Nice one there alutacontinua.
Let's face it, breaking up a long term relationship can be difficult; you feel a part of u is missing or something but you need to have a serious conversation with yourself and ask yourself the question aluta posted above.
Also ask yourself: if per adventure u miss his call while in the restroom or your phone was deep in your bag and you couldn't pick it on time, do you dread his next call cos of the reaction and missiles that will come your way?

Just take an inventory of your relationship. Think long and hard before making any decision.

bluuu... I am so sorry, I wasn't in a good mood... @aluta, I know I over reacted.. I was just angry that if she continued with the dude and he later abused her, she might/will join the band wagon of those that will be labelling "All guys" as the same..

bluuu: pls I av a complaint.i was discussing wt my guy one day n he said if I tell him no sex wen he wants(even if I try to convince him) it, dt he wil beat me,he ws serious with it. at tyms wen I dnt pick his call probably I was not there or didn't hear my phone ring,he wil send me text lik 'pick my call if u dnt want my trouble'. wenever he calls, he liks to enquire abt everything-where I am,wat im doing,who i'm with etc.he calls a lot n if I say no(not because I m doing sth bad but because I wanna prove to him to stop uneccessary questions),he wil start getting angry.
pls advice me,i love him a lot.
tnx bt pls no insult

Bluu, you are still young so you have a few more years. My advice for you is not to break up with him. He has not hit you (yet) and even though he says it, it might just be the way he talks. I will say do not plan any marriage yet but dont send him away either. Continue to observe him and watch out for obvious abusive traits. He seems a decent guy but you need to watch out for any anomalies. May I ask how old is he? Also so what was his background like? Is he from an abusive home?

I will say jut stay there for now.

bluuu: pls I av a complaint.i was discussing wt my guy one day n he said if I tell him no sex wen he wants(even if I try to convince him) it, dt he wil beat me,he ws serious with it. at tyms wen I dnt pick his call probably I was not there or didn't hear my phone ring,he wil send me text lik 'pick my call if u dnt want my trouble'. wenever he calls, he liks to enquire abt everything-where I am,wat im doing,who i'm with etc.he calls a lot n if I say no(not because I m doing sth bad but because I wanna prove to him to stop uneccessary questions),he wil start getting angry.
pls advice me,i love him a lot.
tnx bt pls no insult

I am worried for you because he is clearly a bully. Most people don't realise that emotional abuse is usuallythe 1st stage and then it escalates. Already he is threatening you, what happens when you are his wife? He also sounds very controlling which is a classic chrateristic of an abuser. Honestly I know it may not be easy but it is best if you leave that guy. Things will only get worse with time especially if you marry him as such a man will see you as his property. Imagine him treating you like this when he has no rights over you!

Nashville:

Bluu, you are still young so you have a few more years. My advice for you is not to break up with him. He has not hit you (yet) and even though he says it, it might just be the way he talks. I will say do not plan any marriage yet but dont send him away either. Continue to observe him and watch out for obvious abusive traits. He seems a decent guy but you need to watch out for any anomalies. May I ask how old is he? Also so what was his background like? Is he from an abusive home?

I will say jut stay there for now.

You hear that Bluu? He has not beat you yet. Please stay put and wait for obvious abusive traits, alright? Obvious traits like broken ribs, bleeding into the brain, coma or death, okay? I mean, what could be more obvious than these?

Why pay attention to the early signs of emotional abuse when you can just wait till some of your internal organs are ruptured?

Please wait, I'm begging you. Stay there for now.

@bluur,
U just hv to thank ur God he is very out spoken.
Most mistakes gals and boys make is marrying only for love. Love only can never and will never sustain u in a r/ship.
Common sense does.
Use ur common sense. U hv it up there.
If I were u, I don't hv to wait for any advice. I will advice myself which is pick race and don't look back.
U stay bc of whatever u think u r gaining now, ur cross to bear whenever it starts though I know it has started already. Shine ur eyes wella wella.

At Nashville, sorry to say this but if u were close to me right now, I will give u a hard knock(literally)on ur head for posting this.
Ur posts r one of the male posts I enjoy reading here.
Did u drink whisky mixed with codeine b4 posting this?
Quite unlike u I must say.

We have to separate envy-driven words from abuse

Watch n observe

Let him know you cant accept such forceful words

Observe

ileobatojo:

You hear that Bluu? He has not beat you yet. Please stay put and wait for obvious abusive traits, alright? Obvious traits like broken ribs, bleeding into the brain, coma or death, okay? I mean, what could be more obvious than these?

Why pay attention to the early signs of emotional abuse when you can just wait till some of your internal organs are ruptured?

Please wait, I'm begging you. Stay there for now.

I remember when Vure brought her case and some people were too quick to call that abuse too. What I see in this case is some red flags but I would not say run just yet. Lots of people who are happily married today had lots of reasons to break up with their partners as no body is perfect. A guy calls alot to ask where she is - can you really call that abuse? May be he is just an introvert and does not have lots of friends. I agree it can be a sign but not all the time.

The obvious red flag is what he says about beating her. Now those are the things they need to talk about and she needs to find out who exactly this guy is and why he says that. He says he will beat you if you refuse him sex. Well my first advice is that you should refuse him sex when next he asks for it. I am not saying I want him to beat you (I really hope he wouldn't) but this will go along way in confirming whatever opinions you have. In fact start refusing him sex regularly from now on and watch how he reacts if he really plans to carry out his threat. But as I said, no marriage plans at the moment, just take it a day at a time if you claim you love him that much.

Anger vs Abuse - the dichotomy is back ...

Just something i saw online
Some links

http://cliniciansjournal..com/2005/11/anger-mgmt-vs-partner-abuse_22.html

http://www.robynsnest.com/abuse2.htm

Many people confuse the difference between anger and abuse. It's an important distinction for anyone wishing to address problem behaviors in either area.

Anger is an emotion, usually layered on top of other emotions and often resulting from a fear or threat. Although it often gets a bad rap, anger is a normal human emotion that everyone experiences and is actually healthy.

Trying to avoid anger altogether usually just leads to "bottling" emotions that eventually explode.

Effective anger management focuses on identifying and understanding the emotions underlying the anger, processing those emotions, and getting the majority of one's emotional needs met in a way that is constructive, rather than destructive, to either the person experiencing them or others.

Abuse is a behavior that is often associated with anger, but is actually rooted in the desire to gain power and control, rather than an anger management problem.

Most people who are abusive to others -- whether the abuse takes the form of physical, emotional, sexual aggression (or all of the above) -- are actually acting with a great deal of control, rather than being out of control. They may believe their gender, status, race or belief system entitles them to more power than the other person or group of people. Or they may feel such a lack of power and control on a personal level that they try to compensate by stealing someone else's power and control.

People who are abusive usually behave this way only to people who fit into certain categories - for example, intimate partners, children, people of different races, religions or sexual orientations. These are categories of people who generally have less power, either in the home or in society, than they do, and so their abusive behavior is either condoned, ignored, or has minimal consequences. They may genuinely be angry at these people, but they are choosing to act on their anger through abusive tactics, whereas they are able to "manage" their anger toward people who they perceive as having equal or greater status or when there will be serious consequences to their behavior.

I believe that most people who have a genuine desire and motivation to change their behavior can do so. However it is important that they first be able to distinguish between their anger and other emotions, abusive behavior, and non-abusive methods of conflict resolution.

http://www.robynsnest.com/abuse2.htm

@bluu

can you tell us more about your bf/fiance

What else can you tell us about him
Aside the threats of some measure of violence if sex is deprived.. has he made other threats
Is he invested in your life

There has to be more

bluuu:
this thread has taught me how to evaluate my relationship but How do I break it to him i'm no more interested.pls help me out

And your post above is one of the major purposes of this thread. The other is to help people going thru abuse. As I said earlier, I cannot categorically say run run run but the truth is that do not do anything rash like getting engaged or pregnant for this guy. You need to re-evaluate this relationship. Key question is that are you afraid of this guy? Do you just grant all his requests out of fear. If you are afraid or fearful of him, then that is a very bad sign and if he tries to rule you through fear, then you need to get out of the relationship. There are lots of things you have not said. His age, background etc.

I am just also worried that we may start labeling everything as abuse when some of them might not be. All I can say is that you seriously need to re-evaluate this relationship. As I said before the next time he asks for sex, say no not tonight and then watch. And do this every other time and then watch the true him come out!

Well, I will go with this advice given by Aluta.
@bluuu,For he to consider beating you just because of 'sex', he must be a moronic alien. Just imagine? Ordinary sex na hin person dey threaten human.

Will he die if he doesn't have sex? It's pathetic how grown up men act like kids over trivial issues like this. Why should sex be his main priority in the relationship?

May be he has spent money on you and consider it a lose on his part if he doesn't have it with you.

alutacontinua:

Sweetie, any guy that can conceive the thought of beating you and even voices it out in a serious manner is trouble oooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Ayam begging in the name of anything you worship, RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


PLEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2s£xy:
Well, I will go with this advice given by Aluta.
@bluuu,For he to consider beating you just because of 'sex', he must be a moronic alien. Just imagine? Ordinary sex na hin person dey threaten human.

Even 2sexy can see the glaring problem here. I rest my case.

Nashville:

I remember when Vure brought her case and some people were too quick to call that abuse too. What I see in this case is some red flags but I would not say run just yet. Lots of people who are happily married today had lots of reasons to break up with their partners as no body is perfect. A guy calls alot to ask where she is - can you really call that abuse? May be he is just an introvert and does not have lots of friends. I agree it can be a sign but not all the time.

The obvious red flag is what he says about beating her. Now those are the things they need to talk about and she needs to find out who exactly this guy is and why he says that. He says he will beat you if you refuse him sex. Well my first advice is that you should refuse him sex when next he asks for it. I am not saying I want him to beat you (I really hope he wouldn't) but this will go along way in confirming whatever opinions you have. In fact start refusing him sex regularly from now on and watch how he reacts if he really plans to carry out his threat. But as I said, no marriage plans at the moment, just take it a day at a time if you claim you love him that much.

I think he hasn't hit her yet because she is still staying with her parents .
Telling her that he would hit her if she refuse him s ex means she has no right to especially when they are married.
Now, if she refused him s ex, he might not beat her in the sense that she is still under her parents.
He might hit her, in this case, what happens if there is a broken ribs or swollen eye. You must not experience things for you to validate it.
Relationship should be shown with love especially this early stage and not threat. For her to voice it out, she fears for her life.

It's really quite sad that after 107 pages, some people still cannot recognize clear red flags for abuse until it turns physical.

ileobatojo:

Even 2sexy can see the glaring problem here. I rest my case.

so what are you trying to say! Dat 2sexy is .... .

Chillisauce:
so what are you trying to say! Dat 2sexy is .... .

ileobatojo: It's really quite sad that after 107 pages, some people still cannot recognize clear red flags for abuse until it turns physical.

I tire oooo. So blurr you are waiting for the day he will finally hit you abi....then you come to nairaland to create a thread : pls my boyfriend just hit me, what should I do. That's if he doesn't even do something nasty that can take your life. My dear, pls run for your dear life. For him to to have looked into your eyes and said he'll beat you if you ever refuse him sex shows that he's an animal( sorry for calling him that). But my dear that's what he his. So if you don't give him sex for a day, he's going to die. Mtchewwww. You've been given enough advice already so you should know what to do except you want your family to come carry your corpse one day( God forbid).

Nash, I don't think u've witnessed abuse that's why u r saying this. This is exactly how it starts. When it eventually happens, he will still remind her that he told her earlier that she will be beaten if she denies him s*ex.
My current hairdresser is just like this lady bluur. Due to time factor,she normaly come to my house to do my hair. Every 5 minutes she is answering calls with fear in her voice. Every 5 minutes she is explaining where she is, my home address, infact I had to start interrogating her. She is so much in love and still don't c anything wrong in that.
I had to befriend somebody close to her and upon inquiry, found out she hardly goes out(no wonder she refused accompanying me to a function), she is being tracked. The guy started beating her when he felt she was lying to him.
She don't hv young unmarried friend,
Yet to open a shop cos of money. Infact she can only go to church on sunday.

In her case, I don't really know what else to do. She simply won't listen. And they r not married yet.


So she don't hv to wait for the first slap,
She should run for her life.

Assuming d table is turned I wonder what u will advise d man to do.

Nashville:

I remember when Vure brought her case and some people were too quick to call that abuse too. What I see in this case is some red flags but I would not say run just yet. Lots of people who are happily married today had lots of reasons to break up with their partners as no body is perfect. A guy calls alot to ask where she is - can you really call that abuse? May be he is just an introvert and does not have lots of friends. I agree it can be a sign but not all the time.

The obvious red flag is what he says about beating her. Now those are the things they need to talk about and she needs to find out who exactly this guy is and why he says that. He says he will beat you if you refuse him sex. Well my first advice is that you should refuse him sex when next he asks for it. I am not saying I want him to beat you (I really hope he wouldn't) but this will go along way in confirming whatever opinions you have. In fact start refusing him sex regularly from now on and watch how he reacts if he really plans to carry out his threat. But as I said, no marriage plans at the moment, just take it a day at a time if you claim you love him that much.

When a guys says things like . . . " I'll give you a dirty slap . . . I'll beat the hell out of you e.t.c" to me, that's all the red flag I need.

Violence of any kind is a no-no for me and if I had a younger sister, I'll give her the same advice.

ileobatojo: It's really quite sad that after 107 pages, some people still cannot recognize clear red flags for abuse until it turns physical.

Ileobatojo the expert, anyway if you thought Vure's case was abuse then this one will certainly be as it has more potential of being abusive.

Ladies, you need to read what I have said. I will not encourage her to marry this guy or get engaged etc, but I cannot say this guy will certainly be abusive. Read her post, she said "ONE DAY", we were talking about s*ex. He only ever said I will beat you just once from what I see. From all her post, he has only ever said that once. Is that enough to run away completely? And that is why I have asked her to provide more info. What is the age difference, does she respect him out of age or fear or something else.

I once dated a lady myself that I used to call like six times a day when the love was shacking me. She complained that I was chocking her and then I reduced the phone calls to once or twice a day. She complained even more that I had stopped calling. I soon realised the girl sef did not know what she wanted and was not ready for a serious relationship.

In this bluu's case, I think we cannot conclude just yet that this guy is will be abusive. She needs to tell us more.

Nashville:

And your post above is one of the major purposes of this thread. The other is to help people going thru abuse. As I said earlier, I cannot categorically say run run run but the truth is that do not do anything rash like getting engaged or pregnant for this guy. You need to re-evaluate this relationship. Key question is that are you afraid of this guy? Do you just grant all his requests out of fear. If you are afraid or fearful of him, then that is a very bad sign and if he tries to rule you through fear, then you need to get out of the relationship. There are lots of things you have not said. His age, background etc.

I am just also worried that we may start labeling everything as abuse when some of them might not be. All I can say is that you seriously need to re-evaluate this relationship. As I said before the next time he asks for sex, say no not tonight and then watch. And do this every other time and then watch the true him come out!

I totally agree with this advice especially the sex denial and re-evaluation aspects. In addition the Op should try as much as possible to do it objectively and without bias.

I guess what Nash is trying to say is test his temperament before reaching any conclusion. Try to see his reaction in certain situations. Deny him the sex and see what happens. Don't pick his calls intentionally see if he goes ballistic. This way when leaving d relationship you'll have no doubts you've made the right decision.

yellowpawpaw: Nash, I don't think u've witnessed abuse that's why u r saying this. This is exactly how it starts. When it eventually happens, he will still remind her that he told her earlier that she will be beaten if she denies him s*ex.
My current hairdresser is just like this lady bluur. Due to time factor,she normaly come to my house to do my hair. Every 5 minutes she is answering calls with fear in her voice. Every 5 minutes she is explaining where she is, my home address, infact I had to start interrogating her. She is so much in love and still don't c anything wrong in that.
I had to befriend somebody close to her and upon inquiry, found out she hardly goes out(no wonder she refused accompanying me to a function), she is being tracked. The guy started beating her when he felt she was lying to him.
She don't hv young unmarried friend,
Yet to open a shop cos of money. Infact she can only go to church on sunday.

In her case, I don't really know what else to do. She simply won't listen. And they r not married yet.


So she don't hv to wait for the first slap,
She should run for her life.

Assuming d table is turned I wonder what u will advise d man to do.

I pity your hairdresser. When the guy dumps her after he's done using her she will shout men are wicked, abi? I also pity foolish men like her boyfriend who wouldn't allow women they are dating freedom to fully express themselves. He will have to contend with her true character after marriage. It's people like him that will come here to claim his wife's character changed after marriage.

So the oshi reported my post? Good you know yourself

U don't wait for abuse to happen. U don't lure an abuser, u might not like the outcome. If my guy tells me I'm looking for his trouble if I don't pick his calls or jokingly tells me he will beat me if I deny him s*ex, I will playerfully find my way out of his life. Words r very powerful.
Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh,says the wise man.

Nashville:

Ileobatojo the expert, anyway if you thought Vure's case was abuse then this one will certainly be as it has more potential of being abusive.

Ladies, you need to read what I have said. I will not encourage her to marry this guy or get engaged etc, but I cannot say this guy will certainly be abusive. Read her post, she said "ONE DAY", we were talking about s*ex. He only ever said I will beat you just once from what I see. From all her post, he has only ever said that once. Is that enough to run away completely? And that is why I have asked her to provide more info. What is the age difference, does she respect him out of age or fear or something else.

I once dated a lady myself that I used to call like six times a day when the love was shacking me. She complained that I was chocking her and then I reduced the phone calls to once or twice a day. She complained even more that I had stopped calling. I soon realised the girl sef did not know what she wanted and was not ready for a serious relationship.

In this bluu's case, I think we cannot conclude just yet that this guy is will be abusive. She needs to tell us more.

Yep, Vure's guy is an abuser and so is this guy.

There is a difference between calling 6 times a day and calling 6 times a day to track her every move. He calls to interrogate her about where she is, who she's with, why she's there and all that(just like Vure's guy) and gets ballistic when she doesn't answer his questions. Is she not supposed to have any other life outside him? Why must he know her every single move through crazed interrogations when he didn't catch her doing anything bad? Can you not see how this will instill fear and lead to him controlling her every movement?

When your girl told you you were choking her, you backed off. But when bluu refuses to pick this guy's calls, she gets nasty threatening texts to pick her phone or he will deal with her. Is this instilling love or fear?

Let's not even go into the sex threat bit because I could write a whole book breaking down how that statement alone is abuse not to talk of ra*pe in any event that that threat influences their sexx. Let me guess, that statement is a sign of true love to you?

jennykadry: So the oshi reported my post? Good you know yourself

You . . . check your e-mail. I sent u an email siiiiiiiiiiince

bluuu: pls I av a complaint.i was discussing wt my guy one day n he said if I tell him no sex wen he wants(even if I try to convince him) it, dt he wil beat me,he ws serious with it. at tyms wen I dnt pick his call probably I was not there or didn't hear my phone ring,he wil send me text lik 'pick my call if u dnt want my trouble'. whenever he calls, he liks to enquire abt everything-where I am,wat im doing,who i'm with etc.he calls a lot n if I say no(not because I m doing sth bad but because I wanna prove to him to stop uneccessary questions),he wil start getting angry.
pls advice me,i love him a lot.
tnx bt pls no insult

Dear,

A lot of people have advised you.

However, I want to clarify the bolded. The fact that your guy calls a lot and asks about everything you do doesn't indicate abuse or control, it depends on the motive. It could be out of love. When I just started with my guy, he would always call and ask everything and I was like seriously? However, I noticed that he does the same too... I could tell his itinerary whether I was with him or not. He said does that so that he can perceive me (lol!) and imagine my day or what I am doing at a point in time. I remember when I fought with my cousin at school, , he called and told me that he felt something was happening to me and rushed to my house...

I am just saying like Nashville's post earlier; analyze and access everything well before letting go. It would surprise you that some things you do in anger would also be termed abusive. Nobody is perfect however, I will never condone or encourage abuse and the moment you can clear all doubts that he is an abuser/ potential one, please leave.

bukatyne:

When I just started with my guy, he would always call and ask everything and I was like seriously? However, I noticed that he does the same too... I could tell his itinerary whether I was with him or not.

Bluu, don't be confused by this. The bolded outlines the clear difference between Buka's guy and yours for this particular problem. Buka's guy's case is one of do unto others as you want done to yourself. Her guy's lifestyle is to share his every life detail with his girl and he expects the same. Weird, but not abuse since it is reciprocal, one party does not have a significant upper hand over the other.

I can bet my bottom dollar that your guy, Bluu, does not share his every move with you. If he did, you would not be complaining about it. Your situations are not the same. Don't get sidetracked.