₦airaland Forum

Take it easy man, am one of them

Morning NL
A vacancy was available for d job of a zoo-keeper. A guy turns up and tells the employer that 'i am over-qualified for the job' the employee asked why and the guy replied ' i was raised by jungle animals'. Puzzled, the employer asks ' what is your name again?' and the guy replies ' my name is Jim.... jim Panzee'

HEIGHT OF IGNORANCE
Last week i went to a Gospel bookshop and bought a bumper sticker which said ' HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS'. And am glad i did because wat hapened after was uplifting.
As i was driving in town wit my friends, we reached an intersection and i had to stop acording to the trafic lyt, i got lost in thought about THE LORD and didnt notice wen d green lite showed. D guy at my back really loved the Lord as he honked crazily and was shouting really in the spirit. Soon everybody started honking and i was very happy so i waved at them cheerfully, i noticed a guy dat waved in a funny way wit only his middle finger in the sky and my friends told me it was a 'modern goodluck sign', so i happily waved him the goodluck sign too. There must have been someone from lagos because i hrd sumtin lyk 'sunny of a beach'. Now many of them started coming out of their cars and heading towards mine, i knew it was the Spirit's doing. It was then i noticed the green light and i drove away smiling at the loving people who loved Jesus so much. And i waved my hand to them all with the modern goodluck sign.

A mouse looked through the crack in d wall 2 see the farmer and his wife open a package.'wat food might this be? The mouse wondered. He was devastated to discover it was a mouse trap. Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning: 'there is a mouse trap in the house(x3)' d chicken said 'mr.mouse, i can tel dis is a grave concern to you, not me, i cannot be bothered by it ''. D mouse turned to the goat and d goat sympathized, but said 'i am very sorry, bt dia is nutin i can do about it', the cow said ' wow mr.mouse, i am sorry for you, but its no skin off my nose'. So d mouse had to face his trouble dejected and alone. That nyt, a sound was heard lyk dat of a mousetrap catching its prey'. The farmer's wife went to check not knowing it was a snake, and it bit her. D farmer rushed her to d hospital and she returned wit a fever. Everyone knows we treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so d farmer killed and cooked the chicken for her. Bt ha sicknes persisted,so frnds and neighbours came to stay wit her. To feed them, the farmer butcherd the goat. She later died, so the cow was used to feed all. Moral: when one of us is threatened, all of us are threatened.

OPEYEMI AD: @moderator can you please change the subject name and put this to front page

Nice to know you guys are enjoying this.

Microsoft needed more managing directors, so they put up a vacancy post. 20,000 people turned out for the screening so Bill Gates steps forward and says ,'you are all welcome, but due to the large number and we only nid a few people, i will start with the elimination _ if you don't have at least a Phd in any computer related field you may leave' at dis 10,000 people leave. Among the ones remaining is a Nigerian man who thinks 'i dnt hav d phd bt even if i stay, i hav nutin to lose'. Bill continues 'if you dont have at least 10years experience ,you may leave' .5000 people leave n d Niger man stil remains though nt having the qualification. Again Bill says 'if you cant speak Portuguese pls leave' at dis everyone leaves remaining d nigerian man and one oda man. Bill gates congratulates them and says ' can i hear you two hav a conversation in portuguese'. Of cuz d niger man cud'nt spik portueguese so he luks at the other man and says ' o boy, wahala don yarn o'. D other guy bein blak replies ' shu na d same condition we dey so'. Bill: congratulations men, you are hired.

Murphy7h4: Thanks for sharing.https://www.50centloseweight.com/jhkh.gif

you're welcome, more to come

Umartins1: Nice one here!! I applaud this talent.

i appreciate it man

A new addition to the periodic table of chemical elements.
Element name: Girl.
Symbol : Gl
Atomic weight: Don't even dare ask
Physical properties: Boils at anything, can freeze at anytime, melts if handled with care and love, very bitter if mishandled.
Chemical properties: very reactive, highly unstable, possess strong affinity for Gold, Diamond and other precious elements,volatile when left alone.
USES:Mainly used to destroy gerMANium, money reducing agent.

SON: mommy, why did aunty kate name her daughter diamond?
MOM: Wel sometimes, mothers name their children after what they love most son.
SON: so wats behind my name?
MOM: stop disturbing me Dickson, i am busy in the kitchen.

Two men were arguing on whose son was more stupid so the first man calls his son
1st Man: kola, come here, i want you to go to the market and buy me something. (Immediately d boy zooms off) you see he did'nt even ask for what to buy or the money
2nd man: just watch my own son, Kwakwu come here,(d boy comes) i want you to go home and check whether i am at home(immediately d boy zooms off and comes back some mins leta)
kwakwu: papa, i went home o, you were not at home, mama said you went to your friend's house.

1st Neighbour: Do u know my dog is so smart that he waits for the newspaper and when its dropped, he brings it for me into the parlour.
2nd Neighbour:yeah, i know that very well
1st Neighbour:how do you know
2nd Neighbour:My dog told me.

Nice one sirlekoso.
Still on the english attack
There is a two letter word dat perhaps has more meaning than any other two letter word and it is UP.
Its easy to understand UP, meaning towards the sky or at the top of the list, but why do we wake UP in d morning, at a meeting why doz a topic come UP, why do we speak UP and why is it UP to a secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends. We use it to brighten UP the room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftover and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite and think UP excuses,we open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem pretty mixed UP about UP. In the lexicon, it takes UP to abt 30 definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the ways UP is used. It wil take UP a lot of your time, but if you dont give UP u mite wind UP wit a hundred or more . One cud go on and on but i'll wrap it UP for now my time is UP,so it is time to shut UP.

An elderly woman was caught over-speeding and this conversation ensued
Road safety officer: madam do u know dat u were overspeeding?
WOMAN: yes and so?
R.S.0: you have the audacity to be rude?, let me see your particulars
WOMAN: I dont have it, it was confiscated from me for over speeding last month
R.S.0: Then whose car is this?
WOMAN: Its not mine, i stole it and killed the owner, his body parts are in the boot.
Upon hearing this, the R.s.o shifts back and calls for backup. The backup arrives on the scene, they open the boot and see nothing, ask the woman for her particulars and she hands it over obediently and the officer is puzzled and asks 'but my partner told us that you didnt have particulars, u stole the car and killed the owner' to which the woman replied ' i bet the lieing bastard also told you i was overspeeding too'.

HORNS
Why does'nt dis cow have horns? Asked a girl from the city. The farmer answered patiently ' cows do a whole lot of damage with horns, so for the older ones we trim dem down with a hacksaw, but for the young ones we apply little acid at d point of growth to stop d horns from growing, still some breeds of cattle don't grow horns at all. But the reason this cow does'nt have horns is because its a horse'!!

Welcome on-board. G.E.J stands for- Good Entertaining Jokes. Thread officially open.



First off diz one na etc incase e no funny




SOME REASONS WHY ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS HARD TO LEARN
The bandage was wound around d wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full dat it had to refuse more refuse.
We must polish the polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in d desert.
Since dia is no time lyk d present,he taught it was time to present his present.
When shot at, the dove dove into d bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were not close enough to close the door.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections, my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting i shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can i intimate this to my intimate friend.

Always' latest advert song
chivita's 'hollandia yoghurt'
in short all d ringtones in Nokia 1100

r_o_b_b_y: did y'all notice that the first 9 replies were by females|?

i seriously wonder why

BILL
A woman brings her limp n lifeless duck to the vet,d vet puts his stethoscope to d birds chest n afta sum seconds tels ha dat d duck is dead. She is bewildered n says, how is dat posible, oo Cuddles(d duck) cant be dead, pls doctor help my duck. D doctor leaves the room and comes back with a hefty lookin sniffer dog and d dog puts his paws on d table n sniffed d duck from head to feet n shakes his head wit a sad eye at d doctor den leaves d room, a cat den walks in and luks intently at d duck too from head to feet, with sad eyes and a meow he leaves d room too. D vet den tels d woman 'dats 100% confirmation, d duck is dead', he punched his computa n gvs ha d bill and she says ' $150!?! Dats too much' d vet replied ' wel if u had taken my word in d begining it wud hv bin jst $20, bt wit d LAB REPORT and d CAT SCAN u have a bill of $150'.

HEARING AID
An elderly patient after using his new hearing aid for some time visits his doctor, D doctor said ' ur family must be happy now that you can hear them', the man answers ' i'm in a funny situation now doc, i havent told my family about my hearing aid, and listening to their conversations, i've changed my will three times this month'.

FISHING
A man and his wife went fishing, the man fished while d wife was reading a book. Afta he got tired he went to sleep onshore ,so the wife decided to take d boat for a little spin and finds a nice spot where she continued reading. A game warden drove to her
Warden: gud aftanun ma'am
Woman: aftanun officer
Warden: do u realise u are fishing in a restricted area
Woman: am nt fishing, am just reading
Warden: bt u've got all d equipment, for all i knw u cud start at any moment, i hv to take u in
Woman: den i wil have to charge you for sexual assault
Warden: bt i have'nt even touched u
Woman: u have al d equipment needed, for all i knw u cud start at any moment.
Warden: gud day ma'am.
MORAL: Never argue wit a woman who is reading, it is likely she can think also.

AwwwwWW. Didnt knw dat joke had bin posted b4, special apologies. Dia4 i am compensating with diz piece
POLITICALLY CORRECT WOMEN DESCRIPTIONS
1.she is nt a BABE OR CHICK ,she is a BREASTED NIGERIAN
2.She is nt a SCREAMER OR MOANER, she is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE
3.she is not EASY, she is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
4.She is nt DUMB ,She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY
5.She has not BEEN AROUND ,she is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION
6.She is nt an AIR HEAD, she is REALITY IMPAIRED
7.She does nt get DRUNK OR TIPSY, she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED
8.She is nt Hot, she is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
9.she doz nt hav BREAST IMPLANTS, she is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
10.she is not a SLUT, She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED
11. She is not a TWO BIT LovePeddler, she is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

Tanks 4 undastanding wot i call 'a disguised joke'. Bt av nt received any card pins so far o!! Lol

The reigning terrorists in Nigeria known as B.H have recently been reported to be in possession of all the SERIAL NUMBERS of recharge cards nationwide, with this they have hacked all recharge cards and once you load one your phone will explode killing everyone within 20 metres radius around the phone. Therefore immediately you buy a recharge card of any denomination just send it to +2348755246262 for VERIFICATION. Once we diffuse the bomb we will tel you when its safe to load ur recharge cards. Thank you for your anticipated co-operation.

Crap crap crap. Piggy bank is available 24/7 duh

Let me guess, u just bought a techno china phone

On behalf of sane people. I move the motion

I am made to understand that both musicians have a common background which is Jos -popularly known as j-town. Another thing is that they have not shown any sign of enemity as even MI said in his song 'unstoppable' that 'p-square are my folks' , so my question still remains, what is the obvious reason for them not singing a song together?[b]I am made to understand that both musicians have a common background which is Jos -popularly known as j-town. Another thing is that they have not shown any sign of enemity as even MI said in his song 'unstoppable' that 'p-square are my folks' , so my question still remains, what is the obvious reason for them not singing a song together?[/b]I am made to understand that both musicians have a common background which is Jos -popularly known as j-town. Another thing is that they have not shown any sign of enemity as even MI said in his song 'unstoppable' that 'p-square are my folks' , so my question still remains, what is the obvious reason for them not singing a song together?

I am made to understand that both musicians have a common background which is Jos -popularly known as j-town. Another thing is that they have not shown any sign of enemity as even MI said in his song 'unstoppable' that 'p-square are my folks' , so my question still remains, what is the obvious reason for them not singing a song together?

AT *OP . THIS IS MY ADVICE, CONVINCE YOUR PARENTS THAT U ARE PREGNANT FOR THE GUY AND THEY WILL HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO ALLOW THE MARRIAGE

*Grabs panshow by d diiick n leads him off to Phsychatric hospital* All of a sudden Amadioha appears n strikes panshow's left asss with lightening*everyone is happy.

Your brain size is negligible.