₦airaland Forum

i am glad it has refreshed your memory.

drink recommended amount of water 2.6 liters everyday-dehydration is not good and could cause hair blockage,dry strands or tresses that break off.
Take a brisk walk everyday-walk a quick pace for just 15 minutes will help to raise your normal heart rate which improves circulation to your entire body, including to your scalp and hair follicles. The time to take a walk is about one hour after a meal. It is also best to avoid walking at the hottest times of the day.
Get enough sleep-For the body to function at optimal capability, which includes having the necessary energy to nourish and grow hair, humans need enough sleep.
Almonds are loaded with magnesium which is an essential mineral for growing healthy strands.
Used daily or regular scalp massages for both healthy hair and scalp as well as overall health.
Studies have shown that chronic negative moods can impact the human body and cause all human systems to slow down or become sluggish, So laugh

A former harlot was called to the pulpit by the pastor to give her testimony of how she was conveted to a christian she mounted the pulpit and raised her voice high.
Lady: Pr, aise the Lord!
Congregation: Halleluyah,
Lady: I say praise praise , the Lord.
Congregation: Halllllleluyah
Lady: Yes, thank you my brothers and sisters in the Lord. I am the happiest woman in the world, ask my why?
Congregation: Why,
Lady: I was changed from my old ways to a new path, i surrendered, i am transformed. I don't hawk myself anymore, yes, don't be amazed i was a prostitute. Just that i have a better means. I don't stand on the road side anymore.
Congregation: Halleluyah
Lady: I don't collect money anymore if i am lying ask the pastor.

Her style, confidence, body stucture, how loaded she is financially, her connection, her level of education, her exposure in terms of where she visit, her circle of friends-her level, the way she speaks, walk, and interact with people. Just to mention a few.

Her style, confidence, body stucture, how loaded she is financially, her connection, her level of education, her exposure in terms of where she visit, her circle of friends-her level, the way she speaks, walk, and interact with people. Just to mention a few.

Good for u,

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female
students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined 20,000 naira the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined 35,000 naira. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of 70,000 naira. Are there any questions?"
At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much will a year cost?"




Watch out for these viruses. They could be very destructive to your computer:
Ellen Degeneres Virus
Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC
Monica Lewinsky Virus
Sucks all the memory out of your computer
Titanic Virus
Makes your whole computer go down
Disney Virus
Everything in the computer goes Goofy
Mike Tyson Virus
Quits after one byte
Prozac Virus
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care
Lorena Bobbit Virus
Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy
Woody Allen Virus
Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card
Joey Buttafuoco Virus
Only attacks minor files
Spice Girl Virus
Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop
Ronald Reagan Virus
Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored
Dr. Kevorkian Virus
Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them
Oprah Winfrey Virus
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB
AT&T Virus
Every 3 minutes it tells you what a great service you are getting
MCI Virus
Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T Virus
Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus
Terminates and stays resident - It'll be back
Viagra Virus
Expands your hard drive while putting too much pressure on your zip
drive

i noticed that that pizza man was unbelivably not funny i just wanted to see whether i was the only one that felt that way.!

This exact joke was read to eve by Adam, by micheal when he sent devil to earth, by the ancient kings to their princes and princess, by men to their wives as their bed time joke. By slaves who later got their freedom just because of this same award winning joke. And i have to let the legacy live on as you seen or heard it lately in bar parlour, swimming pool full of fish, crocodiles and aligators, by lion to his lioness and cobs, by monkeys when they are wooing their mates. By prisoners when they are about to have their breakfast. Some ancient apes even composed it into love songs for theirs fellow apes, when the homos were invading their privacy. Some babies repeated this jokes in their mummys wombs. Some mummys in Egypt slept with this joke as a source of consolation for people abandoning them there. What is new? The Presidents of the world are ready to pay huge money $$$ just for me to tell this joke to their friends. I need to mobilise my team to carry this joke to the rest of the world, as some are writing, calling for us to bring it on to them. I have to go, people are ready for this joke in an auditorium of 100,000 million people around the world. Cheers!!1

This is the joke i heard 100 years ago.

A man's wife was cheating on him, she was visited by her lover who was smooching her till suddenly the man's car drove into the garage.
Wife: I am in trouble that is my husband's car,
Lover: Hide me anywhere,
Wife: Hide on the roof,
Lover: I am too short to reach your roof , is too tall to climb.
Wife: Hide under the table i will cover you with the table cloth,
Lover: I won't be able to receive fresh air.
Her husband got down from his car and whistled as he approached the main door.
Wife: He will be here any moment, hide fast. She opened her buttocks and shove him inside.
Husband entered and moved closer to her.
Wife: Your meeting closed very early.
Husand: As a medical doctor i have to come and give you the usual injection. Come and sit on my laps, He said as he sat down.
He looked at her backyard.
Husband: What did you eat lately you look fat.
Wife: What do you mean? She said moving further away from him.
He moved towards his room and brought out his gun.
He pointed the gun at her buttocks
Husband: Now come out of there with your hands on your head. And say your last prayers you two.

A man’s wife was in labour so he tried to call the emergency service office to come to his wife’s rescue she was having difficulty at standing. He dialed the first number.
‘Hello this is the mortuary headquarters how may we help you?
‘Sorry wrong number.’ He said.
‘Honey are you sure you can walk?’
‘Only if you ……can carry me?’ She replied. (Chanting some unexplainable names).
‘But you know you are no longer that slim shady I married two years back, you are now five times your normal size.’
‘Are you…, (Blowing air into her lungs) insulting…, me?’
‘I warned you when you were tasting every /meat/chips/ice-cream/chocolates/pastries/ chickens/. And when you cook you check whether there was enough maggi Royco, right amount of onions, water, and meat? Before bringing me my own share, Can you see the end result of it? You ended up eating larger size of the whole portion.’
‘ If you are trying to make….me laugh….dear this is not the right time for that…, my fatness is as a result…… of this pregnancy….you don’t know anything about that do you?
He dialed another number.
‘Hello this is fire brigade office how may I help you?
‘Sorry wrong number.
His wife was now in labour pain that she was screaming.
He dialed another number as his air time was almost over. He reloaded the airtime into his phone and called another number from his phone book.
‘Hello how may I help you?
‘Is that the General hospital?
‘No, this is the …, This is the National Botanical Reserves General office.
‘Sorry….’
‘Don’t you know our family doctor’s number again?’ His wife asked trying not to explode.
‘I do but you know I don’t keep names on the numbers I saved on my phone? Or I must have mistakenly saved it with another name.’
‘That is …, very typical …, of you.’ His wife replied, breathing in and out very fast.
‘I can’t hold myself anymore…, the pain is becoming unbearable.’
‘Baby that sofa is very expensive and priceless hold yourself together till our family doctor comes. I will buy you a brand new car if you do that.’
‘I will….try honey but I don’t think…, ’
He dialed another number
‘Hello, is that?
‘No you have called before this is the fast food joint.’
He dialed another number.
‘Hello is that the…,
‘Forget it my wife just delivered triplets on our valuable sofa….?’

Okay!! This is a joke I heard today!

There were three guys in a forest.
Then they were being attacked by cannibals.
The cannibals said that they wouldn't eat them if they bring back 10 of the same fruit.
So the three guys go into the forest to get the fruit.
The first guy comes back with 10 apples.
Then the cannibals say, "Now the second thing you have to do is shove them up your a$$ without changing the expression on your face."
So the guy shoves the first apple up his a$$ and then whinces. So the cannibals eat him.
Then the second guy comes back with 10 berries.
Then the cannibals say, "Now the second thing you have to do is shove them up your a$$ without changing the expression on your face."
So the guy shoves 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,  then starts to laugh. So the cannibals eat him.
Then in heaven, the first guy says to the second guy, "Why did you laugh?! You almost had it!" Then the second guy says, "I saw the other guy coming with pineapples!"

(2)
There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.

The police chief asks, "What were the people doing on the bus?"

The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.

The chief asks, "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".

The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.

The chief says, "Oh! They were drinking, huh??!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?"

The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.

The chief loses his patience, "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?"

The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.


A guy walks in the bar totally pissed off from the two hours before. His hair soaked, and his knuckles beet red. He sits at the stool and orders the bartender to give him 3 shots of tequila.
"Alright now, sir, before you get an attitude with me, tell me what’s the matter." The guy looks at the bar tedner and begins his story.
"Alright man, I was at the bar down the street and I was talkin' to this fine ass hunny. And she was really feelin' me, ya'know?" The bartender looks confused and says "Yea, well, that doesn't sound so bad."
"Yea? Well let me finish. She asked if I wanted to go to her hotel room. Taken aback, I agreed. So I go to her hotel and fool around a bit. And I'm thinking I'm really scoring with this chick. In the midst of doing our "duty" we hear big footsteps coming down the hall. Terrified the girl tells me she’s sorry and that she has a boyfriend, but she'd be happy to leave him for me.
Agreeing with everything this girl is saying i agree to hide. So I'm running around this room, and the first place I think of hiding is under the bed, but then, no, that’s the first place he'd look. Second, I think of hiding in the bathroom, but of course he'd look there. So, like the fool I am, I decide to dangle from the balcony as her angry boyfriend walks in.
I hear him ranting and raving about how he knows she’s fooling around on him and that he'll hunt me down and kill me. So after a few loud noises the boyfriend mysteriously goes into the bathroom and I hear water running.
So, ya' know, I'm thinking this guys gonna take a bath. But then, he returns, and dumps scolding hot water over my head."
"Yea," the bartender says, "I'd be pissed about that too."
"No, I'm not finished. So when I finally think I've taken enough, still dangling from the window sill, the boyfriend, not nearly has had enough, slams the door over my knuckles five times till i scream, "
"Damn, the bartender says. "So that’s why your pissed huh?"
"No, I'm not done."
"Well will you please just get to it?"
"Yea, I look down and I'm only one feet off the ground."

A new class teacher was introducing herself to her pupils who were aged 4- 5 years for the first time. She called them to the front of the class row by row to tell her what they will love to become when they grow up.
1st Pupil: Good morning madam, i am Ade Sojiadeni, i will love to be a maths teacher when i grow up.
Teacher: That is very good Ade now go back to your sitting position.
2nd Pupil: Teacher, i am shade,  i will like to be a doctor because my mum love injecting the sick in their buttocks.
Class roared out laughing,
Teacher: Good.
3rd Pupil: I will, like to be a ,  em, em and i,  i will love to be a wife snatcher , and a , father like my father. Thank you.
Teacher: Which University will you like to attend?
4th Pupil:Unilag or You.I or Unife, or any University in Nigeria.
5th Pupil: Unicef, or Unipetrol or Unionitsha or Uniaba.

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a couple are spending the day at the zoo.  She's wearing a loose-fitting, spring dress, sleeveless with straps.  He's wearing jeans and a T-shirt.
As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes mad.  He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand, he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand.  He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny, and suggests that his wife teases the poor creature some more.  He gets her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at the ape, and play along.  She does, and the Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. S he does, and the Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.
"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him," he says.  This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and he starts doing flips. With that, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.
"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."


A builder wanted to quit his job for good and  his boss called him aside and gave him a plan and some huge money. Boss: "Build this last house for me. Don't manage the money you are going to spend. "
Three months later he came back to his boss and took him to the new house with the house keys in his hand.
Builder: It wasn't easy i used the lastest building materials, i have to spend more than you gave me just to give you this mansion. I gave it my best, it was tough for me, but i wanted to impress you sir.
Boss: That is very good of you.
Builder: Thanks sir." He bowed.
Boss: Since it is the last house you are going to build for me, i have  decided to , surprise you with this parting gift.
You can hold on to the keys to the house it was meant to be my parting gift anyway, I hope you live and prosper here.'
Builder: What? Are you serious sir?
'Boss: Yes,
'Builder: Why didn't you say so before i started building? This house will collapse any moment from now.



A man went to see his future father-in-law for the first time. He sat down and the future father-in-law told him.
Future-father-in-law: I would have given my daughter to you for free but, you see i sent her to the most expensive school, fed her, clothed her, paid for her projects and series of handouts, leg-outs,  bribed her new employer and previous ones. Paid for her six abortions. Paid for her medical bills.
Future-son-in-law: I am ready to pay for the bride price, just name your price.
Future-father-in-law: Well, you can have her for free then, but pay 1 million naira cash please check can bounce.

Coincidence, I can't imagine what the outcome of that wil be. Especially when the eagle comes down to shop.

My dear,
If someone is not in your position he/she will not understand the psychological torture you are into, i have to tell you that the greatest friend you can have is Jesus, i don't mean to preach but you need spiritual guidance on other to stay sane in this marriage.
Have you tried talking one on one with him? Have you asked him what you have done wrong, you have to listen to have he has to say, pay attention to the issues he emphasized on. Is it weight related? You lifesyle-dress sense? For example do you dress like an old woman instead of updating your wardrobe, i don't mean this in a rude manner, but some of us before marriage we dress in a way that pleases our men, immediately after marriage we relax and don't bother to comb our hair or to look and smell we feel like madams, What attracted you to him the first place? Was he a man that you feel you could change after marriage? I mean was there something you saw as a bad sign but neglected just to tell yourself that you can handle it and you find out it is not what you can handle? What you man is doing is called comitting adultery which the bible says that is a reason for divorce. Even if he comes back to his senses by being a good husband can you change what you don't like about him at this moment?
What of if one of the girls he is carrying around is infected or becomes pregnant for him, what kind of father will you tell your children they have?
Do you pray together? A re you of the same faith? I s there no better way to resolve this than to find yourself a man in other to make him jealous? Don't you think that two wrongs can never make a right? Don't you think it is better to divorce him and re-marry than to lose your honour and conscience? Where is God and his fear in what you are about to do? Believe it or not if you get a man apart from your husband and cry to him every time he will convince you to leave your husband and whether you want to accept it or not you don't know what he is thinking you may not want sex and one day, it will happen because of the closeness,and because he is not your blood relation, and you may just want to show your husband that the two of you can play the game.
I will say this to you as if you were my sister and friend. Don't do it, it is better for you to pray to the creator who gives breathe into his lungs, to touch his heart. To be closer to God and be prayerful if you want to win him back there is nothing God can not do. No marriage is all rosy, some people can not tell you what they are going through because it is very shameful what they are enduring. AND IF YOU TELL THEM TO HAVE ANOTHER BOY/MAN FRIEND THEY WILL SAY NO. I will implore you to put all your burden to Jesus. Let your light shine for your husband to see. Be courteous, be polite when he is talking, MAKE THE HOME A HOME NOT A HOUSE Don't nag him, Be a woman of peace and pray to God for the holy spirit to lead you aright.
You know what he likes and hates-treat him like a king in the presence of people. Don't shout at him in public. Respect and love him, be submissive. If you can't any longer and you feel you must have another man. Leave him, Marriage is to be enjoyed not endured.
What he did or is still doing is very wrong and what is bad is bad, But there is solution that won't warrant your having a man, or if you decided and went ahead to have a man. How are you different than him, you may even turn out to be worse and you find out the man will prefer to have you thrown out and have one of his women in than you. So act intelligently and communicate with him. Don't keep quiet let him know he is hurting you and you want him to stop. Afterall he is your husband, tell him if he doesn't want you anymore let him divorce you. And take it with your head up than leaving when you are not better than he is by having an affair. As a married woman this is not acceptable by God. He is condermed already, he needs to retrace his steps very fast. Remember the commandment of God Period. God is watching.

I know what you are going through it is called marriage. I don't support any man who maltreat his wife, just to make her feel worthless. Don't allow what he is doing to make you feel low or affect you negatively. I know you are wonderfully and fearfully made you don't need any male friend who will confuse and capitalise on your situation to use you and deceive for you to know how worthy you are? Have one thing at the back of your mind he is the one who doesn't know what he has and he doesn't know what he is missing. Don't change don't turn bad because of any man, it is not worth it, You will find out at the end.
You have your life to live, don't make a mistake you will regret for the rest of your life. Be prayerful Devil is a liar, don't give in to his temptations.
You will have the last laugh. You will overcome. Read psalms and pray for favour in your marriage, God the one who has the key to the gate of hell and heaven will not allow your husband to be doomed. He will touch his life and change him. He is the medicine for your troubled marriage. I leave you with psalm 23. God be with you and give you victory.

;d ;d ;d

;d ;d ;d

Yes, you are right.
, as if it is that easy.

If a parked car hit someone is it car negligence? If a person hit a parked car is it called sleep walking?

Insert Quote
@Monicamony  I think you just told your life story here.
From your name everyone knows you like opening office on every guy you meet.
Your brain been dey trek? ,  wey u no recognise ona house boy again when im bring money come give u for school ?
No wonder u called asking for recharge card.
How u wan take pay your fees now wey i no get money to borrow u?
your beans don burn.
Serves you right.

Dear Ben,

I was trying to protect you before by changing the name and sex of that character, but now i can see there was no point in doing that. I am going to spill the beans, And tell the whole world how u love beans so much that u pollute my office till the walls cracked and had to replace everything in my office.
That was your true life story why are u turning the table around? Oh u think i don’t have the original story again? The only news I have for u now is that you shouldn't try to reach home till further notice, I know u will find a way of enduring, Anyway, that aside, I want to warn you publicly because that is the only language u understand, I don’t want to ever see you in my firm again you don't come asking me for money anymore, Your report showed u r not concentrating in class! The last time you came i had to renovate the whole place just because my office was tired of seeing u. Can u imagine your girlfriend dropped by and took me to her house as she threw your two Ghana-must-go bags over the fence? Trust the street kids they shared your stuffs immediately without wasting time, the only thing that baffles me was that the street kids threw your things away and i saw some dogs doing their things on it. Whew! Here did you get sure money from?  I returned back to her house and saw the old naira notes you left for her to manage. Oh my God what did you do with the money I left for you? Anyway, you are officially on your own. Please don't come to my office again you remembered what happened to you the last time u came visiting? How those bulldogs enjoyed your dyed jeans and shoes?
I was thinking of sending some money to you before but sorry your former girlfriend said i should let her use it to renovate her toilet that u spoilt when u came visiting so that was how the money was spent.
Two days later the dirty naira notes you gave her was rejected by the market women, and she decided to give the money to the beggars they refused too saying 'Um um, '

Monica Lewinsky, had left you for more than 5 years now, she had moved on, it is time for you to move on, what she did with u and to u i know it is still fresh in your memory but that was all in the past, i know u can never see yourself getting over it, but she has and she is not coming back to u. That is why u keep on calling every girl you meet monica. The last time u came to my office and Monica of Brandy was there and u embarrassed yourself by asking are u also called Monica? 'Get a hold of yourself.' I said. As the security threw u out that day because u couldn't control yourself around her. Her being my name sake didn't help matters I don't have to do any change of name just because of what u did with your Monica become public? Whew, yes, she has moved on, so allow your dirty thought of her not to be transferred to every Monica u meet, cos, there are monicas and there are Monicas. Not every Monica is your monica so get over her.
Yes i am famous like opening office, with what i have established with my brains not my mouth. Men have respect for me. But for your monica keep dreaming she isn't coming back, even though I know how u so wanted her back, placing her pictures on the newspapers, internet begging her to come back. Get over her and move on, Hear they are now calling u uncle Ben in class, anyway, u will one day get out and see how easy it is to get money.

I am not looking forward to your reply because my security guards and the bull dogs know their work when they see your shadow approaching.
Cheers!!!

N.b
I am sorry to announce to u that your monica just put to bed. Ur name wasn't on the I list, I just feel I should let you know. Hey, her new man is a boxer World champ. So be careful if u want to go visiting her.
Good for you.   Ben.

My bad, in any case have fun with ur concept, but stop wooing me on the phone okay, i have to change my mail box because of u, change my house number, change my mobile number and evn change my name. But u always bribe some people to take u to me, What am i going to do about Ben oh Ben, Stop following me around, stop paging me, stop writing lyrics, stop sending flowers, stop buying chocolates and ice-cream-will melt in your hands, stop going to the gym because of me, stop growing your hair because of me, stop adding spirit to your beards because of me, stop drinking and smoking because of me, stop owing people because of me. Stop following my mum to the market because of me, Stop visiting my nun aunty in the church because of me, stop singing another love song because of me. Stop \wearing eye contacts because of me. Stop brushing ur teeth because of me. Start being desperate to reply me back because of me. Write 100 things you hate about yourself because of me. Start smiling more and argue less because of me. Start laughing out loud because of me. Start being a good man because of me. Start sleeping and doozing off your seat as you are reading this because of me.
Stop calling your girlfiend dry just because of me. Stop hating her for Christ sake and be good to her because of me.Be a caring lover to her and respect her more just because of me, it is your fault if you are not enjoying the relationship any more be a man and show her that u care because of me.

I have to stop tying just because my landline phone is ringing and i hope u are not the one calling, paused, oh it is you Ben again. Just because of me, i will have to sell my landline phone, Ben and u said u ain't desperate?

POSTER Babe you really funny,
If you this funny and still single, hw e go be because
My current babe is as dry as a dry gin
holla your man 08039518965 abeg

Uncle which one u dey self?
Nothing can chuck me dear absolutely nothing. U r the nervous one. U don't know nothing, Hey i can take care of myself, stop looking out for me Ben.

u gave a girl ur number in this forum, se u wan kill 2 birds with a stone?

;d ;d

Enough of murderous and sucidal attempts on anybody's part okay.

;d ;d ;d

I find it funny 2