₦airaland Forum

Jakumo: As an ordained minister with Our Lady of Divine Debauchery Celestial Church, I can help you out with a few tips, but it will cost you serious money, thank you Jeeesus.

To whet your appetite for more details, I will for now list but a few of the pre-requisites you will need to become a Man of the Cloth, Nigeria-style.

1. You must feel completely at ease claiming ALL the monthly salaries of even the most destitute members of your congregation, under the pretext of saving their souls. In the same vein, you must be prepared to threaten God's most severe punishments for those reluctant to pay up. Those Holy Sanctions may include the vigorous public floggings of tightwads, administered by church orderlies acting under your instructions as relayed from God, while the wives of less serious offenders might be punitively boned per plea-bargin compromises. Shout Hallelujah with me now, please.

2. You must be prepared to hold private midnight prayer sessions and VIGILS for married female members of your congregation who seek your spiritual help to get pregnant, during which you will be expected to impale their Mounds of Venus with your throbbing Holy Septer, so as to get them knocked up in the name of Jeeesus, amen. Thank you Lord.

3. Un-married female church members of between 18 and 23 years old must be taken regularly for Holy Bathing, Baptisms, Silken Thighs and Wonders beside the nearest river you can find. The wenches will of course be required to strip down to their birthday suits, enabling you to administer the Laying on of Hands and Anointing of Golden Globes, all the while Speaking in Tongues between the luscious thighs of those bathing girls, in order that their sinful souls be saved in righteous glory, even as you get your rocks off in the name of the Holy Ghost.

4. You must live LARGE, as you grab more wealth from your congregation, by acquiring the latest S-Class Mercedes available, living in the most expensive neigborhoods worldwide, and ultimately purchasing a private jet, which is absolutely necessary for those personal appointments with Jeeeesus in heaven.


5. Most importantly of all, you must be prompt and loud, in accusing of blasphemy ALL who question your lifestyle, thus foolishly earning themselves eligibility for Divine Retribution, normally prompted by making payments to hit-men detailed to liquidate enemies of God in a hail of Holy Spirit gunfire. Let there be light, that they might knowest thine wrath, Oh Lord.

For the above nuggets of privileged information, I expect a check for $1,000 USD to be sent to me right away. Praise the Lord !

SimonAndal: Alright guys this is serious. I mean it don't take it lightly. I'm not kidding, seriously.
_
So I had a dream last night. A spiritual (really hot) bloke told me he's my spiritual husband, and wanted to get it on with me. As he was trying to force himself on me, his spiritual boyfriend saw him and accused him of infidelity, and they began exchanging blows (not the job). What does that mean? Seriously, I'm confused. I'm literally right now.

Calradised: @ lonamy

it is true, as you said, you are not a public figure, so you can choose to say anything at any time
have you considered how many times tb joshua has put his reputation, ministry, integrity on the line by saying these things, live publicly for everyone to hear? he knows that if he is proved wrong, he will become a laughing stock and yet he continues to prophesy.
he even said that doesn't want to do it any more because we on the internet keep twisting his words and misconstrue what he said
but like i said, he is only obeying what God is telling him to say.

you can say that this prophecy may have been more generalised
but it mentioned a local flight, prominent figures, and a non-pilot error... it takes either a crazy person or someone convinced to just come out and say that...

if you say that this prophecy is too general
what about when he categorically came out to say basically that zambia would win the afcon, before the game started

or when he said that the nigerian protests would be over by the next day (when they were still on)

or when he said nigeria's result against guinea would be unfavourable (before the match started)

imagine if any of these events had been a different story - people would be ridiculing him like there's no tomorrow

and i am not magnifying the man, tb joshua
i am praising God that God keeps proving to us doubters that he is a true prophet
and we should start listening to him!

ememonl: linda ikeji is just pulling your legs for publicity, see this...http://5slate..com/2012/03/linda-ikeji-embarrassed-on-nairaland.html

Onlytruth: Can you please send us the pictures of Nnewi roads?
I don't know how most of you are there talking without showing any proofs.
Won't you at least put your money where your mouth is?
Pictures speak volumes.
So, until you post pictures, you may well be a partisan supporting past defeated candidates.
We need proof.

dadicvila: I remember a video i watched how boiz in Alu campus uniport caught and humilited two lesbians,mehn if na me eh,i go show them pepper

papatosibe: Why am I not surprised?

Abia State, Oteh, Fake degree, Greed, Nepotism, incompetence, Hotel stay, hobnobbing with strange men while hubby and kids are at home, questionable work history, cluelessness, aloofness, lack of self control . . . Ibo people. SMH


Who spends N850,000 on food? What did she buy. . . human parts?

E nice: Someone mentioned spilling of seeds (self service, withdrawal, etc) as sin. If that is the case, regardless of being married or not, is the use of contraceptives a sin? with the advice from medical experts on family planning, isn't that contrary to our faith as christians? To me, it is not a sin. During child birth, Is blood transfusion a sin?

SimonAndal: _
Lmfao. Over-flogging!

SimonAndal: _
Lmfao. Over-flogging!

wisepluto: ...My suggestion is that people just can't understand his trail blazing success records! with rhapsody being the second most translated book in the world, international t.v audience, committed members!

Olalekan 0: Not all female attorneys are successful,
Just pray she's not successful,that way she'll remain submissive!

Myself2: Your husband actually hates your Ibo identity,point this out to him and tell him how not-s0o-cool and chauvinistic it is for him to ask you to change your first name,as if losing your last name for him is not enough.
If he denies hating your tribe and insists on calling you Simi-whatever,you go ahead and reciprocate by calling him Anukporonku

queensmith: Only sarcasm can fully deal with this question.

OP you cannot tell anything; there is absolutely no way of knowing, if you marry her you are submitting to the state of the unknown in which no man can cope.
One is meant to know every minute detail of a womans life before he marries her, you was meant to groom her from childhood and keep a video dossier of all her activities. You failing to do so has now lead to this connundrum.

We thank God all hope is not lost, it's not too late to visit the orphanage and adopt a little baby girl, you can groom her for 25 years.
Remember you need to keep her locked in a cell to make sure external influences of civilisation has no affect on her.
Make sure you hire Catholic Nuns to teach her the firm Catholic beliefs that shape your life.
Good luck with all that.