₦airaland Forum

second pic is a mans brain LOL

,,

Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the US from China.
They decided to become American Citizens, and
"Americanize" their names.

Bu - called himself "Buck"
Chu called himself "Chuck"
and Fu had to go back to China

Why did the Chicken cross the road?

LA Police Department: Give us five minutes with
the chicken and we'll find out!

Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or
did the road move under the chicken?

Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no
chicken has gone before.

Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent,
hardworking American.

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of
rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping
50 tons of nerve gas on the chicken.

Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that
chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying
sexual insecurity.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken
crossed the road. Someone told us that the
chicken had crossed the road and that was good
enough for us.

Bill Clinton: Because in a lapse of judgement
I mislead the chicken. However Kenneth Starr's
report on the matter was uncalled for.

Colonel Sanders: Did I miss one?

Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the
road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the
road. I don't know any chickens. I have never
known any chickens.

Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where
all chickens will be free to cross roads without
having their motives called into question.

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross
the road.

Ronald Reagan: What chicken?

Bill Gates: I have just released Chicken Coop
2000, which will not only cross roads, but will
lay eggs, file your important documents, and
balance your checkbook, and Explorer is an
inextricable part of the operating system.

Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I
mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What
the heck was this chicken doing walking around all
over the place, anyway?

Oliver Stone: The question is not, Why did the
chicken cross the road? Rather, it is, Who was
crossing the road at the same time, whom we
overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken
crossing?

JFK: Ask not what your road can do for your
chicken - ask what your chicken do for your road!

Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have
been naturally selected in such a way that they
are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed
the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the
road justifies whatever motive there was.

Buddha: Asking this question denies your own
chicken nature.

Moses: And God came down from the Heavens, and He
said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the
road". And the chicken crossed the road, and
there was much rejoicing.

Hamlet: To cross or not to cross, that is the
question!

Kindergarten teacher: To get to the other side!

*Shentz*:
ah ah waa happened??

the cow and the sheep are at the door cos they cant stand the lawer. hope u grab?

A lawyer and 2 doctors have a car wreck in the
country and walk to a farmers house where one
doc stays in a barn and the lawyer and second
doc stay in the house.

In the middle of the night the doc is banging
on the door and he says to the farmer, 'I can't
stay in there, I hate sheep.' so the other doc
goes to the barn to sleep.

Later in the night the other doc is at the door
and he says, 'I hate cows', so the lawyer goes
to the barn to sleep.

In the middle of the night there's a bang on the
door and when the farmer answers it, the cow and
sheep are at the door

Old Glory:
Robby

Double Decker Bus in Baltimore? Or the UK? I am a bit confused.

@old glory
i guess u didnt read the entire post. it says east ham to hackeny and they are both in london.

Hotstepper:
i guess it should be in da UK

u are rigth. its in london.

Why does a blonde smile at lightning?

She thinks she's getting her picture taken.

--------------------------------------------------
Q. How do you teach a blonde math?

A. Subtract her clothes, divide her
legs and square root her.




------------------------------------------------------------
fortune 500 company opened a brand new sales
territory deep in the heart of China. This area
was so remote that few foreigners had ever been
there before. The company decided to send it's
best salespeople there one at a time, for one
month each. The idea being to aquaint them with
the people and customs of the region.

Well, the first salesman spent a month there and
then it was another salesman's turn. The two of
them meet at a remote train station as the first
is leaving and the second is on his way in. "Man
it was great" says the first, "the scenery is
beautiful, the people are friendly and everything
is so cheap."

Then the first salesman cracks a devious smile,
"and I've got a special surprise for you. Go into
any resturaunt and order the extra special
egg-roll, hold the hotsauce. Got that?" "Extra
special egg-roll hold the hotsauce " the second
salesman replies. "Right" says the first "you're
going to love it!" And with that the two part
company.

Well the first night there the new salesman
remembers the advice, goes to a resturaunt
and orders the extra special egg-roll, hold the
hotsauce. "Extra special egg-roll hold the
hotsauce, one dollar" Says the waiter. The man
gives the waiter a dollar.

"You now in strange exotic land , " says
the waiter, "where many words have special and
hidden meanings" and he points to curtain leading
to a hidden room. The salesman walks through the
curtain and behind it is the most beautful, dark
haired oriental girl he has ever seen. She is
totally naked and the salesman has a hard-on
inside of five seconds. Without saying a word
she drops to her knees, undoes his pants and
gives him the most incredible Mouth Gig of his
entire life.

The salesman cannot beleive his good fortune.
After all he has many, many dollars and a whole
month to spend them. Each night he goes from
resturaunt to resturaunt and it's always the same.
Extra special egg-roll hold the hotsauce, you are
now in strange exotic land where many words have
special and hidden meanings, incredible naked
girl, unbeleivable Mouth Gig.

On his last day there, on the way to the train
station he figures he just has to do it one more
time. This time, however, he's running late and a
big hurry. "Give me the extra special egg-roll",
in his haste he neglects to say hold the hotsauce
"here's the dollar." "You now in strange exotic
land , " the salesman interupts "yeah, yeah, yeah
where many words have special and hidden meanings,
blah, blah, blah." And off he goes to the back
room.

He can't beleive his good fortune, this girl is
even more ravishing than any of the others.
"What a way to go out" he thinks as he hurridly
un-buckles his pants. She's on him in a second,
it's feeling fantastic, until ,

She chomps down with all her might on his pecker.
"OH MY GOD , " he screams in agony "why the hell
did you BITE me?" He lays writhing on the floor
in pain, blood gushing from his nearly severed
member.

"You now in strange exotic land , " says the
girl, wiping the blood from her mouth, "where
many words have special and hidden meanings."
She smiles a wry little smile. "You forget to say
hold the hotsauce , "

"Extra special egg-roll WITH hotsauce have little
bite to it."

--------------------------------------------
Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.

------------------------------------------------------

I went into MacDonalds yesterday and said "I'd
like some fries"

The girl at the counter said "Would you like
some fries with that"



------------------------------------------------------------------

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Woman: Unfertilized, go away!




------------------

A 50 year old man walks into a store and asks the
pretty girl behind the counter where the condoms
are. "What size are you?" she asks.

The man replies "I don't know". So, she unzips
his pants and whips out his dick and says
"Ooooh, extra large condoms, Aisle 3"

A 30  year old walks in and asks the same thing.
She unzips his pants whips it out and says "Large
condoms - Aisle 3"

A 14 year old is standing outside and sees all
this "I wonder if I go in there and ask if she'll
do the same for me?"

So, he goes in and asks, She unzips his pants,
whips it out and shouts "Clean-up to the Counter
please!"

Another one was in a bus. ealier that day i had gone out with my uncle and we boarded a bus so i decided to move about much later in the day.
when i went out, i saw a bus with thesame number as the one we boarded earlier but this time it was a double-decker bus. I was still fascinated by the double-decker thing then and i assumed they were all thesame so i boarded that bus and besides i just wanted to stay on the bus till it brings me back to where i boarded it.
to cut a long story short, i was busy sigth seeing. by the time i knew it we were at the last bus stop and we were only two left on the bus. i and a woman. when i asked her where i was , she said HACKNEY. and i was cumming from east ham

lol. i've had a lot of funny and embarassing experience. here a re the ones i can remember @ the moment.

first was when on the plane when i was coming back from the U.S last december. after we had landed at lagos, i opened the upper compartment to get my hand luggage and immidiately i opened it, someones hand luggage (a smallish metallic suitcase) fell out and landed on the old womand head in front of me.
The woman (probably in her late 50's) shouted a very loud JEEEEEEEEEEEEESUS!!! and evryone looked in my direction. the woman started raining abuses on me and cursing me in yoruba. and she wouldnt take my plea's of sorry or even listen to he daughter who was pleading on my behalf. in fact it got her more worked up. in the heat of all this, the fool that had the box came and snached it from my hand and walked away.

Another one was when i was in london . iwent in summer and my uncle i was staying with had a very thigth schedule so i had to learn how to move around. i found my way to the london eye that day and when i was coming back, i didnt know how i managed to fall asleep. the train had to terminate at a station and transfer its passengers so when everyone had left, i was the only one left on the train, STILL SLEEPING. it took the intervention of some officials who came and woke me up. i was so embarassed.

another one was on the train again. this time i was with my younger sister. We had just boarded the train then the train jerked forword. I wasnt yet prepared for the jerk and it happened so suddenly that i landed on by bum-bum. To make matters wordt, my younger sister started laughing at me. I felt like slapping her that day.
I will keep you guys posted when i remember more.

Now i can remeber posting this same joke. This is re-cycled. Try to check previous jokes b/4 posting new ones

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she
had not had a date, nor any sex, in quite
sometime. She was afraid she might have something
wrong with her so she decided to employ the
medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her MD
recommended a Dr. Chang.

She went to see Dr. Chang and, upon entering the
examination room, he said, "Ok, take off all your
crose" "Now, get down and crawl reery fass to the
other side of room." She does. Dr. Chang then
said, "Ok now crawl reery fass to me." So she did.

Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your
probrem vewy bad, you haf Zachary Disease, worse
case I ever see, that why you not haf sex or
dates."

Confused, the woman said, "What is Zachary
Disease?"

Dr. Chang replied, "It when your face rook
Zachary rike your ass."

Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to the local police station, where they saw pictures of the 10 Most Wanted men tacked to a bulletin board.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

“Yes,” said the policeman. “The detectives want him very badly.”

So Little Johnny asked, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”
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Have you all heard of the new test thay will replace the breathalyzer test?
Well the test is that anyone suspected to be drunk and driving will be made to juggle a set of four sharp knives
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Toughest Final Exam

Instructions
Read each question carefully. Answer all questions. Time limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.

History
Descrive the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially but not exclusively, on it social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.

Medicine
You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.

Public Speaking
2500 riot-crazed aboriginies are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

Biology
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if the form of life had developed 50 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.

Music
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

Psychology
Based on your knowledge of their works evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodites, Ramses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man’s work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

Sociology
Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

Engineering
The dissassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

Economics
Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas. Cubism, the Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in you answer to the last question.

Political Science
There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on it socio-political effects if any.

Epistemology
Take a postion for or against truth. Prove the validity of your postion.

Physics
Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

Astronomy
Define the universe. Give three examples.

General Knowledge
Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive, blonde, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!”

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An old man and a young man worked in office next to each other. The young man had noticed that the older man always seemed to have a jar of peanuts on his desk. The young man loved peanuts.

One day while the older man was away from his desk the young man couldn’t resist and went to the old man’s jar and ate over half the peanuts.

When the old man returned the young man felt guilty and confessed to taking the peanuts.

The old man responded “That’s ok since I lost my teeth all I can do is lick the chocolate off the M&Ms.”
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'ope y'all enjoyed them. more on the way

There was this bachelor who wanted to wanted buy a condom. In order not to be seen by people that know him, he went three streets from where he lives.
he finds a chemist shop and a little boy there. so he tells the boy to give him a packet of condom.
as he was waiting for the stuff, his pastor who lives on that street came to buy a drug in the same chemist. (did i forget to say that the man is known to be a born again christain? )
So as the pastor stepped in, he exchanged formalities with this bachelor while the was contemplating about what to do with the about his order.
then the sales boy brougth the condom and handed over to the man and he jumped back as if in suprise and said:
"Lord have mercy. is tjis what i told u to bring, this boy?. cant u listen well?
i said COMBANTRIN!! COMBANTRIN!!!!"

this is a funny joke but i remember posting it sometime ago. you only recycled it with ur "ijebu ode" and a "girl" please try to check other jokes (if u are a new member) so as not to reapeat a joke again. hope u understand that i am not just hitting on you.

nna, whatu didi thisi pipulu say thatu we didi to themu? if they take sharia to national levulu, where willi we christainsi go?

@ mekusoil
looooooool that was very funny.

more

wanna see some more pics?

hi y'all

actually, i am thinking of rhoda's location

(1)
A lazy teacher went to her class to teach one day and the following dialogue ensued b/w she and her students.

Teacher: Class do u know what we have today?
Class: No ma.
Teacher: oh. well there is no need to teach you what u wouldnt know.

NEXT DAY

Teacher:do u know what we have 2day
Class: yes ma
Teacher: there is no need teaching it. because u already know it.

THIRD DAY
Teacher: do u know what we have today class?
Class: (every one answers at thesame time) yes, no, yes, no, ,
Teacher: ok let those who know teach those who dont know.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(2)
An old woman boarded a bus en-route to lagos. when she got in, she told the driver and conductor to tell her when the reached benin.
So as they kept travelling, she kept reminding them to tell her when they get there, that they shld pls not forget it. she did these for more than five times b/4 she slept
Unfortunately, when they got to benin, she was still asleep and the driver and conductor had totally forgotten about her warnings.
They only remembered it when they were approaching abeokuta so they stopped and were contempleting what to do. Luckily the old woman was still asleep, so they decided they will go back to benin and then wake her up there. when they got to benin, they woke her up and told her they were in benin. that she can come down now.
"come down ke?" she said "abeg na here wey my son tlak say make i take my drug oh!!. i dey stop for lagos"

eiyaaaa. nobody shouted out to me. ok oh. i want to shout out to
zhamkaya
rhodalyn
babymine
z4m4eva
bolex
maki
etc

erer

u wanna see some more pics?
ok. wait a second

see these funny pics. like the, ask 4 more

couldnt get to post this jokes. check them out.


(1)
Three women were about to be executed. One was a
brunette, one a redhead, and the other a blonde.

The guard brought the first woman, the brunette,
forward and the executioner asked if she had any
last requests. She said no and the executioner
shouted, Ready, Aim, !! and suddenly the
brunette yelled, "Earthquake!"

Everyone was startled and looked around. She
escaped. So they brought up the redhead and asked
if she had any last requests. She said no, and the
executioner shouted, Ready, Aim, !! and
suddenly the redhead yelled, "Tornado!"

Everyone was startled and looked around. She
escaped. Well, by now, the blonde had it all
figured out. They brought her forward and the
executioner asked if she had any last requests.
She said no and the executioner shouted,
Ready, Aim, !! and the blonde yelled,"Fire!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(2)
A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices
a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he
notices the dog is back again.

He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has
a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note,
and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of
lamb, please."

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's
mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher
takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a
bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.

The butcher is very impressed, and since it's
closing time, he decides to close up shop and
follow the dog. So, off he goes.

The dog is walking down the street and comes to a
crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and
presses the crossing button. Then he waits
patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change.
They do, and he walks across the road, with the
butcher following.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts
looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe
at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and
sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.

Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of
the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his
seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and
looks at the number, notices it's the right bus,
and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed,
follows him onto the bus.

The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs.
Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of
the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes
the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off,
groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher
still following.

They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a
house. He walks up the path, and drops the
groceries on the step. Then he walks back down
the path, takes a big run, and throws himself
-whap!- against the door. He goes back down the
path, takes another run, and throws himself
-whap!- against the door again! There's no answer
at the door, so the dog goes back down the path,
jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the
perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and
bangs his head against it several times. He walks
back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door.

The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door,
and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at
him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the
heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He
could be on TV, for God's sake!" To which the guy
responds, "Clever, my eye. This is the second
time this week he's forgotten his key!"
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(3)
At a local college dance, a guy from America asked
the girl from Sweden to dance.

While they were dancing, he gives her a little
squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this
a hug". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it
a hug too."

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek,
and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss
too."

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks
later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and
proceeds to have sex with her, and says,
"In America, we call this a grass sandwich".
She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass
sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(4)
Q. If your dog is barking at the back door and
your wife is yelling at the front door, who do
you let in first?

A. The dog of course, at least he'll shut up
after you let him in.
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(5)


A serviceman was shot down in the desert and
captured by the enemy. They took him to the local
shah who said 'I will set you free if you can
accomplish three things.

See those three tents? There is a sumo wrestler
in the first tent. If you can defeat him, you
can go on to the second tent. In the second tent,
there is an elephant with an impacted wisdom
tooth. Solve his problem and you can go on to the
third tent. In the third tent, there is a
nymphomaniac. If you can satisfy her, then I
will set you free.'

The serviceman went into the first tent with the
sumo wrestler. There were a lot of grunts and
yelling. The tent was flapping in and out.
Finally, the serviceman emerged, totally beaten
up, dirty and bloody, but victorious.

He was taken to the second tent with the elephant
inside. Again, there were grunts and squeals and
screams, with the tent sides flapping in and out.
Finally, the serviceman emerged, even dirtier and
bloodier, but victorious.

'Okay, now where's that lady with the impacted
tooth?' he said.
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(6)

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens
to be her husband's best friend. They make love
for hours, and afterwards, while they're just
laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the
woman's house, she picks up the receiver.

Her lover looks over at her and listens, only
hearing her side of the conversation, (She is
speaking in a cheery voice)

"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called.
Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you.
That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks,
"Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me
all about the wonderful time he's having on his
fishing trip with you."

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hope you enjoyed them. ask for more if u want.

@kajad, its probably T.R.E.M or christs embassy

For christ sake who is this guy that has been posting dry jokes all the while?
i thougth this last one will be different but its completely useless. Check out jokes under my name and you will see the meaning of the word "funny". if u dont have funny jokes you better stop posting and keep reading the ones you see here.its not a rule that you must post. well, seems you are new here. Let me just give you a benefit of doubt.

Why did i decide to  open this thread
Why am i posting a reply on this thread
Why is everyone on this thread so jobless
why do i feel like answering some questions on this thread
why is my middle finger trying to react to all this?

i have a lot of phobia(s) including claustrophobia (i cant wake up from my sleep if my legs are crossed or if i am entangled in the sheets), i also hate snakes with all my heart but these are not my worst. my worst phobia is , beign insulted by a girl. seriously