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TV/Movies / Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by severee(m): 3:26am On Aug 12, 2016 |
ben affleck Hey I just heard that scoot never got his pay checks what gives man? And who keeps sending me these prank letters? These aint funny no more worker Um boss? The town hall just blew up and scoot along with it ben affleck Really? Oh then back to work I guess narrator meanwhile jesse is working on micheal shannons body totally unsupervised jesse eisenberg Yes even though I'm not a scientist or a kryptonian I've stored vast knowledge and technicalities thanks to the 10minute tutorial video carla gugino gave me carla gugino You're welcome jesse eisenberg Now time to re-animate micheal shannon by splicing my dna with micheal's dead corpse and shoving him into the lazarus pit Wait why is there a lake in this space craft? How did no one get electrocuted before now?and how does my dna get to micheal shannon when my blood like totally difussed in this bigass lake? And what makes me so sure he will kill henry this time I mean they were 5 of them the last time and they didn't even get close to rumpling his shirt zack snyder shut up and make a joke before the audiences head explode jesse eisenberg Ok ok you flew too close to the sun micheal shannon Wait how does that make any sense is my skin tanned? jesse eisenberg No micheal shannon Is the sun suddenly harmful to kryptonians? jesse eisenberg What? No micheal shannon I don't get it was there a deleted scene or alternate ending in man of steel where I flew into the sun and got fragged jesse eisenberg Dude? micheal shannon *rolling eyes* Ok ok jeez narrator it's finale time and all the characters furiously prepare for it, ben affleck prepares by moping around like he was forced to eat cheese puffs outta a dudes a*ss jeremy irons So old man what are you doing? ben affleck I'm thinking because that's what old people do jeremy irons C'mon don't worry too much it's bad for your blood pressure and you know you got your athritis and all audience *rolling eyes* Ugh! we get it ben is an older batman jeremy irons So how exactly are you gonna win this fight against a dude who ripped your bat mobile apart by sneezing on it audience #1 Oh my God it's fan service time audience #2 Yea since he stashes his enemies weapons after their capture I bet he's gonna bulk up with banes venom and then distract henry with scarecrows gas and then do some crazy martial arts nerve-paralyzing move he got from the league of shadows and from kryptonian anatomy which he somehow knows about ben affleck Nah an anticipated fight like batman v superman should be totally unmemorable So I'll just borrow iron man's hulk buster, spray henry in the face with kryptonite and call it a day narrator diane lane also prepares for the finale by getting her a*ss kidnapped diane lane why hello sexy dude who looks like oliver martinez, you wanna pork me in the bathroom for old times sake callan mulvey First of all this isn't unfaithful, second you are 12 years older so ew and lastly I'm totally here to kidnap your a*ss for being henry's mother diane lane Finally! I mean with all the clues we carelessly leave behind what took y'all so long?(Gets kidnapped) narrator amy adams prepares for the finales by willingly walking into a trap amy adams Hey callan you totally look familiar oh sh*t callan mulvey Yea I'm about to kidnap your a*ss in this totally public place I just hope you aren't smart enough to scream and alert passersby amy adams (Gets kidnapped too) narrator gal prepares for the finale by being as boring as f*ck gal gadot Hmmm ben knows my secret identity so I've to run for it in narrator we are introduced to flash,aquaman and cyborg ezra miller Hi I'm an flash I fight crime and conceal my identity by not disconnecting the freaking surveillance camera jason momoa I'm aquaman the most unrelatable comic book character in the universe and don't judge me for taking on a movie that directors are avoiding...... I mean it's not like Game Of Thrones is gonna pay my mortgage scientist Hi I'm making a blooper video about experiments gone wrong now time to run around like an *diot while a dude screams like his nuts are on fire and the audience shake their heads in disappointment while marvel laugh theirs off ryan reynolds And I'm green lanter........ audience (Holding up a tyre iron)What you say? ryan reynolds Er nothing gal gadot Yep I'm definitely leaving audience Wait for us To be continued...... |
TV/Movies / Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by severee(m): 10:33am On Jul 29, 2016 |
narrator callan mulvey brings the kyptonite to jesse jesse eisenberg what da f*ck happened to my delivery truck? Were drag racing with it again? And where are your hommies? Are they on goons strike again? callan mulvey Well er jesse eisenberg Psyche! I don't care about all these or the trail your smuggling left behind that could lead the cops to me all I care about is my newly acquired kryptonite.......now shove it in this show glass so ben can come steal it later callan mulvey Wait you wanted ben to have it? Then why didn't you dump it at his door step or instruct us to toss it off the truck when he was killing our a*sses? jesse eisenberg dude it's been over an hour already in this confusing movie are you still asking questions? callan mulvey I guess not narrator so ben Repair damaged bat-mobile back to his batcave which is kind of hilarious ben affleck Grrrr! Henry wrecked my bat mobile oh I'm gonna show him I'm gonna make him bleed jeremy! Jeremy!! Get your old wrinkled a*ss out here jeremy irons What? ben affleck Why the f*ck were you radio-silenced when my batmobile was getting sh*tfaced? jeremy irons boy you don't talk to me like that! Now go fix me a cup of coffee 3 creams 4 sugars ASAP! ben affleck Yes sir jeremy irons And while you are at it,abandon the "hunt for henry" plot and go about your life normally ben affleck buh I wanna........... jeremy irons Boy you wanna get slapped into another planet? ben affleck no sir narrator meanwhile in metropolis it finally dawns on henry that he's a jerk and everyone is right to hate him henry cavill Amy I've finally realized that I'm a jerk and everyone is right to hate me amy adams Like duh you totally trashed two military drones and an american city which you've not apologized for by the way plus everyone is in the dark about who you are and what your mission on earth is I mean why did micheal shannon want you so badly? Were you a fugitive on krypton? Or a dual personality schizophrenic? Or a kryptonian spy who betrayed micheal to deceive us? Its no surprise they hate you if there's any surprise it's that they built a monument for you while hating you at the same time zack snyder Contradictions...... That's the snyder trademark henry cavill Trust me a b*tch slap isn't something you'll want from a guy like me amy adams Ok fine how about you organize a press conference like tony stark did at the end of ironman 1 you could explain your mission on earth and apologize for the mess you've made so far henry cavill That's a good idea but what I need is a dumb idea so let's go over it again amy adams Well you could track down the casualty from the metro attacks and help them get closure with the whole incident henry cavill Still a good idea amy adams Okay rebuild metropolis henry cavill Go dumb amy adams Reverse time henry cavill Dumber amy adams Hang up your cape and keep your promise to kevin costner henry cavill Dumber amy adams Don't know what to say man except you wanna go on one of em "grill your a*ss tribunals" which are totally biased and can make the world hate you even more henry cavill Hmmm I'll do that amy adams Yea...... wait what henry cavill Yea I mean what totally destroyed dr manhattan in watchmen will definitely work in my favour right? Thanks hun narrator somehow henry sends the word out that he'll seat with senator holly or senator holly has been holding empty hearings everyday since she reached out to henry or let's just say henry chose to appear at a hearing that holly coincidentally held for henry .....anyway holly bumps into jesse jesse eisenberg Hi holly holly hunter Quick arrest him jesse eisenberg Arrest me? Why? holly hunter Your jesse eisenberg Damn I must have really scrooged her over on the bribe for her to pick jail just to get back at me, anyway I gotta go get my prison shoes BRB holly hunter Ok jesse eisenberg Enjoy your hot seat holly hunter Huh? jesse eisenberg A hot seat for a really hot lady *snickering* holly hunter Wait you're not gonna blow up this hearing to cover your tracks are you? jesse eisenberg What? Me? HELL no holly hunter *scowls* narrator so henry appears before a hearing just in time for the hall to go BOOM!! zack snyder Nah this doesn't scream zack snyder let's combine two scenes , play a suspense score and build up to the hall exploding larry fong O_o you mean like dark knight when heath ledger went around whacking the participants of the money laudering case against eric roberts? zack snyder *sigh* yea narrator in the build up we see the holly hunter So henry this is how we approach things here on earth henry cavill you do know I grew up on earth right? I mean you totally heard micheal shannon announce it and all holly hunter Ok ok now what we are going to do here is..........wait is that pee? Gross who put pee on my table how did they sneak this past security so easily that's so gross where's jesse? narrator everyone suddenly goes silent and appear to be in deep thought scoot mcnairy Hmmm my wheel chair is getting hot tao okamoto Hmmm I just noticed I haven't said sh*t in this movie henry cavill[b] Wait are we out of milk at home [b]narrator then zack being a genius pumps life into the theatre with a nuclear bomb explosion which takes out the whole town hall audience Wait all that came from a guys wheel chair? This explosion actually looks like a jumbo fighter jet dropped it zack snyder Well I bet everyone here was successfully shocked audience Yea shocked that a kick-a*ss character like mercy graves was totally wasted do you read comics at all? zack snyder d*ck nuts henry cavill Ugh! Not another explosion this better not have wrecked my suit......oh wait I'm fine, it was nice chatting with y'all survivors Helppppppp mmmme henry cavill Oh right I still do those(helps out survivors) fire fighter You are a hero man henry cavill Awww thanks dude news Who did this? fire fighter Henry did it henry cavill why I outta....... To be continued..... |
TV/Movies / Re: Swing And A Miss: Captain America(civil War) by severee(m): 3:16pm On Jul 13, 2016 |
chadwick boseman Haha I bet everyone is excited to see my alter ego just a few seconds after declaring fukushu on sebastians a*ss russo brothers Yea its only a test run to see if you're cool so screw mystery cause it's overrated sebastian stan *rolling eyes* Are you a super soldier too? chadwick boseman Uh I'm not sure I mean they hardly say jack about me in this movie except that I can fight and jump really far I don't even think they mention my name black panther lyndon b johnson Black panther? Where? chadwick boseman Anyway I'm here to avenge my baba's murder that's why I brought no weapons and I am fist fighting and playing with you my prey cause I'm a panther get it? audience Ugh! narrator so they fight in their typical marvel choreographed fashion then chris joins but he's totally ignored because black panther kicks a*ss then a romanian army chopper gunship fires at them and probably kill a ton of occupants in the apartment beneath them sebastian stan Not that this isn't fun but I'm totally checking out chad boswick the hell you are(chases after sebastian) narrator then we are subjected to a silly foot chase scene where a grown a*ss dude with a tin foil wrapped arm is chased by grown a*ss dude running like an actual panther who in turn is chased by another grown a*ss dude wearing a costume and carrying a pot cover sebastian stan F*ck this I'm tired of running faster than cars I think I should go Grand Theft Auto and steal a bike chadwick boseman Sucker(slashes tyres cause you know.... he's faster than a bike remember?) chris evans This road is too neat and full of living people I'm an avenger must..... destroy..... Road sebastian stan Right on it buddie (blows bridge) don cheadle Alright stop the audience are obviously bored and since it's your movie you're under arrest chris and you too anthony anthony mackie Hey why do they keep roping me along during an arrest it's cause I'm black right? narrator then chadwick takes off his helmet in front of everyone even though he's a political figure and his arrest can further desecrate his fathers legacy don cheadle Yea you're his black side kick so go figure speaking of black welcome onboard the MCU express chadwick I wonder why you wore a helmet in the first place when you are just gonna take it off anyway anthony mackie hey how come he doesn't go to jail? don cheadle Cause this is the first black MCU character who doesn't suck donkey balls now get in the black maria narrator they haul chris and anthony to robert downey Waddup chris! seriously that's my first response upon spotting the dude who betrayed the avengers and gave superheroes a bad name just so he can help his hydra buddie chris evans so there aint gonna be 'major consequences' like you barked at william on the phone? robert downey Nah buddie kick your feet relax grab a granola bar or something hey guys get my man here a shirt and jacket, jarvis cancel all security protocol and pray a boring as f*ck villain doesn't waltz in and burst sebastian out emily vancamp Need a massage? chris evans You're still here emily vancamp Yea I work for the CIA now despite my previous employment being at a hydra safe house chris evans No I mean you are still in this franchise despite being just as boring as maria hills character why? russo brothers Good question perhaps we need to find her a job(Looking under their chairs) when we find how she can be useful we'll let you know narrator daniel sneaks in daniel bruhl I've totally sneaked into the building[s]because I'm as boring as f*ck and no one notices me[/s] under the guise of a UN official and I've sneaked an EMP into the country under the guise of a water heater? Wait hol'up I know I'm bada*ss and all but how did I know sebastian will be in romania? and how did I know they will send a UN official to interrogate him? And how did I know they won't bother checking me out at the gate to make sure I'm the real deal? And how did I know where exactly they will imprison sebastian? And how did I know when they will capture sebastian? russo brothers Yea we thought about that too that's why we shall shove martin freeman as a pointless comic Relief which fails to hit its mark carry on narrator meanwhile daniel has an accomplice deliver an EMP device to the power plant that controls all of romania's power supply because............coincidence accomplice Uh pizza delivery for electric company guys(avoids suspicion by running like hell) electric company guy An EMP quick turn it off or load it in the truck and drive it in a lake or(flips through script) oh my bad I mean *singing* stop and stare narrator the EMP goes off and hits the facility where sebastian is held martin freeman Quick turn on the reserve generators........wait we don't have those? sh*t hey where is chris and anthony? Aren't they prisoners anymore? WTF? daniel bruhl So tell me about your mission at the start of this movie sebastian stan No daniel bruhl *dramatically* sh*t stain, p*nis sandwich,dong ice cream,c*m mouthwash sebastian stan Ew alright what do you want? daniel bruhl Tell me about your mission in 1991 you do remember right? sebastian stan Of course I do it's only 20years ago and one of my dozen other missions it's only humanly possible for me to remember Just like how the audience remember the plot from captain america first avenger chris evans Aha! I've gotcha sucker why did you frame my friend? daniel bruhl Cause I wanna see the fall of an empire chris evans Holysh*t guys ultron is back daniel bruhl What? I'm not ultron i'm just a blander weaker MCU villain with a hybrid of ultron and lokis objective chris evans so in that case you have a cliched/silly objective, care to share or is it too early on in the movie? daniel bruhl Yea according to the laws of hollywood I can't disclose my plans till the end of the movie besides we've had just 2 action scenes in this movie we need at least 2 necessary action scenes, 2 filler action scenes, 1 useless action scene and the climax sebastian stan Speaking of useless action scenes, I just ripped off my restraints like a couple of bandaids (kicks the sh*t outta anthony and chris using MCUs signature bad editing) martin freeman Armed guards take out sebastian narrator a couple of mall cops show up with chris evans What a coincidence I happen to be the only one who isn't passed out right now so I will stop sebastian audience Oh God not another crappy shaky cam fight scene like from winter soldier russo brothers Nah! We are all about laughs in this movie that's why chris shall be performing an unintentionally funny stunt chris take the floor narrator sebastian tries to escape with a chopper but chris foils him by holding down a 6000 pound chopper and supporting himself with a 100 pound railing? Which actually works rather than rip chris in half , after the audience have a good laugh the scene ends with chris saving sebastian from drowning which somehow is the antidote to sebastians trance william hurt Yell yell yell yell national security yell yell yell protocol yell yell yell robert downey jr don't worry we will get chris back william hurt Fine I'll send a bunch of police officers to surround them afterall it worked well the first time robert downey jr Nah that won't be necessary just send chris friends accompanied by other super civilians to wreck sh*t and keep insurance companies busy william hurt So in other words reinstate the avengers that we just signed an accord to indirectly disband? robert downey jr Disband? william hurt Yea cause y'all didn't sign the accord and the consequence for that is retirement I mentioned that earlier russo brothers O yea we will find a place to squeeze in information that robert and don actually signed the accord rather than just show y'all when they did it To be continued.... |
TV/Movies / Re: Swing And A Miss: Captain America(civil War) by severee(m): 7:40pm On Jul 12, 2016 |
william hurt Well we've decided (after 8 years) that it's not right and so we are accord slapping your a*sses instead of you know........just asking y'all to retire and surrender your weapons or just killing you all to save us the headache chris evans Hmmm retire just like that? So we killed all those people and get away with a slap on the wrist? william hurt Accelerating a plot here people get your mind outta logic lane, just hurry up and pick sides before it begins to sink into the audience head chris evans Well you can't tell us what to do robert downey jr Well tough sh*t I just got grieve slapped by a black widow get it? Black widow? audience Ugh! anthony mackie I'm with chris because it's one black sidekick to a white lead don cheadle Then I'm with robert scarlet johansson I'm with robert but also with chris because women can't make up their minds in the MCU elizabeth olsen At least you're not forced to be on chris side and held by robert against your will to be uggled by a creepy robot....... Add that to murdering my parents and brother and you'll get a mystery as to why I haven't totally killed robert by now chris evans Hayleys dead oh sh*t my MILF I never got to score with her oh sh*t emily vancamp Its alright love chris evans You? Why are you in this movie? emily vancamp it was either me or maria hill chris evans As what? emily vancamp Your enabler chris evans Isn't that scarlet's job? russo brothers We haven't yet gotten a handle on your love life so I think we should just throw every female character into the franchise and see which sticks kinda like speed dating it will be fun audience More like gross and unnecessary russo brothers Let's skip to the next scene shall we narrator next we see gene farber a war criminal hiding out in [b]daniel bruhl Hey dude I crashed into your car you wanna let me in so we can talk? gene farber Ok one second let me just get my gun incase you aren't whom you say you are daniel bruhl Or maybe we could settle this with the police? gene farber Hmmm police that certainly makes you the real deal tell you what I'm not gonna pick up my gun and I definitely won't just ask you to leave since its my car and all, I will totally let you in daniel bruhl sucker(clubs farber on da head) narrator by the time farber comes to he's hanging upside down over a bathtub filling with water gene farber What do you want? daniel bruhl The fall of an empire gene farber daniel bruhl *rolling eyes* I wanna kill the avengers gene farber Uh shouldn't you be meeting with samuel jackson for that? Or probably teaming up with me I mean they are the reason why I'm out of a job and sh*t daniel bruhl Oh look your red book is not tattered and torn after over 20 years why didn't you burn this sh*t? gene farber Yea I just kept that I mean you never know when you'll want a hydra super soldier to do your laundry or clean your house and sh*t, anyway if I helpe answered your questions right now this movie will be 15minutes total so I'm not helping you destroy the avengers and save my life wait that came out wrong daniel bruhl Very well I guess I'll go the narrator scarlet is at a conference in vienna surprisingly not in handcuffs, she introduces herself to john kani and american chadwick boseman whose pretending to be african by being totally cliched scarlet johansson Rather than just casting regular african actors right? russo brothers We only cast indigenous dudes when we want to suck its countrys d*ck but africa is not really on our radar right now chadwick boseman Besides who can play this role better than me? scarlet johansson Uh chiwetel ejiofor,triple A,that razak azeez dude from doom, david oyelowo chadwick boseman Oh yea? well I happen to be here and you happen to be giving me f*ck me eyes and apparently I abandoned my security post........... hey wait a minute narrator boom! The conference is attacked in order to frame sebastian audience Hey dawn of justice called they said stop stealing their sh*t chadwick boseman Hmmm perhaps we should totally arrest and investigate the avengers as only they stand to gain from this scarlet johansson Uh this totally doctored and convenient camera footage shows that sebastian stan did it chadwick boseman And what would a hydra operative and enemy of the avengers gain from this? Its not like robert can't move sh*t around to make sebastian take the fall for all I know robert probably fired an invisible tank missile at this place scarlet johansson n*gga you are african act the part chadwick boseman Well in that case.......raaaagh sebstian killed my wierdly old a*ss father and I want............revenge chris evans Hmmm I feel I should be doing something since this is my movie what to do what to do scarlet johansson The cops are unto your friend whom we are not sure we can trust but help him resist arrest anyway? chris evans Oh thanks now how do I find him what to do what to do emily vancamp Lucky you have me, sebastian stan has been located "hiding" in the city of romanian capital bucharest and by hiding I mean not making any effort to change his appearance, renting a posh condo and waltzing about the market place during the day to buy fruits chris evans Yes in my movie am letting two chicks to spoon feed me instructions and information this should definitely make fans to root for me against robert anthony mackie If we are to visit your friend we must rely on stealth chris evans That's right buddie narrator chris meets with sebastian in sebastians porche apartment totally geared to the teeth to "avoid" suspicion chris evans How can you afford this on a fugitive salary? sebastian stan Hydra still pays me pension and sh*t what do you want chris evans There are romanian cops on their way to kill you so we took the first 2 minute flight from america to show up in your apartment and look concerned seriously I'm actually here to ask you to surrender and get killed romanian cops This is the romanian police we are here to kill you that's why we are announcing our arrival sebastian stan Winter soldier no dey carry last(hops out window) chris evans No sebastian you have to surrender to police(kicks romanian police in the head and a*ss)cause we are the good guys(kicks romanian police teeth in) if you run you'll look guilty(kicks romanina police in the nuts) To be continued......... |
TV/Movies / Re: Swing And A Miss: Captain America(civil War) by severee(m): 7:04pm On Jul 11, 2016 |
kay9: I couldn't help myself, make I no lie them try for civil war I'm rly impressed almost like they listened to my age of ultron complaints and its waaaaaaaaaaaaay better than BvS |
TV/Movies / Swing And A Miss: Captain America(civil War) by severee(m): 11:26am On Jul 11, 2016 |
narrator the movie kicks off with the deleted avengers montage showing chris evans struggle to adjust to the modern world without his war buddies or hayley atwell who just kicked the bucket russo brothers Hmmmm that will certainly put people in chris evans shoes and understand why he does "certain things" in the movie.............that's why we shall cancel that narrator instead the russos opt for an unintentionally funny opening where sebastian stan is been brain washed in a hydra branch office sebastian stan Raaaaaaagh! gene farber Dude I bet you 20 bucks I can make you do anything sebastian stan Raaaagh! gene farber Alrightie(opens a red book) when I call the following words you shall become a soldier for hydra sebastian stan Seriously! I'm brainwashed by a book man that's bullsh*t Raaaaaaaagh gene farber Okay here I go: sh*t stain, p*nis sandwich,dong ice cream,c*m mouthwash sebastian stan Ok ok jesus what do you want? gene farber A certain superhero needs a tragic backstory audience Wait just like dawn of justice? Is there gonna be a Maaaaaaaaartha twist in this one too? [B]russo brothers[/b] What? Er No of course not(runs to go change script) narrator then we see the avengers 'suck-d*ck division' on another unsanctioned mission in elizabeth olsen Hey look at me I'm drinking coffee at one of Nigeria's many coffee shops scarlett johansson And I'm wearing a leather jacket and leather boots when it is as hot as p*nis During summer in Nigeria chris evans And I totally just slept in this room with no mosquito nets anthony mackie sh*t I'm standing at the top of one of Nigeria's many sky scrappers with my fully charged jetpack and mini drone despite Nigeria's epileptic power situation Nigeria And we totally have a disease research center that foreign terrorists are attacking..........wait what? narrator the avengers strike at the right moment when the bad guys have already trashed the gates, made passersby sh*t their pants and flat out murdered everyone frank grimlo MuaHahahaha go go gagdet hammer go go gadget knife man I'm invincible..........wait a minute? I'm an opening sequence baddie? Aw c'mon I'm more bad*ss than this I mean I killed captain america in the comics And sh*t ugh! chris evans Sky dive kick b*tches terrorist That's weird did you totally just jump out of your hotel room or something? chris evans Shut up and get decapitated( kills a ton of dudes graphically) anthony mackie Pffft! That's nothing watch me point blank shoot this dude in the head(does so) chris evans elizabeth take out the knock out gas in the lab and launch it into the sky don't worry it's nigeria so no one cares about air pollution elizabeth olsen Or we could wait and ambush the terrorists when they get outta the building scarlet johansson Or we could just rig their suvs with explosives and wait for them to get in anthony mackie Or better still we could just send paul betany to handle everything I mean that's why robert created him right? chris evans and not get to risk innocent lives and property destruction? Screw that scarlett johansson Wait a minute I haven't kicked a*ss in this scene got to fix that, and remember to wait for your turn guys while I kick the sh*t outta your friends terrorists And we will also choose to hand combat you despite our tight schedule scarlett johansson Aw thanks sweety(tries to kick frank's teeth in) frank grimlo MuaHaha I'm another super soldier in a movie filled with super soldiers so Your r*pe prevention gadgets don't work on me.........anyway instead of totally snapping your neck like a freaking fish stick, I shall go all james bond villain on you and toss you into this SUV with a grenade and two 'dumbass henchmen who don't know what a grenade is' for company(does so) narrator luckily for scarlett the russo brothers don't know what a grenade is or what an explosion looks like so scarlet walks away from an explosion without going deaf or freaking losing a limb and sh*t frank grimlo Hey chris you dropped a building on my face and now I want.........REVENGE chris evans O_o any reason why you are being dramatic and sh*t? russo brothers Oh we're just getting started there's more where that came from narrator chris makes frank his b*tch despite frank being a hybrid of superman and inspector gadget frank grimlo *singing* when I say sebastian you stand still oya sebastian chris evans What's this mortal kombat? Why should I stand still just because you are dressed as sub-zero and you called sebastians name? frank grimlo Sebastian chris evans *rolling eyes* ok I mean *gasp* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?!!! WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?!!! WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?!!! frank grimlo Oh good you are distracted [s]time to make a slip or shove a wrist buzz saw down your throat or something[/s] EAT GRENADE YOU QUERE!!!! Go go gadget hand grenade elizabeth olsen Not so fast frank(does whatever the f*ck she does which contains frank just at the right moment........ that is when the grenade already went off) chris evans Quick shove him in the ground elizabeth olsen No I've got a better idea(tosses frank into a building) oops anthony mackie I guess your "bad ideas" followed you from the last avengers huh? chris evans Oh sh*t Quick! we've gotta hide elizabeth from a Nigerian lynch mob........... wait you mean nigerians who lynch innocent people in suspicion of witch craft will totally sit out on lynching elizabeth right now? Man I call bullsh*t on this one narrator next we see robert downey jr [s]sending relief materials to sokovian refugees[/s] giving a talk to some undergrads brought to you courtesy of M.I. m*therfucking T robert downey My parents were murdered in a "make it look like an accident" assassination plot and because my head is full of saw dust I totally didn't investigate the finger prints around my mothers neck or my fathers punched in face or the totally robbed trunk of their car instead I built this implausible device which CGIs you to death to make you students Jesus! you called us to the auditorium for this? Couldn't you like send a newsletter to our college accounts or sms our phones or something? school lecturer Hey robert I've got this idea you'll love robert downey jr Eat a d*ck nerd wow obviously I didn't learn my anything from iron man three whatever, I'll just hop into this unsecured elevator in this creepy hallway I just hope I don't come across an ironman hater right now or I'm toast william sharpe robert I've been waiting at this elevator for you this whole time cause I totally knew you would ditch everyone and take this particular elevator alone and without your iron suit robert downey jr Yea that's kinda st*pid but you're a black welfare queen so my paranoid senses are tingling like crazy william sharpe n*gga I'm no welfare queen I'm just a single parent and civil servant whose son was killed in sokovia leaving me with his college loans and sh*t oh wait I'm a welfare queen wow did tyler perry write this? robert downey jr Oh right! This is definitely the first troll I've seen since the avengers kicked off now I'm sad hence growing a conscience for the gazillionth time william hurt Luckily for you the world hates you guys so now will be the time to exercise your guilt and act like a d*ck Hey guys so you know how you go round the world trashing things killing people and leaving without cleaning up? (Shows a montage of MCU movie climaxes for continuity sake) chris evans Wow who got all that footage from those dangerous positions? The Suicide squad? see? I made a modern culture joke oh right I'm not adjusting to modern culture anymore that's good carry on willie To be continued....
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TV/Movies / Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by severee(m): 8:28pm On May 03, 2016 |
narrator next we see ben affleck trying to decrypt the file he stole from jesse then he starts tripping balls or having a thor-like vision but who knows? It's not like anyone bothers to explain anything in this movie ben affleck Um why am I wearing a trench coat in a Play station 3 desert?(A truck pulls in front of him) weapons dealer Hey dude wanna buy some black market guns? ben affleck Yea well on a normal basis I would have tossed a bat-grenade into this truck and totally broken your arm but it's a dream so it's ok to be a hypocrite weapons dealer Psyche! We're undercover cavill-cops and we are here to kill the resistance you are leading ben affleck Hmmm I guess I'm a total *diot in my dreams too alright where's my lightsabre? weapons dealer What? ben affleck I mean This totally looks like a set from star wars and since this a dream I guess I can use their props disney will be totally cool with it I promise weapons dealer Just so you know this is the home of darkseid after his death and deposition by henry whose gone bad for some reason and now you are leading a rebellion and we are....... ben affleck Totally stealing from starwars and the MCU I mean jesus we are totally teaming up to fight darkseid? Why not just call it the DC copycat universe And why are there gigantic insects everywhere? Did I just snap a guys neck? And overdose another guy on bullets? Jesus how did this movie get PG rat.....(Is knocked out by insect) oh wait the insects work for henry too? But I just saw them carrying away henrys foot soldiers like a buffet, well it's a dream I guess any crap goes narrator next ben is still stuck in his dream as henry cavill Just in case the audience are confused about me being good or bad I shall laser-eye f*ck some of my lieutenants for no reason, now ben she was my world? ben affleck Who your mom? henry cavill *shrugs* I dunno It's not in the script Any way you took her away from me. ben affleck did I kill her? henry cavill what part of ITS NOT IN THE SCRIPT are you not getting right now? Sh*t(proceeds to give ben a super hand job) ben affleck hey dude cut that out that tickles (wakes up) holy f*ck a 3D movie ezra miller No you m*ron I'm stealing the thor vision scene from avengers 2, now make sure you save her she is the key(disappears) ben affleck Jesus christ! Couldn't you write your message on a paper and show it to me or perhaps take a deep breath and explain what the sh*t is going on? See Now I'm just gonna ignore your message and give jeremy sh*t for dropping LSD in my coffee or something,oh wait jesse's files have been decrypted and there's a picture of a lady who fairly resembles gal and could easily pass for her grand mom so why did she pull that stunt at jesses party? jeremy irons What's up sir? ben affleck So I just found the white portuguese which is totally a vessel jeremy irons no sh*t, anyway I just used my super powers of 'plot acceleration' to decipher that there's no dirty bomb on that ship ben affleck Like duh! Who would want to buy a dirty bomb in america when we've got like a tonne of them, callan is carrying a rock which is capable of weakening kryptonian cells, how I know this or how I know calvin is from a planet called krypton is not necessary so I'm gonna steal the rock and kill henry with it jeremy irons Because he trashed your building? I thought the terraforming did that? ben affleck Screw him he is a threat jeremy irons just because they say so on tv? never took you to be a sucker for media propaganda ben affleck *rolling eyes* ok fine it's in the title man we are supposed to fight now if you excuse me, I've got a date with callan at the gotham docks and how I know when exactly he will be there is also not necessary narrator scoot mcnairy is bailed from jail by jesse eisenberg scoot mcnairy Hey jesse why did you bail me out of jail? jesse eisenberg yea I bailed you from prison cleaned you up and got you charles xaviers vintage wheelchair Just because it's tuesday I'm so up to nothing(nose sprouts like pinnochio) narrator callan and his goons who just happen to be russian because racism never gets old in hollywood are at the docks callan mulvey Yea we've totally bribed the guards of the docks and we've sealed the rock in lexcorp crates and loaded them into lexcorp trucks to avoid suspicion audience So why exactly are you armed to the teeth with assault rifles and rocket launchers? callan mulvey *shrugs* I guess it's something bad guys do I mean I never go to the bathroom without carrying an AK-47 with me ben affleck Yea I showed up in my bat suit to place a tracker on a lexcorp truck rather than just tailing them with a bat drone or something audience Oh that's smart perhaps you can find out where they drop the kryptonite and you stealthily snatch it from them ben affleck nah! screw it *typical batman action scene 2; the car chase* hey how exactly did I sneak my bat mobile into the docks with all the security around? Anyway........ yea take that for sneaking kryptonite into gotham(brutally smashes car killing everyone in it), f*ck my morality code(shoots the f*ck out of an suv killing everyone in it) and this is just for sh*ts and giggles(smashes the ships and trashes the property of innocent people) yea I live for this sh*t.... oh f*ck henry cavill is here I shall mow him with my awesome weaponized resilent epic bat mobile narrator henry crashes the car with his d*ck callan mulvey Thanks (escapes) henry cavill So I just saw a bunch of russian thugs shooting a sh*t ton of bullets and rockets at you and so I decided you should be stopped ben affleck What? That's bullsh*t man they were clearly attacking me first c'mon henry cavill *rolling eyes* Okay fine I'll let you off with a warning don't make me regret it ben affleck Hey wait! Whose gonna pay for the damage to my car? C'mon you wrecked it.......grrrrrr! I'm gonna find you and ki...... Oh sh*t wrong script I meant I'm gonna make you bleed To be continued...... |
TV/Movies / Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by severee(m): 5:30am On May 01, 2016 |
Tosinex: bros na wa for u o so you o dash them ya money small na, just kidding I actually watched it on someones laptop so I don't rly know but I think if you google "batman v superman dawn of justice"(3gp or mp4) something should come up @gebbson007 yea superman came back to life his heart beat made the dirt levitate or some sh*t, according to zack it's supposed to be a cliff hanger as if we beg am |
TV/Movies / Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by severee(m): 6:08pm On Apr 30, 2016 |
narrator next at the daily planet laurence fishburne is once again giving henry sh*t laurence fishburne SO............ I asked you to........... write about sports*flash and spectacle* and you do the batman *takes deep breath* story huh? henry cavill O_o dude chill out you just have about 11 lines in this movie I don't think anyone is here to watch an overweight black dude scream at superman laurence fishburne Oh yea? What if I do this(rips henry's article in two) this half is for my shoes and the other half is for my a*ss henry cavill [s]grrrr you wouldn't dare I hate working here I quit afterall I can always take this to a blogger or something[/s] *shakes head like a teenage kid scolded by his high school's team coach* laurence fishburne You know what's weird? henry cavill you have absolutely diddly squat significance to this movie and perhaps this worthless five minutes could be invested in the characters that actually matter like say superman and batman? laurence fishburne wow dude innaprops.......... Anyway what I meant was you could always punch ben through a wall or something and end his "reign of terror" what do you need us for? Your motivation for fighting ben is even more senseless than ben's motivation to fight you henry cavill Jesus! why do you keep calling me superman? laurence fishburne Cause you make absolutely no effort to disguise your self properly, I'm surprised the police haven't done a line up for superman with you on it. henry cavill I'm telling you I'm not super..... oh hey so I've got to er take.... a.... sh*t I mean a call I mean take out the trash? Shoot I should come up with better excuses when dashing out for super hero biz........anyway BRB laurence fishburne Yea sure like no one will get suspiscious when they notice you aren't in the loo, note to superheroes when you wanna work do it after your regular job I'm looking your way flash and green arrow narrator so ben totally travels 3minutes interstate to metropolis and infiltrates jesses party as the philantrophic billionaire that was all over the papers for rescuing a ton of people during the famous man of steel climax, he does such an awesome job of being stealthy that he is spotted immediately he hops out of his car henry cavill Hmmm with all the hot glamourous and flashy socialites at this event I only chose to notice a crappily dressed brooding dude whose that? waka pass oh so you know about the batman but not ben affleck I see? henry cavill Well yea aint no crime waka pass And all your years in america living in gothams twin city I assume you've been living under a rock or something henry cavill waka pass And I suppose you don't read the papers since he was almost made time man of the year when he rescued some of his workers while you trashed all of metropolis henry cavill why does everyone keep calling me superman? waka pass Oh we ain't supposed to know? it ain't our fault they never specified if your identity was secret in this movie ok? narrator so ben walks into the hall where jesse does cartoon character impersonations........ And oh gal gadot is here looking as suspicious as f*ck ben affleck Ugh! This party sucks balls time to use the gps in my head to find jesses server room and cram a sh*t ton of data into a flash drive under 30seconds *humming james bond theme* jeremy irons Ahem! Wrong franchise ben you're batman remember? henry cavill Wait what? I totally used my super hearing to find out that ben is batman and is obviously up to something......I'll get to that as soon as jesse finishes his sketch comedy it's so hilarious narrator ben shows his awesome ninja-like stealthiness by GETTING CAUGHT BY TAO OKAMOTO tao okamoto Er ben entrepreneur/jesses business rival affleck, what are you doing in jesses camera-less server room with confidential information for lexcorp? audience Oh my sh*t I just checked imdb and tao okamoto is playing mercy graves, luthor's bad a*ss hench woman I bet we will be getting some japanese martial arts stunts no wonder they got a jap to play her *gets a fanboy b*ner* ben affleck hey lady I like your shoes tao okamoto *blushing*Awwwwn thank you, take as much time as you like and steal as much as you want(leaves the room) ben affleck Yep that works everytime audience *lose fanboy b*ners* narrator ben is blocked by henry on his way back to the hall henry cavill [s]I totally know you are the batman so I wanna take you by the ear and drag you to a nearby police station then I'll proceed to write the exclusive of you being the batman and get a promotion probably[/s] hey ben let's talk about our citys superhero reps you know the way football fans argue whose team is better ben affleck Ok........... your hero sucks his suit is really ugly and makes him look totally gay henry cavill And your hero stuffs himself with all these gadgets just to battle street thugs ben affleck well your heros story in this movie was stolen from the superhero comedy flick hancock henry cavill *gasp* how dare you? Well your heros origin story of bats floating him out of a cave is totally aquaman sh*t ben affleck henry cavill jesse eisenberg Hey guys glad to see how you are getting along *snickering* bat sorry I mean ben meet super.......cavill I guess you two are getting to know....... each....... other if you know what I mean? ben affleck And what happened to your pretensious shakespeare theatrics? jesse eisenberg yea I got tired .........now I'm doing my character from rio oh by the way have you met gal god I mean gadot? ben affleck Oh that reminds me I've got to go take a leak in your server room jesse I'll brb narrator the movie gets more james bond as mystery girl gal gadot steals the flash drive she didn't see ben plant ben affleck Hey why are you stealing the info I stole from jesse? gal gadot Cause jesse has an embarassing selfie of me that I'm trying to destroy ben affleck O_o by stealing a copy from me? gal gadot Yea I don't really know that much about computers cause it's been encrypted and I couldn't open it ben affleck lady it's 2016 I doubt there is hardly a computer illiterate out ther....... Oh I forgot zack snyder hates women, I wonder what you were gonna do if you didn't get my flash drive? Would you have stolen his whole house or something gal gadot Well in all fairness I'm 10X stronger than any human and I've lived for 5 milleniums ben affleck Rrrrrrrrrr! So tell me do you bleed? gal gadot And that's how you hit on chicks? No wonder you're single and bitter ben affleck and that just cost you relevance to the plot now go wait for me at the movies finale I've got to rendevouz with callan in an action scene narrator then we see an audience Cool an irrelevant scene I guess I can hit the restroom now harry lennix really classy guys anyway so amy I just examined the bullets fragments and surprise surprise it's from lexcorp.........now take your bullet fragment back and f*ck yourself with it amy adams Wait aren't you going to at least produce this as evidence that perhaps henry didn't commit the mass murder? harry lennix Hell no, you know how hard it was for a black dude to be secretary ain't gonna ruin it by getting to bottom of this now if you excuse me I've got to go rehearse for my next scene which sees me sitting on my hands and being a totally incompetent secretary of defence, a quality that keeps you in the job bye amy adams Ugh! narrator next we are shown a montage of cavill saving a little girl from a fire in mexico and then looking all sexy about it while the mexicans worship him like a god?(Racist DC), then we see him working out with a NASA rocket, then we see him working out again by dragging a vessel across ice then we see him taking his sweet time to inspect his 'S' distress logo on a flood victims roof top all in sloooooooooooow mooooooooo audience Jesus! Hey zack you wanna lay off the pain and sorrow surrounding this movie damn! It's even more depressing than watchmen suicide squad Gulp! henry cavill Yea so I just saved a bunch of a*sses I bet the world loves me now World Reverse time back to pre man of steel and you've got yourself a deal henry cavill mommy diane lane Awww baby you aren't a bad guy henry cavill But they say I'm a jerk and I've no regard for property damage and I break the rules diane lane Those aren't true my love they are just hating on you cause you are fly (nose sprouts like pinnochio) audience Hey how come that fat dude from that ihop hasn't totally come out to tell the world supermans real identity? zack snyder Nah he won't do that he's a man of honor I mean it's part of the bully code To be continued....... |
TV/Movies / Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by severee(m): 6:03pm On Apr 28, 2016 |
narrator holly hunter visits jesse eisenberg again jesse eisenberg Why does thou giveth me thy f*ck me eyes does thou not knoweth that thou is being creepy especially as thou be old enough to be my mother? holly hunter Ew I'm not flirting with you I'm just trying to look sexy and empowered or isn't that how U.S female Politicians act? I'm looking your way sarah palin jesse eisenberg er ew! Have ye looked in a mirror lately? holly hunter *gasp* why you little........ That's it I'm rejecting your import license now I shall make a gross analogy about piss and tea then I shall bid you farewell jerk!(Walks away) holly's assistant Ahem! I can give you access to the kryptonian spacecraft and micheal shannons body jesse eisenberg Er should all that not be in thy military possession in thy area 51 or something? I mean it's not something ye junior senators will haveth access to , for a movie which takes thy self seriously it is astonishly how highly unrealistic it is holly's assistant I will get you all you need and provide you with free workspace to f*ck around with the corpse of an alien who almost killed us all but on one condition jesse eisenberg Which is? holly's assistant Awkwardly feed me a candy and you've got yourself a deal narrator meanwhile lois meets with harry lennix from man of steel harry lennix Hello amy (who I owe my promotion to) what can I do for you besides be a total b*tch and waste your time? amy adams Is the american military supplying harry lennix hehehe no we are not but we believe cavill is their sponsor and supplies them with lex corp arms and ammunition cause we have feathers for brains you see......... Now go make yourself useful and jump off a building so cavill can save you and give the audience a little action scene amy adams Ok why don't you analyze this bullet for me it came from that raid in harry lennix Okay fine I shall investigate and get to the bottom of this case that no one gives a crap about narrator next we see scoot mcnairy who is now confined to a wheel chair and mad at a henry cavill statue scoot mcnairy Grrrr! I'm in a wheel chair and I hate henry and I want to get back at him so I shall............DEFACE A HENRY CAVILL'S STATUE MUAHAHAHAHA! Of course I'm a m*ron so I'll totally do it in the full glare of the laziest policemen in america lazy policemen Dude put down that spray can scoot mcnairy Hey calm down let me just spray 'false god' and the superman logo then I'll get down lazy policemen Ok hurry up you've got 60minutes narrator next we see ben affleck in an underground fight club spying on callan ben affleck Yep it's me famous billionaire and philantrophist ben affleck out here in this obviously illegal gambling joint making eye contact with a paranoid mercenary who just went on a mass murder spree that's certainly a good idea, hey callan! calvin mulley What? ben affleck So here's the thing I know you are a mercenary and you are doing jesse eisenbergs bidding so how about we go out back and I smash your hands with a hammer and you reveal to me what you're helping him with calvin mulley Well if we do that, it will make us an action scene short so just clone my phone by placing your phone on the table next to my phone even though you don't know my number or even if I brought a phone with me........ what makes you think it's my phone you are cloning and not the bartenders or someone else in the room? And how come cloning a phone takes seconds especially when there are a bunch of stuff on it? ben affleck Dude shut up I cloned your phone okay? Now go wait in the next action scene jeez! narrator then ben heads back to the bat cave ben affleck Hi lucious..... I mean alfred I mean who are you playing again? jeremy irons Er alfred? your burtler? ben affleck My point exactly. don't you ever get to do anything interesting in this movie apart from sit around the computer and yan ballz to me all day........oh by the way here's your coffee? Really? I'm bringing alfred coffee? jeremy irons So I totally saw a chat between jesse eisenberg and callan about a white portuguese it sounds like a thing or a place I'm guessing you could ask google ben affleck Oh it's definitely a dude cause I'm that much of a racist and a bad detective jeremy irons *rolling eyes* alright fine how about you go [s]abduct jesse eisenberg and drug/interrogate him into telling you who the white portugese is[/s] spy on jesse eisenberg as it turns out he invited you to a 'spy on my house' dinner part so I shall begin booking your flight ben affleck Nah in this movie metropolis is just a few feet away from gotham I can even spit that far DC nerds what da f*ck ben affleck Oh yea james bond I mean ben affleck out To be continued...... 1 Like |
Romance / Re: If You Don't Know This,then Tell Me Two Thousand And What Were You Born? (photo) by severee(m): 6:51am On Apr 27, 2016 |
awwww! Kiddie!!! The N5 small size tasted like concrete but the N10 large size was a lot softer especially when you mix it up with condensed milk, thank God for my life say jedi jedi no kill me when I small |
TV/Movies / Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by severee(m): 6:39am On Apr 27, 2016 |
shockwave91: You haven't seen it? Lucky you the movie is a nightmare Imagine zack snyder that directed dawn of the dead and 300 and even watchmen david s goyer that wrote the dark knight and two of the most iconic superheroes in the world fighting each other, how they messed this up continues to be a mystery |
TV/Movies / Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by severee(m): 4:16am On Apr 26, 2016 |
narrator next we see holly hunter a US senator on the balls bursting committee called "the henry cavill balls bursting committee" meet with jesse eisenberg whose playing........... jesse eisenberg Lex f*cking luthor babe, we are just trying to keep up with the DC tradition of picking the wrong people for the wrong parts you know.......... halleberry as catwoman,arnold swarchzenegger as mr freeze ,george clooney as batman hell they almost casted one of the wayan bros as robin and nicholas cage as superman one time pfffft! DC amirite? ............I can sense your disappointment already but don't worry I shall not let you down *disney cartoon villain + pretensious shakespeare mode activated* thou art welcome to thy villain fortress of thy movie, gods falleth from heaven and demons falleth from thy skies as well zack snyder Yea people........ feel the depth and art of this movie audience Zzzzzzzzzz! holly hunter So you called me to your home this better be good jesse eisenberg I've have noticed that thou hateth thy henry cavill and feareth for thy safety of earth so through plot holes of thy hollywood I've foundeth that kryptonite be thy cavills weakness and can be used as a deterrent for he and thy meta human clan out there and all I need is ye permission to importeth thy kryptonite which hath magically appeared in india because..........plot holes holly hunter *long sigh* 1. Shouldn't you be submitting your research to the government for oversight especially as it concerns national freaking security and 2. Couldn't you tell me all these over the phone? jesse eisenberg Hmmmm *flips through shakespeare novel* ahem! Doubt that the sun doth move, doubt truth to be a liar, but never doubt I love............... And scene audience I'm sooooooo getting a refund zack snyder *clapping* oh God this is definitely what comic book movie fans have been asking for; cartoonish dudes with a bad wig that quotes shakespeare narrator next we are introduced to ben afflecks version of the batman ben affleck hi guys remember how christopher nolan was ashamed of batman comics and decided to change EVERYTHING about it, even his freaking name? Well we are defying bat traditions again simply out of laziness - Apparently now I'm no longer squimish about guns anymore infact all my gadgets look like guns and my car shoots people - I don't kill people but I skillfully outsource the killing of criminals to violent prisoners I call it the bat branding pretty cool huh? - I still suck at being the worlds greatest detective - and oh now I see visions apparently who would have thought? so now that I've run that by you people let's do the usual batman scenes that we see in every batman movie,usual scene one;I scare the sh*t outta policemen and make them talk about me like they are talking about an urban legend or something(tricks a policeman into almost blowing his partners head off). damn it! That would have made my night jeremy irons Hey master ben so I borrowed a metal suit from tony stark and I'm mending it into a bat exo-skeleton you know...... just incase you battle a powerful alien at the end of this movie and I've also worked on your voice modulator so you don't sound awful like christian bales batman I don't get it what's all the hype with batmans voice? Can't her just speak normally? ben affleck isn't that the luscious job? jeremy irons Yep? ben affleck And I just looked up imdb and it says you are playing alfred whose is supposed to be fixing me some dinner, holy sh*t I'm as hungry as a motherf*cker right now.........anyway I visited a prostitute warehouse and questioned a dude who works for callan mulvey aka the kgbeast and he laughed his head off cause he didn't know KGBeast was in this movie till he looked it up on wikkipedia so I got pissed branded him out of annoyance jeremy irons yea I guess in an overcrammed ambitious movie like this callan is just gonna be another unnamed thug just like dead shot in dark knight rises....... And come to think of it isn't he a gun for hire? ben affleck Yea? And he is sneaking a dirty bomb into gotham(nose sprouts like pinnochio) jeremy iron Well why don't you buy the dirty bomb from him and save yourself the trouble or notify CTU so they can interrogate his a*ss or beef up security at the docks or something problem solved ben affleck f*ck you man we need to stretch this mystery over 2hours and 30minutes okay? Now if you excuse me I have to totally turn this movie into a james bond flick narrator back in metropolis amy adams is taking a bath while thinking about the lives lost in nairomi(man just say somalia) henry cavill Hey why the frowny face my love? amy adams They said you killed those people in africa henry cavill Babe I don't give a f*ck about what happened in metropolis or nairomi(man just say somalia) I don't give a f*ck about the widows I've created or about the billions of dollars in property damage all I care about is shoving my man of steel up in your lois lane amy adams oh sex! yep that's definitely how to help someone who had a traumatic experience zack snyder Ok so we have to give amy adams something to do even though it leads to nothing in the movie.........oh I know why don't you go investigate the bullet in your diary that's definitely something the audience want to see narrator at the daily planet henry cavill an intern without university education has suddenly being bumped up to news column writer even though he sucks at his job and is hardly at the office laurence fishburn hey henry you are terrible at your job henry cavill Look at whose talking, you just allowed an unguarded amy adams (who almost died a few scenes ago) to go interrogate the US army about supplying weapons and ammunition to african terrorists laurence fishburn Well if you don't have a bunch of assassins hunting your a*ss or a gang of lawyers suing you for libel or whatever then you ain't doing it right, so what's your excuse why are you writing about ben whose in gotham? henry cavill Because he is dangerous? laurence fishburn Only to criminals henry cavill But he's trampling on the rights of the citizens laurence fishburn Well when you choose the life of crime, you actually lose your rights and privileges don't you agree? henry cavill And people are living in fear laurence fishburn Yea I suppose that's why they shine the bat signal in the sky besides no one lives in gotham as you've seen so far henry cavill Yea seriously, extras department what's the deal with empty gotham? I hope this isn't because an epic fight is gonna take place there and they don't want audience b*tching about endagering peoples lives and sh*t laurence fishburn You know what's weird though? you're superman you can hear all the distress of the world and resolve them all at the same time within the fraction of a second without even breaking a sweat Which kills two birds with a stone, 1 being that you get the front seat view to a ton of stories and 2 being that it may change the worlds opinion about you so why chase ben? henry cavill Er Super who now? laurence fishburn Wait I'm supposed to not know you are superman simply because of your geeky glasses and nothing else? for godsakes dude you are both the same height, same build,same hair and eye color and you both make out with amy adams henry cavill O_o I have no idea what you are talking about I'm just a small town boy from smallville and that's why I sound like a brit faking an american accent and nothing like the farm boy I claim to be(nose sprouts like pinnochio) laurence fishburn Anyway stop with the ben affleck stories from now on you cover sports that's why you shall attend a non sports function hosted by non sports person jesse eisenberg that surprise surprise has ben affleck in it see ya! To be continued...... 1 Like |
TV/Movies / Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by severee(m): 11:05pm On Apr 23, 2016 |
@armadeo @elcount My brodas na so we see am o DC don do am again,marvel will be laffing their heads off by now at least it's better than green lantern sha As for wonder woman well her appearance seemed forced and she had little to no impact on the story, the only good thing about this movie is the cinematography and the scores everything else......... 0 |
TV/Movies / Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by severee(m): 8:15am On Apr 22, 2016 |
DC executives marvel is totally sh*tting on DC comics with their cinematic universe idea which they had in the oven for over 4 years so we shall compete with our own extensive universe(no kidding we are calling it the DC extensive universe) which is barely a minute old DC president Hmmmmm I see this is a DC executives Well we have DC president *snaps out of sleep* wow even hearing that alone makes me bored but lucky for you I wanna make a billion dollars so f*cking bad so you've got the green light our secret weapon to make our movies more superior will be narrator A movie called Batman V superman starts with a few seconds of violent clubbering between batman and superman(duh) before it backdates to how their feud began zack snyder psyche! I'm gonna kick off this movie with an origin story of how bruce waynes parents were murdered and how he became the batman audience Ugh! We've seen that a billion times already zack snyder no but you haven't seen it this way before narrator jeffrey morgan and lauren cohen are shot right in front of young bruce waynes eyes in slooooooooooooow mooooooooooooo then ben affleck is playing narrator but falls asleep and forgets about it, then we see [b]zack snyder So........... What do y'all think? audience Zzzzzzzzzzzz! zack snyder Prick narrator next we see ben affleck in a tv commercial for jeep suvs ben affleck Wait what? No this isn't an ad for suvs this is the climax of man of steel from my perspective(calls an old dude who we don't know) old dude we don't know Hey ben so I was thinking can we like leave work early on account of metropolis being invaded by freaking aliens ben affleck Yea sure, this is a way better excuse than what you gave last time old dude we don't know Alright everyone rather waiting for firefighters or national guards to take us to safety, let's run around like crazy people and get crushed just because ben says it's ok, as for me I'll dramatically say a last prayer before I di......(Gets dubstepped to death) audience All outta f*cks to give dude I'm sorry narrator meanwhile ben is going all danger dash on us when his office building collapses and totally sprays dust everywhere except on ben affleck cos he's too sexy for that, he spots one of his workers scoot mcnairy Wait a minute how did I get here? Did I fall out of the building? Or did a wall just conveniently fall on my legs during a freaking skyscrapper collapse? Oh shit now I can't move my crushed legs which don't have blood on them for some reason Oh! Ben I bet henry did this to me because of that st*pid sex offenders list I told you I DIDN'T R*PE ROSAMUND PIKE back me up on that ben ben affleck Uh dude you know this is not gone girl right? scoot mcnairy Wait so you mean henry threw a wall on my legs for no reason? Oh f*ck I hate that dude I hate him so much ben affleck Oh shut up you whiny little sh*t or I ma call liam neeson on your a*ss again scoot mcnairy Right that movie did happen, damn I'm playing the same whiny geeky character again what's with hollywood giving me this sh*tty roles man my agent is so fired hey ben ben where you going? narrator ben saves a little girl from becoming picasso on cement art ben affleck Wohoo! I saved someone......... oh wait maybe I shoulda asked if she still has parents to know if the save is worth it little girl Or maybe you shoulda dressed up in your bat costume and bring along a batman rescue people mobile work more efficiently ben affleck Hmmmm food for thought little girl And maybe you should test to see if I'm some freakish alien or mutant cos I just survived a skyscrapper collapse without a scratch or going deaf ben affleck Na that's comic book logic that doesn't count little girl And maybe you shoulda prepared for this invasion especially since a UFO was found somewhere in alaska for Godsake micheal shannon gave the world 24 hours before flipping out on us it's so weird you existed in this universe when this sh*t went down but you totally sat on your hands and shouldn't you be rescuing other people? ben affleck alright lil lady I think you need a hug.........yay! Front row seat to watch henry beat the snot outta micheal shannon gosh I knew I should have brought some pop corn henry cavill oh pardon me metropolis nothing to see here just pounding the snot outta gen micheal here(crashes into another building) insurance companies Hey c'mon dude not cool donald trump Wohooo! Y'all should attack buildings more often david s goyer So from here -henry is arrested and imprisoned by the A.R.G.U.S - the teraforming causes radiation which increases the metropolis attacks casualty rate one of whom is jason todd or terry mcginnis whose dear to bruce which sends bruce over the edge - A.R.G.U.S studies on kryptonian technology inadvertently releases braniac who hacks their systems and finds a way to communicate with henry in prison - braniac turns henry against earth to save his race - ben affleck goes darker and does the unexpected by teaming up with lex to destroy henry - at the climax it all falls apart henry is "killed" by a severly injured ben whose too weak to escape police enroute - and A.R.G.U.S discovers bread crumbs leading to atlantis just before the screen goes black zack snyder Hmmm good idea definitely different from the others david s goyer Yea I guess I put a lot of thought into it zack snyder you did WHAT!!! How many times do I have to tell you the number one rule of hollywood david s goyer *sigh* be lazy and prosper zack snyder Exactly now do it all over again but this time hire the 5 year old kid that writes power ranger scripts to help you out moneys not a problem david s goyer Very well sir narrator so........the movie throws it's goodwill in the trash and forgets all about the 'henry owning up to the destruction of metropolis' story, it's been 18 months and somehwere in nairomi africa(man just say somalia) daily planet reporter amy adams is [s]trying to the relevant in an overcrammed movie[/s] interviewing an african warlord for her news story called Africa and how Hollywood sh*ts on it amy adams Okay first question, why are there heavily armed mercenaries surrounding you?do you need such expertise to terrorize defenseless villagers? african terrorist Perhaps I should look into that but I'm way too excited Yay! I love superman comics and my favourite characters are lois lane and her clumsy intern/photographer jimmy olsen micheal cassidy Well this jimmy olsen happens to be a gritty CIA agent who sneaked in a tracking device in my camera yea fool proof plan african terrorist Wow really? YOU'VE RUINED MY CHILDHOOD!!! (Shoots jimmy in the face) callan mulvey The moment we've all be waiting for after all these years of pretending to be friends with you guys has come now let's carelessly kill our customers in iron man 1 style terrorists What why? callan mulvey So we can terrorize the villagers terrorists Can't y'all just stroll over there and murder a f*ckton of people? We won't mind callan mulvey Well we also need to frame henry and make it look like he killed those people To make him look bad so the world hates him and then lex luthor can kill him terrorists Why not just skip to killing henry I mean it's not like you need the worlds permission before you do that callan mulvey You know what? Shut up(murders everyone and leads a raid on a nearby village) zack snyder and to make sure the audience feel the carnage and sorrow, we shall show absolutely non of the raid so the audience are confused for half the movie narrator meanwhile, amy is in a hut with african terrorist whose keeping her alive for no reason amy adams So........ Do you still wanna continue the interview? african terrorist F*ck no b*tch amy adams Oh God you're gonna r*pe me aren't you? oh please don't r*pe me....... hmmm maybe it was a bad idea to send a pretty red head to interview a savage and unpredictable terrorist note to aljazeera's sexy arab journalists african terrorist er I don't wanna r*pe you either since you're henry's girlfriend and I suppose he will be hitting that so I don't think I'm gonna like what I see down there I'm surprised you can still walk straight amy adams So what's going on? african terrorist I don't know I guess this what bad guys do right?Oh sh*t did I just say henry is your boyfriend? henry cavill (Crashes through roof) I don show african terrorist Hey how did you find me? henry cavill I heard amys cry over a thousand miles away african terrorist And you didn't hear me terrorize the villages in this country or shoot micheal cassidy in the freaking face? Real classy henry I guess the world is right to hate you henry cavill Come to think of it how does this my hearing thing work? Since i basically hear the whole world don't I get headaches or something? How do I even think straight? amy adams Hey ladies out there what do you do when you have an all powerful and yet violent boyfriend? You encourage him to be more violent so that one day he gets outta control and tosses you from a f*cking window watch and learn hey babe I want you to kill african terrorist while I watch *licks lips* henry cavill Oh sh*t I got a b*ner(takes african terrorist dude to another continent with his d*ck) amy adams Oh you bad bad boy *sizzles* oh wait my colleague just died have to look sad and shocked but NOT take a leave of absence from work.........ugh henry is such a jerk how do I get home now? To be continued......... 2 Likes
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TV/Movies / Re: Swing And A Miss: Spectre by severee(m): 6:03am On Mar 28, 2016 |
narrator lea and daniels severly underdeveloped "love" blows christoph and his henchmen away and frees daniel because somehow chair straps respond to computers daniel and lea then engage in a weird gunfight that wavered from shooting spectre baddies for a second and eye-f*cking each other for another couple of seconds , then suddenly for inexplicable reasons the whole facility blows to sh*t daniel craig How is this big-a*ss explosion not making us deaf right now? lea seydoux I'm more concerned about how we will make it back to england daniel craig No problem we shall totally GTA this helicopter conveniently placed behind us with a full gas tank, it's keys left in the ignition and a magic map that will tell us how to get back to england narrator with faith trust and pixie dust daniel and lea make it back to london anyway Daniel craig Hey ralph ralph fiennes you son of a b*tch why i oughta (grabs daniel by the throat) PSYCHE! Waddup daniel? got something for me? daniel craig Sure! andrew is a bad guy and christoph waltz is dead ralph fiennes And i should believe this because........................ daniel craig When i blew up those building blocks in mexico and.......... ralph fiennes so you did blow up those buildings you turd Daniel craig Dude do you want an excuse to kick andrews a*ss or not ralph fiennes Fine let's all hop into the mystery machine and solve this riddle daniel you coming? daniel craig Sure, hey lea where are you going? lea seydoux Er I just thought about it and I don't think I love you that much so I'm leaving you......now i shall walk into this lonely dark alley all by myself daniel craig Er shouldn't you wait till we are done with spectre to talk about this? C'mon do you even know your way around london? You know what? Fine! go, you are just gonna get kidnapped again anyway(walks away) narrator in the "empty" streets of london daniel and ralph cruise to kick andrews a*ss when their car gets f*cked up by spectre baddies immediately killing ralph fiennes and giving daniel a violent concussion........PSYCHE! They are both fine because it's a bond movie, anyway daniel is taken away while no one sees a 50 year old ralph fiennes slip through the scene because he is that sleek ralph fiennes Oh they took away daniel.........*shrugs* oh well more andrew a*ss for me to kick narrator daniel is driven to the old MI6 building which looks like an antic from the 60s and not a building that was evacuated 4years ago, daniel over powers spectre baddies by sneezing on them and walks into the building to find it has been made into a bond taunting funfair audience Hey sam joker from batman called he said STOP STEALING HIS SH*T daniel craig Hmmm maybe i shoulda waited to see what i was up against before overpowering those guys I guess I should be very stealthy from now on....... SON OF A B*TCH! christoph waltz is alive?(empties a whole clip at a christoph waltz whose standing behind bullet proof glass) christoph waltz Hi, i spent all day putting up bullet proof glasses and posters of past villains because........ audience *rolling eyes* all craig movies are related we get it christoph waltz i also rigged this building to explode making this the third grand explosion in this movie because I'm evil you see? daniel craig Wow i'm more concerned with how you walked away from that other blast with just a crappy scar you were supposed to be blown to sh*t man!..........wait did you just say you rigged the building to BLOW?! christoph waltz Yea and i shoved lea in M's office so you'll spend all 3 minutes looking for her daniel craig Lea's here?Wow all it took was less than 5seconds to get recaptured ugh! What a b*tch christoph waltz Well now that i've trapped you in the building i shall now fly away as easily as i flew in despite being known to MI6 as a terrorist goodbye mr.craig narrator meanwhile ralph boringly confronts andrew ralph fiennes M doesn't really mind you earning a little money on the side...... Oops wrong script but wait aren't we repeating the opening scene from casino royale? andrew scott No we aren't ralph fiennes It's night, the buildings all dark you are a high ranking british intelligence officer andrew scott Still don't see any similarity........ ha! i shall shoot you with an....... ralph fiennes Empty gun? Just like casino royale i'm even gonna flash your catridge at you and stuff andrew scott Oh my gosh this is totally casino royale that's why i shall spice things up by fighting like a little girl ralph fiennes And i shall fight like a grandpa narrator the dance of shame goes on for not too long before andrew falls off a building and dies like a disney cartoon character audience Hey winter soldier called they said STOP STEALING THEIR SH*T narrator meanwhile, daniel uses the GPS in his P*nis to find where Lea is stashed daniel craig Hey lea i'm glad you are alright now we shall jump a billion feet lea seydoux To our deaths? daniel craig Oh don't be silly we'll totally survive it i learnt this from skyfall(jumps a billion feet and lands on a motor boat.......... don't ask) hey isn't that christoph's chopper? christoph waltz Lalalalalalalalala escaping in my chopper no worries in the world daniel craig B*tch please!(shoots chopper down with a hand gun because laws of physics is also forbidden in bond universe ) sam mendes Just thought i go biblical and throw an ode to david and goliath you know what i'm saying? narrator christoph's chopper crashes but he doesn't die for "opportunity to return" reasons, daniel hops outta his motor boat and walks towards christoph christoph waltz Oh thank God, please daniel shoot me i don't wanna be in another cheesy bond flick please sam mendes Cheesy? But kingsmen said they liked bond movies this way mathew vaughn Haha suckers(goes along to make a gritty as f*ck movie) daniel craig I would love to shoot you right now but I've got a tonne of cops who will witness me kill an unarmed dude so sorry can't help ralph fiennes Hey christoph on behalf of her majestys secret service i shall now hook you up to a life time supply of prison r*pe b*tch christoph waltz O_o how exactly are you gonna do that? You have no evidence that I'm evil and your only witnesses are an alchoholic insurbudonate MI6 agent who murdered a ton mexicans in a terror attack and a well respected british intelligence officer you carelessly killed ralph fiennes alright fine I'll give you a lift home but no more evil spectre stuff you promise? christoph waltz Yea yea I promise(nose sprouts like pinnochios) End audience Thank you God naomi harris Oh sh*t wait stop i forgot the evil satellite is about to launch we are going to be spied on and andrew is the only guy who knows how to turn it off audience Oh God WHyyyyyyyyyy? ben whishaw Pfft! I've got this i shall miraculously shut it down with my laptop i woulda used my phone but my battery is dead (Shuts down the "non-threatening" threat) daniel craig Hey lea lea seydoux I love you again because *singing* I change my mind like a girl changes clothes daniel craig One more thing.......ben have you fixed my car despite not having time due to following me about this movie? ben whishaw Yea here it is daniel craig Riding unto the sunset b*tches till lea gets murdered and I swear revenge against spectre(sh*ts all over the set and wipes a*ss with his james bond movie contract) End for real |
Education / Re: Queen’s College Teacher Accused Of Sexually Molesting Girls Finally Responds(pic by severee(m): 6:19pm On Mar 20, 2016 |
twoondei: Nah! This kind case them no dey listen to both sides except we are supposed to believe the girls r*ped the dude.make the man just thank God say my pikin no dey among, I for cut e prick give am chop #bastard |
TV/Movies / Re: Swing And A Miss: Spectre by severee(m): 5:25pm On Mar 20, 2016 |
narrator the following day daniel and lea get off the train and wait for spectre to pick'em up? sam mendes yep At this level i guess you should just along with what you see folks narrator shortly after, a rolls royce pulls up in front of them lea seydoux Hey what's that? daniel craig That's a rolls royce lea seydoux *rolling eyes* i mean why is he here? rolls royce driver Ahem! May i kidnap you please? daniel craig Well since you asked nicely(hops into the car) narrator daniel and lea are driven to a set location from quantum of solace but the hotel dunais is swapped for a fake looking villain base built in a crater christoph waltz Hello daniel welcome to my hideout daniel craig Hide out? You know a drone can totally scope you guys from the sky right? christoph waltz Shut up! daniel craig And with all the power you consume, the electric companies are bound to get curious christoph waltz Didn't i say shut up? daniel craig And of course a rolls royce totally brought us here......... I mean people are bound to get curious about a rolls royce coming in and outta a cave in tangiers christoph waltz *scowls* daniel craig So lea and i aren't dead yet, i suppose it's because you wanna unveil your evil plans yes? christoph waltz yes I fed you and housed you and clothed you so I can pointlessy torture you, but before that, I shall unveil my evil plan just incase you escape and begin to wonder how to defeat me.................. Now my evil plan is to install a sh*t load of cameras to spy on Everyone so we can see what you are doing at all time muahahahahahahaha! daniel craig That's it? And what happened to "we have people everywhere" in quantum of solace? christoph waltz Well what more can a well connected and powerful shadow criminal organization need than MORE INFORMATION muahahahahahaha By the way all the bad guys in your movies work for me daniel craig What? christoph waltz I mean all the sh*t that happened to you by chance like ola rapaace carting away with that NATO NOC file or eva green commiting suicide out of guilt and mathieu almaric sending bolivian cops after giancarlo and drowning gemma arteton in crude oil were all my orders to hurt you daniel craig What? Even javier bardem? Cause that looked pretty personal to me christoph waltz It was all me daniel daniel craig Including the part about a riccocheted bullet killing judi dench by chance? christoph waltz Yes that was me too daniel craig Hmmm what else did you plan? katrina? 2007 economic recession? Price of oil? christoph waltz yea even judgement day that's my call too I did all just to mess with you daniel craig Hmmm you know what's funny? Why didn't you just stop me from foiling mathieu's plan of overtaking the whole of south-america Or stop me from foiling the skyfleet stock short in casino royale? At least that would have gotten you some ROIs rather than your fruitless "hurt daniel" missions mr christoph lamez christoph waltz hey F*ck you man i'm blofeld tada! audience Tada? It's a movie called spectre who else runs spectre? christoph waltz Now I shall prolong this fruitless scene by leaving my current tasking project to spite you........em hey lea did you know daniel was there when your father died? Here watch their video lea seydoux Honey you're such a badass you didn't even flinch when jesper spilled his brains like pedigree from a can christoph waltz O_o ok, now I shall show daniel a live footage of ralph fiennes being retrenched muahahahahahah! daniel craig Oh dear christoph waltz Yea....... pretty evil right? daniel craig No! I was just thinking may be i should have handed the ring over to ben whishaw when i returned from mexico and avoid all these really really boring plot Hollywood Common sense is forbidden in hollywood movies (Knocks out daniel) narrator next daniel is strapped to a chair with clothes on this time so daniel is a lil relaxed daniel craig Wow I had this bad dream that I was in a bond movie with the most boring blofeld depiction ever..........oh no it's not a dream.......... christoph what are you doing? christoph waltz being evil daniel craig thought so....... Hey why am i tied to a chair? What do you wanna do to me? And why is lea walking around freely and unattended? For f*ck sake she should be tied down too #GenderEquality b*tches c'mon christoph waltz Hey lea did you know that Daniel and i are brothers? my father was made daniels guardian when daniel lost his parents daniel craig Really? what happened to albert finney? I thought he brought me up according to skyfall? christoph waltz Ahem! Trying to tell a forced story here don't interrupt so........... i was jealous of daniel so i killed my father ,faked my death and started a criminal empire audience Hey austin powers called he said STOP STEALING HIS SH*T!!! lea seydoux So you became a megalomaniac become of an unwanted house guest? And how old were you back then? you look more like daniels grand father than his older brother christoph waltz smarta*ss...........Ok let's lobotomize daniel lea seydoux Ouch! Why? christoph waltz Because I'm evil muahahahahah?! lea seydoux Seriously why? christoph waltz Because i'm trying to forget that i was in this movie, so i wanna try it on daniel first daniel craig Aint working christoph waltz Really? sh*t ur.......er......um ok I'm all outta evil things to do why are the cameras still rolling? daniel craig Lea let's blow up this facility and escape take my watch and......... lea seydoux Nah that ain't powerful enough I've got a bigger bomb shell..........DANIEL I LOVE YOU daniel craig What? christoph waltz What? audience What? spectre operatives What? eon productions staff What? spectre facility What? Oh I mean BOOM!!! To be continued..... |
Celebrities / Re: Chrystabel Goddy Bits Princess Chineke On Her Thighs (Graphic Pics) by severee(m): 7:18pm On Feb 14, 2016 |
suarez come see ya wife for ere o |
TV/Movies / Re: Swing And A Miss: Spectre by severee(m): 6:14pm On Feb 14, 2016 |
narrator daniel goes in search of jespers mysterious daughter who works in a clinic at the top of a snowy mountain because daniel craig Hmmm jespers daughter just happens to be really sexy and of bond girl age yumm! lea seydoux Pardon me daniel craig I let your father commit suicide while I watched like a creep now he wants me to find some dude called le merican......... And oh I almost forgot he wants me to protect you too lea seydoux O_o so you paid all that money and filled all these forms and wasted all that time to fix an appointment just to tell me this? What if you were assigned to another doctor did you think about that? Now leave my office anyway daniel craig Leave your office? I'm an assassin who practically killed your father for being a jerk to me and that's the best you can do? What's with this movie and terrible acting? Ugh i need a drink bar tender Crushed brocolli juice with a twist of cucumber and pickles shaken not stirred sir? daniel craig What da f*ck dude? I'll rather suck my own d*ck thank you ben whishaw Hey daniel i've come to take you home daniel craig Not scared of flying anymore ben whishaw Oh right! let's hope the audience don't remember that daniel craig Hey take this ring and have it analyzed. ben whishaw And what exactly will i be looking for? daniel craig Hopefully a weak plot device that forcefully ties up all my previous bond entries dave batuista Pardon me nothing to see here just kidnapping a doctor in broad daylight in the full glare of everyone because..........irrational dude remember? Hey wait! Where did i get a range rover on a hitman salary? daniel craig Oh sh*t(chases after them) audience Oh yea i bet we will see some cool snow skiing stunts since you were raised by a skii instructor and i bet you'll like to pay homage to on her majestys secret service daniel craig F*ck that sh*t i've got a better plan.......*in epic voice* this is a job for BRITISH WALEED ALSHERI-MAN narrator daniel steals a plane and using his years of training as a professional assassin he goes all 9/11 on the whole of austria probably killing a few innocent austrian residents while at it dave batuista Hey lea you like my sawn off handgun I bet it's turning you on right? just look at it penetrate through daniels aircraft without killing him lea seydoux *scowls* dave batuista Ok someone roofie the f*ck outta her I bet that should turn her on spectre operative I'm on it (loads syringe full of roofies in front of lea like that's a good idea) lea seydoux Hey look over there angels of death from on her majestys secret service spectre operative Really? Where? I heard those chicks were hot (Gets roofied by lea) oh you b*tch erk!(Passes out) dave batuista Damn it what exactly turns you on for christ sake car crashes? daniel craig I heard that!..............Wait a minute i should also take into consideration that lea is in one of the suvs and she may get hurt......nah she will be fine(crashes the f*ck outta the plane) ben whishaw Er why are scary dudes looking at me weird in this cable car which i'm also not afraid of by the way? I'm not that kind of homo man scary as f*ck dudes We are here to kill you by staring you to death audience I bet ben whishaw has some kickass gadget to display and kill off scary as f*ck dudes with, then perhaps he will make some quip to spice things up ben whishaw (Runs away like a b*tch) audience Any point to that scene? narrator meanwhile bond is done crashing into the evil suvs and lea crawls outta the wreckage without a scratch but she is unconvincingly in shock daniel craig Come with me if you want to live lea seydoux Seriously we are stealing from the terminator? daniel craig Nah actually i was going for bourne identity but *shrugs* hey,whatever works............ so........*smacks* unto tangiers? lea seydoux Unto tangiers dave batuista I heard that narrator daniel and lea meet with ben at some hotel in austria daniel craig Ok seriously i just killed a ton of dudes and destroyed a plane yet no cop is after me? austrian government Yes because according to movies the only thing austrians are good at is tosca and even more tosca isn't that right rogue nation? Rogue nation F*ck YEA!! ben whishaw So this ring connects all the bad guys from previous craig movies daniel craig And how is that possible? Never saw a ring on mads mikkelsen or mathieu almaric or javier bardems fingers and isn't it a little convenient that they are the only ones who have worn the ring? And how have their DNA not wiped off the ring when alessandro washed his hands of wiped the ring? and knowing me and my habit of foiling every one of their plans,Why didn't spectre ever try to kill me? ben whishaw Dude this movie is connected to the others movies now piss off narrator daniel and lea journey off to tangiers in search of le merican lea seydoux By the way le merican is a hotel not a person what a mystery right? audience Zzzzzzzzz *snaps* God will this movie ever end? daniel craig Ha it's a good thing this place is still intact despite being abandoned for years oh look a dusty old bottle of scotch my favourite (guzzles it down) hey lea you wanna play hide the pickle with a me lea seydoux Hell No! That's f*cked up man you are old enough to be my uncle daniel craig *evil smile* oh we'll see about that....... hey look a wall made of paper marche(smashes through the wall like hulk) there's a 'writing on the wall' sam smith Ugh! lea seydoux Hmmm a convenient list of spectre members ,*shrugs* I guess jesper was writing names of noise makers that day or something narrator next daniel and lea board a train to nowhere because sam mendes has a serious b*ner for trains daniel craig Hey i wanna give you the "death talk" have you killed a man before? lea seydoux Don't worry i've seen quantum of solace already take a deep breath, make it count........ But i don't like guns i prefer being rescued by a MAN and besides spectre didn't kill my dad so everything is cool daniel craig Okay let's do a mr and mrs smith cohabitation gag to amuse the audience audience Zzzzzzz *snaps* Please..........make it stop narrator next we see daniel and lea are[s]strategizing on how to attack spectre or gathering intel to forward to MI6[/s] having a romantic dinner because spies gotta eat right? And oh daniel is in a classy dinner suit because why not? daniel craig O_o you know I could equally have dinner in my pajamas right? It's dinner in a f*cking train sam mendes I'm sorry I just remembered that I forgot to insert a tuxedo scene so I had to force one in here just like I did in skyfall narrator lea shows up in a f*ck me dinner dress daniel craig holy sh*t!!!(springs a lick) lea seydoux You know how i said we aren't gonna have sex? Well i've decided to look sexy and hope you don't get drunk and force yourself on me afterwards daniel craig Any reason why you are also giving me f*ck me eyes and having the whole "walk away from this spy business talk" from casino royale? Oh sh*t don't tell me I'm gonna quit the spy game for you, c'mon I was hoping to swim in the pants penelope cruz and emily blunt before retirement damn it! dave batuista hi! daniel craig WTF dude? How did you find us? And where is your ridiculous shotgun/handgun? dave batuista Well i(searches pockets) oh sh*t i had it on me a few minutes ago i swear.........good grief! did i just drop on you guys without a gun? daniel craig lucky me I happen to have a gun dave batuista haha this n*gger brought a hooker gun to a dave batuista fight(redecorates the train using daniel as a wrecking ball)*singing* I came in like a wrecking ball audience Oh this should be nice two gritty and highly skilled assassins fist fighting narrator dave and daniel embarrass bond fans by recreating richard kiel and roger moore's train fight scene from "the spy who loved me" audience *shake their heads in disappointment* lea seydoux hey can i help? dave batuista keep ya girlfriend outta this(b*tch slaps lea into a mini-coma) now back to mopping the floor with daniels a*ss daniel craig (Running like a b*tch) HELP!!! dave batuista Come back here b*tch i ma beat you till candy come out you hear me? I ma beat you like a pinanta daniel craig What da? Why are there never anyone around in these action scenes? are we the only ones on the train? Ugh! lea seydoux I'll save you my love(fires yakubu shots). whoops! Babe you wanna save me now? daniel craig Gotcha (Puts a rope around daves neck and attaches its hook to a gas canister , yep its as confusing as it sounds) dave batuista now I'm really wishing I brought a gun onboard, anyway it's been fun see ya in GOTG 2(disappears like mary poppins) lea seydoux So daniel......what do we do? daniel craig Well we haven't had dinner, we've destroyed this here train and we just killed a high ranking spectre member which may unleash the wrath of the other assassins on our a*sses plus thanks to batuista i will be needing a billion stitches and we are both writhing in pain, So obviously our best course of action is to have sex lea seydoux *smitten* awww! nothing turns me on more than an alchoholic wimp who encouraged my dad to commit suicide (They have sex) To be continued.... |
Celebrities / Re: Flavour Visits Didier Drogba Orphanage Home In Ivory Coast (Pics) by severee(m): 6:06pm On Feb 14, 2016 |
my frnd kneel down there instead make u build haus for them u dey buy them bag of rice and carton of biscuit make I catch you next time dey sing song say you get money |
TV/Movies / Re: Swing And A Miss: Spectre by severee(m): 4:43pm On Feb 14, 2016 |
mrmagoo:Answer me one question, where does spectre fit in a post cold war world? For Godsake they were so forced that they didn't even have a decent evil plot and failed to be menacing plus quantum and spectre are two entirely different organizations with different mode of operations that do entirely different things so how can quantum be part of spectre it may have even the a bit manageable if spectre was the muscle wing for quantum mrmagoo:Oh really? Bond has gone from the cold calculated assassin who trusts no one and doesn't fall in love cheaply to a wise cracking wreckless guy who willingly walks into a trap 3 good times and f*cks anyone just for the sake of f*cking yet you didn't notice this? I see mrmagoo: The theme is how you tell a movie Apart from the other, it's laziness when you just re-use old stuff and frankly themes and scores are the bread and butter of the bond franchise how could you possibly be okay when you eagerly await the new scores only to hear the old one? even mission impossibles cue theme is edited with each new movie mrmagoo: Donald pleasance could get away with appearing at the end because it was a reveal that fans awaited for years and he didn't have much work to do but christoph waltz was bond's brother, who died and came back to life and is the suprise head of an agency bond has been tracking for the past ten years be honest is three scenes enough for all that? mrmagoo: keep in mind that bond met lechiffre, green and silva by accident so suggesting blofeld has a hand in their meeting and outcome Is just plain silly mrmagoo: 00 section has been cancelled,he didn't report back to M at the end, Q said it to him at the end even sam smith hinted it in his song from the tone of the movie did it look like bond was getting ready for another mission after this one? mrmagoo: lol what scenarios please? There was absolutely no chemistry between the both of them all of a sudden bond is being tortured and she goes I love you? Even their sex scene had no chemistry mrmagoo: Dude the movie is awful suck it |
TV/Movies / Re: Swing And A Miss: Spectre by severee(m): 9:14am On Feb 12, 2016 |
narrator daniel is done r*ping monica so he contacts his buddie from the CIA to "protect" monica let's all try to forget that spectre had direct links to the CIA in quantum of solace, moving on daniel is just in time to attend alessandro's succession meeting which is in a grand chapel with luxurious cars parked in front because........subtlety annoying bouncer Wetin happen? wetin happen? Who you be? Who you dey find? daniel craig You dey mad ni? You no knw me again?(flashes ring at annoying bouncer) annoying bouncer Hey! this looks like the ring that was missing from alessandro's corpse we've been waiting to see the slowpoke who will try to infiltrate one of our meetings with it, please come in daniel craig Why thank you(walks in) narrator daniel walks into the worlds largest and creepiest board meeting and in typical fashion spectre spills their evil plans in the presence of an MI6 agent Spectre Operatives Bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb Bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb Bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb Christoph waltz So anyone wanna replace mr alessandro? Hurry this up i've gotta feed my cat *WINK* doomed spectre dude I shall replace alessandro and i shall bring #Change to spectre operations i am loyal and patriotic to spectre. #SaiSpectre christoph waltz *Yawn* anyone else? dave batuista Hey guys remember me from guardians of the galaxy as the irrational big blue dude? Well guess what? i'm an irrational big dude in this movie as well(smashes doomed dude's face against a table,makes eye jelly outta him and snaps his neck for no reason) christoph waltz Hmmm a scary as f*ck dude who lights the fuse on every situation and can easily blow our cover........ you're hired spectre operatives Is there any spectre meeting where someone doesn't get brutally murdered for no reason? If we can get killed off so easily i wonder why we are always so eager to join? christoph waltz So next matter of business daniel craig just infiltrated our meeting but don't worry you see it was a trap and now i've placed annoying bouncer behind him dave batuista I'm on it(hops into his extremely expensive jag and chases after daniel)hmmmn on a hitman salary?*shrugs* narrator they race through the streets of italy and despite being a high speed race between two expensive as f*ck sport cars, the italian police chose not to give a sh*t daniel craig Hey naomi! i've found no better time to call than during a car chase naomi harris What is it daniel? daniel craig First of all despite just seeing my dead brother alive and being on the run from a murderous lunatic, let's quip about your boyfriend at the pure disgust of the audience naomi harris Done daniel craig Alright then,now reveal the identity of this pale king everyone has been talking about naomi harris How exactly do i do that? daniel craig It's in your script damn it naomi harris (Flips through script) Ah yes it's jesper christensen from quantum of solace and casino royale remember him? daniel craig You mean the dude that blackmailed eva green into committing suicide and almost got judi dench murdered? grrrr! How is he still alive? oh i'll crush him, i'll crush him and feed him to the pigs i'll cut out his heart and make him watch it stop beating sam mendes Cut! alright let's do this again but instead daniel act like jesper is an old dictionary you forgot to take back to the library daniel craig Gorrit, so where can i find jesper? naomi harris He is hiding in austria daniel craig Won't call it hiding if we can actually find him you know what i mean? Anyway yea please help me find out how christoph waltz is still alive despite dying in horrible bosses2 thanks dave batuista Ahem! daniel craig Oh right you're still in this movie dave batuista One question, how is an aston martin faster than a jaguar? daniel craig The same way an aston martin has sting missiles(sting missiles don't work) sh*t i mean the same way aston martins have smoke screens(smoke screen doesn't work). damn it, the same way aston martins fart fire?(Fire farts work) cool now i shall dave batuista Seriously? you think i can't see you in a parachute not too far from here?(Flips through script) oh look i can't *shrugs* oh well(walks away) narrator next we see ralph, greg and andrew in tokyo for a G9 meeting of all intelligence heads? ralph fiennes only in bond movies why are we even here? andrew scott We are here to vote for or against joining our powers together to spy on weak nations without their permission #GoDemocracy ralph fiennes And what if we vote no other intelligence chiefs Then we'll call off the meeting in which case why the f*ck did we travel so far for a minute meeting ugh! andrew scott dude WTF we talked about this i ought to get you fired to get you outta my way and promote my evil plans ralph fiennes Good grief! how will you do that? dave scott by showing how you suck at managing your agent ralph fiennes Hey i thought that was my job? andrew scott Well we are repeating that crappy"you can't control your agent" storyline from skyfall cause it never gets old, look at 009's car crashed in italy automatically that means daniel did it ralph fiennes How did you even know about daniel going rogue before me? shouldn't i be a bit suspicious about that? andrew scott Er No! I mean i saw a picture daniels crashed expensive as f*ck car in a river see? Nothing suspicious there(nose sprouts like pinnochios) daniel craig that's weird the streets were totally empty during the chase andrew scott And he had a late night chat with naomi harris ralph fiennes yea er i don't think i wanna hear that andrew scott No you slowpoke it's about how she is his mole at the office ralph fiennes Oh my God naomi just commited treason and assisted insurbodination dave scott So......what will you do to her? *evil smile* ralph fiennes Nothing actually if you don't mind we will be skipping to the next scene please And let's ignore the part about how daniel infiltrated the organization responsible for all'em bombings ok? andrew scott We've been doing well ignoring that part so far narrator next we see daniel in austria once again passing through austrian immigration despite the MI6 knowing he's gone rogue he heads to a cottage that has jesper christensen in it how daniel knows and how he found out doesn't matter amirite? daniel craig Hmmmm this is it my arch nemesis from my first two movies he's an excellent marks man just like me and smart as f*ck i better be on my guard this will indeed be an epic battle scene, hey heinsenberg could you direct me to jespers house please? jesper christensen it's me daniel so you can go ahead and scratch this action scene off your list cause I've been poisoned, I have a gross beard and I live in this snowy setpiece away from my family who abandoned me for being a criminal audience What da? Hey sam! Breaking bad called they said STOP STEALING THEIR SH*T!!! jesper christensen Anyway, since you did such a tremendous job protecting catalina murino,gemma arteton,berenice marlohe, judi dench and eva green i shall now entrust my daughter into your care daniel craig Fine! what's your daughters name and how do i erase this conversation incase anyone stumbles upon the camera footage jesper christensen Good bye mr.craig(blows out his head) daniel craig Ugh! Sick i ma puke right now seriously i ma have a severe psychological trauma and i ma start having nightmares and PTSD and...... sam mendes Cut! Nice one daniel now we shall take this scene again this time act like a kid who just saw his parents kissing daniel craig Ok dave batuista Ha i'm here, time to make eye jelly outta you with my iron thumbs......oh damn daniel got to him before me what am i gonna do to look menacing in this scene? jesper christensen Be sure not to look at my surveillance tapes.......sh*t i should have erased those dave batuista Hmmmm i shall find your surveillance tapes and watch them...............MENACINGLY!!! surveillance tapes gulp! To be continued...... |
TV/Movies / Re: Swing And A Miss: Spectre by severee(m): 5:48pm On Jan 29, 2016 |
shockwave91:Mtchew! Who dey watch that one? |
TV/Movies / Re: Swing And A Miss: Spectre by severee(m): 12:41pm On Jan 29, 2016 |
armadeo:Mtchew wetin dey for person to spoil the movie na just straight line even if na 20 minutes to end you start am u no go even miss anytin shockwave91:As in I'm not even going to take the next bond movie seriously especially if they are retaining that yeye director newguy1:Oh na dat part even vex you? What of when bond and the dr were going to spy on spectre and they dragged change of clothes with them like they were going on vacation or when blofeld said he and bond were brothers or the part where Q studied the ring and all three villains from the previous movies just happen to be related? as in na three days I use take finish the film to show how uninterested I was |
TV/Movies / Re: Swing And A Miss: Spectre by severee(m): 12:27pm On Jan 29, 2016 |
narrator next daniel is walking aimlessly when naomie harris suddenly appears in front of him naomi harris Hey daniel where are you going? daniel craig i'm heading home cause i've been suspended as that is basic protocol for intelligence agencies, I've left scores of mexicans are dead, millions of dollars in property damage and frightened the f*ck outta everyone but hey I'm james bond so I'm going home naomi harris Anyway i have this box of burnt trash that forensics picked up from skyfall........ see what i did there? I forcefully tried to connect this movie to skyfall and there's plenty more where that came from audience Ugh! daniel craig Any reason you couldn't just hand this box to me when i left ralph's office you're still his secretary right?anyway bring it to my house by 9:00 pm sexual predator hour *evil smile* narrator later that evening naomi shows up at daniels apartment with the box naomi harris So i heard about mexico everyone is talking about it daniel craig Da f*ck? How is this public knowledge? this is the british secret service damn it naomi harris care to explain? daniel craig Judi dench told me to do it naomi harris Judi............dench judi dench That's right the bond franchise couldn't live without me so i'm going cameo b*tches.....now daniel since you sucked at protecting me and carelessly got me killed in the worst way possible, i've decided to will you my kill list, now number one, go kill a dude named alessandro and attend his funeral to f*ck his widow and get answers audience Any reason you couldn't just arrest and interrogate the guy when you were alive? naomi harris shouldn't you have 'willed' this over to british intelligence instead? daniel craig Or perhaps just skip to the 'f*ck his widow' part? judi dench Look you wanna f*ck monica bellucci or not? daniel craig Monica who?(Dashes off to get a carton of condoms) oh naomi could you cover me for on this one? i really need to murder some a*ss naomi harris Now why would i risk my career and probably my life committing treason for you? daniel craig Hmm do it for me and i'll buy you a bouquet of flowers naomi harris Hmmm that seems fair enough i'll do it narrator daniel heads over to Q-branch Ben whishaw Hello daniel notice how funny i sound? I'm trying to be....... daniel craig *rolling eyes* Desmond llewyn's Q i get it just give it a rest cause you suck ben whishaw o yea? well have a seat and TAKE THAT! you jerk(shoves nanobots into daniels wrist) daniel craig Ouch! 10 years since casino royale and you haven't found a less painful way of injecting this sh*t into people? ben whishaw (Changes topic) so here is the aston martin 2015 for your eyes only literary cause it belongs to 009 i don't even know why i'm showing it to you haha your car on the other hand is still f*cked up so you'll have to be patient daniel craig Instead of piecing it together why not just get me a new car? ben whishaw You know how they say"if e pain you go hug transformer" well i've got this exploding wrist watch incase e too pain you see ya daniel craig Oh i just remembered i've got some a*ss to crush in italy so i'll need you to cover for me ben whishaw What? No! I can't do that besides you could always cut out your nano tracker and stuff it in your couch at home or something what do you need me for? daniel craig Dude did i tell you the a*ss in question belongs to monica bellucci? ben whishaw Oh my sh*t you've got to get on that.......ok you know what? I'll let you slide, if ralph asks, despite being a hacking computer genius who can play with the screen and make it seem like you are in london, i'll simply just say you are in london when you aren't and hope ralph doesn't know how to read a GPS daniel craig Atta boy, i shall now raise suspicion by stealing 009's car(steals aston martin 2015 and trades it for a bottle of champagne?) ben whishaw Really b*tch? narrator daniel arrives in italy and doesn't run any flags cause MI6 doesn't put up APBs on stolen vechicles and it definitely doesn't have a tracker to stop the car from working you know? Like every other modern car does? anyway daniel is just in time for alessandro's funeral don't ask how he knows where it is cause it's that kind of movie daniel craig Hey wait a minute why does everyone here look like assassins? And isn't that my adopted brother christoph waltz? Never mind(staring at monica's a*ss) target acquired(approaches her) hey there lady your husbands death is giving me mourning wood get it wood? old as f*ck monica bellucci Mtchew!(Walks away) narrator later that evening monica walks into her house with two spectre hit men behind her and one daniel craig behind them old as f*ck monica bellucci Hmmm it's so weird that despite my husbands dangerous job i made no preparations for a day like this o well if i must die it must be close to my swimming pool with a drink in my hand, wait a minute how exactly will you explain that to the police? they will definitely catch on that this is murder and they will open up an investigation you know for a shadowy criminal organization, you guys sure suck at subtlety spectre hitman 1 Shut up! Now prepare to be shot by three spectre agents spectre hitman 2 Three i thought we were two? daniel craig Tada i'm the third hitman and i've been sneaking up your a*sses spectre hitman2 Damn it spectre hitman 1 this is your fault why didn't you lock the front door?(Daniel murders them both) daniel craig So monica i just saved you from an awful marriage to an ugly as f*ck dude and from being gang r*ped with bullets according to bond universe this means you owe me p*ssy old as f*ck monica bellucci And i guess we shouldn't go into details like say HOW I GOT INTO THIS MESS IN THE FIRST PLACE? daniel craig R*pe mode activated narrator daniel assaults monica's lips and she clearly looks like she's having a bad time old as f*ck monica bellucci Calm down dude they are lips not a f*cking burrito, did you just stick your nose in my mouth? ugh! the mirror is cold against my bare back CUT!!! |
TV/Movies / Re: Swing And A Miss: Spectre by severee(m): 7:22pm On Jan 23, 2016 |
coollabman: Not as bad? - SPECTRE resurrected from 60s and forced into 2016 -James bond's character development tossed in the garbage and made into a robot again -Recycled themes and scores from skyfall -Blofeld that showed in 3 scenes - Forcing the movie to relate with the other craig movies - and james bond retiring from MI6 for a girl he met in a week guy come if na play u dey play abeg stop 1 Like |
TV/Movies / Re: Swing And A Miss: Spectre by severee(m): 7:11pm On Jan 23, 2016 |
coollabman: Oh c'mon the movie was terrible and you know it don't even go there |
TV/Movies / Re: Swing And A Miss: Spectre by severee(m): 7:03pm On Jan 23, 2016 |
coollabman: Yea they did with the ton of ads on tv and forcing the actors to lie in the movies commentary they practically forced me to see it |
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