Disclaimer: This post is totally based on my opinion and no one needs to feel compelled to agree.

I've been wondering for quite some time now where the ideas of wedding vows came from. As a Christian, I understand many's stance on dowry but about vows?.....hmmm.....
Personally, I take vows very seriously. In fact, I consciously refrain from making promises I can't keep no matter how insignificant they might be. Just yesterday, a colleague at work asked me to do her a favour and I told her plainly that I'd try but I wasn't going to make any promises. At the end of the day, I wasn't able to grant her that favour but I didn't feel guilty because I had earlier stressed it to her not to be expectant. Our relationship onward wasn't awkward as you would expect because she didn't feel entitled to any promise I made and I didn't have to tread cautiously around her due to the guilt of an unfulfilled debt.

What am I driving at?

....for better for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.

These are very powerful words and I don't take them lightly especially if the vow is said to be taken before GOD. Mbanu! Very risky. It will mean that I have vowed my entirety away. If my husband hits me, it becomes part of the 'worse' I have vowed to live with. If he knowingly infects me with HIV, it is also part of the 'worse' I have vowed to live with. You may want to argue that my analogies are extreme, that is, 'worst'. However, there is always a worst worse than worst so when exactly do you know your partner is treating you in the worst way possible? Someone else somewhere definitely has it worse that you, and that's the reality of life.

If we are being honest, a lot of women and men alike live with this burden of a broken vow, and that guilt makes them stay put even when they are in very unhealthy marriages. We'd rather just endure here than face eternal damnation because a promise is a debt and a debt is a sin right? My question is, why take a vow you cannot guarantee to keep in the first place? Why do churches force couples to take vows penned down for them? Why spoon-feed everyone with the same set of vows? No two marriages are the the same so no two conditions for marriage can be the same especially since we cannot see the future.

What if my husband ends up being a Russian spy?
What if he ends up being my long lost cousin?
What if he says he wants to join the Illuminati and I must follow him so long as I'm his wife?
What if he wants to move the family to North Korea?
What if he is the anti-Christ sef?

All these are major deal-breakers and I wouldn't want to feel guilty for seeking divorce in such a situation. At this junction, I believe couples should be truthful to each other from the onset and say their vows just as it really is in their hearts. My vow should go along the line of;

....until I exhaust every method possible, I will never stop loving you....

http://thenaijafeminist..com.ng/2017/05/for-better-for-worse-is-problem.html

I used to think motorcycles were the worst thing that happened to humankind until I moved back to Ibadan. You see, these Ibadan taxi drivers are a very special breed. The Nissan Micra is their go-to car model due to its ability to conserve fuel and especially due to its maneuvering advantage as a result of its small size. Unfortunately, their total disregard for traffic rules and other road users is appalling.
Last week, I happened to witness two motorcycle accidents on the same road within a short interval. In fact, the second incident was a hit and run and the motorcycle driver's head was merely missed by an inch. Of course, a discussion about the dangerous driving of motorcycles started in the taxi I was and it was spare-headed by the taxi driver himself. I'm sure he was expecting to be cheered on for his wonderful speech but the tides turned quickly. Myself and the other passengers told him that he had no moral justification to complain about motorcycle drivers since Micra drivers were not just not any better, but were in fact far worse. We made the driver realize that the only reason they didn't get into as many accidents was because they had a vehicle body to shield them. Let's just say he lost that argument and I was satisfied that at least he knew how commuters really felt about them. Hopefully, he takes note of that and advises the rest of his kinsmen to do the same.
Another thing about this people is that they are not loyal. Several times I have stood at a point waiting for a reasonably priced taxi to take me to my destination. If after a while I move ten steps forward, I would happen to see those taking passengers for the standard price which is like 40% cheaper than the initial ones. Prices can move from N70 to N200 in a split second due to light sprinkles of rain. It is always safe to bargain with at least 3 drivers before settling for one. Never trust these people. THEY ARE NOT LOYAL!
There's one last thing I really fear about the Micras, they are shady af. I almost got kidnapped in one last year. It's a miracle how I managed to escape.
So tell me, have you had any experience with Micras? Can you share?
Have you ever been insulted by one ? That is a story for another day......

http://thenaijafeminist..com.ng/2017/05/end-of-world-micras.html

Many a times we fall into the trap-cycle of being unnecessarily mean, uncouth, and vindictive to others just because we are faceless on the web. I mean, this is the only place we get to say our minds without being struck across the face. So why not just let it all out?

The thing is, we don't know how it feels on the other end until we find ourselves at the other side of the spectrum. I am speaking from a personal experience here. I used to be a very active commenter on a popular website. In fact, I had no filter. I would pick on other commenters randomly especially if I don't agree with their views. Unknown to me, I had made a number of faceless enemies in the process. Unfortunately too, I had left little details about myself here and there in my comments.

Before I knew it, I got a very personal attack one day that sent me into depression for months. Yes, that's right. This faceless person didn't just come for me but also came for those close to me. Ouch! For a long time, I kept telling myself that the person was the worst human on earth because from the comment, I knew it was someone close. I became very suspicious of everyone around me. You can imagine how much damage that caused.

After some soul-searching, I had to give myself a reality check. Was I any better than this supposed "worst human"? I was just as guilty. An attack is an attack whether personal or not and it causes the same amount of pain. That particular comment generated a lot of likes and replies with those I had attacked before praising it.

Now, I learnt the hard way but I don't want you to. Let's all make the web space a place of solace and not a death zone. We can all disagree on an issue by 'agreeing to disagree' and not by tearing one another down. This is not limited to fellow commenters alone, what about celebrities on various social media platforms? If you have the mentality of "well, they put their business out their for us to see so we have every right to dissect their lives for them'', you need to think long and hard.

So fellas, before you press ENTER on that next comment, ask yourself these questions:

1. What is the purpose of my comment? Is it to bring someone down or to elevate the person?
2. Is my criticism coming from a place of sincere concern or from a place of vindictiveness?
3. Will the world change for the better if I post this comment?
4. Will the world crumble if I don't post this comment?
5. Will my comment really make a difference in that person's life or do I know deep down that it'll only make the individual more defensive?

The first step to not being a cyberbully is answering these questions honestly and truthfully. You would know whether or not to press ENTER afterwards.

Remember; there is freedom of expression but freedom after expression is not guaranteed.

Cheers!

http://thenaijafeminist..com.ng/2017/05/are-you-cyberbully.html

It saddened my heart when I heard about the sexual assault and rape incidents that occurred among the high school students of Falomo Senior High School and Ireti Grammar School Students. Read the full details here.
I just kept asking myself how we got here as a society. I will tell you why.

1. Our a "hoe/bad girl" deserves to be raped mentality. If only you knew what a forceful sexual intercourse feels like, you would understand that the punishment never and WILL NEVER fit the "supposed crime".
2. The attitude of always looking for loopholes FIRST in the victim's story. I understand that some people falsely accuse others of rape but I thought the low records of that will show that it is less common than true accusations but alas, Nigerians would rather hold on to the VERY FEW fake accusations to uphold the flaws in their thinking. I personally find a fake abuser as bad as a real rapist but that doesn't mean I go hunting for them in every rape story. I always side with the alleged victim first because I would rather not push someone into further anguish due to my doubts.
3. Our disregard for the gravity of sexual assaults. Just like attempted murder - attempted rape, sexual assault, sexual molestation (call it whatever you will) are as serious as rape itself. To term the offense rape, our constitution says there as to be 'carnal knowledge' (that is, penetration). So dry-humping someone without consent, forcing someone to give mouth action, grabbing at someone's sexual organs without being invited (like Yaba boys), blackmailing someone to have sex (e.g. in an office environment), etc all qualify as either sexual assault or sexual molestation. A lawyer would be in a better position to explain the technicalities of these.

Number 3 up there is what those school boys did on that particular day. Also, like the story claimed, a girl had been raped on that street the previous week. This means if you don't stamp your foot on sexual assault, it will eventually in most cases lead to rape. This is why sexual assault is just as bad rape itself.

I have promised myself not to say much so as not to veer off topic, so I'm just going to leave a comment that resonated with me on the linked post of Bellanaija.

Engoz: I hope those comedians that make light of sexual assault are reading. Also the men/women that argue sexual assault on the premise of the ‘type of clothing you wear’ or something along the line of ‘what’s she doing a man’s house’ as if sexual violence is dependent on clothing or location rather than the depravity of the criminal. This is the monster you have created. You have bred monsters for your daughters. Your daughters are now in danger in Nigeria. Young girls in uniforms are getting violated in broad day light. What has been going on in darkness, is now coming to light. Continue making light of rape. The next comedy event you go to, go there and laugh over rape jokes, you hear. Don’t wake up to the reality of Nigeria’s rape culture and the limited MALE role models for boys in our society. Continue holding only girls responsible for sexual morality. Leave the boys to do whatever they like. Continue living in your fake realities as masculinity is being defined as a sexually corrupt immoral entity. Don’t call your boys to order. Continue focusing on the girls the way Reuben Abati, Reno Omokri, Alibaba, etc does. You will never ever see them call their boys to order and question the corruption and thuggery of masculinity. I will help you all question it. M.M thank you for a job well done and bringing this into light.

http://thenaijafeminist..com.ng/2017/05/victim-blaming-think-first-before-you.html

Op, don't mind what anyone else says. Your peace of mine is what is important. Feminism is about equality. However, each family should define what their equality means. According to Adieche, equality is when there's no resentment left, and not necessarily 50-50. I agree with her. I am sure that even if your wife still does more chores than you in the home, she wouldn't resent you because she doesn't feel under pressure. God bless you and continually give you a happy family.

Cutehector:
well the men didn't put a gun to her head forcing the women to wash their clothes. They chose to.



She chose to wash his clothes, he chose to wash hers, she being a woman stopped and told him it's not right for a man to do that.. coming from a fellow woman. Now dat should speak smth into you

She said it wasn't right because she was configured to think so. I'm a woman too and I don't see anything wrong in washing my husband's cloth or him washing mine. To me, it's more of a way of expressing love than a duty.

mhisbliss:
in as much as I'll love to standup for a fellow lady against police brutality or army brutality i know theres two side to every stories and the girl must have done something out of arrogance, and because she thought the man was a nobody, had it been he is on uniform the girl would have obeyed and avoided what happened

The way Nigerians try to grasp at straws just so they can blame the victim beats me. Man or woman, a soldier should never hit a civilian. Finish. Please let it end there.

KissChris:


Arguing with You is pointless

Leave him. The bible had already predicted in the book of Romans that the foolish will think they're wise.

Gassa007:

If I'm the one,I'll return to Naija and look a strong witch doctor. You what's next na.Feminist oshi

Are we now resorting to insults? You are an adult, learn to engage in arguments without throwing tantrums.

Maduawuchukwu:
I dislike Buhari but this woman is very stupid to say the least. This is a matter capable of breaking her home.

Is it your home to break?

cyrilamx:
in every life facet, there is control...even in animal Kingdom. Why do companies have span of control and not let everybody act with his/her discretion since we all reasonable and matured adult as colleagues?
A man must have authority over his home that include his wife...am not canversing for dictatorship in the home, rather mutual respect based on our roles and man and wife at home.[b] The pro-women law in western society is the reason of too many broken homes. [/b]We continue to read horrible stories like this as long as the fat earning salaried wives employ the female chauvinistic laws to torture their hubbys. It is sad.

You lost me there. Since you believe so much in "control", I wonder how much that has worked for you. Buhari is in control but the country is in shambles. Go figure.

ABJ4Real:
From time immemorial, women are known to have bitten the fingers that fed them, but the intensity at which they continue to bite those fingers today is worrisome. Why they are wired like this beats all imaginations.
Men should always realize that a woman's critical nature doesn't disappear on her wedding day. Rather, the potential of becoming a demon or monster increases. As male leadership in marriage today is seen as 'unmerited and unwarranted dominion' which must be resisted, marriage will continue to be slavery for men. Especially men in the U.S.A. Unfair as the situation may be, that is what the society has painted.
While condemning the brutal murders, women should be mindful of their excessive expectations and men should not allow emotion to destroy all they have laboured for. Also, some men need to stop thinking with their dicks. Please use brain.

Are you really complaining about slavery in marriage? Lol, thank God you said in the US

sunvick:
Why won they kill emmm.

You don't kill her she sends you to jail for the rest of your life plus paying child support from jail.
Since the women has decided to be wise, the men has resolved to be smart.

Too many fatherless boys these days in America.
#ticfortac

But they killed them and still ended up in jail.

abike12:
I don't know why a sane adult will think it's his duty to control another living, breathing and functioning adult because he is the husband. I was very hard on a nlder that was claiming he's going to Nigeria to get a wife to bring back with him to the UK for this very reason. These men live in cities with a lot of eligible Nigerian single women but choose to go to Nigeria to import village girls so they can isolate them from their family and friends and control them. Unfortunately for them, the girls eyes will open and then they will resort to killing them as a means of final control. They would rather have a dead wife than a wife that comes and goes as she pleases. As for you girls in Nigeria waiting for their savior with dollars and pounds to come and rescue them, a word is enough for the wise. It's best you go and look for work and a young man in Nigeria to hustle with and build something.

God bless you mightily. This has always bothered me too. Can men please make me understand their undying need to control another living, breathing, adult human being with brains who has the capacity to reason? Do they think it's that easy to follow someone's every other without thinking of self? Like, I don't get it. What do you gain?

vizkiz:
I am not surprised

Na the "one night stand" them kuku take snatch your husband.

That was low. She never hurt you. Don't be unnecessarily mean.

Charly68:
No man can live under the same roof with a jealous woman. She is immature & can not keep a home. What type of nonsense is that? The yoruba used to say; cutting off the head is not an antidote to curing an headache

And the man who cheated was keeping his home? See how you absolved him of any blame. You guys amaze me a lot.

teepsee:
that is why they say a woman investigate more than the FBI once they ate suspicious.



But why do men cheat a lot, and again why put all the blames on the man when most ladies they commit this act with are aware of their marital status.


I think it should be balanced

When it comes to cheating in marriage, the blame cannot be balanced because one took a vow while the other didn't. The blame for cheating in relationships can be balanced if you wish but in marriage? kolewerk.

wxyz1:
If not because you are hiding behind internet to write this trash, i which you are talking face-to- face i would have landed you a dirty slap that you would never forget in your life if you survive it. Blind follower.

The irony is that you're birds of a feather

egbonnla:
All of us (Wailers and Zombies) should be worried about the recent recklessness and lack of respect for the rule of law on part of he executive. We should not allow sentiments to becloud our sense of reasoning. The Judiciary is an independent arm of government and the last hope of the common man. Granted some few judges may be corrupted but the constitution has provided ways of treating cases of corrupted judges. The executive should have reported such judges to National Judicial Committee. The judges can then be prosecuted by the police if they are found guilty of criminal acts by NJC.
If we allow the Executive to muzzled the Judiciary, the president may become a dictator who can do any thing and get away with it. Our collective freedom may be taken....

God bless you. Most sensible comment. Nigerians learn please. Neither Jonathan not Buhari is a saint. You'd be extremely doing yourself a disservice to try to defend either of them. The rule of law is the rule of law anywhere and everywhere. Jonathan was stopped because of the rule of law, he didn't do us a favor by leaving the presidential seat. Buhari must also be stopped by this same rule of law. It's time to sign a petition for the impeachment of this man o. He is so incompetent. All this suffer suffer and after four years another person will still come and reverse all his policies.

Bugatie:
Goodmorning Nigeria, A dictator is born...

You never know what you have until you loose it.. Jonathan didn't try a quarter of what the dictator from Daura is doing today. He was bashed left, right and centre but he remained unprovoked.

God bless you Jonathan, you're a fine gentleman.

Please, this does not make Jonathan a saint

hopeforcharles:

Here is a test, Have u seen a woman been the head of the family and doesn't treat the man like shit?
A woman can never play a the role of a man in the house and don't complain,
This should clearly tell you it's the role of the man to dictate things and the woman to support, advice or request.

You what is wrong with your argument? There are a lot of men who are heads who also treat their women like poo, what do you have to say about that? Being a dickhead is not gender specific. Like I said, the blame game won't help anyone. If you like, keep it up.

Ifakiland:

I shuldnt concentrate on looks abi Tank u, remind me to take my nxt gf for an xray to check her inner beauty...yeye dey smell. Pack urself oneside abeg.

It might be a necessary condition but not a sufficient one. [b][/b][/i][i]
Understanding what you read is always key.

iceberryose:
Girls don't wanna hustle
All of them are either models or make up artist

And that is called what?

Ifakiland:
Am actually scared of marrying the wrong woman. Cos gals av a way of changing after wedding, d angelic make up filled face turns into a pimples colony early in d mrn in bed with u....den she starts getting fat, skipping baths, nagging, etc.
I'm also scared am gonna cheat on my wife...if she stops been d gal I fell in love with after wedding!

There's no way the woman you marry wouldn't change physically, and there's no way you wouldn't change physically. Women change their behaviors, men do too..... so your statement sounds sexist. Aside that, that's why your priority shouldn't be looks when looking for who to marry because you would be disappointed. It might be a necessary condition but not a sufficient one. People age, we all have to be selfless and learn to deal with it. You don't love your mom less now than you did 20 years ago, do you?

Malakh:
A feminist or a rebel shouldn't be talking the way you talk but it was written that a woman shall compass a man but He also said the vintage shall cease and the gathering shall not come in other words no more money to be made,I do like your reasoning

A feminist is not a rebel. A feminist is someone who believes women should have rights to make certain decisions for themselves. And there is nothing wrong or rebellious about that. Now, how each individual chooses to interpret it is a topic for another day but in the real sense there is nothing negative about feminism unless you're an enemy of progress.

hopeforcharles:
in as much as you have a point, but I disagree with the part where u said women are treated now is not ok, because its even now women are treated better due to advancements and development technologically,the problem is a bit from the women because since they became educated they feel have arrived and are acting up forgetting that two captains can never peacefully control a ship, I think women should have a rethink.

No one is talking about control here. Why do men feel so intimidated? It's like anytime a woman manages to make a decision, it becomes control. The problems in marriages these days is beyond control. Should we also talk about men who don't want to be responsible? Check yourselves. The blame game won't help anyone

hopeforcharles:

where ? so amends will be made , and a restoration process might begin

What went wrong was the way women were treated for centuries. If we were provided for and protected like we should have been, there wouldn't be need for feminism, women wanting to be provided for by all cost (gold diggers), women fighting against double standards and doing what men ordinarily will get away with..... Etc. I believe this is why you feel there are no good women out there. My prayer is that men will learn to treat women the way they want to be treated because in truth, the power to change this societal menace lies in your hands. You are the heads of families. There's so much feminists can do but we cannot tie chains round your necks to force you to treat women better. It has to come from your hearts. But it is not rocket science that every action has an opposite reaction. If you're a gentleman (I don't mean stupid), then you can complain when a woman misbehaves but from what I see, most men who complain about women of these days being bad are also of questionable character. So it's hard to take them seriously. As a leader, be the change you want.

hopeforcharles:

Hahahahhahahahahhaha ' iam inside one 5yr relationship and It appears it has been an olosho relationship all along
Lol these days it's hard find a good girl don't know what went wrong

Y'all went wrong

Ranchhoddas:
Lol...By introducing God you deviated from the topic ma'am. I just followed your lead.

But at Kat let your deviation be valid. What is the feminism here?

Ranchhoddas:
Nice try! He'll tell me the same thing He tells me about feminism

? Stick to the topic at hand

Ranchhoddas:
Breach of trust is not enough to contemplate divorce? Do you realise that this action will cause hin to second-guess her every action for the rest of their marriage. Who wants to be in that kind of marriage? You?

One thing I know is that it's not enough reason to leave my marriage. If you were having a conversation with God, what do you think He'll tell you?

Ranchhoddas:
Not just in marriage, every aspect of life. It's a pity that the not-yet-fully-evolved beings that I happen to have the cosmic misfortune of sharing nationality/race with cannot grasp something so basic. The donkeys are going as far as blaming the man for even daring to get upset. I regret my nationality.

They're blaming the man for considering divorce not for getting upset. Learn to read between the lines.