₦airaland Forum

⁠narrator

bradley heads back to the base

fellow SEAL
Congratulations you just killed a woman and a kid from a hidden safe distance like a f*cking coward how do you feel?
bradley cooper
I feel like killing more kids and women from a safe distance like a coward oh man the rush, that's got to be adrenaline right? Shooting and killing defenseless people from a safe distance
fellow SEAL
yea either that or a severe case of schizophrenia I mean you are supposed to have no regrets about killing them not relish it and ask for more
bradley cooper
Whatever man time to head unto the store to get me a sh*t load of diapers for my next montage
narrator
bradley continues to provide stalking services for marine units who are going door-to-door selling "Oppression and fear cookies" to innocent civilians in an evacuated city
marine
Hey innocent civilian we swore to protect, how about putting your life at risk by telling us the location of al Qaeda leader named  Mido Hamada.
innocent civilian
Nope I think i'll pass
marine
Second question are you a terrorist? We are actually racial-profiling arab males of military age as a threat because that sh*t never gets old
narrator
meanwhile bradley cooper is taking piss and sh*ts on himself
bradley cooper
ah! Nothing feels better that pee touching my skin, (blows the brain of an iraqi whose only crime was "looking suspicious"
6 arab brains spilled so far , more than other serial killers combined which is deeply disturbing and should be looked into but hey, human right watch can eat a d*ck ,phew! it doesn't get better than this.
narrator
his wife calls
bradley cooper
Wow my wife is calling time to give up my position by answering my phone which is supposed to be for official purposes only? Anyway,(answers the phone)Oh right you are still in this movie
sienna miller
So how is iraq?
bradley cooper
Oh iraq is super, the roads are paved in kit kats and they give you lollipops just because it's wednesday
sienna miller
Are you sure? Cause I actually watch the news and that's not what they say
bradley cooper
Uh!(Changes subject) I heard you are pregnant who is the father?
sienna miller
You of course, you are a f*cking sharp shooter remember, what the f*ck is wrong with you?
bradley cooper
nothing just a foreshadowing of the Post traumatic disorder to come, its gonna be EPIC!
sienna miller
Perhaps I should start unleashing my b*tchiness by whining about building a baby crib which obviously all american men seem to like doing with their nagging pregnant wife and totally don't find an excuse to skip it
bradley cooper
What's that baby sorry can't hear you I have to leave my totally safe hiding place so you can hear horrifying death squeals and sh*t ton of gun fire
narrator
bradley joins the marines on the ground

marines on ground
holy sh*t what are you doing here? Who is watching our a*sses?
bradley cooper
Uh dude chill out its just a movie, you should be happy the dude from guardians of the galaxy is kicking it with you guys so how about waving guns at innocent civilians and asking questions?
narrator[\b]
[b]threaten an innocent family at gun point
bradley cooper
not only am I an excellent sniper, I'm also an expert interrogator now tell me where Mido Hamada is
innocent civilian
I will tell you where he is but I need 100 000 dollars in exchange
bradley cooper
a hundred what? What you wanna do with that kind of money?
innocent civilian
O_o are you kidding me I live in a blown to sh*t fortress don't you think I want a better life?
bradley cooper
alright I can get you your money, you can trust me I only come from the country that imposed a ruthless dictator on your country and then blew your country to sh*t just to get rid of him
narrator
bradleys truck is attacked by  Sammy Sheik and at the same time alqaeda abducts the innocent civilian and his son
bradley cooper
*shrugs* oh well we tried to care

Mido Hamada
(Grabs the innocent civilian and his son)
I used my super hearing to find out that you snitched to the americans I learnt this from miami vice this is how to kill snitches(drills and shoots them to death) lemme guess another failed attempt to make bradley look like the good guy right? F*cking hollywood(walks away)
narrator[\b]
[b]bradley returns home and tries to adjust to normal life
sienna miller
Dude did you just sh*t your pants
bradley cooper
Oh my bad I thought I was still in iraq
sienna miller
Why are you eye-humping that lady across the road
bradley cooper
Not eye humping just monitoring her to see if she is a terrorist and that stroller is made of a sh*t ton of C4
sienna miller
Dude did you just scream TAKE COVER before c*mming during sex
bradley cooper
My bad I thought we were r*ping a defenseless iraqi woman
sienna miller
Are you watching a horror flick?!
bradley cooper
Its just a boot-leg video of how sammy sheiks kills people and records it so he can sell it on the streets
sammy sheik
Yea because I'm a sick motherf*cker or maybe I'm just killing american soldiers/invaders and I'm selling it on the streets to finance a good cause and give my people hope? anyway this plays out man it doesn't beat your shooting a woman and her child
bradley cooper
Whatever!
To be continued...

⁠
narrator
⁠The film cuts to a young bradley hunting with his father in the same tired old forest where hunger games and twilight were shot
young bradley cooper
*rolling eyes*Yea another cliched sniper background hunting with my douchebag dad story
clint eastwood
yea! Just like micheal bay f*cked up pearl habour, I just thought I make this movie miss its mark by turning it into a generic superhero/action movie infact I'm gonna rip the sh*t out of enemy at the gates which was a way better movie by the way
narrator
young bradley Shoots a deer
young bradley
Hell yea I just shot a f*cking deer in texas animal cruelty is how they know you are a man and accept you in the red neck tribe
ben reed
oh baby are you hurt? are you okay?
young bradley
O_o dad I'm standing right here I'm fine
ben reed
I'm not talking about you I'm talking about your gun why did you just drop it on the ground like that? You shall never have my love or approval now let's head to church for the next few scenes
narrator
so we see young brad and his family in church with his pocket bible in a failed attempt to make us "root for the bad guy" back at home young brad's born-again father tells a very weird story he ripped off of team america
ben reed
F*ck what they say in church there are three sets of people in this world the
D*cks(america's dissidents), the p*ssies(america's a*ss kissers) and the a*ssholes(america)
P*ssies don't like d*cks, because p*ssies get f*cked by d*cks. But d*cks also f*ck a*ssholes: a*ssholes that just want to sh*t on everything. P*ssies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can f*ck an a*sshole is a d*ck, with some balls. The problem with d*cks is: they f*ck too much or f*ck when it isn't appropriate - and it takes a p*ssy to show them that. But sometimes, p*ssies can be so full of shit that they become a*ssholes themselves... because p*ssies are an inch and half away from a*ss holes. If you don't let d*cks f*ck a*ssholes, we're going to have our d*cks and p*ssies all covered in sh*t!
 young bradley and young Keir O'Donnell
Ew gross dad
Elise Robertson
I ought to wash your mouth out with soap honey
clint eastwood
Plus he totally said the truth about america and the truth ain't pretty so let's re-edit with some bullsh*t line which is just a hardcore way to say with great power comes great responsibility
ben reed
Ugh! Not that bullsh*t spiderman sorry a*ss speech again c'mon the speech isn't even that bad a*ss okay fine *rolls eyes*
There are sheep, wolves and sheepdogs in this world which one are you
young bradley
a sheep dog?
ben reed
What ever
narrator
next young bradley sees his little brother young Keir O'Donnell having his a*ss handed to him
young bradley
OMG a wolf?
doomed bully
No I'm just a small time bully I'm not a w......
young bradley
WOOOOOLF!!!!(Opens a can of whoopa*ss and viciously beats the bully to sh*t)
bradley cooper
So spiderman got his inspiration from hunting down an uncle killer, batman got his from league of shadow ninjas and I'm getting mine from kicking a kids a*ss on a play ground? Is this a metaphor for what america does to the middle east and africa?
ben reed
haha violent loser tendencies that's my boy, just a few racial comments and my boy would become a full blooded texan yeehaw
narrator
brad grows up to be a violent no count loser( surprise surprise) who rides bulls for a living
bradley cooper
Oh I'm a typical pre-superhero low life who has no compass for his life, wonder how my life can get any worse
(he goes home and finds a guy b*ning his chicks brains out)
bradley cooper
WOLF?!
doomed adulterer
no actually she didn't tell me she had a man so she's the wolf
skank girlfriend
Well you are a douche boyfriend that sex starves me and push me to any dude that buys me a beer so you are the wolf
bradley cooper
man f*ck this wolf business I need to knucklize someone tonight but I don't hit women( I only shoot'em in the brain) so unlucky dude that's gonna be you
narrator
bradley kicks the adulterer's a*ss around, then he does it again and kicks him out of his house of course with some knuckle sandwich to take home
bradley cooper
Oh no I've no idea what to do with my life
tv advert
Are you a no count loser?
bradley cooper
Yes
tv advert
Are you looking for an excuse to murder a f*ckton of people?
bradley cooper
Like yea
tv advert
Do you like to fight wars that make no sense?
bradley cooper
Oh my God I do
tv advert
then this is your lucky day join the american military today
audience
Oh my God did you just rip-off that katy perry video where she joined the army because her boyfriend cheated on her
clint eastwood
Good idea maybe I will rip off the boot-camp montage from the video and rip-off the richard gere/black dude stunt from officer and a gentle man while I'm at it
narrator
⁠bradley visits a US navy office and talks with the recruiter
bradley cooper
Ahem so I hear y'all putting up a team of murderers mind if I join your flock? fawgeve ma "corny" country attitude I'm texan and proud you see
Navy recruiter
Here's a pamphlet for the US SEAL programme you'll be doing some endurance exercises and some swimming
bradley cooper
Well I aint doing no swimming, we don't do no swimming back in texas so I don't do no swimming I'm texan ya hear?
navy recruiter
Oh well US navy seals is not for everybody
bradley cooper
Well I'll be damned I aint everybody I'm a rooting tooting marks red neck cowboy and I'ma cap me some A-rab brains because I love ma country terrible much and that tears me up something fierce partner(spits in trash can) so I'ma do this here navy SEALs programme thank very much
navy recruiter
reverse psychology works everytime
bradley cooper
Howdy there! I'm here to join em navy SEAL programme
 Leonard Roberts
The f*ck grandpa don't you think you are a little too late for that?
bradley cooper
Ha! I'm immune to your insults my douche dad ben reed prepared me for this sh*t ,I'm insult proof

narrator
⁠
⁠then we see bradley getting ready to be the american sniper by lying on some luxury beach with a river washing over him ,carrying logs over a river,getting blasted with a f*cking hose and basically just being around a lot of rivers
 Leonard Roberts
*barking* any of you thirsty
bradley cooper
Yes sir
drill sergeant
*barking* okay here you go grandpa(unleashes the whole of kanji dam on bradley's face)
bradley cooper
*barking* thank you sir may I have another For my alzeimers pills?
 Leonard Roberts
(Over acting) oh my God we have been searching for the harda*ss recruit who is not scared of getting wet oh we don't see people like you around here much #Respect
chris evans
Seriously even my captain america training was more interesting
generic drill sergeant
Time for some marksmanship evaluation
bradley cooper
Yea I shot and killed a deer once like a billion years ago that makes me an expert at this
 Leonard Roberts
Now rule number one keep one eye closed when using a long ranged rifle
bradley cooper
What about two eyes you might need the other eye to watch the hostile behind you, like a f*cking goat
 Leonard Roberts
You dare challenge my teachings? I shall lose my sh*t over such a mundane issue now drop on the floor and gimme 50
bradley cooper
(Proofs his badassery by Shooting an innocent snake) boo yuh!
generic drill sergeant[\b]
(Muttering) lil mr know it all(walks away)
[b]bradley cooper
Yee haw I just got into the navy SEAL and humiliated a black man now time to celebrate the way the red necks do it ;HEAD UNTO A BAR TO DRINK AND VOMIT AND PISS MYSELF because.......... Discipline can eat a d*ck
narrator
bradley heads into a pub where he meets Sienna Miller being a b*tch to every dude that approaches her Somehow this turns him on
bradley cooper
Howdy you ol cactus flower want me to buy you a drink?
Sienna Miller
Navy SEAL yuk! I hate them
bradley cooper
Why because they keep their army wives on their toes and subject them to early single motherhood/widowhood?
Sienna Miller
No because my sister dated one and he cheated on her
bradley cooper
Haha funny really what's your reason? Ugh! Really that's it?
clint eastwood
Ran into a wall there you can edit the script if you like
Sienna Miller
Anyway I hate navy SEALS and I don't wanna have anything to do with them so now let's do some shots so I can get st*pidly drunk and you can have your way with me
bradley cooper
well I was gonna roofy you up and date r*pe you, but this plan is a lot better,of course it has to be a cinnamon fire from 2006 even though this movie back dates to 2001
clint eastwood
Yea just wanted to add a lil science fiction just to spice things up so time travelling is allowed
narrator
then sienna miller gets sh*tfaced which kills the vibe and bradley has to cope with every guys nightmare PLAYING DOCTOR OVER BLUE BALLS
sienna miller
Oh lawd you took care of me when I st*pidly got drunk how romantic definitely a love story I'm gonna tell my kids I wanna be your widow
narrator
anyway for the sake of progress she hurriedly drops her guard and f*cking marries bradley[/b]
sienna miller
⁠oh wedding night so amazing
bradley cooper[\b]
Yea I'm having fun
[b]audience
we aint
US marine
well you are in luck america has launched a super meaningless war against iraq and bradley is required to go there to shoot some heads
bradley cooper
Time to progress with the story after this pointless flashback hoorah!
⁠bradley cooper
(Back in the present) wow! Fun times she wrote so where was I? (Blows kid's brains out)
narrator
female suicide bomber picks up the grenade and chases after the military convoy
bradley cooper
Two-in-one? Sh*t must be my lucky day(blows her head off too) yawn! Time to head back to base
To be continued.....

seankafor:
Just like olumpus has fallen, battlesip, white house down, pls can anyone help me with names of movies that showcase full war hardwares
... I ve been hearing drones in media but its only in 24 season 9 that i saw how dangerous drones can be especially when hacked.

james bond and mission impossible

narrator[\b]
[b]andrew lazaar and peter morgan are sharing a bong
andrew lazaar high on reefer
*cough* *cough* grrrrr! I want an oscar real baaaaaaaaad!
peter morgan high on reefer
So why don't you shoot a slave movie like everybody else I hear that's how people get oscars these days
quentin tarantino
The slave-trend quota in hollywood has been filled buddie go find another lazy concept to board
andrew lazaar high on reefer
What about a movie about the days of segregation? When white dudes were even bigger jerks to black people
david oyelowo
Ahem! Oga park well o!
peter morgan high on reefer
Uh man what can we shooot?
andrew lazaar high on reefer
Hey how about a movie based of the life of everyones favourite war hero chris kyle?
peter morgan high on reefer
Chris who now?
andrew lazaar high on reefer
Chris kyle you know? That dude that killed 255 people in iraq
peter morgan high on reefer
a serial killer in the most controversial and unjustified military occupation ever been portrayed as a hero? Hells yea let's make that
andrew lazaar high on reefer
Yea man let get spielberg to direct it, perhaps people might eat this bullsh*t up like they did for private ryan
peter morgan high on reefer
brilliant
steven spielberg
Oh you want me to do a war movie? Okay I'll just get my dinosaurs ready
andrew lazaar high on reefer
No no dinosaurs in iraq
steven spielberg
Okay then I'll get my shark ready
andrew lazaar high on reefer
No sharks in this one spielberg
steven spielberg
What about big belly aliens with enormous heads?
andrew lazaar high on reefer
No
steven spielberg
Okay then I bet I'll deceive everyone with an ensemble cast like I did in schindlers list
andrew lazaar high on reefer
Nope
steven spielberg
Then what the f*ck do I get to do in this movie?
andrew lazaar high on reefer
How about you do some real directing this time steven?
steven spielberg
Real directing? How do they spell that? Sorry doesn't exist in my vocabulary You know what? I'll pass
chris nolan
Hey I can do it
andrew lazaar high on reefer
Yea right! When we need a director to give the audience a headache and make an aspirin company a sh*t ton of dollars, we'll give you a call
clint eastwood
I'll do it, nothing like a super violent movie to give you a good b*ner
andrew lazaar high on reefer
Okay you are hired so now who do we get as lead actor
bradley cooper
I'll do it
andrew lazaar high on reefer
Anyone?
bradley cooper
Oh pick me pick me oh pick me
andrew lazaar high on reefer
Mathew McConaughey?
mathew McConaughey
Haven't recovered from chris nolan's latest headache interstellar
andrew lazaar high on reefer
Leonardo you up for it?
leonardo dicaprio
Do I get to curse every 1.5 seconds, drink a lot of booze and sniff a ton of crack and f*ck countless number of hookers while insulting the american currency in this movie?
andrew lazaar high on reefer
Are you kidding? chris kyle is a broke navy seal who used to be a ranch dude
leonardo caprio
In that case NO
bradley cooper
Ahem
tobey maguire
I'll do it
bradley cooper
(Waving a tyre iron)
what you say?
tobey maguire
(Scurries off)
bradley cooper
So we were saying?
andrew lazaar high on reefer
Dude I'm not going to hire a dude that played a racoon in his last movie
bradley cooper
I'll pay you for it
andrew lazaar high on reefer
Why didn't you say so? Free labour no american can refuse that,You're hired!
narrator
Iraq, its Bradley Cooper's first mission and he is perched on a rooftop, scoping out the path of a US military convoy through his sniper rifle.
Yea man my first assignment I'm so excited I get to kill people and not get prosecuted for it this is the life
(He sees a man on a rooftop talking on a cell phone)
what's this? a generic arab terrorist with permission to kill? My day just got better
marine buddie
Slow down brad he may just be some arab trey songz singing birthday sex to his girlfriend
bradley cooper
Yea just happens to be doing that on a rooftop while watching an american military convoy
marine buddie
Dude we totally blew up their communication towers its a surprise they can even make phone calls right now
bradley cooper
Well tough t*tty he is arab he is suspicious that's good enough for me..... where the f*ck did he go? damn it my first lost!
marine buddie
Wo! Check out the booty on that arab chick downstairs walking towards the convoy
bradley cooper
lekwa! 17,18,19............ oh sh*t she's totally a terrorist and has handed the grenade over to her kid
command center
If that kid is innocent killing him will hook you up to a lifetime supply of prison r*pe so be careful
bradley cooper
Oh my God the dilemna I either let my fellow american soldiers die or I kill an innocent kid..........okay you know what screw it I can't even sell suspense on this sh*t the kid is obviously holding a grenade time to burst a cap in his brain
Ahem! Just to show everyone that I'm not some kind of sick f*ck who enjoys shooting people in the head,I shall now take you to some sort of disclaimer flashback.
To be continued.....

james franco
haha thank God the cameras weren't turned off this way i can show the world that i was wearing a bullet proof vest the whole time
audience
And where did you get a bullet proof vest?
audienceII
Can anyone really take a point blank shot with no consequence just because he is wearing a bullet proof vest?
audienceIII
What if he chose to shoot you in the head?
audienceIV
Did the paranoid korean soldiers actually find this bullet proof vest with you and not freak out?
audienceV
If you could conceal a bullet proof vest why couldn't you conceal a f*cking ricin strip?
audienceVI
Shouldn't you have given your bullet proof vest to seth rogen all this time since he is the one that had to smuggle a missile up his butt and is currently playing cannibal with hungry koreans?
james franco[\b]
uh, would you look at the time thanks for watching my show james franco signing out where's my puppy?
[b]narrator
meanwhile diana is shooting the f*ck out of her fellow korean soldiers just because they were trying to open a door
diana bang
wow i f*cked seth rogen and i'm already betraying my country? i wonder what i would have done if i f*cked someone like idris elba now time for my anti-randall faction to get activated and over power the military, ANTI-RANDALL FACTION UNITE
(a dude shows up)now the team is complete let's match forth to victory
seth rogen
you are facing the fourth largest army in the world and your only ally is a receptionist with an ak-47 rifle? i think we have over stayed our welcome, have fun with another war america caused
james franco
yea gimme the puppy lets head home to an america which has probably been nuked thanks to me

randall park
i can't believe james embarrassed me like that on tv why did he do that?
korean soldier
because he was honey d*cking you
randall park
honey d*cking? a few minutes ago he didn't have sh*t to say almost like he was asked to betray me, you know this honey d*cking/potting business is beginning to confuse everyone.
korean soldier
What's even weird is how we are minutes away from the movies climax and still no one has seen you be a jerk all you've been is likeable,hospitable and fun
randall park
holy cow you're right! Time to be a total jerk er.......let's see I'm gonna shoot you in the butt hole and if y'all are counting this should be the 5th-100th joke we are making about butt holes
korean soldier II
Sir your death awaits
randall park
What?!
korean soldierII
I mean james franco escaped
randall park
The f*ck?! Ready my chopper and arm my nukes
korean soldierII
Arm your nukes?
randall park
Yea that's right just because one dude got me to sh*t my pants on live tv I shall arm my nukes and fire them anywhere belle face because I'm crazy you see?
lizzy caplan
sitting on my hands hoping a tiger can hop out of nowhere and eat the nuclear missiles
seth rogen
That's it? Don't you have a spy that can stop the launch or a drone that can detonate the nukes in pyongyang or on transit instead?
lizzy caplan
I can pray the missiles hit a tuscan during transit will that work?
seth rogen
oh God we are doomed
narrator
the trio escape with a rusty old tank which surprisingly still works and james knows how to drive thanks to his one ride with randall even though he was outside the whole time, they are being chased by two suvs and a chopper above them with randall in it what a cliche climax
seth rogen
that's right I have the creative mind of a Playgroup pupil
randall park
fire at the tank
narrator
the chopper fires at the tank but it conveniently hits the two suvs behind the tank even though the tank made no effort to dodge the missile
audience
Care to explain
james franco
Well the tank is made of adamantium
stan lee
Ahem! That lame concept has already been occupied buddie
james franco
Fine I guess I have no explanations then
diana bang
Kill randall
james franco
Kill him? I thought violence was not the answer besides the people no longer believe in him shouldn't there at least be one positive message in this bullsh*t movie?
diana bang
F*ck that sh*t let's kill him
seth rogen
But we don't know how to load the missiles and randall is too busy arming his nukes he doesn't seem to give a sh*t about us anymore
diana bang
Less reasoning more random violence
randall park
oh the missiles missed the tank! ehn who gives a f*ck? position the chopper at the tanks target range then fire the nukes in 3,2......... oh sh*t the tanks is firing at my chopper why are there even missiles in that rusty old tank how does it not accidentally detonate its not exactly chilling in the tank(gets blown to sh*t)
diana bang
ok guys go through this tunnel that will take you away from north korea and lead you to north korea i hope no north korean soldiers are waiting for you out there now if you excuse me i have to go murder the rest of the kim family so that power falls in my hands i mean so that power doesn't fall in the wrong hands goodbye seth and franco
seth rogen
Good bye diana(shakes her hand)
james franco
really? At the start of the film you didn't mind kissing a dude not to mention you guys totally had sex a few minutes ago now you wanna be quirky and cute?
seth rogen
Yeah you're right let's kiss passionately with angry koreans on our tail
narrator
they come out of the tunnel
seth rogen
holy sh*t is more north korean soldiers
navy seals
no its just US navy seals because there's an entire unit of asian navy seals and we tracked you with this watch you are wearing because it totally has a transmitter that is always activated
seth rogen
so how did you know we were passing this tunnel?
james franco
and why did you guys charge at us like a couple of dementos?
navy seals
just shut up and get on the boat that's right our escape plan is a boat because the north korean coast guards won't be on alert to watch out for us hurry get on the boat but first lizzy caplan wants to speak to james franco who didn't smuggle a missile in his a*ss and fight to keep the tv transmission on
james franco
Hey lizzy!
lizzy caplan
OMG! It was a success this is what we shall be doing now rather than military invasions, we shall send journalists to humiliate world leaders and murder them afterwards now hurry back your next assignment should you choose to accept is west african leaders
GEJ
gulp!
seth rogen
I know our case is hopeless and there's no way we are leaving north korea alive but lets just play happy songs so the audience don't realize how f*cked up we are and we shall blame the whole kim murder and mutiny on diana bang because you know how we americans are, we don't take responsibility for our sh*t
james franco
and how will you blame diana for what she didn't start?
seth rogen
honey potting
james franco
cool that cool that so how will the movie go from here will the world take us seriously? will there be any retracts from your buddie in 90minutes or those comedians who were mocking me earlier?
seth rogen
- Well you'll get to publish your tell all which will meticulously describe your involvement in kim's murder as well as the CIA's involvement even though they didn't want their involvement known in the first place
- then I shall be seen looking serious in a tv studio with my fingers magically re-attached I guess that scene shall answer all the questions concerned with the after directions of our crappy show
james franco
What about the korean people?
- Will they finally eat something?
- will they be free from tyranny and oppression?
- will the concerntration camps be destroyed?
-will they simply smile and wave at the both of us who blatantly murdered their president?
seth rogen
Well we could give them skype? No other thing screams prosperity like skype and social media
And oh lizzy is nuts for you for no reason now
lizzy caplan
that's right guys i'm a helpless slut again because f*ck feminism every woman needs a man
AMC
what da f*ck? so you spent 75 million dollars on this crappy movie?
seth rogen
of course we did the horrible CGI and actors weren't for free you know?
AMC
and what is your plan with this movie?
seth rogen
i'm hoping to liberate the korean people with this masterpiece
AMC
let me get this straight so the korean people will be liberated by a movie(in english language) that forces american pop-culture on the koreans with the north korean norms and culture being in nowhere in the movie,then showcase their leader with so much charisma and kindness after which he is humiliated and murdered by americans from the third most hated country in the world? good luck with that mate but i ain't showing this sh*t in my cinemas though
seth rogen
why? are you scared that north korea will take action against like a thousand cinemas that will show this movie?
AMC
no i don't want a riot in my cinemas by moie viewers that want a refund and i don't want AMC to remind everyone of that crappy movie seth rogen did thereby killing my good business so f*ck off
seth rogen
OMG we spent so much money on this movie what are we going to do
AMC
you could force people to watch it by claiming that north korea threatens terrorist actions against americans who watch this movie and the catch phrase for your marketing campaign should be your freedom of speech is at stake if you don't watch this movie
seth rogen
that sounds like a good idea
AMC
i'm being sarcastic
seth rogen
time to hire guardians of peace to hack into sony servers i'm off
sony
Yes you do that
narrator
sony meets with nicholas stoller
sony
So seth rogen has made mockery of satirical comedy, he writes sh*t and expects people to watch it and one advantage he has is that he doesnot mind flushing sony's money down the toilet its been 3 f*cking projects so far 3 and this is the worst of them all, we are actually begging people to watch it for free
nicholas stoller
Why are you telling me all these?
sony
Because you are going to be on set with seth rogen for neighbours 2 congratulations anyway we would like to use this opportunity to take him out
nichollas stoller
What?
sony
Don't do the whole what do you mean by take him out routine from the interview cause I know you understand me clearly
End

james franco
hey guys i came to ruin the mood with my rage, i hate randall so much where's that ricin strip i am so gonna shake the f*ck out of his hand so he can sh*t his pants and die all because of #FakeMart
diana bang
what?
james franco
what the f*ck is she doing here lets kill her
seth rogen
she is one of the legendary anti randall faction she is on our side
james franco
dude that only happens in james bond flicks what makes you think she was not sent here to fake her "change of heart" as a way to spy on us?
seth rogen
because i wrote the f*cking story genius
diana bang
and north koreans are very st*pid there's no way there could be clever enough to launch that kind of plan
seth rogen
so how do we kill him?
diana bang
no we shouldn't kill him haven't you americans learnt from libya and iraq? killing him won't solve anything instead let's............... make him cry his eyes out and sh*t his pants? what the hell will that achieve?
seth rogen
that way the koreans will hate him and democracy will reign automatically get it? okay fine i know i can't sell that but its the best i can come up with and we are desperately looking for a laugh here we don't want the audience dwelling on the fact that america f*cked up iraq and libya real nice that's bad for market
diana bang
*rolling eyes* whatever looks like we need guns for that
james franco
O_o okay so don't kill randall but kill the innocent people who are only following orders? Sucks to be korean right now
seth rogen
speaking of guns I've got a 8=========D with your name on it
diana bang.
(Holds back barf) yea right more like 8=D
narrator
seth dry humps the sh*t out of diana to the utter disgust of the audience
james franco
you ready?
seth rogen
yea i just had sex and i was thinking about randall the whole time wait that didn't come out right
james franco
i love you man lets kiss and make up and go sacrifice our lives for the freedom of the koreans because americans are the good guys
seth rogen
even though we are here because we want to be taken seriously and we want to kill randall because he has nuclear missiles that can reach america
diana bang
and you also killed charles rahi chun but i shall gladly sweep that under the carpet now lets go its show time
narrator
next we are subjected to a montage of randall getting ready for his interview
seth rogen
and let us shoot it the same way we shot danny mcbrides first appearance in this is the end because we have run out of ideas
and make sure you get a shot of his a*ss that is the money shot right there
randall park
now i shall just slip a gun in my ankle holster just in case franco asks any dumb questions and doesn't follow the script
steven spielberg
may be i should have done that to julia roberts on the set of hook
korean soldier
rather than shooting the interview on live tv shouldn't we record the interview and broadcast an edited version?
randall park
DO NOT QUESTION MY GEEEEEEEENIUS!!!!
narrator
james walks in
randall park
hi james guess what? i got you this dog from the set of this is the end (because we aren't even trying anymore)
james franco
oh holy good f*ck I love it alright lets begin the interview
how are you randall?
randall park
fine
james franco
how old are you?
randall park
i'm 40 years old which is weird since the real kim jong is in his 30s
viewers around the world
this is so boring why isn't james asking questions that can aggravate such an unpredictable person that can burst a cap in his chest
james franco
alright f*cking around is over why are you starving your people?
randall park
er i don't think you wanna go there james
james franco
oh yes i do 16 million of your people are living in poverty
randall park
well george bush did cancel our bilateral trade agreement with south korea and labelled us a rogue state so almost everyone turns their back on us so what's your excuse for 45.3million american people living in poverty? way more than north koreas by the way
james franco
45.3? I mean haha this isn't about me now but you get handouts of the united nations but why are your people still starving
george w bush jnr
haha the old american city shuffle you give'em UN aid with our right hand and slap them harsh economic sanction with our left hand classic
james franco
get the f*ck outta here george! Ahem why do you spend 800million dollars on nuclear weapons every year?
randall park
er because i don't wanna wake up to an american military occupation tomorrow you can relate to that right or isnt that why your government spends 19trn dollars on weapons every year ; to make their defence contractor friends happy and loyal?
james franco
why did you build #FakeMart to try and fool me?
randall park
why do american movies show prostitutes leaving in posh apartments and police detectives driving lambourghinis? of course that was only eye candy to satisfy you
james franco
now lets talk about your concentration camps(you know it would have helped to actually show a sort of CGI concentration camp?)
randall park
sure i shall talk to you about concentration camp when you talk about the 2.3 million americans you subject to puddings, expired milk and shower gangr*pe especially black people not to mention the other thousands you secretly abduct without a right to a fair trial all in the name of "terrorism"
james franco
black people like it there oops! er don't make me the enemy here what about your firing squad
randall park
well texas and a lot of conservative red states in america root for the death penalty so i don't think that should be a problem either
james franco
and you violate human rights
randall park
haha what do you think about
- your emails getting monitored
- your phone calls getting monitored
- capitalist having to dictate what you do at home and at work
-having no protesters zone for people speaking their minds
-labelled unpatriotic and condemned for not supporting your countrys regimes
james franco
Oh my God who does that?
randall park
Uh america
james franco
Hey not cool where did you get that from
randall park
The media which is also influenced by government I give you;
Operation mockingbird: CIA campaign to influence the media
Operation 25.6 million dollars a year: pay software companies to put windows in software programs and encryptions so we can monitor our citizens on social media
Operation.........
seth rogen
holy sh*t randall is saying the bitter truth about america, quick skip to commercial or some meaningless fight i'm having behind the scene
randall park
not fair why don't you guys skip to commercial when talking sh*t about other peoples country?
narrator
then seth rogen and some random asian dude start biting off fingers and sticking up butt holes with some kinda joystick
seth rogen
don't shut down the transmission even though one of the camera and lighting guys can easily turn off the camera
asian dude with joystick up his butt
but you agreed to randall's terms and you are violating it, that's not right(gets shot in the head by diana)
diana bang
he posed a threat he did nothing he was doing nothing and he was going to do nothing
seth rogen
ok that's reason enough for me now lets skip back to james and randall's interview
randall park
just admit it james you are a crappy charlie rose-esque talk show host who tried to fight a god
james franco
(sings katy perry's fire works obnoxiously)
randall park
(cries his eyes out and sh*ts his pants) oh my kryptonite a dude singing katy perry's fire works badly
james franco
why did you threaten to blow up the rest of the world
randall park
O_o dude i am randall park come on i do that all the time don't you watch the news? Besides the CIA were talking about murdering a dude in this movie who is worse off between us?
james franco
now you have sh*t your pants and cried like a baby on air i bet the korean people don't believe in you now and perhaps will start a revolution which will kill lots of them but let's just sweep that under the carpet
randall park
They will start a revolution because of an interview that was totally done in english who knows i could have been crying because of my peoples suffering man i bet my reputation will be skyrocketting by now and as for you, i have the option of seeking litigation against you for violating our agreement which everyone can bear witness to including your friends at the office and i shall bleed you out for emotional damages and if the CIA plot is revealed then score i shall have fun ragging the united states before the united nations, but instead of all that........... i shall shoot you in the chest in front of the whole world so they know just how bad sh*t crazy I really am
(shoots james in the chest and walks away with the cameras on)
To be continued..................

seth rogen
yea we probably shouldn't make light of your death scene
i apologize.......... just kidding we shall start making tasteless jokes about your impending death right from this scene how is that for insensitivity?
America
Moral of the story, tongue out to ukraine,iraq and everyone else cause we don't care about anyone else but us
signed:
american government
narrator
next seth and james are in a restaurant where they are entertained by some kids who are obviously not playing the guitar and are doing a bad job faking it,james is seated next to randall and seth is seated next to diana courtesy of the movies convenience department then Charles Rahi Chun begins to clean his gun for no reason few seconds before he begins to lose his sh*t literally
Charles Rahi Chun
oh God all that time seth and james were asking about my health i should have gone to the hospital to get checked now for no reason i shall conveniently shoot my second in command who was just as suspicious as me
narrator
he does so and it is really disgusting and uncalled for then the koreans mourn their dead Which is supposed to be funny? Seth may have some explaining to do during the directors cut.
Next james and seth are shown in randalls compound which is totally a set by the way

james franco
I'm not gonna kill randall
seth rogen
yes you are gonna kill him
korean soldiers
hmmm seth and james are arguing really loud about killing my boss but oh look according to the script i shouldn't give a f*ck and so shall it be
seth rogen
Time for an obligatory childish fight, you shall kill randall my anus shall not be violated in vain
james franco
he is my best friend and the only one that gets me
seth rogen
dude i thought i was the only one who understood you? besides since when did you become so emotionally desperate for approval,mr. smile and don't give a sh*t about what anybody says this is completely out of your character who wrote this dum...... Oh never mind
james franco
now i shall toss the poison strip into a water fountain and hope the dude cleaning the fountain doesn't find the strip and submit it to the president
randall park
hey james join me at a restaurant to mourn my bodyguard in english
james franco
of course
seth rogen
hey randall
randall park
Er who is this guy? and why is he smiling weird and stretching out his hand while walking towards me in slow motion?
seth rogen
i just wanna shake your hand so that you may die the same way your bodyguard did and we will definitely be top suspects randall park
okay any friend of james is a friend of mine
james franco
he is jewish
randall park
ew! (scurries off)
seth rogen
obligatory jewish discrminatory joke check
narrator
randall mourns his bodyguards in english
randall park
i miss them so much they've looked after me since i was a kid and now in totally unrelated terms i shall rant about how much i hate america and how much of a jerk i am of course i shall do this in english and in francos presence(quotes jeremiah wright from boondocks). motherf*ck america,motherf*ck america's mother mother f*ck america's daddy, america can eat a d*ck america can.......... Oh great why didn't anyone tell me that james is still here
james franco
er can i take a stroll?
randall park
after hearing me sound like such a jerk? sure go unguarded have fun i just hope you don't stumble on my fake supermarket
narrator
james franco stumbles upon the fake supermarket
james franco
what da? so they had the time to build an outside structure but no time to stock the shop wow that's really childish or shall I say seth rogen-ish (flips through script) randall is all they say he is afterall he is a drug dealer an arms dealer, a r*pist, a terrorist and i know this because i just found his #FakeMart hey that sounds good lemme tweet it real quick
narrator
meanwhile seth gets a visit from diane
diana bang
hi i am here to go over some last minute details for the show why are you holding your hand open?
seth rogen
because i have a ricin strip poison on my palm
diana bang
haha you are so funny i thought you were going to make another m*staurbation joke
seth rogen
i think we have filled our m*sturbation quota for the day
diana bang
oh you are so funny can we bump pelvics?
Seth rogen
What?!
diana bang
We koreans have a fetish for fat american panda looking motherf*ckers
seth rogen
i probably should go take off the ricin strip in the bathroom or something but on the otherhand sex! lets have handless sex like that is possible
diana bang
oh my mood is ruined
seth rogen
why? because you are feeling guilty for being a propagandist in a totalitarian dictatorship(which you shouldn't expose to pure strangers by the way)
diana bang
no because i thought my career will take off on a more promising base not f*cking seth rogen in one of his boring movies that have no direction and depends heavily on filthy and offensive jokes
To be continued.....

narrator
they reach randall's personal security who picks up the gum pack in 2 seconds of their arrival
Charles Rahi Chun
Hey what's this?
james franco
It's er gum?
Charles Rahi Chun
Actually it looks like poison(sniffs it) it smells like poison(chews it) it even tastes like poison and your cringing isn't doing you both any favours but you know what? I believe ya! F*ck your chewing gum americans yuk!
seth rogen
I learnt this from james bond whenever you walk into a hotel scan for any microphones let's use our multipurpose wrist watches which the koreans were too dumb to notice
james franco
Ok no microphone that means we are out of danger no cameras or eavesdropping soldiers will be paying attention to us
Charles Rahi Chun
That's right we koreans are very paranoid that's why we shall be placing you two in adjoining suites and place no cameras or surveillance equipments in the room so you can plot my bosses death without interference
seth rogen
Hello agent lizzy james franco put his ricin strip in a pack of gum and  Charles Rahi Chun just ate it
james franco
Why the hell did you tell her that? its going to be extremely difficult to f*ck her now damn!
seth rogen
Yea right like all the dumb sh*t you've been saying throughout the movie isn't a turn-off already
lizzy caplan
Hang on tight I will send another ricin strip seth you are the expendable one here go put on the darkest clothes you just so happen to have brought along in your little travel pack and go outside to
Retrieve the package
seth rogen
Why me can't you pick a soldier from your anti randall faction to pick up the package?
james franco
Is there any part of this movie where we actually sleep because we've been on an over 12 hour journey plus jet lag?
narrator
then america sends out a drone (which is big enough to bring food to the starving korean people they claim to give a sh*t about) to carry a poison to commit murder and further plunge north korea into chaos, seth goes to retrieve the package and a siberian tiger comes out to retrieve a snack
siberian tiger
Wait so we are supposed believe that there are wild animals in the presidents back yard?
seth rogen
Well em*smacks* let's just say you are er the presidents pet tiger he uses to kill dissidents/spies
siberian tiger
Hmmm good idea alright why am I not attacking you already?
seth rogen
Because we are waiting for a metal d*ldo to strike you dead
siberian tiger
Metal d*ldo what metal (gets struck by the package which should have been smaller by the way)
seth rogen
Phew! I've the package
lizzy caplan
Thank God for a second I was hoping you and the package get eaten by the tiger to conceal any evidence of espionage and then we would have to rely on james STD to kill randall
seth rogen
What?
lizzy caplan
(Changes topic) hey seth there are korean soldiers charging towards you hide the package
seth rogen
But where should I hide it
james franco
Hide it in your butt
dead tiger
Hide it in your butt my blood will lubricate it
lizzy caplan
Hey I'm a cunt who has tried a*al before the tip is the hardest as soon as you pass the tip you get an org*sm so hide it in your butt
d*ldo shaped package
Yea hide me in your a*ss it so happens that I look like a p*nis so hide me in your butt you haven't got a lot of time you know?
narrator
seth hides a 12 inch metallic thingy in his butt in 2 seconds just in time before the korean army snatch him and search the f*ck out of him
seth rogen
Hey why did you strip me n*ked?
Charles Rahi Chun
Because we are north korean we have no respect for human rights in korea your d*ck is my d*ck well good thing we've respect for peoples anus so you're free to go we will certainly not keep close watch on you guys after your suspicious tiger fight night stroll infact we shall be calling our supreme leader to meet with you in a moment
james franco
And we are still not getting any naps weird!
randall park
Hi franco I'm the supreme leader of north korea
james franco
What da f*ck?now we have a dude that looks nothing like kim jong? Everything about this movie sucks
randall park
Well I heard I was the only guy they auditioned for this role they said I was a natural
james franco
Even ricki yun would have made a better kim jong than you damn! Alright what's up next?
randall park
Well seeing as this movie has no character development or direction, we shall go do some bonding in a forest whitaker james mcavoy last king of scotland kinda way
narrator
they engage in all kinds of seth rogen movie stuff like riding amoured tanks, making homophobic jokes, making more butt hole jokes and of course doing drugs and f*cking korean chicks
audience
Wow couldn't you guys at least ask around about kim jongs true personality? C'mon this kim is just a frat boy with asian accent its even worse than "the dictator"
narrator
meanwhile seth rather than having his a*ss interrogated by soldiers, he is shown into a secret broadcast room which will be totally controlled by koreans
diana bang
So as you can see our kick-a*ss studio has all the engineers and equipment to make a good show which begs the question, why are you even here with franco? What's your use in this movie?
seth rogen
Because I'm the f*cking writer now apologize to me by praising my work
diana bang
I loooooooove! How clever you americans are with your sexual innuendos I mean miley cyrus camel toe v*gina is totally awesome and not perverted in anyway you americans are so intelligent I love you and I want my country to be like yours
seth rogen
Okay okay a*ss kissing is over time for lunch
james franco
Hey seth
seth rogen
How was randall?
james franco
He was wonderful and so awesome he is coconuts for katy perry
seth rogen
what?! There was a radio in his tank and in your watch didn't cause the radio to make that boom boom sound?!
james franco
Dude its a seth rogen movie not valkyrie stop trying not to make it silly okay as I was saying, we both talked about how disappointed our fathers were with us on their death beds we talked about how everyone thinks we are morons and oh we also scored with korean chicks you know what? I don't think I wanna murder him anymore
seth rogen
F*ck you man of course you are going to kill him he is honey d*cking you,
you see honey dicking is for the guys while honey potting is for the ladies
james franco
How is he honey d*cking me?
seth rogen
He is showing you what you want to see and telling you what you want to hear so you both can make a fake bond
james franco
So he doesn't really need approval from his late father and he doesn't like katty perry songs and he rented those cars
seth rogen
No all those are true everything else (which is nothing) is false
james franco
So how was your day?
seth rogen
Oh it was wonderful I spent it with diana who said I was clever and super talented
james franco
Hmmm you are non of that so I think she was honey potting you
seth rogen
Well she is an ally
james franco
How do you know that?
seth rogen
Because I wrote the script
james franco
Not fair how come your korean friend is good while mine is the bad guy?
Charles Rahi Chun
Hey american dudes that are always arguing in low suspicious tones, you are invited for a dinner party where I shall meet my horrific and unjustified demise which you insensitive f*cks will struggle to make fun of
seth rogen
Unjustified?
Charles Rahi Chun
I mean I'm just following orders like richard nixon and jim crowe's bodyguards and who knows I could even be part of that anti-randall faction

To be continued

seth rogen
(Back at new york)
Franco we can't interview this guy because he is going to be answering his own questions which does not allow for freedom of the press which america is in support of by the way
james franco
Wait so you are trying to tell me that oprah or pierce morgan don't rehearse questions with their guests before interviews? Lol! I get it we are trying to sell america in this movie but isn't it a bit much? Anyway we still have to do the interview because of steak and vegetable reference, figure it out on your own
narrator
so james announces his interview with randall park and the whole of america is amused and angry about it
american presenter
James is interviewing a man whose people are starving (ofcourse we americans totally have nothing to do with that), he tortures his people and violates their human rights which we totally don't do in america
seth rogen
America is mad at us piss and moan
james franco
Anus joke number 1 haha because that's all this movie will focus on buttholes and homophobic remarks, anyway (drops ecstacy in seth's mouth) time for an obligatory drug party
narrator
they have a drug party and totally get wasted which is a good idea especially with seth rogen whining about the world taking them seriously,the following day lizzy caplan shows up at the door
seth rogen
Hey we aren't interviewing side kicks in chick flicks anymore now f*ck off
lizzy caplan
No you don't understand I'm not a cameo I'm actually a top CIA agent
seth rogen
O_o really? I guess its not only my stories and acting chops that suck a*ss I guess my cast directing is also terrible anyway come in
james franco
Yea just in time for me to joke about how I probably f*cked a chick with yeast infection and ruin guacamole for everyone
lizzy caplan
So I heard you shall be doing an interview with randall park @ his CGI home and I will like to use this opportunity to assassinate him
Oh gosh! This is so unrealistic so a CIA agent will reveal herself and order the assassination of one of earth's most powerful and the most controversial men to non other than two moronic journalists? But anyway whatever pays the bills
seth rogen
Why are you asking journalists to do your wet work? what happened to your usual ways you know? Sponsor insurgency, cause instability then swoop in to occupy the country and drag their leader before an international bias court which will in turn sentence him to death?
lizzy caplan
Unjustified military occupation is not on the countrys budget this year getting two *diots to kill him is way cheaper, besides there's a faction of his administration that want him gone
seth rogen
I don't think that means they want him dead lizzy
lizzy caplan
So what do you suggest?
seth rogen
How about we turn him into a lama toss in out into town and make him open his eyes to humility
lizzy caplan
We don't have a lama transformation potion
seth rogen
How about we cut off his hair and dump his a*ss in newyork so he can work in a disgusting grocery store among refugees and become humble through that process
lizzy caplan
Jesus what bullsh*t movie was that?
seth rogen
O_o the dictator was an awesome movie which made more money than this crap-fest
Anyway my point is that perhaps what randall park needs is reasoning and not a bullet to the head
james franco
Sure I'll kill him it can't be that hard and it shouldn't take too long long and hard get it? lizzy. seth rogen
Er..... Dude are you seriously getting a b*ner right now?!
james franco
Why are you so desperate to see my p*nis?
seth rogen
When seth runs out of jokes, seth goes deep and dirty now show me your p*nis
james franco
Oh God did you see lizzy? Oh man she's got glasses ,big t*ts and a voice like a sex line operator she's the whole package
seth rogen
Dude you do realize she is honey potting you right?
james franco
Honey pot?
seth rogen
That's a new slang I'm hoping 12 year old kids who just stumbled upon p*rn will be using just like they did with twerking, honey potting is when someone is actually seducing you into doing some dangerous sh*t that can get your a*ss killed
james franco
C'mon this is the 21st century women don't do that anymore
seth rogen
You mean women don't use fashionable glasses and push up bras and sexy voices to seduce men into commitment nowadays? Yea they sure don't do that anymore anyway let's drop in my obligatory m*sturbation joke and call it a day, then we can talk about whether or not we wanna assassinate this guy
narrator
next seth and franco and given a grand invitation to langley into their secret training centre where they shall plot randall parks assassination really? Journalists?
seth rogen
dude! I thought we were going to talk about killing randall or not
james franco
Oh yea we were supposed to have that discussion but hey its a 90minute movie let the audience connect the dots themselves,don't worry it will be like argo only this will have even more un-inspiring lead actors, so how are we gonna kill this mother f*cker
lizzy caplan
You shall be assassinating him by using this ricin strip which you shall apply to your hand and shake hands with the president by 12 hours tops a healthy man will demonstrate signs of diarrhoea, cholera and epilepsy before dying a painful and horrific death
seth rogen
Em I thought poisons were supposed to cause cardiac arrest which is less suspicious if he dies the way you mentioned wouldn't that raise some eye brows especially with how koreans are said to be as paranoid as f*ck?
james franco
Yea that death sounds a bit too unsatisfactory, I bet even the audiences are getting bored, let's do some spoilers to tantalize them a bit, can I kill randall in a rather more graphic way?
lizzy caplan
no
james franco
Can I challenge his soldiers into a full scale gun fire vs girly screams war?
lizzy caplan
No
james franco
Can I be rescued by super badass and invisible navy seals?
lizzy caplan
no
james franco
Can I write a book about it then?
lizzy caplan
Look! You are going to north korea and you shall assassinate the president (of a country whose secret service assassins almost killed a man with a ballistic fountain pen last 2 year) with a 14 year old ricin strip plot device we stole from spy games and season 2 of 24 and that is final
james franco
you are kidding right?!
lizzy caplan
Of course I am you hear that r*pists in the 21st century when women say no they actually mean yes
Now for a test demonstration
(Franco f*cks it up)
One try and you have failed? Perfect you are ready for your mission now proceed to Q-branch where you would receive another 20 year old gadget from action man cartoon series and a bag to hide our obvious poison which koreans will be dumb enough not to find
And oh more spoilers franco randall shall manipulate you and seth you shall fight a tiger have fun!
james franco
This bag is so ugly I shall put the ricin strip in an unsealed pack of gum
seth rogen
F*ck no man carry the ugly bag
james franco
Randall park is a fan which means that he knows I'm fashion conscious that's why I shall not be carrying this bag but instead I shall carry this really ugly non-name brand wrist watch Why don't you carry the ugly bag and hide the poison?
seth rogen
Actually why isn't any CIA handlers coming along with us as technical staff or something? But you know what? Details aren't important. Alright fine keep the f*cking poison in the pack of gum let's hope security doesn't search it along with our intestines and rectums
narrator
they arrive at pyogyang and after james gives another embarrassing and so not funny speech they head for randall parks CGI residence with diana bang
diana bang
James why are you staring outside the window?
james franco
I'm conducting a census of all the hungry people in north korea I heard they have the hungriest people in this country I'm surprised they haven't launched at the car and totally munched the side mirrors
diana bang
Well contrary to what people say about korea no one is actually starving here look at that convenient fat kid placed in front of a supermarket at your side of the window
james franco
Oh one fat kid? That has automatically changed my mind, you guys aren't starving afterall and the fact that the kid is actually doing nothing but waving at the car doesn't make me the list suspicious now unto my next question is it through your president was born without an anus(butthole joke number 2) diana bang
What da f*ck how can a grown a*ss man like you believe such? I mean yea its true, its a god-like trait of his just like I heard michelle obama is the prettiest woman in the world and according to x men jfk was a mutant whose special powers was pulling down buildings with his bizarre looking head
To be continued....

Csami:
O boy! U no go like go join honest trailer dem. U don turn anti hollywood o!

sounds like fun I gats think about am

shockwave91:
Ol' boy u don cum again no make kim jun un or wateva his name is & his hackers enta naija o

shei korean hackers fit test our yahoo boys? Abi them no dey fear face?

narrator
North korea dark and grim home of poverty, hostility as well as oppression, home of untested and incompetent leader george w. bush jnrkim jong un and home of the latest inter continental ballistic missile pointing at the united states, they even marked a launch ceremony for it because violence is worth celebrating in korea
little girl
Its a good day for us in north korea God bless north korea, God bless our leader and in an unrelated topic burn america burn, may you people starve and beg for food may you people drown in blood and may your women be r*ped by black people(that's right racist jokes never get old) just like you did to libya amen
(Launches missile)
news reporter
We are dealing with a modern day hitler, in north korea minus the invasion of weak countries or the quest for world domination not even his funky soup strainer I mean if we are comparing this guy to hitler what would we call george bush that invaded two countries on credit , made america even more hated than before and almost wrecked the economy of america and the whole world Anyway..........
james franco
Hi guys you are welcome to another seth rogen movie where we are the same people who just happen to be besties with the same personality and all. So todays role playing will be; I am going to be a bullsh*t and unconvincing big shot show host
seth rogen
While I will be his producer/man servant and room mate?
audience
*rolling eyes* I hope this wouldn't be another movie where you guys
-demonstrate your friendship with really weird pervert-like statements
-get drunk,do drugs and party for no reason
-have a childish fight that tears your friendship apart for 2minutes after which you
-prophesy your love for each other at the face of death?
seth rogen
Hey guys seth rogen movie, of course that sh*t is gonna happen are you kidding?
narrator
welcome to america home of freedom and successful people and so much vibrant culture and colour where eminem can randomly say he is gay without fearing any repercussions like promoters dropping the f*ck out of him or fans boycotting his songs or even getting attacked by homophobic nut cases, because in america everyone is happy
james franco
So eminem you are gay?
eminem on acid
Yep!
james franco
Really?
eminem on acid
Really really
james franco
Just how gay are you?
eminem on acid
Let me put it this way your smile has a better chance of giving me a b*ner than megan fox giving me a lap dance with no clothes on
james franco
So when you said in your song I see nice rectum I just had a vasectomy so hector you won't get pregnant if I bisexually wreck you that meant?
eminem on acid
My career would have been over decades ago if I wrote lame lyrics like that, the f*ck who came up with that sh*t?
narrator
next james throws seth a surprise 1000 episode party where he embarrasses himself by making lame lord Of The Rings references and really weird faces at the same time,
seth bumps into his old buddie from college
old buddie from college
Hi seth
seth rogen
I'm good I have a good job reporting the news just like you
old buddie from college
Really?
seth rogen
What's that supposed to mean?
old buddie from college
My job is better than your job its more serious
seth rogen
No my job is better than yours
old buddie from college
No mine is better
seth rogen
No mine is better
old buddie from college
No mine is............ really? So we are totally gonna act like 3rd graders on a playground? oh seth when would you ever write a good movie? (walks away)
narrator
seth starts pouting like a 2 year old and james spots it a mile away
james franco
Okay why are you acting like someone shoved a d*ck down your throat?
seth rogen
I want our crappy show to compete with 90minutes and I want to be an academy award nominee like you
james franco
Mange mange give us the sh*t give us the sh*t
seth rogen
Dude why are you lifting lines from that awful movie salo?
james franco
I'm just trying to say doing crappy interviews is our niche and it will take a miracle to make you have a real acting career or an academy nomination so let's just give the people what they want
seth rogen
What da? How the f*ck does that relate to a disturbing sight of a dozen n*de teenagers eating peoples sh*t

Never mind, I want us to leave our origin and head unto a field we don't know jack sh*t about let's stop interviewing childish attention seeking entertainers and let's start interviewing liars and propagandist like that dude andrew cooper from CNN does
james franco
Hmmm maybe we can get obama to admit that his incredibly large ears are fake and we could get john kerry to chop wood in half with his enormous chin, you know what? Count me in let's get serious, and our first interview will be reclusive leader randall park who is a surprise fan of ours even though he hates everything our show stands for
seth rogen
Ok I shall just head unto the end of china to negotiate an interview
narrator
seth is attacked by rabid north korean soldiers who are high on caffeine because koreans are always hostile and act like cavemen hence the world should fear them
Signed:
America media
diana bang
(Hops out of helicopter)
Hmmmmn so a non-democratic and possibly anti-femminist regime has a lady as a high ranking north korean military officer?

Oh well you know how seth rogen always has to have a love interest in every movie to boost his low self esteem
seth rogen
I also noticed the way you stepped out of the helicopter was the exact same way that danny mcbride stepped out of that truck in this is the end we probably should change it but its a seth rogen movie so f*ck creativity or the ability to tell my movies apart
diana bang
So our supreme leader randall park has arranged for a one hour interview where he will supply the questions you have 24 hours to reply I guess I should have told you this over the phone but we koreans are very st*pid and act like illiterates I'm off

To be continued....

narrator
then daniel and judi stop at some abandoned garage
judi dench
I hope we are not hiding in that crate?
daniel craig
Of course not your car has a tracker on it that can make people find us which is what ben is actually using to set javier's trap............... U know what? Let's just skip to showing my aston martin db5
judi dench
Wait a minute! In casino royale the car was left handed why is it right handed in this movie?
daniel craig
Well that's because this is actually the aston martin from gold finger and thunderball complete with ejector seats and machine guns u knw? The whole package I bet all the bond nerds will eat this sh*t up
judi dench
So this car has been seating here for about 3 months without being oiled or worked on and its still in good condition anyway?
sam mendes
Why don't we play the bond theme perhaps that would stop the nerds from asking questions
narrator
back at MI6 ben is aiding a kidnapper with office computers and hoping no one catches on and oh rory is totally in on it too
rory kinnear
I should be totally sh*tting in my pants right now that my boss who was almost assassinated this afternoon has been kidnapped and I'm aiding that kidnapper
but no I'm just fine I'm even drinking a heinekein
ralph fiennes
What are you doing?
ben whishaw
Check it out rather using cctv cameras to track down javier, we are actually leading him to where daniel and judi went
ralph fiennes
and whose st*pid idea was that?
ben whishaw
Daniel
ralph fiennes
The same dude that caused my slinging arm you are letting him take judi somewhere totally unsafe without backup so........
rory kinnear
She can get killed and you would succeed her
ralph fiennes
Oh I see carry on
narrator
then daniel takes judi to an ancestral home which he has in this movie even though he never came from money in casino royale them think say we don forget
daniel craig
Hey guys look skyfall is the name of my ancestral home just incase anyone gives a flying f*ck
judi dench
They named this movie after a house? How does that work? And since when is james bond scottish?
sam mendes
Well I'm going to the franchise's root the novel
daniel craig
Oh really? So why am I not a racist and a chain smoker like I'm in the novel? And where the f*ck is my scottish accent?
albert finney
(Hops out of the shadows with a shotgun) where's my scottish accent?
daniel craig
And why is the obnoxious dude from harry potter in my house?
sam mendes
He's your games keeper, we wanted to get sean connery but he asked us to gaggle walrus balls so albert finney was the next best thing
daniel craig
So we haven't seen for more than ten years plus you never knew I survived and yet we are just saying hi like we just left each other five minutes ago what are you even doing in this dump? Are you amish or something?
albert finney
Of course not I'm actually selling your sh*t I'm almost done selling all your dad's guns I was about to start auctioning your mom's panties
daniel craig
Damn it just when we chose to need a gun looks like we will have to improvise and set kevin mcalister traps round the house so we can play straw dogs with these suckers
albert finney
I hardly know why you are fighting or who you are fighting or what you even do for a living but count me in
shotgun! Literary
daniel craig
(Shoots two beer cans) hi guys I can shoot again just in case anyone still gives a sh*t
narrator
next daniel and judi wait for hours?days?weeks?months? For javier's attack who knows?

daniel craig
I guess I should give you a gritty talk on how to kill like I did in quantum of solace but instead I'll go into benny hills territory and goof about my obituary(dog barks) alright this is it let's fight like we've never fought before
judi dench
f*ck! That's your plan? You know? I'm beginning to think hiding in that crate with your car in it would have been a good plan
daniel craig
That gives me an idea
bad guys
Yea we are the bad guys and we are totally raiding daniels home that's why we are walking through the front gate so that everyone including the dogs can see us thereby making our raid idea lose its element of surprise, but its cool anyway because apparently the era dumb henchmen is back
narrator
then daniel craig totally sneaks and hides in his car without them noticing even though they were totally facing the house the whole time then daniel opens fire on them
bad guy
holy sh*t that guys car just came to life like that horror movie maximum overdrive but instead of running we shall totally shoot at a car that is obviously bullet proof
narrator
daniel craig hops out of the car with a shot gun and starts killing dudes armed with assault rifles sam I bow for your law of physics
bad guys
Oh its okay there was a guy in the car the whole time Why didn't we even look in the car to be sure no one was in it?(Chops bullet)
albert finney
(Shoots two guys) welcome to scotland land of violent men who are always ready to kill without asking questions, racist joke, get it? (waddles away)
judi dench
(Murders some dude with a killer light bulb) yes! (Tries to shoot the other guy but gets shot by accident) damn it!
albert finney
(Shoots at two guys but misses) oh sh*t have to reload (bullets fall off his shaky hands)oh God I think I just sh*t myself
narrator
before albert gets shot to sh*t daniel charges in and murders the bad guys
daniel craig
Knock knock? whose there? its S-M-Gee I just sh*t my pants get it? Bond humour
judi dench
Jesus you kept me in the most unsafe room and gave me the smallest weapon and now you are sharing jokes with alfred? Are you deliberately trying to kill me?
daniel craig
(Guns down baddie) are you alright?
judi dench
Ship shape(nose grows long like pinnochio)
daniel craig
Okay javier isn't among the 20 dead men I killed all by myself using nothing but my antic car and my dad's 60 year old shot gun which hasn't fallen apart for reasons
May be he has been arrested maybe he was secretly injured and is bleeding out may be he is......... what the good f*ck? where the hell did javier get a military grade helicopter from?c'mon london is the most monitored city in the world how did he escape and how did he even track us didn't we confiscate his computers in macau?
sam mendes
Hey daniel,More dumb sh*t less talking
daniel craig
dumb sh*t like engaging a gunship in a shoot out? You got it(does exactly that)
narrator
javier in his helicopter blasting the beatles(official bond song since live and let die) returns fire and levels part of daniel's home then hops out of the chopper and starts to play 3 little pigs with daniel craig
javier bardem
Daniel open the door and let me in
daniel craig
Or what?
javier bardem
Or I'll huff and puff and throw several incendiary grenades into the house and hope it doesn't hit judi
narrator
then we are treated to 5 minutes of judi and albert waddling around the estate while javier and his minions stroll around the house like its an "open house inspection" and daniel craig playing rambo in the house with fire and smoke, I guess they noticed how bored the fans were so javier blows up daniels car for no reason
daniel craig
Did you just blow up my car? You just brought piss to a sh*t fight you lil
(Causes what looks like a nuclear explosion with two tanks of cooking gas and a stick of dynamite)I'm totally destroying the last memory I have of my parents but its okay because "I've always hated this place" and the reason why I left the priest hole door open is so I can make some dramatic "walk away from explosion kind of scene"
sensible bad guys
That guy just totally hiroshima-ed his house with cooking gas I'm so out of here (disappear)
dumb bad guys
What do we do boss?
javier bardem
Make sure daniel is dead while I follow the trail caused by the flash light that I know is from judi and not some secret tactics team luring me with light
dumb bad guys
Yes sir
javier bardem
Wow that worked! Just how much do I pay these guys?!
narrator
meanwhile daniel who is in the house isn't dead or even injured from the explosion even though it chased him through the tunnel
daniel craig
Phew! Its a good thing the raging fire decided to not give a f*ck about me when I crept into that tiny passage
(Hops out of the house and starts running like maniac then kills a guy by breaking his neck with a weird kick)oh looks like there are still bad guys out here I guess I should pick up this guys gun but nah!(steps on a frozen lake) seriously?! A few minutes ago there was a lake close to the house that was totally unfrozen anyway(begins jogging on open ground like that's a good idea, then he is stopped by javier)
javier bardem
okay this is getting exhausting
daniel craig
You mean all the fighting and shooting?
javier bardem
No I'm talking about how they are trying too hard to make me a super-villain so far they've used max zorin,heath ledgers joker and vector from despicable me on my character and yet all it does is just raise questions
daniel craig
Hmmm wow! the one time you have me in the open and no one is shooting
javier bardem
Yep hollywood rules shoot at the bullet proof robot/car but don't shoot the unarmed enemy when he is upclose
daniel craig
(Scrolls through hollywood cliche book) okay so I got the perfect cliche I shall grab your guys gun which will shoot round the ice floor causing us to crash into the lake just like in cliff hanger(does so)
javier bardem
if only I had an incendiary grenade to dump into the lake, well its cold and dark down there plus my man has a gun, daniel is as good as dead I guess
narrator
but luck is against javier as his man drops his gun for no reason,daniel doesn't mind the cold and there's lots of light under the water thanks to roger deakins crappy cinematography any way daniel knees the other dude in the head, snaps his neck using his thigh and totally grab the baddies flare gun which he just so happened to have, next javier bardem bursts into the chapel where judi and albert are hiding
javier bardem
hi mommy!
judi dench
Oh f*ck albert I told you not to use a flash light
albert finney
Sorry what was that
javier bardem
(Shoots a wall beside him) shut up alfred why don't you be a good boy and go wash batman's suit or go whip him up some hot cocoa? Get it? I'm the joker,albert is alfred,judi is the commisioner,daniel is batman, naomi harris is robin and the movie is called skyfall which is just another way to steal the title dark knight and act fancy about it
sam mendes
*rolling eyes* fine I'll thank chris nolan during the premier of this movie so I don't get my a*ss sued for copyright infringement
javier bardem
oh my God you've been shot oh my God oh my God(points gun at her face)
judi dench
Okay why are you looking like you want to take a huge fart on my face?
javier bardem
Because I can't hurt you, you are like a mother to me
judi dench
wow what a loon I can't believe I got shot over a p*ssy like you
javier bardem
Alright time for a fake climax shoot us both I've aligned our heads your finger is on the trigger now do it just pull it
audience
this is supposed to be a climax , I swear this movie has more fake climax than a p*rno movie judi why don't you take your head out of the way and pull the trigger? Or albert this will be the best time to set javiers clothes on fire or stab him with a stick, or judi can even sacrifice herself like she did other agents during her career
judi dench
Ahem! Hello?! Trying to create dilemna here
narrator
daniel shows up and tosses a hunting knife into javiers back
javier bardem
thank God I'm so happy I'm done with this sh*tty movie.......oh I mean ooooooooooooouch! I just took a knife to my back I don't really get why I'm dying since the knife wasn't long enough to reach my heart and if it hit my spinal cord then I won't be standing, anyway erk(dies)
daniel craig
Last rat standing............ you know we should totally get micheal mann to do our dialogue for the next movie. I totally sound like a character from the muppet show in this movie
judi dench
Oh everyone is dead time for a super cliched and convenient death
daniel craig
oh gosh! Judi you are hurt you need a doctor which I have a thing against
judi dench
*rolling eyes* great the one time I'm injured and I'm with a guy who hates hospitals
daniel craig
Who ever thought my senseless plan would end like this? Oh *sob* *sob* this might look gay but hey chicks dig this
judi dench
At least I got one thing right
albert finney
You mean by:
-losing the NOC list
-wrecking the whole of istanbul and leaving your dead agents littered about as evidence of their presence
-not withdrawing the affected agents on time
-reinstating a drunk agent and assigning him on one of the most critical missions
Or was it when.............
daniel craig[\b]
*scowls*
[b]judi dench
I was talking about not renewing my contract to extend after this sh*tty movie(dies)
albert finney
Yea my contract is only to this movie see ya later kid
daniel craig[\b]
Dammit!
[b]narrator
next we see daniel overseeing his city from the rooftop as the wind blows his jacket because it lookes cool when batman and dare devil and spiderman and superman did it
naomi harris
Hey you judi's will was read today (hands him a box
daniel craig
Its been one day and her will is already read?(Opens the box) did she just leave me the ugly dog statue from her office? No wonder her bodyguard wanted to assassinate her in the last movie imagine she bought him an ash tray cheap bastard
naomi harris
I guess its her way of giving you a giant f*ck you for ruining her life and ultimately getting her killed
narrator
they heard into the office
daniel craig
So with all of your qualifications you are a Goddamn secretary?! Wow! I guess abraham lincoln wasted his time
abraham lincoln
tell me about it
naomi harris
No I'm actually a character from the past
daniel craig
And why do you keep winking are you dislexic or something?
naomi harris
I'm moneypenny dammit I guess the era of misinforming people and encouraging sexual harrassment in offices is back
daniel craig[\b]
Since when is moneypenny a black lady? Oh God since you said you were assisting ralph. With the transition that makes him
[b]ralph fiennes
The new bernard lee baby
daniel craig
Oh God I've a feeling I'm going to hate the remaining movies I've left
ralph fiennes
So are you ready to get back to work(tosses him a list) pick up my dry cleaning,get my kid from school,go inspect my wife's lady figures and grab some chinese on your way back
daniel craig
is this some kind of joke?
ralph fiennes
What? You think I'm going to put you back on the field? The last time that happened we got breached, I got shot and judi got killed now that's a good joke
End

narrator
daniel goes down a tunnel and chases after javier
ben whishaw
Take the tunnel to the left
daniel craig
Yay! Ben you are back I thought the virus took out all the computers?
ben whishaw
Of course not apparently it's the open door virus EXE everything else is okay. so there's a map on his computer and I'm using it to track him down plus I've alerted the police and they are all over the subway wow that's one of the laziest continuity devices I have ever seen he left a map on his computer on how to get him? Smh
Narrator
javier bardem is walking through the subway in a grey jumpsuit and instead of getting jumped by the police, they hand him a police uniform in a box with a radio bomb because that's how the brits do things meanwhile daniel is almost getting his a*ss run over by a train(TRAIN SCENE 2)
daniel craig
Oh sh*t ben how do I open this hatch?
ben whishaw
Push it
daniel craig
I'm pushing
ben whishaw
Just push it push it push it real good
daniel craig
oh f*ck were you just radio-sexing me does this look like cloud atlas you f*cking fairy?
ben whishaw
who are you calling fairy you giant turd?
daniel craig
I'm not a turd you are the turd
ben whishaw
No you are the turd
daniel craig
no you are
audience
Ahem! Incase you haven't noticed, your little "rocky and bullwinkle" banter is terribly bemusing could you please get on with the snorefest?
daniel craig
oh in that case(shoots the key hole and pops the hatch open) see that? close call weren't you guys thrilled? damn! I can't even sell that
narrator
meanwhile at judi's butt-chopping hearing
butt-chopping lady
So you lost the NOC file and totally got your office blown to sh*t, what do you have to say to that?
judi dench
We have arrested the hacker/cyber terrorist and the NOC file plot has been successfully abandoned
butt-chopping lady
Wow really? I could have stayed at home for this, well this hearing can't be over in 20 seconds so let's talk about top secret information and active secret service units on live tv so we can endanger the lives of even more agents
judi dench
Sure!
narrator
back at the subway TRAIN SCENE 3 is on its way
daniel craig
Hey ben there are lots of people here, could you like use the cctv camera to see if javier bardem is on the train snails pace please
ben whishaw
you got it
daniel craig
Should I get on the train?
ben whishaw
Just a second
daniel craig
Should I get on the train?
ben whishaw
Just a second
daniel craig
SHOULD-I-GET-ON-THE-TRAIN?
ben whishaw
Hold on(train starts to move) okay now you can get on
narrator
daniel totally pulls a daring stunt courtesy of lagos bus conductors(eko o ni baje o) and instead of the train conductor to shoot him in the face, she totally opens the door I'm guessing this is how the london train bomber got in
daniel craig
Hey I can run again (looks at the map on the train)hey ben javier is heading towards the court house don't contact the police to watch out for him,don't contact the ministers to leave the room just send rory kinnear a tiny screen message to get judi out of there okay?
ben whishaw
I shall send the smallest message screen I can find, so do you have eyes on javier?
daniel craig
Yep!
ben whishaw
So why aren't you taking him out?
daniel craig
There are civilians around
ben whishaw
Oh but you didn't mind blowing up an embassy filled with civilians in casino royale and didn't mind opening fire in a restaurant in quantum of solace but all of a sudden you give a sh*t about civilians? I think this is just another lazy excuse to extend the plot
narrator
javier hops out of the train then he and daniel totally rip-off grand central climax scene from "carlitos way" complete with the sliding down the escalator stunt of course the real escalators have patterned discs on them that will totally tear javier and daniels nuts apart them think say we no go notice
rory kinnear
Hey judi javier just jumped bail and he is heading towards the courthouse we have to leave
judi dench
What?of course not I've a kick a*ss speech I'm going to give as well as a meaningless poem nobody is going anywhere
rory kinnear
Alright fine I shall totally sit my a*ss down even though my life is in danger
narrator
back at the train station daniel runs past several police men who he could simply stop and inform that hey javier is no longer wearing a jump suit he is now in uniform contact ben for more details but NO that's not how daniel rolls
daniel craig
Oh a slightly opened door that javier didn't have 2 seconds to close properly I bet he went that way (jumps in)
narrators
daniel spots javier and starts shooting aimlessly at him
javier bardem
Jesus! Four shots and one of them couldn't even take out my hat hehe you are like robocop when his targeting system is f*cked up
daniel craig
Whatever man you are coming with me
javier bardem
And you said I was a lame villain I deliberately got myself captured and escaped for no reason
daniel craig
After which you totally left a map on how to chase you down by the way this plan of yours so you knew I would return to service three months after getting my a*ss capped, I would then analyze your assassin's special bullet so I could intercept him in hongkong,take his casino chip and head to your casino in macau where I would meet berenice who will take me to your island after I've escaped your henchmen and CGI lizards then I would capture you bring you to our underground tunnel you just happened to know we would move into if we got attacked then you will escape captivity just in time to get a police uniform from rogue cops who just happen to be in the midst of other officers then you'll head to the court house to murder judi dench?
javier bardem
well now you say it out loud that was really lousy writing mr logan
daniel craig
Just accept it you suck
javier bardem
Well if I did suck would I be able to create this giant plothole and send a train through it?
daniel craig
Train? plothole?
narrator
javier blows up the ceiling with an explosive he magically fixed and out of nowhere, a train appears and rips the room to sh*t
daniel craig
Oh my God a train crash with hundreds of passengers........... wait a minute didn't ben whishaw say this was rush hour? Why is there an empty train during rush hour?
sam mendes
London 2012 is close and a train filled with people would be bad for business
daniel craig
What I don't get is why he didn't just shoot me if he wanted me dead so badly
audience
Or why there are 4 different train scenes in this movie
sam mendes
Oh c'mon don't be mad at me I'm a fan of subway surfers
narrator
back at the butt-chopping hearing
butt chopping lady
oh there's been a train crash a few miles from here but no one was killed so the show must go on, now gimme one reason why we should not just change the way we do bond movies like the last 2 movies did?
judi dench
That's because we don't spy on countries anymore we spy on people
butt chopping lady
Yea perhaps that's why we monitor emails tap people's phone calls and use drone airplanes
judi dench
But what if the enemy has no access to these?
butt chopping lady
That's why we hire private military consults to do our dirty work for us you know Indigenous people who look alike and blend in not some english tuxedo wearing alchoholic r*pist that drives a vintage aston martin car.
judi dench
Whatever now if you don't mind I shall make matters worse by reciting a pointless when a lunatic is on his way to kill us
javier bardem
Now I shall infiltrate the court house by shooting everyone on sight then I shall burst into the courtroom shoot judi and head out good plan javier you are a genius
daniel craig
And I shall run to the court house past a dozen police cars that I can commandeer and I shall not ask Q to radio backup to trap javier in the building instead I shall rely on my poor marksmanship skills and poor sense of execution
narrator
javier bursts into the room shoots a bunch of mudane characters, stares at judi as she sh*ts her pants then shoots ralph fiennes in the shoulder because the story must continue
ralph fiennes
Isn't that guy supposed to be in prison? How the hell is he here in police uniform whacking everyone
judi dench
because daniel craig was watching him his a*ss is so fired
ralph fiennes
Tell me about it
narrator
daniel bursts into the court room
daniel craig
Oh golly no one is dead except the dozen police officers in the court room but who cares for them anyway........
naomi harris

daniel craig
(Kicks a gun to her) holy sh*t why the f*ck did I just do that?(Watches her totally shoot air) oh right she totally doesn't hit a target when she uses a handgun
javier bardem
So daniel what do u think?
daniel craig
In casino royale the bad guy wanted to destroy the largest plane in the world so he could short stocks and enrich the Lords Resistance Army the bad guy in quantum of solace wanted to control the whole south america through monopolizing bolivia's water supply and you just want to kill judi in this elaborate suicide mission?
javier bardem
No you don't get it not only do I want to kill her I also want to disgrace her that's why I stole the list that's why I blew up her office that's why I deliberately got myself captured and that's why I'm........
daniel craig
On a suicide mission? dude if you wanted to disgrace her why stealing the NOC file was a lazy plot but it was okay so next you watch her get disgraced out of the service then kidnap her do some viral video sh*t where she confesses to crimes in front of a camera then chop her head off that's shameful enough and you don't need all these complicated stuff you know?
javier bardem
still calling it a suicide mission huh? I bet you won't be talking such smack if the reverse was the case
daniel craig
O yea?! Well now its on let's do this scene again only this time there would be three of us and more of you, you in?
javier bardem
O yea
daniel craig
Okay I'll give you an out by shooting these fire extinguishers to create a smoke screen okay?
javier bardem
What? I thought you had a problem with your aim
daniel craig
Well not in this scene perhaps in the next one
javier bardem
Okay let it rip
narrator
daniel creates a smoke screen to distract javier because it looked cool when jack bauer did it in 24, so javier gets frustrated, shoots his accomplice for no reason and strolls into his getaway car with no cops at sight
naomi harris
Alright everyone out javier is gone he is definitely not crouching outside the door and waiting for us to come out to clip us each I'm positive even though I've not checked
narrator
judi is escourted to her car(which surprisingly was not rigged to explode in the first place) with no bodyguards of course just her bald man servant rory kinnear and daniel zooms off with her because humor
judi dench
Hey daniel I thought bond always go AWOL with the girl after the bad guy dies?
daniel craig
Aren't all the girls always pretty? Yuk! I'm not whisking you away b*tch I'm taking you to my haunted cottage in scotland tohave you killed protect you from javier hey ben can you make us disappear in an implausible way that the bristish secret service can't find us but only javier can
ben whishaw
And risk losing my job and going to prison
daniel craig
You'll get to experience prison r*pe
ben whishaw
o yea I'm in one implausible plot coming up
To be continued.....

suwailad:
gawsh what an evil movie. please dont see this if you dont have heart

More like if you don't have the stomach there was a full 20minutes dedicated to different disgusting stories of people eating sh*t and a little girl peeing
on some pervs face,
Then there's the n*ked kids parading the castle and the constant r*pe scenes
Good thing the voyeurism scene was brief cause I was so close to losing my mind

since when do elephants live up to 80 years?

natureboy50:
Dj xclusive's so cute
No homo though

u sure? Say u no be gay see as u dey idolize guy like say na motor

armadeo:
They should change the entire bond story now. I think its time. The last 3 sucked.


Brosnan ruled!!!

Actually they did change the bond story arc that's why they took it all the way back to the start of his career, the villains were more realistic the characters like M, felix and tanner were more involved and the bond girls were no longer just sex objects anymore casino royale and quantum of solace were really good but skyfall just ruined everything and played safe by going back to the normal way of doing things
Brosy was good but e don old and daniel looks more like the original james bond

narrator
back in london judi dench and ralph fiennes are watching a news bulletin from BBC news
BBC news
One of the exposed agents on youtube today got his a*ss capped on a viral video which MI6 once again failed to control here's the video
judi dench
Hehe like they don't think we have dossiers about them submitted by the undercover agents now time to go airborne and burn their sh*t to the ground
ralph fiennes
Hmmmn that is one thing but judi that's one of NATO's agent that got capped and for some reason the whole world now knows that its because you lost the lousy NOC file which by the way no one knew you had
judi dench
Oh gee! I wonder where this is going
ralph fiennes
The foreign minister has called for a hearing and you are to appear
judi dench
She called for a hearing over a security breach? Don't they only call hearings when there's a corruption scandal or you know, stuff that actually affect the public?
sam mendes
Hey what can I say I just saw season 7 of 24 when some senator was grilling jack bauer over being a jerk to terrorists and I thought o boy I got to get that sh*t in here you know what I'm saying?
ralph fiennes
Well I think its safe pull daniel back in
judi dench
What? No! We still have to get back the list
ralph fiennes
Yea the list of agents that is been displayed on youtube? Look our cover is blown we've been breached the british intelligence is in dis-array call in your agent before he makes a fool of himself
Why are you scowling at me like that? Don't gimme that bull sh*t excuse that its...............
judi dench
Daniel's time to shine
narrator
meanwhile on the high seas after a nap and a shower, daniel hops out of the cabin and heads towards berenice on deck
daniel craig
The f*ck just how far is this base? The moon? Oh great! You've started doing the crack addict routine again
berenice marlohe
Fear itself knows fear because fear is afraid of spelling fear in capital letters because FEAR
daniel craig
O_o okkkkay! Which reminds me I'm supposed to radio my platoon(clicks his radio and puts it in his pocket because SUBTLETY)
narrator
next a gang of dudes jump out of the tiny little cabin
daniel craig
Where the f*ck did you guys come from? Why didn't you catch me since? Were listening to us have sex? That's so weird
narrator
they port at some blown to sh*t island
berenice marlohe
Time for another EXPOSE ,my boss got this island that probably contained millions of people by lying to them that there was a leak at the chemical plant
daniel craig
What da? He lied to a Bunch of people who were literate enough to own a chemical plant and they totally bought that? How did he do that?
berenice marlohe
Its amazing the things you can do with a computer
daniel craig
No really how did he convince them and scare everyone into evacuation and why has no one at least returned to check if the threat is over? Oh I forgot sam and lazy logan are on the job
narrator
they snatch daniel into a beaten to sh*t hotel while they drag berenice to the back to of the hotel to lupita nyongo her a*ss for no reason, daniel is tied to a chair in this really hot and dusty room with computer thingies everywhere and we know they are computer thingies because we can totally see wires everywhere according to sam, wires mean super computers
daniel craig
Oh boy! Tied to a chair O God wonder what they are going to do to me whip my nuts with a carpet duster?beat me with a crowbar and swing an axe at me like in quantum of solace?
(Javier bardem hops out of an elevator)
daniel craig
Javier bardem seriously? Why not get dominic west or ray stevenson? Even dennis hopper can top this sh*t not javier bardem is this because of no country for old men? The guy totally sucked the one time he faced a guy in a gun duel he ended up getting blasted in the nuts and couldn't even afford drugs he had to f*cking rob a drug store jeez! And what's with the horse teeth and blonde hair please don't tell me you fell in a bucket of acid like joker from batman
javier bardem
You think this is bad, I heard chris waltz the dude with the fake german accent from django unchained will be playing villain in SPECTRE be careful not to step on him. Okay there were rats on an island and we trapped them into a drum and watched them eat each other cause I'm a sick motherf*cker
daniel craig
And you are telling me that story because..........
javier bardem
No reason just felt like doing that scene in quantum of solace where mathew almaric told that disturbing ant/ piano student story
daniel craig
O_o Rrrrrrrrright! So are you a member of the basque separatists movement? Are you sending a political message through cyber-terrorism?
javier bardem
Er no I'm just a disgruntled former MI6 agent out for revenge and I know that sounds very charlies angel-ish but Hey I'm a good bond villain infact I'm the best bond villain ever
daniel craig
Yea right! More like the silliest and most lazily written
javier bardem
What are you talking about? I've an island
daniel craig
O yea at a point I thought the franchise was done with that bullsh*t villain base but I guess the era of bullsh*t villain bases is back
javier bardem
I'm also an established cyber terrorist
daniel craig
Cyber terrorism? C'mon that's so 1990 besides if you were so good why did you need to send a dude to retrieve a file you could have easily swiped with your supernatural hacking abilities?
javier bardem
I bet you won't be talking so much sh*t when i shove my d*ck in your mouth(starts to unbutton daniels shirt and caress his wound) hey how did this wound turn into a scarb so quickly? Didn't you cut through the wound a few days ago?
daniel craig
My question is why they keep focusing on that wound that wasn't the shot that took me out for christs sake this is just a random wound turned plot that I received from your hitman and by the way if you plan on r*ping me you better see it through
javier bardem
No thanks I'm good, what if I go all lucifer on you and tell you that judi betrayed you by sending you to capture me when you and your gadgets suck a*ss
daniel craig
What?
javier bardem
Oh lemme just hack into MI6 database and pull out your file because I'm that good
daniel craig
(Muttering) why won't that happen when a girl is playing Q now
javier bardem
Here it is daniel shoots like an old lady,he has that cardio features of an obessed and diabetic 12 year old,he is a junky and has a great case of mommy issues, er why would judi send someone like that after me?
daniel craig
Em maybe because she trusts me and knows I can do the job?
javier bardem
Damn it! That's a good answer alright follow me outback wanna show you your girlfriend beaten to sh*t
daniel craig
Ok
javier bardem
Now let's shoot this tiny glass of whisky off her head
daniel craig
Hmmmmmn that sounds humanly possible(shoots and totally yakubus the shot)
audience
Wow! Daniel craig is such an *diot in this movie
daniel craig
No its my character flaw I'm only human and I'm tormented by God knows what and I.........(Javier shoots berenice in the head) what da f*ck how could you do that how could you waste such beauty
javier bardem
frankly I don't know why I killed berenice either
daniel craig
I'm not talking about berenice I mean the whisky filled glass on her head but anyway shouldn't you have killed your incompetent bodyguards that totally didn't see me sneak into the yacht?
javier bardem
Wow you have a point there
(Daniel murders everyone) er is there a reason why you didn't do this about 10seconds ago?
daniel craig
Ha! I pretended to be captured so I can capture you and look just in time some CGI KIA helicopters just pulled up
KIA soldiers
Yea we are here to pick you up and luckily the chinese were nice enough to not order our helicopter to turn around or escort our a*sses with a warship and we shall transport you all the way to our now concealed head quarters instead of a safe house like every normal spy agency would do now let's go
javier bardem
Wow a british helicopter transmitted by an MI6 agents radio transmitter? How did a brilliant man like me not figure that out?
berenice marlohe
I've been killed barely 20seconds ago and they've already forgotten my a*ss? Did I like have a use in this movie?
daniel craig
Yea you were just to fulfill the bond ritual which is drink booze,wear a tuxedo,give my real name to spies/terrorists and r*pe pretty women I got a feeling this will be a good mission
narrator
back at london judi visits javier in a cell totally made of glass and controlled by computers
javier bardem
Woah! Is this a hannibal lecter movie? Why am I in his holding cell oh hey mommy
judi dench
Okay now that was really creepy
javier bardem
You were vewy bad mommy you wet the mean chinese man towture my a*ss for 5 months aw so you could welease 6 other awgents that were dumb enough to get caught how bad are you at maths when they offer you 6 agents for 1 agent doesn't that mean that 1agent is valuable to them? You've forgotten aw about me you even have a new son
judi dench
Nonsense you were missed for 5 minutes and I totally put your name on our memorial wall under thousands of other intelligent agents you see you were supposed to take the cyanide capsule in your tooth
javier bardem
Yea I did and it mewted my teeth and chick bone but left my lungs and internal owgans intact
judi dench
O_o since when did cyanide work like acid and not kill people?
javier bardem
Since top spy bases get blown to sh*t by the internet and drunk agents can simply waltz into the home of one of the most powerful women in the world
judi dench
Whatever you will be going to prison and the NOC file plot will be totally abandoned here excuse me now I have a butt-chopping hearing to attend
javier bardem
Say my name say my name not when no one is around you tell me that I love you why the sudden change
judi dench
O_o
daniel craig
Er judi you wanna explain what that was about?
chinese government
Yea explain why we are bad guys here when this had nothing to do with us
judi dench
Oh er javier hacked on the chinese so they arrested him end of story
daniel craig
Wow! So this movie is based on a 10 second story? Well time to find that file that is totally on his laptop because it can only be on his laptop for sure
ben whishaw
Hi daniel
daniel craig
Er why are you going all chloe brian aren't you a quarter master?
ben whishaw
Well this way I get more face time let's hook up this computer
daniel craig
Uh I'm not a computer genius and stuff but don't you think you should scan for viruses first?
ben whishaw
Nope(doors open) oh sh*t a virus is in the system
daniel craig
Yea a virus that opens all the doors takes out armed guards and helps javier teleport into the subway in mere seconds? what virus is that?
To be continued........

narrator
next we see judi dench in her apartment surfing the web when she sees a hacked screen of course sam mendes being the lousy director he is could not at least ascertain if it was her email,blog,video chat or Facebook account that got hacked
judi dench
Oh look a click here to redeem your prize button when I didn't play any game, I guess the best thing to do is click it(click)
Oh darn it, the prize was a youtube video showing the true identities of undercover NATO agents embedded in the middle east what do I do? What do I do?
audience
Perhaps you could use your power as a military agency to order youtube to take down the video on grounds of national security it will only take a second
judi dench
I have a better idea,(picks phone) hey rory kinnear get those NATO agents out their identities have been exposed
rory kinnear
Are you kidding me? That list got snatched about three months ago and you are just asking me to pull them out now?
judi dench
Yep! Snail speed my good man
rory kinnear
(Whispering) no wonder you got fired
judi dench
I heard that
narrator
next we see daniel craig in a chinese hotel when he suddenly gets a knock on the door
daniel craig
The f*ck could that be (picks up his gun)
naomi harris
You need room service? *wink*
daniel craig
Phew! Here I was getting all paranoid and taking out my piece when its just you at the door I feel safe already its not like you could be a mole or a double agent like the MI6 moles in the last 3 movies
naomi harris
I travelled all the way from england to tell you that the code protecting the NOC file has been cracked and now the NATO undercover agents are collectively getting their a*sses snitched 5names per week
daniel craig
That's so sad............let's f*ck in their honor
naomi harris
What? No
daniel craig
C'mon I've a bathing towel round my waist with nothing underneath,you are doing your pretentious sexy voice and there are candles everywhere (for some reason?) Nothing can kill this mood
naomi harris
Blue waffles
daniel craig
F*ck God dammit my mood has been totally destroyed now f*ck off I have a depression beard to shave
naomi harris
Well I could help with that
daniel craig
Hmmmmm I could actually trim down my beard with a clipper but for no reason, I shall trust a clumsy b*tch like you to help shave me with a cut through razor
naomi harris
A cut through razor? Why?
daniel craig
Because black people make the best barbers.......I mean cause the old ways are the best
naomi harris
So about the list what are we doing next?you know, since you killed our only lead and all
daniel craig
I found a casino chip in his gun case so I'm guessing that I shall take a stroll to macau's casino hopefully I shall meet with his employer who coincidentally is the same dude that hired ola to get the hard drive from turkey
naomi harris
A casino chip?sure don't analyze his gun and find out who sold such a military grade weapon to a civilian and probably link him to his employer go ahead and investigate a lousy chip while you are at it why don't you examine his right shoe and track down his cobbler? Perhaps Paul smith hired ola rapaace to mess with MI6
sam mendes
what can I say we had to put the tuxedo scene somewhere
daniel craig
who was that annoying dude in judi's office I hate him
naomi harris
Who? Ralph fiennes he is a nice guy why do you hate him?
daniel craig
because its expose time what is his back story
naomi harris
the one time an exposition is not needed and we do it anyway, well ralph fiennes is a cannibal with daddy issues
sam mendes
Psst! Wrong script
naomi harris
Oops! My bad, ralph fiennes used to be a field agent and he was an MI6 sleeper agent in the IRA and he is also one of the winks that sam mendes wants to spring on us
daniel craig
Yawn! What a long and boring story
naomi harris
Okay all done! Now you look the part OLD manDOG NEW TRICKS
daniel craig
That's right man I've got several new tricks I can drink circles around you and I frown and mope like I just watched a marvel kinghts movie
naomi harris
this forced scene was brought to you courtesy of blue waffles, guaranteed to kill any b*ner
narrator
next daniel walks into a casino in macau which has a komodo dragon pit because a fight scene is totally not going to take place there in a few minutes, he cashes in the casino chip for €4million
daniel craig
Wait a minute they actually paid a guy €4million to burst a cap in a man that was in a room filled with assassins that took out his wife/assistant/secretary seconds after he was killed?*shakes head* anyway oh look its the chick from hongkong time to perform my bond magic(approaches)hey babe do you........ holy f*ck what's on your face?
berenice marlohe
Its called make up welcome to the 21st century grandpa
daniel craig
And may I ask why you are fig getting?
Are you some sort of meth addict?
berenice marlohe
No this is just my over the top way of saying how scary my boss is
He is so scary we call him fear cause he is fear but the kind of fear you fear to know about because..............FEAR
daniel craig
Yea like 3 different chicks have told bond how scary their bosses are but he always ends up murdering their a*sses without rumpling his shirt
berenice marlohe
Really? you are here to kill him? Where's your back up
daniel craig
Well I have this gigantic transmitter which will be the first thing they will sight during a frisk and I just dumped my ear piece into a glass of champagne for no reason so there's no way my associate here would know if I'm in trouble
berenice marlohe
Can you kill him?
daniel craig
Well I'm an out of shape MI6 agent who almost fell out of a window during my last fist fight
berenice marlohe
Perfect! Alright those asian dudes over there are here to kill you so discard them and join me on my yacht ciao!
narrator
as daniel craig is leaving the casino a gang of unarmed asian dudes confront him at the door hoping to stare him to death
daniel craig
Hmmmm perhaps I should just shoot these guys and walk out or I should fire shots in the air cause a stampede and escape through the raucus but instead I will fend them off with a suit case like a jackie chan movie
narrator
daniel tries to fend them off but he is tackled into ......yep you guessed it the komodo dragon pit
daniel craig
Oh c'mon look I know you wanna sample gold finger into this movie but isn't this a bit much there's the oddjob knock off, and james bond fighting in a pit surrounded by danger wait a minute is that a komodo dragon? Why do you have a komodo dragon in a casino? No one comes into the casino to watch the komodo dragon and the dragons hide in dens so why are they here in the first place.....oh never mind
oddjob knock-off
you dare compare me with that overweight asian man servant who never said sh*t throughout the movie
daniel craig
O_o
oddjob knock-off
I'll kill you(slams daniel like there were in a WWE match)
oddjob knock-off
Oh jolly you have a gun I was wondering how to kill you what's this? Gun doesn't fire? Oh I get it tasteless james bond asian joke wasn't funny in licensed to kill and it isn't funny now(gets grabbed by a komodo dragon) oh sh*t I forgot we had those aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
narrator
another komodo dragon hops out of the dark and runs past daniel craig because komodo dragons are now racist, daniel craig then spring boards on the komodo's back because..............live and let die
komodo dragon
Hey not cool man you are lucky that sam mendes doesn't know that real komodo dragons can catch their prey even by hopping
narrator
daniel craig sticks out his head from th pit when one of the asian dudes shoves a gun in his face
asian dude
I've been lying on the floor waiting for you to stick your head out
naomi harris
And I've been waiting for you to bring out your gun so I can take you out with this suit case
daniel craig
Phew! Thanks time to head out
naomi harris
Shouldn't you be at a hospital right now? You know since your back was smashed against hard stony floor
daniel craig
Er........if you knew me you would know I hate hospitals now hold this money and hope you don't get mugged in this totally dangerous casino
naomi harris
Any report for home
daniel craig
Yes tell them agro na bastard I repeat agro na bastard
narrator
in the yacht daniel craig infiltrates off screen because sam was smart to know he can never justify infiltrating a boat filled with a gang of dudes
daniel craig
Ha! Now I've infiltrated the yacht I should probably radio the calvary or take out all the guards on the yacht but first things first (hops into shower with berenice)
berenice marlohe
Hey ocupado
daniel craig
hmmm you aren't wearing make up groovy!
berenice marlohe
Wait a minute for real we are gonna have sex? C'mon about 5 minutes ago I didn't even look interested in you
daniel craig
More f*cking less talking *lets get it on*
berenice marlohe
And the fact that I used to be a prostitute and have f*cked a ton of men doesn't offend you?
daniel craig
Not even in the slightest way
berenice marlohe
Isn't this how people get herpes?
daniel craig
That's none of my business
narrator
and the audience watch in horror as a former child prostitute and an alcohol+drug addict consumate in pg format just to show how poorly sam mendes understands romance
To be continued......

TosinAji:
Haha me sef I wuz jst as confused as u wen readin

parrotibaba's last post but nway mr.severe I tink u r
jst being 2 critical its jst a movie d stories & d

performances r nt strong because d genre isnt one

based on stories & performances it's my best genre

because even with bad performances from d actors

and regular storylines it never gets old & still gives

u d same thrill time and time again

guy see if you wan like horror film, like horror film the worst I can do is laugh at you but I won't stop you.
c'mon, how can a movie be good without the two main ingredients a good story and good actors?
The Horror genre has died along with the reign of john carpenter and his friends,I'm even surprised there's a thread for horror movies never knew it still had fans,I thought people only watched vintage horror movies to commemorate holidays like halloween and .
they have the least budget in any industry as well as the least turnovers I mean even silly cartoons like frozen rake in billions easier than horror just to show how dead that Horror is. Horror is so dead they leave solely on remakes and franchise stealing just to make a buck. Guy abeg no kill me with laugh

parrotibaba:
FYI The Harry Porter series is a fantasy movie not horror ,same as d ghost busters which is an American science ,fantasy ,comedy film(according to Wikipedia)

My point exactly these aren't horror flicks yet they possess that supernatural element which you have solely given to horror.
And FYI you still haven't named one horror flick to support your claim that horror is the best genre ever

parrotibaba:
you just don't quit do u?

Well if you weren't being such a clown perhaps I would have gotten bored and quit

parrotibaba:
I'm not going to twist anything u said cos u r already doing dat ur self ,we started arguing about how supernatural is a part/not a part of horror n now u r veering in another direction

horror movies are lazy,horror movies are generic,supernatural movies and horror movies are not of the same genre,these were my points and it never changed

parrotibaba:
...d first half of ur recent post is exactly what my last post is talking about ,u said dat supernatural ain't part of horror n I gave u evidence dat supernatural is part of horror which was why I mentioned d movie "The rite" .Still u didn't want to accept ur mistake

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Rite_(2011_film)
"The rite" is a supernatural thriller glad to have gotten this out of our system now let's move on

parrotibaba:
u went ahead to mention 3 movies(only one was a horror movie) in which u were trying to prove to me that de r not horror cos de r not scary n dis led me to explaining to u about how movie genres can mix themes with different themes from different genres i.e u can get an action/comedy/horror movie

Very funny you said definition of horror has "supernatural" in it, now you wan change mouth talk say supernatural na seperate genre? nice try

parrotibaba:
,now dis movie is not meant to be scary but it has hints of horror in it ,an example I gave on my last post was d TV show "supernatural" ,which is an action/comedy/horror series n it ain't scary cos of it contains comedy in it...The movie "The rite" is a pure horror movie because it contains d supernatural theme which is a core part of d horror genre

congratulations you have succeeded in confusing the both of us guy you should go into comedy

parrotibaba:
what more do u want me to say eh?

Er.......how about giving me the title of a good horror movie? This has been my only request since my first post, you are just complicating everything

parrotibaba:
Horror does not limit to d macabre theme ,it involves d supernatural theme(macabre n supernatural being d two main themes) ,d occult theme ,d black magic theme ,etc so u don't expect a horror flick to be just about vampires werewolves n ghosts or psychopaths n monsters no! ,it also deals with occults ,God ,the devil ,angels, demons ,witches ,warlocks ,wizards ,banshees ,anything supernatural...

sure! horror only limits itself to badly written stories with poor theatrics and poor sense of creativity

parrotibaba:
You know what? why don't u hit d internet n research more on horror cos I'm done with d argument ,can't explain myself any further...

guy just let it go horror is the laziest genre there is #LiveWithIt

parrotibaba:
see u moving from one direction to another ,from supernatural is not part of horror to it's part of horror ,bro ,one thing is for sure ,horror is a genre n supernatural is part of it

I had a feeling I was going to fast for you.
ok let me explain to you sloooooooooowly, there are horror movies e.g: Psycho, cannibal holocaust etc which of course have no supernatural theme attached, then there are supernatural/fantasy movies e.g: clash of the titans,frozen etc then there are times when they mix these two genres hence supernatural-horror e.g: insidious etc,its just like when we have comedy-action movies(combination of the comedy genre and the action genre)abi is comedy part of action?
Lol! let's see how you'll try to twist my words this time

parrotibaba:
just watch d chainsaw massacre;the beginning n we will talk ,d horror genre is d best not d lazy action ,adventure or super hero genres ,dos ones r super predictable ,in d chainsaw massacre ,everybody died ,a thing dat is rare in d other genres ,look at final destination ,same stuff ..

yinmu! Horror flicks are not predictable? all slasher movies have these in common the killer is a sicko, there are victims who are trapped and can't join together to beat on the killer for some reason and the killer always gets away with it cause he never dies in the end or he resurrects for some really st*pid reason just so greedy and lazy movie producers can continue making more sequels, so texas chainsaw massacre neither enticed nor surprised me.
As for final destination the "shock value" factor failed because the movie was flat out terrible I mean the movie had a very poorly written script, as well as poorly written and narrated plot I couldn't even root for any of the characters cause they had no background stories or elements that the viewers could relate to. Guy gimme better horror flick wey go blow my mind
not all these commercial lazy movies you've been mentioning

parrotibaba:
dude check d definition of horror movie in Wikipedia n it will clearly tell u dat d supernatural is a theme in horror so u don't even know what attributes a horror movie possesses, shame really

lol! so movies like harry potter,beetle juice and ghost busters are horror movies abi? Don't make me laff abeg. look there are supernatural/fantasy movies, there are horror movies and sometimes there are supernatural-horror movies like haunter,conjuring etc the movie "the rite" just happens to be a supernatural-thriller even though I'm to accept it as a horror flick, its just another exorcist movie like the exorcism of emily rose and co , nothing new or special

parrotibaba:
,...anyways I made a mistake ,d one I watched was d Texas chainsaw massacre;The beginning not d 3D ,d beginning came out in '06 ,u need to check dat one out

Guy whether na childs play part 1 or freddie vs jason all dey under the same lazy and generic slasher genre which has been my point right from the beginning

parrotibaba:
then u don't know what a horror movie is about

On the contrary, you are the one who is mixing up movie genres just because it has supernatural elements in it, as long as its not a:
Salsher flick
Zombie flick
Urban legend
Or even a torture p*rn flick, then its not a pure horror movie. Even wikkipedia classifies the rite as a supernatural thriller

parrotibaba:
...another one Texas Chainsaw 3D

are you kidding? I asked for a unique unconventional horror flick and you gimme texas chainsaw 3D? A movie about a masked dude chasing after teenagers that can't act, that is like the same story with:

-Friday 13th
-Halloween
-Scream
-Urban legends
-I know what you did last summer
-Sorority row
And these are just the few names I can come up with from the top of my head















Try again.

parrotibaba:
The Rite.

Well
1. The rite may be creepy but its not a horror movie that's like calling "constantine" a horror movie
2. Its just another "exorcist" kind of movie

try again

parrotibaba:
u r lying big time n horror does not stop at vampires ,werewolves or ghosts, it spreads further to d supernatural..., Angels ,demons ,God, d devil,evil omens ,curses...



As a kid I watched a lot of naija horror movies n it scared d crap outta me but as I grew ,I began to appreciate d genre ,it's d best for me

oh really? Oya name 1 horror Movie that didn't rely on conventional plot devices like urban legends or serial killers or some curse or some stalker/hitcher/drifter or unnecessary jolts in almost every scene, name 1 horror movie that actually had a storyline, character development and a chance to see actors actually do some acting.
No go wikkipedia and IMDB o gimme one from your head

judi dench
Anyway you are to meet with the quarter master at an art gallery.
daniel craig
An art gallery? Why don't I just meet him within the building? Or even at my apartment that's way safer and more discreet than a public art gallery you know
judi dench
Hey london 2012 is not so far away and we have to force a lot of london scenery into the movie so play nice and you'll jump off a helicopter strapped to the queen during the opening ceremony
daniel craig
Ew! Why would you put that sh*t in my head? Now I can't get that disgusting image outta my head
narrator
next we see daniel craig at an art gallery being mad at a painting when this scary looking dude shows up
ben whishaw
hello handsome, you come here often?
daniel craig
F*ck off you fairy(gets up to leave)
ben whishaw
I'm the new Q
daniel craig
wow! Really? so the iconic role of Q graced by legendary talents such as alex mcowen,john cleese and desmond llewelyn is now played by a skinny gay dude that looks like he is on chemo
ben whishaw
But seriously I'm the new Q that's why I shall bark out your code name in a public place rather than your cover name so that any counter agent spy can know what's up
daniel craig
Wow! Why didn't they get benedict cumberbatch or rupert graves or even sam worthington to play Q?you know, someone interesting
ben whishaw
But I'm interesting I can do more damage than you in bed wait that didn't come out right
daniel craig
By damage in bed you mean taking a nap while a hacker blows the sh*t out of our office?
ben whishaw
*sigh* anyway I brought your equipment
daniel craig
Oh really? Where my spy pen at?
ben whishaw
Oh we don't go for exploding pens anymore instead we go for this giant radio (courtesy of radio shack) and this totally 1980s palm print scanner gun that has no use
daniel craig
er..........you are giving me a radio transmitter and a palm print scanner gun to hunt down a guy who blew up MI6 office with a computer?
ben whishaw
Well you'll get to make a kick-a*ss speech with your radio and you'll get to humiliate an asian dude with your totally lame and useless palm print scanner gun, just be sure to bring the equipment back in one piece
daniel craig
Ok if you say so........... wait what's with the bolded statement? that sounds so familiar
ben whishaw
that's right guys am not just another random Q I'm actually major boothroyd from the 60s
daniel craig
*face palm*
sam mendes
Alright time to suck china's d*ck so we can get chinese people to watch so for the next few minutes we shall show a string of useless scenes like they did with the tosca scene in quantum of solace
audience
Actually the tosca scene from quantum solace was a pretty important scene to both quantum of solace and casino royale cause it brought vesper lynds extortionists to light, it showed daniel craig's transition into darkness because of vespers suicide and it provided depth to bond and M's relationship
sam mendes
well did I mention that the useless scenes in the chinese sequence features 3 shirtless daniel craig scenes
gay audience
yay!
narrator
next we see daniel craig stalking ola rapaace from the airport to an office building because picking him up for interrogation is lame when compared to stalking a dude to an unknown destination at the risk of getting caught by chinese paranoid security agents.
Ola rapaace strolls into the building, pops a guard and keeps moving forward without looking back because that's how they do it in france
daniel craig
Ola rapaace has caught an elevator I know I will follow him by performing this totally dangerous stunt of hanging under his elevator when I can simply take another elevator or shoot him in the shoulder.............oh I can do pull ups again just incase anyone gives a f*ck
narrator
ola rapaace gets out of the elevator and gets lost in the building
daniel craig
Oh sh*t where is ola rapaace oh there he is good thing all the walls here are made of glass, hey where did he get that long range snipers rifle from? Did he actually make it through airport authorities with that?
ola rapaace
Wait a minute I can hear footsteps and doors sqeaking but upon looking behind me, thank goodness it's just a door with legs
narrator
daniel craig is a few inches away from ola rapaace yet all he does is stand and watch the dude cut the glass in front of him and assemble his gun to shoot a random dude that has nothing do do with the movie
daniel craig
Okay why am I just watching this guy assemble his gun this is beginning to look like voyeurism and who hires ola rapaace to assassinate someone with a gun when he totally didn't hit sh*t in istanbul, 10bucks says he tanks this shot
narrator
ola rapaace shoots the random dude
daniel craig
okay how did that happen? oh! the lights that have been flashing the building has decided to show my reflection and ola rapaace has decided to spot me oh well guess I have to engage him in another tasteless fight scene
sam mendes
Okay here's the thing about this scene I just played shadow fight on my i-phone and I think it will be fun to include that into the movie, so the fight scene is totally going to be done in silhouette format and so the audience can tell them apart, ola rapaace will keep holding his rifle no matter how st*pid it looks
narrator
the audience try not to notice that ola's gun has suddenly shifted into automatic when it was manual a few seconds ago, then daniel flips ola rapaace out of the window and does the whole hanging by the hands routine
daniel craig
Who are you working for?
ola rapaace
The last time you asked a guy that question you totally dropped him down to his death........... em when did you get your gloves back on? Didn't you need to take it off to operate you gun? Oh sh*t I'm gonna die ain't I?(Falls off)
daniel craig
Oh jeez! I just killed a guy and there's a hot chick across the building who seems pretty cool about the murder, perhaps she is a culprit in the crime hmmmn perhaps I should intercept her downstairs and interrogate her or I should totally get my a*ss outta here incase the police come but instead I shall carefully check ola's personal effects perhaps I may find a clue there, oh hey a casino chip jinkies! if that's not a clue I don't know what that is
To be continued..........

eugy45:
that's not true not same story line, jus dah we all know its horrror and ul definitely get to see d werewolfs nd vampires
am not even a big fan of vampire, i love bloody horror like ''evil dead''

are you calling me a liar?!
my friend kneel down there

Well, I don't know if horror is the best genre but its certainly the laziest. All horror movies have the same storyline,the same plot even the same concept they hardly try anything new:
-if you are a vampire, you'll never look scary
-if you are a werewolf, you'll be poorly made
-if you are a mansion you will be haunted by ghosts of some evil dude that cursed the house and sacrificed himself on the land
- if you are a little child you'll have an imaginary friend who is actually one of the dangerous ghosts that want to hurt your family
-if you are a parent, you will be possessed by evil spirit and made to murder your family
-if you are a pet, you are gonna die
I mean its so bad that sometimes you can't even tell them apart

sam mendes
This tasteless pre-title sequence was brought to you courtesy of heinekein beer cartons shoved at the camera during the bike chase, audi sedan ola rapace official get away vehicle,land rover daniel craig and naomi harris official chase vehicle,cat digger and VW beetles well arranged for daniels forced train stunt and daniel craig's watch which was zoomed at for no reason
adele
*singing* I set fire to the rain
sam mendes
I wish! no we aren't doing fire to the rain we are doing some gay empty content song about NOTHING
adele
So what should the lyrics be?
sam mendes
Just say anything from the top of your head
adele
Well ahem skyfall,crumble,stand tall and face it all
sam mendes
Wow that sounds like lyrics someone wrote to get money for weed! I like it sing it like 50 times more I bet the audience will totally dig it
narrator
next judi dench on the losing team is summoned into the board room where somebody will get fired
ralph fiennes
Hey judi have a sit so what happened why did one hitman f*ck up the whole of MI6? Escaping with our tired old NOC file plot 3 months ago
judi dench
Don't really know what jumps out of what you just said is it the donald trump apprentice reference this scene has or that an NOC file was on a dude's computer or that it took place 3 months ago and you are just hounding me about it now
ralph fiennes
Choose two people to come into the board room with you
judi dench
I choose john logan and naomi harris
Because the beginning of this movie was terribly written and knowing john logan I say this is another star wars disaster waiting to happen, then naomi harris because she is boring and obnoxious
ralph fiennes
Well I'm not firing john logan because he abides by hollywood's lazy traditions and I won't fire naomi harris because she is in this movie but as for you, you nagged them all the way in istanbul and rather than having naomi describe the assailant you suspended her judi dench you are fired!
judi dench
Well tough t*tty I don't have a deputy or an understudy of any sort so I shall keep being M till I'm tired
ralph fiennes
Fair enough
narrator
judi dench gets into her car and starts pouting like a 2 year old
rory kinear
Er........ma'am someones hacking your office workstation computer
judi dench
;DHaha very funny..........you are kidding right? Hacking MI6 workstations computers? Is that possible?
rory kinear
Whoever is doing so is trying to gain access to the codes that unlock the NOC file 3months after the file was stolen
judi dench
Really? So that code isn't destroyed or something? Anyway rather than rerouting the signals and tracking our hacker let's shut down my work station computer
narrator
they shut down their computers and the MI6 building blows up
judi dench
okay that's not good
rory kinear
you think?
narrator
next we see daniel having sex in a cabana rather than I don't know.............say a hospital with every bone in his body broken
daniel craig
Hey guys I totally survived that ordeal don't even bother asking how I survived or whether I visited a hospital or rehab centre as a matter of fact I simply just got up, dusted myself and went to the nearest pub. Anyway once again I'm a tormented soul like I was in quantum of solace only this time I'm tormented for no reason and rather than showing signs of depression like weight loss and insomnia like in quantum of solace, I shall walk around frowning
Like I just sucked a d*ck.......n*ked the whole time of course I bet the gay dudes in the audience will enjoy this, time to take my pain killers that I got from the billion literate doctors on this totally remote island then head unto the bar to get hammered with a scorpion on my hand- Pouting scene brought to you courtesy of heineken
narrator
he totally does so which makes no sense and goes to show just how poorly sam mendes understands comedy , next we see him pouting again at a bar, he is about to get sh*t faced again when a CNN news bulletin appears on TV
daniel craig
O_o okay am i supposed to believe that this totally remote island has cable?
CNN dude
MI6 office was attacked today and 6 people got killed in the cyber attack don't ask me how we know that a gas explosion was caused by a computer because in this movie, plot details are on holiday
judi dench
Er......actually its 8 people c'mon man I know the movie sucks but can't everyone just try to give a f*ck?- this convenient scene was brought to you courtesy of CNN
narrator
next in london we see a very confusing conversation take place between a judi dench who was initially typing daniel craig's obituary and daniel craig who was supposed to be stuck on an island without money or travel papers, How did he even magically show up in her apartment?
daniel craig
Hello, judi
judi dench
Oh hello daniel
daniel craig
You seem awfully calm considering that a trained killer and an disgruntled former employee has come back from the dead and broken into your house
judi dench
*rolling eyes* alright fine how are you daniel? How did you survive the istanbul ordeal?
daniel craig
How do you survive in this totally unsecured house with no bodyguards?
judi dench
No seriously how did you survive getting shot twice falling from such heights and drowning? Come on are you seriously not going to explain that? C'mon a lot of stories are going unexplained in this movie, Expose department can you help?
sam mendes
Oh we totally fired those guys so we would just have to take actions without any explaning
daniel craig
I want back into the secret service game
judi dench
With a drinking problem and an impending arrest for breaking and entering? Screw that
daniel craig

judi dench
Ok show up at the office and take some meaningless tests that would prove you are fit for field work now go take a shower
daniel craig
Ok I'll go home and change
judi dench
*in sexy voice* did I say go home and change? we totally sold your flat and donated your clothes to salvation army, its office policy, we sell your sh*t after three months even though we never found your body to prove your death
daniel craig
Fine I'll find a hotel and change
judi dench
Well you're bloody not sleeping here or are you? Going to run a shower incase you are interested
daniel craig
(Holds back barf) meaningless scene brought to you courtesy of jack daniels or whatever the f*ck I was drinking when M walked in
narrator
next we see bond being driven to the office and along the way we are treated to some magic tricks sam mendes and his moronic cinematographer perform as the car behind the SUV turns from an alfa romero, to a jaguar and finally a mercedes like f*ck! This movie is just a 2:25minute tv commercial
daniel craig
Er why are we going underground?
rory kinear
Gas explosion at our office
daniel craig
I bet it was clara she is always forgetting to turn off the stove when she is cooking
rory kinear
No actually someone hacked into MI6 network and caused a gas leak
daniel craig
He did that with a computer? You mean our gas cooker is hooked up to the internet?
rory kinear
Yea we know its st*pid just go with it
narrator
next daniel craig sucks at shooting, sucks at pull ups , sucks at cardio exercises and totally has the mind of a murderous, psychotic, pervert with mommy issues
daniel craig
damn! I've been doing spy work for at least 6 years and all it takes is 3 months for me to suck so much?
sam mendes
we are going to be doing a tasteless comeback that no one will notice later in the movie
daniel craig
Hey analyst dude I just totally dug this bullet out of my shoulder analyze it hopefully only three people use it and ola rapaace will be one of them
analyst dude
Ew! You did that yourself? What about calling a hospital?Do you have something against hospitals? Why did you dig it out yourself what if you severed a nerve or a ligament or a tissue?
daniel craig
A doctor r*ped me when I was a kid and it scarred me for life that's why I don't do doctors besides the gay fans in the audience were waiting for another shirtless scene
rory kinear
This is a uranium plated bullets which brings up the question of why you aren't dead from blood poisoning yet? Anyway we traced it and you are right this bullet is so rear its used by only three people in th whole word I don't get it if the bullet doesn't sell and are so expensive to make why do they keep making it ? Are you ripping off the tagged bill tracking scene in quantum of solace?
daniel craig
That's him over there(points at ola rapaace on the screen)
rory kinear
Oops ola rapaace is a ghost he only comes out when he wants to, you don't find him he finds you...............(2seconds later) ok here is the latest from his agenda flight to hongkong to kill a dude we have the flight seat number his shoe size his hair colour the sounds of his fart we have everything lousy ghost
Daniel craig
How did we know about this?
rory kinear
We have a few friends in the CIA who want him dead or alive for the murder of their ambassador to yemen
daniel craig
Er isn't this the time where I meet with felix leiter or dwayne or even jinx I mean we don't want th CIA to look like people who f*ck their agency over important information
rory kinear
Nope no contacts, a computer is just right thank you daniel we couldn't have done this without you
daniel craig
Seriously That guy fired like a billion bullets in istanbul couldn't you at least pick one and analyze it? *smh*
naomi harris
hello daniel, hey guys just breezed in to say I still exist
daniel craig
What are you doing here?
naomi harris
I'm going to be mallory's secretary during the transition *GIANT WINK*
daniel craig
How does that even relate? You were stationed in istanbul how did you come to be a secretary shouldn't they have to hire a real secretary if ralph fiennes needs one?
naomi harris
I got suspended because I shot you
daniel craig
Oh so friendly fires are now an offence? *rolling eyes* oh sam why didn't you even read a spy manual before shooting this? Almost looks like you are making this up as you go
naomi harris
Well its temporary though cause I shall be returning to the field soon
daniel craig
Really? But you are an african woman your place is either in a mans kitchen or behind a computer in front of a white man's office. Not in the field
naomi harris
Wow daniel just broke the misogynist record but luckily that's part of my totally lame character development so I'll let it slide
judi dench
Ok daniel I'm sending you to hong kong go there and await further instructions
ralph fiennes
Are you kidding? You are sending daniel? Not only did he fail all his tests , has a severe alchohol and substance addiction he is also the last guy ola rapaace saw in istanbul and will totally recognize him a mile away, this man needs rehab not reinstatement
judi dench
Well unfortunately 009 and 006 are on holiday besides this is the first film where we have to force james bond to be relevant its daniels time to shine
ralph fiennes
Ok will we be sending a tact team to assist him in extracting ola rapaace?
judi dench
F*ck that its daniels time to shine
daniel craig
Leave my mom alo.........ahem! I mean hire me or fire me its your choice
judi dench
Aw kuchi ku does baby want me to tickle his stomach? Baby wants ugly bull dog statue on my table? Don't worry I shall put it in my will
ralp fiennes
(Face palms)
To be continued.............