₦airaland Forum

Vivly:
Lol. Even If she wants the movie adaptation of Americanah, she'd seriously think.

Csami:
It's so awesome!
Severee, if the same guy try do the movie adaptation of Americanah, na to send sango after am.

Someone told me that brad pitt and lupita nyongo are looking towards making a movie version of americanah
Na true?

shockwave91:
severee lmfao!!! That ur anika noni rose and joseph mawle dialogue got me lolling so hard! this movie was so dull. Dint enjoy it 1 bit. Thought it was dogsh*t. U going to do October 1st? Cus i thought that movie too was horsesh*t

lol guy make kunle catch u say u talk say e sweat and blood na horse sh*t i hear say the guy dey para gan!
Anyway the small oct 1 wey i watch was kk it was just too predictable and the actors speaking english made it look like a stage drama just my opinion though

VillageBoi:
True shaa, sad for them as it was a $10m mega flop. I don't even think it's made $1m back.

US - $54,529
New Zealand - $37,763
UK - $214,101
Then add Nigerian figures (apparently $73,726 for DVD sales?? - no idea about actual 'box office' or if that is 'included') and that's about it.

Uk even try for them small i even thot nigeria had the highest sales

them come pirate am untop

Csami:
I'm not sure they made half of their money back. You know this looks and sounds cooler than the movie itself?

Ah forget o their losses were huge, I feel so sorry for them

Vivly:
Ok this is waaaaaaaay better than the movie..

awww! Stop i'm blushing

narrator
major general johnson aguiyi ironsi addresses Nigerians
aguiyi ironsi
hi guys i noticed this movie is turning into a lazily written 50 shades of grey kind of movie so i shall be jump starting the plot proper

Ahem! now following popular demand i'm now the new head of state of Nigeria
nnamdi azikiwe
popular demand under gun point you mean?
Kaduna Nzeogwu
man shut the f*ck up before i murder you like i did zack orji's bland minister friend
nnamdi azikiwe
(Walks away)

aguiyi ironsi
Anyway i shall make my administration benefit only my people and i dare the others to say something
Babafemi Ogundipe
But won't that freak out your colleagues? i mean not too long after your appointment and inter-ethnic discord has become a Nigerian trend just look at that guy at the airport
tribalist
hey thandie i'm a tribalistic bigot who hates your people now give up your digits
thandie newton
O_o and that's how you flirt with chicks?
tribalist
depends.........is it working?
thandie newton
Mtchew!!(Walks away)
aguiyi ironsi
haha c*ck block i bet he won't do that again
Babafemi Ogundipe
Still doesn't change anything sir
aguiyi ironsi
Fine then i will grant freedom of press
Babafemi Ogundipe
yea freedom to fuel hatred and rivalry between Nigerians?
aguiyi ironsi
Fine then i will enact decree 44
Babafemi Ogundipe
oh cool so i guess you'll be punishing the coup plotters then
aguiyi ironsi
Coup plotting? that's a crime?
Babafemi Ogundipe
ok now i'll take it you don't know how that makes you look
aguiyi ironsi
come on what's the worst that can happen?
theophilus danjuma
ding dong b*tches i got a counter-coup sandwich with your name on it........ yea Nigeria has one of the most laughable political histories ever.
yakubu gowon
i wanna be president
theophilus danjuma
What do you think this is? a pony ride? man go play in a bouncing castle or something
yakubu gowon
boo hoo mother f*cker
theophilus danjuma
*rolling eyes* ok fine damn!
narrator
thandie runs into joseph at a bar
joseph mawle
Hey thandie what are you doing here?
thandie newton
want to get drunk and troll for random dudes to hate f*ck for vendatta purposes are you interested?
joseph mawle
HYFR
narrator
they head home
jospeh mawle
You know this would be a good time for Nigeria to advertise Palm wine to the world just like russian vodka,american budweiser and french white wine
thandie newton
True
jospeh mawle
So why are you getting drunk on red wine instead?
thandie newton
haven't you cracked the code to the message of this movie yet? "WHITE MAN GOOD BLACK MAN BAD"
That's the message of the whole movie that's why every black guy in the movie is either a d*ck or irrelevant where as white is associated with everything holy
joseph mawle
That will explain why "santa baby" is playing in the background when it's not even christmas
(They f*ck)
narrator
thandie gets back with chiwetel
thandie newton
oh what a pretty baby i will take after her i love your hairy chest let's go jump bones real quick
chiwetel ejiofor
Ok so you didn't get back with me when i probably slept with susan wakomo but you suddenly love me again when you find her baby here?
thandie newton
oh don't worry about me i've totally taken all my anger and frustration on joseph's d*ck so i'm all good
chiwetel ejiofor
you what?!
narrator
chiwetel zooms off to joseph's home
joseph mawle
hi chiwetel
chiwetel ejiofor
get your d*ck out of my girlfriend you f*cking Equinsu Osha

bye(drives off)
joseph mawle
You drove all the way just to tell me that? Isn't that the reason why the telephone was created? i wonder what he will do to his girlfriend if he just freaked out on her lover
chiwetel ejiofor
i love you too honey even though a real Nigerian man will totally break up with ur a*ss
the one time they could actually say the truth about Nigerians and this is what they do?*shrugs*

narrator
thandie, noni and joseph are having lunch, joseph's man servant walks in
jude orhoha
Bae bae bae
Anika noni rose
dude this aint fuji house of commotion you can actually talk in this movie
jude orhoha
then in that case i shall showcase my alfred pennyworth impersonation,
Ahem! Master joseph your lunch awaits
thandie newton
Your food tastes real good
jude orhoha
Why thank you madam i used to sneak some of it to chiwetel till he had an altercation with my boss and being a proud Nigerian i instantly took sides with a white dude over my brother
go #OneNigeria
anika noni rose
You had a fight with chiwetel? Why?
you slept with my sister didn't you?
joseph mawle
the f*ck? how did you know that?
anika noni rose
i'm clairvoyant like my sister b*tch
jospeh mawle
i'm sorry in my defence i thought she was you, you both look alike
thandie newton
Oh did i forget to mention that anika and i are twins?
audience
(Laugh their heads off)
anika noni rose
I hate you joseph i never want to see you again
joseph mawle
Ok off to london then
narrator
joseph is at the airport when he glances at thandie who just happened to be there because........ "COINCIDENCE"
hakeem kae kaseem
hi guys! I'm here to do a head count on all the Nigerians who didn't see me play col. Ike dubaku in 24 season 7
Nigerians
What's it to you what do you want with them?
hakeem kae kaseem
I wanna give them a special flight ticket discount
Nigerians
In that case(puts up their hands)
hakeem kae kaseem
jeez luiz! Y'all are Nigerians you don't even look Nigerian you look like tourist making fun of Nigerian costumes and attires this is even worse than the nigerian scene in x-men origins
why can't movie adaptations get anything Right! Raaaaaaaaaaaargh
(Murders them all in a d*ck way and walks off to become the d*ck hitman in the series Gotham produced by the same d*cks that created arrow)
joseph mawle
[s]bada*ssly grabs an assault rifle from a soldier, murders the whole unit and takes hakeem kae kaseem prisoner to question him about his employers[/s]

(Sh*ts a brick)

I guess i should be worried about noni right? No? Okay
narrator
Next thandie accidentally walks into the set of the avengers
thandie newton
Um Cab driver why am i on the set of the avengers? Please turn around
cab driver
No ma'am it's actually a looting scene
thandie newton
So why is there fire everywhere i don't see anyone with a flame thrower or a kosovo cocktail
Scary as f*ck thug
hey thandie you are just in time to watch us brutally murder your favourite aunt church rat
thandie newton
ugh! Really?
Scary as f*ck thug
just kidding i'm just gonna drag her into a room (for reasons?) And then come out wiping my machete with a magic cloth that disappears two seconds later, i just hope the audience can use their imagination and not think i'm giving your aunty a time out( which is what this looks like though)
thandie newton
Hey aunt church rat where is you d*ck slashing knife?
gloria young
Great! the one time i didn't bring it with me,
What's even more hilarious is that i'm ten times bigger than this dude and i can snap him like a twig(dies)
thandie newton
Nooooooooo!
cab driver
Madam you can't go
thandie newton
Why?
cab driver
Like duh! You haven't paid your cab fare which should have tripled since i've added thandie's sentinel to my job description
thandie newton
*scowls*
cab driver
And i also want to rescue you from the thugs
scary as f*ck thug
hey guys i just sighted thandie like a thousand yards away with my super vision let's approach her slowly and dramatically to kill her
(They do so)
narrator
but thandie escapes narrowly with her life of course we weren't really scared for her to begin with

To be continued.........

Csami:
Severee, me and u know say the movie bad wella so no praise am one bit at all

ah ah oga have mercy, the film try small na
It was good enough to make their money back i'm still puzzled as to why it performed so poorly at the box office na even Nigeria push e sales up
I guess it's one of those movies that focused more on its look than its content

kobosmart:
Ah ah u wan cry oya make me sef whine you
beautiful post I laffed all thru

now you are talking dey wind my head
So I person go get hope dey scope e sef dey go

prof800:
severee...!!!

Briareos:
severe,
oya, come and conclude this tale.

VillageBoi:
Hahahaha... Severee you don come again!

Yes o it's your boy naija paul haggis

DuchessLily:
Lol

Well broken down

I was really hoping that Hollywood effect would rub off so well on nollywood in dis movie.

But dem try sha! Ain't easy

I won't lie the movie was good, the cinematography was good(even though the cinematographer wasn't Nollywood)
The scores and sound effects were excellent, the theatrics were moderate
The storyline was ok
The only part that missed it's mark was the plot
E enter confirm bush
One moment it's a love story then it looks like a love triangle then it looks like a disaster movie there was too much going on that even though it was a particular family that was the focus, nothing changed about them at the end of the day and too many loose ends

kobosmart:
hmmm u go fear winding

morale killer

john boyega
I'll do my best sir
thandie newton
*munch* ugh! Sick! you call this food? This is a bio-hazard argh!
chiwetel ejiofor
calm down honey it's just tasteless rice, nigerian men are the worst cooks remember?
thandie newton
Rice? Ugh! I bet your d*ck tastes better,let's go dry-hump offscreen
chiwetel ejiofor
but i was hoping we build a love story perhaps even some onscreen chemistry
thandie newton
Its a 1hour 55minute movie if anyone wants to see a love story from ground up go watch titanic
narrator
chiwetel's uppity mother onyeka onwenu shows up at chiwetel's house
onyeka onwenu
hi guys i play the typical mean Nigerian mother in law who hates thandie for no reason(because patience ozokwor is on holiday or something), now watch me give thandie sh*t for not sucking on her mother's t*ts
thandie newton
O_o so?
onyeka onwenu
As a proud illiterate Nigerian woman i'll say that makes you a witch
thandie newton
And how exactly did you find out without being a witch yourself?
onyeka onwenu
You're bad luck you can't marry my son
thandie newton
yea let's see i'm more educated, i'm more travelled, i'm a lot richer and attractive i mean i was dinning with a minister few scenes ago you on the other hand look like an 80 year old psychotic hobo now whose badluck?
onyeka onwenu
i don't wanna have this discussion anymore come on fat girl who is totally not here to screw your boyfriend
thandie newton
Er chiwetel.......who is that crazy woman? I hope you two ain't related?
chiwetel ejiofor
woman?! That's my mom
thandie newton
Really? Why does your mom look like a 250year old walrus while my mom looks like my elder sister?
chiwetel ejiofor
bad casting i guess?
thandie newton
Yuk! That means you are gonna age quickly, ugh! Get outta my house and never return you f*cking yetty
chiwetel ejiofor
just one time i flashed my hairy butt in 12 years a slave and everyone keeps calling me a walking carpet i have waxed it all off since then i promise
narrator
next we see chiwetel having a very meaningless chat with his friends
chiwetel ejiofor
i'm drunk yep i'm totally wasted and as a proud nigerian the next move is to get laid
babou ceesay
hi i have only 7 lines in this movie yay!
genevieve nnaji
i'm here to give the audience false hope of romance between me and chiwetel that's why i shall kiss him for no reason
narrator
john boyega peeks at chiwetel having sex later that night
john boyega
did i forget to add that i'm a peeping tom creep?
narrator
chiwetel visits thandie who is either bathing or soaking a tendering foot or m*sturbating Who knows? Anyway it looks super choreographed
biyi bandele
and make sure you get a shot of her peanut sized t*ts that's the money shot right there
audience
(Puke their guts)
thandie newton
you cheated on me didn't you?
chiwetel ejiofor
how did you know?
thandie newton
because i've developed clairvoyant powers damn it
biyi bandele
just thought i add a little sci-fi to the story
chiwetel ejiofor
you're right I had sex with someone
thandie newton
*rolling eyes*Ugh! Jeez! Who was it? Genevieve?
chiwetel ejiofor
Pfft! I wish
thandie newton
My sister?
chiwetel ejiofor
Nope it was with the susan wokoma
thandie newton

chiwetel ejiofor
you know, the ugly fat skank my mom brought with her
thandie newton
groooooooooooooooss!!
chiwetel ejiofor
But in my defence i think i was deliberately roofied by own my mom
onyeka onwenu
Hmmmm! So you finally figured it out magnum P.I, i deliberately got you drunk and forced her on you
chiwetel ejiofor
O God
onyeka onwenu
And now she's pregnant with my grand kid
chiwetel ejiofor
damn within how many days? That's bullsh*t
biyi bandele
ahem! 1hour 55minutes still have a civil war to cover so get on with it
chiwetel ejiofor
Sh*t i guess we should get married
onyeka onwenu
About that, she is actually getting married to someone else
chiwetel ejiofor
Wow! So first you scare off my girlfriend then you get me drunk and forced me to knock-up a girl getting married to someone else geez just how much could you complicate my life mom?
onyeka onwenu
ew! It's a female child we nigerians only respect and adore male children that's why i shall add to my only male childs headache by dumping the b*tch at his house
chiwetel ejiofor
i just had to ask
onyeka onwenu
that's me mom of the year
narrator
thandie runs off to her broke as f*ck aunty up north for advice cause, yea don't talk to mom about it
gloria young
Oh get used to that, all Nigerian men are unreliable douche bags when it comes to fidelity, but as for me and my husband, i always keep a butcher knife around to cut his d*ck if he ever gets caught cheating i suggest you do the same
Nobert young
*gulp*
thandie newton
oh thank you aunt church rat you are the best aunty ever even though you look more like my mother's grandmother's sister's mother

To be continued......

narrator
the movie starts with queen elizabeth's visit to nigeria in the 60s back when she was hot
Queen elizabeth
hi guys i'm here to sow ethnic discord among nigerians oops! i hope i didn't say that out loud
narrator
then skip to the terrible opening song with really gross lyrics
thandie newton
hi guys i play a nigerian in this movie even though i neither look nor sound nigerian i guess i'm only here because i played love interest to chiwetel ejiofor in the movie 2012 talk about lazy casting
anika noni rose
Hi i'm thandies wooden and forgettable sister who is disgustingly vulgar and gives up a*ss on the first date thereby giving the world a wrong notion about nigerian girls
narrator
next we see both sisters having dinner with their father who is kissing up to a minister for one of those vague contracts nollywood never explains
zack orji
Hi guys this is my only appearance in this movie which means that i'm so irrelevant to the plot that if you actually sneezed and closed your eyes you would think i wasn't in the movie at all
Anyway i play a multi-millionaire and CEO of Dorochukwu biscuit and soda factories? damn what is with chinamanda always limiting Nigerians to biscuit and bubble gum factories in most of her stories?
chinamanda adichie
I'm trying to be realistic
zack orji
oh thank you mrs condescending just so you know, nigerians can actually be CEOs of hedge fund companies and media corporations
chinamanda adichie
shhhhh! I'm saving every bit of implausibility for chiwetel's character
zack orji
o why didn't you say so? alright back to the plot of me pimping out my daughters for a f*cking contract
tina mba
i dey here too o
thandie newton
Er i don't wanna work with your minister friend, i actually applied to teach sociology at the university of nigeria nsukka i start first thing tomorrow
zack orji
Loooool! Really?! You applied to teach at a federal university in Nigeria with no teaching experience or a*ss kissing and you got the job just like that?
thandie newton
Er.....*shrugs*i guess
zack orji
Besides you are actually giving up a life of luxury to teach in a Nigerian university, any character development that inspired this?
thandie newton
we were hoping no one will pick on that einstein
zack orji
Whatever, what about you noni? Wanna take one for the team?
anika noni rose
I plan on running the family biscuit and soda company
zack orji
but you don't have any experience in managing a business or any knowledge of the Nigerian market
anika noni rose
Well tough t*tty cause you don't have a right hand guy or some sort of understudy to take over the company, now first order of business is to act like a spoilt brat and f*ck up dad's chances of securing that contract
zack orji
On second thought, why don't you go mingle in the independence festivities i'll kiss his a*ss alone
narrator
thandie and anika go mingle in the OCT 1 celebrations where anika meets a dude who is charming her panties off
Joseph Mawle
Vodka and a dry martini shaken not stirred , hey there pretty lady the name is Mawle, joseph Mawle and i'm so suave
anika noni rose
Hmmmn a bond reference allow me to reciprocate by dropping a funny bond girl name
The name is p*ssy galore Anika.......Anika noni
joseph mawle
Hmmm good thing i just wanna hit it and quit it so i won't have to remember that name
anika noni rose
So what do you do mr. Mawle
joseph mawle
I'm a british writer
anika noni rose
Or are you?
jospeh mawle
No i'm just a british writer
anika noni rose
But.........but i saw you in cold light of day and you totally kicked a*ss in that movie
joseph mawle
oh my dear you'll be so disappointed in this movie i put the punk in p*ssy punk b*tch.
anika noni rose
Rrrrrrrrrrrr! Here's my number call me sometime i'll be in my wide screen office over seeing the city of port harcourt
joseph bawle
Pffft! what?! Your biscuit and soda factory has an office with a view?isn't that for people with real jobs?
anika noni rose
*scowls*
narrator
next thandie goes up north to visit her suprisingly poverty stricken aunty gloria young
gloria young
hi guys the fact that i'm totally irrelevant to the plot and i live up north is totally innocent i promise
narrator
next we are introduced to chiwetel ejiofor
chiwetel ejiofor
hi guys f*ck what i said on the ellen degeneres show, i'm totally Nigerian today and you can see that from my stereotypical Igbo accent because yea that is how all Igbos talk right?
Anyway i'm a federal university single professor in his thirties who still teaches B.sc students, who lives in a kick-a*ss bachelor pad with a man servant and plays tennis on saturdays i guess chinamanda went over board with this one right?
john boyega
hey guys remember me from 24 season 9 as the drone pilot who barely said sh*t? Well in this movie i'll be playing a Nigerian boy who barely says sh*t
chiwetel ejiofor
So thandie's gonna be coming over today now i know you can't cook so rather than buying food i suggest you poison my date with bad food so we can at least give the audience a laugh or two
To be continued...

qbd2:
Hmm, tqs for d advice but u know I've fried it this same way b4 and it turned out pretty well, but just this time around it got wrong. Btw, I don't use baking powder for my pancakes and I don't like it dry nd crispy (

I think your problem was the sugar cause i can see a lot of burnt parts in the pic the work of frying sugar and batter under intense heat
The baking powder dosen't make it crunchy it only stops it from scattering

qbd2:
Even d greatest chef doesn't get it right at all times. Just sharing a pics of my attempt to make pancake that went wrong this time around.

the f*ck? *ROTFL*


Next time you can use an electric sandwich toaster in place of a fry pan or add lots of
butter,eggs and baking powder to mixture before scooping it into a hot and non sticky frypan

NB: don't add sugar to the mixture the syrup has got that covered

Bobo oti frustrate

may01:
That guy doesn't look like Banky

you no see e trade mark gigantic head?
I swear I can recognize that head from space

hmmmm mad person dey your house you dey form gentle man dey pray to God before you give am two slaps naija people are amazing.

Your wife may be suffering from factitious disorder or something better carry am go hospital before she murders you in your sleep

narrator
the coopers hold a family barbecue because yea we should celebrate the return of a crazy person in the house rather than take him to a hospital
sienna miller
Hey bradley wanna join the party?
bradley cooper
No thanks my favourite tv show is on
sienna miller
dude the tv is off
bradley cooper
Shhh! I'm trying to watch, this show is a real knee slapper
sienna miller
seriously? we are stealing jokes from no other than patrick star blank tv gag from spongebob?man i guess clint eastwood thought of everything
narrator
bradley sights a dog playing with a kid in a d*ck way and loses his sh*t
bradley cooper
(Zooms in face) WOLF?
doomed dog
Hey take it easy brad i'm just a do......
bradley cooper
WOOOOOOOOLF!!!!!!!!
narrator
bradley takes off his belt and prepares to r*pe the dog or something when sienna shows up and scream in horror because in hollywood movies that solves eeeeeeeeeverything
dog
F*ck how many "wolves" does he have to r*pe before you consider taking this nutcase to a hospital?
narrator
bradley FINALLY sees a doctor
⁠
doctor
Congratulations son you've have broken the record of mass murder you are now ahead of charles manson and hannibal lecter
bradley cooper
Yea i kinda have wikkipedia for that. you are a doctor so be a doctor
doctor
Well said so.......*smack* why have you been freaking out on your family? Come on talk to daddy
bradley cooper
I'm mad that i couldn't save more american lives that's right people
if you were expecting a heart felt apology from america for blowing iraq to sh*t and killing a f*ckton of iraqis
You can officially go f*ck yourself
doctor
I see well why don't you surround yourself with crippled soldiers and their sob stories perhaps when you are filled with so much depression and regret, you'll feel better in no time
bradley cooper
Really? Cool
narrator
bradley takes the soldiers on a field trip to a shooting range because they are totally pre-schoolers
pathetic soldier
Oh my sh*t i hit a target standing still wow i feel like a man just look at my huge b*ner
narrator
Brad has anticlimatically cured his post traumatic stress and he is now a good and boring father
⁠
bradley cooper
hey son you ready to go hunt and kill innocent animals? Yea animal cruelty is a family legacy you pass from generation to generation
sienna miller
i'm proud of you for getting yourself and making us a generic hollywood happy family
bradley cooper
Yea that's me hollywood flounders
Hey some marine nut cases mom gave me a call to help her son do Come to think of it i don't know what i'm doing for this kid
sienna miller
WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH NO ONE VISITING A HOSPITAL IN THIS MOVIE?
narrator
bradley cooper meets with a dude who looks like he is tripping balls
bradley cooper
Goodbye honey my offscreen death awaits
sienna miller
What?
bradley cooper
I mean i won't be late i will be back soon to ride unto the sunset with you and live happily ever after O f*ck why did i say that i'm going to die for real aint i?
audience
hmm the exact way abraham licoln vampire slayer ended? Way to go clint
clint eastwood

narrator
bradley is killed offscreen by a nut case isn't that an irony?
Anyway americans mourn while its a f*cking party in iraq i guess the movie had a happy ending
End

Csami:
Life just dey, which movie be next?

looking forward to the flow of blockbusters this year
-avengers
-dawn of justice
-spectre
-hitman
-antman
Na that time i go reload ammo cos i know say hollywood is ever ready to dissapoint

brothers:
Why you dey whine the guy

how dare u?
My friend kneel down there

Csami:
Funny as usual

Sup?! How life?

friendlyadvice:
Looool guy why don't you do for nollywood

yay! It's good to be back to on nairaland
Them wan use work kill person no time to slouch back on the lazy boy and type my swing misses
i don even forget say na american sniper i still dey do

Luke Grimes
Grrrrr! Sheik shot my friend? Oh its on now i shall water board him with his beard i shall negotiate some bullets into his head i shall grind his bones to make my bread hey that kind of rhymed
sammy sheik
Yawn!(Kills luke by sneezing on him)
bradley cooper
Oh come one(scurries off to America like a b*tch)
narrator
bradley is still freaking his family the f*ck out
bradley cooper
freak out.... freak out.... Freak the freak out
sienna miller
Is it time to open up to me about the war?
bradley cooper
Hey look over there an iraqi rebel(jumps out of window)
⁠
⁠narrator
bradley goes to visit his friend  Jake McDorman who was shot in the face earlier
bradley cooper
Hey buddie how is it going?
Jake McDorman
did i tell you i got my girlfriend a ring from zale and we are going to live happily ever after in Bermuda?
bradley cooper
dude! Did you learn NOTHING from last time?
Jake McDorman
What? Its not like sammy is here to kill me
anasthaesia
i'll finish sammy's job for him
sammy sheik
thank you brother i owe you one
narrator
bradley is still being a d*ck to his family
sienna miller
you're cheating on me with iraq i know it
bradley cooper
No i'm not
sienna miller
Yes you are you f*ck with iraq at evey chance you get while i'm just here flying solo
bradley cooper
Honey i promise i'm not holy sh*t! I just realized iraq is a lot more attractive and exciting than you, she's got a bigger BASE she's got BOMBS and she allows me to f*ck her anytime and anyway gosh i love iraq
sienna miller
I hate it when men cheat its a common hatred in our family
bradley cooper
(eye humping Iraq)
sienna miller
fine go to iraq see if i care and just so u know u're coming back to an empty home when you return
bradley cooper
(Making bradley loves Iraq lockets) *snaps*sure thing honey i'll take out the trash
narrator
bradley and his team have recovered the original movie plotline as bradley is once more providing stalking services to the US marine, some dude charges with a grenade launcher and bradley shoots him in the head
bradley cooper
*rolling eyes* to think they should've learnt by now
narrator
a little kid picks up the weapon
bradley cooper
What's this? a child to kill? Man you don't get them like this anymore
audience
What's this comic relief? The grenade launcher is obviously too heavy for the kid to carry and you are still gonna shoot him anyway?
bradley cooper
He is arab he is guilty now shut up while i take another hit on a kid from a safe distance
narrator
arab kid drops the grenade launcher and bolts
bradley cooper
Oh barnacles you see what you did? made me miss that kill
micheal buffer
On the red corner with a countless kill of american soldiers from a thousand yards and an olympic gold in sharp shooting not to mention making brad his b*tch three times already give it up for sammy sheik the Iraqi sniper
And
On the blue corner having a total kill of 255 people including women and children,he is a lousy husband and a scary as f*ck father its bradley cooper the america sniper
⁠
Llllllllllllllllllllet's get ready to rumbllllllllllllllllle
narrator
bradley and his team take their positions
bradley cooper
Mango orange what's your 10? Purple pineapple watch your 12'0'clock yeah i guess just saying a couple of rubbish makes my role as a navy seal believable
narrator
sammy sheik is in early lead as he pins down bradley with sniper gun fire
bradley cooper
oh come on gimme a break i just got here!
narrator
now the navy seals are getting on the offensive as they seem to have pinned down sammy sheik
bradley cooper
i'm gonna twist your sh*t up mr sammy sheik hoorah!
narrator
but sammy sheik give them maradona as he starts shooting from another angle
sammy sheik
peek-a-boo motherf*ckers! hey why do i suck all of a sudden? i mean i've been shooting since and i haven't hit a thing
bradley cooper
Uh i think i just spotted sam
brad's unit
From 2000 yards with a gang full of arabs downstairs you're kidding right? Please stand down our p*ssy wagon is on its way and we'll rather not wake up murdered at the end of this tour
bradley cooper
S-T-A-N-D-D-O-W-N spells take him out ok
sammy sheik
From 2000 yards? yeah right when you aren't some kind of james mcavoy from wanted
bullet
eat lead you Arab dead shot
sammy sheik
Ooooooooooooooouch! Really? For the love of God its a biographic movie how am i getting killed from over 2000yards? Can bullets even travel that far?
clint eastwood
you underestimate the power of hollywood's desperation to make a buck syndrome
⁠sammy sheik
Erk!(Dies)
bradley cooper
Yes yes yes yeeeeeeees! *singing* we are the champions my friends and we will keep on fighting till the end oh sh*t i forgot about the insurgents down stairs, quick let's take cover under this sand storm that should protect us, wow this sure is the best time to call my wife
sienna miller
Hello?
bradley cooper
*singing* i'm coming home coming home tell the world that i'm coming home let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday(gets shot in the back and is abandoned by his b*tch made team) oh come one really?! This was supposed to be my moment
narrator
with a mortal bullet wound, dehydration and poor health conditions, bradley dies in iraq
bradley cooper
psyche! My p*ssy wagon actually did stop for me and the iraqi insurgents were nice enough to go blind on the whole thing
To be continued......

reganvida:
I have noticed that a great number of people in the south east listens to a particular radio frequency which i found out to be radio Biafra.
Listening to radio Biafra is not the problem,the problem is the words spoken by the broadcasters.The broadcasters have been using inciting words to bring about a division in Nigeria.
I can remember a particular broadcast which I was able to listen to which preached about the necessity of a bycot of the just concluded national elections,telling their listeners that going out to vote means acceptance of one Nigeria and i think this played a secondary role to the low turn out of the south easterners on that day.
What marvels me in all this is the silence of FG. I don't want to believe that the FG doesn't know about this radio Biafra because the allocation of radio frequencies must go through so red tapes.
Am beginning to think,is the FG ignoring them on purpose?Is the FG trying to use this radio station to create problems when their time expires? Is this part of a larger plan for the eventual division of this country? I don't know,but what i know is that such a radio station should not be allowed to exist because of the inciting programmes they run at the station.

nah! It's just their niche(selling point)
Their demographic is south-easterners
and if talking about actualization of biafra gets people through the door then they should carry on because "MONEY HARD MAN"
Don't worry if they are unethical or out of line, FRCN will be sure to caution them

-John tucker must die
-Walk to remember

Khalessi:
And this drum keeps saying she's a virgin...

Drum ke? na matress we dey call am for house o

suggyspic:
Emenike got married to Juliet in 2008, after five years of marriage, they broke up in 2013. Emenike tried every thing possible to make her(Juliet) stay but her mind was made up. She left the marriage in spite of her father asking her to be patient and stay. Juliet's father told her that she knows the culture that once you are married and the bride price has been paid, she cannot bring any other man to remarry her.

Two years after the breakup Emenike wants the father to refund him the bride price, but the father refuse telling him that he is still his son-in-law till death.

Is this true that in Delta state that bride price cannot be returned?

What other method can Emenike use to collect his bride price, considering the fact that his kindred have made efforts towards the issue.

Can the customary court compel the father to give back the bride price?

N/b. They WEre only married in the traditional way.

make the guy carry the girl papa go court na

Alaroro still dey pursue 5 year old bride price

ok o
FG never take care of the ones wey dey them country finish na una u want make them focus on.




good luck

mido hamido
Muahahahahahahaha bradley cooper we shall meet again(zooms off in his iraqi get away mobile)
bradley cooper
Damn it he has escaped again,i've failed again, democracy has been delayed,the iraqi people will no longer be liberated, i've looked at the enemy in the mirror and its me i've......(Looks at watch) oops tour is over have fun getting your heads blown by sammy sheik
narrator
back in america bradley and his son are chilling at an auto shop when a young marine dude shows up
young marine
Hey you saved my life i'm eternally grateful
bradley cooper
*scowls*
young marine
Hey kid your dad is a hero american bullies in iraq are safer thanks to him.
bradley cooper
What an irony cause i look like i'm few inches away from freaking out and murdering my family kandahar style
young marine
Don't worry my friend there's light at the end of the tunnel for behold the SPOILER: you shall cure your post traumatic stress by working in a VA clinic till then see ya
narrator
bradley is still trying to adjust to america's p*ssy lifestyle
bradley cooper
WTF where's my shot gun why did you scream so loud honey? And why am i n*ked?
sienna miller
Dude i just had an orgasm c'mon we were just having sex
bradley cooper
Oh my bad its just that loud sounds scare me
sienna miller
So you wanna tell me what happens in iraq?
bradley cooper
You wanna f*ck yourself with a cast iron?
sienna miller
*rolls eyes* you know what i don't understand is how soldiers still have post traumatic stress disorder till now? Its been over 40 years since vietnam they have created remote controlled airplanes but they can't create a drug or facility to prevent/cure post traumatic stress?
⁠
⁠
bradley cooper
would you just drop it? is that all you do in this movie?
sienna miller
Yea nag you about the war and give birth to plastic kids so lets skip to the nursery already
narrator
sienna miller gives birth to a girl and for some reason they allowed a Psychotic navy seal into the infant nursery because "them no like themselve" for yankee
bradley cooper
Oh my kid is crying i can see the nurse taking care of another kid but i shall lose my sh*t anyway and freak out on the nurse because TAKE ME TO A HOSPITAL ALREADY
sienna miller
you are cheating on me with iraq you are f*cking it and tearing it up while i stay at home and build memories alone with the kids
bradley cooper
I'm so not cheating on you(phone rings) er i got to go
sienna miller
Iraq again?
bradley cooper
Ira who?(Walks away to go f*ck iraq some more)
narrator
back in iraq Jake McDorman and bradley are having some team bonding time
Jake McDorman
I just bought a cheap a*ss ring to propose to my girlfriend
bradley cooper
Shut up
Jake McDorman
What?!
bradley cooper
Haven't you read the hollywood cliche book? Chapter 25verse 13-14 "you can survive any battle in a war till you start talking about your girlfriend back home"
Jake McDorman
Really? So if i say i'm gonna propose at the airbase?
bradley cooper
Dude shut up
Jake McDorman
What if i told you i've got a mortgage and we are gonna live happily ever after?[/b]
bradley cooper
Oh for f*ck sake(walks away)
sammy sheik
my terrorist senses just picked up a happy american there is nothing i hate more than a happy american(shoots Jake McDorman in the f*cking face)
Jake McDorman
Oh that's what you were talking about(collapses)

To be continued.....

sienna miller
*Whine*b*tch*moan* dude you got to lemme in on your war trauma
bradley cooper
No I can't do this
sienna miller
Why? Because you don't wanna hurt me?
bradley cooper
No because this is a super cliched movie with super cliched melo-drama come on we see this in cop movies, war movies even super hero movies when will hollywood change this sh*t?
clint eastwood
hey if it ain't broke don't fix it
narrator
next we see bradley lying to an obsterician
obsterician
So how are you doing brad?
bradley cooper
I'm good you know what I mean?(Nose sprouts like pinnochio)
obsterician
Really? But your blood pressure is as high as a f*cking kite, you hardly sleep and you just flipped out on your wife about how everyone doesn't give a sh*t about the war in iraq
bradley cooper
I'm fine(more nose sprout)
sienna miller
Can I get into your head now?
bradley cooper
oh my Gosh! NO! Jeez why is everyone on my sh*t all the time? You wanna get into something how about going into labor
sienna miller
*rolling eyes* fine
narrator
sienna gives birth to a baby boy
bradley cooper
Seriously? A plastic baby? Come on are we that cheap that we can't at least make a CGI baby or just get a random kid from the street damn!(Scurries off to iraq)
⁠
narrator
bradley "coincidentally"bumps into his brother who is on his way home
bradley cooper
Hey bro what's up?
Keir O'Donnell
*scowls* children,sand, sandals,hijab
bradley cooper
Wow two crazy kids I bet our parents must be really proud of us
Keir O'Donnell
Man f*ck america
chris kyle
what you say?!
Keir O'Donnell
Er f*ck this country. I meant to say
⁠narrator
so bradley coopers earlier convoy protector plot has been successfully abandoned and now he leads a team of stereotypical buddie-buddie soldiers
mark
I regret this war
bradley cooper
Well we are defending our families who are a million miles apart by making them fatherless hence going through a life of pain and bad decisions which will eventually kill them anyway
mark
Yea that's right*slaps his face* snap out of it let's go bully another innocent family hoorah!
narrator
they burst into another family home to once again threaten their lives into giving information about mido hamada
bradley cooper
where is mido hamada? where the f*ck is he? I heard he is in the building next door?
NOT terrorist
Uh if you actually know his location then what are you shaking me up for?
bradley cooper
Sorry about that man I'm just hungry
NOT terrorist
Wait a minute! You guys burst in here for a free meal?
bradley cooper
Yep our big-mac budget has been spent on another f*cking hellicarrier we don't need
NOT terrorist
Hey its a holiday why don't you join me and my family for dinner in our terrorist safe house surely that's a good idea
bradley cooper
An even better idea that you didn't poison our food or spike our drinks
NOT terrorist
loooool! You are so funny(taps son exposing his really gross elbows)
bradley cooper
(Thinking :Hmmmn super-gross elbows must mean he is a terrorist) ahem! Excuse me take the typical hollywood movie excuse"can I use your restroom" which is a code for can I search the f*ck out of your house
NOT terrorist
Ok just be sure not to check over the
⁠hidden compartment on the floor that says "don't look in this room"
narrator
bradley searches the house
bradley cooper
Yeah f*ck you amnesty global(finds gun compartment) jackpot
narrator
bradley approaches the host
bradley cooper
So mr. Host I just found a bunch of guns under your house.
NOT terrorist
That's not mine you guys planted it there
bradley cooper
Planting evidence? Nah! That's FBI sh*t we Navy SEALS just shoot suspicious looking people and barf on their corpse
NOT terrorist
Ugh dammit! You got me so I guess you are going to...........
narrator
force their host to get into the building under surveillance the best way the SEALS no how to AT GUNPOINT a dude opens the door to bradley's host
Bradley cooper
ding dong motherf*cker(blasts the door opener's head without finding out if he is a hostage, a friendly or a dude undercover/duress)
NOT terrorist
grrrr! You just shot my brother now I shall try to shoot soldiers I can't see because I have saw dust for brains(he does so and gets shot)
mada hamido
Yaaaaaawn!(Escapes)
To be continued.......

MrDojo:
I wnted to start thread for all d MCU lovers out der..... the MCU has released mega hit movies like avengers...iron man...cap America so on.....so d purpose of dis thread is 4 all MCU fans to talk abt upcoming movies....past movies and even TvSeries and Comic books.....[size=8pt][/size]

Oh sh*t are you talking about MCU?

That's my sh*t there's nothing I love more than an MCU movie

I love the way they insult our intelligence and the laws of physics

I love the way bundled up their best heroes and forced them into a plotless movie just to make a buck

I love how no one dies for real

and omg don't lemme start talking about loki who keeps showing up even when it isn't necessary

Long live MCU