₦airaland Forum

Naijasinglegirl:
Have you ever been scrolling through you your Instagram explore feed and you see users posting photos of them with celebrities? Or maybe you happen to have a random discussion with colleagues and when the name of a celebrity comes up, they dish details of the celebrity with certainty. No, they don’t have two heads. If you have been wondering how you can ever meet a celebrity in Lagos, I have made a list of 14 jobs that makes it possible. Read below . . .

Op you forgot to add bleaching cream sales and cocaine smuggling

TadeDada:
That's the lovely BASENJI... Here's mine the incredible "DIEGO" Love him so much

Lol see as u hold e neck una dey fight?

K9blunt:
Please what breed is this dog

She has slight white socks on her front paws.

Each of her hind legs have extra toes and nails, though quite useless.

I heard she's another breed of German Shepherd but I quite disagree....

Any ideas?

It kinda loox like a belgian shepherd dog we have plenty of those ere that pass for german shepherds

bamosagie:
Where is the big boy?!

Must the gals always look gross?

ades0la:
Alright.

yea its rly sad

ades0la:
Can you please write something like this for deadpool too?

wish I could but deadpool already yabbed itself for us

nnachidav:
Hahahahahhahahaaa my friend wake up for dream joor

See nigerian, instead make you claim am for me you dey piss untop my bush lillies, kneel down der

ades0la:
I find this more interesting than the movie itself

thanx

ezeagu:
Aww, her father is a thief who stole Abia State children's futures, how cute for her.

my friend how dare you insult my future father inlaw? Kneel down dere

henry cavill
Ew did someone just eat him up and puked him out? why does he look so gross?
jesse eisenberg
yea I guess it would have been cooler and more terrifying if we made a zombie micheal shannon
henry cavill
Ugh he looks like that crappy toxic avenger dude from the 80s
jesse eisenberg
Yea yea
henry cavill
Almost looks like some disgruntled dude just f*cked him up to get at zack snyder
jesse eisenberg
Well I gues......
henry cavill
Gosh! I mean Did he fall in a bowl of sh*t or is that just how he looks
dooms day
WE GET IT!!!(Punches henry outter the building)
narrator
then they start to fight and when I mean fight I mean they begin to trash the Gotham surroundings
ben affleck
What da? hey are you gonna pay to repair the roads you 're trashing? you're lucky our moms have the same name or I would have lost my sh*t
henry cavill
C'mon money bags you can pay for it
ben affleck
Godammit I aint made of cash can't you fight him in space or something?
henry cavill
Hmmm good idea
narrator
so henry kicks dooms days a*ss into space meanwhile the military does what they do best in these kind of movies which is sit on their hands and act like *diots
military personnel
Hey henry is fighting the bogey and has taken him to space
harry lennix
Awww! He really does love us........now nuke his a*ss
military personnel
Wait what?
harry lennix
Well to prevent what happened last time, I'm not so sure why we only see these people when henry is around and most of all I've always wanted to look like I know what I'm doing
military personnel
Okay.. FIRE!!
narrator
they fire a nuclear missile at henry and doomsday which kills henry for 2minutes and tickles doomsday
military personnel
*judgemental look* sir it's raining doomsday
harry lennix
Dammit where is henry?
military personnel
Well he didn't come along so what do you think?
harry lennix
Well I guess its back to sitting on my hands
military personnel
Ugh! Now he's copying hulk and king kong moves
ben affleck
Oh great nice going harry now I have to fight him on my own using the lesson I never learnt when going up against henry(doomsday trashes his bat jet)
Hey how am I still alive?
doomsday
Prepare to be laser eye f*cked you jerk
ben affleck
Oh sh*t wished the meta humans were here
ezra miller
My mommy is calling me(runs home from milk store)
jason momoa
I'm too busy with the momoa fish to poor people foundation
cyborg
Let's do this
audience
wow that's what you look like?
cyborg
Yea what do I look like?
audience
You look like bucket of LFMAO gosh I guess dc is really trying to bring some laughs into their franchise huh?
cyborg
*cries and runs home*
gal gadot
I'll save you my love
narrator
just as doomsday is about to dubstep bencaptain america gal blocks ben with her shield
gal gadot
Hey I never asked how did you send me that email? it's not like you have my address or even knew my name
ben affleck
And lucky for you that your costume just happens to be closeby even though you clearly looked like you were done being a superhero except you're a stripper or something
narrator
henry wakes up and continues his project gotham demolition
ben affleck
Dude show a lil class c'mon gal's over here fighting doomsday yet you don't see any buildings falling down
henry cavill
Yeowch! Who is this cactus flower?
ben affleck
She bleeds........like 5 days a month
henry cavill
Ugh ew I guess she's with you
ben affleck
No she's with you
henry cavill
No she's with you
ben affleck
No she's with you
narrator
meanwhile amy struggles to be relevant to the plot but ends up drowning cause NOBODY CARES..back to the super fight
gal gadot
Taste my blade now taste my sonic boom now taste my lasso
doomsday
Hmmm hw big is this lasso to bound me and fit in your holster at the same time?
henry cavill
You nit picker taste pure kryptonian knuckles
ben affleck
Woa y'all look pretty busy so If you need me I'll be over here sh*tting a brick
jeremy irons
Shouldn't you be blasting doomsday with your krypto gun or better yet, picking up your staff to kill doomsday with it?
ben affleck
hey gimme a break I just kicked kryptonian a*ss, kicked a ton of russian thug a*ss, murdered a super villain and survived a plane crash, all that awesomeness can tire someone out you know
audience
like us (puke from being dizzy)
doomsday
YOU!!!
ben affleck
Gulp! Mommy(begins to flee)ok fine jeremy what did you say about my spear? I'm totally running to go get it(nose sprouts like pinnochio)
henry cavill
Ok guys time out amy is in trouble gat to go
gal gadot
Hey hang on why not just get ben to do it? you left your mom in his care a while ago I can't take out doomsday on my own.... sh*t he's gone what a jerk
narrator
henry rescues amy and then retrieves the krypto spear which weakens him instantly and when I say "weaken" I mean still possessing power of flight and super strength but just moan and acting drunk kind of weakness
henry cavill
Hey are you ok?
amy adams
Me? Pfft! B*tch please after downing so much dirty water in my lungs....of course I'm fine
henry cavill
Well I've gotta go guilt trip the world by killing myself instead of simply handing the spear over to ben or gal
amy adams
What? No
henry cavill
I love you amy, cavill out(flies off)
ben affleck
Oh yea this is actually the best time to shoot a krypto gas pellet at doomsday
henry cavill
Smh
ben affleck
Hey where are you going with my spear? Don't get yourself killed c'mon whose gonna help DCEU in the box office?
jared leto
Did someone call for DCs "joker card"?
ben affleck
Oh right carry on
narrator
henry stabs doomsday in the heart
henry cavill
f*ck YOU!!!!!!
doomsday
Hmm speaking of f*cking(t*tty f*cks henry with his exo-skeletal claws)
narrator
and they both die
audience
Pfft!Bologne
zack snyder
I hate you, you never support anything I do all you care abt is joss whedon I wish you were dead(runs to his room crying)
ben affleck
*sigh* Well I guess it all worked out in the end *high fives gal*
amy adams
Hmmm a scary violent unpredictable vigilante, a weirdly dressed super strengthened woman and a giant monster wow I'm so scared I bet everyone can see that in my totally emotionless expressions
narrator
meanwhile a swat team storms the kryptonian spaceship and find jesse
Stealing from the plot of marvels avengers
[b]swat team
What da f*ck?
jesse eisenberg
Uh this is not what it looks like
Wait a minute why are you here it's not like you have any evidence to arrest me and the only witness you have is a dead alien and his girlfriend
swat team
Uh ok we'll just keep you in holding till we find/forge some*evil smiles*
narrator
then there's a mass burial for henry cavill which makes for a very interesting story when amy has to explain how human henry cavill is also dead at the same time
everyone
wait we are not supposed to know henry is superman
henry cavill
Grrr! I'm not super.....uh oh
zack snyder
why you plot spoiling son of a b*tch
narrator
ben visits jesse in prison
ben affleck
B*tch despite hearing of how my branding kills people I've decided to do it anyway. BTW why aren't you in guantanamo?
jesse eisenberg
because I'm insane(sh*ts on hands and write on the walls with it)
ben affleck
Cool....will take you to arkham then have some friends over there toodles(brands wall)
jesse eisenberg
Hmm at least try to give a sh*t about the next prisoner who will occupy this room don't you think the branded wall will mean execution for them too?

End

narrator
amy is dragged before jesse eisenberg so he can st*pidly reveal his plans
amy adams
Er you found out about the bullets right? Wait a minute why didn't I turn that over to anyone
jesse eisenberg
Bullets? What bullets?
amy adams
The bullets I found in da....ugh! So why are you openly slapping a kidnapping charge on your a*ss?
jesse eisenberg
how about we throw in an attempted murder charge in the mix cause I've tossed ben and henry in a epic match so ben can totally kill henry with the kryptonite he took off me
amy adams
O_o ok? So how do you get them together? Throw another "rob the f*ck outta me" dinner party?
jesse eisenberg
No actually what I did was
1. Uncover batman and superman's secret identity
2. Friended an african war lord
3. Waited till the said african warlord invited you over to somalianairomi for an interview
4. Then callan will out micheal cassidy as a spy because somehow the cia will want in on the action and will infiltrate the african warlords compound using you as cover
5. Then luckily henry in his destructive fashion will arrive just in time to destroy a missile and drone over the compound rendering the cia blind but not in time to find callan roasting the rebels
6.Then I bribe an african lady to lie that henry attacked the village luckily also the cia won't be stoked about sticking around to properly investigate the casualties(and the bullet holes in them) before deciding that calvin did it even though they never saw him take out the drone
7. Then I'll pay some dudes to kill a prisoner and make it look like its because he has a batman tatoo and no one will wonder why criminals with bat tats are more hated than the normal criminals
8. Then I'll pray like crazy for henry to watch the news and take offence with ben but not just toss ben in a jail cell with his pinky
9. Then I paid homage to breaking bad by rigging scoots wheel chair with explosives
jena malone
Number 9 was made possible because there was lead around the wheel chair which stopped henry from seeing the bomb(collects paycheck and leaves)
jesse eisenberg
10. Graffitti and send ben prank notes like a 10 year old then I........... hey why are you smiling? You're supposed to be terrified
amy adams
Because this all sounds like a parody of ozymandias plan from watchmen with extra cheesiness
jesse eisenberg
you dare laugh at my plans(tosses amy off a building)
amy adams
yawn! Oh I mean waaaaaaah! I'm so petrified oh the horror of falling to ones death, the terror the zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz oh sorry I mean a........ I mean a......... Well I'm petrified?
henry caville
I've got you baby now if you excuse me I shall leave you unattended you know just incase you wanna get kidnapped again
amy adams
Wooo! What a rush, my hands aren't even shaking so I guess I should go talk to ben about how jesse is setting he and henry up..............or maybe I should just stand around till the movie needs me again
narrator
henry [s]grabs jesse by the ears and forces him to confess to his acts of terror in africa and metropolis[/s] confronts jesse with his epic constipated frown
henry cavill
Grrrrr! Why did you toss my girlfriend off the building?
jesse eisenberg
what makes you so sure I did it maliciously? for all I know we could have been waltzing and she slipped and fell off so what are you mad at me for?
henry cavill
cause the finger sandwiches at your party tasted like hot armpits and your wine tasted like piss that's why I hate you
jesse eisenberg
Anyway I kidnapped diane and now I shall force you to do my bidding muahahahahahahahaha!
henry cavill
yea sure like I can't circumnavigate the universe and find her within the fraction of a second*flips through script* oh I mean MOMMA!!!!! *sucks on his thumbs* ok what do you want?
jesse eisenberg
Well I want you to go fight ben
henry cavill
Why? are you gonna be watching?
jesse eisenberg
No
henry cavill
Is anyone gonna be watching?
jesse eisenberg
Er........no
henry cavill
Then why the f*ck am I fighting him?
jesse eisenberg
Because God didn't save me from my abusive father when I was a kid
henry cavill
wait what?
jesse eisenberg
You heard me
henry cavill
So you want vendetta for your dad beating your a*ss? How does that even add up? And what are you mad at me for? I'm no god you should be mad gal gadot instead she's the one whose a goddess and all
jesse eisenberg
just shut up and go kill ben ok? You've got one hour
henry cavill
Fine! By the way I'm just gonna holla my girl real quick you mind?
jesse eisenberg
*shrugs* she's your mom(hops into chopper)
narrator
henry meets with amy
henry cavill
he's got my mom
amy adams
Ok so go save her I mean you could torture jesse and get him to call off her hit or you use your super hearing or vision to track her I mean that should only take about 10minutes
henry cavill
Nah f*ck that, I'll rather go negotiate with a crazy dude gosh! Maybe I shouldn't have f*cked up his ride
cab man
Hey aint that superman? Why am I not totally taking a pic of him french kissing a metro chick and putting it on twitter or selling it to a journalist? *shrugs*
narrator
henry approaches ben but first he damages the floor because "he comes in peace"
henry cavill
Er why are you wearing a trash can with a cape?
ben affleck
Tell me....do you laugh?
henry cavill
Never mind it's not that funny anyway,so hey ben I need your help(shoves ben to mecca)
ben affleck
That's why you mentioned my characters first name are you trying to blackmail me? Eat sonic waves you quere(blasts henry with sonic waves that don't deafen ben or shatter the window of buildings nearby)
henry cavill
C'mon man you are the only one who can help me(trashes ben's gadget violently)
ben affleck
I'm listening(overdoses henry on bullets)
henry cavill
hey you better not have wrecked my suit(checks) well what do you know, my suit is bullet proof as well
(Tosses ben onto the roof of a building of course in man of steel tradition he totally wrecks someones apartment while doing so)
ben affleck
Ooooooooooouch! Wait how does this metal suit stop me from feeling the effects of gravity or pain? Oh sh*t henry is coming (tosses smoke screen at him)
henry cavill
Hey dude c'mon I don't wanna hurt ya you know you're being a real b*tch right now and what makes you think I can't float over the smoke screen or see through it?
ben affleck
Because you are a m*ron and everyone wants me to beat your a*ss so they've made you extra st*pid for this fight(fires a krypto gas pellet at henry)
henry cavill
Gas? Really? Have you forgotten that I fought in freaking space in the last movie? I bet I don't even use my nose at all(does so anyway) oh lord I have inhaled kryptonite gas and now I'm as light as a feather but tough enough to not burst open when smudged between metal and hardass concrete
ben affleck
Yea and I hid my secret weapon at the bottom of the world let's just hope you don't recover before we get there now time for some badass ninja skills like straddle punching(straddle punches henry to recovery) oh sh*t
henry cavill
Well I can see asking for your help is a bad idea so I'll just go find my mom by myself or maybe just throw you a punch(does so) or maybe two(does so) or maybe three(does so) ok fine I'll stay and fight grrrrrr!(Gets gased again) the f*ck man how did I fall for this twice?
ben affleck
grrrr you trashed my garbage can suit? I ma go WWE on your a*ss(crashes a toilet sink on henry head)then I ma toss you off a flight of stairs(does so) and just for the kicks I ma take you fishing(makes henry his b*tch with a fishing rod) now time to test and see how sharp my kryptonite spear is(gives henry a tribal mark) yep it is sharp enough, time to go buddie any last words?
henry cavill
Martha
ben affleck
Haha few seconds from your death and you're making yo mama jokes that aren't even funny
henry cavill
No you don't understand my mom's name is martha and........
ben affleck
She's a kryptonian and I should totally kill her too good call buddie
henry cavill
shut up dude! My mom just got her a*ss kidnapped and I was blackmailed to fight you
ben affleck
yea right!
amy adams
He's telling the truth
ben affleck
Oh ok(tosses his spear) this totally erases your raucus in metropolis,somalia nairomi and gotham
henry cavill
Gotham?
ben affleck
C'mon its a hollywood superhero movie you think trashing a few rooms screams FINALE
henry cavill
Yea you are right now go find my mother yes that's right I want you who I don't trust and is a 1million times slower than I am to go save my mom
ben affleck
Yea good thing jesse didn't find a way to monitor you to make sure you followed his instructions
jeremy irons
I've located diane lane with my magic powers she's in a cliched russian warehouse with 3 floors filled with armed russian dudes facing one direction are you sure you are the man for the job? I mean shouldn't you be confronting jesse instead?
narrator
ben rushes into action by wasting a bunch of time getting change of clothes and probably shaving and catching a tv show before heading to rescue henry's mother
zack snyder
Now time to cream your shorts for that awesome fight scene I put in the trailer
narrator
scene is exactly how it's in the trailer without an addition or subtraction
audience
That's it I'm getting a refund I can just watch the youtube trailers and have a filled day
zack snyder
Hey wait callan and ben are about to have a showdown
callan mulvey
If you take one step you'll see the inside of her head........wait haven't we done this before? Yea the showdown between the african rebel and henry with amy inbetween
zack snyder
Yea it's a take on how ben would have done it
audience
*praying* God please let there be a good fight scene please please
callan mulvey
I'll kill her
ben affleck
Tell that to my killing joke(blasts callan anticlimatically)
diane lane
A dude just got brutally roasted by a murderous scary vigilante that certainly turns me on watch my orgasm face
audience
there's no God
narrator
meanwhile henry confronts jesse again
jesse eisenberg
Henry we have to stop meeting like this......... uh you didn't kill ben? Wait is my objective to kill ben or henry or both? I'm getting my objectives muddled again cause now it looks like I just wanna trash gotham for no reason
henry cavill
Why am I not arresting you right now.....o sh*t what's that
jesse eisenberg
Your doomsday

To be continued......

kryptonian1987:
why would I want to read it? that childish movie that is meant for teens.... the most overrated movie of the year!

"hahaha!
na obsession won kill you so oh!"
- wise words of kryptonian1987

kryptonian1987:
despite all its powerful WoM and unbelievable very very high RT score, it couldn't even break the $450m mark , domestically... not even close to it

Hmmm even tho it's actually one of the highest rated and grossing movies of this year?
Like I said whatever helps you sleep at nite

kryptonian1987:
hahaha!
na obsession won kill you so oh!

What's this one saying?

kryptonian1987:
people are still debating abt BvS till date,

Debating? More like laffing I mean bvs is like a documentary on how to make an awful movie

kryptonian1987:
just to tell u it has something they called: classical cultic in it...!

Whatever helps you sleep at nite man

kryptonian1987:
unlike that done and dusted CW which no one talk about since 2months+ ago

I have a post for civil war as well you can look it up if you like

ben affleck
Hey I just heard that scoot never got his pay checks what gives man?
And who keeps sending me these prank letters? These aint funny no more
worker
Um boss? The town hall just blew up and scoot along with it
ben affleck
Really? Oh then back to work I guess
narrator
meanwhile jesse is working on micheal shannons body totally unsupervised
jesse eisenberg
Yes even though I'm not a scientist or a kryptonian I've stored vast knowledge and technicalities thanks to the 10minute tutorial video carla gugino gave me
carla gugino
You're welcome
jesse eisenberg
Now time to re-animate micheal shannon by splicing my dna with micheal's dead corpse and shoving him into the lazarus pit
Wait why is there a lake in this space craft? How did no one get electrocuted before now?and how does my dna get to micheal shannon when my blood like totally difussed in this bigass lake? And what makes me so sure he will kill henry this time I mean they were 5 of them the last time and they didn't even get close to rumpling his shirt
zack snyder
shut up and make a joke before the audiences head explode
jesse eisenberg
Ok ok you flew too close to the sun
micheal shannon
Wait how does that make any sense is my skin tanned?
jesse eisenberg
No
micheal shannon
Is the sun suddenly harmful to kryptonians?
jesse eisenberg
What? No
micheal shannon
I don't get it was there a deleted scene or alternate ending in man of steel where I flew into the sun and got fragged
jesse eisenberg
Dude?
micheal shannon
*rolling eyes* Ok ok jeez
narrator
it's finale time and all the characters furiously prepare for it, ben affleck prepares by moping around like he was forced to eat cheese puffs outta a dudes a*ss
jeremy irons
So old man what are you doing?
ben affleck
I'm thinking because that's what old people do
jeremy irons
C'mon don't worry too much it's bad for your blood pressure and you know you got your athritis and all
audience
*rolling eyes* Ugh! we get it ben is an older batman
jeremy irons
So how exactly are you gonna win this fight against a dude who ripped your bat mobile apart by sneezing on it
audience #1
Oh my God it's fan service time
audience #2
Yea since he stashes his enemies weapons after their capture I bet he's gonna bulk up with banes venom and then distract henry with scarecrows gas and then do some crazy martial arts nerve-paralyzing move he got from the league of shadows and from kryptonian anatomy which he somehow knows about
ben affleck
Nah an anticipated fight like batman v superman should be totally unmemorable So I'll just borrow iron man's hulk buster, spray henry in the face with kryptonite and call it a day
narrator
diane lane also prepares for the finale by getting her a*ss kidnapped
diane lane
why hello sexy dude who looks like oliver martinez, you wanna pork me in the bathroom for old times sake
callan mulvey
First of all this isn't unfaithful, second you are 12 years older so ew and lastly I'm totally here to kidnap your a*ss for being henry's mother
diane lane
Finally! I mean with all the clues we carelessly leave behind what took y'all so long?(Gets kidnapped)
narrator
amy adams prepares for the finales by willingly walking into a trap
amy adams
Hey callan you totally look familiar oh sh*t
callan mulvey
Yea I'm about to kidnap your a*ss in this totally public place I just hope you aren't smart enough to scream and alert passersby
amy adams
(Gets kidnapped too)
narrator
gal prepares for the finale by being as boring as f*ck
gal gadot
Hmmm ben knows my secret identity so I've to run for it inmy invisible jet a commercial airplane but for the benefit of the audience let's take a sneak peak at the bleak future of DC
narrator
we are introduced to flash,aquaman and cyborg
ezra miller
Hi I'm an flash I fight crime and conceal my identity by not disconnecting the freaking surveillance camera
jason momoa
I'm aquaman the most unrelatable comic book character in the universe and don't judge me for taking on a movie that directors are avoiding...... I mean it's not like Game Of Thrones is gonna pay my mortgage
scientist
Hi I'm making a blooper video about experiments gone wrong now time to run around like an *diot while a dude screams like his nuts are on fire and the audience shake their heads in disappointment while marvel laugh theirs off
ryan reynolds
And I'm green lanter........
audience
(Holding up a tyre iron)What you say?
ryan reynolds
Er nothing
gal gadot
Yep I'm definitely leaving
audience
Wait for us

To be continued......

narrator
callan mulvey brings the kyptonite to jesse
jesse eisenberg
what da f*ck happened to my delivery truck? Were drag racing with it again? And where are your hommies? Are they on goons strike again?
callan mulvey
Well er
jesse eisenberg
Psyche! I don't care about all these or the trail your smuggling left behind that could lead the cops to me all I care about is my newly acquired kryptonite.......now shove it in this show glass so ben can come steal it later
callan mulvey
Wait you wanted ben to have it? Then why didn't you dump it at his door step or instruct us to toss it off the truck when he was killing our a*sses?
jesse eisenberg
dude it's been over an hour already in this confusing movie are you still asking questions?
callan mulvey
I guess not

narrator
so ben towsdrives his beyond
Repair damaged bat-mobile back to his batcave which is kind of hilarious
ben affleck
Grrrr! Henry wrecked my bat mobile oh I'm gonna show him I'm gonna make him bleed jeremy! Jeremy!! Get your old wrinkled a*ss out here
jeremy irons
What?
ben affleck
Why the f*ck were you radio-silenced when my batmobile was getting sh*tfaced?
jeremy irons
boy you don't talk to me like that! Now go fix me a cup of coffee 3 creams 4 sugars ASAP!
ben affleck
Yes sir
jeremy irons
And while you are at it,abandon the "hunt for henry" plot and go about your life normally
ben affleck
buh I wanna...........
jeremy irons
Boy you wanna get slapped into another planet?
ben affleck
no sir
narrator
meanwhile in metropolis it finally dawns on henry that he's a jerk and everyone is right to hate him
henry cavill
Amy I've finally realized that I'm a jerk and everyone is right to hate me
amy adams
Like duh you totally trashed two military drones and an american city which you've not apologized for by the way plus everyone is in the dark about who you are and what your mission on earth is I mean why did micheal shannon want you so badly? Were you a fugitive on krypton? Or a dual personality schizophrenic? Or a kryptonian spy who betrayed micheal to deceive us? Its no surprise they hate you if there's any surprise it's that they built a monument for you while hating you at the same time
zack snyder
Contradictions...... That's the snyder trademark
henry cavill
Trust me a b*tch slap isn't something you'll want from a guy like me
amy adams
Ok fine how about you organize a press conference like tony stark did at the end of ironman 1 you could explain your mission on earth and apologize for the mess you've made so far
henry cavill
That's a good idea but what I need is a dumb idea so let's go over it again
amy adams
Well you could track down the casualty from the metro attacks and help them get closure with the whole incident
henry cavill
Still a good idea
amy adams
Okay rebuild metropolis
henry cavill
Go dumb
amy adams
Reverse time
henry cavill
Dumber
amy adams
Hang up your cape and keep your promise to kevin costner
henry cavill
Dumber
amy adams
Don't know what to say man except you wanna go on one of em "grill your a*ss tribunals" which are totally biased and can make the world hate you even more
henry cavill
Hmmm I'll do that
amy adams
Yea...... wait what
henry cavill
Yea I mean what totally destroyed dr manhattan in watchmen will definitely work in my favour right? Thanks hun
narrator
somehow henry sends the word out that he'll seat with senator holly or senator holly has been holding empty hearings everyday since she reached out to henry or let's just say henry chose to appear at a hearing that holly coincidentally held for henry .....anyway holly bumps into jesse
jesse eisenberg
Hi holly
holly hunter
Quick arrest him
jesse eisenberg
Arrest me? Why?
holly hunter
Your somali nairomi friend just confessed that you staged the mass murder and paid her to blame henry for it
jesse eisenberg
Damn I must have really scrooged her over on the bribe for her to pick jail just to get back at me, anyway I gotta go get my prison shoes BRB
holly hunter
Ok
jesse eisenberg
Enjoy your hot seat
holly hunter
Huh?
jesse eisenberg
A hot seat for a really hot lady *snickering*
holly hunter
Wait you're not gonna blow up this hearing to cover your tracks are you?
jesse eisenberg
What? Me? HELL no
holly hunter
*scowls*
narrator
so henry appears before a hearing just in time for the hall to go BOOM!!
zack snyder
Nah this doesn't scream zack snyder let's combine two scenes , play a suspense score and build up to the hall exploding
larry fong
O_o you mean like dark knight when heath ledger went around whacking the participants of the money laudering case against eric roberts?
zack snyder
*sigh* yea
narrator
in the build up we see the somali nairomi lady get assassinated by callan mulvey she recognizes and could have totally avoidedconveniently luckily there are no cameras to catch the whole thing then we switch back to the court house
holly hunter
So henry this is how we approach things here on earth
henry cavill
you do know I grew up on earth right? I mean you totally heard micheal shannon announce it and all
holly hunter
Ok ok now what we are going to do here is..........wait is that pee? Gross who put pee on my table how did they sneak this past security so easily that's so gross where's jesse?
narrator
everyone suddenly goes silent and appear to be in deep thought
scoot mcnairy
Hmmm my wheel chair is getting hot
tao okamoto
Hmmm I just noticed I haven't said sh*t in this movie
henry cavill[b]
Wait are we out of milk at home
[b]narrator
then zack being a genius pumps life into the theatre with a nuclear bomb explosion which takes out the whole town hall
audience
Wait all that came from a guys wheel chair? This explosion actually looks like a jumbo fighter jet dropped it
zack snyder
Well I bet everyone here was successfully shocked
audience
Yea shocked that a kick-a*ss character like mercy graves was totally wasted do you read comics at all?
zack snyder
d*ck nuts
henry cavill
Ugh! Not another explosion this better not have wrecked my suit......oh wait I'm fine, it was nice chatting with y'all
survivors
Helppppppp mmmme
henry cavill
Oh right I still do those(helps out survivors)
fire fighter
You are a hero man
henry cavill
Awww thanks dude
news
Who did this?
fire fighter
Henry did it
henry cavill
why I outta.......
To be continued.....

chadwick boseman
Haha I bet everyone is excited to see my alter ego just a few seconds after declaring fukushu on sebastians a*ss
russo brothers
Yea its only a test run to see if you're cool so screw mystery cause it's overrated
sebastian stan
*rolling eyes* Are you a super soldier too?
chadwick boseman
Uh I'm not sure I mean they hardly say jack about me in this movie except that I can fight and jump really far I don't even think they mention my name black panther
lyndon b johnson
Black panther? Where?
chadwick boseman
Anyway I'm here to avenge my baba's murder that's why I brought no weapons and I am fist fighting and playing with you my prey cause I'm a panther get it?
audience
Ugh!
narrator
so they fight in their typical marvel choreographed fashion then chris joins but he's totally ignored because black panther kicks a*ss then a romanian army chopper gunship fires at them and probably kill a ton of occupants in the apartment beneath them
sebastian stan
Not that this isn't fun but I'm totally checking out
chad boswick
the hell you are(chases after sebastian)
narrator
then we are subjected to a silly foot chase scene where a grown a*ss dude with a tin foil wrapped arm is chased by grown a*ss dude running like an actual panther who in turn is chased by another grown a*ss dude wearing a costume and carrying a pot cover
sebastian stan
F*ck this I'm tired of running faster than cars I think I should go Grand Theft Auto and steal a bike
chadwick boseman
Sucker(slashes tyres cause you know.... he's faster than a bike remember?)
chris evans
This road is too neat and full of living people I'm an avenger must..... destroy..... Road
sebastian stan
Right on it buddie (blows bridge)
don cheadle
Alright stop the audience are obviously bored and since it's your movie you're under arrest chris and you too anthony
anthony mackie
Hey why do they keep roping me along during an arrest it's cause I'm black right?
narrator
then chadwick takes off his helmet in front of everyone even though he's a political figure and his arrest can further desecrate his fathers legacy
don cheadle
Yea you're his black side kick so go figure speaking of black welcome onboard the MCU express chadwick I wonder why you wore a helmet in the first place when you are just gonna take it off anyway

anthony mackie
hey how come he doesn't go to jail?
don cheadle
Cause this is the first black MCU character who doesn't suck donkey balls now get in the black maria
narrator
they haul chris and anthony to prison an office on the valley and totally ignore them cause they are boring
robert downey
Waddup chris! seriously that's my first response upon spotting the dude who betrayed the avengers and gave superheroes a bad name just so he can help his hydra buddie
chris evans
so there aint gonna be 'major consequences' like you barked at william on the phone?
robert downey
Nah buddie kick your feet relax grab a granola bar or something hey guys get my man here a shirt and jacket, jarvis cancel all security protocol and pray a boring as f*ck villain doesn't waltz in and burst sebastian out
emily vancamp
Need a massage?
chris evans
You're still here
emily vancamp
Yea I work for the CIA now despite my previous employment being at a hydra safe house
chris evans
No I mean you are still in this franchise despite being just as boring as maria hills character why?
russo brothers
Good question perhaps we need to find her a job(Looking under their chairs) when we find how she can be useful we'll let you know
narrator
daniel sneaks in
daniel bruhl
I've totally sneaked into the building[s]because I'm as boring as f*ck and no one notices me[/s] under the guise of a UN official and I've sneaked an EMP into the country under the guise of a water heater? Wait hol'up I know I'm bada*ss and all but how did I know sebastian will be in romania? and how did I know they will send a UN official to interrogate him? And how did I know they won't bother checking me out at the gate to make sure I'm the real deal? And how did I know where exactly they will imprison sebastian? And how did I know when they will capture sebastian?
russo brothers
Yea we thought about that too that's why we shall shove martin freeman as a pointless comic
Relief which fails to hit its mark carry on
narrator
meanwhile daniel has an accomplice deliver an EMP device to the power plant that controls all of romania's power supply because............coincidence
accomplice
Uh pizza delivery for electric company guys(avoids suspicion by running like hell)
electric company guy
An EMP quick turn it off or load it in the truck and drive it in a lake or(flips through script) oh my bad I mean *singing* stop and stare
narrator
the EMP goes off and hits the facility where sebastian is held
martin freeman
Quick turn on the reserve generators........wait we don't have those? sh*t hey where is chris and anthony? Aren't they prisoners anymore? WTF?
daniel bruhl
So tell me about your mission at the start of this movie
sebastian stan
No
daniel bruhl
*dramatically* sh*t stain, p*nis sandwich,dong ice cream,c*m mouthwash
sebastian stan
Ew alright what do you want?
daniel bruhl
Tell me about your mission in 1991 you do remember right?
sebastian stan
Of course I do it's only 20years ago and one of my dozen other missions it's only humanly possible for me to remember Just like how the audience remember the plot from captain america first avenger
chris evans
Aha! I've gotcha sucker why did you frame my friend?
daniel bruhl
Cause I wanna see the fall of an empire
chris evans
Holysh*t guys ultron is back
daniel bruhl
What? I'm not ultron i'm just a blander weaker MCU villain with a hybrid of ultron and lokis objective
chris evans
so in that case you have a cliched/silly objective, care to share or is it too early on in the movie?
daniel bruhl
Yea according to the laws of hollywood I can't disclose my plans till the end of the movie besides we've had just 2 action scenes in this movie we need at least 2 necessary action scenes, 2 filler action scenes, 1 useless action scene and the climax
sebastian stan
Speaking of useless action scenes, I just ripped off my restraints like a couple of bandaids (kicks the sh*t outta anthony and chris using MCUs signature bad editing)
martin freeman
Armed guards take out sebastian
narrator
a couple of mall cops show up withassault rifles whips and consequently gets their a*sses kicked then robert downey junior attacks withhis battle suit some electric wrist band(which somehow still works despite the EMP attack) so he also gets tossed like a rag doll then it gets hilarious when powerless emily vancamp takes a swing at sebastian and ends up being used as a coffee table hammer then things get kinky when scarlet tries to force sebastian into giving her head but fails, then it gets racist when they make chadwick fight , jump and chant like a monkey just cause he's from africa, finally it dawns on sebastian to use his super speed to escape
chris evans
What a coincidence I happen to be the only one who isn't passed out right now so I will stop sebastian
audience
Oh God not another crappy shaky cam fight scene like from winter soldier
russo brothers
Nah! We are all about laughs in this movie that's why chris shall be performing an unintentionally funny stunt chris take the floor
narrator
sebastian tries to escape with a chopper but chris foils him by holding down a 6000 pound chopper and supporting himself with a 100 pound railing? Which actually works rather than rip chris in half , after the audience have a good laugh the scene ends with chris saving sebastian from drowning which somehow is the antidote to sebastians trance
william hurt
Yell yell yell yell national security yell yell yell protocol yell yell yell
robert downey jr
don't worry we will get chris back
william hurt
Fine I'll send a bunch of police officers to surround them afterall it worked well the first time
robert downey jr
Nah that won't be necessary just send chris friends accompanied by other super civilians to wreck sh*t and keep insurance companies busy
william hurt
So in other words reinstate the avengers that we just signed an accord to indirectly disband?
robert downey jr
Disband?
william hurt
Yea cause y'all didn't sign the accord and the consequence for that is retirement I mentioned that earlier
russo brothers
O yea we will find a place to squeeze in information that robert and don actually signed the accord rather than just show y'all when they did it
To be continued....

william hurt
Well we've decided (after 8 years) that it's not right and so we are accord slapping your a*sses instead of you know........just asking y'all to retire and surrender your weapons or just killing you all to save us the headache
chris evans
Hmmm retire just like that? So we killed all those people and get away with a slap on the wrist?
william hurt
Accelerating a plot here people get your mind outta logic lane, just hurry up and pick sides before it begins to sink into the audience head
chris evans
Well you can't tell us what to do
robert downey jr
Well tough sh*t I just got grieve slapped by a black widow get it? Black widow?
audience
Ugh!
anthony mackie
I'm with chris because it's one black sidekick to a white lead
don cheadle
Then I'm with robert
scarlet johansson
I'm with robert but also with chris because women can't make up their minds in the MCU
elizabeth olsen
At least you're not forced to be on chris side and held by robert against your will to be uggled by a creepy robot....... Add that to murdering my parents and brother and you'll get a mystery as to why I haven't totally killed robert by now
chris evans
Hayleys dead oh sh*t my MILF I never got to score with her oh sh*t
emily vancamp
Its alright love
chris evans
You? Why are you in this movie?
emily vancamp
it was either me or maria hill
chris evans
As what?
emily vancamp
Your enabler
chris evans
Isn't that scarlet's job?
russo brothers
We haven't yet gotten a handle on your love life so I think we should just throw every female character into the franchise and see which sticks kinda like speed dating it will be fun
audience
More like gross and unnecessary
russo brothers
Let's skip to the next scene shall we
narrator
next we see gene farber a war criminal hiding out in a canadian outskirts sub urban america of all places
[b]daniel bruhl
Hey dude I crashed into your car you wanna let me in so we can talk?
gene farber
Ok one second let me just get my gun incase you aren't whom you say you are
daniel bruhl
Or maybe we could settle this with the police?
gene farber
Hmmm police that certainly makes you the real deal tell you what I'm not gonna pick up my gun and I definitely won't just ask you to leave since its my car and all, I will totally let you in
daniel bruhl
sucker(clubs farber on da head)
narrator
by the time farber comes to he's hanging upside down over a bathtub filling with water
gene farber
What do you want?
daniel bruhl
The fall of an empire
gene farber

daniel bruhl
*rolling eyes* I wanna kill the avengers
gene farber
Uh shouldn't you be meeting with samuel jackson for that? Or probably teaming up with me I mean they are the reason why I'm out of a job and sh*t
daniel bruhl
Oh look your red book is not tattered and torn after over 20 years why didn't you burn this sh*t?
gene farber
Yea I just kept that I mean you never know when you'll want a hydra super soldier to do your laundry or clean your house and sh*t, anyway if I helpe answered your questions right now this movie will be 15minutes total so I'm not helping you destroy the avengers and save my life wait that came out wrong
daniel bruhl
Very well I guess I'll go the over the top MCU route(murders farber bada*ssly)
narrator
scarlet is at a conference in vienna surprisingly not in handcuffs, she introduces herself to john kani and american chadwick boseman whose pretending to be african by being totally cliched
scarlet johansson
Rather than just casting regular african actors right?
russo brothers
We only cast indigenous dudes when we want to suck its countrys d*ck but africa is not really on our radar right now
chadwick boseman
Besides who can play this role better than me?
scarlet johansson
Uh chiwetel ejiofor,triple A,that razak azeez dude from doom, david oyelowo
chadwick boseman
Oh yea? well I happen to be here and you happen to be giving me f*ck me eyes and apparently I abandoned my security post........... hey wait a minute
narrator
boom! The conference is attacked in order to frame sebastian
audience
Hey dawn of justice called they said stop stealing their sh*t
chadwick boseman
Hmmm perhaps we should totally arrest and investigate the avengers as only they stand to gain from this
scarlet johansson
Uh this totally doctored and convenient camera footage shows that sebastian stan did it
chadwick boseman
And what would a hydra operative and enemy of the avengers gain from this? Its not like robert can't move sh*t around to make sebastian take the fall for all I know robert probably fired an invisible tank missile at this place
scarlet johansson
n*gga you are african act the part
chadwick boseman
Well in that case.......raaaagh sebstian killed my wierdly old a*ss father and I want............revenge
chris evans
Hmmm I feel I should be doing something since this is my movie what to do what to do
scarlet johansson
The cops are unto your friend whom we are not sure we can trust but help him resist arrest anyway?
chris evans
Oh thanks now how do I find him what to do what to do
emily vancamp
Lucky you have me, sebastian stan has been located "hiding" in the city of romanian capital bucharest and by hiding I mean not making any effort to change his appearance, renting a posh condo and waltzing about the market place during the day to buy fruits
chris evans
Yes in my movie am letting two chicks to spoon feed me instructions and information this should definitely make fans to root for me against robert
anthony mackie
If we are to visit your friend we must rely on stealth
chris evans
That's right buddie
narrator
chris meets with sebastian in sebastians porche apartment totally geared to the teeth to "avoid" suspicion
chris evans
How can you afford this on a fugitive salary?
sebastian stan
Hydra still pays me pension and sh*t what do you want
chris evans
There are romanian cops on their way to kill you so we took the first 2 minute flight from america to show up in your apartment and look concerned seriously I'm actually here to ask you to surrender and get killed

romanian cops
This is the romanian police we are here to kill you that's why we are announcing our arrival
sebastian stan
Winter soldier no dey carry last(hops out window)
chris evans
No sebastian you have to surrender to police(kicks romanian police in the head and a*ss)cause we are the good guys(kicks romanian police teeth in) if you run you'll look guilty(kicks romanina police in the nuts)


To be continued.........

kay9:
Dude you just had to spoof this one too, didnt you?

But i'll admit, the movie's premise and the opening scenes does require some suspension of common sense.

I couldn't help myself, make I no lie them try for civil war I'm rly impressed almost like they listened to my age of ultron complaints and its waaaaaaaaaaaaay better than BvS

narrator
the movie kicks off with the deleted avengers montage showing chris evans struggle to adjust to the modern world without his war buddies or hayley atwell who just kicked the bucket
russo brothers
Hmmmm that will certainly put people in chris evans shoes and understand why he does "certain things" in the movie.............that's why we shall cancel that
narrator
instead the russos opt for an unintentionally funny opening where sebastian stan is been brain washed in a hydra branch office
sebastian stan
Raaaaaaagh!
gene farber
Dude I bet you 20 bucks I can make you do anything
sebastian stan
Raaaagh!
gene farber
Alrightie(opens a red book) when I call the following words you shall become a soldier for hydra
sebastian stan
Seriously! I'm brainwashed by a book man that's bullsh*t Raaaaaaaagh

gene farber
Okay here I go: sh*t stain, p*nis sandwich,dong ice cream,c*m mouthwash
sebastian stan
Ok ok jesus what do you want?
gene farber
A certain superhero needs a tragic backstory
audience
Wait just like dawn of justice? Is there gonna be a Maaaaaaaaartha twist in this one too?
[B]russo brothers[/b]
What? Er No of course not(runs to go change script)
narrator
then we see the avengers 'suck-d*ck division' on another unsanctioned mission in los angelesLagos to defy the Laws of Nigeria Norm
elizabeth olsen
Hey look at me I'm drinking coffee at one of Nigeria's many coffee shops
scarlett johansson
And I'm wearing a leather jacket and leather boots when it is as hot as p*nis
During summer in Nigeria
chris evans
And I totally just slept in this room with no mosquito nets
anthony mackie
sh*t I'm standing at the top of one of Nigeria's many sky scrappers with my fully charged jetpack and mini drone despite Nigeria's epileptic power situation
Nigeria
And we totally have a disease research center that foreign terrorists are attacking..........wait what?
narrator
the avengers strike at the right moment when the bad guys have already trashed the gates, made passersby sh*t their pants and flat out murdered everyone
frank grimlo
MuaHahahaha go go gagdet hammer go go gadget knife man I'm invincible..........wait a minute? I'm an opening sequence baddie? Aw c'mon I'm more bad*ss than this I mean I killed captain america in the comics
And sh*t ugh!
chris evans
Sky dive kick b*tches
terrorist
That's weird did you totally just jump out of your hotel room or something?
chris evans
Shut up and get decapitated( kills a ton of dudes graphically)
anthony mackie
Pffft! That's nothing watch me point blank shoot this dude in the head(does so)
chris evans
elizabeth take out the knock out gas in the lab and launch it into the sky don't worry it's nigeria so no one cares about air pollution
elizabeth olsen
Or we could wait and ambush the terrorists when they get outta the building
scarlet johansson
Or we could just rig their suvs with explosives and wait for them to get in
anthony mackie
Or better still we could just send paul betany to handle everything I mean that's why robert created him right?
chris evans
and not get to risk innocent lives and property destruction? Screw that
scarlett johansson
Wait a minute I haven't kicked a*ss in this scene got to fix that, and remember to wait for your turn guys while I kick the sh*t outta your friends
terrorists
And we will also choose to hand combat you despite our tight schedule
scarlett johansson
Aw thanks sweety(tries to kick frank's teeth in)
frank grimlo
MuaHaha I'm another super soldier in a movie filled with super soldiers so
Your r*pe prevention gadgets don't work on me.........anyway instead of totally snapping your neck like a freaking fish stick, I shall go all james bond villain on you and toss you into this SUV with a grenade and two 'dumbass henchmen who don't know what a grenade is' for company(does so)
narrator
luckily for scarlett the russo brothers don't know what a grenade is or what an explosion looks like so scarlet walks away from an explosion without going deaf or freaking losing a limb and sh*t
frank grimlo
Hey chris you dropped a building on my face and now I want.........REVENGE
chris evans
O_o any reason why you are being dramatic and sh*t?
russo brothers
Oh we're just getting started there's more where that came from
narrator
chris makes frank his b*tch despite frank being a hybrid of superman and inspector gadget
frank grimlo
*singing* when I say sebastian you stand still oya sebastian
chris evans
What's this mortal kombat? Why should I stand still just because you are dressed as sub-zero and you called sebastians name?
frank grimlo
Sebastian
chris evans
*rolling eyes* ok I mean *gasp* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?!!! WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?!!! WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?!!!
frank grimlo
Oh good you are distracted [s]time to make a slip or shove a wrist buzz saw down your throat or something[/s] EAT GRENADE YOU QUERE!!!! Go go gadget hand grenade
elizabeth olsen
Not so fast frank(does whatever the f*ck she does which contains frank just at the right moment........ that is when the grenade already went off)
chris evans
Quick shove him in the ground
elizabeth olsen
No I've got a better idea(tosses frank into a building) oops
anthony mackie
I guess your "bad ideas" followed you from the last avengers huh?
chris evans
Oh sh*t Quick! we've gotta hide elizabeth from a Nigerian lynch mob........... wait you mean nigerians who lynch innocent people in suspicion of witch craft will totally sit out on lynching elizabeth right now? Man I call bullsh*t on this one

narrator
next we see robert downey jr [s]sending relief materials to sokovian refugees[/s] giving a talk to some undergrads brought to you courtesy of M.I. m*therfucking T
robert downey
My parents were murdered in a "make it look like an accident" assassination plot and because my head is full of saw dust I totally didn't investigate the finger prints around my mothers neck or my fathers punched in face or the totally robbed trunk of their car instead I built this implausible device which CGIs you to death to make you creepy younger.............now on a non related note, I'VE FUNDED YOUR SCHOOL PROJECTS
students
Jesus! you called us to the auditorium for this? Couldn't you like send a newsletter to our college accounts or sms our phones or something?
school lecturer
Hey robert I've got this idea you'll love
robert downey jr
Eat a d*ck nerd wow obviously I didn't learn my anything from iron man three whatever, I'll just hop into this unsecured elevator in this creepy hallway I just hope I don't come across an ironman hater right now or I'm toast
william sharpe
robert I've been waiting at this elevator for you this whole time cause I totally knew you would ditch everyone and take this particular elevator alone and without your iron suit
robert downey jr
Yea that's kinda st*pid but you're a black welfare queen so my paranoid senses are tingling like crazy
william sharpe
n*gga I'm no welfare queen I'm just a single parent and civil servant whose son was killed in sokovia leaving me with his college loans and sh*t oh wait I'm a welfare queen wow did tyler perry write this?
robert downey jr
Oh right! This is definitely the first troll I've seen since the avengers kicked off now I'm sad hence growing a conscience for the gazillionth time
william hurt
Luckily for you the world hates you guys so now will be the time to exercise your guilt and act like a d*ck

Hey guys so you know how you go round the world trashing things
killing people and leaving without cleaning up?
(Shows a montage of MCU movie climaxes for continuity sake)
chris evans
Wow who got all that footage from those dangerous positions? The Suicide squad? see? I made a modern culture joke oh right I'm not adjusting to modern culture anymore that's good carry on willie

To be continued....

narrator
next we see ben affleck trying to decrypt the file he stole from jesse then he starts tripping balls or having a thor-like vision but who knows? It's not like anyone bothers to explain anything in this movie
ben affleck
Um why am I wearing a trench coat in a Play station 3 desert?(A truck pulls in front of him)
weapons dealer
Hey dude wanna buy some black market guns?
ben affleck
Yea well on a normal basis I would have tossed a bat-grenade into this truck and totally broken your arm but it's a dream so it's ok to be a hypocrite
weapons dealer
Psyche! We're undercover cavill-cops and we are here to kill the resistance you are leading
ben affleck
Hmmm I guess I'm a total *diot in my dreams too alright where's my lightsabre?
weapons dealer
What?
ben affleck
I mean This totally looks like a set from star wars and since this a dream I guess I can use their props disney will be totally cool with it I promise
weapons dealer
Just so you know this is the home of darkseid after his death and deposition by henry whose gone bad for some reason and now you are leading a rebellion and we are.......
ben affleck
Totally stealing from starwars and the MCU I mean jesus we are totally teaming up to fight darkseid? Why not just call it the DC copycat universe
And why are there gigantic insects everywhere? Did I just snap a guys neck? And overdose another guy on bullets? Jesus how did this movie get PG rat.....(Is knocked out by insect) oh wait the insects work for henry too? But I just saw them carrying away henrys foot soldiers like a buffet, well it's a dream I guess any crap goes
narrator
next ben is still stuck in his dream asdart-vader henry arrives but doesn't have a breathing mask and weird ultronish voice modulator
henry cavill
Just in case the audience are confused about me being good or bad I shall laser-eye f*ck some of my lieutenants for no reason, now ben she was my world?
ben affleck
Who your mom?
henry cavill
*shrugs* I dunno It's not in the script
Any way you took her away from me.
ben affleck
did I kill her?
henry cavill
what part of ITS NOT IN THE SCRIPT are you not getting right now? Sh*t(proceeds to give ben a super hand job)
ben affleck
hey dude cut that out that tickles
(wakes up) holy f*ck a 3D movie
ezra miller
No you m*ron I'm stealing the thor vision scene from avengers 2, now make sure you save her she is the key(disappears)
ben affleck
Jesus christ! Couldn't you write your message on a paper and show it to me or perhaps take a deep breath and explain what the sh*t is going on? See Now I'm just gonna ignore your message and give jeremy sh*t for dropping LSD in my coffee or something,oh wait jesse's files have been decrypted and there's a picture of a lady who fairly resembles gal and could easily pass for her grand mom so why did she pull that stunt at jesses party?
jeremy irons
What's up sir?
ben affleck
So I just found the white portuguese which is totally a vessel
jeremy irons
no sh*t, anyway I just used my super powers of 'plot acceleration' to decipher that there's no dirty bomb on that ship
ben affleck
Like duh! Who would want to buy a dirty bomb in america when we've got like a tonne of them, callan is carrying a rock which is capable of weakening kryptonian cells, how I know this or how I know calvin is from a planet called krypton is not necessary so I'm gonna steal the rock and kill henry with it
jeremy irons
Because he trashed your building? I thought the terraforming did that?
ben affleck
Screw him he is a threat
jeremy irons
just because they say so on tv? never took you to be a sucker for media propaganda
ben affleck
*rolling eyes* ok fine it's in the title man we are supposed to fight now if you excuse me, I've got a date with callan at the gotham docks and how I know when exactly he will be there is also not necessary
narrator
scoot mcnairy is bailed from jail by jesse eisenberg
scoot mcnairy
Hey jesse why did you bail me out of jail?
jesse eisenberg
yea I bailed you from prison cleaned you up and got you charles xaviers vintage wheelchair Just because it's tuesday I'm so up to nothing(nose sprouts like pinnochio)
narrator
callan and his goons who just happen to be russian because racism never gets old in hollywood are at the docks
callan mulvey
Yea we've totally bribed the guards of the docks and we've sealed the rock in lexcorp crates and loaded them into lexcorp trucks to avoid suspicion
audience
So why exactly are you armed to the teeth with assault rifles and rocket launchers?
callan mulvey
*shrugs* I guess it's something bad guys do I mean I never go to the bathroom without carrying an AK-47 with me
ben affleck
Yea I showed up in my bat suit to place a tracker on a lexcorp truck rather than just tailing them with a bat drone or something
audience
Oh that's smart perhaps you can find out where they drop the kryptonite and you stealthily snatch it from them
ben affleck
nah! screw it *typical batman action scene 2; the car chase* hey how exactly did I sneak my bat mobile into the docks with all the security around?
Anyway........ yea take that for sneaking kryptonite into gotham(brutally smashes car killing everyone in it), f*ck my morality code(shoots the f*ck out of an suv killing everyone in it) and this is just for sh*ts and giggles(smashes the ships and trashes the property of innocent people) yea I live for this sh*t.... oh f*ck henry cavill is here I shall mow him with my awesome weaponized resilent epic bat mobile
narrator
henry crashes the car with his d*ck
callan mulvey
Thanks (escapes)
henry cavill
So I just saw a bunch of russian thugs shooting a sh*t ton of bullets and rockets at you and so I decided you should be stopped
ben affleck
What? That's bullsh*t man they were clearly attacking me first c'mon
henry cavill
*rolling eyes* Okay fine I'll let you off with a warning don't make me regret it
ben affleck
Hey wait! Whose gonna pay for the damage to my car? C'mon you wrecked it.......grrrrrr! I'm gonna find you and ki...... Oh sh*t wrong script I meant I'm gonna make you bleed

To be continued......

Tosinex:
hello bro where can I download the movie free... please help with link.

bros na wa for u o so you o dash them ya money small na, just kidding

I actually watched it on someones laptop so I don't rly know but I think if you google "batman v superman dawn of justice"(3gp or mp4) something should come up


@gebbson007 yea superman came back to life his heart beat made the dirt levitate or some sh*t, according to zack it's supposed to be a cliff hanger as if we beg am

narrator
next at the daily planet laurence fishburne is once again giving henry sh*t
laurence fishburne
SO............ I asked you to........... write about sports*flash and spectacle* and you do the batman *takes deep breath* story huh?

henry cavill
O_o dude chill out you just have about 11 lines in this movie I don't think anyone is here to watch an overweight black dude scream at superman
laurence fishburne
Oh yea? What if I do this(rips henry's article in two) this half is for my shoes and the other half is for my a*ss
henry cavill
[s]grrrr you wouldn't dare I hate working here I quit afterall I can always take this to a blogger or something[/s]
*shakes head like a teenage kid scolded by his high school's team coach*
laurence fishburne
You know what's weird?
henry cavill
you have absolutely diddly squat significance to this movie and perhaps this worthless five minutes could be invested in the characters that actually matter like say superman and batman?
laurence fishburne
wow dude innaprops..........
Anyway what I meant was you could always punch ben through a wall or something and end his "reign of terror" what do you need us for? Your motivation for fighting ben is even more senseless than ben's motivation to fight you
henry cavill
Jesus! why do you keep calling me superman?
laurence fishburne
Cause you make absolutely no effort to disguise your self properly, I'm surprised the police haven't done a line up for superman with you on it.
henry cavill
I'm telling you I'm not super..... oh hey so I've got to er take.... a.... sh*t I mean a call I mean take out the trash? Shoot I should come up with better excuses when dashing out for super hero biz........anyway BRB
laurence fishburne
Yea sure like no one will get suspiscious when they notice you aren't in the loo, note to superheroes when you wanna work do it after your regular job I'm looking your way flash and green arrow
narrator
so ben totally travels 3minutes interstate to metropolis and infiltrates jesses party as the philantrophic billionaire that was all over the papers for rescuing a ton of people during the famous man of steel climax, he does such an awesome job of being stealthy that he is spotted immediately he hops out of his car
henry cavill
Hmmm with all the hot glamourous and flashy socialites at this event I only chose to notice a crappily dressed brooding dude whose that?
waka pass
oh so you know about the batman but not ben affleck I see?
henry cavill
Well yea aint no crime
waka pass
And all your years in america living in gothams twin city I assume you've been living under a rock or something
henry cavill

waka pass
And I suppose you don't read the papers since he was almost made time man of the year when he rescued some of his workers while you trashed all of metropolis
henry cavill
why does everyone keep calling me superman?
waka pass
Oh we ain't supposed to know? it ain't our fault they never specified if your identity was secret in this movie ok?
narrator
so ben walks into the hall where jesse does cartoon character impersonations........ And oh gal gadot is here looking as suspicious as f*ck
ben affleck
Ugh! This party sucks balls time to use the gps in my head to find jesses server room and cram a sh*t ton of data into a flash drive under 30seconds *humming james bond theme*
jeremy irons
Ahem! Wrong franchise ben you're batman remember?
henry cavill
Wait what? I totally used my super hearing to find out that ben is batman and is obviously up to something......I'll get to that as soon as jesse finishes his sketch comedy it's so hilarious
narrator
ben shows his awesome ninja-like stealthiness by GETTING CAUGHT BY TAO OKAMOTO
tao okamoto
Er ben entrepreneur/jesses business rival affleck, what are you doing in jesses camera-less server room with confidential information for lexcorp?
audience
Oh my sh*t I just checked imdb and tao okamoto is playing mercy graves, luthor's bad a*ss hench woman I bet we will be getting some japanese martial arts stunts no wonder they got a jap to play her *gets a fanboy b*ner*
ben affleck
hey lady I like your shoes
tao okamoto
*blushing*Awwwwn thank you, take as much time as you like and steal as much as you want(leaves the room)
ben affleck
Yep that works everytime
audience
*lose fanboy b*ners*
narrator
ben is blocked by henry on his way back to the hall
henry cavill
[s]I totally know you are the batman so I wanna take you by the ear and drag you to a nearby police station then I'll proceed to write the exclusive of you being the batman and get a promotion probably[/s] hey ben let's talk about our citys superhero reps you know the way football fans argue whose team is better
ben affleck
Ok........... your hero sucks his suit is really ugly and makes him look totally gay
henry cavill
And your hero stuffs himself with all these gadgets just to battle street thugs
ben affleck
well your heros story in this movie was stolen from the superhero comedy flick hancock
henry cavill
*gasp* how dare you? Well your heros origin story of bats floating him out of a cave is totally aquaman sh*t
ben affleck

henry cavill

jesse eisenberg
Hey guys glad to see how you are getting along *snickering* bat sorry I mean ben meet super.......cavill I guess you two are getting to know....... each....... other if you know what I mean?
ben affleck
And what happened to your pretensious shakespeare theatrics?
jesse eisenberg
yea I got tired .........now I'm doing my character from rio oh by the way have you met gal god I mean gadot?
ben affleck
Oh that reminds me I've got to go take a leak in your server room jesse I'll brb
narrator
the movie gets more james bond as mystery girl gal gadot steals the flash drive she didn't see ben plant
ben affleck
Hey why are you stealing the info I stole from jesse?
gal gadot
Cause jesse has an embarassing selfie of me that I'm trying to destroy
ben affleck
O_o by stealing a copy from me?
gal gadot
Yea I don't really know that much about computers cause it's been encrypted and I couldn't open it
ben affleck
lady it's 2016 I doubt there is hardly a computer illiterate out ther....... Oh I forgot zack snyder hates women, I wonder what you were gonna do if you didn't get my flash drive? Would you have stolen his whole house or something
gal gadot
Well in all fairness I'm 10X stronger than any human and I've lived for 5 milleniums
ben affleck
Rrrrrrrrrr! So tell me do you bleed?
gal gadot
And that's how you hit on chicks? No wonder you're single and bitter
ben affleck
and that just cost you relevance to the plot now go wait for me at the movies finale I've got to rendevouz with callan in an action scene
narrator
then we see an interlude a scene where harry lennix sneaks to meet with amy adams
audience
Cool an irrelevant scene I guess I can hit the restroom now
harry lennix
really classy guys anyway so amy I just examined the bullets fragments and surprise surprise it's from lexcorp.........now take your bullet fragment back and f*ck yourself with it
amy adams
Wait aren't you going to at least produce this as evidence that perhaps henry didn't commit the mass murder?
harry lennix
Hell no, you know how hard it was for a black dude to be secretary ain't gonna ruin it by getting to bottom of this now if you excuse me I've got to go rehearse for my next scene which sees me sitting on my hands and being a totally incompetent secretary of defence, a quality that keeps you in the job bye
amy adams
Ugh!
narrator
next we are shown a montage of cavill saving a little girl from a fire in mexico and then looking all sexy about it while the mexicans worship him like a god?(Racist DC), then we see him working out with a NASA rocket, then we see him working out again by dragging a vessel across ice then we see him taking his sweet time to inspect his 'S' distress logo on a flood victims roof top all in sloooooooooooow mooooooooo
audience
Jesus! Hey zack you wanna lay off the pain and sorrow surrounding this movie damn! It's even more depressing than watchmen
suicide squad
Gulp!
henry cavill
Yea so I just saved a bunch of a*sses I bet the world loves me now
World
Reverse time back to pre man of steel and you've got yourself a deal
henry cavill
mommy
diane lane
Awww baby you aren't a bad guy
henry cavill
But they say I'm a jerk and I've no regard for property damage and I break the rules
diane lane
Those aren't true my love they are just hating on you cause you are fly (nose sprouts like pinnochio)
audience
Hey how come that fat dude from that ihop hasn't totally come out to tell the world supermans real identity?
zack snyder
Nah he won't do that he's a man of honor I mean it's part of the bully code
To be continued.......

narrator
holly hunter visits jesse eisenberg again
jesse eisenberg
Why does thou giveth me thy f*ck me eyes does thou not knoweth that thou is being creepy especially as thou be old enough to be my mother?
holly hunter
Ew I'm not flirting with you I'm just trying to look sexy and empowered or isn't that how U.S female Politicians act? I'm looking your way sarah palin
jesse eisenberg
er ew! Have ye looked in a mirror lately?
holly hunter
*gasp* why you little........ That's it I'm rejecting your import license now I shall make a gross analogy about piss and tea then I shall bid you farewell jerk!(Walks away)
holly's assistant
Ahem! I can give you access to the kryptonian spacecraft and micheal shannons body
jesse eisenberg
Er should all that not be in thy military possession in thy area 51 or something? I mean it's not something ye junior senators will haveth access to , for a movie which takes thy self seriously it is astonishly how highly unrealistic it is
holly's assistant
I will get you all you need and provide you with free workspace to f*ck around with the corpse of an alien who almost killed us all but on one condition
jesse eisenberg
Which is?
holly's assistant
Awkwardly feed me a candy and you've got yourself a deal
narrator
meanwhile lois meets with harry lennix from man of steel
harry lennix
Hello amy (who I owe my promotion to) what can I do for you besides be a total b*tch and waste your time?
amy adams
Is the american military supplying somalinairomi terrorists with arms?
harry lennix
hehehe no we are not but we believe cavill is their sponsor and supplies them with lex corp arms and ammunition cause we have feathers for brains you see......... Now go make yourself useful and jump off a building so cavill can save you and give the audience a little action scene
amy adams
Ok why don't you analyze this bullet for me it came from that raid in somalianairomi
harry lennix
Okay fine I shall investigate and get to the bottom of this case that no one gives a crap about
narrator
next we see scoot mcnairy who is now confined to a wheel chair and mad at a henry cavill statue
scoot mcnairy
Grrrr! I'm in a wheel chair and I hate henry and I want to get back at him so I shall............DEFACE A HENRY CAVILL'S STATUE MUAHAHAHAHA! Of course I'm a m*ron so I'll totally do it in the full glare of the laziest policemen in america
lazy policemen
Dude put down that spray can
scoot mcnairy
Hey calm down let me just spray 'false god' and the superman logo then I'll get down
lazy policemen
Ok hurry up you've got 60minutes
narrator
next we see ben affleck in an underground fight club spying on callan
ben affleck
Yep it's me famous billionaire and philantrophist ben affleck out here in this obviously illegal gambling joint making eye contact with a paranoid mercenary who just went on a mass murder spree that's certainly a good idea, hey callan!
calvin mulley
What?
ben affleck
So here's the thing I know you are a mercenary and you are doing jesse eisenbergs bidding so how about we go out back and I smash your hands with a hammer and you reveal to me what you're helping him with
calvin mulley
Well if we do that, it will make us an action scene short so just clone my phone by placing your phone on the table next to my phone even though you don't know my number or even if I brought a phone with me........ what makes you think it's my phone you are cloning and not the bartenders or someone else in the room? And how come cloning a phone takes seconds especially when there are a bunch of stuff on it?
ben affleck
Dude shut up I cloned your phone okay? Now go wait in the next action scene jeez!
narrator
then ben heads back to the bat cave
ben affleck
Hi lucious..... I mean alfred I mean who are you playing again?
jeremy irons
Er alfred? your burtler?
ben affleck
My point exactly. don't you ever get to do anything interesting in this movie apart from sit around the computer and yan ballz to me all day........oh by the way here's your coffee? Really? I'm bringing alfred coffee?
jeremy irons
So I totally saw a chat between jesse eisenberg and callan about a white portuguese it sounds like a thing or a place I'm guessing you could ask google
ben affleck
Oh it's definitely a dude cause I'm that much of a racist and a bad detective
jeremy irons
*rolling eyes* alright fine how about you go [s]abduct jesse eisenberg and drug/interrogate him into telling you who the white portugese is[/s] spy on jesse eisenberg as it turns out he invited you to a 'spy on my house' dinner part so I shall begin booking your flight
ben affleck
Nah in this movie metropolis is just a few feet away from gotham I can even spit that far
DC nerds
what da f*ck
ben affleck
Oh yea james bond I mean ben affleck out

To be continued......

awwww! Kiddie!!!
The N5 small size tasted like concrete but the N10 large size was a lot softer especially when you mix it up with condensed milk, thank God for my life say jedi jedi no kill me when I small

shockwave91:
LMAO!! Only d 1st line got me cracking up. U just know this. is. gonna. be. GOOD.
Take it away severee!!


Still haven't seen this one

You haven't seen it? Lucky you the movie is a nightmare

Imagine zack snyder that directed dawn of the dead and 300 and even watchmen david s goyer that wrote the dark knight and two of the most iconic superheroes in the world fighting each other, how they messed this up continues to be a mystery

narrator
next we see holly hunter a US senator on the balls bursting committee called "the henry cavill balls bursting committee" meet with jesse eisenberg whose playing...........
jesse eisenberg
Lex f*cking luthor babe, we are just trying to keep up with the DC tradition of picking the wrong people for the wrong parts you know.......... halleberry as catwoman,arnold swarchzenegger as mr freeze ,george clooney as batman hell they almost casted one of the wayan bros as robin and nicholas cage as superman one time pfffft! DC amirite? ............I can sense your disappointment already but don't worry I shall not let you down *disney cartoon villain + pretensious shakespeare mode activated* thou art welcome to thy villain fortress of thy movie, gods falleth from heaven and demons falleth from thy skies as well
zack snyder
Yea people........ feel the depth and art of this movie
audience
Zzzzzzzzzz!
holly hunter
So you called me to your home this better be good
jesse eisenberg
I've have noticed that thou hateth thy henry cavill and feareth for thy safety of earth so through plot holes of thy hollywood I've foundeth that kryptonite be thy cavills weakness and can be used as a deterrent for he and thy meta human clan out there and all I need is ye permission to importeth thy kryptonite which hath magically appeared in india because..........plot holes
holly hunter
*long sigh*

1. Shouldn't you be submitting your research to the government for oversight especially as it concerns national freaking security and
2. Couldn't you tell me all these over the phone?
jesse eisenberg
Hmmmm *flips through shakespeare novel* ahem! Doubt that the sun doth move, doubt truth to be a liar, but never doubt I love............... And scene
audience
I'm sooooooo getting a refund
zack snyder
*clapping* oh God this is definitely what comic book movie fans have been asking for; cartoonish dudes with a bad wig that quotes shakespeare
narrator
next we are introduced to ben afflecks version of the batman
ben affleck
hi guys remember how christopher nolan was ashamed of batman comics and decided to change EVERYTHING about it, even his freaking name? Well we are defying bat traditions again simply out of laziness
- Apparently now I'm no longer squimish about guns anymore infact all my gadgets look like guns and my car shoots people
- I don't kill people but I skillfully outsource the killing of criminals to violent prisoners I call it the bat branding pretty cool huh?

- I still suck at being the worlds greatest detective
- and oh now I see visions apparently who would have thought?
so now that I've run that by you people let's do the usual batman scenes that we see in every batman movie,usual scene one;I scare the sh*t outta policemen and make them talk about me like they are talking about an urban legend or something(tricks a policeman into almost blowing his partners head off). damn it! That would have made my night
jeremy irons
Hey master ben so I borrowed a metal suit from tony stark and I'm mending it into a bat exo-skeleton you know...... just incase you battle a powerful alien at the end of this movie and I've also worked on your voice modulator so you don't sound awful like christian bales batman I don't get it what's all the hype with batmans voice? Can't her just speak normally?
ben affleck
isn't that the luscious job?
jeremy irons
Yep?
ben affleck
And I just looked up imdb and it says you are playing alfred whose is supposed to be fixing me some dinner, holy sh*t I'm as hungry as a motherf*cker right now.........anyway I visited a prostitute warehouse and questioned a dude who works for callan mulvey aka the kgbeast and he laughed his head off cause he didn't know KGBeast was in this movie till he looked it up on wikkipedia so I got pissed branded him out of annoyance
jeremy irons
yea I guess in an overcrammed ambitious movie like this callan is just gonna be another unnamed thug just like dead shot in dark knight rises....... And come to think of it isn't he a gun for hire?
ben affleck
Yea? And he is sneaking a dirty bomb into gotham(nose sprouts like pinnochio)
jeremy iron
Well why don't you buy the dirty bomb from him and save yourself the trouble or notify CTU so they can interrogate his a*ss or beef up security at the docks or something problem solved
ben affleck
f*ck you man we need to stretch this mystery over 2hours and 30minutes okay? Now if you excuse me I have to totally turn this movie into a james bond flick
narrator
back in metropolis amy adams is taking a bath while thinking about the lives lost in nairomi(man just say somalia)
henry cavill
Hey why the frowny face my love?
amy adams
They said you killed those people in africa
henry cavill
Babe I don't give a f*ck about what happened in metropolis or nairomi(man just say somalia) I don't give a f*ck about the widows I've created or about the billions of dollars in property damage all I care about is shoving my man of steel up in your lois lane
amy adams
oh sex! yep that's definitely how to help someone who had a traumatic experience
zack snyder
Ok so we have to give amy adams something to do even though it leads to nothing in the movie.........oh I know why don't you go investigate the bullet in your diary that's definitely something the audience want to see
narrator
at the daily planet henry cavill an intern without university education has suddenly being bumped up to news column writer even though he sucks at his job and is hardly at the office
laurence fishburn
hey henry you are terrible at your job
henry cavill
Look at whose talking, you just allowed an unguarded amy adams (who almost died a few scenes ago) to go interrogate the US army about supplying weapons and ammunition to african terrorists
laurence fishburn
Well if you don't have a bunch of assassins hunting your a*ss or a gang of lawyers suing you for libel or whatever then you ain't doing it right, so what's your excuse why are you writing about ben whose in gotham?
henry cavill
Because he is dangerous?
laurence fishburn
Only to criminals
henry cavill
But he's trampling on the rights of the citizens
laurence fishburn
Well when you choose the life of crime, you actually lose your rights and privileges don't you agree?
henry cavill
And people are living in fear
laurence fishburn
Yea I suppose that's why they shine the bat signal in the sky besides no one lives in gotham as you've seen so far
henry cavill
Yea seriously, extras department what's the deal with empty gotham?
I hope this isn't because an epic fight is gonna take place there and they don't want audience b*tching about endagering peoples lives and sh*t
laurence fishburn
You know what's weird though? you're superman you can hear all the distress of the world and resolve them all at the same time within the fraction of a second without even breaking a sweat
Which kills two birds with a stone, 1 being that you get the front seat view to a ton of stories and 2 being that it may change the worlds opinion about you so why chase ben?
henry cavill
Er Super who now?
laurence fishburn
Wait I'm supposed to not know you are superman simply because of your geeky glasses and nothing else? for godsakes dude you are both the same height, same build,same hair and eye color and you both make out with amy adams
henry cavill
O_o I have no idea what you are talking about I'm just a small town boy from smallville and that's why I sound like a brit faking an american accent and nothing like the farm boy I claim to be(nose sprouts like pinnochio)
laurence fishburn
Anyway stop with the ben affleck stories from now on you cover sports that's why you shall attend a non sports function hosted by non sports person jesse eisenberg that surprise surprise has ben affleck in it see ya!

To be continued......

@armadeo @elcount
My brodas na so we see am o DC don do am again,marvel will be laffing their heads off by now at least it's better than green lantern sha
As for wonder woman well her appearance seemed forced and she had little to no impact on the story, the only good thing about this movie is the cinematography and the scores everything else......... 0

DC executives
marvel is totally sh*tting on DC comics with their cinematic universe idea which they had in the oven for over 4 years so we shall compete with our own extensive universe(no kidding we are calling it the DC extensive universe) which is barely a minute old
DC president
Hmmmmm I see this is a st*pid brilliant idea and will never ever come around to bite us in the a*ss especially when tons of characters in our "extensive universe" have tv shows or at least have appeared in some and are played by like 8 differenet actors who look nothing alike, so what buns do we have in the oven?
DC executives
Well we have superman v batman series, the alternate universe series,the villain wars series justice league and the suicide squad
DC president
*snaps out of sleep* wow even hearing that alone makes me bored but lucky for you I wanna make a billion dollars so f*cking bad so you've got the green light our secret weapon to make our movies more superior will be a black comedy theme,[s]snatch half of MCUs staff to throw marvel off their game[/s], MONEY and RUSHED EDITING, marvel will not know what hit them
narrator
A movie called Batman V superman starts with a few seconds of violent clubbering between batman and superman(duh) before it backdates to how their feud began
zack snyder
psyche! I'm gonna kick off this movie with an origin story of how bruce waynes parents were murdered and how he became the batman
audience
Ugh! We've seen that a billion times already
zack snyder
no but you haven't seen it this way before
narrator
jeffrey morgan and lauren cohen are shot right in front of young bruce waynes eyes in slooooooooooooow mooooooooooooo then ben affleck is playing narrator but falls asleep and forgets about it, then we see young peter quill young bruce wayne after the death of his parents racing about the hospital cemetary then he is zapped into a space craftfalls into a hole filled with space pirates bats which turns him into the...........starlord Batman
[b]zack snyder
So........... What do y'all think?
audience
Zzzzzzzzzzzz!
zack snyder
Prick
narrator
next we see ben affleck in a tv commercial for jeep suvs
ben affleck
Wait what? No this isn't an ad for suvs this is the climax of man of steel from my perspective(calls an old dude who we don't know)
old dude we don't know
Hey ben so I was thinking can we like leave work early on account of metropolis being invaded by freaking aliens
ben affleck
Yea sure, this is a way better excuse than what you gave last time
old dude we don't know
Alright everyone rather waiting for firefighters or national guards to take us to safety, let's run around like crazy people and get crushed just because ben says it's ok, as for me I'll dramatically say a last prayer before I di......(Gets dubstepped to death)
audience
All outta f*cks to give dude I'm sorry
narrator
meanwhile ben is going all danger dash on us when his office building collapses and totally sprays dust everywhere except on ben affleck cos he's too sexy for that, he spots one of his workers
scoot mcnairy
Wait a minute how did I get here? Did I fall out of the building? Or did a wall just conveniently fall on my legs during a freaking skyscrapper collapse? Oh shit now I can't move my crushed legs which don't have blood on them for some reason Oh! Ben I bet henry did this to me because of that st*pid sex offenders list I told you I DIDN'T R*PE ROSAMUND PIKE back me up on that ben
ben affleck
Uh dude you know this is not gone girl right?
scoot mcnairy
Wait so you mean henry threw a wall on my legs for no reason? Oh f*ck I hate that dude I hate him so much
ben affleck
Oh shut up you whiny little sh*t or I ma call liam neeson on your a*ss again
scoot mcnairy
Right that movie did happen, damn I'm playing the same whiny geeky character again what's with hollywood giving me this sh*tty roles man my agent is so fired hey ben ben where you going?
narrator
ben saves a little girl from becoming picasso on cement art
ben affleck
Wohoo! I saved someone......... oh wait maybe I shoulda asked if she still has parents to know if the save is worth it
little girl
Or maybe you shoulda dressed up in your bat costume and bring along a batman rescue people mobile work more efficiently
ben affleck
Hmmmm food for thought
little girl
And maybe you should test to see if I'm some freakish alien or mutant cos I just survived a skyscrapper collapse
without a scratch or going deaf
ben affleck
Na that's comic book logic that doesn't count
little girl
And maybe you shoulda prepared for this invasion especially since a UFO was found somewhere in alaska for Godsake micheal shannon gave the world 24 hours before flipping out on us it's so weird you existed in this universe when this sh*t went down but you totally sat on your hands and shouldn't you be rescuing other people?
ben affleck
alright lil lady I think you need a hug.........yay! Front row seat to watch henry beat the snot outta micheal shannon gosh I knew I should have brought some pop corn
henry cavill
oh pardon me metropolis nothing to see here just pounding the snot outta gen micheal here(crashes into another building)
insurance companies
Hey c'mon dude not cool
donald trump
Wohooo! Y'all should attack buildings more often
david s goyer
So from here
-henry is arrested and imprisoned by the A.R.G.U.S
- the teraforming causes radiation which increases the metropolis attacks casualty rate one of whom is jason todd or terry mcginnis whose dear to bruce which sends bruce over the edge
- A.R.G.U.S studies on kryptonian technology inadvertently releases braniac who hacks their systems and finds a way to communicate with henry in prison
- braniac turns henry against earth to save his race
- ben affleck goes darker and does the unexpected by teaming up with lex to destroy henry
- at the climax it all falls apart henry is "killed" by a severly injured ben whose too weak to escape police enroute
- and A.R.G.U.S discovers bread crumbs leading to atlantis just before the screen goes black
zack snyder
Hmmm good idea definitely different from the others
david s goyer
Yea I guess I put a lot of thought into it
zack snyder
you did WHAT!!! How many times do I have to tell you the number one rule of hollywood
david s goyer
*sigh* be lazy and prosper
zack snyder
Exactly now do it all over again but this time hire the 5 year old kid that writes power ranger scripts to help you out moneys not a problem
david s goyer
Very well sir
narrator
so........the movie throws it's goodwill in the trash and forgets all about the 'henry owning up to the destruction of metropolis' story, it's been 18 months and somehwere in nairomi africa(man just say somalia) daily planet reporter amy adams is [s]trying to the relevant in an overcrammed movie[/s] interviewing an african warlord for her news story called Africa and how Hollywood sh*ts on it
amy adams
Okay first question, why are there heavily armed mercenaries surrounding you?do you need such expertise to terrorize defenseless villagers?

african terrorist
Perhaps I should look into that but I'm way too excited Yay! I love superman comics and my favourite characters are lois lane and her clumsy intern/photographer jimmy olsen
micheal cassidy
Well this jimmy olsen happens to be a gritty CIA agent who sneaked in a tracking device in my camera yea fool proof plan
african terrorist
Wow really? YOU'VE RUINED MY CHILDHOOD!!! (Shoots jimmy in the face)
callan mulvey
The moment we've all be waiting for after all these years of pretending to be friends with you guys has come now let's carelessly kill our customers in iron man 1 style
terrorists
What why?
callan mulvey
So we can terrorize the villagers
terrorists
Can't y'all just stroll over there and murder a f*ckton of people? We won't mind
callan mulvey
Well we also need to frame henry and make it look like he killed those people
To make him look bad so the world hates him and then lex luthor can kill him

terrorists
Why not just skip to killing henry I mean it's not like you need the worlds permission before you do that
callan mulvey
You know what? Shut up(murders everyone and leads a raid on a nearby village)
zack snyder
and to make sure the audience feel the carnage and sorrow, we shall show absolutely non of the raid so the audience are confused for half the movie
narrator
meanwhile, amy is in a hut with african terrorist whose keeping her alive for no reason
amy adams
So........ Do you still wanna continue the interview?
african terrorist
F*ck no b*tch
amy adams
Oh God you're gonna r*pe me aren't you? oh please don't r*pe me....... hmmm maybe it was a bad idea to send a pretty red head to interview a savage and unpredictable terrorist note to aljazeera's sexy arab journalists
african terrorist
er I don't wanna r*pe you either since you're henry's girlfriend and I suppose he will be hitting that so I don't think I'm gonna like what I see down there I'm surprised you can still walk straight
amy adams
So what's going on?
african terrorist
I don't know I guess this what bad guys do right?Oh sh*t did I just say henry is your boyfriend?
henry cavill
(Crashes through roof) I don show
african terrorist
Hey how did you find me?
henry cavill
I heard amys cry over a thousand miles away
african terrorist
And you didn't hear me terrorize the villages in this country or shoot micheal cassidy in the freaking face? Real classy henry I guess the world is right to hate you
henry cavill
Come to think of it how does this my hearing thing work? Since i basically hear the whole world don't I get headaches or something? How do I even think straight?
amy adams
Hey ladies out there what do you do when you have an all powerful and yet violent boyfriend? You encourage him to be more violent so that one day he gets outta control and tosses you from a f*cking window watch and learn hey babe I want you to kill african terrorist while I watch *licks lips*
henry cavill
Oh sh*t I got a b*ner(takes african terrorist dude to another continent with his d*ck)
amy adams
Oh you bad bad boy *sizzles* oh wait my colleague just died have to look sad and shocked but NOT take a leave of absence from work.........ugh henry is such a jerk how do I get home now?
To be continued.........

narrator
lea and daniels severly underdeveloped "love" blows christoph and his henchmen away and frees daniel because somehow chair straps respond to computers daniel and lea then engage in a weird gunfight that wavered from shooting spectre baddies for a second and eye-f*cking each other for another couple of seconds , then suddenly for inexplicable reasons the whole facility blows to sh*t
daniel craig
How is this big-a*ss explosion not making us deaf right now?
lea seydoux
I'm more concerned about how we will make it back to england
daniel craig
No problem we shall totally GTA this helicopter conveniently placed behind us with a full gas tank, it's keys left in the ignition and a magic map that will tell us how to get back to england
narrator
with faith trust and pixie dust daniel and lea make it back to london anyway
Daniel craig
Hey ralph
ralph fiennes
you son of a b*tch why i oughta (grabs daniel by the throat) PSYCHE! Waddup daniel? got something for me?
daniel craig
Sure! andrew is a bad guy and christoph waltz is dead
ralph fiennes
And i should believe this because........................
daniel craig
When i blew up those building blocks in mexico and..........
ralph fiennes
so you did blow up those buildings you turd
Daniel craig
Dude do you want an excuse to kick andrews a*ss or not
ralph fiennes
Fine let's all hop into the mystery machine and solve this riddle daniel you coming?
daniel craig
Sure, hey lea where are you going?
lea seydoux
Er I just thought about it and I don't think I love you that much so I'm leaving you......now i shall walk into this lonely dark alley all by myself
daniel craig
Er shouldn't you wait till we are done with spectre to talk about this? C'mon do you even know your way around london? You know what? Fine! go, you are just gonna get kidnapped again anyway(walks away)
narrator
in the "empty" streets of london daniel and ralph cruise to kick andrews a*ss when their car gets f*cked up by spectre baddies immediately killing ralph fiennes and giving daniel a violent concussion........PSYCHE! They are both fine because it's a bond movie, anyway daniel is taken away while no one sees a 50 year old ralph fiennes slip through the scene because he is that sleek
ralph fiennes
Oh they took away daniel.........*shrugs* oh well more andrew a*ss for me to kick
narrator
daniel is driven to the old MI6 building which looks like an antic from the 60s and not a building that was evacuated 4years ago, daniel over powers spectre baddies by sneezing on them and walks into the building to find it has been made into a bond taunting funfair
audience
Hey sam joker from batman called he said STOP STEALING HIS SH*T
daniel craig
Hmmm maybe i shoulda waited to see what i was up against before overpowering those guys I guess I should be very stealthy from now on....... SON OF A B*TCH! christoph waltz is alive?(empties a whole clip at a christoph waltz whose standing behind bullet proof glass)
christoph waltz
Hi, i spent all day putting up bullet proof glasses and posters of past villains because........
audience
*rolling eyes* all craig movies are related we get it
christoph waltz
i also rigged this building to explode making this the third grand explosion in this movie because I'm evil you see?
daniel craig
Wow i'm more concerned with how you walked away from that other blast with just a crappy scar you were supposed to be blown to sh*t man!..........wait did you just say you rigged the building to BLOW?!
christoph waltz
Yea and i shoved lea in M's office so you'll spend all 3 minutes looking for her
daniel craig
Lea's here?Wow all it took was less than 5seconds to get recaptured ugh! What a b*tch
christoph waltz
Well now that i've trapped you in the building i shall now fly away as easily as i flew in despite being known to MI6 as a terrorist goodbye mr.craig
narrator
meanwhile ralph boringly confronts andrew
ralph fiennes
M doesn't really mind you earning a little money on the side...... Oops wrong script but wait aren't we repeating the opening scene from casino royale?
andrew scott
No we aren't
ralph fiennes
It's night, the buildings all dark you are a high ranking british intelligence officer
andrew scott
Still don't see any similarity........ ha! i shall shoot you with an.......
ralph fiennes
Empty gun? Just like casino royale i'm even gonna flash your catridge at you and stuff
andrew scott
Oh my gosh this is totally casino royale that's why i shall spice things up by fighting like a little girl
ralph fiennes
And i shall fight like a grandpa
narrator
the dance of shame goes on for not too long before andrew falls off a building and dies like a disney cartoon character
audience
Hey winter soldier called they said STOP STEALING THEIR SH*T
narrator
meanwhile, daniel uses the GPS in his P*nis to find where Lea is stashed
daniel craig
Hey lea i'm glad you are alright now we shall jump a billion feet
lea seydoux
To our deaths?
daniel craig
Oh don't be silly we'll totally survive it i learnt this from skyfall(jumps a billion feet and lands on a motor boat.......... don't ask) hey isn't that christoph's chopper?
christoph waltz
Lalalalalalalalala escaping in my chopper no worries in the world
daniel craig
B*tch please!(shoots chopper down with a hand gun because laws of physics is also forbidden in bond universe )
sam mendes
Just thought i go biblical and throw an ode to david and goliath you know what i'm saying?
narrator
christoph's chopper crashes but he doesn't die for "opportunity to return" reasons, daniel hops outta his motor boat and walks towards christoph
christoph waltz
Oh thank God, please daniel shoot me i don't wanna be in another cheesy bond flick please
sam mendes
Cheesy? But kingsmen said they liked bond movies this way
mathew vaughn
Haha suckers(goes along to make a gritty as f*ck movie)
daniel craig
I would love to shoot you right now but I've got a tonne of cops who will witness me kill an unarmed dude so sorry can't help
ralph fiennes
Hey christoph on behalf of her majestys secret service i shall now hook you up to a life time supply of prison r*pe b*tch
christoph waltz
O_o how exactly are you gonna do that? You have no evidence that I'm evil and your only witnesses are an alchoholic insurbudonate MI6 agent who murdered a ton mexicans in a terror attack and a well respected british intelligence officer you carelessly killed
ralph fiennes
alright fine I'll give you a lift home but no more evil spectre stuff you promise?
christoph waltz
Yea yea I promise(nose sprouts like pinnochios)

End
audience
Thank you God
naomi harris
Oh sh*t wait stop i forgot the evil satellite is about to launch we are going to be spied on and andrew is the only guy who knows how to turn it off
audience
Oh God WHyyyyyyyyyy?
ben whishaw
Pfft! I've got this i shall miraculously shut it down with my laptop i woulda used my phone but my battery is dead
(Shuts down the "non-threatening" threat)
daniel craig
Hey lea
lea seydoux
I love you again because *singing* I change my mind like a girl changes clothes

daniel craig
One more thing.......ben have you fixed my car despite not having time due to following me about this movie?
ben whishaw
Yea here it is
daniel craig
Riding unto the sunset b*tches till lea gets murdered and I swear revenge against spectre(sh*ts all over the set and wipes a*ss with his james bond movie contract)
End for real