₦airaland Forum

CC, i get all you are saying but I am quite surprised at the way you wrap it up. So we live in a damaged world, so everything is fine, rapist, cheaters, thieves?

I believe you have a daughter, I have one too, and I pray that none of them will ever cross the path of an irresponsible man like the one described in this post. I just can't remain calm and blame the lady when I read what he's done.

For those abroad or in nigeria, what are you cooking for christmas eve/day? Any favourite dish on that day? Do you invite people and have a formal meal at home or do you just cook a lot for whoever shows up?

If you have recipes pls, put them here too, I'm short of ideas for this christmas 

kokoye:
Sorry but you are wrong.

You sound like you subscribe to cheating . . .

A real man will do everthing to avoid cheating on his wife.

Even if he has to go bring her back from 'abroad'

yes, that's what I believe in too, but people seem to say that a man cannot stay without sex and that it is very normal for him to cheat since the wife is abroad. I do not subscribe to this belief, but even if it was true, at the very least he should have gone around things differentely i.e. not with a teenager.

What strucks me is that this man, being married and a father of three, should know how to not get a lady pregnant. Plus, to me it doesn't look like the house help was really enjoying it. If he was a real man at least he would have gone for a real woman out there, not for the teenage house help.

Yeah, it's not advisable for a married couple to stay appart for a long time. But how many wives in nigeria raise their families with what their living-abroad-husband send to them? Are they also expected to cheat with a teenager? Would we blame the husband then?

Things might be a little different considering the fact that husband and wife didn't seem to agree on the staying abroad thing in the first place. But for goodness sake, is it a reason to go and have sex with a teenage girl (who might not have been consenting)? This girl is someone's daughter! And you are here blaming the wife? So the man is like a puppy who can't control himself if his master is not there? If he was a widow, would he go and have sex with the house help too? If there is a problem in his marriage, let him solve it or divorce the wife.

I personnally wasn't there when they got married, or when the wife decided to stay abroad, and if there is one thing I know is that we can never tell how a marriage is going from the outside. I have no idea why the lady stayed abroad or why they couldn't agree on this issue. What I know is that not only it is wrong for a man to cheat, but it is even more wrong to do it with a vulnerable teenage girl. And there is no wife to blame for the abject mistake he's done.

Though I am in a "mixed marriage" I wouldn't know how to advise you. We've been together for years, we've shared a lot, have kid together, and I sometimes still look at him and realize how different our cultures are. We just never stop learning new things!

The thing is, you should be open-minded about his culture, talk with him about it, hang out here on nairaland, try and travel to nigeria if you can, talk with his friends etc. but at the same time, you shoudn't let it blind you. There are some things that are related to the culture and others that are to his personnality, so you shouldn't think only about learning the culture and forgetting to get to know the man behind it.

At the beginning of our relationship we both had to take our cultures with a pinch of salt. We talked a lot about every single issue, and we accepted to make some compromises. Be careful though, don't accept something that you won't be able to handle in the long run. Same goes to him.

I don't know how it worked, and still works, for us, I guess we just accepted to create a new culture of our own and we also had a lot in common despite the different backgrounds.

good luck to you!

The man cheats and it's the woman's fault, right,

I felt really shocked reading your story. I am really sorry for what you have to go through and I pray that God gives you strength in those difficult times.

I have to say, I don't really understand a few things. Why do you still Be Intimate with your husband when bleeding and if you don't feel like it? Pls, respect yourself, your body, your health, you don't have to comply. What happens if you don't?

As for the fertility issue, have you both met a fertility doctor? And what did he say? I have a feeling that the resentment you hold against your husband might be part of the reason why you can't get pregnant. Sometimes infertility is due to psychological reasons more than physical ones,  and considering what happened with your first pregnancy, it would be totally understandable.

How did you guys handled what happened the first time? Did you have a chance to talk about it and express your feelings (both your husband and you)? Do you know how he feels about it?

If the communication line is still opened between the both of you, I'd say try to see a counselor. Fertility problems are very difficult to handle for every couple, and if you both can benefit from a little help, don't hesitate.

Gluckdude:
For the ladies who are advocating for "OUR MONEY",(chaircover and co.) if i'm right, that symbolises JOINT ACOUNT. tufiaqa.
so the money i worked so hard for has suddenly turn to our money, in the first instance, what for? why the our money issue.its her own money that should rather be called our money since i own her and all that she has, not the other way round, just because.

I'm so shocked reading this, seriously. So you [b]own [/b]her? This is exatly why I would never accept to be a stay at home wife,

Honestly, why do you even have a wife since all the hard work you do is just for you, you and yourself?

blank:
Spending time or living with the person u want to marry (test run?) does not guarantee anything. You still hear of couples that lived with each getting divorced after 1 yr of marriage. I don't know why but when that word "marriage" comes into play, the dynamics of each relationship changes.

No matter how long u live with someone before u marry, u can never know the person totally. He who will pretend will continue pretending.

I kind of agree with that. Let's not forget that the first few yrs of living together, as a new couple "in love" are so great. Nothing compares to being married for over a decade, having kids at home and so on.

Also, I don't know why but some people's expectations change after marriage, cohabitation can't prevent that.

It is not easy to make a decision when it comes to such aspects of a relationship, but you have to keep in mind that despite what we might think at first, this can become a major issue in a marriage. As CC said, communication, the ability to communicate spontaneously, without having to put in extra efforts to get him to talk, express his feelings/opinions is a major key to a successful marriage.

I was in your shoes when I met my husband and I decided to overlook that aspect of his character, considering it was not that important and that we'd find ways to improve our communication, since we loved each other. I can't say it was a major mistake, since he has many other qualities, but if love made us go the extra mile at the beginning, as years go by, it becomes more and more difficult to always have to change your spontaneous way of communicating just to get your point across to your partner. I'm telling you, sincerely, even though we have some good times when we talk easily, on a daily basis I don't communicate with him much (if not at all) because I am tired of having to go through the trouble of catching his attention/making him talk.

Well, I guess we all have things we have to put up with in a relationship, and as CC said, no one is perfect, so you have to choose carefully which sacrifice you are ready to make for the rest of your life.

It depends how it's done. I occasionally had to breastfeed in public, but nobody ever saw my breast, I used to carry a large scarf to cover the baby's head.

I'm not nigerian either, but I have witnessed a lot of those dishonnest behaviors and I keep on wondering why do people, within nigeria, keep doing business with such people? I've seen friends being used while doing business and still go ahead and start another business with that same person who was disrespectful/reap them off. I actually met people who went for a holiday with their family with the business investment's money, and when they finally came back, everybody was like "what's the big deal, God told us to forgive, let's do business again" . If one of my friend/reliable business partner was to do business with such people, I would warn him of their past behavior, and I wouldn't want anything to do with them again. But in nigeria, someone calls u up and talks to u about a new business he's doing with a person who scammed you -and a few other people- and you just tell him "god will bless your business in jesus name".

I'm a quite naive person and tend to trust people at first, but once they mess up, there is no way i will ever do any business with them again. I might forgive, since God asks us to , but I'll keep my distances.

Many good advices here, will try with the blender until I can get a mortar and pestle. I always cook "big" amounts of food, it seems the more I cook, the more they eat, sometimes I make soup to last for few days, next thing I know, it's already gone!

As for the soaking, I also thought it would be easier if the beans are soaked for a longer time. It seems it is still necessary to soak them for few hours to use the blender to peel them (on the video the lady says they soaked for several hours).

armyofone, this is the secret I was looking for

I will try to get mortar and pestle, it might take me some time though, and see how it works. Will let you know when I do (can't wait to eat akara and moin moin every week )

my own was also on formula day time and she ate at night until about 10 months. She was eating more than twice a night! I guess she liked breastmilk more than formula so she adapted her schedule to eat when mama was available Anyay, your husband should be patient, twice a night at 5 months is very reasonable.

@armyofone, I can get mortar and pestle here, but if your beans are crashed into small pieces, don't you lose some bits going with the peels as you rinse them?

It happened to me too, same thing as your UK friend. Needless to say I felt terrible and resented it for a long time. After that I have changed my career path to a less competitive area, The thing is, even in places where the law is in favor of pregnant women, there is a need to prove what the company did, and no decent HR will write down that the job can no longer be given to u due to the pregnancy. Even if the lady lies about her condition (that can work out the first few months), when the boss finds out it is very likely that she will go through hard times in the workplace.

It ain't easy for ladies, But that's something we should all keep in mind when/if we ever have to hire someone, so as not to reproduce the same treatment,

That is more or less what I'm doing, maybe I should soak them for a longer time though. As for the peeling, do you also just kind of "scrub" them together and rinse them until they are peeled?

I've heard we can buy some already peeled beans but can't find any where i'm staying, have you tried that before?

I love moin moin, akara and co, but peeling the beans is such a headache! So, I was thinking, maybe there's something I'm doing wrong? How do you peel beans? How long does it take you? Any "secret" to make it easy and fast?

Many thanks !

That is a wise decision. You're learning the hard way but you will later appreciate the value of your decision. It is never easy to let go of a man that we love but cannot marry, but in the long run, it's the safest bet. May your heart be at peace with that choice, and pls, be happy, there are many marriageable men out there

So I take it you decided to let him go?

Talking about white chicks, don't think that because you knew from the beginning makes your situation different. I know a few couples where the man laid the truth to the european woman, sometimes the man was even feeling truly remorseful about getting another wife. I know of a guy who, because of long distance marriage, stopped having feelings for his wife, and married another lady in europe. But he still remained married to his african wife and keeps on taking care of her financially. There are kids involved on both sides, and though I can understand his feelings and reactions, the result is still a lot of pain and misunderstandings. Sometimes we believe our love can help us overcome anything, but marriage/children are for life, how about in 5,10,20,30 yrs? Things change, I believe when it comes to family it's better to choose a simple situation, marriage is difficult enough in itself!

Good luck with your decision, pls, be strong and keep the faith.

Look, I don't mean to be harsh, but I think altogether you had decent answers to your question. I know how it feels to really love someone and to think that your life will never be the same if you are not together. But heartache passes, it takes a few months, a year at most. And life goes on. But choosing to marry a guy who's from a different country and already married there, That will change your life forever, and one can only see the kind of troubles, pain and sadness you might go through on that path.

I've also seen couples like those you are mentioning : african man in the west marries a white lady while the wife is still back home. I've never seen any having a happy ending. Plus, it always strucks me how those white chicks do not worry much about the wife when they'd be totally uncapable of doing such to another white woman, or wouldn't take that b***sh*t from a white man. think about it. you came here to ask if the lady would feel hurt, well, the answer is she most certainly would. But she doesn't have much choice, does she?

[quote author=Laura_fr link=topic=747319.msg9036086#msg9036086 date=1314641423]i repeat once again,his papers are totally ok, and i am sure of his good mind,because its been a long time that we are dating,and he is helping me at every posible way[b],i know he loves me too,that is the reason he want as to get married[/b],also i am a beautiful girl,and i have been with a french guy before,but its not the same,he is living here for many years and has his buissnes here,he goes to his country only once ,some times 2 times a year!so i know if we have family he will be by my site most of times!!!!the only pain i have is the other woman!!!i just dont want to cause pain to ani one!i was always judging ppl who goes with another womans husband,but as u can see,now im one of themmm [/quote]Look, he can't marry you in france without divorcing his wife first. That's just not legal. The embassy in nigeria will send lawyers interviewing his family and having his background check before they deliver the documents necessary to the wedding.

Second, he can have his papers all he wants, have you seen them? What kind of stay does he have? You'd be surprised at the number of people staying long term in a country without appropriate papers (or even papers at all). If you've seen his resident card, did he apply for French nationality? Maybe he did and you're not aware of this. Nationality will be issued far more easily if you guys are married. Then he can bring his kids here. And maybe his wife too.

Another thing, who mentioned second wife? Why would there be any second wife wahala? So after 2 yrs of dating the guy wants you but still can't make up his mind to divorce his wife in order to marry you? Do you like that idea, to be the second choice? Would you take that from a french guy? I don't think so, Girl, I think you are really lost and making excuses for yourself. You talk about love, love, love. Sometimes it's better to use your head. All the signs are here telling you "don't do it! You're gonna get hurt!" If you still want to go for it, then fine, but don't pretend you don't want anybody to get hurt.

On a practical note, "starting a family with him" means having children from him. You do know that you will never be legally married to him in France as long as his marriage in nigeria is going? What is he doing in France? He might want to go back to Nigeria sometime, maybe move back there after a few years. What are you going to do then? Stay in France with your kids, that you'll raise as a single mom? Follow him to Nigeria to play second wife? What will you do there? You seem so ignorant of his culture and background, I seriously doubt you really know what it would be like,

So you're 27 and you somehow feel like having a baby, though you're still a student, and you think this married man you claim to love is the best plan? I just can't believe what people would go through just in the name of "love". You say you "love" him, but what do you really know about him? Have you met his people, been to his place? Do you know he already promised everything to his wife? And you think your "love" is enough to justify anything you want to do?

If I were you, I'd check his papers again, just to make sure that a baby is not just the last thing missing for him to secure papers. What does he do there?

And once again, use your brain, girl. You can date a guy and break up. But you can't have a child and then change your mind,

Mirena is a hormonal contraceptive, so the side effects might be the same as a pill with similar hormone dosage. The difference is that you don't need to think about it everyday.

I've read somewhere that IUCD actually has a kind of spermicidal effect, that it doesn't just avoid the implant of a fertilized egg but prevent the spermatozoid to come up to fertilize the egg. I think I read it in a medical magazine somewhere,

I'm more patient and tolerant
I've learned to cook nigerian dishes
I've discovered that I can actually work (much) more and rest (much) less, which is what I do to keep up with the family responsibilities
My needs come no longer first
Emotionnally I feel comfortable, secured, safe, peaceful, more than ever in my life

The down side is that I'm less spontaneous (going out with hubby after a full day at work + housechores + kids wake up early, I'd rather stay in and sleep )
I sometimes nag, (hate it, but i have to admit )

@poster : how did it happen the first time? Was it right after the wedding, or did it take some time to grow to that extent? Could it be possible that the fertility challenge you guys are facing is the reason for all this wahala? I was also wondering, is she following any treatment to improve her fertility? I've known some women who couldn't handle their emotions when undergoing such treatments, because of the high dose of hormones injected. Of course, that wouldn't be an excuse to such violence, but maybe a tiny begining of an answer. For now, I think moving out for a while can help her realize she went too far, and hopefully help you guys to understand what went wrong and put your marriage back on track. Though I don't want to be pessimistic, but sometimes people don't change. How is her family background? Did she witness such behaviors between her parents?

Babies have a strong need of sucking, it is one of the first contact they experiment and it is necessary for them to feel secured and comfortable. There is nothing to worry about for such a small baby, when she grows you can explain to her little by little how to lose that habit; Most kids stop it naturally as they grow, though (before nursery).

@poster, I was touched by your post. My husband has some similar traits with yours. Cheating apart (though I tend to agree with your analysis), I also agrea with all chaircover said. There is one thing I'd like to ask you, though, apart from talking, does your husband show other signs of communication? For example, my husband, even though the issue is not solved, will try to show in his own way that he cares maybe by doing little other things for me or being nice, having fun with me. If I give him time and space enough (it can be up to weeks!) he ends up bringing up the issue by himself. However, there is one important thing I remember chaircover said in other posts about marriage : sometimes we just have to agree to disagree. Not every argument can be solved easily, some things we'd just have to live with.

I am also the kind of person who likes to talk things through right away and verbally agree on something, but not everybody is like that. Most of the time, my husband doesn't say things like "ok, I messed up on that one, I'm sorry, how about next time we handle it so so way?". He'd just listen to me, shut down, or talk without showing any sign of agreement, but later I can see changes in his behavior. Maybe not what I expected, but enough to show he is working on making things work.

Another thing, your last post says that your husband is facing financial difficulties. I've noticed that in those moments he takes any remarks from me as a money-related complain. It can be annoying, but in thoses times he just needs to be showered with love and proofs that I don't treat him less of a man just because he is not doing fine financially.

These are just little thoughts I had, i don't know you or your husband but hopefully this might give you some strength to keep working on your marriage. Pls, remember that, apart from all the differences, you still chose him to be your life partner for a reason. Hold on to that.

I believe an adopted child should know from the beginning. I naturally talk about their birth to my kids, if I adopted a child I would also naturally talk about the way they joined the family. If adoptive parents are not comfortable with that truth themselves, I wonder why they go on and adopt a child.

I'm surprised that they got married late (31 for her and 38 for him) and don't seem like they discussed the "children" topic earlier. I married young but if i had to wait til my thirties to get married "baby" would definitely have been the first topic on my list with any possible "future husband".

I just don't get it. How did they got so far (4 yrs of marriage) at this age and still don't agree on such a crucial topic? I know of people who don't want children at all but they make it very clear with their partners at the beginning of every relationship. Or is it that the man already told her that he is not interested in having children, and the lady overlooked it, thinking that he would change his mind after getting married? big mistake if that's the case,

JeSoul:
Oh okay tks. Just wondering if you'd tried adding anything else to the mixture. I was thinking to add carrots or some other kind of sweet veggie or even small chopped up nuts. Haven't tried it yet though . . .

I've read somewhere someone added bananas or plantain. Never tried it yet, but I will certainly do one of these days. Let me know if you find a good recipe !