₦airaland Forum

Just five years...i think you are being drastic. In every relationship at least one person must stoop to conquer. If both people are well oriented and can say sorry the better..If your divroce happens years down the line you are going to see how silly both of you have been and regret it.

I have been married almost 5 years and in all that period my husband had never appologised for anything, even when it is sooooo obvious that he is at fault. I have learnt to live with it, say sorry when i need to and assume there is an anti-sorry demon in him and my focus is on not letting the demon make me unhappy. That ideology helps me cope with this fault of his.

On the third pary hand, i believe that a problem shared is a problem solved, it just depends on who you are sharing it with. I have things i share within my marriage and things i dont share, when i share i feel better. So for my sanity i share, but i am smart enough to know good and productive advice and advice from an envious heart. I also share with people that are real christians in tot word and deed.That helps as well.

I understand how you feel, but cant really judge issues since the other part of the story is not told. I also know that my family can never back me if i have done something wrong to my husband, every one would be after peace, so i think you sef don match line somewhere.

Dont let your ego and the demon of pride get the better of you. Its well

Benaig: Insurance is a contract agreed upon at the beginning.
If you are not satisfied with the way you are treated, you have the right to:

1. Complain to the regulator to intervene
2. Go to court to seek redress and all costs including legal fees incurred.
3. Surrender and dismiss the companies as no good thus waiving your rights and leaving you in future to:

a. cough out fresh funds to replace your vehicle if stolen or damaged (God help you if that does not affect your finances adversely)

b. face the ordeal of being "car less" until you can recover (God forbid)

If you have a car or other assets, choice is yours to have something you can argue about (valid cover)or nothing at all to argue about.

Benaig: Insurance is a contract agreed upon at the beginning.
If you are not satisfied with the way you are treated, you have the right to:

1. Complain to the regulator to intervene
2. Go to court to seek redress and all costs including legal fees incurred.
3. Surrender and dismiss the companies as no good thus waiving your rights and leaving you in future to:

a. cough out fresh funds to replace your vehicle if stolen or damaged (God help you if that does not affect your finances adversely)

b. face the ordeal of being "car less" until you can recover (God forbid)

If you have a car or other assets, choice is yours to have something you can argue about (valid cover)or nothing at all to argue about.

Benaig: Insurance is a contract agreed upon at the beginning.
If you are not satisfied with the way you are treated, you have the right to:

1. Complain to the regulator to intervene
2. Go to court to seek redress and all costs including legal fees incurred.
3. Surrender and dismiss the companies as no good thus waiving your rights and leaving you in future to:

a. cough out fresh funds to replace your vehicle if stolen or damaged (God help you if that does not affect your finances adversely)

b. face the ordeal of being "car less" until you can recover (God forbid)

If you have a car or other assets, choice is yours to have something you can argue about (valid cover)or nothing at all to argue about.

Seriously who really has the time for that! I believe in insurance, but it depends on what you are insuring i use a 1998 model car so i really see no need to insure it. As for third party, i believe when the accident comes, i would be able to take care of it from the savings i have made in premium contributions. Been driving 7 years, not even a scratch on my old reliable.

I stoop to conquer

Real cool...am christian, but i found this piece very helpful. On my personal journey i have milestone prayers at different times of the day and the tips are good. would try the reward and punishment aspect.

I use a camry 2.2 fat light...its four years old and the most major work i have done is shock absorber change. The car is fantastic.

Infact i have saved for a new car but i am so reluctant to change it becos its like a betrayal, the car has been and still is really good to me.

1. no dosage
2. one shot kills 10 ailments
3. not purified (am sure its a cause of many dead livers and kidney failures)
4. Not enof research done on it(side effects are unknown)
5. Most use alcohol as solvent
6. They dont even have a precise recipee.

All said, i used to take antimalarial every single month(am not exergrating) at one point in my life. Then i was introduced to one of these drugs. i took it intermittently and unblievably i did not take antimalarial for over two years, till one particular brew (from the same source o) almost killed me. I fell back to my monthly fansidar, but now thank God for inscecide treated mosquito nets. A doctor later said that the stuff must contain raw quinnine...well i no no.

Gossip is definitely more difficult to stop....there is a very thin line between gossip and 'gist'.

I am not suprised and i would definetely try on my self.

I use aveno for my baby, recently i had to travel and the container was too large so i poured a little in a glass container.
I guess the container and the hammatarn made the cream dry up and loose its slight perfume. I still tried to use it..i mean Aveno is really costly. Only for me to discover that it smelt just like shea butter, i asked others and they confirmed. See the wisdom, they would use Ori to make cream and sell it back at high costs(well i guess they must have done some geeze on it). Strangely its not written on the pack as one of the ingredents. Its acclaimed as one of the highest quality baby products.

salt 1: There are many things the poster didn't tell us. Has he told the wife how much he earns? Many men hide this info and expect the woman to understand. Your hoarding this info from her can make her suspect that you are paid so highly and you want to collect the peanuts she is earning to add to yours.
Has the poster been involved in adultery to the wife's knowledge? Such suspicions can make a woman so insecure and vulnerable in her marriage that she begins to use her money to plan for eventualities. Esp as they don't seem to be of the same tribe. Reassure your wife that she is the only woman in your life.
The poster can also change his perception of the wife's attitude. If he can see the wife's spending on herself (and their children if they have any) as relieving him of what he would have still been spending on her, then he won't be so bitter. If she uses her money to buy herself clothes, make her hair, make calls and occasionally surprise you with gifts, she is still saving you those expenses which you would have absorbed 100%. Many husbands regard their wife's earning as pocket money and leave them to spend it at their discretion.
More importantly, ask God to enlarge your coast.The big inflows are not found in a wife's purse!
I am married so I know

This is one point..Thank you!

@ poster ..On another note, from your post i gathered that your wife did not say NEVER, she only said it was not mandatory, the issue here is the noise you are making about it. If i were you, dont plan too much with her money in mind. If you reach a tight corner ask her nicely, dont insist. If she gives fine, if she dosent fine. People are from differen backgrounds. I know women who have been recieving for years , they itch to give back to the family. Give do what you are supposed to do, she would do her own quota with time.

My hubby tried so had to doudge it, but the hard nurses ensured that he experienced it, ' Shes ready, quick go and call her husband, he has to see this'.... The guy bowed out when i was being stiched by a male doctor...that was the part he later said he couldnt stand to witness. He stomached the experience sha, and his fear that he wouldnt be able to touch me again did not even happen.
He witnessed both of our childbirths, but could only record the first on video(at least part of it).

Same with Ribena. Its not suitable for children under two,but its only written on the imported ones. I wonder why the nigerian brand omitted it?

Since he comes in two months intervals then there is less time for friction, manage those intervals well. Unless he is abusive even when he is not provoked.

Your challenge is very real and I chose to reply becos i have experienced a part of it(fortunately not the beating part but the part where he wants you to spend every penny you have).

First take a patience pill. A president is respected not becos of the person he is but the office he occupies. Your husbands attitude may be like po, but becos of his office as husband, still give him respect.

1. Call him regularly, be cheerful on the phone when you call, ask him about his activities nicely and be genuinely interested, Dont NAG about money. You can ask about the household needs when you really really have to. if he refuses, let it be.
2. Thank God you have a job and make do with what you have, dont make your contributions an issue, limit your contributions to what is necessary, no fancy stuff.
3. When he comes around stop the confrontation, since he does not listen and resorts to violence. Make the house as comfortable as possible for him
4. Stop asking about the car, your nagging will not get it for you, as you are doing save towards one if you can and it would stop giving him reasons to annoy you, forget the car is there. He would later wonder why you are not asking and might offer it,a t least for his children school runs.
5. Another problem is the distance, he is not around and cant see how you contribute to the family upkeep, if he has any resonable bone in his body, u could do a cash book of your expenses from time to time and show him.
6. His not being around also means honestly...that u add little value to him in terms of perks of marriage, so try and make up for it when he is around.
7. Find contentment in other things, make the house a nice place for him when he returns, reduce the quarrels as much as u can, peharps he can regard you with more warmth. He would at a point look forward to comming home.
8. Look for support, raising the boys alone is not easy, get help so you can have more time for your self.
9. Then my dear, dont be tired of praying.
10. One day he would come round and you would truly begin to enjoy your marriage. One person has to conscede or play the fool in a quarrel, since it is thou that seeketh peace, then thou must play the fool.

Hummm,
@poster DOH.
i believe ur madam would have her own side to the story sha.But abuse weather on a man or a woman is no excuse so lemmie try give my own advice.

Is there any one she has respect for, peharps an elderly woman or man, your marriage sponsors etc preferably not directly related to u guys. i think they have to come in at this point. Let a more mature woman take her under her wing.Let them talk to both of you, together or alone. This might help uncover the root of the problem

so basically we all learn with experience. At the next baby no one would tell her

@poster

No vex but to be frank, this is the reason why somepeople advocate for people of equal classes and backgrounds to marry. Then expenditure outlook might be the same.

I can just imagine how ur wife felt,our first baby, plenty money(old money) and nice nice things to buy.

Talk to her calmy and simply, noo shouting(esp as its not ur money)appeal to her common sence- 'when and were would baby wear all these to. do u have a frend that runs a baby store lets prune them down, group them by similar sizes and styles.lets give ur friend to sell'. Sometimes when you shop, you are unaware of the size regimes u have bought already. Dont nag at all, if she refuses, end it there and move on. And even when the child doesent wear half the shoes, dont even bother saying i told u so, she would learn. Appreciate some of the shoes as well...oh this is nice, so you would not write off the entire gesture.

U could also use the shoes as gifts and keep for more children if God wills it

I am speaking from experience,i also recently had a baby, hes about 4 months old. I bought like 20 footwear for him, but the sizesa are what he would wear till hes like 4 years old. My husband saw them and was looking at me with bad eye, but he knew well enough not to say a word...i used my money and sincerly didnt think it was extragavant. Till date he has worn only one of them and it keeps falling off, infact i just carry the guy with his socks like that. even me don tire to wear the shoes.

'Hve patience, express the positive when you want to point out the negative- it can be so much worse'.

Another one is

'Pray more than you talk'. I actually talk alot and in the process say hurtful things i never meant so this one has particularly helped me

eh ya.... the saddest part of this story is just tht they were friends. Afterall the its not as if the girl schemed her way in as most might have done given the same circumstance. I hope the writer finds her own Boaz.

See as money flowing is a fuel for the love story, kai owo sweet, i just wonder how much love would have existed without all the expensive gifts.

the story resemble my own(minus rivals bein my friend and many expensive gifts), but i was lucky enof to swing my husband back my way again. Infact the tot that he was about to be taken away made me make up my mind about marryin him. thankfully i have no regrets. Its when we loose something that we appreciate its worth. :

@ poster I thank God for you and may He be praised at your testimonies.

However i thought it necessary to add that loving God or being close to him is not all about surreal feelings or that of estacy,becos ur testimonies seem to imply that. Its not all milk and honey and floating feelings,there are moments of dryness and even in such situations,the love of God exists and could even be more prominent. I felt i had to say this so people would hear a more balanced outlook.

Thanks for sharing.

its unfortunate, but obvious that becos the man is not financially capable, even if the woman coughs it would be seen as an insult. the guy wants to be the Man, but since his finances are yabbin him, he sadly uses violence and bullying to make himself feel good. I think the woman should report him to people he respects so they could call a meeting of sorts in an attempt to intervene if that dosent work feel free to move to a more drastic plan b. goodluck.

@aigboma
thanks thats exactly what i am doing...i wrote in just wondering if there was anyother way, becos i believe this way would drift us apart, were only 3years in.

@queensmith
i smiled when i read ur post becos i used to be called 'Tatcher'or 'women liberator'...i dont take nonscence. Infact it was part of my problem when we got married he got in with a mentality of me being a stubborn wild horse he had to break. If u read my post well u would see that i have tried different reactions to the problem.I just wanted a new direction. I am really not the mopping weepy type....

@agba123
Thanks very constructive reply. If i am asked i would say i am his best friend o, esp as it is not one single woman, its like he misses his old flirty days and sees it as a game.Well he has complained that my gist is always too long, that half is gossip and another half is something that would deflate his ego.Most times i am just trying too hard to make conversation, so i think i should take a cue from there. On the aging and cleanliness stuff thats not an issue, i take pretty good care of my self and my weight is under control. He has no close male friends either.

@livapul86
Thanks for the voltron stance....left for me some people are better left ignored. I have never really tot of a leter sha, thats another good one.will definitely do thanks.

I read all, becos i was so curious to know how it ended or solid advice that was given. Why? becos i have or perharps am still going thru this kind of situation, mines better becos its not an ex and its not one woman, but i am sure its just about messages text, BB, FB etc. I am sure becos there is really no room for physical fowl play, he returns home early and we spend weekends together.

Unfortunately i saw no solid advice or gameplan, i needed a man in the house to give me a good gameplan, i think the women in the house are just speculating no offence.

I have tried the viscious confrontation, that one backfired with the issue now being how insultive and physcial i was.On another expose, I then tried the begging crying comfrontation and that lead to an apology but no restitution, I finally tried the logical, matured conversational approach and no show. The result of each of this scenarios lead to him locking up his gadget saying i had no right to read his messages blah blah...that for me shows an unrepentant spirit. He tired keeping his phone clean, deleting messages that just arrived or records of compromising phone calls. The ones i saw i just stumbled on, i wasnt searching for anyting in particular.

HE feels justified becos he dosent sleep with them, but we all know thats how it starts and it makes me scared for him and myself in the future. After the last episode, where i stumbled on a compromising message i decided not to dwel on it. Am getting tired of the whole denial saga, besides i have a semblance of peace and happiness in the home. Basically i have thrown in the towel on that episode hoping feverently it doesent consume us in the future...but what can i do.

So long and short, men in the house can we get fresher, better game plans to break this kind of emotional bondage. For him he is having fun and feels he is immune to fallin headlong, hes just playing with fire.

;DMy first year was horrible. We quarelled alot, he seemed so aloof, like he was punishing me for something.I was a virgin and had lot of fantasy ideas, the guy was just ignoring me. He loved to go out and leave me alone even when i was heavily pregnant. I really had to look inwards to see what i was doing wrongly. Well as someone else said, dont marry another man, later i got to know that was how my husband percieved me as too strong willed and strong headed, that i was dragging position with him. IT was funny becos i really didnt feel so.

2nd year i got the message. and put on a 'respect thy husband cap' and got much better results from my man. Were happy now and we sometimes remember that first year and laugh.

Married men who want to cheat, would always cheat, becos there are always very willing and available women(married or single) to cheat with.

Until women put their feet down(which i cant foresee happening ). The trend can never stop. Its just too bad!

Now this is a serious one.

After they were just begining to settle down and get a rested mind that they had a good nanny. The evil woman was just biding her time for a 3 million naira salary at the end of 6 months.

There is this trend of nanny agents, i have used them a couple of times and after some incidents realised that i just relied on the agents(who are usually illitrate and have no details of the girls) and i did no home work of my own.BIG MISTAKE I have now defaulted to creches abeg, at least there are more people looking after the child versus one stranger at home.

@poster
thanks for sharing

@poster you are not the only one with such misgivings.

For my first baby the doc was male, my husband was there, i had a tear and the doc did the sewing up. My hussy just dissaperared from the room with vex. Even though i was so fagged out, i noticed. Later the guy started lamenting why i used a male gynae when there was an option of a female one. I found it funny, but he was dead serious, that he couldnt stand another man blah blah blah.

Well now i have changed to a female doctor for peaces sake.

I personally saw nothing wrong, there were 2 midwives there and i didnt even give it a tot. But olowo orimi has spoken, so i have to comply.  I actually think make doctors are more sympathetic.

onyxo76:
am a medical doctor though not a gynaecologist. believe me it gets very boring looking at women's private parts all day long!! there s nothing fantastic about what is down there especially most of the time the place emits some terrible smell no thanks to most pregnant women level of hygiene.
I don't envy my colleagues in Obs/Gyn as they are always drenched in placenta fluid, womanly secretions, blood and other fluids.
There is no big deal in male docs seeing female patients only that a nurse must be present during examinations.

When pregnant the smell is more offiensive no matter how much u wash, it disgusts even me. One of my male gynaes described the female part as the dirtiest , most germ infested place he could think of. I was a bit offended, but i guess its true.

Obesere

Very funny post but true sha!!

I have heard male friends say of their wives (who are not working), that the gifts they buy for them are from their own pockets.ure not the only one feeling like this.

Try subtle hints and make the first move on other romantic gestures instead of gifts, hopefully she would get the message and follow suit.

My hussy and I dont keep money jointly, but he is hardly ever pleased with the gifts i buy for him. Within a month he either gives them out or yabs me incessantly. At first i was very upset becos i am such a gift giving person, i have always been. but now i have learnt and am so much wiser, before i buy i ask him. ' i would like to get you this, should i, i even take BB pictures and send to him'. Nothin like supprise gifts, its dosent work for him.

I on the other hand love supprise gifts, but i have been cured, i have learnt to live without and focus on his stronger areas. I hardly buy things for him now and i think i am better for it.

On an occasion i just give him the cash i might have spent on a gift to go sort himself out . He was actually so so pleased. You know they believe its hard to chop woman money Different strokes

Been there, for heartburn Emtrisil made by emzor was simply a life saver, i carried it everywhere i went because even drinking water or common bread used to cause heartburn for me. Orange and akamu is the king of heart burn for me. With Emtrisil i was home and dry. ITs very safe in pregnancy, i was given in a very good hospital. took it through out my first preggie and my little girl is perfect.

Keep urself busy, dont be idle so u wount dwell on the nasty symptoms. Then, keep comforting urself that it would soon be over, and before u know it,

It can be a truly nasty experience. doh

When you hit someone thats not as strong as you its being a coward. If a huge hefty man stronger than you should say or do worse things than ur wife you would not lift a finger.

Please find other methods of conflict resolution and stop getting attracted to wild women. or doing things that would make them go wil d

The test strips never show positive two weeks after intercourse. Its too early for those tests to show anything. Check well. The itch can be another disease
If ure pregnant face the music. , most people regret abortions later.

@ Fr Evangel,,,,,thank you so very much.

Its good to know i still have hope . So let me continue praying for the Holy spirit to be ready to give me and for me to be ready to recieve.

THE TRUTH IS THAT ONCE YOU HAVE RECEIVED THE HOLY SPIRIT, IF YOU PRAY DEEPLY, YOU WOULD HAVE TO MAKE EXTRA EFFORT NOT TO SPEAK IN TONGUES, NOT THAT YOU WOULD BE TRYING TO SPEAK!!! EVEN WHEN YOU TRY TO SUPPRESS IT, IT WILL LET LOOSE SOMEDAY AND YOU WONT BE ABLE TO STOP YOURSELF FROM PRAYING IN TONGUES! , my tots exactly.

If you dont mind, can you kindly drop me your email,,,, , and am certain you could be of assistance when i have other biblical or doctrinal questions. Thanks Again.