Csami:


The departed was something else. The director for just kill all the characters make we know say nothing remain.

as in when all of them dey die e be like dream

Csami:
Severee, I think they dropped those bombs just to kill okeoma or whatever his name was. So fvcking annoying!

Mtchew f*cking predictable death come on they could do better why didn't they kill chiwetel instead? Bone say na actor shock value is the best way to sell me a movie just check out;
-The departed
-Scarface
-oldboy

Narrator
Next
Chiwetel and genevieve are having a baseless argument
genevieve nnaji
i'm sick of you sounding like you are gaggling water all in the name of mimmicking an igbo accent
chiwetel ejiofor
and i'm sick of you making no effort to sound Yoruba
genevieve nnaji
Well excuuuuuuuse me when i slept with the director he promised me lead role not this irrelevant na by force? cameo appearance how could he do me like that? How could he betray me for an anorexic Brit?

chiwetel ejiofor
Well i have a theory
genevieve nnaji
What do you mean?
chiwetel ejiofor
I mean you were given this irrelevant role because your beauty is overrated, your talent is generic and your hair style makes you look like a match stick
genevieve nnaji
chiwetel you insult me?
chiwetel ejiofor
Then the truth is now an insult
thandie newton
Hey chiwetel you owe her an apology
chiwetel ejiofor
I owe her............ ew! Gross what happened to you? But Biyi said you just recovered from malaria and you were ready to shoot one today
thandie newton
I'm fine i'm just in mourning because my aunty died
chiwetel ejiofor
O_o so the image of Nollywood mourning scenes is no longer a woman in black clothes with messed up hair sitting on a stool with a ton of extras/sympathizers surrounding her and going God giveth and God taketh? nice one Nollywood
narrator
ojukwu odumegwu meets with yakubu gowon
yakubu gowon
Hello there
odumegwu ojukwu
see this one who be your mate? come one prostrate and call me uncle you this small boy
yakubu gowon
Hey i'm not a kid i was made president for my wisdom and maturity check this out, in order to resolve the ongoing conflict in the country i have decided to DO THE EXACT SAME THING IRONSI DID BUT IN REVERSE to hurt your people
ojukwu odumegwu
Eh?
yakubu gowon
And i shall dissolve your power by complicating our nations geo-political zones yea i'm feeling myself
ojukwu odumegwu
mature! Well i have a better plan
yakubu gowon
Lemme guess you wanna seek justice for your slain brothers and sisters?
ojukwu odumegwu
Nope!
yakubu gowon
You wanna coup my a*ss out of office so you can prosecute me for my negligence in the crisis
ojukwu odumegwu
Nope
yakubu gowon
You wanna pump wads of cash into your region to boost the economy and ween yourselves off Nigeria's crude oil?
ojukwu odumegwu
hell no! I propose we play counter ball with the Nigerian lives we both swore to protect, see what i did there i said counter ball cause you're super young
yakubu gowon
hmmmn counter ball i like it count me in
narrator
anika calls joseph in fake london
anika noni rose
Hey joseph!
joseph mawle
Hey baby
anika noni rose
You know i can't stay mad at you even though you f*cking slept with my sister , anyway i miss you could you pop into Nigeria real quick?
joseph mawle
[s]f*ck no! After what hakeem kae kaseem did at the airport? i think i'll pass no a*ss is worth my life and peace of mind[/s]
*flips through script* what are the odds? The implausible plot says i'm to be in Nigeria cool i'm on my way baby
narrator
both heads of states address the nation
ojukwu odumegwu
Hey everyone i've seen all your suffering and my heart bleeds that's why i shall subject you people to even more deaths and displacements and general suffering aka secession
yakubu gowon
And i shall counter this secession in order to defend our nations pride and unity .Many of you will needlessly die but it's a sacrifice i'm willing to leave with see what i did there uncle ojukwu?
ojukwu odumegwu
Nice!
Nigerians
Are you sure this isn't about oil?
ojukwu odumegwu/yakubu gowon
of course not(noses sprout like pinnochio)
Britain
We are joining the war so People will shift the blame for the war from us
France
And we are joining the war because we hate Britain
Israel
And we are joining the war so we can test our weapons
South Africa
And we are joining the war because f*ck Nigeria
America
Yee haw! It Aint no civil war without an american interference
Russia
Dang it we hate america so we are in too
journalist
Ojukwu how prepared are you and your soldiers for the impending civil war your actions may cause?
odumegwu ojukwu
Ah yes my soldiers are well trained and prepared my army sh*ts on Yakubus Army(who trained most them) infact Yakubus army are going to be surprised at what they are gonna get
narrator
BOOM!!!! Thandie,her pot of soup, john,chiwetel and everyone goes on a mass exodus
odumegwu ojukwu
hey not fair i just gave a kick-a*ss speech couldn't y'all follow it with footage of battles we actually won?
biyi bandele
you mad at me wait till you read the novel this is based on i bet you'll wipe your a*ss with it
narrator
thandie's mom tina mba pays her a visit
tina mba
Hi thandie, i want to protect my diamond jewelry that's why i carry it everywhere with me Seriously? Why don't you hang a sign on me that says Mug me
thandie newton
What do you want?
tina mba
I have here four tickets to smuggle us to England you interested? Anika isn't coming i wonder why it's not like her husband isn't an english citizen and all plus she was really scared before war broke out, anyway i obviously made no effort to convince her to come along with us just like i'm gonna do with you cause that's what a real mother would do you know?
thandie newton
I'm sorry i won't be coming either i'm getting married
........... Hmmmm wouldn't chiwetel's kid need my slot since she's a kid and all?.......... nah! She'll be fine poverty and death would be good for her up bringing
tina mba
Ok(walks away)
say hello to the mother of the year
thandie newton
yea a Nigerian woman will hear news of her daughters wedding and won't freak out.
Narrator
next we meet the other nominee for mother of the year Onyeka Onwenu talking to thandie newton
Onyeka Onwenu
hey thandie you barren c*nt
biyi bandele
Oh yea we kind of lost that plot detail of thandie punching her tummy so should we make her barren or not? *thinking* yea let's just abandon that and keep the audience in continous mystery
thandie newton
hey i thought you were cool with me after your son knocked up susan?
Onyeka Onwenu
I care about my son so much so i have a suggestion of what he should do at this time of war
thandie newton
You want him to build a bomb shelter for protection?
onyeka onwenu
Nope
thandie newton
You want us to salvage and replant food crops destroyed during the war
onyeka onwenu
What? No!
thandie newton
You want him to sneak us into cameroon like bruce willis did in tears from the sun i mean that should increase the thrill in the plot right?
onyeka onwenu
Good God no i want you people to get hitched during a violent civil war
thandie newton
I don't think marriage should be our priority right now but hey i'm Nigerian today misplaced priority is our culture. o how romantic will you be there?
onyeka onwenu
F*ck no i love my house more than my son
thandie newton
I don't know where to get a dress
onyeka onwenu
don't worry i bet you'll find another misplaced priorityer who stores wedding dresses but not food and water, the cake would be a f*cking red sand single layer cake made by none other than master chef JOHN BOYEGA
Have fun
thandie newton
Hmmm so lemme review my options here i'm not married to chiwetel yet, chiwetel is absolutely obnoxious and we are in the middle of a civil war so what option do i take (a) Marry chiwetel and live a life of poverty and deprivation or (b) Return to a life of luxury in England?
Hmmmn i will pick chiwetel because my head is full of saw dust you see?
chiwetel ejiofor
ok now this is getting annoying mom come on the city has been invaded either ways you can't keep your house lets run to somewhere safe
onyeka onwenu
Ok fine its not about the house, i wanna get killed off so i can attend a PDP rally later this week they pay more than you guys you know
chiwetel ejiofor
o that makes sense have fun mom(drives off)

o.c ukeje
*singing* i was hereeeeeeeeeee!
narrator
onyeka onwenu dies anticlimatically off screen surprise surprise
chiwetel ejiofor
Wow i care about my mom? Why didn't i drag her with us when i knew what would happen to her, well
boo hoo? I guess
thandie newton
Oh i loved her so much she was so nice(nose sprouts like pinnochio)
narrator
thandie and chiwetel get married and it's the talk of the town
babou ceesay
Hi thandie i saw this dead flowers and i thought instead of catching the bouquet to get married next why don't we throw a bouquet of dead flowers to see who dies next
thandie newton
Are you foreshadowing your impending demise? isn't that for interesting characters people would actually miss?
babou ceesay
meanie all you had to say was you don't like the flowers (walks away)
Narrator
they are about to cut their wedding cake when Yakubus Airforce drop in literary
Airforce pilots
oops my hand slipped
john boyega
*in ty burrell voice* I've got thandie i've got thandie
chiwetel ejiofor
Hands off my newly wedded wife you perv
narrator
Nigerians display their street smarts by running in the same direction as the aerial bombs
chiwetel ejiofor
Wait a minute have you noticed the bombings are going only in one direction?
babou ceesay
(Running past chiwetel and thandie) last man is a fool
(Gets fragged)
ha! Sad death scene i bet there isn't a dry eye in the theatre
thandie newton
Came into the movie like a jerk and died like a p*ssy i think we will be fine
babou ceesay
(Muttering) f*cking Brit(walks off set)

To be continued.....

shockwave91:


exactly! Stage drama. Dats d term i was looking for. I still think the film is mulesh*t. And make kunle 4get! My bros for alaba don run am street. Dem don pirate d movie finish. If im like make im vex 4rm now till 2moro, nothing 4 am.

How about 30 days to atlanta? I swear, tell me say u like dat dogsh*t movie, and i go shoot u

Don't plan on seeing that one
From the trailer it looks like one of them osofia in london kind of movie


na wa o see as we don finish all Nollywood blockbusters, at least i appreciate the fact that some of them are starting to take their jobs seriously

Vivly:

Lol. Even If she wants the movie adaptation of Americanah, she'd seriously think.

Csami:

It's so awesome!
Severee, if the same guy try do the movie adaptation of Americanah, na to send sango after am.

Someone told me that brad pitt and lupita nyongo are looking towards making a movie version of americanah
Na true?

shockwave91:
severee lmfao!!! That ur anika noni rose and joseph mawle dialogue got me lolling so hard! this movie was so dull. Dint enjoy it 1 bit. Thought it was dogsh*t. U going to do October 1st? Cus i thought that movie too was horsesh*t

lol guy make kunle catch u say u talk say e sweat and blood na horse sh*t i hear say the guy dey para gan!
Anyway the small oct 1 wey i watch was kk it was just too predictable and the actors speaking english made it look like a stage drama just my opinion though

VillageBoi:


True shaa, sad for them as it was a $10m mega flop. I don't even think it's made $1m back.

US - $54,529
New Zealand - $37,763
UK - $214,101
Then add Nigerian figures (apparently $73,726 for DVD sales?? - no idea about actual 'box office' or if that is 'included') and that's about it.

Uk even try for them small i even thot nigeria had the highest sales

them come pirate am untop

Csami:


I'm not sure they made half of their money back. You know this looks and sounds cooler than the movie itself?

Ah forget o their losses were huge, I feel so sorry for them

Vivly:
Ok this is waaaaaaaay better than the movie..

awww! Stop i'm blushing

narrator
major general johnson aguiyi ironsi addresses Nigerians
aguiyi ironsi
hi guys i noticed this movie is turning into a lazily written 50 shades of grey kind of movie so i shall be jump starting the plot proper

Ahem! now following popular demand i'm now the new head of state of Nigeria
nnamdi azikiwe
popular demand under gun point you mean?
Kaduna Nzeogwu
man shut the f*ck up before i murder you like i did zack orji's bland minister friend
nnamdi azikiwe
(Walks away)

aguiyi ironsi
Anyway i shall make my administration benefit only my people and i dare the others to say something
Babafemi Ogundipe
But won't that freak out your colleagues? i mean not too long after your appointment and inter-ethnic discord has become a Nigerian trend just look at that guy at the airport
tribalist
hey thandie i'm a tribalistic bigot who hates your people now give up your digits
thandie newton
O_o and that's how you flirt with chicks?
tribalist
depends.........is it working?
thandie newton
Mtchew!!(Walks away)
aguiyi ironsi
haha c*ck block i bet he won't do that again
Babafemi Ogundipe
Still doesn't change anything sir
aguiyi ironsi
Fine then i will grant freedom of press
Babafemi Ogundipe
yea freedom to fuel hatred and rivalry between Nigerians?
aguiyi ironsi
Fine then i will enact decree 44
Babafemi Ogundipe
oh cool so i guess you'll be punishing the coup plotters then
aguiyi ironsi
Coup plotting? that's a crime?
Babafemi Ogundipe
ok now i'll take it you don't know how that makes you look
aguiyi ironsi
come on what's the worst that can happen?
theophilus danjuma
ding dong b*tches i got a counter-coup sandwich with your name on it........ yea Nigeria has one of the most laughable political histories ever.
yakubu gowon
i wanna be president
theophilus danjuma
What do you think this is? a pony ride? man go play in a bouncing castle or something
yakubu gowon
boo hoo mother f*cker
theophilus danjuma
*rolling eyes* ok fine damn!
narrator
thandie runs into joseph at a bar
joseph mawle
Hey thandie what are you doing here?
thandie newton
want to get drunk and troll for random dudes to hate f*ck for vendatta purposes are you interested?
joseph mawle
HYFR
narrator
they head home
jospeh mawle
You know this would be a good time for Nigeria to advertise Palm wine to the world just like russian vodka,american budweiser and french white wine
thandie newton
True
jospeh mawle
So why are you getting drunk on red wine instead?
thandie newton
haven't you cracked the code to the message of this movie yet? "WHITE MAN GOOD BLACK MAN BAD"
That's the message of the whole movie that's why every black guy in the movie is either a d*ck or irrelevant where as white is associated with everything holy
joseph mawle
That will explain why "santa baby" is playing in the background when it's not even christmas
(They f*ck)
narrator
thandie gets back with chiwetel
thandie newton
oh what a pretty baby i will take after her i love your hairy chest let's go jump bones real quick
chiwetel ejiofor
Ok so you didn't get back with me when i probably slept with susan wakomo but you suddenly love me again when you find her baby here?
thandie newton
oh don't worry about me i've totally taken all my anger and frustration on joseph's d*ck so i'm all good
chiwetel ejiofor
you what?!
narrator
chiwetel zooms off to joseph's home
joseph mawle
hi chiwetel
chiwetel ejiofor
get your d*ck out of my girlfriend you f*cking Equinsu Osha

bye(drives off)
joseph mawle
You drove all the way just to tell me that? Isn't that the reason why the telephone was created? i wonder what he will do to his girlfriend if he just freaked out on her lover
chiwetel ejiofor
i love you too honey even though a real Nigerian man will totally break up with ur a*ss
the one time they could actually say the truth about Nigerians and this is what they do?*shrugs*

narrator
thandie, noni and joseph are having lunch, joseph's man servant walks in
jude orhoha
Bae bae bae
Anika noni rose
dude this aint fuji house of commotion you can actually talk in this movie
jude orhoha
then in that case i shall showcase my alfred pennyworth impersonation,
Ahem! Master joseph your lunch awaits
thandie newton
Your food tastes real good
jude orhoha
Why thank you madam i used to sneak some of it to chiwetel till he had an altercation with my boss and being a proud Nigerian i instantly took sides with a white dude over my brother
go #OneNigeria
anika noni rose
You had a fight with chiwetel? Why?
you slept with my sister didn't you?
joseph mawle
the f*ck? how did you know that?
anika noni rose
i'm clairvoyant like my sister b*tch
jospeh mawle
i'm sorry in my defence i thought she was you, you both look alike
thandie newton
Oh did i forget to mention that anika and i are twins?
audience
(Laugh their heads off)
anika noni rose
I hate you joseph i never want to see you again
joseph mawle
Ok off to london then
narrator
joseph is at the airport when he glances at thandie who just happened to be there because........ "COINCIDENCE"
hakeem kae kaseem
hi guys! I'm here to do a head count on all the Nigerians who didn't see me play col. Ike dubaku in 24 season 7
Nigerians
What's it to you what do you want with them?
hakeem kae kaseem
I wanna give them a special flight ticket discount
Nigerians
In that case(puts up their hands)
hakeem kae kaseem
jeez luiz! Y'all are Nigerians you don't even look Nigerian you look like tourist making fun of Nigerian costumes and attires this is even worse than the nigerian scene in x-men origins
why can't movie adaptations get anything Right! Raaaaaaaaaaaargh
(Murders them all in a d*ck way and walks off to become the d*ck hitman in the series Gotham produced by the same d*cks that created arrow)
joseph mawle
[s]bada*ssly grabs an assault rifle from a soldier, murders the whole unit and takes hakeem kae kaseem prisoner to question him about his employers[/s]

(Sh*ts a brick)

I guess i should be worried about noni right? No? Okay
narrator
Next thandie accidentally walks into the set of the avengers
thandie newton
Um Cab driver why am i on the set of the avengers? Please turn around
cab driver
No ma'am it's actually a looting scene
thandie newton
So why is there fire everywhere i don't see anyone with a flame thrower or a kosovo cocktail
Scary as f*ck thug
hey thandie you are just in time to watch us brutally murder your favourite aunt church rat
thandie newton
ugh! Really?
Scary as f*ck thug
just kidding i'm just gonna drag her into a room (for reasons?) And then come out wiping my machete with a magic cloth that disappears two seconds later, i just hope the audience can use their imagination and not think i'm giving your aunty a time out( which is what this looks like though)
thandie newton
Hey aunt church rat where is you d*ck slashing knife?
gloria young
Great! the one time i didn't bring it with me,
What's even more hilarious is that i'm ten times bigger than this dude and i can snap him like a twig(dies)
thandie newton
Nooooooooo!
cab driver
Madam you can't go
thandie newton
Why?
cab driver
Like duh! You haven't paid your cab fare which should have tripled since i've added thandie's sentinel to my job description
thandie newton
*scowls*
cab driver
And i also want to rescue you from the thugs
scary as f*ck thug
hey guys i just sighted thandie like a thousand yards away with my super vision let's approach her slowly and dramatically to kill her
(They do so)
narrator
but thandie escapes narrowly with her life of course we weren't really scared for her to begin with

To be continued.........

Csami:
Severee, me and u know say the movie bad wella so no praise am one bit at all

ah ah oga have mercy, the film try small na
It was good enough to make their money back i'm still puzzled as to why it performed so poorly at the box office na even Nigeria push e sales up
I guess it's one of those movies that focused more on its look than its content

kobosmart:


Ah ah u wan cry oya make me sef whine you
beautiful post I laffed all thru

now you are talking dey wind my head
So I person go get hope dey scope e sef dey go

prof800:
severee...!!!

Briareos:
severe,
oya, come and conclude this tale.

VillageBoi:
Hahahaha... Severee you don come again!

Yes o it's your boy naija paul haggis

DuchessLily:
Lol

Well broken down

I was really hoping that Hollywood effect would rub off so well on nollywood in dis movie.

But dem try sha! Ain't easy

I won't lie the movie was good, the cinematography was good(even though the cinematographer wasn't Nollywood)
The scores and sound effects were excellent, the theatrics were moderate
The storyline was ok
The only part that missed it's mark was the plot
E enter confirm bush
One moment it's a love story then it looks like a love triangle then it looks like a disaster movie there was too much going on that even though it was a particular family that was the focus, nothing changed about them at the end of the day and too many loose ends

kobosmart:








hmmm u go fear winding

morale killer

john boyega
I'll do my best sir
thandie newton
*munch* ugh! Sick! you call this food? This is a bio-hazard argh!
chiwetel ejiofor
calm down honey it's just tasteless rice, nigerian men are the worst cooks remember?
thandie newton
Rice? Ugh! I bet your d*ck tastes better,let's go dry-hump offscreen
chiwetel ejiofor
but i was hoping we build a love story perhaps even some onscreen chemistry
thandie newton
Its a 1hour 55minute movie if anyone wants to see a love story from ground up go watch titanic
narrator
chiwetel's uppity mother onyeka onwenu shows up at chiwetel's house
onyeka onwenu
hi guys i play the typical mean Nigerian mother in law who hates thandie for no reason(because patience ozokwor is on holiday or something), now watch me give thandie sh*t for not sucking on her mother's t*ts
thandie newton
O_o so?
onyeka onwenu
As a proud illiterate Nigerian woman i'll say that makes you a witch
thandie newton
And how exactly did you find out without being a witch yourself?
onyeka onwenu
You're bad luck you can't marry my son
thandie newton
yea let's see i'm more educated, i'm more travelled, i'm a lot richer and attractive i mean i was dinning with a minister few scenes ago you on the other hand look like an 80 year old psychotic hobo now whose badluck?
onyeka onwenu
i don't wanna have this discussion anymore come on fat girl who is totally not here to screw your boyfriend
thandie newton
Er chiwetel.......who is that crazy woman? I hope you two ain't related?
chiwetel ejiofor
woman?! That's my mom
thandie newton
Really? Why does your mom look like a 250year old walrus while my mom looks like my elder sister?
chiwetel ejiofor
bad casting i guess?
thandie newton
Yuk! That means you are gonna age quickly, ugh! Get outta my house and never return you f*cking yetty
chiwetel ejiofor
just one time i flashed my hairy butt in 12 years a slave and everyone keeps calling me a walking carpet i have waxed it all off since then i promise
narrator
next we see chiwetel having a very meaningless chat with his friends
chiwetel ejiofor
i'm drunk yep i'm totally wasted and as a proud nigerian the next move is to get laid
babou ceesay
hi i have only 7 lines in this movie yay!
genevieve nnaji
i'm here to give the audience false hope of romance between me and chiwetel that's why i shall kiss him for no reason
narrator
john boyega peeks at chiwetel having sex later that night
john boyega
did i forget to add that i'm a peeping tom creep?
narrator
chiwetel visits thandie who is either bathing or soaking a tendering foot or m*sturbating Who knows? Anyway it looks super choreographed
biyi bandele
and make sure you get a shot of her peanut sized t*ts that's the money shot right there
audience
(Puke their guts)
thandie newton
you cheated on me didn't you?
chiwetel ejiofor
how did you know?
thandie newton
because i've developed clairvoyant powers damn it
biyi bandele
just thought i add a little sci-fi to the story
chiwetel ejiofor
you're right I had sex with someone
thandie newton
*rolling eyes*Ugh! Jeez! Who was it? Genevieve?
chiwetel ejiofor
Pfft! I wish
thandie newton
My sister?
chiwetel ejiofor
Nope it was with the susan wokoma
thandie newton

chiwetel ejiofor
you know, the ugly fat skank my mom brought with her
thandie newton
groooooooooooooooss!!
chiwetel ejiofor
But in my defence i think i was deliberately roofied by own my mom
onyeka onwenu
Hmmmm! So you finally figured it out magnum P.I, i deliberately got you drunk and forced her on you
chiwetel ejiofor
O God
onyeka onwenu
And now she's pregnant with my grand kid
chiwetel ejiofor
damn within how many days? That's bullsh*t
biyi bandele
ahem! 1hour 55minutes still have a civil war to cover so get on with it
chiwetel ejiofor
Sh*t i guess we should get married
onyeka onwenu
About that, she is actually getting married to someone else
chiwetel ejiofor
Wow! So first you scare off my girlfriend then you get me drunk and forced me to knock-up a girl getting married to someone else geez just how much could you complicate my life mom?
onyeka onwenu
ew! It's a female child we nigerians only respect and adore male children that's why i shall add to my only male childs headache by dumping the b*tch at his house
chiwetel ejiofor
i just had to ask
onyeka onwenu
that's me mom of the year
narrator
thandie runs off to her broke as f*ck aunty up north for advice cause, yea don't talk to mom about it
gloria young
Oh get used to that, all Nigerian men are unreliable douche bags when it comes to fidelity, but as for me and my husband, i always keep a butcher knife around to cut his d*ck if he ever gets caught cheating i suggest you do the same
Nobert young
*gulp*
thandie newton
oh thank you aunt church rat you are the best aunty ever even though you look more like my mother's grandmother's sister's mother

To be continued......

narrator
the movie starts with queen elizabeth's visit to nigeria in the 60s back when she was hot
Queen elizabeth
hi guys i'm here to sow ethnic discord among nigerians oops! i hope i didn't say that out loud
narrator
then skip to the terrible opening song with really gross lyrics
thandie newton
hi guys i play a nigerian in this movie even though i neither look nor sound nigerian i guess i'm only here because i played love interest to chiwetel ejiofor in the movie 2012 talk about lazy casting
anika noni rose
Hi i'm thandies wooden and forgettable sister who is disgustingly vulgar and gives up a*ss on the first date thereby giving the world a wrong notion about nigerian girls
narrator
next we see both sisters having dinner with their father who is kissing up to a minister for one of those vague contracts nollywood never explains
zack orji
Hi guys this is my only appearance in this movie which means that i'm so irrelevant to the plot that if you actually sneezed and closed your eyes you would think i wasn't in the movie at all
Anyway i play a multi-millionaire and CEO of Dorochukwu biscuit and soda factories? damn what is with chinamanda always limiting Nigerians to biscuit and bubble gum factories in most of her stories?
chinamanda adichie
I'm trying to be realistic
zack orji
oh thank you mrs condescending just so you know, nigerians can actually be CEOs of hedge fund companies and media corporations
chinamanda adichie
shhhhh! I'm saving every bit of implausibility for chiwetel's character
zack orji
o why didn't you say so? alright back to the plot of me pimping out my daughters for a f*cking contract
tina mba
i dey here too o
thandie newton
Er i don't wanna work with your minister friend, i actually applied to teach sociology at the university of nigeria nsukka i start first thing tomorrow
zack orji
Loooool! Really?! You applied to teach at a federal university in Nigeria with no teaching experience or a*ss kissing and you got the job just like that?
thandie newton
Er.....*shrugs*i guess
zack orji
Besides you are actually giving up a life of luxury to teach in a Nigerian university, any character development that inspired this?
thandie newton
we were hoping no one will pick on that einstein
zack orji
Whatever, what about you noni? Wanna take one for the team?
anika noni rose
I plan on running the family biscuit and soda company
zack orji
but you don't have any experience in managing a business or any knowledge of the Nigerian market
anika noni rose
Well tough t*tty cause you don't have a right hand guy or some sort of understudy to take over the company, now first order of business is to act like a spoilt brat and f*ck up dad's chances of securing that contract
zack orji
On second thought, why don't you go mingle in the independence festivities i'll kiss his a*ss alone
narrator
thandie and anika go mingle in the OCT 1 celebrations where anika meets a dude who is charming her panties off
Joseph Mawle
Vodka and a dry martini shaken not stirred , hey there pretty lady the name is Mawle, joseph Mawle and i'm so suave
anika noni rose
Hmmmn a bond reference allow me to reciprocate by dropping a funny bond girl name
The name is p*ssy galore Anika.......Anika noni
joseph mawle
Hmmm good thing i just wanna hit it and quit it so i won't have to remember that name
anika noni rose
So what do you do mr. Mawle
joseph mawle
I'm a british writer
anika noni rose
Or are you?
jospeh mawle
No i'm just a british writer
anika noni rose
But.........but i saw you in cold light of day and you totally kicked a*ss in that movie
joseph mawle
oh my dear you'll be so disappointed in this movie i put the punk in p*ssy punk b*tch.
anika noni rose
Rrrrrrrrrrrr! Here's my number call me sometime i'll be in my wide screen office over seeing the city of port harcourt
joseph bawle
Pffft! what?! Your biscuit and soda factory has an office with a view?isn't that for people with real jobs?
anika noni rose
*scowls*
narrator
next thandie goes up north to visit her suprisingly poverty stricken aunty gloria young
gloria young
hi guys the fact that i'm totally irrelevant to the plot and i live up north is totally innocent i promise
narrator
next we are introduced to chiwetel ejiofor
chiwetel ejiofor
hi guys f*ck what i said on the ellen degeneres show, i'm totally Nigerian today and you can see that from my stereotypical Igbo accent because yea that is how all Igbos talk right?
Anyway i'm a federal university single professor in his thirties who still teaches B.sc students, who lives in a kick-a*ss bachelor pad with a man servant and plays tennis on saturdays i guess chinamanda went over board with this one right?
john boyega
hey guys remember me from 24 season 9 as the drone pilot who barely said sh*t? Well in this movie i'll be playing a Nigerian boy who barely says sh*t
chiwetel ejiofor
So thandie's gonna be coming over today now i know you can't cook so rather than buying food i suggest you poison my date with bad food so we can at least give the audience a laugh or two
To be continued...

qbd2:

Hmm, tqs for d advice but u know I've fried it this same way b4 and it turned out pretty well, but just this time around it got wrong. Btw, I don't use baking powder for my pancakes and I don't like it dry nd crispy (

I think your problem was the sugar cause i can see a lot of burnt parts in the pic the work of frying sugar and batter under intense heat
The baking powder dosen't make it crunchy it only stops it from scattering

qbd2:
Even d greatest chef doesn't get it right at all times. Just sharing a pics of my attempt to make pancake that went wrong this time around.

the f*ck? *ROTFL*


Next time you can use an electric sandwich toaster in place of a fry pan or add lots of
butter,eggs and baking powder to mixture before scooping it into a hot and non sticky frypan

NB: don't add sugar to the mixture the syrup has got that covered

Bobo oti frustrate

may01:
That guy doesn't look like Banky

you no see e trade mark gigantic head?
I swear I can recognize that head from space

hmmmm mad person dey your house you dey form gentle man dey pray to God before you give am two slaps naija people are amazing.

Your wife may be suffering from factitious disorder or something better carry am go hospital before she murders you in your sleep

narrator
the coopers hold a family barbecue because yea we should celebrate the return of a crazy person in the house rather than take him to a hospital
sienna miller
Hey bradley wanna join the party?
bradley cooper
No thanks my favourite tv show is on
sienna miller
dude the tv is off
bradley cooper
Shhh! I'm trying to watch, this show is a real knee slapper
sienna miller
seriously? we are stealing jokes from no other than patrick star blank tv gag from spongebob?man i guess clint eastwood thought of everything
narrator
bradley sights a dog playing with a kid in a d*ck way and loses his sh*t
bradley cooper
(Zooms in face) WOLF?
doomed dog
Hey take it easy brad i'm just a do......
bradley cooper
WOOOOOOOOLF!!!!!!!!
narrator
bradley takes off his belt and prepares to r*pe the dog or something when sienna shows up and scream in horror because in hollywood movies that solves eeeeeeeeeverything
dog
F*ck how many "wolves" does he have to r*pe before you consider taking this nutcase to a hospital?
narrator
bradley FINALLY sees a doctor
⁠
doctor
Congratulations son you've have broken the record of mass murder you are now ahead of charles manson and hannibal lecter
bradley cooper
Yea i kinda have wikkipedia for that. you are a doctor so be a doctor
doctor
Well said so.......*smack* why have you been freaking out on your family? Come on talk to daddy
bradley cooper
I'm mad that i couldn't save more american lives that's right people
if you were expecting a heart felt apology from america for blowing iraq to sh*t and killing a f*ckton of iraqis
You can officially go f*ck yourself
doctor
I see well why don't you surround yourself with crippled soldiers and their sob stories perhaps when you are filled with so much depression and regret, you'll feel better in no time
bradley cooper
Really? Cool
narrator
bradley takes the soldiers on a field trip to a shooting range because they are totally pre-schoolers
pathetic soldier
Oh my sh*t i hit a target standing still wow i feel like a man just look at my huge b*ner
narrator
Brad has anticlimatically cured his post traumatic stress and he is now a good and boring father
⁠
bradley cooper
hey son you ready to go hunt and kill innocent animals? Yea animal cruelty is a family legacy you pass from generation to generation
sienna miller
i'm proud of you for getting yourself and making us a generic hollywood happy family
bradley cooper
Yea that's me hollywood flounders
Hey some marine nut cases mom gave me a call to help her son do Come to think of it i don't know what i'm doing for this kid
sienna miller
WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH NO ONE VISITING A HOSPITAL IN THIS MOVIE?
narrator
bradley cooper meets with a dude who looks like he is tripping balls
bradley cooper
Goodbye honey my offscreen death awaits
sienna miller
What?
bradley cooper
I mean i won't be late i will be back soon to ride unto the sunset with you and live happily ever after O f*ck why did i say that i'm going to die for real aint i?
audience
hmm the exact way abraham licoln vampire slayer ended? Way to go clint
clint eastwood

narrator
bradley is killed offscreen by a nut case isn't that an irony?
Anyway americans mourn while its a f*cking party in iraq i guess the movie had a happy ending
End

Csami:


Life just dey, which movie be next?

looking forward to the flow of blockbusters this year
-avengers
-dawn of justice
-spectre
-hitman
-antman
Na that time i go reload ammo cos i know say hollywood is ever ready to dissapoint

brothers:


Why you dey whine the guy

how dare u?
My friend kneel down there

Csami:
Funny as usual

Sup?! How life?

friendlyadvice:
Looool guy why don't you do for nollywood

yay! It's good to be back to on nairaland
Them wan use work kill person no time to slouch back on the lazy boy and type my swing misses
i don even forget say na american sniper i still dey do

Luke Grimes
Grrrrr! Sheik shot my friend? Oh its on now i shall water board him with his beard i shall negotiate some bullets into his head i shall grind his bones to make my bread hey that kind of rhymed
sammy sheik
Yawn!(Kills luke by sneezing on him)
bradley cooper
Oh come one(scurries off to America like a b*tch)
narrator
bradley is still freaking his family the f*ck out
bradley cooper
freak out.... freak out.... Freak the freak out
sienna miller
Is it time to open up to me about the war?
bradley cooper
Hey look over there an iraqi rebel(jumps out of window)
⁠
⁠narrator
bradley goes to visit his friend  Jake McDorman who was shot in the face earlier
bradley cooper
Hey buddie how is it going?
Jake McDorman
did i tell you i got my girlfriend a ring from zale and we are going to live happily ever after in Bermuda?
bradley cooper
dude! Did you learn NOTHING from last time?
Jake McDorman
What? Its not like sammy is here to kill me
anasthaesia
i'll finish sammy's job for him
sammy sheik
thank you brother i owe you one
narrator
bradley is still being a d*ck to his family
sienna miller
you're cheating on me with iraq i know it
bradley cooper
No i'm not
sienna miller
Yes you are you f*ck with iraq at evey chance you get while i'm just here flying solo
bradley cooper
Honey i promise i'm not holy sh*t! I just realized iraq is a lot more attractive and exciting than you, she's got a bigger BASE she's got BOMBS and she allows me to f*ck her anytime and anyway gosh i love iraq
sienna miller
I hate it when men cheat its a common hatred in our family
bradley cooper
(eye humping Iraq)
sienna miller
fine go to iraq see if i care and just so u know u're coming back to an empty home when you return
bradley cooper
(Making bradley loves Iraq lockets) *snaps*sure thing honey i'll take out the trash
narrator
bradley and his team have recovered the original movie plotline as bradley is once more providing stalking services to the US marine, some dude charges with a grenade launcher and bradley shoots him in the head
bradley cooper
*rolling eyes* to think they should've learnt by now
narrator
a little kid picks up the weapon
bradley cooper
What's this? a child to kill? Man you don't get them like this anymore
audience
What's this comic relief? The grenade launcher is obviously too heavy for the kid to carry and you are still gonna shoot him anyway?
bradley cooper
He is arab he is guilty now shut up while i take another hit on a kid from a safe distance
narrator
arab kid drops the grenade launcher and bolts
bradley cooper
Oh barnacles you see what you did? made me miss that kill
micheal buffer
On the red corner with a countless kill of american soldiers from a thousand yards and an olympic gold in sharp shooting not to mention making brad his b*tch three times already give it up for sammy sheik the Iraqi sniper
And
On the blue corner having a total kill of 255 people including women and children,he is a lousy husband and a scary as f*ck father its bradley cooper the america sniper
⁠
Llllllllllllllllllllet's get ready to rumbllllllllllllllllle
narrator
bradley and his team take their positions
bradley cooper
Mango orange what's your 10? Purple pineapple watch your 12'0'clock yeah i guess just saying a couple of rubbish makes my role as a navy seal believable
narrator
sammy sheik is in early lead as he pins down bradley with sniper gun fire
bradley cooper
oh come on gimme a break i just got here!
narrator
now the navy seals are getting on the offensive as they seem to have pinned down sammy sheik
bradley cooper
i'm gonna twist your sh*t up mr sammy sheik hoorah!
narrator
but sammy sheik give them maradona as he starts shooting from another angle
sammy sheik
peek-a-boo motherf*ckers! hey why do i suck all of a sudden? i mean i've been shooting since and i haven't hit a thing
bradley cooper
Uh i think i just spotted sam
brad's unit
From 2000 yards with a gang full of arabs downstairs you're kidding right? Please stand down our p*ssy wagon is on its way and we'll rather not wake up murdered at the end of this tour
bradley cooper
S-T-A-N-D-D-O-W-N spells take him out ok
sammy sheik
From 2000 yards? yeah right when you aren't some kind of james mcavoy from wanted
bullet
eat lead you Arab dead shot
sammy sheik
Ooooooooooooooouch! Really? For the love of God its a biographic movie how am i getting killed from over 2000yards? Can bullets even travel that far?
clint eastwood
you underestimate the power of hollywood's desperation to make a buck syndrome
⁠sammy sheik
Erk!(Dies)
bradley cooper
Yes yes yes yeeeeeeees! *singing* we are the champions my friends and we will keep on fighting till the end oh sh*t i forgot about the insurgents down stairs, quick let's take cover under this sand storm that should protect us, wow this sure is the best time to call my wife
sienna miller
Hello?
bradley cooper
*singing* i'm coming home coming home tell the world that i'm coming home let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday(gets shot in the back and is abandoned by his b*tch made team) oh come one really?! This was supposed to be my moment
narrator
with a mortal bullet wound, dehydration and poor health conditions, bradley dies in iraq
bradley cooper
psyche! My p*ssy wagon actually did stop for me and the iraqi insurgents were nice enough to go blind on the whole thing
To be continued......

reganvida:
I have noticed that a great number of people in the south east listens to a particular radio frequency which i found out to be radio Biafra.
Listening to radio Biafra is not the problem,the problem is the words spoken by the broadcasters.The broadcasters have been using inciting words to bring about a division in Nigeria.
I can remember a particular broadcast which I was able to listen to which preached about the necessity of a bycot of the just concluded national elections,telling their listeners that going out to vote means acceptance of one Nigeria and i think this played a secondary role to the low turn out of the south easterners on that day.
What marvels me in all this is the silence of FG. I don't want to believe that the FG doesn't know about this radio Biafra because the allocation of radio frequencies must go through so red tapes.
Am beginning to think,is the FG ignoring them on purpose?Is the FG trying to use this radio station to create problems when their time expires? Is this part of a larger plan for the eventual division of this country? I don't know,but what i know is that such a radio station should not be allowed to exist because of the inciting programmes they run at the station.

nah! It's just their niche(selling point)
Their demographic is south-easterners
and if talking about actualization of biafra gets people through the door then they should carry on because "MONEY HARD MAN"
Don't worry if they are unethical or out of line, FRCN will be sure to caution them

-John tucker must die
-Walk to remember

Khalessi:
And this drum keeps saying she's a virgin...

Drum ke? na matress we dey call am for house o

suggyspic:
Emenike got married to Juliet in 2008, after five years of marriage, they broke up in 2013. Emenike tried every thing possible to make her(Juliet) stay but her mind was made up. She left the marriage in spite of her father asking her to be patient and stay. Juliet's father told her that she knows the culture that once you are married and the bride price has been paid, she cannot bring any other man to remarry her.

Two years after the breakup Emenike wants the father to refund him the bride price, but the father refuse telling him that he is still his son-in-law till death.

Is this true that in Delta state that bride price cannot be returned?

What other method can Emenike use to collect his bride price, considering the fact that his kindred have made efforts towards the issue.

Can the customary court compel the father to give back the bride price?

N/b. They WEre only married in the traditional way.

make the guy carry the girl papa go court na

Alaroro still dey pursue 5 year old bride price