₦airaland Forum

twoondei:
But theres a history!

However, it's only fair to hear both sides of a story before you judge.

Nah! This kind case them no dey listen to both sides except we are supposed to believe the girls r*ped the dude.make the man just thank God say my pikin no dey among, I for cut e prick give am chop #bastard

narrator
the following day daniel and lea get off the train and wait for spectre to pick'em up?
sam mendes
yep At this level i guess you should just along with what you see folks
narrator
shortly after, a rolls royce pulls up in front of them
lea seydoux
Hey what's that?
daniel craig
That's a rolls royce
lea seydoux
*rolling eyes* i mean why is he here?
rolls royce driver
Ahem! May i kidnap you please?
daniel craig
Well since you asked nicely(hops into the car)
narrator
daniel and lea are driven to a set location from quantum of solace but the hotel dunais is swapped for a fake looking villain base built in a crater
christoph waltz
Hello daniel welcome to my hideout
daniel craig
Hide out? You know a drone can totally scope you guys from the sky right?
christoph waltz
Shut up!
daniel craig
And with all the power you consume, the electric companies are bound to get curious
christoph waltz
Didn't i say shut up?
daniel craig
And of course a rolls royce totally brought us here......... I mean people are bound to get curious about a rolls royce coming in and outta a cave in tangiers
christoph waltz
*scowls*
daniel craig
So lea and i aren't dead yet, i suppose it's because you wanna unveil your evil plans yes?
christoph waltz
yes I fed you and housed you and clothed you so I can pointlessy torture you, but before that, I shall unveil my evil plan just incase you escape and begin to wonder how to defeat me.................. Now my evil plan is to install a sh*t load of cameras to spy on Everyone so we can see what you are doing at all time muahahahahahahaha!
daniel craig
That's it? And what happened to "we have people everywhere" in quantum of solace?
christoph waltz
Well what more can a well connected and powerful shadow criminal organization need than MORE INFORMATION muahahahahahaha
By the way all the bad guys in your movies work for me
daniel craig
What?
christoph waltz
I mean all the sh*t that happened to you by chance like ola rapaace carting away with that NATO NOC file or eva green commiting suicide out of guilt and mathieu almaric sending bolivian cops after giancarlo and drowning gemma arteton in crude oil were all my orders to hurt you
daniel craig
What? Even javier bardem? Cause that looked pretty personal to me
christoph waltz
It was all me daniel
daniel craig
Including the part about a riccocheted bullet killing judi dench by chance?
christoph waltz
Yes that was me too

daniel craig
Hmmm what else did you plan?
katrina? 2007 economic recession? Price of oil?
christoph waltz
yea even judgement day that's my call too I did all just to mess with you
daniel craig
Hmmm you know what's funny? Why didn't you just stop me from foiling mathieu's plan of overtaking the whole of south-america Or stop me from foiling the skyfleet stock short in casino royale? At least that would have gotten you some ROIs rather than your fruitless "hurt daniel" missions mr christoph lamez

christoph waltz
hey F*ck you man i'm blofeld tada!
audience
Tada? It's a movie called spectre who else runs spectre?
christoph waltz
Now I shall prolong this fruitless scene by leaving my current tasking project to spite you........em hey lea did you know daniel was there when your father died? Here watch their video
lea seydoux
Honey you're such a badass you didn't even flinch when jesper spilled his brains like pedigree from a can
christoph waltz
O_o ok, now I shall show daniel a live footage of ralph fiennes being retrenched muahahahahahah!
daniel craig
Oh dear
christoph waltz
Yea....... pretty evil right?
daniel craig
No! I was just thinking may be i should have handed the ring over to ben whishaw when i returned from mexico and avoid all these really really boring plot
Hollywood
Common sense is forbidden in hollywood movies (Knocks out daniel)
narrator
next daniel is strapped to a chair with clothes on this time so daniel is a lil relaxed
daniel craig
Wow I had this bad dream that I was in a bond movie with the most boring blofeld depiction ever..........oh no it's not a dream.......... christoph what are you doing?
christoph waltz
being evil
daniel craig
thought so....... Hey why am i tied to a chair? What do you wanna do to me? And why is lea walking around freely and unattended? For f*ck sake she should be tied down too #GenderEquality b*tches c'mon
christoph waltz
Hey lea did you know that Daniel and i are brothers? my father was made daniels guardian when daniel lost his parents
daniel craig
Really? what happened to albert finney? I thought he brought me up according to skyfall?
christoph waltz
Ahem! Trying to tell a forced story here don't interrupt so........... i was jealous of daniel so i killed my father ,faked my death and started a criminal empire
audience
Hey austin powers called he said STOP STEALING HIS SH*T!!!
lea seydoux
So you became a megalomaniac become of an unwanted house guest? And how old were you back then? you look more like daniels grand father than his older brother
christoph waltz
smarta*ss...........Ok let's lobotomize daniel
lea seydoux
Ouch! Why?
christoph waltz
Because I'm evil muahahahahah?!
lea seydoux
Seriously why?
christoph waltz
Because i'm trying to forget that i was in this movie, so i wanna try it on daniel first
daniel craig
Aint working
christoph waltz
Really? sh*t ur.......er......um ok I'm all outta evil things to do why are the cameras still rolling?
daniel craig
Lea let's blow up this facility and escape take my watch and.........
lea seydoux
Nah that ain't powerful enough I've got a bigger bomb shell..........DANIEL I LOVE YOU
daniel craig
What?
christoph waltz
What?
audience
What?
spectre operatives
What?
eon productions staff
What?
spectre facility
What? Oh I mean BOOM!!!
To be continued.....

suarez come see ya wife for ere o

narrator
daniel goes in search of jespers mysterious daughter who works in a clinic at the top of a snowy mountain because
daniel craig
Hmmm jespers daughter just happens to be really sexy and of bond girl age yumm!
lea seydoux
Pardon me
daniel craig
I let your father commit suicide while I watched like a creep now he wants me to find some dude called le merican......... And oh I almost forgot he wants me to protect you too
lea seydoux
O_o so you paid all that money and filled all these forms and wasted all that time to fix an appointment just to tell me this? What if you were assigned to another doctor did you think about that? Now leave my office anyway
daniel craig
Leave your office? I'm an assassin who practically killed your father for being a jerk to me and that's the best you can do? What's with this movie and terrible acting? Ugh i need a drink
bar tender
Crushed brocolli juice with a twist of cucumber and pickles shaken not stirred sir?
daniel craig
What da f*ck dude? I'll rather suck my own d*ck thank you
ben whishaw
Hey daniel i've come to take you home
daniel craig
Not scared of flying anymore
ben whishaw
Oh right! let's hope the audience don't remember that
daniel craig
Hey take this ring and have it analyzed. ben whishaw
And what exactly will i be looking for?
daniel craig
Hopefully a weak plot device that forcefully ties up all my previous bond entries
dave batuista
Pardon me nothing to see here just kidnapping a doctor in broad daylight in the full glare of everyone because..........irrational dude remember? Hey wait! Where did i get a range rover on a hitman salary?
daniel craig
Oh sh*t(chases after them)
audience
Oh yea i bet we will see some cool snow skiing stunts since you were raised by a skii instructor and i bet you'll like to pay homage to on her majestys secret service
daniel craig
F*ck that sh*t i've got a better plan.......*in epic voice* this is a job for BRITISH WALEED ALSHERI-MAN
narrator
daniel steals a plane and using his years of training as a professional assassin he goes all 9/11 on the whole of austria probably killing a few innocent austrian residents while at it
dave batuista
Hey lea you like my sawn off handgun I bet it's turning you on right? just look at it penetrate through daniels aircraft without killing him
lea seydoux
*scowls*
dave batuista
Ok someone roofie the f*ck outta her I bet that should turn her on
spectre operative
I'm on it (loads syringe full of roofies in front of lea like that's a good idea)
lea seydoux
Hey look over there angels of death from on her majestys secret service
spectre operative
Really? Where? I heard those chicks were hot
(Gets roofied by lea) oh you b*tch erk!(Passes out)
dave batuista
Damn it what exactly turns you on for christ sake car crashes?
daniel craig
I heard that!..............Wait a minute i should also take into consideration that lea is in one of the suvs and she may get hurt......nah she will be fine(crashes the f*ck outta the plane)
ben whishaw
Er why are scary dudes looking at me weird in this cable car which i'm also not afraid of by the way? I'm not that kind of homo man
scary as f*ck dudes
We are here to kill you by staring you to death
audience
I bet ben whishaw has some kickass gadget to display and kill off scary as f*ck dudes with, then perhaps he will make some quip to spice things up
ben whishaw
(Runs away like a b*tch)
audience
Any point to that scene?
narrator
meanwhile bond is done crashing into the evil suvs and lea crawls outta the wreckage without a scratch but she is unconvincingly in shock
daniel craig
Come with me if you want to live
lea seydoux
Seriously we are stealing from the terminator?
daniel craig
Nah actually i was going for bourne identity but *shrugs* hey,whatever works............ so........*smacks* unto tangiers?
lea seydoux
Unto tangiers
dave batuista
I heard that
narrator
daniel and lea meet with ben at some hotel in austria
daniel craig
Ok seriously i just killed a ton of dudes and destroyed a plane yet no cop is after me?
austrian government
Yes because according to movies the only thing austrians are good at is tosca and even more tosca isn't that right rogue nation?
Rogue nation
F*ck YEA!!
ben whishaw
So this ring connects all the bad guys from previous craig movies
daniel craig
And how is that possible? Never saw a ring on mads mikkelsen or mathieu almaric or javier bardems fingers
and isn't it a little convenient that they are the only ones who have worn the ring? And how have their DNA not wiped off the ring when alessandro washed his hands of wiped the ring? and knowing me and my habit of foiling every one of their plans,Why didn't spectre ever try to kill me?
ben whishaw
Dude this movie is connected to the others movies now piss off
narrator
daniel and lea journey off to tangiers in search of le merican
lea seydoux
By the way le merican is a hotel not a person what a mystery right?
audience
Zzzzzzzzz *snaps* God will this movie ever end?
daniel craig
Ha it's a good thing this place is still intact despite being abandoned for years oh look a dusty old bottle of scotch my favourite (guzzles it down) hey lea you wanna play hide the pickle with a me
lea seydoux
Hell No! That's f*cked up man you are old enough to be my uncle
daniel craig
*evil smile* oh we'll see about that....... hey look a wall made of paper marche(smashes through the wall like hulk) there's a 'writing on the wall'
sam smith
Ugh!

lea seydoux
Hmmm a convenient list of spectre members ,*shrugs* I guess jesper was writing names of noise makers that day or something
narrator
next daniel and lea board a train to nowhere because sam mendes has a serious b*ner for trains
daniel craig
Hey i wanna give you the "death talk" have you killed a man before?
lea seydoux
Don't worry i've seen quantum of solace already take a deep breath, make it count........ But i don't like guns i prefer being rescued by a MAN and besides spectre didn't kill my dad so everything is cool
daniel craig
Okay let's do a mr and mrs smith cohabitation gag to amuse the audience
audience
Zzzzzzz *snaps* Please..........make it stop
narrator
next we see daniel and lea are[s]strategizing on how to attack spectre or gathering intel to forward to MI6[/s] having a romantic dinner because spies gotta eat right? And oh daniel is in a classy dinner suit because why not?
daniel craig
O_o you know I could equally have dinner in my pajamas right? It's dinner in a f*cking train
sam mendes
I'm sorry I just remembered that I forgot to insert a tuxedo scene so I had to force one in here just like I did in skyfall
narrator
lea shows up in a f*ck me dinner dress
daniel craig
holy sh*t!!!(springs a lick)
lea seydoux
You know how i said we aren't gonna have sex? Well i've decided to look sexy and hope you don't get drunk and force yourself on me afterwards
daniel craig
Any reason why you are also giving me f*ck me eyes and having the whole "walk away from this spy business talk" from casino royale? Oh sh*t don't tell me I'm gonna quit the spy game for you, c'mon I was hoping to swim in the pants penelope cruz and emily blunt before retirement damn it!
dave batuista
hi!
daniel craig
WTF dude? How did you find us? And where is your ridiculous shotgun/handgun?
dave batuista
Well i(searches pockets) oh sh*t i had it on me a few minutes ago i swear.........good grief! did i just drop on you guys without a gun?
daniel craig
lucky me I happen to have a gun
dave batuista
haha this n*gger brought a hooker gun to a dave batuista fight(redecorates the train using daniel as a wrecking ball)*singing* I came in like a wrecking ball
audience
Oh this should be nice two gritty and highly skilled assassins fist fighting
narrator
dave and daniel embarrass bond fans by recreating richard kiel and roger moore's train fight scene from "the spy who loved me"
audience
*shake their heads in disappointment*
lea seydoux
hey can i help?
dave batuista
keep ya girlfriend outta this(b*tch slaps lea into a mini-coma) now back to mopping the floor with daniels a*ss
daniel craig
(Running like a b*tch) HELP!!!
dave batuista
Come back here b*tch i ma beat you till candy come out you hear me? I ma beat you like a pinanta
daniel craig
What da? Why are there never anyone around in these action scenes? are we the only ones on the train? Ugh!
lea seydoux
I'll save you my love(fires yakubu shots). whoops! Babe you wanna save me now?
daniel craig
Gotcha (Puts a rope around daves neck and attaches its hook to a gas canister , yep its as confusing as it sounds)
dave batuista
now I'm really wishing I brought a gun onboard, anyway it's been fun see ya in GOTG 2(disappears like mary poppins)
lea seydoux
So daniel......what do we do?
daniel craig
Well we haven't had dinner, we've destroyed this here train and we just killed a high ranking spectre member which may unleash the wrath of the other assassins on our a*sses plus thanks to batuista i will be needing a billion stitches and we are both writhing in pain, So obviously our best course of action is to have sex
lea seydoux
*smitten* awww! nothing turns me on more than an alchoholic wimp who encouraged my dad to commit suicide
(They have sex)

To be continued....

my frnd kneel down there instead make u build haus for them u dey buy them bag of rice and carton of biscuit make I catch you next time dey sing song say you get money

mrmagoo:
As for spectre's so called resurrection I guess you missed the part where blofeld confirmed that quantum is part of spectre

Answer me one question, where does spectre fit in a post cold war world? For Godsake they were so forced that they didn't even have a decent evil plot and failed to be menacing plus quantum

and spectre are two entirely different organizations with different mode of operations that do entirely different things so how can quantum be part of spectre it may have even the a bit manageable if spectre was the muscle wing for quantum

mrmagoo:
Bonds character development wasn't thrown away he was still the same emotional and imperfect person from casino royale that will explain him falling in love again and why he accidentally destroyed that hotel in mexico nothing about him changed

Oh really? Bond has gone from the cold calculated assassin who trusts no one and doesn't fall in love cheaply to a wise cracking wreckless guy who willingly walks into a trap 3 good times and f*cks anyone just for the sake of f*cking yet you didn't notice this? I see

mrmagoo:
And what if the themes were recycled from skyfall that was meaningless

The theme is how you tell a movie Apart from the other, it's laziness when you just re-use old stuff and frankly themes and scores are the bread and butter of the bond franchise
how could you possibly be okay when you eagerly await the new scores only to hear the old one? even mission impossibles cue theme is edited with each new movie

mrmagoo:
Donald pleasance blofeld showed in only one scene and he was able to make him the most iconic villain on earth, so how does blofeld showing in three scenes affect the movie especially when he was played brilliantly

Donald pleasance could get away with appearing at the end because it was a reveal that fans awaited for years and he didn't have much work to do but christoph waltz was bond's brother, who died and came back to life and is the suprise head of an agency bond has been tracking for the past ten years be honest is three scenes enough for all that?

mrmagoo:
It didn't seemed forced to me quantum is part of spectre so blofeld is bound to monitor bond and his journey so far and not kill him because of his relationship with him it seems logical to me

keep in mind that bond met lechiffre, green and silva by accident so suggesting blofeld has a hand in their meeting and outcome
Is just plain silly

mrmagoo:
And who said james bond is retiring just because this may be daniel craigs last bond movie doesn't mean bond is literally retiring

00 section has been cancelled,he didn't report back to M at the end, Q said it to him at the end even sam smith hinted it in his song from the tone of the movie did it look like bond was getting ready for another mission after this one?

mrmagoo:
and if you noticed there were several scenarios bond found himself with madeleine that reminded him of vesper lynd that will explain him falling for her easily

lol what scenarios please? There was absolutely no chemistry between the both of them all of a sudden bond is being tortured and she goes I love you? Even their sex scene had no chemistry

mrmagoo:
If you don't understand something ask questions instead hating it to appear sophistcated and impress your peers

Dude the movie is awful suck it

narrator
daniel is done r*ping monica so he contacts his buddie from the CIA to "protect" monica let's all try to forget that spectre had direct links to the CIA in quantum of solace, moving on daniel is just in time to attend alessandro's succession meeting which is in a grand chapel with luxurious cars parked in front because........subtlety
annoying bouncer
Wetin happen? wetin happen? Who you be? Who you dey find?
daniel craig
You dey mad ni? You no knw me again?(flashes ring at annoying bouncer)
annoying bouncer
Hey! this looks like the ring that was missing from alessandro's corpse we've been waiting to see the slowpoke who will try to infiltrate one of our meetings with it, please come in
daniel craig
Why thank you(walks in)
narrator
daniel walks into the worlds largest and creepiest board meeting and in typical fashion spectre spills their evil plans in the presence of an MI6 agent

Spectre Operatives
Bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb
Bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb
Bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb

Christoph waltz
So anyone wanna replace mr alessandro? Hurry this up i've gotta feed my cat *WINK*
doomed spectre dude
I shall replace alessandro and i shall bring #Change to spectre operations i am loyal and patriotic to spectre. #SaiSpectre
christoph waltz
*Yawn* anyone else?
dave batuista
Hey guys remember me from guardians of the galaxy as the irrational big blue dude? Well guess what? i'm an irrational big dude in this movie as well(smashes doomed dude's face against a table,makes eye jelly outta him and snaps his neck for no reason)
christoph waltz
Hmmm a scary as f*ck dude who lights the fuse on every situation and can easily blow our cover........ you're hired
spectre operatives
Is there any spectre meeting where someone doesn't get brutally murdered for no reason? If we can get killed off so easily i wonder why we are always so eager to join?
christoph waltz
So next matter of business daniel craig just infiltrated our meeting but don't worry you see it was a trap and now i've placed annoying bouncer behind him for comic relief to make sure he doesn't escape(daniel makes annoying bouncer his b*tch and tosses him over the railings) don't worry my able henchmen shall shoot daniel down before he gets anywhere(henchmen are lousy shots so daniel escapes) don't worry i'm sure daniels car has been impounded he can't get too far(daniel's car is totally not guarded so he flees) dang it! WTF?
dave batuista
I'm on it(hops into his extremely expensive jag and chases after daniel)hmmmn on a hitman salary?*shrugs*
narrator
they race through the streets of italy and despite being a high speed race between two expensive as f*ck sport cars, the italian police chose not to give a sh*t
daniel craig
Hey naomi! i've found no better time to call than during a car chase
naomi harris
What is it daniel?
daniel craig
First of all despite just seeing my dead brother alive and being on the run from a murderous lunatic, let's quip about your boyfriend at the pure disgust of the audience
naomi harris
Done
daniel craig
Alright then,now reveal the identity of this pale king everyone has been talking about
naomi harris
How exactly do i do that?
daniel craig
It's in your script damn it
naomi harris
(Flips through script)
Ah yes it's jesper christensen from quantum of solace and casino royale remember him?
daniel craig
You mean the dude that blackmailed eva green into committing suicide and almost got judi dench murdered? grrrr! How is he still alive? oh i'll crush him, i'll crush him and feed him to the pigs i'll cut out his heart and make him watch it stop beating
sam mendes
Cut! alright let's do this again but instead daniel act like jesper is an old dictionary you forgot to take back to the library
daniel craig
Gorrit, so where can i find jesper?
naomi harris
He is hiding in austria
daniel craig
Won't call it hiding if we can actually find him you know what i mean?
Anyway yea please help me find out how christoph waltz is still alive despite dying in horrible bosses2 thanks
dave batuista
Ahem!
daniel craig
Oh right you're still in this movie
dave batuista
One question, how is an aston martin faster than a jaguar?
daniel craig
The same way an aston martin has sting missiles(sting missiles don't work) sh*t i mean the same way aston martins have smoke screens(smoke screen doesn't work). damn it, the same way aston martins fart fire?(Fire farts work) cool now i shall speed off to london destroy this aston martin for no reason
dave batuista
Seriously? you think i can't see you in a parachute not too far from here?(Flips through script) oh look i can't *shrugs* oh well(walks away)
narrator
next we see ralph, greg and andrew in tokyo for a G9 meeting of all intelligence heads?
ralph fiennes
only in bond movies why are we even here?
andrew scott
We are here to vote for or against joining our powers together to spy on weak nations without their permission #GoDemocracy

ralph fiennes
And what if we vote no
other intelligence chiefs
Then we'll call off the meeting in which case why the f*ck did we travel so far for a minute meeting ugh!
andrew scott
dude WTF we talked about this i ought to get you fired to get you outta my way and promote my evil plans
ralph fiennes
Good grief! how will you do that?
dave scott
by showing how you suck at managing your agent
ralph fiennes
Hey i thought that was my job?
andrew scott
Well we are repeating that crappy"you can't control your agent" storyline from skyfall cause it never gets old, look at 009's car crashed in italy automatically that means daniel did it
ralph fiennes
How did you even know about daniel going rogue before me? shouldn't i be a bit suspicious about that?
andrew scott
Er No! I mean i saw a picture daniels crashed expensive as f*ck car in a river see? Nothing suspicious there(nose sprouts like pinnochios)
daniel craig
that's weird the streets were totally empty during the chase
andrew scott
And he had a late night chat with naomi harris
ralph fiennes
yea er i don't think i wanna hear that
andrew scott
No you slowpoke it's about how she is his mole at the office
ralph fiennes
Oh my God naomi just commited treason and assisted insurbodination
dave scott
So......what will you do to her? *evil smile*
ralph fiennes
Nothing actually if you don't mind we will be skipping to the next scene please
And let's ignore the part about how daniel infiltrated the organization responsible for all'em bombings ok?

andrew scott
We've been doing well ignoring that part so far
narrator
next we see daniel in austria once again passing through austrian immigration despite the MI6 knowing he's gone rogue he heads to a cottage that has jesper christensen in it how daniel knows and how he found out doesn't matter amirite?
daniel craig
Hmmmm this is it my arch nemesis from my first two movies he's an excellent marks man just like me and smart as f*ck i better be on my guard this will indeed be an epic battle scene, hey heinsenberg could you direct me to jespers house please?
jesper christensen
it's me daniel so you can go ahead and scratch this action scene off your list cause I've been poisoned, I have a gross beard and I live in this snowy setpiece away from my family who abandoned me for being a criminal
audience
What da? Hey sam! Breaking bad called they said STOP STEALING THEIR SH*T!!!
jesper christensen
Anyway, since you did such a tremendous job protecting catalina murino,gemma arteton,berenice marlohe, judi dench and eva green i shall now entrust my daughter into your care
daniel craig
Fine! what's your daughters name and how do i erase this conversation incase anyone stumbles upon the camera footage
jesper christensen
Good bye mr.craig(blows out his head)
daniel craig
Ugh! Sick i ma puke right now seriously i ma have a severe psychological trauma and i ma start having nightmares and PTSD and......
sam mendes
Cut! Nice one daniel now we shall take this scene again this time act like a kid who just saw his parents kissing
daniel craig
Ok
dave batuista
Ha i'm here, time to make eye jelly outta you with my iron thumbs......oh damn daniel got to him before me what am i gonna do to look menacing in this scene?
jesper christensen
Be sure not to look at my surveillance tapes.......sh*t i should have erased those
dave batuista
Hmmmm i shall find your surveillance tapes and watch them...............MENACINGLY!!!
surveillance tapes
gulp!

To be continued......

shockwave91:
i don't think the homie's coming back to the franchise. E don try.
Wen r u doing[b]Ant-Man[/b]??

Mtchew! Who dey watch that one?

armadeo:
Guy. You have come again. Thank God I have watched it cos this one pass spoiler.

Mtchew wetin dey for person to spoil the movie na just straight line even if na 20 minutes to end you start am u no go even miss anytin

shockwave91:
spectre?? More like meh-ctre

As in I'm not even going to take the next bond movie seriously especially if they are retaining that yeye director

newguy1:
I am disappointed firstly i thought Monica
belluci was playing n integral part of the movie
(cus of what heard from the commentary).
Secondly the movie was too straight forward
was actually thinking this movie was made to
generate fund or just to end the contract with
Daniel Craig. N him retiring for that girl! Bosnan
didn't do dat even for halle berry. Dis 007 is a
no brainer

Oh na dat part even vex you? What of when bond and the dr were going to spy on spectre and they dragged change of clothes with them like they were going on vacation or when blofeld said he and bond were brothers or the part where Q studied the ring and all three villains from the previous movies just happen to be related? as in na three days I use take finish the film to show how uninterested I was

narrator
next daniel is walking aimlessly when naomie harris suddenly appears in front of him
naomi harris
Hey daniel where are you going?
daniel craig
i'm heading home cause i've been suspended as that is basic protocol for intelligence agencies, I've left scores of mexicans are dead, millions of dollars in property damage and frightened the f*ck outta everyone but hey I'm james bond so I'm going home
naomi harris
Anyway i have this box of burnt trash that forensics picked up from skyfall........ see what i did there? I forcefully tried to connect this movie to skyfall and there's plenty more where that came from
audience
Ugh!
daniel craig
Any reason you couldn't just hand this box to me when i left ralph's office you're still his secretary right?anyway bring it to my house by 9:00 pm sexual predator hour *evil smile*
narrator
later that evening naomi shows up at daniels apartment with the box
naomi harris
So i heard about mexico everyone is talking about it
daniel craig
Da f*ck? How is this public knowledge? this is the british secret service damn it
naomi harris
care to explain?
daniel craig
Judi dench told me to do it
naomi harris
Judi............dench
judi dench
That's right the bond franchise couldn't live without me so i'm going cameo b*tches.....now daniel since you sucked at protecting me and carelessly got me killed in the worst way possible, i've decided to will you my kill list, now number one, go kill a dude named alessandro and attend his funeral to f*ck his widow and get answers
audience
Any reason you couldn't just arrest and interrogate the guy when you were alive?
naomi harris
shouldn't you have 'willed' this over to british intelligence instead?
daniel craig
Or perhaps just skip to the 'f*ck his widow' part?
judi dench
Look you wanna f*ck monica bellucci or not?
daniel craig
Monica who?(Dashes off to get a carton of condoms) oh naomi could you cover me for on this one? i really need to murder some a*ss
naomi harris
Now why would i risk my career and probably my life committing treason for you?
daniel craig
Hmm do it for me and i'll buy you a bouquet of flowers
naomi harris
Hmmm that seems fair enough i'll do it
narrator
daniel heads over to Q-branch
Ben whishaw
Hello daniel notice how funny i sound? I'm trying to be.......
daniel craig
*rolling eyes* Desmond llewyn's Q i get it just give it a rest cause you suck
ben whishaw
o yea? well have a seat and TAKE THAT! you jerk(shoves nanobots into daniels wrist)
daniel craig
Ouch! 10 years since casino royale and you haven't found a less painful way of injecting this sh*t into people?
ben whishaw
(Changes topic) so here is the aston martin 2015 for your eyes only literary cause it belongs to 009 i don't even know why i'm showing it to you haha your car on the other hand is still f*cked up so you'll have to be patient
daniel craig
Instead of piecing it together why not just get me a new car?
ben whishaw
You know how they say"if e pain you go hug transformer" well i've got this exploding wrist watch incase e too pain you see ya
daniel craig
Oh i just remembered i've got some a*ss to crush in italy so i'll need you to cover for me
ben whishaw
What? No! I can't do that besides you could always cut out your nano tracker and stuff it in your couch at home or something what do you need me for?
daniel craig
Dude did i tell you the a*ss in question belongs to monica bellucci?
ben whishaw
Oh my sh*t you've got to get on that.......ok you know what? I'll let you slide, if ralph asks, despite being a hacking computer genius who can play with the screen and make it seem like you are in london, i'll simply just say you are in london when you aren't and hope ralph doesn't know how to read a GPS
daniel craig
Atta boy, i shall now raise suspicion by stealing 009's car(steals aston martin 2015 and trades it for a bottle of champagne?)
ben whishaw
Really b*tch?
narrator
daniel arrives in italy and doesn't run any flags cause MI6 doesn't put up APBs on stolen vechicles and it definitely doesn't have a tracker to stop the car from working you know? Like every other modern car does? anyway daniel is just in time for alessandro's funeral don't ask how he knows where it is cause it's that kind of movie
daniel craig
Hey wait a minute why does everyone here look like assassins? And isn't that my adopted brother christoph waltz? Never mind(staring at monica's a*ss) target acquired(approaches her) hey there lady your husbands death is giving me mourning wood get it wood?
old as f*ck monica bellucci
Mtchew!(Walks away)
narrator
later that evening monica walks into her house with two spectre hit men behind her and one daniel craig behind them
old as f*ck monica bellucci
Hmmm it's so weird that despite my husbands dangerous job i made no preparations for a day like this o well if i must die it must be close to my swimming pool with a drink in my hand, wait a minute how exactly will you explain that to the police? they will definitely catch on that this is murder and they will open up an investigation you know for a shadowy criminal organization, you guys sure suck at subtlety
spectre hitman 1
Shut up! Now prepare to be shot by three spectre agents
spectre hitman 2
Three i thought we were two?
daniel craig
Tada i'm the third hitman and i've been sneaking up your a*sses
spectre hitman2
Damn it spectre hitman 1 this is your fault why didn't you lock the front door?(Daniel murders them both)
daniel craig
So monica i just saved you from an awful marriage to an ugly as f*ck dude and from being gang r*ped with bullets according to bond universe this means you owe me p*ssy
old as f*ck monica bellucci
And i guess we shouldn't go into details like say HOW I GOT INTO THIS MESS IN THE FIRST PLACE?
daniel craig
R*pe mode activated
narrator
daniel assaults monica's lips and she clearly looks like she's having a bad time
old as f*ck monica bellucci
Calm down dude they are lips not a f*cking burrito, did you just stick your nose in my mouth? ugh! the mirror is cold against my bare back CUT!!!

coollabman:
lol! its not as bad as you're making it look. as far as the numbers are concerned, it was a hit!

Not as bad?

- SPECTRE resurrected from 60s and forced into 2016

-James bond's character development tossed in the garbage and made into a robot again

-Recycled themes and scores from skyfall

-Blofeld that showed in 3 scenes

- Forcing the movie to relate with the other craig movies

- and james bond retiring from MI6 for a girl he met in a week

guy come if na play u dey play abeg stop

coollabman:
lol! the movie wasn't a waste of mb jor! you enjoyed it and just want to beef for no good reason!

Oh c'mon the movie was terrible and you know it don't even go there

coollabman:
lol! dem no beg you to watch their film!

Yea they did with the ton of ads on tv and forcing the actors to lie in the movies commentary they practically forced me to see it

coollabman:
you've started again

Tell'em make dem return my 300mb and i'll be on my way

dedicated to skyfall: AFTER SEEING THIS MOVIE I THINK I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY

narrator
the movie opens in mexico city as the mexicans celebrate the day of the dead in grand style, we then spot a dude in a mask and a white suit walk past another guy whose in a full skeleton suit, ignoring a gorgeous latina lady and eye-ing the other guys butt?
daniel craig
O hey guys i've been waiting in the streets for Alessandro Cremona to pass by now i can proceed to stalking him
audience
Phew! For a moment we thought you were checking alessandro out
narrator
daniel and Stephanie Sigman are followed around in a brilliant and unnecessary 1 shot which ends up in a hotel room
Stephanie Sigman
Hmmm so you've disrobed into a british assassin suit armed with a snipers long range rifle, i guess i should ask why you have these but being a b*tch in a james bond movie i guess the only question to ask is "where are you going"?
daniel craig
And i guess i should stutter and make up some lie to justify my situation but hey it's a bond movie so SHUT UP AND STAY IN BED YOU C*NT(climbs out the window)
narrator
next we see daniel listening in on a conversation between alessandro and two other guys in a hotel room directly across his hotel in the full glare of a procession
Alessandro Cremona
Ha upon walking into the room let's blatantly start talking about illegal activities just incase a british secret agent is eaves dropping on our conversation
other dudes
Yea. bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb now let's toast to BOMB!!
daniel craig
Ugh! i had a bug in their hotel room this whole time?then why did i waste my time waiting in the noisy streets for alessandro to walk past? i could have crushed stephanies a*ss and still be aware of what was going on? And why am i wearing a business suit in the midst of a Día de Muertos celebration wouldn't that make me easy to spot? Perhaps i should've left my skeleton suit on.......Man f*ck this(blows the building to sh*t) mission accomplished
mexicans
Hmmm did someone hear that loud bang followed by what sounds like a building crashing on 100s of mexican people? No? Oh well let's keep going
Alessandro Cremona
(Running) thank you!
daniel craig
Sh*t time for an exciting parkour chase scene
sam mendes
Ahem! You do know i'm directing this franchise right back to the 60s right? So i have a better idea, SILLY HELICOPTER FIGHT!
narrator
an evil helicopter lands in a square which catches everyones attention for some reason, and an unarmed alessandro is hurriedly picked up by an unarmed bodyguard so he can flee from an equally unarmed daniel craig
daniel craig/Alessandro Cremona/bodyguard
Why didn't non of us think to bring no guns?
narrator
daniel craig whacks the bodyguard with a staff which he proceeds to throw away so he can handle alessandro's goodies all in the name of a "helicopter fight",this scene goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on till daniel kicks out alessandro and the helicopter pilot and stabilizes the helicopter within a minute(cause it's that kind of movie)
Then daniel stares at a ring he snatched off alessandro as he flies unto the sun set

mexican government
Hmmm mexico is depicted as a grotty disgusting country with Deaf people and lazy law enforcement agents who allow terrorists run away scot free i bet this should bring in tons of investors and tourists yay!

narrator
next sam smith does the impossible which is MAKE A JAMES BOND MOVIE GAY

sam smith
*singing* Spoilers spoilers listen close this movie is just a re-enactment of casino royale,QOS and skyfall run away while you still can

sam mendes
Dude? WTF

sam smith
Well at least i didn't say one line for half the whole song

Adele
I heard that!

narrator
next we see ralph fiennes losing his sh*t back in london
ralph fiennes
WTF holy f*ck, what the good f*ck, sh*t f*ck dammit sh*t f*ck, f*ck f*ck f*ck, F*ck(takes a deep breath) F, U, C,K spells F*CK!!!
daniel craig
Er are you mad at me for assisting in a terrorist attack on mexico?
ralph fiennes
No i'm just mad that they cast me in this role instead of ciaran hinds or liam neeson or tom wilkinson and why are we doing that scene from casino royale where judi dench yells at you for destroying an embassy? she did hers with a lot of class but i'm doing mine like a stereotypical black police chief from 21 jump street......wait you blew that building?
daniel craig
Er no i didn't(nose sprouts like pinnochio's)
ralph fiennes
Grrrr! I'm going to suspend you indefinitely for going after spectre the same way i did in on her majestys secret service for the same reason now f*ck off
andrew scott
Hello daniel i heard you are difficult to control and often insubordinate, wait how are you, ralph,greg and ben not in prison right now for what you did in skyfall? Plus i'm evil and it will really help my evil cause if you all are locked behind bars *evil smile*

daniel craig
Nice name you've got i'll call you A.hole
andrew scott
*losing focus*Don't call me that i'm your boss
ralph fiennes
Yea maybe we should call him S for sucker
andrew scott
Hey don't call me that i'm warning you
daniel craig
Hey i've got one let's call him S.O.B
andrew scott
stop making fun of me(runs away)
To be continued....

i miss this game

shockwave91:
wetin happen?

No mind me jare i just dey para for kobosmart abeg still give am that konk for me o

Taiye taiwo

Wow this is the saddest story i've ever read

shockwave91:
And HE'S BACK!! Ladies and Gentlemen! HE'S BACK!!!!

Tank u my broda abeg helep me give kobosmart konk for liking rogue nation































ARE U FOR REAL?

narrator
next rebecca meets with sean at a cemetary
sean harris
So once again i sent you on a mission with a bunch of dudes and they all wound up dead

rebecca ferguson
*shrugs* well nothing stops you from busting a cap in my head and dumping me in one of em graves in this cemetary

sean harris
Nah i'll rather just keep you alive for no reason.........so you got my ledger?
rebecca ferguson
Yep (hands over the flash drive)
sean harris
Uh it's empty
rebecca ferguson
i guess i better go get that shovel
sean harris
pffft! What? C'mon you know i can't stay mad at you, besides the movie wants you alive no matter how convoluted or silly it looks so don't worry i've got one more mission for you to screw up you know for old times sake
narrator
rebecca IMs tom
tom cruise
Hey rebecca wants to meet with me
At an airport terminal,how does my hair look?
jeremy renner
it's not a date dude It's a trap
tom cruise
No it's not it's........
ving rhames
Trap mctrapinstein?
tom cruise
No no no you don't understand she is.....
simon pegg
Putting the rap in trap?
tom cruise
she's feeling the boy y'all just mad she didn't call you........wait a minute how did she know how to contact me? Are super spies that accessible?
(Leaves)

narrator
tom meets with rebecca
tom cruise
So just incase you decide to betray us and unleash a gang of thugs on us just remember there are 4 of us and lord knows how many of you
rebecca ferguson
I'm here because i've a plan,i'm a fugitive and you're a fugitive so let's run away and defy the gov'ts of the world side by side as f*ck buddies
ving rhames
Except that invitation is for a party then i aint buying
jeremy renner
Yea that's the storyline for bourne legacy and i'm still hoping for a part 2
tom cruise
Hmmm what about simon? Simon?
Jens Hultén
I totally kidnapped his a*ss
tom cruise
Quick jeremy let's run him down ving you are the fat old one among us quick get rebecca who is far far away from you
ving rhames
I've got her i've got her..........oops she's gone surprise surprise
sean harris
Hey tom i need you to kidnap the prime minister of england or i'll kill simon muahahahah! now nod your head if you heard what i said........now tell me if you nodded
tom cruise
*rolling eyes* i did(cuts call) damn!
jeremy renner
What? Are you upset that the villain you've been chasing for so long(offscreen) has eluded you once again?
tom cruise
No i just said damn! Cause the prime minister kidnapping plot is way better Than this crapfest
narrator
in london there just happens to be a "prime minister attacking opportunity" gala going on cause hey how else can you hurt a public figure than at a part-ay? we see Simon McBurney rebecca's handler who just so happens to be the f*cking director of MI6
Simon McBurney
Really i'm the head of MI6 and i walk around without any bodyguards? And when did i become so short? and when did i develop bow legs? and why does my face feel like rubber? and why is my throat all itchy? and why does my hair smell like synthetic hair plugs? and why does..........hey i got it you guys wanna.........
jj abrams
Shhh it's a surprise
audience
*rolling eyes* ugh! We know it's tom cruise alright
alec baldwin
I'm here to save the prime minister's life
jeremy renner
And i'm here to snitch
Tom Hollander
So where's your proof that tom is gonna hurt me?
alec baldwin
I don't need proof tom is the sh*t he does what he wants when he wants and how he wants, he is a bad mother......shut your mouth, he is the dude they send to kill the f*cking boogie man he is.........he is.......... tom motherf*cking cruise and he is here to get you
Tom Hollander
F*ck and you couldn't tell me this over the phone? Goddamn now how can i stop this attack when my security detail comprises of two geezers and jeremy renner
simon mcburney
Make that one geezer cause,Tada i'm actually tom cruise(attacks Tom Hollander)
alec baldwin
(Sh*ts a brick)
tom cruise
Okay so time to clear my name
simon mcburney
and I'm here just in time to uh oh.......(is also attacked by tom cruise)
tom cruise
So simon do you admit that M:I totally stole the syndicate plot from james bond spy novels
simon mcburney
Yep
tom cruise
And do you admit to funding them even when you knew it was a dumb idea to begin with and they'll just turn around and f*ck you over?
simon mcburney
Mm-hmm
tom cruise
Alrightie then so alec what do you think?
alec baldwin
Hmmm so i've been complaining about your recklessness all through the movie and voila i see the most reckless of actions take place before my eyes i should obviously arrest your a*ss and resign for being terrible at my job.....man F*ck that cos i'm an irresponsible jerk so now lets do what real american intelligence agencies do, so simon you attacked the prime minister
simon mcburney
no i didn't
alec baldwin
And i saved Tom Hollander
simon mcburney
And no one will pick on the fact that we are hiding our a*sses here because of an american agent?
tom hollander
And neither will they notice the marks on my neck or chemicals in my blood
jj abrams
*shrugs* what can i say? this movie was totally written by a 10 year old
alec baldwin
Now tom take this ton of cash to gamble with/fund terrorism and go cause more mayhem for AMERICA
tom cruise
AMERICA F*CK YEA(f*cks off)
narrator
tom heads over to an outdoor restaurant where rebecca and simon pegg are seated
simon pegg
Hey tom you jerk
tom cruise
simon?
simon pegg
Sorry sean's in my ear and telling me what to say
tom cruise
Oh that scene from knight and day trust me i got this, hey sean you want the ledger you gotta come meet me face to face calling your bluff b*tch
sean harris
Except i anticipated this and actually made simon tell me about the server switch in morrocco so i can just kill all y'all and go stage a heist of my own
tom cruise
Huh?
sean harris
Yea just kidding fine i'll disarm simons bomb(does so)
simon pegg
Yay see you at the safe house tom
tom cruise
Ha ha safe house? What safe house? we are actually running for our lives we certainly aren't laying a trap for sean(nose sprouts like pinnochio)
sean harris
Now i've my most trusted henchmen positioned a 1000yards away from you and a not so trusted rebecca with a handgun just sitting across you, i bet you have no reason to escape
narrator
tom and rebecca immediately make a run for it while popping caps intoS.P.E.C.T.R.Esyndicate agents
S.P.E.C.T.R.Esyndicate agent I
Hey how does tom even know who to shoot at?(Gets shot)
S.P.E.C.T.R.Esyndicate agent II
Maybe its because we are all dressed in black and are rushing him head on rather than i don't long range rifling his a*ss(gets shot too)
sean harris
Damn it i knew i should have been stingy with my henchmen now i've run outta them well guess i've to chase tom down myself (hops into a car)
narrator
rebecca somehow ends up having a knife fight with Jens Hultén
Jens Hultén
Ha ha i'm a more experienced assassin and i have the height and weight advantage there's no way you are gonna(slips over a banana peel and ends up with knife in his skull)
rebecca ferguson
I guess you didn't......THINK THIS THROUGH, cool kick a*ss yans right?
narrator
sean and tom do a live action tom and jerry chase scene
sean harris
I don show(fires blindly at tom cruise even though he wants him alive)
tom cruise
I shall crash into this shop and slide unto this pit
sean harris
Hmmm nothing suspicious about that (jumps in with him)
tom cruise
psyche! I'm totally trapping you the way you did me earlier
sean harris
Being the crazed lunatic i'm i could just commit suicide and gloat about never taking me alive besides another dude is just gonna replace me and .........
tom cruise
gas him now
sean harris
Whatever(passes out)
tom cruise
Ok wrap it up rebecca pucker up we are gonna.........
rebecca ferguson
Thanks(drives off)
tom cruise
What da? Did i just get friend zoned for the FOURTH F*CKING TIME?c'mon when am i ever gonna get laid even jason bourne crushes more a*ss than i do and that's supposed to be a serious movie ugh(walks away)
narrator
back in america alec is rebanding the disbanded IMF
old guys on the committee
So you wanna leave the lucrative career of CIA director to become the director of an on and off IMF agency?
alec baldwin
Yep

old guys on the committee
Um shouldn't you just i don't know merge IMF into the CIA and plus don't you think this will affect your credibility record with us
alec baldwin
Oh never thought about that
old guys on the committee
Psyche! IMF is back online get outta here
tom cruise
So box office how did we do?
box office
$682.3million
tom cruise
Dang it
sean harris
Hehehehe i knew you were going to fail(gets gased again)
End

kay9:
Aww cheer up... At least now I know there was a good reason I didn't watch Rogue Nation.

The best mission impossible will always be part 1 that was more creative, the remaining just dey thief james bond and jack bauer up and down

simon pegg
Meanwhile i shall be building a cliff hanger over here
audience
Like we give a f*ck about what happens to you
simon pegg
hey i could get caught! And handed to alec who will proceed to......oh you're right this sucks
Don't mind if i get......(F*cks off the rest of the scene)
narrator
tom is underwater when he mixes the cards because "i told you so" and he gets dragged by a circulating thing that doesn't have motion sensors on it then tom finally drowns........haha just kidding he only collapses into a casino royale scene you know? Sobond tom passes out from poisoningdrowning andvesperrebecca ferguson resuscitates him with a defibrillator
tom cruise
Oh thank you very much rebecca
rebecca ferguson
Whatever i'm just gonna get out of these wet clothes and do some unnecessary side b*ob flashing
tom cruise
O yea that's what i'm talking about i just hope simon doesn't come to ruin.........
simon pegg
Hey tom i've the file i've it. Watch me wave it around in the full glare of a S.P.E.C.T.R.E syndicate agent
tom cruise
*rolling eyes*
rebecca ferguson
Ha!(Stuns the f*ck outta simon but in a way that doesn't kill him?) i saved tom cruise in london so we could meet again and i'll lead him to steal the government ledger which i'll in-turn use to betray S.P.E.C.T.R.Ethe syndicate and take it to my MI6 handler go #GirlPower(scurries off)
tom cruise
B*tch please it's hollywood you're still gonna need me to save your a*ss
simon pegg
Plus i should probably mention to you that i have a backup copy but it will make us an action scene short so let's go reharse an M:I 2 bike chase
tom cruise
First i must act like an id*ot cause drowning makes you dumb(acts like a m*ron but manages to hot-wire a kick-a*ss BMW which just happens to be sitting in the streets of morroco)
narrator
meanwhile rebecca[s]cleverly duplicates the ledger and gives the syndicate baddies a copy and delivers another copy to MI6[/s]st*pidly tries to make a run for it but instead starts a three-way bike chase scene
audience
oh God i've got a headache

S.P.E.C.T.R.Esyndicate baddies
Perhaps we should call sean and inform him about rebecca our rogue agent going all rogue on us.......nah let's all just go DIE wohoo!
narrator
tom swats the baddies like flies and bumps into ving and jeremy because morroco is that small
tom cruise
Ha i'm no longer vertigo-ed i shall chase after rebecca and kill more baddies(does so) now rebecca it's you and me nothing will stop me from......oh sh*tvesper rebecca's standing on the road got to swerve to avoid hitting her thereby crashing my aston martinbike yep that has definitely not been done before(crashes and walks away without a scratch)
narrator
next rebecca heads over to london to meet with her MI6 handler in an open park where everyone can spot them
Simon McBurney
Oh good work(deletes file to cover his a*ss) now go get more information on spectre sorry i mean the syndicate
rebecca ferguson
I'm not sure if you noticed but i kinda sorta betrayed their sorry a*sses back in tangiers i don't think i will be allowed back intoS.P.E.C.T.R.E the syndicate
Simon McBurney
Well tough t*tty i'm the only one who knows that you're an MI6 undercover agent everyone else thinks you're a terrorist incase no one noticed......this is the exact same premise of the abandoned KGB agent in triple-X 1
rebecca ferguson
Hmmm i guess my options are
A. Return to sean and get my a*ss murdered
B.go live it up in my porsche condo back in tangiers
C. Defect to the C.I.A
D.using m skills as a kickass field agent to blackmail Simon McBurney into getting my life
I shall choose option A because the movie script says so
narrator
back at tangiers tom and crew all get seated in the failure summit 2015 right next to the avengers *wink wink*
simon pegg
Hey guys you're probably going to get a kick out of this, turns out i had the ledger on me the whole time
tom cruise
Awesome man so rebecca has a dud flash drive
simon pegg
No rebecca totally has a copy just like we do , But giving her a dud would have been a good idea knowing she would betray us, however we can't open it only the prime minister of england can do so
tom cruise
That means sean is going after the prime minister
simon pegg
Pfft! Let's just tell the C.I.A to inform the prime minister and call it a day
tom cruise
What is it with you always trying to cut out unnecessary action scenes? Mind ya self o
Jeremy renner
B*tch, moan and frown like i just sucked a d*ck i bet everyone is suspicious of me just like in ghost protocol again

To be continued......

kay9:
Severee, me thinks you're losing it... the side-talk is getting too, well, verbose. Keep it simple, nice and simple. Else you end up worse than the movie.

tom cruise
Ok lady we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
rebecca ferguson
you mean by eye-humping me to sh*t cause that kinda looks like what you are doing
tom cruise
No am not(nose sprouts like pinnochio)
rebecca ferguson
Oh here's my stop i'll be getting down here please
simon pegg
why? You carry juju for mouth? You're the only link i have to S.P.E.C.T.R.Ethe syndicate and my getaway ticket from somehow having the austrian president's assassination ridiculously pinned on me
tom cruise
Simon look........ There's a zombie over there?
simon pegg
Where?
tom cruise
(Shoves rebecca outta the car in exchange for her lipstick)
simon pegg
Seriously? I would picked her panties instead
tom cruise
I had to make a judgement call(tries to sniff the lipstick and ends up exposing a flashdrive) and i totally knew this was a flash drive the whole time(nose sprouts like pinnochio)
simon pegg
It's really amazing how you can still afford things like this expensive yatcht and a trip to tangiers, hasn't IMF been disbanded and all, how are they not even tracking you with your extravagant spending..........
tom cruise
Next scene please
narrator
next a gang of dudes with "i am CIA" written on their foreheads raid a building in cuba which is supposed to have tom cruise in it but they find a phone there instead
tom cruise
B*tch what took you guys so long to get here i've been doing pull ups all day and my phone battery should have run down by now i'm getting crams man
CIA dudes
Wait a minute who are we tracking again?
alec baldwin
Er tom cruise
CIA dudes
Oh the same tom cruise we tracked all through the mission impossible series,minority report and knight and day? I'll just sit this one out he's just gonna come out innocent anyway (even after punching our faces in,killing us and making us run around like id*ots)
narrator
rebecca is dragged to sean harris for almost f*cking up the austrian job
sean harris
Er why is it anytime i send you on a mission with a bunch of dudes they all end up dead except for you and the mission fails?
rebecca ferguson
*shrugs*
sean harris
Anyway seeing how you have failed two missions i'm going to save you for a third and most important one this time you go alone, now if you excuse me i've a bodyguard to kill because killing gives me a raging b*ner(shoots his bodyguard for no reason)
other bodyguards
Hmmm shouldn't we have a bodyguard union to stop these indiscriminate killings in movies? No? Okay
narrator
tom and simon miraculously travel to morroco(despite a bounty put on their heads by the f*cking CIA) they walk into a luxury house that is totally los angeles by the way
rebecca ferguson
Ah you caught me at the right time when i'm not snoring/drooling, or doing some house chores or walking around with no makeup but rather taking a swim and looking sexy for no reason
simon pegg
So rebecca i totally
12 g C 1 mol C
3.14 g CO2 -------- --------- = 0.0714 mol C
44 g CO2 12 g C
2 g H 1 mol H
1.29 g H2O -------- --------- = 0.143 mol H
18 g H2O 1 g H
Thus, mole ratio of C : H is 0.0714 : 0.143 = 1 : 2.
to discover that you wanna steal a government ledger hidden in a high tech facility
tom cruise
show off! Hey rebecca simon doesn't trust you and thinks you totally have a d*ck ha c*ck block you're never gonna get in her panties now
simon pegg/rebecca ferguson
O_o okkkkkay
rebecca ferguson
Anyway the facility is highly advanced and sophisticated only certain recognized individuals can access it
simon pegg
What if i just throw on a mask?
rebecca ferguson
Nah that wouldn't work cause you would have to walk like the said person you're impersonating
audience
thank God the one mission impossible movie where they won't do the st*pid mask thing
rebecca ferguson
Hey why don't we blackmail an someone with access into stealing the ledger for us?
simon pegg
Or better still why don't you circulate sean's face to interpol and the CIA as the head of S.P.E.C.T.R.Ethe syndicate and call it a day?
tom cruise
I've a better idea, i shall perform a dangerous underwater stunt which puts me at the risk of drowning or being blown away by some industrial underwater fan or simon getting captured
simon pegg
How is that a good idea?
tom cruise
Cause we totally stole it from the movie Eagle eye
narrator
meanwhile, alec baldwin has a brilliant plan to capture tom cruise which is to invite ving rhames and jeremy renner to do it
ving rhames
I've an even smarter idea why don't we go over to tangiers and bring him back ourselves?
alec baldwin
Excellent idea i shall not stalk you while you do so
narrator
back at tangiers tom proceeds to steal the ledger
simon pegg
So tom all you have to do is switch the yellow card in the underwater server with the other yellow card in the underwater server
tom cruise
Okee dokey now time to infiltrate the underwater by plunging a billion feet into this kick-a*ss water fountain in the full glare of the factory workers here, did i also mention that i'll be dressed in spy attire?
workers
Hey isn't that tom cruise from mission impossible?(Flips through script) oops i mean my pockets are empty of f*cks to give lemme go buy some(walk away)

To be continued.....

narrator
next tom walks into a record store which is actually an IMF secret number station, cause yea no one ever visits those stores anymore
tom cruise
Hello moneypenny
store clerk
Ok creepy i'm half your age just pick a record and take a booth
tom cruise
Jerk! Just so you know i landed katie holmes and nicole kidman i'm a total catch
narrator
tom heads unto a booth to listen to a recorded message
sean harris
Hey tom we are IMF(holds back laughter) and we have a mission for you(chuckles) so we heard you've been trying to stop S.P.E.C.T.R.Ethe syndicate(snickering) ok ok i can't keep a straight face for this(ROTFL)
tom cruise
dude are you totally psyching me? How old are you like 10?
sean harris
Oh yea we are totally selling M:I's movie rights to disney by the way since that's what all stale franchises do
tom cruise
What? You can't do that but M:I is my golden goose the laziest way to make a million
sean harris
Well it's not my fault i mean u've had like 2 good movies 1horrendous one and 2 mediocre-ly average ones i think it's time for a curtain call
tom cruise
No please i'll do anything
sean harris
Very well then your mission should you choose to accept it is to have this movie make a billion at the box office
tom cruise
*putting on game face* i accept
Now i shall compile all the best moments from way cooler movies throw some MI swag into it and hope no one takes notice that's certainly a good idea now first of all initiate gas chamber scene from girl with the dragon tatoo(does so boringly and oh sean totally murders moneypenny which totally hurts tom for 2 seconds cause it's that kind of movie)
narrator
next we see tom cruise with his shirt off but since it's a pg-rated movie, his pants stay on, rebecca ferguson walks in wearing a tight all leather suit with nothing underneath
tom cruise
And why are you here? What paramount staffs car did you wash on camera?
micheal bay
hey! That was one time
rebecca ferguson
I'm the bond girl"hunt girl" in this movie(kicks off shoes)
tom cruise
Oooo and here i was thinking i was gonna be tortured when this is a striptease , now start from the top and slowly
narrator
a gang of dudes dressed like S.P.E.C.T.R.E operatives walk in
tom cruise
Gulp! guess i spoke too soon
Jens Hultén
Good evening mr.cruise i'm the bone doctor( hmmm wonder why i have a p*rnstar-ish stage name in a pg-rated movie)Now before we begin our torture session i must[s] make sure your feet are tied down and new untrusted agents are killed or escorted outta the room[/s]come face to face you know just incase you wanna take a swing at me
tom cruise
Why sure good thing the floor is super slippery and y'all pass out like infants
rebecca ferguson
And i'm totally on tom's side and will risk my cover to save his a*ss
narrator
tom and rebecca kick the sh*t outta eveyone using the moves they picked up from WWE
rebecca ferguson
So Jens Hultén has conveniently passed out and everyone else is dead except me
tom cruise
They are dead? We killed them with our crappy WWE moves? Like we are totally flirting with each other over dead bodies?hmm anyway what happens to you?
rebecca ferguson
I'll stay back and tell them you got away
tom cruise
And they are totally going to buy that? Shouldn't you fake an injury or something
rebecca ferguson
Dude it's mission impossible not a martin scorsese movie i'll be fine
tom cruise
Ok....... ugh i'm doing that thing where i walk around with no shoes again, you know no one ever got that joke abrams
narrator
next we see IMF's disbanded members being given a polygraph test they were trained to beat
simon pegg
Oh i hate my job its too safe and stress free i prefer being kidnapped or shot at or kicked the sh*t out of by sexy female assassins oh curse you tom you did this to us?
alec baldwin
You think we actually buy that bullsh*t?
simon pegg
Em..........yea?
alec baldwin
Ok back to work
narrator
simon returns to his desk to find an invitation to a tosca scene straight outta quantum of solace
simon pegg
Oh an IMF agent gets expensive tickets to travel a billion miles away from america and that doesn't raise eyebrows at all?
alec baldwin
And i shall be sure not to shove a tracking beacon up your colon or have tons of CIA spooks stake the f*ck outta you
narrator
simon arrives in austria and immediately receives communication goggles from a guy who has nothing to do but WAIT ALL DAY especially when simon pegg didn't really say if he was coming or not
tom cruise
Hey simon i need you to help me track sean harris he's gonna be at a tosca event downtown
simon pegg
And how exactly did you figure that out? Couldn't you just track him to his home through his ticket purchase or perhaps report him to the CIA for murdering moneypenny?
tom cruise
OMG no wonder you don't get any lines i'm seriously considering killing you off in this movie
simon pegg
Alright fine what do you want from me?
tom cruise
Get out your notepad and track simon's face
simon pegg
lol no sh*t i actually have a computerized notepad
audience
Ugh!
narrator
next tom cruise spots a dude with "i am an assassin" written on his fore head and decides to alert securitystalk him so they can reharse the sniper scene from skyfall
rebecca ferguson
I'm also here in my outrageous dinner gown that no one will take note of because it's a mission impossible movie
assassin 2
And i'm here to make sure our screw up recruit rebecca does her job and i shall infiltrate the event by shooting everyone on sight and risk being spotted by simon or anyone who gives a sh*t
narrator
tom and the nameless blonde assassin ridiculously re-enact the shanghai shadow fight from skyfall
rebecca ferguson
And while y'all get your testosterone on with the fight Feast your eyes on the unecessary shot of my arched "bony" lap
audience
*puke their guts*
tom cruise
how does no one notice two dudes violently clubbering each other untop the stage
blonde assassin
And how come we are falling backwards and forward but no one is falling left or right?
tom cruise
good idea
blonde assassin
oops!(Dies)
tom cruise
Phew! Now that i've killed the assassin and spotted their target and figured out exactly when they plan to strike(don't ask) i shall now [s]alert security to move the austrian president[/s]shoot[s]the presidents bodyguard or the lights in the presidents box room[/s]the president in the f*cking arm let's just hope the bullet doesn't rip-off his arm the way a real bullet will(shoots the president in the arm)
simon pegg
Oh look! That security guard is actually a bad guy and he is gonna hurt tom i shallalert securitycharge at an armed man like a f*cking r*tard(does so)
rebecca ferguson
Oh this operation is going to sh*t, time to[s]fall on my escape plan and make my clean getaway[/s] panic like f*ck and fire shots at tom and then at simon and then at the assassin simon's wrestling at the full glare of everyone.........oh sh*t that isn't a good idea RUN!!!
tom cruise
Hey there lady mind if i kidnap you while we escape austrian secret service with a yawn?(Does so)
austrian secret service
Oh our president just got shot by a sniper let's[s]lock him up in a secured room within the building[/s]leave the operathrough a service tunnel no onw usesthrough the front door where regular people and other assassins pass too(get fragged in presidential suv)
Wow! How did that happen? How did we not see someone plant a bomb under the suv? Damn! paramount you're making austrian security look bad
sean harris
Mission accomplished
audience
Even though you just wasted two of your men and allowed a tom cruise who recognizes you go unharmed with your lose canon rebecca ferguson?
sean harris
F*ck you man......... Mission accomplished

To be continued.....

Csami:
Severee, video camera is not necessary

mtchew if i hear, abeg make them no put video camera for naija bank na, na thief i go use take turn billionaire

narrator
the movie opens in a james bond stand alone pre-credit kind of way ,our heroes TOM CRUISE(and everybody else) are on one of those vague cliched missions that involves three things "INFILTRATION","RUSSIANS" and tons of "MISSILES" yea cause that never gets old
simon pegg
Ok how did i get into this enormous field without any russian soldier spotting me?
jeremy renner
Why am i acting like i don't wanna be here when i probably authorized this mission and how did i jump from personal assistant to IMF director?
ving rhames
Wohoo! I'm in this movie even though i have no use....... Wait why am i fixing masts in malaysia? and why is everyone surprised to hear from me?
simon pegg
Wait a minute how are you in on this? Weren't you fired at the end of ghost protocol?
tom cruise
(Running like a maniac) oh just shut up and watch me stunt
simon pegg
Dude have you been running across this big-a*ss field?
ving rhames
In a business suit?
jeremy renner
Without being spotted by the russians?
tom cruise
didn't i say SHUT UP!
narrator
tom performs a dangerous stunt to get on the plane which would have been awesome if simon pegg couldn't REMOTELY CONTROL THE PLANE, next we see ralph fiennes alec baldwin at a hearing where he is demanding the disbandment of the 00 sectionIMF and at the sametime giving sh*t to judi denchjeremy renner for not being able to control his agent but we know he's gonna be the newM IMF director in the end see the pattern?
j.j abrams
Well in my defence skyfall did steal the NOC file plot from Mission impossible one so tit for tat baby
alec baldwin
So anyway IMF should be disbanded because 20 years ago tom stole a CIA NOC file
jeremy renner
Well first of all, he used that list to lure an IMF mole,an IMF agent killer and a weapons dealer after which he returned the file besides, it was an iconic scene that gave this franchise recognition
alec baldwin
But but tom attacked the kremlin in ghost protocol all he had to do was be there
jeremy renner
I think everyone got the memo that micheal nyqvist did it to frame tom not our fault
alec baldwin
Plus there is the fact that tom stole from the chinese military in M:I 3 and dougray scott f*cked up an australian pharmaceutical lab, crashed a commercial plane filled with people and almost infected the whole of australia with a deadly virus in M:I 2 but i'm not going to add those movies for REASONS UNKNOWN
jeremy renner
Wow 20 years and all you can come up with is 2 missions? Good luck getting your petition approved
old dudes at the table
IMF is disbanded
jeremy renner
aint this a b*tch
alec baldwin
Wohoo IMF has been disbanded, anyone practicing IMF shall be arrested and sentenced to death for IMF-ing now where is tom cruise who i suppose is the only field agent IMF has
audience
Ugh please don't tell me this will be another M:I movie where..........
alec baldwin
I shall hunt down tom cruise while he in-turn hunts down a villain to clear his name
nairalanders
and this crap is rated 93% on rotten tomatoes?

To be continued......

@sage1000 thanx

Csami:
Abeg leave rogue nation alone. You can castrate spectre, ant man and fantastic four.

hmmm i'm getting scared what do ppl actually like in rogue nation?

-the villain was boring even by mission impossible boring villain standards
- the plot was scattered and all over the place with no direction
- Most of the iconic scenes in the movie were stolen from other movies
-there was no use for rebecca ferguson in the movie
- the finale was left too loose and anti-climatic
- what's the deal with the mask? I know it's their trademark but it's getting really unrealistic and annoying

The best mission impossible to me will always be mission impossible one

33117:
i also found that part silly see john wick see the bad guy shoot him he was hesitating well it's a movie sha

So what's next? How about spectre or rogue nation? Those movies were a total waste of time especially spectre

actually spectre was obviously going to suck, that sam mendes guy is not bond material he was just lucky with skyfall as for rogue nation after the tosca scene i just tuned off it was so boring i wonder what critics loved in that movie

ba7man:
Mad max is a raving success.

Any negative review will only backfire in your face because a lot of people won't share your sentiment.

Stick to silly movies like John wick...... now that's perfect.

We'll see about that

Swing and a miss: mad max fury /////////////loading......11%

narrator
keanu locates alfie allen, he kills all of alfies bodyguards and then he kills alfie allen anti climatically of course keanu could always shoot alfie allen with a long range rifle and leave everyone else who had nothing to do with his dog alone
keanu reeves
Ha! Now its all over i have closure now
audience
Phew! Okay i'm off
micheal nvquist
Uh I ain't done yet
keanu reeves
What do you mean?
micheal nvquist
Remember how your dog got murdered and you went batsh*t crazy on the russian mob? Well we are doing it again this time by killing willem dafoe your mentor
willem dafoe
Me? What did i do?
micheal nvquist
Well you set keanu free and my son is dead because of that
willem dafoe
O_o and you're sure it had nothing to do with the lazy security detail you put around him? Besides you were the one who was dumb enough to hire keanu's friend to kill keanu
micheal nvquist
yea well, everybody makes mistakes
willem dafoe
And now you are going to murder me like that wouldn't keanu come after you and kill you too
micheal nvquist
Well if he does that i've implanted andrianne palicki to take him out
willem dafoe
You mean the same chick injured keanu whooped with his bare hands imagine what he can do when he has guns
micheal nvquist
Holy cow you're right quick ready my chopper i'm fleeing
dean winters
Oh wait that was an option
andrianne palicki
Don't worry boss keanu's not gonna know what hit him(phone rings) hey ian, of course i can totally leave my post and have a meeting with you in a totally isolated place
narrator
she conveniently walks away as keanu arrives to see his buddie dead and totally flip out
keanu reeves
grrrr! Micheal didn't even have the decency of calling the Pizza boys to clean this up, its a good thing he didn't wire the house to blow now i can go activate revenger mode even though micheal has an hour headstart(gets into his bullet car complete with magic gps)
andrianne palicki
Ok so what is this all about?
ian macshane
PSYCH! We are here to kill you for killing that black guy in my hotel, as it is against the rules, Boys?! Let her have it
narrator
they gangr*pe her with bullets and then they disappear, meanwhile keanu[s]stealthily gets to the chopper before micheal,stealthily plants an explosive and walks away in his awesome stealthiness[/s] catches up with micheal's convoy and starts ramming his car into theirs like a scene from beverly hills cop
dean winters
Oh c'mon there are about 10 of us in 2 suvs how is keanu kicking our a*ss when there is just 1 of him in a bloody sports car?
micheal nvquist
Come to think of it maybe i should've travelled by boat
dean winters
How did keanu even find us?
keanu reeves
Ian told me
ian mcshane
No i said that i neither can confirm nor deny that micheal is leaving or staying in a helicopter or a chopper
dean winters
can it ian(turns to micheal) what did you do, tweet our location or something?
micheal nivquist
you know all you've done is sit and complain what's even more hilarious is that keanu hardly gives a sh*t about you so i wonder why you still hanging around? Anyway, have a gun get keanu
narrator
dean manages to wound keanu but then he begins to cackle like a cartoon villain so keanu reeves murders his a*ss out of anger
keanu reeves
Ha it's me and you micheal
micheal nvquist
Ever noticed this cliche where the good guy kills all the henchmen and always fights their boss last,is there anything that stops the boss from dying first
keanu reeves
Well i'm about to create another cliche which is toss my fully loaded gun away and hope you don't have a hidden weapon stashed somewhere
micheal nvquist
Sucker (stabs keanu in his old injury)
keanu reeves
hehehe that tickles(murders micheal) i've been stabbed and i'm probably
Bleeding out and no hospital will take me cause i've killed so many people i'm f*cked................best time for a joyride(gets into an SUV and crashes it
)...........Time to jerk off to a video of my wife(is about to jerk off to a video of his wife when he notices a pet shelter)...........time to steal a dog damn! I've got really bad ideas........ oh look a stapler i'll just staple my sliced abdomen and eveything will be fine
narrator
[b]keanu walks away with a pitbull and they live happily ever after even though keanu is mortally wounded and wouldn't last long or micheals colleagues from russia will come looking for keanu or the suv he crashed has his DNA all over it and it just led the police to the scene of a multiple homicide...........but it's a happy ending anyway
End