₦airaland Forum

@ op, if this was your story then you are only looking for excuses for your dissatisfaction with life.

People go through struggles at every stage of their lives, this could be due to myriad of factors but to solely blame it on one's father's absence is (forgive my harsh words) not responsible.

I lost my father about 22 years ago when I was just a teenager and needed all the mentoring I could get.

Do I miss him? Yes.

Do I think life could have been easier? Definitely

But it made me know early that life is not a joke and I had to buckle up and face it squarely and mature up quickly.

God gave me father figures who filled the Gap and I He helped me at crossroads where a father's word could come in handy.

Now i can say I turned out okay and I cannot be said to fare behind those whose Father are alive.

I know it's not by my physical effort but all I am saying is stop crying over what you cannot change. Man up and you will begin to see life from a different perspective.

Elesta:
Hello family, I have a long post about my terrible marriage. Please bear with me, I just have to pour everything out because it's killing me slowly.
I am in my mid 30's ,got married to this man in his mid 40's who has never been married before.We attend the same church although different branches, so the pastor of his branch and the pastor of my branch brought us together. We started dating and he seemed head over heels and started talking about marriage immediately. At first, the way he was talking and his reaction to things I wasn't interested and I even told him, but he begged me and the pastor begged me so I overlooked and continued especially considering my age. If I wasn't in my mid 30's and if I hadn't done fibroid operation and so, eager to take in, I won't have made this terrible mistake. We also work in the same place so everything seemed perfect.

Now we started making wedding plans just after one month of dating and we got married 4months after because of church process. It seemed blissful but I stumbled on his messages with a lady he was saying before me and eventually at the same time with me. I discovered he kept begging n begging her even while me n him were dating .he kept telling her to agree to attend his church or dey can be going to their separate churches but the girl kept insisting that they should attend the same church. I. e. he should leave his church and she will leave hers. Don't get me wrong, if this had happened before we started dating, I wouldn't have gotten angry. but all these happened while we were serious and even after he came to see my father, I discovered he was still pleading with her as per church matter. Who does that?? So what if she had agreed for the church matter, he would have dumped me n embarrassed my dad??

I brought it to his notice and he kept saying he never meant it, he was just using it as an excuse not to marry her.

Now in the marriage, emotional abuse never ends. Just fewonths into the marriage, he started behaving somehow bcoz I hadn't taken in. all kinds of insults oh. one day, he said if he knew I couldn't have children he won't have married me. this was just 4months into d marriage. any little thing he complains. on weekends, he expects me to get up by 7am m start preparing his breakfast oh. weekend which is supposed to b for resting since we work Monday to Friday. Every little thing, he keeps saying if he knew he won't have married me.
I still remember how he slapped me several times, he insulted me n i insulted him back, that was what caused d slap. even when he saw me crying he wasn't moved. I have complained to family members and friends ,they have spoken to him, he will change for a while and later go back to his terrible ways.
I have never seen this kind of acrimony between couple. I am not a bad looking person, I have dated people in d past, they didn't treat me half as badly as this one. I was just too unserious. I want to leave this torture. but we work in the same place and I am trying to avoid wagging tongues. I just tired. I have seen and experienced mutual love and it's not like this. I long to share love with someone that loves me just the way I am. I don't deserve to be with this animal. When it comes to food, he eats so angry if his food isn't ready on time.

Please I need advice. he went for test n it was discovered he has low sperm count. that made him humble for some fine but recently he started saying again that if he had married a younger lady, d lady would have been pregnant by now. just imagine this kind of torture. God knows I have absorbed so much from this man

This will be long but I would like you to follow me through it:

First, I don't want you to see your age or the age difference between you and your husband as an issue or the reason why there are issues. There are many marriages with the same age character that are doing well. Also, the fact that your pastors introduced you to each other is immaterial. There is always an avenue to meet. It might be through pastors, parents or even friends. I am sure your pastor will not knowingly push you into something dangerous. Besides, you two are adults and you had the right to back out at any point in time.

Secondly, it is not unusual for couples to have issues in the first two years of marriage Irrespective of whether you courted for 4 months or 40 years. Marriage is a different ball game entirely and usually there is a period of 'sizing up' by both parties. This is also the period where necessary adjustments are made if the marriage will last. The issue could range from delay in child bearing (as in your case) to money/finance issues, to inability to Balance family and work to lack of communication and so on. So you have to understand that you are not alone. It's not about your fibriod operation or that your time was running out, it's a phase that if handled right will pass and you will become wiser for it.

As for the lady in question, is he still seeing her? If he is then that changes the eqaution but if he is not, the only thing I can say is forgive and move on. It painful but you stand to gain nothing from thinking about what could have been if what didn't happen had happened. Save yourself the ache and let it go.

Even if he didn't have low sperm count, It was wrong to blame you for the delay in conception. However, he might (note the word might) only be using it as a weapon because he knows that that is a subject that will touch you. To him it might be more as a weapon of war than a statement of his state of mind.

The abuse: I will never condone physical abuse no matter the provocation. But having said that, you need to understand that every person has a trigger point, once you know it, stay away and there will be relative peace. Also let me say that women are more powerful than they know. And, there are wiser ways to this power to their advantage. But YOU CANNOT CHANGE A MAN THROUGH CONFRONTATION much less by insulting him. Instead you will put him on the defense and he will probably react.

As for you waking up by 7am on Saturday; I feel it's something you can always work around. For instance If you know that is what he wants, prepare his meal before hand such that if you need to wake up it's just to warm it up for him. There are other creative ways to work around it.

Comparing your marriage to other relationships you have had will not do you much good. The fact is that you are not married to any of your ex's so you need to face the reality. Also the fact that you work in the same place as should not be what is tying you down if you feel that you cannot cope any longer.

You said you have not seen so much acrimony, my sister you will be shocked if people tell you what is going on behind the fanciful smiles and lovely couple pictures. Some are managing it while others are working their way through it. It's called life.

You wrote that 'you don't deserve to live with this animal' that tells me two things: 1) if you could write this about him, you have told him worse things to his face (or at least thought of). 2) if you opened your eyes and married an animal then......
What I am saying is that you need to control your reactions, temper and tongue. I am not saying he is totally right. I am saying you both don't have to be wrong.

Lastly, given what you have written, your marriage is not beyond redemption. However, it depends on if you want to make it work. I will suggest the following;

A) develop a thicker skin to his words. See them as a means to get to you so don't let his words control how you feel.

B) I feel that you need to pickup books on how to make marriage work. You will be amazed at the level of insight you will find

C) look for slightly older marriages (5-10years) that can mentor you. People who walked your path not too long ago that can hold your hands through the journey.

D) look at what is good (or what good is left) in him. You mentioned that he pays the bills. That is more that what a lot of married women out there are praying for.

E) the God factor. I am a Christian and I know God answers prayers. However, the prayer is not to change him (at least in the immediate), the prayer is to change you so that you will make the necessary adjustments thereby eliciting the right response from him. Also, that your conception will easily come forth.

Sorry for writing an Epistle but I hope it helps.

This is strictly the opinion of the writer. And, he is entiltled to it. True marriages these days are not what they should be but there are a lot of people having great times in their marriage. Though the bad ones get more publicity than the good ones but there are a good number of good ones out there.

Anyone can get angry at men, society or even religion but for a woman, having a life companion, -someone you can feel completely at home with, free without any inhibitions or shame, having your back at any point in time. Someone you can look up to as a friend, mentor, a good father to your children and even someone to get vent on - is the happiest thing that can happen to one.

The caveat however is making the right choice.

The truth is that women who know how powerful they are know that they are the ones controlling the home. Not the man. The problem most women have is that they think it's by confrontation. When that doesn't work they start crying foul.

No doubt marriage is a truest test of One's character but if one gets it right it can be heaven on Earth.

I am for finding ways for people to make right choices and making their marriages work rather than discouraging them completely.

Yes, I am married........ 11 years and counting.

Turksat 45 deg east. 1m dish

Turksat 45 deg east. 1m disg

Qautar vs Nigeria live on RTS1 on 16deg east

Tochime:
I need 1 meter dish in Lagos.

Got the 0.9m 2k last

mahkanjuh:
U don't have 1meter or 1.8m?

No.

Got a 0.6 and a 0.9m dish for sale. N1, 500 for the 0.6m and 2,000 for the 0.9m

One advantage of being rich is that it gives you the opportunity to encounter problems that money cannot solve.

A poor man thinks all his problems is money but when he becomes wealthy he understands that money is a mirage.

The reason for have financial resources is to be comfortable and have the means to pursue purpose.
Being rich for the sake of being rich leaves a lot of emptiness. That is why some at the peak of their careers and profession fall into depression, go into drugs and even commit suicide. It's because there is a void in there that the fame and fortune cannot fill.

Having money though good is the lowest form of prosperity. Good health is higher, good family/relationship is higher and so on. So when anyone pursues money and leave those things they come back to haunt him/her.

The trick is to have a ballanced perspective. You need money to fulfil purpose and help people. But when you chase money and leave other important things, you can turn out worse off.

Bimsake:
Hello everyone, I'm looking for a responsible man willing to co-parent with me. I'm a divorcee with one child hoping to have one more before I turn 40 which is around the corner. I haven't been fortunate with love so I'm not really looking to remarry. I'm open to a civil partnership without undue pressure. Otherwise I'm fine with you being in your child's life only and doing the needful. If you're out there hopingto have kids without the pressure or commitment of marriage,do get in touch. Cheers.

Sorry, I might sound harsh but what you are looking for is not a 'responsible' man. If you you are alomost 40, then the man you are looking for will be around that age or maybe slightly older. Generally, no 'responsible' man in his fourties will want to just sit with you in a 'civil partnership' with the sole aim of helping you to raise your child. Most men in that age bracket are either raising their families or planning to raise one. Except the ones that just want an affair with you.

Personally, I think you are not going about it in a right way. You have concluded that you have not been fortunate with love (I guess after your marriage failed) and have decided to loose total hope in marriage. I am not saying you should just jump into marriage with the next person but u giving up all hope of finding another suitable person is unfair to yourself. If you have had a bad experience working in an office and you resigned I am sure you will not give up all hope of working altogether. You posted this in this dead of the night which shows that apart from raising your child you need companionship. A co-parent as you described it will not fill that in-depth longing of your soul.

You mentioned that you are fine with someone who will be with you without the pressure of marriage. What anyone who is reading will read is that 'you want someone who can walk in and walk out of your life'. So you already have a child you are raising out of wedlock (for want of better words) and your are looking forward to having another one in the same position. I don't know the details of your experience in your previous marriage but I am sure it was not a pleasant one hence your decision to quit. However, The truth is there is no pressure in marriage except the one brought to it by the participants. Marriage doesn't have to be full of strife and rancor. That is another discussion for another day.

My suggestion is as follows:

1) that you take time to heal from the hurt of your divorce. Can go for counselling or with older people around you who have possibly gone through it and have pulled through. I am a believer and I know there is no better counsel than that which the Holy Spirit and the word gives. It is available, free and without prejudice. This will take time but with consistence you will get to a place you will remember the whole event(s) without pain.

2) i don't know how old your child is, but in the meantime, let him/her get involved in right groups in the school or religious places so as to have access to good mentors that can fill that void in his/her life.

3) get close to your creator, He is the only one who can work it out for your good.

I wish you all the best.

If you were my sister, I would tell you to stay with someone who is stable and has future plans for you.

For starters, relationships can create a blind spot with one such that there are some things (good or bad) that it takes outsiders to see. Especially if more than one person is saying the same thing.

For me feeling/ chemistry is a dime a dozen that is, it comes and goes but love is a decision. Also, as you grow older, things that excite you about life changes and so is your needs in a man. In the next 15 years, you won't just be looking at someone that is handsome and makes you laugh, you will need a good father to your children and someone your family and friends will respect.

As for his 'traditional' side, this is a function of where he is coming from and how he was raised. But all of that can be adjusted with right the attitude and presentation. Generally, when a man knows his wife respect him, he is more favourably disposed to listening to her. Actually, women who understand that wield a lot of subtle power than even they know.

As for the new guy, the question is, would you feel the same way about him as you feel now in 10 years time? The answer will tell you which choice to make.

This is not about you staying single till your fourties or the difficulty of marrying from another tribe, it is about making a choice you won't regret.

My 2 cents

Lukewarm:
I am at crossroads in my relationship life right now.

On one hand, I've got this great dude I've been with for some years. Everyone thinks he's perfect for me because he's ready to be responsible and settle down, then he also plans for the future.

But the problem?

We don't seem to have that connection or chemistry. I find it hard just telling him I love him. But everyone keeps ringing it into my ear that he's one of the good guys and there are quite a few out there. So I promised myself to respect him and hope that is enough to keep a marriage going.

Then on to the minor thing:
1. He's a traditional guy. He believes all a woman needs to do is cook, clean, and conceive. He believes a lot of things are frivolities and a wife has got little to no say in the house.

This really badgers me.

But hey! He's one of the few good ones available.....right?

Then I got a shocker.

I met someone 2 months ago and its been a totally crazy and new experience for me.

It's the first time I've seen someone share the same warped sense of humour I've got. First time I'd meet someone that shares a lot of common interest with me. First time someone will creep into my subconscious and make me smile or even lol at something goofy he did or said.

Now, it's got me thinking:

Is respect really enough?

But my family is having none of that second thoughts. It so happens they'd conveniently bring up the story of a really distant aunt that lost her opportunity to marry by saying No to someone and is still a spinster at 45.

And it really isn't helping matters that my new POI is from a different tribe and isn't set for settling now.

So conflicted.


:-

.

This is a public forum so there is a limit to the things we can say here. The truth that after health issues, finance/debt is the next most excruciating problem to bear so I have an idea of what you are going through.

First of all you have to separate your financial pressure from your need for job. This is what I am saying: with what you have put up here, you sound desperate and anyone who offers you a job will be doing so in order to 'help' you and not necessarily because you are qualified for it or that you are good at it.

On the other hand, when you get the job, you are first thinking of the unmet needs not necessarily how you can be at the peak of your game or adding good value to your employer. Either way you wouldn't get a permanent solution to the issues. You will only look forward to the paycheck and nothing else. This would lead to frustration in the long run.

You need to clear your head. This might mean dropping your child(ren) with your family, friend or the(ir) father.
Then take time to pray (in the spirit if you are a Christian) and ask for directions. Also, you can do everything the poster above me suggested. At this time what you need is a miracle but you won't even see it even if it's in from of you when you are under pressure and can't think straight.

I have been in your shoes before and God has come through for me. Yours will not be an exception

shachris02:
Go for another test. Could be a mistake. It happens all the time.

Seconded. Get a second opinion, even possibly a third in a government hospital

kiboe:
No vex waka go front.

15k

[quote author=stalyf post=74299585]10K.
Location[/quo dote]

15k

yettymuse:
Dear Op, I hope you have your own money, because the tone from your narration reeks of dependency from the crumbs that falls off that psychopath`s table!

If you do, prepare yourself to leave that psychiatric home you call marriage!

You're few yards away from RIP if you continue to 'endure', suffer, smile and keep up appearances!.

"What will people say"... Forget the society, nobody cares about you!

Peace!

Nigerians, una sabi name names o. You don already dey call the man psychopath even without knowing anything about him save few lines from the wife. You already concluded that a marriage she has been in for 11years a now psychiatric home. Na wa for una o.

Back to the topic, when there is an issue like this, usually the blame is enough to go round. I believe all that you have said. I also believe there is more you have not said. If the first time he laid hands on you was 3 years ago (8 years into the marriage) and then this recent incident there must have been specific trigger points. It maybe the timing of the issues, working related added stress or influence of new friends.

The fact that you accused him of infidelity and he reacted in such manner does not mean he is guilty. He might actually be Fighting in his mind to stay faithful to you in the face if the temptation presented by the other woman and you are there accusing him of infidelity. I am not supporting him, I am just trying to give another perspective in which case he might react the same way. Let me say again, I don't support domestic violence. Let me also say that even if he is cheating, confrontation/ force /abuses is not the way to make him stop.

As for this recent incident, I feel sorry about what you have been through. I don't think there should be any reason for him to lay his hands on you, but in retrospect I feel you could have prevented it from escalating to the level of physical abuse. I mean this is a man you have been married to for 11 years you should by now know a couple of things about him. As for the malice, I personally feel it is immature for adults to keep malice for any period more than 24 hours. And, there is nothing wrong with being the one to break the ice and initiate the 'talk' it only shows that you are more mature - at least in this situation. However, you must take concrete steps to stop the physical abuse. Look for someone who he respects and can call him to order and get him/her involved. It has to stop.

My dear, marriage is the truest test on one's character. It is the only place where you have to live with each other's imperfections and make the best out of each other. I don't believe he or the marriage is beyond redemption but it depends on your willingness to take the necessary steps.

The issue might be more than 'meets the eyes'. I am sure it someone asked your wife she will have her reasons. It maybe she thinks that you are being taken advantage of since you have the means and you are the first. Also, she might think that there are other 'beneficial' things you can do with the money that will have direct impact on the family. Whatever the reason is, you have to understand her point of view.

Having said that, you have to redefine 'transparency' in your marriage. The motive might be good but if not managed very well, it could be a source of disagreement.

This is what I am saying, if someone tells you that your wife has a bad dress sense and you immediately reprove per person for saying so and the person apologises. Then you get home and you tell your wife what the person said just because you are been transparent, your wife will most likely not warm up to the person when next she sees the person while you have everything even forgotten the whole episode.

My point is, transparency should be on a need to know
basis. If something will not affect her directly or will not have a negative effect on the whole family, there is no need to tell her. You will actually protect her and also yourself from from unnecessary quarrels.

My 2 cents.

The first question to ask is, is there an active friction/quarrel between them? If there is, you should make active move to placate the two of them. If not then your wife is in the wrong.

Think of it this way, if your mother didn't raise you and give you education you wouldn't be there for her to marry. After all your mother's investment, she came and 'took' you. The least she could do is at least to go the extra mile is communicating with her. It doesn't have to be a long conversation. Just general greeting is okay.

Also, how would you feel if (God forbid) your mother dies suddenly and you know she has not spoken with your feet in 4 months? How would you feel if tables were turned and your (wife's) son in-law does the same?

Don't get me wrong, I am not saying your child Should be subservient to your mother. Relationship cannot be forced but courtesy demands that she doesn't wait for your mother to call before contacting her.

Abuwaleed:
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the number you gave is not correct. I dialled it. You can contact me on my signature. I might be needing your services also.

Guy, you want me to be blunt with you? Grow up. Move out of the house if you are staying with them. Change your number . Change your church if need be. Give yourself a brand new start. If you have been supporting them before now, you should not feel guilty for concentrating on your life.

You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of hurts and resentments. Loose that job and see that NOBODY cares about you. And at this rate, even when you marry, they will see your wife as the enemy standing between them and their bread. God forbid anything happens to you they will show her pepper.


I was in your Shoes a long time ago. I was the go-to guy for everything in the family until I got married and realised that I was better off cutting everybody off -at least for a few years. Later everyone came around and they now know their boundaries. When I say something is not available, it is not available. That is the way I got delivered.

There is no big deal to it. Don't try to explain to anyone. They will not understand. They do not need to understand.

Don't let anybody deceive you. IT IS POSSIBLE. the rule of thumb is 1) Don't date someone who believes otherwise 2) don't have close friends who believe otherwise. It doesn't mean they are bad. It only means they will make you vulnerable.

I married my wife a virgin she was 27 years. We courted for 3 years and no sex. Now we are married 10 years with 2 kids.

Pls add me 08052141582

BanjiHols:
We are re opening our group to serious 5 serious cash ready people who can pay today. ASAP ..You will be added to the group and you will see the transparency and progress we have made so far. I am in Ikom presently and ready to make a purchase of J5 full of cameroon tomatoes.

If you are ready asap mention this message i will add you to the group.Thanks

Any of you guys considered Renmoney? Their rate is about 14%for 1m and above.

First of all, you need to know that the body we will have in heaven will be different from what we have now. Though our memories will be intact, our minds will be different because the sinful nature will no more be there so the things we enjoy here will have no value there. Our bodies will be without blood which means no digestion and no hunger(though we will have the ability to eat if we want to). It also means all hormones responsible for lust, envy hatred and all the works if the flesh will not be there. Of course there will be no male or female so there will be no 'nice shapes or six pack' the definition beauty will be different....let me stop there

As for what we will be doing, we will be enjoying the presece of God. Meeting people of old, Peter, Paul,the martyr and the rest. We will visit eat from the tree of life and drink from the rivers if living water. Finally, put in mind that eternity not time without limit, It is timelessness. We will loose thesense of time so the question of boredom doesn't arise.

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godspeed:
The cheapest fangpusun I found on the internet is about 80k

With that kind of money, is it not better he gets one more panel and epever of say 20 amps for around 30k?

Just asking

You will get a 50a mppt from Juo. Less than 50k

How much to clear 1999/20000 Toyota Sienna

good evening, how much will land a 1999/2000 Toyota Sienna

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How much will land this in Lagos