₦airaland Forum

So, how did your dad raise you and your brothers? Did he make you wash his car or assist your mom with the kitchen chores?

As I said, I grew up in a girls-only family. My parents divorced when I was a teen, and my mom raised up with an extreme belief that "we don't need a man to live". I gues she was so scared to see us beeing dependant on a man and not being able to make our own choices. Both my parents pushed us to study to a high level, my dad didn't have a son but he believes that "a girl can do as much as a man", professionnally speaking. I have to admit that my parents didn't raise me or my sister towards marriage. I can't even remember talking about marriage or men/women relationships with them. They wanted us to be strong, independant and self sufficient women.

Though I agree with some of my parents ideas, I am not as extreme as they are.

You are driving me to drink. Stoppit! Grin

How do you expect to understand my "verbose" and "fragmented presentation" if you keep on drinking

eheh, maybe I don't express myself very well in english (not my native language)

when I said that I would probably make difference between boys and girls, I meant without being totally conscious about it. I don't have brothers and all of my close friends are girls, I am a very "girly" girl if I may say. Actually, when I think about it, the only man I really know is my husband. So I cannot know how I would behave if I had a son, in theory, I want to give him the same education as my daughter, but I might do differently without even noticing it. does that make sense?

I am very happy that you disagree and that you feel free to express your opinion. this is not a right/wrong topic, and I am not trying to convince anybody, as I don't feel that my opinion is better than yours or anybody's. I know why I think that way, that doesn't mean that your own opinion doesn't make sense. Actually, what you said here

Society expects a man to be a man and a women to be a woman. Less divorces and less single parents around the world.

got me thinking. I do believe too that a long term relationship such as marriage is easier if the two members of the couple have a clear idea about what is their responsibility/role in the relationship and the family. Does that mean that it can't work if there is no such thing as a defined "man's role" and "woman's role"?divorce statistics in the western world might say so, most of my wester female friends believe otherwise

as for the study I was talking about it was just to prove my point that women would behave differently depending on the way they were raised, and so that it is not a question of "natural" differences, but also of education.

Your point of view is very interesting anyway, please I hope I am not offending you in any way by asking you so many questions, this is really a peaceful talk for me

If the girls tend to have lower professional positions than males it is because the societies they live in have placed such limitations. If parents choose to raise their children differently, then they may have different value systems.

Btw, the study I talked about was in one society alone (in a western country, though I don't remember which one, probably in Europe). It showed the difference between girls raised with brothers and girls raised with only sisters. And that those raised with brothers were holding lower professionnal positions than the ones with only sisters, as if in a family with boys and girls the differences were more emphasized than in a family with girls only. And biology has nothing to do here, since we are comparing girls to other girls

Oh, I am not denying the biological differences. I just feel that sometimes we qualify things as "biological difference" when it is just a social difference, taught through education and the society, and not from the genes.

I also agree with you that not just one size fits all. And it's also true that the kids are to be raised to cope with the life and society they will meet outside, as adults. But if we mean to change things, we also have to raise children differentely. I am not sure whether I want to "change things" myself, I live in the western world, and even if gender equality is not perfect, women have a lot of freedom and have pretty much as many choices as men about how to live their lives. I also can't tell or judge people's way of raising their children, since I believe most parents do their best according to their culture, experience and beliefs.

This topic was here only to discuss, not to consider my opinion better than others'. I've always believed that boys and girls should be raised the same way, that's how I've been raised myself, so I was merely trying to understand other people's opinions, and since you're the only one who has a different opinion

One thing I don't get is how you would raise a boy and a girl differently, what exactly would be different?

Blazay:
1. Girls are different from boys because they are more emotionally vulnerable.
2. Boys are different from girls because they are more physical and predatory.

My question was not innocent. Don't you think that maybe those differences are due to the way boys and girls were raised and not due to their gender? You can teach a girl to be emotionnally strong, and a boy to express his feelings, the question is would you do it?

Many studies show that the main differences between genders are due to different educations, for example, in a family with boys and girls, the girls will tend to have lower professionnal positions than their brothers and their female conterparts who were born in girls-only families. That shows how, subconsciously, parents put more pressure on the boys to be professionnally successful and accept easily that the girls could be less career oriented.

Blazay:
No.
By virtue of the fact that they are different genders, I have to raise them differently.
A man cannot be raised as a woman and vice versa.

Ah, finally someone disagreeing. I was starting to wonder what happened to the Nairalanders

I understand that if two children are different, you somehow have to raise them differently. For example, my daughter is a very quiet and well-behaved child, I just had to tell her once to do things and she does them now. She even learned to hang her coat in the entrance and off her shoes by looking at us, without us telling her to. If she cries or try to make a tantrum, talking to her is enough to calm her down.

Now, I know that not all kids behave like that, and it might not be so easy when I'll have a second child (be it a boy or a girl), because their personnalities will be different, I will have to adapt the way I raise them in order to get the same result. BUT I will be expecting the same result for boths (boy or girl).


Blazay, could you eplain to us how you think the genders are different and therefore should be raised differentely. What would you do, that would show this differene?

iaabc:
The only thing I am against is "sending them to school and university to get a decent and hopefully well paying job". So not happening. I am and will continue to train them to be wealth creators in their own regard.

That's why I wrote "hopefully", this is what I believe is important, but they will make their own decisions too. I can't force them to go to university if they don't want to, and I won't. But there is no way I'm gonna make my children rely on someone else to take care of them, whether society, parents, husband or whoever else. They will have to find a way to be independent and self sufficient. As long as it's legal and they're happy with it, I'll respect their choices.

I know families where the boys are pushed to make money, get an appartment and so on, while the girls are pampered at home, waiting for their fiance to be ready to become a husband and take care of them. I believe that even if a woman wants to be a homemaker, she has to know a job/business too, so that in times of needs she can bring her own help to the family.

I was just thinking, since I see many of us saying on marriage-related topics that "men who's wives can't cook should help with the cooking" or that "women can help their husbands to financially support the home during tough times". So, would you raise your children with that kind of mindset? What difference do you think should apply when raising a boy or a girl?

As for me, I'd like to teach all of my children -wether boy or girl - the same skills: cooking and taking care of the house, managing a budget, and of course sending them to school and university to get a decent and hopefully well paying job. That being said, I know that I will still raise the boys and girls differently, because as a woman I would not relate the same way to my sons and daughter, and they will also take exemple on what they see at home (my husband and I both work but he is the main provider while my own job gives me time to take care of the cooking/cleaning).

So what's your opinion?

OMG

I also thought someone used my account and changed my name here on NL when I saw this thread

It's really funny how we wrote almost the same thing, a few months apart.

Our situation is a little different, though, it seems you are not yet married, are your fiance and yourself already living together? Otherwise you will have to handle a new marraige together with a new country, that might be hard work, settling in a new country has its challenges.

My husband and I already lived abroad together (in a country, even a part of the world that is neither his or mine originally), and we are currently in my home country in europe, next step, I hope, would be nigeria. I think travelling and settling in different countries gives us experience as how to adapt to a new environment (even going back home was a challenge to me, after so many years). As to nigeria specifically, I hope you will be giving me advices once you are there I am sure you can find support and advices through your embassy or some associations of people/women from UK in nigeria.

good luck with that!

p.s.: in which city do you plan to move? what kind of job do you intend on doing?

You've spent so much money on her and proposed to her without even meeting with her parents?

Are you sure that she is not engaged to someone else? Why do you keep on spending on her? Don't you want her to focus on prayer only?

I think you should sit her down and ask her seriously about her plans and feelings towards you. Until she gives you an answer, keep your money for yourself (or save it for the wedding, we never know, ).

Don't get too carried away, you barely know the girl and don't know her family either. How long have you guys been dating?

seyibrown:
@Miss_Ife

How's it going? Hope you've enjoyed your move so far!

Hey guys 

Didn't see this post was up here again,  Well, since last time we moved to a new country but not nigeria yet. We actually came back to europe so I could get another degree before (hopefully) moving to nigeria. Before then we should still have time to go on holiday, and time for me to study the place and infrastructures more. I already met a few people from my country who are living/lived in nigeria, even though they stayed there a shorter time than what I plan to, it was still very interesting to hear their point of view.

as leahsarak asked, language is actually an important part of my decision to move to nigeria, i think there is no better place to learn than in the "real" environment. As for food and daily life, my husband cannot do without his nigerian food, so i always cook nigerian food at home (learned a lot on that forum btw ).

Another concern, though, is finances: how much would be the cost of living in nigeria for a family with 2/3 kids, and a "western style" house (not mansion o )? I am a bit worried of the rent, bills, car prices,

topup:
My pleasure, and if you're not able to make a detour to Nigeria, why not try those language CDs they always sell on sites like Amazon .

Oh, I didn't know they had some about Yoruba, I should check it out then, thanks!

@topup: Thanks so much for these explanations, it makes it clearer, I was indeed confused with the abreviations, when people were telling me a sentence to learn, then they wouldn't pronounce it the exact same way in the daily life, Now, I still have a lot to learn but that's a step foward

@Ohsisi : Your post is quite judgmental and prejudiced towards western women. I went to Nigeria, didn't have generator nor A/C, washed myself with a bucket in common bathrooms (yes the one all people from the same floor use), used okada to go around, ate local food bought on the street, and hand washed our clothes in a bucket. Many of other "western wives" I know did the same and in most cases, they were more than happy to live a simple life, but nigerian husbands are the ones who feel pressure and want to impress with their "oyinbo wives". My husband almost had a heart attack when I told him I wanted to take bus and okada, but it was fine with me. There's no A/C in my country, as a student I cooked for years on a kerosene stove and so on, so please, not all western ladies grew up in a mansion with 24/7 comfort

Maybe because it is very important to you, you can't imagine that some people don't really care about going "to the village". I think my husband didn't go to his village for over 15 yrs. As for me, I've been living abroad well over 5yrs, went back a few times but never brought my husband home, neither visited my whole extended family. Last time I didn't even met any family member coz I was in another part of the country and didn't have time/energy to travel more. My family doesn't mind, and my husband doesn't either. I will bring him home this year, and introduce him to everybody (he already met my parents and siblings when they came and visited us), but it was not so important for us before that.

As for me, I really hope to see his village someday, so I could get a picture of what some of his childhood memories are like, but I'm in no hurry. I guess he'll first go alone, and we'll go together anytime we have a good opportunity.

As for safety in Nigeria, I am not an expert, but I also know that some people (westerners) travel around nigeria no matter what. It all depends on the risks you are ready to take.

Am I wrong or this post means that [i]you [/i]want your hubby to take you to his village ?

As for your friend there could be many reasons why she didn't meet many family members on that occasion. Maybe the husband didn't want to let everybody know he was back (you know how it is when someone is back from "abroad", maybe he had other things to do, maye he just wanted some private time with his wife, Did she said she wanted to go to his village?

I aksed my husband the same question. I only went to Lagos, and though I met most of his family (based there + people who came from the village to visit), I also wanted to go to his village. He told me he was not so eager to do so for a few reasons: security, comfort (I  say I don't care about it, but as he noted it is already difficult for me to not eat extremely fresh food in Lagos, i wouldn't be able to eat anything in the village  ), local customs (we would have to eat and/or sleep in each house, which would make the stay long and he's afraid I wouldn't be able to cope with the level of comfort, the food, the language, culture etc.).

I'm a bit disapointed about it but I understand his reasons, though I'm not sure if it has to do with the idea that western girls have to be pampered or real concerns on his side So I accepted his decision, but not forever,  I still hope I'll go there someday 

kokoye:
You are right ojare. This has nothing to do with culture or control.

It is purely love, respect and common sense.

. . .and it goes both ways.

Exactly, plus it's not like western men are fighting to cook and serve their wives' a good meal when they get back from work I've never seen this happening in western couples around me (and I should know some as I'm a westerner, ). My grandma has always cooked and taken care of the house and kids. My grandpa was bringing the biggest salary home but she was also working full time. And at the begining of their marriage, there were no such things as daycare or washing machine.

My mom was also doing most of this, as my dad was often away, and when he was there she was complaining about the burden, they ended up divorcing and my mom still had to do everything by herself but with only 1 salaray and children to take care of.

That's in the western world.

I believe in genders equality, I believe there shouldn't be fights about who does what in the house, and people who love each other should always help each other, But if I can bring peace and happiness to my marriage (and family) by doing "more", ie cooking and serving his meal, I don't see why I shouldn't do it as I would need to cook for myself and my kid anyway, even if my husband wasn't there.

I'm also saying that as my hubby never complains about this, if there is no food at home, he will eat outside and not make any remark to me. When I gave birth to our baby, he cooked for many months and was the one handing me my meals. Now, that's true love.

OBOBO1:
for the break fast , tea and bread

lunch, eba and egusi soup or egusi with semo or wheat

dinner , rice and vegetable or rice and stew

try it for now

Ok, I can try that, but is it not "always the same"? I sometimes wonder if my husband always eats the same stuff because we are abroad and can't find proper ingredients/don't know how to cook other dishes or if that's just a normal thing to him, won't it be boring to have rice every evening?

Hello Nairalanders!

First, I have to thank you, because it's with you guys that I learned some of the few nigerian dishes I can cook now

I need your help to make a decent food roster for my hubby, who only likes nigerian food. I usually try to cook nigerian food a couple of times a week, and cook western food the rest of the time (that he doesn't eat) but, though he doesn't complain, I know it's not good enough for him.

The thing is that, even though I love nigerian food, it takes a lot of time to cook, and I'm not eager to eat it every day and every meal. So I need a food roster that would allow me to just fix little things up, or use left overs or any other idea you have, so I could cook both nigerian and western food, and my husband would always have a decent meal at home.

I can spend longer time cooking on week ends, and one (sometimes two) evenings a week. The rest of the time, I can't spend much more than 30 min in the kitchen (it takes me less than 20 min to cook a simple western meal,  but I'm used to it and much slower at cooking nigerian dishes).

Do you have any ideas ?

For now, I can only make: regular stew (with semoule or eba if we have some at home), egusi soup, jollof rice, fried rice, beans (I only know how to cook them one way, maybe there are other ways?), I'm learning to cook moi moi (not great yet, but i'm getting better!),  and well, that's it. I can fry eggs, prepare yam (boiled or fried), or fry plaintain,

Any roster I could use for a week/month? Or other dishes that I could learn to make my husband happy ?

Another thing is breakfast, I never know what to prepare for him for breakfast?

Many thanks !

whiteroses:
don't they take royal jelly or periactin nowadays for milk production? my aunt even complain its in excess and her milk drips out through the clothes lol i understand what you mean but seriously we need some decency in the community . actually anyone should do whatever they want bare your oyan if you can but personally no just no

It is actually the baby sucking that stimulates the milk production. royal jelly and stuff like that just help the mom to have a richer diet and keep a good health during the breastfeeding period. Though I strongly believe breastfeeding is the best thing for baby, I also think it should be done a decent way. Using a soft and thin clothe to cover the breast and baby's head is enough and easy (just put it on the shoulder and baby's body), but if that is done and people are still uncomfortable with a woman breastfeeding a baby, they should be the one leaving their table

I met triplets this year, it was my first time, they are 10 yrs old girls, all nice, healthy, fun and well brought up.

Of course, when I see them now, I think it's very interesting, but when I think about what the parents must have gone through to get such a great result, I honestly don't know if I could do such.

If I was to be pregnant with twins/triplets, I would thank God and do my best, but I know I'd be scared too and I'm not asking for it.

whiteroses:
i've always slammed those sort of women, this is 2010 they now have baby formula and if you like natural why cant you pump before yu go out, they bare their oblong oyan while the whole world stares with discomfort. women need to really step their game up, some women have kids and let go, going braless and wearing wrapper round the house nigeria is longer than africa who is looking at me

Do you have children ? Did you ever try pumping breastmilk?

Some ladies, though able to breastfeed, can't get anything out when trying to pump. Breastmilk cannot be kept outside more than a few hours (I think 3hrs is the max). Planning to pump breast is therefore very difficult, and sometimes can even make breastfeeding more difficult as nothing is better than a baby to stimulate the milk from coming out.

This kind of talk you are giving shows how much nowadays ladies don't know about their bodies. They'd rather give money to big firms who make processed cow's milk adding soya and corn (yes, yes, in baby formula! ). I mean, there's nothing wrong with formula, but come on, going to the extend of slamming ladies who breastfeed, that is just plain ignorance.

I breastfed my baby til she was over 1 yr old, and I was dressed normally, never showed my boobs to anybody (went to another room or used a clothe to cover me and the baby's head).

There are a few things I noticed in mixed couples around me (where most of the times, the dad is nigerian and mom from another country) :

- The dad talks to the children in english (even when it's just the language used by the couple to communicate and not the mom's native language) ;
- The dad starts talking to the kids in native language only when they start speaking already (english or other language), which is too late as the baby develops ability to speak a language before saying his first words ;
- Other nigerians with same native language address the kid in english (because he's a mixed kid??), hence the baby won't know that the native language can actually be used to really communicate with other people and will just pick a few words of it


I noticed that before having my first baby and therefore have been very clear with my husband about that : he wouldn' be able to blame me if his kids were to not speak his native language as I cannot teach them myself. He's always been speaking to his baby in his native language and we've asked our nigerian friends and family to do the same (some speak english to their kids but native language to ours ). My baby started saying her first words, and they are equally in english/her dad's language/my language. She understands it all, even when other people talk to her, and of course I'm very proud about it

What does he say and how does he behave when you talk to him about it? Did you confront him?

How was he doing with his previous job?

First things first, make sure your home is clear and clean of any drug or other people involved in such business,

I kept my baby with me til she was 12 months old, but starting from about 3 months she always took her naps in her crib + when I put her to bed at night I put her in her crib and would only take her with us when she'd first wake up for food. She was breastfed about 5 times/night til she turned 10 months and as I was working it was not possible for me to spend such sleepless nights.

She now sleeps in her own bed and comes to us when she wakes up before us, either to play in our bed (and wake us up ) or sleep a little more with mommy and daddy.

I liked having her with me at night, so I could monitor her (she often puked/had fever at night), breastfeed her without being tired, and get used to the idea of separation little by little

Of course, if you decide to do so, you have to be careful to a few things: no alcohol/cigarettes/drugs (so your sleep won't be too deep to notice the child), hard mattress and no pillow/blanket (I slept with warmer clothes). I didn't put the baby between my husband and I as he has a very sound sleep, but between the wall and me (so she couldn't fall).

As for intimacy, there are so many other places than the bedroom

Last time in the bus, a lady started shouting at a woman who was (very discretely) breastfeeding her baby,

What's wrong with women nowadays? Isn't breastfeeding a normal thing? They'd rather have all the moms givin out bottles made of processed cow's milk than the mom's milk which is known to be the best for the baby?

As for the diaper, it's not very hygienic, she could have done that on a chair, if the bathroom was not big enough to change a baby's diaper,

@ Poster; your story could read like mine, the fear and the uncertainty, but at the end of the day you must do what's right for your son and YOUR FAMILY (the three of you), are your quarrels with your husband about the love you have for one another or about everyday issues that can be worked if only one of you could just 'give in'.

I'm married to a nigerian man who practices Islam (u can just imagine how tough I have it), although he's not that staunch muslim, he's a through and through nigerian who expects to be the head (protector, provider, leader, buck stops with me) of the home and house. Until you stop fighting this, you are always going to have quarrels. I has taken me 7 months of separation to figure this out, when he asks for you to respect him, your husband is not asking you to be submissive, but he's asking you to trust his judgement.

The problem that we 'westernized' women have; is that, we like to know the when, how, why and if it doesn't make sense to us, we wont go along with it, all your man wants you to do is agree and let him take responsibility for whatever outcome of his decisions (even though, they involve your family),

How different is your husband from when you people didn't have a BOY CHILD, to what he is now. Before the kids, my husband was okay to let certain things slide, but after I become WIFE AND MOTHER OF HIS CHILDREN, the goal posts shifted, because believe it or not, the kids take the lead from you (the mother) about how the father should be treated, especially if they spend most of the time with you, so if you talk back, they'll talk back, if you are snotty, they'll be snotty. Parents should always be a united front in front of their kids.

Just for your information, couples counselling is not going to work, if you both think the other is wrong in their thinking

That is exactly what I wanted to say!

I'm also european, married to a nigerian man, with a baby,  And we struggled A LOT on that issue during our 1st year of marriage. He wanted my respect (which I considered submission), I wanted his care (which I called respect). Until someday, I finally just accepted to give a try to his own way,  and it worked ! We have never been so happy together, and I've actually discovered so many qualities from my husband that I didn't know about. He is caring, loving and much more mature than me when it comes to leading the home and family. He always listens to me and take my opinion into consideration, sometimes he even lets me decide, because he knows that I would follow him if he was making the decision himself.

I find our relationship very different from one with a european man, who would expect the woman to step up and take responsibilities in providing/leading the home,  and who sometimes end up treating us like their moms  At least, my husband is a real man, who can ask for help but doesn't need me to make decision or keep the home running if I am away.

Before you consider divorce, and for the sake of your child, please, try the same thing I did: just give in,  Accept his way of doing and trust him. Imagine that you are blindfolded and that he's leading you,  If you can't trust your life partner for that, then who would you trust?!

Give yourselves a few months and do your best to behave the way he wants you too,  He might get softer as he sees you accepting his ways, and you might find that you like his way of leading the marriage.

Please, give it a real try,  I know so many marriages that broke up because of lack of tolerance rather than lack of love, it's such a waste,

Did she see a doctor and make sure everything was alright with her body? Is she still breastfeeding her baby?

I know some friends who still feel pain in their privates even many months after giving birth, maybe the wife is too ashamed to talk about it? Or maybe the pregnancy/breastfeeding induced hormonal changes in her body and "turned off" her desire for s.ex. I know a lady who took over 18 months before she could have intimacy with her husband again.

Or maybe she doesn't feel pretty after having a baby? (weight, )

I think the husband should try his best to talk to his wife, be patient with her, romance her, make her feel a woman again, and not just a mother. Did he try to take her out on a week end/date? To do things they used to do when they were just dating/just married?

Sometimes men forget all those things after marriage and then wonder why the wife is not as easy as the girlfriend was,

I think a woman should have the right to choose if she wants child and how many she wants (and she should also have the right to change her mind )

To me, the only duty a woman has is to be honest about it with her partner/husband, as it can be a major dealbreaker.

@Fhemmy: you're a man, right? 

Just kidding, but imagine, having 3 kids, close together. before the last one turns 2 and the mom is done with diapers, sleepless nights, breastfeeding and all,  it's been about 8 years (starting from the 1st pregnancy) that she hasn't really been herself. Cause once we have kids, we know that we are not really ourselves during pregnancy & the 1st yr of a child (at least). It is very challenging physically, emotionally, financially,  And all this could also be difficult to handle for the man and for the couple.

How can a couple have time together, satisfying intimacy and rest during this 8 yrs marathon?

Mind you, I'm not saying it's bad, I know friends who did it (they actually had 4 kids in 6yrs) and are very happy as a couple and as a family,  but I know I couldn't do it. I can't do everything at once, it's too demanding!

I heard if women rush childbearing like 3 kids in 5 years, they look much younger than their age when they grow older. Also women that give too much space (3yrs and above) age quickly. Is it true?

It's strange, I would say it's the opposite, Imagine what the body goes through after one pregnancy and breastfeeding one baby + all the care the baby needs (no sleep, being active all day, ). I can't imagine that having 3 babies in a row would make someone look younger, Maybe they [i]look [/i]younger because they [i]are [/i]younger (you see them with 3 kids so believe they are old and look young when actually they are still young)