₦airaland Forum

[quote author=Efemena_xy]My opinion on this is that you need to get off your high moral horse and quit being judgemental of people. Without having to read the comments of other posters here, it's obvious that your argument is flawed and lacks substance.

The homosexuals you're so quick to crucify without knowing a dime about their backgrounds...were they not born of heterosexual parents??

~ The multitude of thieving politicians ruling your country, Nigeria, are they not born of heteroxexual parents?

~ Your average runz girl who carries her pregnancy for nine months and dumps her new born baby in the gutters, public toilet, road side, rubbish heap, or in a carton in the middle of some godforsaken bush - is she not born of heterosexual parents? Are these sick, cold hard b!.tche.s not born of heterosexual parents??

~ Your so called evil madam-de-madams that have loads of underaged, vulnerable, young, prepubescent girls as house helps or maids, that she abuses at will at the slightest reason... are those wicked, women not born of heterosexual parents? Does the wickedness these maids / housegirls have to suffer day in and day out at the hands of their employers not cause serious psychological problems for them? So what are you talking about??

~ The child you see on the road hawking goods at a pittance, denied attending school because they must sell mama's goods and forced to contribute financially to the upkeep of their face-me-I-face-you flat...are these kids not born of heterosexual parents?

Now give me one example, just 1 example of a gay couple in Naija you know of, that does a fraction of the crimes I've listed up there.

Until you do so, you haven't got a leg to stand on with those weak arguments of yours. Now quit the gay bashing abeg. Learn to remove the speck from your eyes before judging and condemning others.[/quote]So, the fact that some "heterosexuals" have children who do bad things or treat their children badly proves s a cast-iron case for sodomites to raise children?

And you called her arguments weak?
Classic

TV

Hezron Lorraine: I'll leave this to the heterosexuals to decide.wouldn't want to get too defensive in a such heated arguement.

You leave it to heterosexuals to decide on the basis of the deceitful sodomitic propoganda you posted here? Are you having a laugh? You will know heated.

Hezron Lorraine: 1•)research shows that about 87-90% of kids raised by heterosexuals end up gay.the union of two homosexual parents doesn't have a direct effect on their child's s.exuality.just the way the s.exuality of heterosexual parents doesn't determine if their kids too will be str8.same-sex union marriage doesn't make the children in that union potential gays,they are still subject to the laws of nature on what their s.exual orientation would be.

This is so nonsensical, it can only be an error. Please correct or show sources.

And nature at best plays a part in same-sex attraction, it's not the whole story - probably not even most of it. And if you appeal to nature to justify your acts why contrary to nature do you insist on children?

Hezron Lorraine: 2•)Couples in a same-sex union have the same or better bearing at parent ability same as their heterosexual counterparts.research as shown that kids raised in homosexual unions perform intellectually high.their gay parents lifestyle is not detrimental to their personal abilities.

Are you serious? Do you think we are fools here, or is this just a "spew lies long and persistently enough and people will believe it ploy?" Studies can be made to show just about anything - especially if there is a pre-determined outcome in view. Sources please. Let me guess, some "gay lobby" backed/funded research!

Which empirical or longitudinal studies demonstrate this? What sample sizes are we talking here? How long has sodomitic parenting even been in view to make a direct comparison with natural/normal parenting, which has been the norm pretty much for ever.

Hezron Lorraine: 3•)Gay couples may be unable to procreate the natural way,but that isn't a full stop for them to have a family.it may be wrong,but they are no less than the str8.

They are absolutely and incontrovertibly less than straight. A sodomitic union can never provide the balance that the natural - male/female - family provides and even worse, it always denies a child one of it's biological parents. Wilful pre-meditated child abuse.

Please, have as much rectal penetration and fecal pre-intimacy as you like, but don't force normal people to pervert truth and decency to validate your abominable lifestyles.

TV

A number of perspectives here;

Mentioning marriage the first date is not necessarily a bad thing. However, I think mentioning marriage "to the person" on the first date is a little hasty - even if you have divine revelation.

A girl I had known for a while dropped the word marriage in our first phone convo. I quite appreciated her forthrightness and if anything it scored her points.

Even my wife mention "our babies" on the second phone call - we'd had just one date after meeting for the first time. I actually think it just slipped out, as she didn't even recall at first. Again, I didn't break stride, just let her speak freely and kept the discussion going.

It's good in a way, as the unserious and the unready typically flake. See OP talking about not being "psychologically ready" . Although it won't necessarily deter serious players.

I think the OP is on shaky ground here. If she is desperate, why hasten towards intimacy? There are a whole range of negative outcomes, especially if the desperation is driven by something sinister. Make ready for your unpreparedness to be a moot point if this goes horribly wrong.

Best - as always - to take your time getting to know her. With time the real driver behind her comments will be clear. At the very least she's somewhat innocent/immature.

And where are our dearly beloved feminist hordes railing against the double standards when it's a man - romantic, jovial - proposing marriage on the first date, as against a woman - desperate, scheming?

I'll take feminists seriously when they learn to pee standing up (note there are no real male feminists, that's just game )

TV

TV01: [Quote author=chaircover]

pele Mr "I always think before posting and I always read with a little more understanding"

Ive told you before!!!! . . . remove the speck from you eye first

Morning CC,

Point taken. I could have been more generous in response - and will be in future. Heartfelt apologies. Please put it down to my zeal for solid marriages and happy families - which I believe you share. Let's rather focus on this common cause.

Once again, I'm sorry. Please, no vex.

TV

slimyem: A lot of unmarried people are getting the message wrongly. Entering into marriages with the mindset that,if it doesn't work, divorce is the way out.

Basic.

Entering knowing it's a life-long commitment and that there is no second chance - for professed Christians - if you opt out will mean the correct emphasis is given to the foundation.

I'm working the like button today.

TV

Nashville: When I read posts like this, it just sends a very wrong signal about marriage. Next month, my parents will celebrate 40 years of marriage. My grandparents were married for 62 years before my grandfather passed on and I am almost 8 years in marriage and I do not regret getting married. My wife as well has no regrets. My brother and sister are also very happily married. There are lots of people out there enjoying their marriages and may be you need to learn one or two things from them if this is truly your view.

No marriage is perfect just like no one is perfect but I dare say the scenarios you paint are far from the norm. I am a Christian and I know I can only have something I believe in. I can only have a happy marriage if I believe it is possible and if I can see it. This is not about men vs women. I have a friend whose wife is dating an ED in her bank, and she is threagthening him with divorce etc. There are bad men and women out there and there are good men too. Your responsibility is to marry a good man. This is just a cheap way of absolving oneself from blame.

If you sincerely ask people in bad marriage how they got themselves into the mess they are in, they themselves would tell you where they made mistakes. Most mistakes were made before marriage and what I am preaching is that divorce should not be seen as an easy escape route. Someone commented earlier that people that are no longer connecting should get a divorce. I actually laughed, like seriously, is that what marriage has turned into? Most people marry for the wrong reasons. Some women will marry guys who abused and beat them up even before marriage, some will still marry guys that cheated on them 10 times before marriage. Some will marry a guy over the internet? Some will marry guys they dont even know what he does for a living.

Marriage can be lovely but you must first believe it can be!

TV also liked this post and it gave him a warm feeling inside .

God bless you for this piece. If only they knew.

TV

greatgod2012: If you had asked this question before, it won't surprise you now and you would have quit or continued the relationship, depending on whichever you can live with.

chaircover: As regards questions being asked before marriage, no one on the “things discussed before marriage” thread, mentioned which name will the wife take after marriage question which further buttresses my point that you cant possibly cover all eventualities no matter how many questions you ask before you get married.

In getting to know someone, questions are a great tool. Do they have to be exhaustive and cover every eventually? Can they? Of course not.

If people thought prior to posting or read with a little more understanding, they would wise up to the fact that "disclosure" is in view. Anything a courting person holds dear - especially which differs from the norm or on which they cannot compromise - should be disclosed post-haste.

Is courtship a guessing game?

TV

Nashville: I do not see how divorce can be worthy of celebration and divorce should be discouraged. One of the reasons why divorce is on the rise is because lots more people rush into marriage. They fall in love over facebook and go ahead and marry people they do not even know. Divorce is not the solution, the solution is that people should use their brains before getting married.

A happy home is essential for bringing up stable kids. The biggest losers in any divorce are the children. You may say you were married to a psycho but my question is that why would you marry a psycho? Didnt you choose yourself or someone brought the man to you? And you find some people divorcing upto three times, didnt you learn anything from the first one. All in all, divorce for me is never a good thing. It is allowed and there are clear instances where it is ok to divorce,(eg cheating and extreme violence) but I still cannot see it as something worth celebrating.

People now use it to just satisfy their own lusts. A woman is eyeing some rich alhaji will divorce her husband and marry the alhaji. She will always have many things to claim as her husband cant be perfect anyway. A middle aged man eyeing some sweet 16 will divorce his wife and marry the new bride. He can always come up with 100 reason why the wife is a witch. For me, we should not celebrate divorce.

I liked this post.

It would be great if the Christian context of divorce not pre-supposing re-marriage was also in view. This would focus people on the serious nature of the commitment and the soberness required to venture into marriage.

Contrary to popular opinion, most divorce is about selfish desire overcoming responsibility and commitment.

Our children and societies will reap this whirlwind.

TV

godello: Now how can one discover the hidden characters? coz this days pretence encapsulates many courtship.

stiiv: now, am even more scared than i use to be.

DarryOsh: bros, u are not alone. This marriage issue....it seems the more you try to understand, the more you are confused.
God knows if i am gonna make mistakes in my life, it mustnt b in marriage.

Guys, please be encouraged. Do not be moved by the naysayers and the bad testimonies that abound here. If anything, they are unrepresentative, as people only tend to bring problems to this forum.

I know there are lots of heart-rending stories beyond Nairaland too, but visualise, plan and prepare for your own marital bliss. It is really not as difficult as some would have you believe or as risky as others say - if done correctly!

I've written much to this end, feel free to take time to read and understand. There are others with good insight here, and many will willingly give advise. But read wide, beyond this forum. Real life models - across a range of ages, lifestyles etc - are also great. Use all this as a guide (not a template), but more importantly, build your understanding.

I have a truly blissful marriage and there are no downsides. God is truly good.

TV

AmberDelRio: Hi. My name is Amber. I recently got married to a Igbo man. I love my husband very much but I feel like he is hiding some things from me. I have been honest with him about the good bad and ugly with myself but I just can't shake this feeling of hidden things. I am now starting to question weather he loves me for me or if he would just like a green card. Should I go searching for information or just let it be?

You've left yourself with few options and not much hope here.

It's either there is nothing to this or there is.

If there is not, you may search not find anything and be satisfied. Or you may not find anything and still not be satisfied as the seed of suspicion continues to gnaw.

If there is, you may inquire, find something and be faced with hard choices. Or you may not find anything and in due course whatever it is rears its head. You will then be faced with those same choices, but with more water under the bridge, they may be that much harder and more complicated.

For your peace of mind and long term best interest the obvious thing to do would be to "go search" as you put it. That alone could put a great strain on the relationship.

Brace yourself.

I wish you all the best

TV

_{WannaWeds please take note!}

ileobatojo: First I'm a lesbian single mom and now I'm a militant feminist which is no different from being a gay activist. You're such a doll, aren't you?

Yeah, I'm not even a tiny fraction interested in helping you satisfy your 'curiosity'. Have a nice day.

If you read carefully, you'll see I labelled you non of those things. I was merely curious as to your situation, especially as it motivates your positions/postings. Hence the questions.

Like I said, feel free to decline.

Hope you had a pleasant day yourself.

TV
_{(God fearing Christian who is very happily married to a beautiful wife with an adorable son )}

honeric01: Hmmmm, thanks, pls share more, others are reading..

My pleasure.

If per my first post, you are individually mature (Spiritually, Educationally, Financially Physically, Emotionally, Socially – each of these require more detail, please ask if required), then you are ready for courtship.

I had my preferred way of meeting people, but whatever way/s you use, I always suggest you have a good idea of what you want in a spouse. It will save you a lot of time and hassle if you focus. If at all possible, learn a little about a person before you approach them or accept to get to know them better, let alone “date”. (More here also, but please ask, I’m trying to keep it short).

So, you are getting to know this person, what to discuss? Your aim is to gain sufficient insight into this persons character, worldview and aspirations to know if you should proceed to courtship proper and ultimately marriage.

In marriage, the possible combination and variety of situations you will face are so numerous, you simply cannot discuss them all, hence the emphasis on maturity & character. And a real God fearing nature if you believe.

So discuss pretty much everything and anything, being sure to learn about them as a person. Background, heritage, desires (especially for marriage), education, and any life experiences they are willing to share. At the early stages, don’t necessarily get too deep.

Talk lots. Be out together (in safe non-pressured, environments), in groups, assess how they are in public, their familial and social interaction if you have the opportunity

If it becomes more likely that they are looking like the one, the relationship should be made exclusive and then more intimate things like sex can be discussed as you become closer. I always counsel full disclosure of past relationships around this point. Be sure to meet family and close friends and assess further.

You can “plan”, some things quite clearly, but some things only generally. Man proposes....be flexible and willing to discuss further, compromise or make strategic changes. You’ll probably have too once married.

Overall, you want to be sure of your commitment to each other and your union. You should ideally know what that means before you start, only now you’ve found the one. A slight digression, but ensure you engage your support - family etc - before it gets too serious or any commitment is made. There should be discussion here also, and whoever it is should be presented - repeatedly.

If at any point you feel you cannot marry – spend the rest of your life with - this person, then diplomatically bow out.

As a Christian, I always counsel marrying someone of like faith and avoiding fornication. I may touch on intimacy more fully in a separate post , but that should suffice for now.

Look out for – deceit, anger, selfishness, caginess, inconsistency, lewdness, lack of focus or direction, any kind of impropriety. Set your standards high or you will likely compromise on calibre of person and personal qualities.

This is not a template or a roadmap, it’s general guidance. Your quest will and should be very personal. Your story, your marriage.

Apologies for the slightly disjointed order, I’m rushed. All the best as you proceed towards marital bliss.

TV

honeric01: Are there no married people on this family thread again?

Oh, because this is not a thread for lamentation abi?

Apologies, I saw your thread late and hoped I could find a piece I'd written but never posted which speaks to your question. Here it is;

Almost all potential problems within marriage can be dealt with – or one could say stem from a failure to “deal with issues” – foundationally.

By foundationally, I mean two things. 1. Proper preparation of an individual for marriage (nothing to do with potential partners here, this is about your development, correct understanding and proper expectation) and 2. Courtship

In fact, I’m personally yet to see a broken marriage where the issue was not apparent – even if ignored – during courtship (if there was one).

Noting that I mean a suitably ordered courtship and proper due diligence (with recourse to family, faith etc.). Indeed, then the only real issue (and still a relatively minor one at this point) is whether to proceed on the basis of any perceived problematic areas.

The decision to knowingly do so, even if you regret it later is your responsibility. If he/she is angry/immature/a drunkard/violent/abusive/spendthrift etc. but you “thought you could change him/her” or “he/she would mature”. But they didn’t/wouldn’t, and now after 9 years and 3 kids you are fed-up and want out, at least be honest about the root of the problem. Especially when signs are ignored or overlooked because he/she is wealthy/endowed/pretty/with an extra portion of booty or swag etc.

In short, if you are not prepared as in 1., courtship as in 2., may fail it’s full purpose. If both 1 and 2 are in place I can pretty much assure you, that your relationship will be all but devoid of any character related issues that are not fairly easily resolved. And if you are wise and have the third – and most important imho - part of this 3 fold knot – which is an abiding faith in God, you have the immutability of His word.

We can all drop our 2 cents worth of advice when a relationship is beset with problems, but in truth, any advice – no matter how good - is only as useful as the willingness & ability of the two individuals to grasp and implement it. Which ironically they would have, if they had the right foundation, which if they had, they probably wouldn’t have the problem in the first place or would be well equipped to deal with it.

If one person in a marital union is effectively “not fit for purpose” as per 1., above, and does not realise this and make the required adjustments, both of them – and any offspring - will suffer and at best endure – but for how long?

Listen carefully; Foundation! foundation!! foundation!!!

Happy to give more detail if required, but this is a starter for 10.

Do not fear. Marrying properly and marrying well makes marriage a joy.

Best
TV

ileobatojo: I'll be more than happy to answer your 'innocuous' question when I see some evidence that you routinely ask married Nigerians if they are married to people of the same gender or not.

Just curious. Like I said, most people reveal glimpses of their lives collaterally when posting. You don't - as far as I can see. Admittedly I don't see all your posts. I believe you mentioned a son, other than that nothing. So I wondered. Like I said, feel free to demure.

ileobatojo: Also please enlighten us more on the use of the word 'hubby' among lesbians to describe their partners since you seem knowledgable of that subject matter.

It is not about lesbians per se. There are moves afoot to allow same-sex couples to use either term regardless of the sex of the couple. So for example two men could legally be two husbands, a husband and wife or two wives. So terms like "maiden" name" or reference to a "husband" will no longer possess the same face-value. Part of the convolution required to make "marriage equal".

ileobatojo: As to what I likely support, this seems to be a favorite past time of the haters around here, isn't it? Assuming they know your opinion and putting words in your mouth?

I made it clear I was curious, hence my question. It helps understand differing POV', if there is some colour. I hitherto had no real sense of your beliefs, relationship status, orientation or very much other than you appear to be a trained medic.

In the current cultural wars, there is little difference banner wise between militant feminists and gay activists. I have ascribed nothing to you, merely asked a question and wondered out loud.

If you decline to answer or simply tell, no problem at all.

So, do you support SSM?

TV

CNN80: And this is what I was making reference too. What is the big deal about ileobatojo keeping her maiden name? Why must people make cracks at her just because she is in no hurry to change her name? Has her husband complained?

I'll presume your misreading of my post was unintentional, but that was not the motivation for my question.

TV

ileobatojo: Are you "married" to a robot or a sheep?

Neither.

My question was a serious one. We are our posting histories and you happen to be one of the few who reveals very little. And perhaps for good reason? But you being a "contemporary feminist" and a likely supporter of SSM, I just wondered.

So my question stands?

TV

CC,

You posted something wrong and without context. I simply pointed that out. By all means query or rebut my point, but l histrionics and disingenuity do not speak well of you or serve viewers on this board. I'll respond for the sake of the more impressionable that may read.

chaircover: Which fear

Observe closely and you'll see the concern voiced by many - particularly those yet to wed - on this board. I feel that those that properly understand and/or enjoy marriage should do our utmost to allay those fears. Your statement was simply untrue and irresponsible.

chaircover: Dont bad things happen to good people and vice versa. Are all people in bad marriages bad choosers and bad people?

Has anyone said any different? I repeat "Marriage is not hit or miss" and is very much dependent on our understanding, preparation and choices. Correctly done, risk is quite minimal.

chaircover: How come I got a good man? Did I go to baba alawo to get mine or was I on Mountain of Fire fasting and praying for a whole year?

But you did do something didn't you? Thank God that our posting histories are before us. Do I need to remind you about the bad traits you found in previous suitors - that led to your ending relationships - prior to meeting your husband and the good qualities he possesses that made you proceed! All of that you posted on this board. And I dare say you probably involved your family at some point?

Or did you play the popular "hit or miss" husband lotto, perhaps just grab the first guy of the street? Why look beyond the bad for the good if it's makes no difference?

Prayer & fasting for a whole year? Mountain of fire? You sound like you're set on justifying your error, even if you have to sneakily resort to extremes to do so. If one believes in God, is He outside or uncaring of our marriages? Is He unable to perfect them and us. I only ever point to God in instances where posters make a point of faith. Is your self-professed Christianity a moot point?

chaircover: Am I any better than any of the poor women going through hell at the hands of their men. Is it not the grace of God. Next you will tell me that they didnt pray enough before getting married!

How pious of you - plus a dash of empathy - will definitely play well. Yes, it's always women, it's always hell.

Painfully contradictory. Which is it, "the grace of God" or "hit and miss"? Or is it Gods grace that is hit or miss? As to the needless "pray enough" remark, like I said, our posting histories are on record. Try and rise above slyness.

chaircover: Yes some of it is due diligence and some of it is pure hit and miss

Contradictory and erratic? You can't even agree with yourself. So far you've added grace and due dilligence to your "hit or miss". Let's dedicate a new category in your honour; there's right, wrong and now courtesy of CC there's "inconsistently wrong"

chaircover: and the Mr Right you choose 5 years ago can change to Mr Wrong.

Yes 0! Overnight he can go from loving and caring, to a trying to immolate you, dragging you across the floor by your hair and generally making Hannibal Lecter appear well-adjusted.

chaircover: Give some people some loose change in their pocket and see how they totally change. You can never fully know the person you live with . . NEVER!!! Why because we never really know ourselves until faces with certain situations.

But your husband is a good man yes? Or is that something you need to re-assess daily?

chaircover: Pls lets stop blaming people all the time when they find themselves in difficult situations.

We can do better than that. Let's not set any expectations, lets spread ill-considered and damaging clichés. Let's go even further. We can overlook destructive behaviour and ignore bad choices and simply toss any notions of responsibility or accountability out the window. After all, it's one chance? Counsel sef is pointless. It's just a gamble.

chaircover: I certainly didnt have those "before we get married 200 point project plan" meetings that so many people seem to endorse on this section and we are doing fine.

Of course not, you walked into it backwards, blindfolded and with your hands tied. And you still managed to pin the tail on the donkey. Are you Irish by any chance ?

chaircover: Most of us only matured in the marriage anyway. What did we know about life before we got married and started having responsibility ourselves and for other people?

Desperation sets in. Everyone "grows into marriage". Does that mean it is good to be married absent maturity? What on earth are you on about?

chaircover: It is Grace . . and not because we were super clever

Grace? Is that Gaelic? Whence cometh grace?

So once again, please be more considered when you post in future and considerate of the readership, some of whom are quite impressionable. Further, try and be humble enough to stand corrected. You are not averse to calling out error yourself. And believe me if it wasn't to encourage others, I wouldn't dignify this nonsense with a reply.

And finally, marriage is not "hit or miss". It's a God given institution which if entered into with a degree of maturity, understanding and the right preparation and support will be the most blessed, rewarding and fulfilling thing you ever do.

TV

ileobatojo: I am married and still use my maiden name. But, I plan to change it to my hubby's name.

Don't mean to be nosey - so feel free to demure - but are you "married" to a man or woman?

TV

White007: What Do You Do When Your Spouse/Loved One Doesn't Exercise.
I’ve been dating someone for the last year who has been talking about losing weight and has yet to do so. I would say she is easily 40 lbs overweight.

3 whole stone? That's a lot - whatever her optimum weight should be.

White007: I’ve tried working out with her with no success. She loves food and has a tendency to lay down and even nap after dinner. All she wants to do is lay down. It makes me crazy.

The good thing is that it sounds like it's solely down to her lifestyle, so should melt away if she takes it seriously

White007: We’ve tried talking about it and the only thing that happens is we argue and I get disgusted. If I encourage her to join me for walks or any activity she gives up right away.

But it sounds like she doesn't want too and to be honest "you can lead an overweight person to the gym/park....

White007: I want to see her get better because I know it will affect her health as she ages and I don’t know what to do. I care very much for her but I feel I’m fighting a losing battle.

Diplomatically couched and true. But physique and looks are also a consideration.

White007: I welcome all suggestions, please.

You;
- I question why you pursued the relationship in the first instance. Men are very "sensory" creatures - at least to begin. In fact I'll fault you on this, because you approached her as she was and she has every right to expect that you accept her as she is. It would have been more honest to make it clear pre-commitment that this was an issue and given her the choice. And even better, that you hadn't gone there seeing as how important this is too you. Having said that, she should still appreciate there is an issue here and try and work with you.

- This is clearly critical too you and I have no sense that the other qualities you saw adequately compensate here?

- Be very clear that this will not improve with age, child-birth and continued neglect, but steadily worsen. You cannot afford to get to a position of finding your wife physically unattractive or visually unappealing.

- I would honestly say this is a deal breaker.

Her;
- Coaching (not training per se) may help her do this. But only if she wants it, which it doesn't sound like she does.

- Women are very sensitive about looks and appearance and your continued run-ins over this will take their toll. Be careful, enuff self-esteem threads.

- Looks liker a deal breaker from this end as well.

I'm also a bit of a gym rat and it was something that I knew would factor for me. It was always going to be tough as at that point, our ladies did not "typically" have a health/exercise/nutrition mentality. I figured I'd marry someone at least ten years younger, so that it would be less of an issue for me as we both aged. And someone slightly smaller than ideal so that child-birth wouldn't make too much of a difference.

I even joined a regular gym, but what they made up in physique, they typically lacked in faith or we just didn't gel. Thank God, he answered me in my infirmities. I met someone who had a routine in place. And I think that's key, she wasn't doing it to please me, she got it. I still have to encourage her sometimes, but it's not a wholesale mindset change.

Everything else fell in place too. If you are looking for a wife, be more focused, it'll make for less hassle and time wasted.

I wish you all the best in your search.

TV

chaircover: This marriage thing is just hit and miss jare.

That is patently untrue, unless you proceed without due care and are reckless in your approach. Please try not to put fear into people with ill-considered statements.

honey86: Some men are just plain irresponsible.

Agreed.
Could we also agree that women should not marry such men?

Gaggi: Men like this might be irresponsible but they are usually running frm a nagging and difficult wife who makes d home inconvenient.

Men - especially husbands - do not "run". They address situations and deal with the circumstances that pertain to their marital homes. Whatever the case here, please do not make excuses for irresponsible behaviour.



@OP,

I would question the foundation of your union. Having said that, you are now in it, so play to win.

You;
Please stop feeling sorry for yourself. You are now a wife, not a whiny girlfriend. Conduct yourself as such - purposefully. From your point of view, you are last in the priority order of your own family. You should be most concerned about your childrens well-being, your husbands and then your own.

Buckle up. Find a fitting time and set the stage for a frank - not weepy/emotional - discussion with your husband. Be very clear about your expectations from the union and from him, emphasising the impact of his behaviour on the nurture of your offspring and you personally.

Have a clear idea of the actions you would like to see and have him commit to some immediately and make promises about others. Be tough and forthright - he will respect you for it - and give it thorough consideration before you sit down.

Be clear that you do not want to involve either family, but if things do not change you will be forced too. The asthma incident is case in point, he should be first to your side, not your family.

Him;
I can't say for sure, but your husband sounds immature - not outright wicked?. Perhaps he wasn't ready for the commitment of marriage or appreciative of the responsibilities? Whatever the case. It's in your - and your childrens - best interest for him to make the necessary adjustments.

I do not know who your support network are, but your immediate family should always occupy this role, and they should have been the ones to prepare you and approve of him. I am not aware of your situation prior to marriage, so cannot comment further. Your recourse after talking to your husband directly, should be a wise and trusted elder - preferably male, from your side, and one whom your husband respects - to mediate (not tell your husband off 0!) between you.

You mentioned church? On your knees.

Chin up and God be with you.

TV

GOD'S WORD® Translation (©1995)
Philippians 2:6 - Although he was in the form of God and equal with God, he did not take advantage of this equality.

The above is Christian equality in a nutshell.

_{And no philosophy or ideology can - or is required to - embellish Christianity. Attempting to do so will give you "another gospel". Let no one be deceived by reasoning and smooth words. I speak to those who may be unwittingly taken in by them.}

TV

biolabee: very good example.... so the man won the argument

Lets assume it goes on like that for two years... what next

how does that gel with your equality beliefs

Say you have to resign due to high costs of childcare as it occurs in the West or you DO NOT want a househelp

How is this feminism compatible with your religion that says there shall be a head in marriage

Biolabee, you could be more insightful.

The "man" did not win the argument. His position was better - in fact hers was unworkable.

A true example here would be if both positions seemed of equal merit, who gets to make the call. Who submits? who exercises authority?

I'll give you an example; I once dated a girl and pointedly asked her "will you follow my lead". Her response was "if you make sense". You can see that was a "no" right? Red Carded instanta !


TV

bukatyne: Oga Tv,

In summary, what is your post about?

I'm following Aluta' lead here. Case rested - especially based on your penultimate post.

TV

_{*I edited my last post slightly. but it still reads essentially the same*}

bukatyne: I am a Christian first and it should reflect in my outlook to life.

Can one be a "Christian first" and then something that is contrary to Christianity second? That makes you neither fish nor fowl. Please think about that.

Indeed, your writing betrays the fact that you adopt procrustean means to make your Christianity fit your feminism.

You never actually answered Aluta' question on what equality meant. Further you are unable to decouple "equality" and "submission". Evidenced by your last quote below and a clear pointer of your supposed faith warring - and perhaps losing - to your ideology

bukatyne: The fact I am equal to a man does not mean I should be rude or maltreat him. Before doing anything to someone, I try to put myself in the shoes of that person. Infact, knowing that we are equal has helped me a lot. I know that this person feels pain the way I do, would appreciate things like I would etc. Before, I do things to/for my fiancée, I try to imagine 'if it were the other way round, would he do this? handle the situation like this? etc.' and I try to emulate where I am lacking. I am not a person to counter one's views because they are not from me.

What is it that warrants rudeness however you define equality?

bukatyne: If he brings an idea/suggestion and I have no differing opinion, the decision flies. If I do, we table it and discuss the pros and cons of each suggestion and pick the best for us. It might be his, it might be mine.

And here is the rub. Submission is not in view here is it? What's the tie-braker. Any power of veto by the male head?

bukatyne: Submission as defined in the Bible has never ran counter to equality. It's submission as defined by man (African since Aluta feels that the African male understands submission differently). Do you know that all Christians are expected to submit to one another? Does it mean that all Christians are not equal?

Again you hit a brick wall trying to reconcile two disparate concepts, one of which you have been unable to define, the other that is anathema to your feminist ideolgy.

And finally you conclude. You are equal (whatever equality means). All Christians submit to one another, ergo you submit to no one. I won't ask you to expound on that particular scripture in context, as I fear you'd read it through your ideological lens

I am not sure what faith or ideology Aluta subscribes to, but imho she is certainly closer to the Christian truth here, and rightly rested her case. I'll wait to see if I should do likewise.

TV

[quote author=Lord_Reed]To reiterate if you are saying "marriage was designed for believers" I agree in totality but if you are saying "Marriage Is Meant For Believers Only" then I believe you are denying the very evidence before you.[/quote]I'm not even sure I can agree the "designed for believers claim"

At best it's a standoff. One can argue that only believers existed when it was instituted, therefore it was designed for believers. But equally, one can argue that it's designed for mankind. Or even that belief was not in view, a condition or a prerequisite, and therefore does not come into play.

God saw man as lonely and needing a suitable helpmeet. It had narry to do with belief, holiness or righteousness, or salvation.

Although God given, it's an earthly institution to meet a human need. It's why there will be no marriage in heaven.

Marriage was designed for mankind imho. But I stand to be corrected if it can be shown otherwise.


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TV

Ihedinobi: My brother, I've given my argument in exhaustive detail already. I did as you requested and gave a brief summary. I am not arguing whether or not unbelievers can have blissful/blessed unions. I've maintained that the relationship was designed for Christians and I've given a clear reason why I think so. The following is the scriptural layout of my argument:

I grasp what you "maintain", I'm just not sure I get it? I simply see marriage as something bestowed by God creationally. To bless mankind without distinction. It's as summarised below right?

Ihedinobi: 1. Marriage was designed for man

2. Man is that which is in the Image of God

3. Adam's children are not in that Image, they're damaged

4. Christ is the Image of the Invisible God

5. Christians are those in the Image of the Invisible God

6. Marriage was designed for Christians.

So as marriage was given to man prior to the fall, it is only for those that have been restored to that state?

I believe in end-to-end doctrine. This means not just the spirituality or theory, but also the practical outworking.

Would it be fair to say then that any marriage between two "restored" Christians cannot fail or be barren. Or conversely, if a marriage fails or is barren it cannot therefore be between two Christian? What if it contains just one believer? The bible even talks about one believing spouse sanctifying the other and making their seed holy.

I honestly don't get it. And can think of a number of questions that make this view jar with other parts of the scriptural narrative.

Ihedinobi: TV, I'm confident that you know the Scriptures involved. I'm unable to produce them now because I'm a bit rushed. I will offer them later for the benefit of other readers without as much scholarship as you, sir.

I've joined the discussion late, but I would appreciate the outline and inferences clearly detailed. In your own time of course. Appreciate how busy we all are. Indeed,I may not know the scriptures, have the same take on them or indeed been blessed with the same revelation. But I'm all ears.

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TV

Mavrick2012: Gooday folks,please i need your candid advice.
on sunday evening,while i was playing football with my two yrs old son in the sitting room,i overheard my wife making a call at the other end of our sitting room.About three minutes after the call i asked her who was on the line,she looked slightly ruffled, "uncle Amos",she said.I expected her to explain further,but she said nothing more,so i demanded who uncle amos is,she only said "you wouldnt know him".since i observed she wasnt ready to talk,i told her i was going to sleep.
The following morning she told me "uncle Amos" teaches in her sister's school,her elder sister has a school in keffi,we reside in kaduna.
The most shoking aspect of the whole drama was when i suggested she delete the number and stop all form of communications,mywife told me she doesnt like the idea,except if i want her to lie to me.she said she can guaranty its just platonic.
I try explaining but she remained adamant.folks,pleas what should i do?I detest divorce and infidelity.

I'll be candid with you Mavrick 2012.

Firstly, whilst there is nothing wrong coming to nl for opinion, please be careful whose opinion you listen too. Further, do not feel compelled to respond to those who willfully or ignorantly misread you. I hear you on your hatred of divorce and infidelity. There are some here who see nothing wrong with divorce and others with agendas other than harmonious homes, which is possibly a reflection of their own situations.

The one good thing about these half-baked, blowsy or unconsidered responses, is that you'll soon learn whom to ignore.

So to your post proper;

With marriage comes a sacrificing of some privacy for both partners. And it's important that both have sight of who the other is interacting with - if it's anything other than day to day business - even if this is only in passing. Moreso the agreement you had with you wife regards opposite sex friends is something that should imho be taken as read in marriage. OSF should be the exception and should certainly be known to the spouse.

You have done nothing wrong in querying your wife. You have every right and further, if it makes you uncomfortable or causes you to query it, your wife - or yourself if positions are reversed - should take steps to reassure you.

Some are suggesting you meet this Amos person. What for? For what? If he's platonic there is no need, if the relationship is illicit, either he'll refuse to show or something will be staged to throw you off the scent.

Your business is firstly with your wife. I don't know of the dynamic in your home or the past histories of either yourself or your wife, but please sit her down at an appropriate time and in an appropriate manner and discuss this with her.

Some of the things you wrote made me wonder about your wife, but she is your wife, so I'll trust you be measured in your approach.

Remind her of both your vows and commitment to your union, and further your role and desire to keep her and your home secure. Let her know why you find this disturbing and your expectations of her.

I won't say more than this for now unless you have anything further to add. You sound mature and humble. Accusations of rigidity aside, men need to be somewhat sober.

I wish you peace in your home. Please seek God if you fear Him.

TV

biolabee: So it was just a case of a randy girl flouting public decency laws in the middle east of all places

Hahaha

#NotSurprised

...it was always likely to be so. Not that that would hinder our resident "sensible shoe lesbos, idiopathic misandrists, rabid feminazis and purveyors of licentiousness from coming out in full force and venting until blue in the face...And with narry a half point between them...

Shior

TV

Kneel.
Kneel to God in prayer and repentance.
Kneel to your husband (your head) in humility and forgiveness.
Keep kneeling until your husband says otherwise. And when he does, retain the kneeling posture in your heart.

TV

Ihedinobi: I am, my dear brother, by His tender mercies. I hope you are too.

Pardon me, but I still do not get your objection. Is there something false in what I said? Or are there closer meanings for the concepts I mentioned than the ones I offered?

About your question, we are saying nothing of the sort. The issue is for whom marriage is meant. In fact, in the next portion of my post which you addressed below, I made clear that even though marriage is meant for Christians alone, non-Christians are allowed to share in it, in a manner of speaking.

I don't understand.

If what you are postulating is that only believers can truly fulfill Gods purpose for marriage, then I won't quibble. And that is not to say I would totally agree, but I could better understand that view. That does not mean that marriage is not "meant for all mankind", or that unbelievers cannot have blissful/blessed unions.

I guess the "objection" is that "Marriage" scripturally prescribed as good for man(kind) and instituted as male/female. Any other slant is an assertion. There is no where it states that is is predicated on belief or a requirement for salvation.

I just need to see a succinct scripturally based outline.


TV

[quote author=m.k.o2005]Concerning marriage bein made for mankind,i asked again,what was the original intention for God making man in his own image and likeness ? May be to be disobedient and become God's enemy ![/quote]I don't think any one is making this claim.

[quote author=m.k.o2005]Concerning believers having certain mores to follow,wouldn't it hav been perfect if all were believers so we just follow and not to have certain mores to follow ?[/quote]This point doesn't buttress your claim, as one day we will all be, but guess what? marriage will no longer be, having been done away with.

[quote author=m.k.o2005]All perfect gift come from God and marriage is not an exception !God intended for man kind to be perfect and received one of the perfect gifts(marriage)from HIM. BUT WHAT HAPPENED ? Did God withdrew the gift of marriage from HIS creation ? NO! Because HE knows there will be a plan B to bring mankind back into HIS embrace ![/quote]Gods concept and institution of marriage remains perfect - I argue that fact day in and day out here - it's men and women that fall short. And as above, with full restoration, marriage will become a moot point.

[quote author=m.k.o2005]When you say there were no believers at that time,i began to wonder who Adam/Eve were while in the garden before the deception of the devil(serpent)Don't you know that there was an instruction regarding do's and dont's ? They were keeping off the fruits of those trees becos God gave an instruction and THEY OBEYED-making them BELIEVERS. When the serpent came,deceived them,they ate from that tree,thereby DISOBEYING GOD-making the UNBELIEVERS ! So why are you saying that there were no believers then ? Do you think God placed curses on them for OBEYING HIM ? NO,it was because of their DISOBEDIENCE.The relationship with God was immediately severed ! Belief was in view hence the blessing of the marriage union ![/quote]Please re-read, I said no such thing. And made the point that as marriage was given before unbelief became an issue, why force the point that marriage is not meant for unbelievers.

[quote author=m.k.o2005]Concerning what sin -disobedience did to marriage,it brought curses(hard labour in child bearing & hard labour in surviving ! Just to mention a few) into the marriage BUT left the initial blessings of God(fruitfulness,subdue and the rest)in the marraige.[/quote]I humbly disagree. Sin did not affect marriage, it affected mankind and their ability to correctly apprehend it. Marriage remained the perfect gift - as you stated - bestowed by God.

[quote author=m.k.o2005]I repeat,i am not saying that unbelievers should not marry,neither am i saying that [b]GOD SAID [/b]they shouldn't,all i'm saying is that the original plan of God for marriage was for mankind who were made to be in the image & likeness of God to be OBEDIENT(believers)of their maker,GOD ![/quote]How about God did not have a plan for marriage, he had a plan for mankind. Marriage was something given to mankind. You appear to elevate what was made for man over man. The gift over whom it was given too.

[quote author=m.k.o2005]God help us[/quote]Amen

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TV

Ihedinobi: Hi TV It's wonderful to hear from you again.

How far? I trust you are journeying well.

Ihedinobi: Briefly, God meant marriage for man. The proper definition of man is that which is in the Image of God. The only One Whom we know is that Image is the Man Jesus Christ. And Christians are all men and women who are in Him. Thus, marriage is meant for Christians alone.

This still sounds somewhat forced, kind of assertive imho. It begs an endless number of questions. Especially in real life. Please think about this. Further, are we saying that any scripture which makes reference to a "wife" - not specific people i.e. Rachael wife of Jacob - is only speaking to believers?

Ihedinobi: However, His rain falls on the just and the unjust. He will acknowledge (perhaps not the best word to use) alliances made by unbelievers and make of them the same demand that He makes of alliances between believers: a holy seed. That which fails to meet the demand will be uprooted and thrown into the fire as a lie.

Same here. So many questions; what demands, how can unbelievers match believers, let alone grasp and meet the demands of God.

I'd like something clearly underpinning this claim.

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TV