₦airaland Forum

englishmart:
Women cheat more than men, just that they are more surreptitious and coded
You know what it means to be wooed by at least 3guys daily? How many times can she turn all of them down?

We turn 'em all down... until baby boy screws up... we break up... and move on with one of the others who was always a potential.

PointZerom:
The moment you gave out the chicken it is no longer yours and the new owner (your neighbor) has every right to do whatever he wants with the chicken.


He may be a babalawo and has decided to sacrifice the animal to the gods.

Lmao! Are you okay?

How old is she?

Sooo adorable!

soberdrunk:
The devil you know....... I dont know why you women like to complicate issues, you had the man of your dreams and everything was going fine but you had to go and be Sherlock Holmes.......

I won't lie. I almost regret finding out. Ignorance really is bliss. But looking at the bigger picture, it's a good thing I know. I would have been marrying a rake.

I won't dare touch my hubby's phone when I get married. So much headaches already.

At what point should love stop to matter?

Sometime ago, I created a thread about how to go about my marriage prep... to have my dad receive my bride price or not?

That was because there was a man in the picture and we were soon to start effecting marriage plans.

But, I don't know. Everything's gone awry! I found out he had been cheating. I can't even describe to what extent. It's so debasing! Three-somes and all what not! My heart broke!

Looking at him outwardly, you'll never imagine him capable of such extremes...he's as calm as a dove... totally sweet, innocent-looking, caring. But the things I read in that phone! My heart bleeds. Yes, I went snooping, that's how I found out. At the end of the day, looking through your partner's phone without their knowledge, is quite expedient... not right, yes, but expedient. I would never have imagined him capable of all those things I read about.

The other day, we went to a friend's party and there was some girl who was dancing all over him. Turned out he secretly asked his friend to help him get her number... right under my nostrils. The disrespect!
I confronted him about everything and he owned up... pleaded with me not to tell the friends and family. I broke up with him.

Thing is, he's been apologising endlessly... and making serious promises to change. My better judgement says I must let him go... everytime I contemplate what he did, I just want to cry... the disregard... the shamefulness of his actions.

But I love him still...I don't even know if the way I love him is normal anymore. I'm looking for excuses to forgive him... to get back to how we used to be before all of these happened. But I keep having the nagging thought that he can't change, and if I forgive and take him back, he'll do it again in future... do even worse when we get married. And he's always going to expect that I'll forgive him.

Note that this isn't the first time he's cheating. The first time it happened, our relationship wasn't quite serious then, so I let it go. The second time he cheated, he had a very believable lie... and I bought it.

He's been calling and apologising endlessly. Sending me mails (blocked him on Whatsapp, couldn't block him on my other phone). My head says to break up for good... my heart wants him back and believe he'd never do it again. The thought of starting all over again... of bonding and loving someone else... I don't love easily... and this is one person who's made me happy for soo long... the man I was ready to spend the rest of my life with.

Lalasticlala, seun, pls...

Godsfavour78:
is this the type of man you are or the qualities you want in a woman? HP 4gb?

You cracked me up, man!

Asour:
Hahaha!

Are there really dumb personalities ? Or just people with whom you don't have shared interests.

It's funny how we Nigerians tend to reduce intelligence to being able to "hold conversations on International politics/economics".

What if that is not my Kettle of fish? I become dumb?
What if my interests are in Deep sea exploration or Big data analytics or even recent developments in cancer research ? Can you also have meaningful conversations on those?

Some see International politics/economics as pretentious conjectures, where everyone is an expert — while the subject discussed is completely outside the control of the discussants.

Ego might be what's at play sometimes.
It forces some of us to indulge in interests we don't really care about deeply.

It always seems nice being able to make "contributions" to public discussions on int'l politics but it shouldn't mean those who can't/don't are dumb.

Intelligence, while good, is not as effective as people imagine though. I would always prefer resourcefulness.


God help us.

Are you single? Can we get married already?

smeag0l:
Please, I just want to beg you in the name of God or whatever you serve, dont rush into this decision. Give it a whole lot of time and close watch. Like you know very well a lot of nigerians that go abroad overstay and have issue with papers and in a bid to get a permanent residency or even green card they marry a foreign woman on contract and then come home to marry the nigerian lady. Some of them Marry the nigerian lady keep her here and come home once a year to impregnate her while they keep their white wives abroad. Please before making your decision to marry him, let him arrange a visitor's visa for you to visit him there and see how he lives his life, what he does, if he stays alone, if he has a family there etc and after your introduction, let him arrange a permanent visa for you. Please do not make the mistake of getting pregnant for him till you get married and he takes you over there otherwise you may have just wasted your youth. I've given you my two cents from repetitive experiences.

Thank you for giving her such a heartfelt, candid advice. God bless you.

otosa:
see you, you have someone fighting for your future and you are are not appreciate. Firstly, is the offender committed the crime, Yes? The punishment most be served, secondly, I do not agree that the property should be taken by Federal Government because the said money belong to Abia state and it be returned to them. God bless Nigeria.

What kinda English is this?

Jewessgratitude:
Goe forbid. I reject at 50. I'll get married this 2019 in Jesus name.

But 2019 is over with regards to getting married... except you want to be a daredevil...meet someone today... marry the next day.

GoldenEstacy:
We can't continue this, if you're not free with me. We are not brothers and sisters. In a relationship that's barely 1 month.

That's one problem with some people. They just want everything to happen in one day. But things don't work that way. A relationship grows. Intimacy builds up with time... and naturally, you find that you can't do without each other... you want to share everything with them. It's really just a gradual process.

airminem:
Wait oo! Is it my clock time that is wroung or the time this post was created? 12.42 ke? mine time is 12.24 oo.

Your post was made at 12.26... your time was correct.

Coldie:
That I don't care.

I am not the kind of guy that likes calling people she didn't understand.

You can't be in a relationship and expect someone to understand that you don't like communicating. How then do you bond?
Just date yourself.

Ezeanna:
All these our Nairaland guys ehn, they can really vex somebody.

So, you guys know that a young woman choosing marriage is actually backpedaling or even sacrificing her career, because of the enormous work involved in raising children and nurturing a family; yet you use same mouth to ask what women bring to the table. If your wife travels for whatever reason for 1 month, leaving your 3 kids, all below 7 years, for you to take care of, can you handle the home front and still perform optimally at work during this period?

Many married men are successful in their respective careers because their spouses backpedaled on theirs. Yet, you won't see them opening threads to commend their wives, it is always one complaint or the other.

Our young women, please don't break your backs trying to raise families and at the same time rise to the peak of your careers. It is too big a task for one person, and even our men do not attempt it. Just try to blend the two paths however much you can; have a family that gives you joy when life gets tough, and have a job/business that helps you support your family.

Stop trying to prove anything to anybody. Be you, and do what works best for you.

Most thoughtful comment I've read all year! Thank you!

safarigirl:
We know she is his biggest threat, but what is the point of winning, if the competition is weak?

Burna Boy is the new age of African music, and possibly the youngest Nigerian act from Nigeria to get a nomination this century. He did it without being snuck into an international artiste's album or song. This is his original work and just being a Grammy nominee will boost his CV.

I doubt Angelique won it at her first go anyway

You're a darling through and through!

I've received so many candid suggestions on this matter. A lot of mature and thoughtful comments. Big thanks to the mods for moving to front page.

I'm immensely grateful to everyone who took out time to genuinely advise me, accordingly. I've done my cut and join with all the pieces of advice here.

I promise to come back and update y'all after all's been over and done with.

God bless!

abbey621:
Parents be careful how you train your children, be weary of what bad things you tell you r sons or daughters about your partner. A true psychologists can discern a bit of fib from her story:



So you mean an 8 year old child knew who was paying rent, school fees? An 8 year old child knew who put money down for the well being of the family or was this what she was told after the man left?

What OP fails to understand is that whether he did his duties or not, he's still your biological father and that is a God given role. Africa being a place where physical meets spiritual, I wouldn't be surprised if the man was suffering from serious depression mixed with gigantic spiritual battles. All in all, unless you truly forgive this man, you might not know peace. End the cycle now, do not let the sins of the father create the sins of the child.

Yes, I was told plenty. But fortunately, I heard from both sides. I heard my mum's side... I heard my father's. I always try to be objective and rational in whatever I do. My father had no justification. It didn't all make sense when I was a child... but things became clearer as I grew older.

Funny thing is, my mum never turned us against father. She was always accomodating. She sorely wished he had stayed even if he wouldn't foot the bills. When I first said I wanted to know my village and go find my dad, my mum was alive. She didn't stop me. Mum was everything ideal and sweet. She simply had sore luck with the man she married. But God knows best.

shineeye1:
Your father's sense of entitlement is quite offensive.
Your own feelings of resentment against him are justified.
If indeed your father is guilty, also remember that it is very human to err in life but there is divinity in forgiveness.
You have two options:
Sentence your father as judged or Forgive him his offenses. While the former will satisfy your sentiments of vengeance, and likewise ensure an equally graceless sentence for your own certain trespasses in life, the later will deny you of the satisfaction of vengeance but win you uncommon grace at your own certain judgments in life. The choice is yours. But remember that , he is your dad today, not because he deserves it but because God allowed it to be. Any decision to rob him of what God , in His infinite unsearchable mercies, preserved for him may mean you playing a different God. You may rearrange the location of the marriage rites as suit you but allow your father be father that God allowed him to be. That he is alive today is not by his merit but the grace of God. You may displease men in executing this divine option but you will surely not displease heaven..

This touched my Godly conscience. Thanks.

midnighter:
Excuse me, you are totally wrong.

If the uncle could pay all that stuff then he should do it with a clean heart and not because he wants recognition or a paltry bride price sum. So are you trying to tell me that he paid all those school fees so that he will collect London Gin and 30 tubers of yam at the end of it?

He is very irresponsible for advising a young lady who appreciates him so much and who would like to please him to embarrass herself in her husband's house so that he can score cheap points against his brother-in-law.

Why did he just remember to be angry at his sisters treatment now that somebody wants to marry? Why didn't he get angry all this while

That's emotional blackmail and its too bad. Your uncle who suffered so much to take care of you should want you to succeed in your husband's house and not to mess yourself up for his sake because of school fees.

Is she going to keep owing him for school fees for the rest of her life? Is it on credit or what?

If it's like that he should tell her to be refunding his money in monthly instalments and just leave her marriage out of it.

Please, my Uncle's intentions aren't borne out of anything selfish at all. He's been totally selfless all these years.

BEN1986:
My sister, as an Edo man, I want to advise you.
How much is the bride price? Less than 1k.
The issue here is not the amount but the importance of it.
In edo, even if u impregnate a lady back then in your SS 2, when the child grows up, she comes to do the needful as tradition demands.
It is not about your father taking responsibility or not. Give what is Caesar to Caesar and to God, God.
If your maternal uncle helped you as investment, I dont think you husband can even pay your yr1 school fees as ur bride price. So don't let him mislead you. Don't wake the spirits up.

Does it mean because I have been the one taking care of my househelp, school fees, healthcare and all her needs. If she eventually wants to marry I then collect the bride price? NO.
Whatever I do is for mankind.

You can bring him to city with either of his siblings for the wedding, be responsible for their upkeep throughout their stay.

If your maternal uncle wants appreciation for what he did, he can bring his demand to the table.

Dont use your marriage as a tool to spark of the quarrel between your paternal and maternal family.
Note, you are going to start your family, only God knows tomorrow.
May God help you.

Thank you so much.

midnighter:
Your father's side must collect something on your head but you can stylishly show your disdain for them in other ways without showing yourself up to your husband and his family.

But he or one of your paternal uncles must collect it. Any other thing is just storing embarrassment and insults for the future. And your MIL is watching the whole thing, sorry to bring her into it but it's true. The whole thing is a test, as in a very big one.

Don't allow your maternal family to use
You to settle scores. Your uncle has no right to collect what belongs to your father, it is an abomination and a curse. I have seen a similar case to yours...the man tried to bypass his father and ask his maternal uncle to accompany him to marry but that uncle refused and told him to go back to the father. Father who abandoned him when he was a baby!

Your uncle should know better than to collect somebody's due. If he really cared for you all these years then he shouldn't mess up at this late stage. Your husband doesn't need to be seeing or hearing that kind of suggestion. If he has a problem with your dad your uncle should confront him and not use you and your marriage as a cheap pawn.

This is not about whether he "deserves" the bride price or not. As far as he sired you and paid your mothers bride price, it is his right to collect your own.

As for the village, sorry but you have to go there and perform the rites. Even me my village looks like something from the stone age, still the two of us must go home. It's ancestral land and has some ancient meanings attached to it that are very important. At least you are a lady, you are only going there to say goodbye to them since your husband has come to take you away.

If you want you can make the village part as short as possible so you won't need to stay for long.

Sorry about your mum. May she witness your special day from the heavens.

Thanks a lot midnighter. Very valid points. But I won't marry in the village.

Bigdaddy234:
Get a marriage counselor, pray to God and have faith in him, that every evil plans of the devil concerning your Marital life, that God will destroy and annul their plans in the mighty name of Jesus.

Amen.

wolverine1987:
Please my sister make sure u resolve this issue before u think of saying I do atleast d traditional part. ur uncle can walk u down the aisle for the church wedding but traditionally it's not his place to collect bride price when u have a father... it may b unpalatable buh seek out ur father and give him d honour so as to fulfil all righteousness then after the traditional u may not even invite him for the white wedding if u like. Buh let ur maternal pple also participate during the traditional atleast an aunt can stand as ur mother cos they have their tole to perform.

Perfect arrangement! Thanks.

fineboynl:
no matter how irresponsible your dad his. whether he take responsibility or responsible for your grow up. you most understand that their is family bloodline and concept to issues like marriage. if you're a religious person you should know that Satan has a right and you can't temper or hold what belong to Satan and expect him not to react.

bride price is not for your father both the eiders in the family. he's only role is agreement and acceptance by collecting and handle to the village elders and your village witches.

without this you are only inviting your village witches and Satan into your marriage. as the road is open for them already so they will come in through your father disagreement or not acknowledgment to it.


its one of the reasons why children from broken homes always encountered broken homes. because the foundation and doors are always open for Satan the devil.

also why many spiritual cautions people will not want to marry from a broken home. it always have the open doors for Satan.

Haba nau. Witches and satan ke!

sassysure:
Don't start what u can't finish. Ur future husband is looking at you. Today is lovey dovey, there must be arguments and heated up moments, some words will start tumbling out from your spouse or his people's mouth. Don't create such an avenue pls.

Though we may retract and apologise, those words means a lot and that is how seed of discord is sown.

Unless some tribes do so, I have never seen where pride price is collected by mum's people even though they singlehandedly trained you.
Give to everybody what belongs to them even though u don't like them to avoid stories that touch. At least u are in good terms with him and sometimes give him money so what's the problem here? Ur uncle didn't advice you well.
He is indeed a very selfish one and has failed to tell you the truth which is, he is not the right one to collect your dowry.
He too has entitlement mentality. Thousands and millions have been trained by uncles and aunts or even strangers yet, the world did not end.
U can do it outside the village but make sure your father and his people are there. Sorry but that's how it is.

If your father is dead, his brothers and relatives will take over on behalf of your brothers if they are not adults yet. Don't ever give your future in-laws room for attack as nobody knows tomorrow.
Congrats as u journey into another chapter of your life.

Well, my uncle's position is not from the selfish angle.

He feels my dad doesn't mean well for us. And he explained that depending on the type of family I'm marrying into, they may want to oppress me in future because given my father's non-existent role in my life, I might as well be an orphan.

His offering to stand in as father is for the sake of solidarity... so the husband and in-laws realise that I have a solid family, too. Because in truth, without my maternal family, I'm as good as an orphan.

amp01:
I have been to your village once,
If anybody take your bride price outside your father, when he is alive,its an act of disrespect. No matter,what your father did, he is still your father. Did you change your surname all this while,he left you guys?

I didn't change my surname.

Tundeiknow:
Whoever receives the bride price doesn’t translate to the fact that they are significant importance to you.

Your dad remains your dad irrespective of whatever. Pls, give him that honor during this preparation phase.
Though they’ve been helpful, pls don’t let your maternal relatives use your marriage as a ground to settle scores with your dad. The only instruction we were given concerning our parents in the Bible is that we honor them. That without rational or emotional affiliation.
At the moment, your dad may be wishing he had done better while you were growing up. Pls, don’t compound his regrets.
And if need be that you take a stand irrespective of what anyone thinks, don’t shy away.
I pray God grants you wisdom on how best to handle both sides of the family.
I wish you the best.

Shalom

Thanks so much. But this man is truthfully not remorseful.

But for the sake of God, he'll have his bride price in a location other than the village.

Deepthoughts:
look if your father should revealed the secret reason why he never cared your mother n inevitably you n your siblings you will hate life,I dare you to challenge your father to reveal why he didn't care about your mum if he wants your respect at all!,see don't just try to fight tradition, know what you are getting into but I'm afraid you are playing with fire.

We've had that conversation severally. He's never had anything reasonable to say, in all honesty. His excuses have always been centred on claims that he went in search of greener pastures after he lost his job.

See ehn... we can't even go into all that now.

Ishilove:
Aunty, your father is a sperm donor. He cannot reap where he didn't sow.

As Yondu told Star Lord- "He may be your father, but he sure ain't your daddy"

You don't have to go to the village. You can do your wedding anywhere in the world because states are mere geographical expressions. It is the people that make up the village, not vice versa.

It is good that you didn't abandon your father in his old age, and you have honoured him by seeking him out and making your peace with him as the scriptures commanded, but he is NOT entitled to any kind of special treatment or recognition because he gave up the right the day he turned his back on you and your family and passed his responsibilities to other people. Those other people are the ones who should be honoured on your special day.

This gives me so much confidence on what I wish to do. Thanks so much, Ishilove.