₦airaland Forum

EnlightenedSoul: My take is intended to cure the OP's confusion. The ball will truly be in her hands when she sees the situation for what it is.

A friend with benefits to whom she is unattached (her words) = frivolous = not a serious relationship.

Are u referring to her boyfriend as fwb or the married man

where is d coogar,,,

EnlightenedSoul: Yes.

Well, it's obvious he knows where she lives and is familiar with her. That isn't an issue. In fact, it's crucial. The OP said she's "confused". This will clear things up for her, and dupe that fine "head" of his in the process.

Taking a "gift" as a gift is the last thing men like this expect. Doing so will put him in a precarious position of coming to her doorstep (don't answer the phone OP) to recall his "gift". Not only will he be confused by her literal take, but the OP's mind will clear through the events that follow, and his intentions will be laid out for her.

What intentions are u referring to

The married father of one has said he loves her and has attempted to gift her something she needs

The ball is in her hands

What else ..she has already said she has a friend with benefit relationship with her boyfriend

Accepting the car leads to another step

Kay17: But you didn't answer the question. You sidestepped it.

Ok.. for purposes of this discourse... assume i dont know.. then elucidate me on the issues... are u male or female?


Im having a good discourse with carefreewannabe.. who seems to be more responsive on the issues

carefreewannabe: I feel that we do at the moment.
Things are changing far too slow for my taste.
Of course there are single women living their lives but the society's mindset is still all wrong and consequently these women will have to face a lot of negativity and will repeatedly get hurt and pressured.

I agree with you.. this will balance out in a matter of time
And it is not due to feminism
Education and enlightenment
What biz of mine is it about a woman's life

If she is professional, minds her own biz.. she should be left alone

Was I talking about sl.uts? Very interesting you use words such as sl.ut and ho immediately.
Is it not hypocrtical to call women sl. uts and at the same time celebrate "bad boys"?
But again who was talking about "sl. uts"?

what you referred to is known as slutshaming
Let me define it for you

Slut-shaming, also known as slut-bashing, is the idea of shaming and/or attacking a woman or a girl for being sexual, having one or more sexual partners, acknowledging sexual feelings, and/or acting on sexual feelings. Furthermore, it’s “about the implication that if a woman has sex that traditional society disapproves of, she should feel guilty and inferior”

http://finallyfeminism101./2010/04/04/what-is-slut-shaming/

What about men? Should they drop their career ambitions if they want to be fathers?
How many times do we hear and read of wives being threatened to be sent out of their HUSBAND'S house back to daddy?
How many times does it happen the other way round?

Some men do but you have to keep it in context
This is still a traditional society where men have always been the providers
The dynamics of men taking career breaks to help in parenting will take time to shapen

I have colleagues who have taken career breaks (usually after 10-15 years of work to do this)[/quote]Next examples:

It is normal for a man to cheat and even infect his wife with STDs but a big crime for a woman to do the same.

Men are polygamous and can live polygamous marriages but women can't.[/quote]It is not normal to infect ur wife with STIs.. who will take care of the kids when you both die. That is absurd

Polygamy is a traditional issue which we have all discussed at length..

The govermnment should protect the rights of women in a polygamous marriage

banning it is not the solution



PS- I have to do my nightly exercise.. i will respond when i get back

joomiegirl: Seriously, though..I believe I answered the last 2 questions very clearly in a previous post. I work in naija. In a male-dominated field. I receive the same pay as male counterparts on same grade. Of course I believe in educating the girl-child...am I not one?

Thanks for saying this
I always ask them to give one company that pays male and female differently for the same work and level

In Nigeria which is a developing nation.. not one example

yet they scream pay gap!

Kay17: In your belief, what were the goals of feminism in the past that are redundant today?

With so much education and exposure

In my school, females were best grad students.. My boss for many years was a female .... my partner has all authority to act on my behalf in all issues..

So what is the issue... i ask again...

Kay17: Mr Pickbeau1 the very foundation of your stand is at risk, you have admitted that feminism has made invaluable contributions to society, and that admission stands in direct contradiction to your OP that feminism is harmful to society. Please resolve that immediately.

Mr/Mrs/Ms Kay17

Everyone here has agreed that it had some benefits with the first and second waves. That is not in question

Socialism and Communism had its benefits

i am asking what is its purpose for d NOW?

EnlightenedSoul: No actually, make yourself scare =/= run.
I wasn't aware there was a crew, and I'm not trying to make anyone look "uncool", so do not presume to know my intentions immediately after being corrected for putting words into my mouth. 'Cuz that's just double, and makes you look , no?

Interesting... answer d question

She should take d car and make herself scarce how?

She works in that city, he knows where she lives as they had a relationship

What do u propose

Please do - so we can thrash this issues out

carefreewannabe: Social issues such as the name calling of women who are not married and past 30.

people should be able to live their own lives to their fullest
You dont need feminism to stop stigma of single career ladies
With modernisation and education, this will stop

Things are changing

The DG of the Securities and Exchange Commission is a single. so many professionals in Nigeria who are single and living their lives
with time this will stop

Social issues such as the celebraion of "bad boys" but discrimination of women who are not ashamed of having a libido.

Slutshaming still exists in that same West.. you know right?
Guys will use and dump a ho
whether they call her names or not

If slutshaming is made a crime today, does it mean guys will be forced to copulate with women they know or perceive as sluts
Guys dont want high mileage punnies... simple

Social and economic issues such as the conviction that a woman's primary role is motherhood.

Similar to the post above... if u want to get to the top as a woman,... parenting is not for you

Economic issues such as the ownership of properties.

I could go on and on.

Ownership of properties... this is an education issue and the suffering of widows due to the demise of the breadwinners is an eyeopener
There were traditional checks which are inadequate and failed
Women can own properties.this is guaranteed. im sure you have females in your circle who own properties, cars in naija. this is a human rights issue.

Go on please

Kay17: I just realised that I would be derailing the thread by discussing specifics such as abortion. So I redeem myself by sticking to the relevant issues. If you want to talk about the broader aspects, open a thread on that and invite me.
As it relates to the OP, the bolded contradicts your earlier statements that feminism is harmful to the society, but now you find the work of its pioneers valuable. That there was the need for feminism. So where do you stand? For or Against feminism OR against neo-feminism?

I think it will be better here... as there are too many threads

i believe in fairness.

I dont see why a person (male or female) should be discriminated against on basis of gender, colour or religion

The same way women get favours from men can be termed sexist also

I believe in education for both sexes.

A list of the issues is ok.. abortion tends to be touchy because of the religious and traditional issues around it but i know in the US, 20 weeks or so is the generally agreed life boundary. i will not argue with you on abortion as women should be incontrol of reporductive rights subject to a caveat. if i tell you i dont want that baby pre-20weeks and you dont abort it, i aint paying for no child support

otherwise science says the foetus is just a clump of cells

Lets discuss here

carefreewannabe: Feminism is not about colour. Another fallacy.

Interesting.. ok

I asked kay17 the particular issues still to be resolved
he/She mentioned abortion

Any ideas on this?

EnlightenedSoul: You should re-read my comment

i did.. but i will humour you... requoted below


have u also joined the re read crew.. not so cool of u...
Trying to make others look uncool.. makes u look..

We speak English in Nigeria #justsaying..

make oneself scarce
Fig. [for someone] to become difficult to find; [for someone to] go into hiding. Tom is mad and is looking for you. Better make yourself scarce. Make yourself scarce! Here comes the sheriff.

EnlightenedSoul: See this head making such lovely intellectual decisions, I wonder where his neck is?

OP, relieve him of the GIFT and make yourself scarce!

What nonsense!

carefreewannabe: Does it make any sense to you to post pictures of white girls on a predominantly black forum? How do the lives of white women in the West can be compared to those of black women in Africa? Like seriously?

brecuase it is a white female ideology
A lot of our black ladies dont know this

Historically it is believed that it was introduced in black communities in the US to undermine the black man in the wake of victories obtained by the Civil Rights Act

Kay17: You have to start by recognising the efforts of past feminists in breaking down the barriers women once faced.

Secondly, there is still much to be done. I am not a feminist, I don't believe in affirmative action either, I'm for the removal of barriers and bounds. For one, abortion is a safe and easy medical surgery that should be available to all women, it is illegal in Nigeria.

The efforts of the pioneers are recognised. Its the travails of the neo- ones i dont get

when you say barriers and bounds.... forgive me if i say that is vague.. can u be more specific

Abortion.. lets accept that... if that is given as a right say pre 20 weeks... will that be ok

i need specific things to discuss with

carefreewannabe: At best

Mayb he wants her as his mistress

Yes i mentioned that earlier

Naetochukwu: Hey y'all should calm down, he gave her a gift, and he hasn't said he wanted her as a mistress so she could collect it.

im calm.. if u were d op will you accept it

EnlightenedSoul: What mean you, pickabeau?

you said she should collect d gift and run.. i said where

I erroneously thought the writer was female. I had initially guessed male but the style was female hence i assumed that way

and i subsequently modified my post.. an earlier poster ihedinobi2 had mentioned it before u highlighted it

Good u agree chivalry makes no sense in an equal society

On the comments by adichie on achebe, i will try n get links on that

good debate

mcino: I am well aware that you didn't write the article and that made me to refer to you as OP, while the owner of the article was referred to as the writer. Sure, you don't need to be female to understand female issues, but in a presentation like this, it is necessary to put everything into perspective. I accused you of deliberately ignoring the fact, and in fact facilitated a wrong notion that the writer is a female, and I stand by it. You replied thus, " 4. Also she raised the practical example of living in a highly feminized society and the fact that marital issues still occur" to Cococandy, which I consider a deliberate mischief to misguide opinions. Cococandy also fell for it, referred to him as 'she', when she replied, "if I didn't read it,how else did I know what she said?" and the flow continued from there. Those that can reason know the psychological implication of this.

I did not expect you to answer for the writer, though you can defend him as the poster, if you think my observation is defensible. So, when I observed that it is intellectually fraudulent to deliberately try to confuse the audience, by implying that Adichie expected to be assisted by men in an elevator, when there is no premises upon which it is based. So, if what you mean by "Is she entitiled to get people to perform chivalric acts" is her complain about the unfriendliness of the Swedish, i guess you can see where i stand. However, I already stated my stand on feminism and would be disappointed in her if she is a feminist and still expect men to help her because she is a woman. Anybody could expect to be helped when in need, regardless of gender, opinions and inclinations, but expecting that simply because you are a woman, when you advocate equality is simply crazy.

Finally, I would appreciate if you can cite a reference on the attack she made on Achebe. If your accusation is right and she atries to appeal to the west, it is her life and her responsibility to do whatever she likes with it. Moreover, she is made by the west and grossly disparaged at home, so where do you think her allegiance will be. This in no way means that I agree to that assertion. She is being herself and sharing her own opinion on various issues, just like every other person who has such an opportunity to have an audience.

I strongly believe that she should be allowed to flow with her opinions, while those with contrary opinions should try and sell theirs without attacking her. I honestly believe that those that try to sell their opinion by attacking Adichie's opinion are seeking cheap publicity, by trying to ride on her popularity. I find it a lazy thing to do. One should be able to build a reputation before seeking popularity. Those that do otherwise, or try to attack popular people in other to gain popularity do not go far.

tatiana009: In that case he is an irresponsible husband which is an entirely different topic. There are bad husbands who are good fathers

you see.. different shades of grey....
Thats why i told the Op his post was open to interpretation

carefreewannabe: Yeah, you are right, he most likely knows what she needs and uses this information.

My vacation was very nice. Thanks.

in my opinon////he wants her as a second wife..

tatiana009: My point is yes those women are horrible however they are not the ones who have a responsibility towards the man's children. It's the father's job to make sure that his responsibilities are met the same way the mother must fulfill her responsibilities towards her children regardless of if there are a million men trying to seduce her.

I agree with you wholeheartedly

Now lets take it one step further

he performs his duties as a father to the kids but still has a mistress he sees every six months... is that not irresponsible too

The op seems to focus on the poor ones who cant even take care of their own famuily yet drink n philander

she is aware of the ramifications.. she just has a slight prick of her conscience hence the question

she has already accepted it.. can she dance to the piper's tune now....

MizMyColi: oops, i came in really late. Almost all the posts on here speak my mind. OP Do the right thing joor

See, there's a spirit in man and the inspiration of the almighty gives him understanding - understanding of that which is RIGHT and that which is wrong.


I've been in your shoes b4 only he isn't an Americanah.
D'ya knw what I did?



I FLEED!!!

Sure, I was tempted. See, I won't pretend, I liked the guy too But, I kept reminding myself of the "Do unto others" mantra.

carefreewannabe: I would not feel comfortable accepting such a present but it is easy to talk from my position, in which I can afford a car by myself.

I don't think this is a free present, there is definitely a price tag on it. OP must know if she is willing to pay.

Pickabeau, how have you been?

I agree with you as there is a price tag

And its something that he knows she needs..maybe ffrom theiir chats

I have been well, all is well... thanks be to God

how was your vacation.. hope u are tanned

tatiana009: There will always be someone willing to commit a crime with you, it is up to you to choose to do it or not. Whoever the married party is, is the one who has made a vow and has the responsibility to keep it. Would you excuse a married woman having an affair by saying after all the man agrees to sleep with her?

Fair point.... however these men sleep with women who give no damn also

fair is foul and foul is fair

Sophyrocks: No banter with you. Thank you.

Its not banter as its not a teasing question

publicenemy: meeeen...i neeed that iphone.

i feel you.. let me call others to comment

EnlightenedSoul: See this head making such lovely intellectual decisions, I wonder where his neck is?
OP, relieve him of the GIFT and make yourself scarce!
What nonsense!

where will she run to



sophyrocks, carefreewannabe

Sophyrocks: THAT IS WHY THERE IS DNA TEST. duuuh!!!
Nobody will force you to be responsible over a child thats not yours. You choose out of your own free will after getting to know. Such a statistic cannot be compared to how promiscuous men are who also bring in children from one or more women outside in spite of the fact that they are married.

do these promiscuous men cheat with themselves

Kay17: Should men have more rights to free speech than women OR more privacy rights than women? And issues of abortion and family planning revolve around privacy rights and health rights. But you hardly find people engage feminists on these vital pivotal issues.

When you speak of rights... which rights do u as a woman not have
Abortion is already a right.. pro choice anyone?

What are d issues... modern issues

You guys scream wolf and no one sees it

oh boy,,, u b witch,,,, how u sight me

Exactly what was in my head
he wants her as his long term mistress... not just transactional sex

thats y i asked her if she can be a mistress

That is the car and house he will be staying when he is here

he will impreganate her in due time

cococandy: A gift is a gift right?
Tell him that you'll accept the gift but won't aid him cheat on his wife and watch his reaction.
Then you'll know if it was a guiless gift indeed.

How many men give cars just for sex?
I won't be surprised if he has bigger plans.
Like making you his second wife.
Accept the car and He'll get you an apartment next.
And he'll spend his next two-week business conference visit to Nigeria in the apartment with you.
You'll get pregnant and he'll want to come meet you're family.

And voila you'll be his Nigerian based wife.
He's even honest enough to state that he's married in the US.
Most of them don't.

OkikiOluwa1: I v put this thread in a simple way which touches what irresponsible fathers do in the family in Nigeria.
It touches both monogamous & polygamous homes. It doesn't condemn polygamy as some people are thinking.
Last Bullet
I don't need to write it boldly that this is not against polygamy.

Your write up was heartfelt n ok.. its the fact that its open to all forms of interpretations that's the issue

Orikinla: xx xx.

If you cant sight what is contradictory is those two statements, then the age induced dementia must be more serious than i thought

Famouspecky: he only say, he loves me an he present a BMW car just like that. I don't know what he really wanted.


he was kind back then in the State, Buh right now am confused

What if he wants you as a mistress.. will you be ok with that

Roseey0: Very possible. How much is a dokunbo car in Nig!

She says its a BMW so lets say at least 1m naira
So a guy will gift you that and you think he wants nothing in return...?

hmmmm

cococandy: The thing is whenever I make I post about my society,it is not always in negative comparison to any other society.
I'm more concerned about mine. Not necessarily saying that those other ones are better. Even when I point out what they have that we don't have,it's not about putting ours down. More about saying aloud what I think we need to improve on.
Even if a vice present in other societies is present in ours,it doesn't mean we should keep silent about ours because 'there are others too'

The point is not to justify a vise but to enlighten
A lot of posters here make conclusive and derogatory statements about nigerian men as if the whites r perfect
Here .. everyone condemns as if wjites dont r@pe or beat their spouses or gf and those who know better dont provide a sense of balance and good judgement

When one make a post about your society, make it with a consideration of other societies or else it will be prejudicial

Roseey0: If he didn't mk his intention known I would have said collect the car but he made it clear that he wants you so flee if you don't want him.

Do you think it is possible to gift a car without any intention

cococandy: How did I know you were gonna quote me

Unbridled. Uncontroled. Unlimited. Pick one.all it means to me is that in such a situation,the man in question abuses his position as the head of the house. Because he thinks he is free to do as he wishes.

Ok.. i wanted to get the correlation... is all
You are referring to abuse.. abuse is to be condemned

It may not be a direct reason for concubines but it contributes a whole lot.like the first example I gave on this thread. If the culture of the people here didn't allow the man to have as many wives as he can 'cater' for,he wouldn't have gone ahead to get a new wife and abandon his old family. To this day this young man I'm talking about HATES his father for that.
There are so many examples where being the head of his house makes a man get away with stuff that potentially damage his kids.

The culture allows polygny but does not absolve men of responsibility wither in a monogamous or polygamous household
These are personal issues
Deadbeat dads are not limited to country or race. Im sure you know of popular sports stars in the US whose fathers just appear when the child has made it

So lets not make it a bashing thing

Same standards?
Men and women aren't the same,yet both are equally needed to raise good kids.
So can we please stop making excuses for distant and emotionally unavailable fathers?
We do that a lot. If a dad can only has money to offer his kids,he's seen as having done all his duty to them.
But fathers who don't only offer money but alos offer fatherly guidance to their kids will tell you they reap DOUBLE benefits.
Some kids can't even talk to their dad or make requests from him except thru momma.
Some men don't know the intimate details of their kids everyday lives.
Is it any surprise children are closer to their moms?
We have become used to most dads not being as involved as moms and we are mostly fine with that.

So I think there should be guidelines and standards which the society hold men to just like it holds married women to.

My happiness is that some of young dads(from my personal research) have begun to recognize this and make amends.

I agree with this and i like the fact you recognise that things are changing
Some are still intent in just condemning

OkikiOluwa1: Firstly, my thread is not against polygamy but against irresponsible dads. If a man has 2 wives & he can cater for them, fine. The irresponsibility comes in when a man that can't cater for 1 family is having 2 or more.
I hope I v answered you.

Now you see it is not as one dimensional as your post made it
Some have even started condemning naija politicians as examples of irresponsible dads which i feel has no bearing to the topic
Some are condemning all males even unmarried ones, others are condemning men with more than one wife..

You should have defined your parameters and boundaries.