imurboss: @hispinkolo, I've had my own share of in laws troubles, I've studied them & understood them as they have also shown me the stuff they're made of early enough. So I've learnt to keep them at arms learnt.

I've experienced some of the things you went through too & that was when my marriage was just 8mths.Sil (far younger to me)just invited their family members one early morning without prior notice to come over to our house to come & judge me because they believed I came to snatch something away from them. My dear,it took the grace of God for the marriage to still continue till this stage. Today if I look back I continue to bless God but I see a lot of regret on their faces. It is well

Pls full gist, what happened?

imurboss: @hispinkolo, I've had my own share of in laws troubles, I've studied them & understood them as they have also shown me the stuff they're made of early enough. So I've learnt to keep them at arms learnt.

I've experienced some of the things you went through too & that was when my marriage was just 8mths.Sil (far younger to me)just uinvited their family members one early morning without prior notice to come over to our house to come & judge me because they believed I came to snatch something away from them. My dear,it took the grace of God for the marriage to still continue till this stage. Today if I look back I continue to bless God but I see a lot of regret on their faces. It is well

My dear pls share d experience, let's learn from it too.

Hmmmm.......I never had a mil as she's late,my fil too died 3mths to our wedding so I only have bils & sils of which they are all younger to me, I & hubby are just a year apart. Hubby is the first child & so he had a lot of responsibilities which I understood & I don't usually bother him since i'm a working class lady & independent too.

I could remember when my fil died,unknown to my fiance I was running up & down to my own sisters to see if they can give me anything to add to what I have so as to give to my sils & bils to serve as a little consolation to them. Then my sis told me i shouldn't kill myself afterall i've not really known them that i should just do the little I could do,there's no need to go extra mile. I said Ok. I just did the little I could do for them but anytime sils were having birthdays I usually go shopping for gifts for them.

Fast forward to after wedding, the story changed. One of my soil was still loyal but the other one & bils became hostile. We were living in a kind of family house, I didn't foresee any problem before the marriage else I would have insisted dh get another apartment before wedding. So most times if I notice anything was wrong I usually discuss with dh,I don't confront his siblings. I remembered I particular day sil came to see me that I should forgive her if she has done anything wrong to me, I told her she has done anything wrong as I've never made any complaint about her of which I also asked for her forgiveness too. She went further by saying
that she observed that I don't usually interact with our neighbours as they're friends to everybody.I answered her by saying firstly I wasn't brought up to be poking my nose into people's home that I will only do that when necessary & secondly after returning from a hard day's job,where's the time to go & be doing that,even if I'm jobless I can't do that. Again she said she noticed anytime I'm in the kitchen I don't usually call her to come & help.......shuo, see me o. Well, I told her that why will I have to sound a trumpet to call her when her younger sister joins me at will. I just concluded in my mind that her younger sister was far matured than she was.

Hmmm....I never knew that all my answers didn't go down well with her & that she had a bigger plan for me o. Sunday of that same week after church I was driving home with same sil beside me,it was just the two of us in the car & I was gisting with her & we were laughing together unknown to me that the laughter did not reach her mind. The following day was a Monday & it was also a public holiday so no work. As early as I could even get up from the bed, I heard a knock on our door(I was preggy then, in my 1st trimester but it was unknown to them as I & hubby agreed to keep it a secret till I start showing). Then I asked hubby who was it at the door, he said they were his late mom's sisters that they have come to judge & settle some matters....I asked hubby, where you informed of their coming before now,he said no,he wasnt meanwhile this whole shit was
initiated by sil. I was madddd but dh asked me to keep calm & say little of whatever I wanted to say bearing in mind my condition. I said OK.

Fast forward to the tribunal,which was comprised of 2 bils, 1sil, 2 of late Mil's sisters, dh & I and from the look of things I was the only strange person. Then each of them started complaining, most of their grievance dated back to 8months ago during our traditional & white wedding that I didn't want to snap with them,that I did this I did that, Omg!.....another case was one day dh locked all the cooking pots inside the kitchen cabinet for all & I wasn't even around on that day I came back in the evening & entered the kitchen to fix some things before going to bed. Not long after that I heard a very deafening knock on our door,I asked hubby to get the door & it was bil. I could hear everything he said that night,that was around 10pm. He was shouting to dh that I locked up all the pots in the house in the cabinet, I didn't allow him do some cooking for himself since I won't do it for them. He said all sort of things but I just kept quiet but dh never cautioned him nor said anything to him.

Then I asked dh why didn't he say something to his brother since he knows I just got in this evening,I've not been home all day then how could I have guilty of that. Dh didn't say anything, I was just on my own so I said to myself how can I go & correct bil as my dh couldn't correct him, so I was just looking but I let dh know it was unfair.

Bil also said at the tribunal at he has never seen me pick a broom once to say I want to wash the bathroom that it was his brother that always does that. It was at that point I let him know that he lacked manners & that he was not up to my mum's last born. I discovered that at the meeting no matter how I tried to defend myself I'm still guilty so I decided to just be looking & listening to their judgement since dh was not even saying anything to defend me, I was just on my own. Then after the judgement had favoured them bills started prostrating fake prostration to me,then they started sharing drink,I just asked them to keep their drink, I was so disappointed especially in dh for not been able to defend me. I went in & started weeping uncontrollable. I was traumatised, I can't pray for that to happen to my worst enemy.

The

Monster in laws and lily livered husbands. Scary prospects for a person like me sha.
Either I'm totally passive or totally fighting. I don't know how to stay neutral.

@imurboss i feel for you. Just keep believing God. Let's not let this thread die cos am really learning a lot seriously.

this thread will derail if the only thing being discuss here is all about in laws....... this thread is not about that but marriage in general So the op should bring up other topics rather than "in laws" palava

@chizzy,thanks. Everything is resolved now,3yrs is gone now & everyone is on his/her own. We now do friendship from far,we see once in a while & only talk straight to the point no time for extra gist abeg.Everybody now knows their boundary & the respect is there now. I'm only glad that the brought out the true colours early enough so I truly know they're not what they actually portrayed themselves to be. We are living far from them now,they come once in a while now just for visit. Sometimes when I remember everything I will just SMH...hmmm

@dorosola, noted. But you can also suggest any other topic you deem fit for discussion so we all can learn & keep the thread alive,thanks.

marriage is a serious business sha.

Please i need advise here o. but not MIL related.

Just paid for a new apartment using loans from my sisters. One of them actually gave loaned me a 100k (in mid July) which i promised to pay back by month end in one piece because it was part of the money for her rent as well. (she gave me the money because she won't be needing it till month end(July) and my own need is urgent. Now the issue is that last week, hubby's brother sent him some money to help pay to someone's account on his behalf. Money was still with hubby and our baby fell sick. I had no money on me and hubby had to use his brother's money to settle the hospital bills which was about 40k.

now hubby's brother wants his money back (he is not aware that money has been spent) and would not even hear of it. My sister has called me to remind me of her money because she will be paying this Friday. Hubby's mum has called hubby and told him that i have to pay back her son's money that after all if the brother didn't send money, i would have taken care of my baby. Hubby is saying i should bring the money to repay his brother and tell my sister to wait till next month ending when i collect another salary. In fact i don't even know who to pay now as i am confused and at the same time i don't want to be bias. and both have to be paid today. Thinking about it all day o.

sorry if it is not something to bring to NL, just need to cool off.

Pay off your sister as she had your back and she needs it for house rent

The child is not yours but belongs to both of you.. so any money used by your hubby is not for YOUR single purpose only

If you have any other money.. do a part payment for your BIL and pay the rest later


Has Hubby gotten a job now


@Godmystrength:

@Godismystrength

Please pay off your sister,the money is for her rent.Am I missing something here or doesn't the kid belong to your husband?
do you both have an agreement where only you has to take care of the baby?
The husband should take care of his brother,while you pay off your sis ASAP cos you may be needing her next time.
Pele OOO my sister

pickabeau1: Pay off your sister as she had your back and she needs it for house rent

The child is not yours but belongs to both of you.. so any money used by your hubby is not for YOUR single purpose only

If you have any other money.. do a part payment for your BIL and pay the rest later


Has Hubby gotten a job now


@Godmystrength:

I don't have any other money o. in fact, if you remember how much my salary is, you will know what i mean.
Gotten a job ke? what can i say? He got one and my hopes were high and he just dashed the hopes before he even resumed the job. he said he is praying to God to bless his business (he hasn't done any in recent time).

We even had a little quarrel this morning before i left for office because he said i refuse to collect atm for my salary account (because he said it would have been easy for him to go and withdraw money to pay his brother). Since i have tried my best and i don't want to result to nagging, i have decided to just be silent for the now. I can't kill myself from too much of thinking.

hispinkolo: @Godismystrength

Please pay off your sister,the money is for her rent.Am I missing something here or doesn't the kid belong to your husband?
do you both have an agreement where only you has to take care of the baby?
The husband should take care of his brother,while you pay off your sis ASAP cos you may be needing her next time.
Pele OOO my sister

you are not missing anything. The baby is OUR baby o. in fact, OUR first child.
and we have no such agreement.

@Godismystrength: please pay up your sister, Cox u might need her in the nearest future and if u f*ck up now just know she will f*ck u up when u need her,,,, she trusted u that was why she gave u, please Don't betray that trust.......

as par the brother..... u Don't owe him any explanation..... let your husband handle it like a man.....dont even say a word .....face front ...lolz...shikena

Nne ur sister comes first. Chikena. Ur hubby shld sort himself out or he should wait till next month.

Godmystrength: I don't have any other money o. in fact, if you remember how much my salary is, you will know what i mean.
Gotten a job ke? what can i say? He got one and my hopes were high and he just dashed the hopes before he even resumed the job. he said he is praying to God to bless his business (he hasn't done any in recent time).

We even had a little quarrel this morning before i left for office because he said i refuse to collect atm for my salary account (because he said it would have been easy for him to go and withdraw money to pay his brother). Since i have tried my best and i don't want to result to nagging, i have decided to just be silent for the now. I can't kill myself from too much of thinking.

Hmm... I pray God blesses too but he has to know there are pressing needs at the moment which need to be met
Try and talk to him again using the method in the earlier thread

Outline expenses, income, potential expenses andshortfalls and let him suggest how it will be met

Dont collect atm

Also open a second account where you have a standing order to cater for your kids

Do what you have to do

Your sis helped u in time of need.. Dont betray her

Do you hoard the child or what?
I want to understand why he thinks the baby is your sole responsibility.

Godmystrength: I don't have any other money o. in fact, if you remember how much my salary is, you will know what i mean.
Gotten a job ke? what can i say? He got one and my hopes were high and he just dashed the hopes before he even resumed the job. he said he is praying to God to bless his business (he hasn't done any in recent time).

We even had a little quarrel this morning before i left for office because he said i refuse to collect atm for my salary account (because he said it would have been easy for him to go and withdraw money to pay his brother). Since i have tried my best and i don't want to result to nagging, i have decided to just be silent for the now. I can't kill myself from too much of thinking.

pickabeau1:

Hmm... I pray God blesses too but he has to know there are pressing needs at the moment which need to be met
Try and talk to him again using the method in the earlier thread

Outline expenses, income, potential expenses andshortfalls and let him suggest how it will be met

Dont collect atm

Also open a second account where you have a standing order to cater for your kids

Do what you have to do

Your sis helped u in time of need.. Dont betray her

i have done all that but no head way (his response were still based on my salary), hence my silence because i am just tired of gong back and front. You won't believe that immediately we moved to the new house, he told me that we need to start planning for another baby and that was when i knew there IS A BIG problem. I told him i wasn't ready and when he wanted to turn it to argument, i left him alone. I know within me that it not gonna happen now.

cococandy: Do you hoard the child or what?
I want to understand why he thinks the baby is your sole responsibility.

hoard the child as how?
my sole responsibly is not even only the baby. Long story jare.

Don't even know what to say.

Godmystrength: hoard the child as how?
my sole responsibly is not even only the baby. Long story jare.

Godmystrength: you are not missing anything. The baby is OUR baby o. in fact, OUR first child.
and we have no such agreement.

Oh my! I see... you are the breadwinner of your home right?
I support your stance about the ATM,don't do it.Please,start saving up money for your child in another account.
PAY YOUR SISTER,the situation financially in your home isn't stable yet so don't burn your bridges.You may need her to lend you money again so you need to keep your word and pay her.

Let your hubby hustle and find money to pay his brother because the money was in his care and was spent on a baby both of you produced.
No need to even talk too much,just pay your sis ASAP and face front.Its not like you can poo money and give his brother cos you won't even have the cash to spend..

I'm begging you to please bring out at least 10% of your salary for your child.It will kill you if in future your child is suffering and you have to watch helplessly.Even if hubby knows the amount you receive as salary,once the portion for your kid enters the other account,there's nothing he can do about it.

Do not even think of having another child. Don't take risks by using condoms or withdrawal method,think patches or the implants till you are more stable

I'm very sorry for what you are going through.I pray your hubby mans up soon and takes up his responsibilities if not,you will need to use tough love.As per don't pay rent,just provide for your kid and Sidon dey look.

Godmystrength: i have done all that but no head way (his response were still based on my salary), hence my silence because i am just tired of gong back and front. You won't believe that immediately we moved to the new house, he told me that we need to start planning for another baby and that was when i knew there IS A BIG problem. I told him i wasn't ready and when he wanted to turn it to argument, i left him alone. I know within me that it not gonna happen now.

Hmm... then this matter is more complicated than initially thought

The only pointer i can give now is ensure you have something aside for the kids education

Also start thinking of developing yourself - certifications wise so you can get better jobs

which field are u in

If possible, you may need to consider firmer forms of BC - injection or skin patch

What are your folks saying?are they aware?
What are his folks saying? are they aware?


Maybe next time you should not have paid for the house rent

pickabeau1:

Hmm... then this matter is more complicated than initially thought

The only pointer i can give now is ensure you have something aside for the kids education

Also start thinking of developing yourself - certifications wise so you can get better jobs

which field are u in

If possible, you may need to consider firmer forms of BC - injection or skin patch

What are your folks saying?are they aware?
What are his folks saying? are they aware?


Maybe next time you should not have paid for the house rent

certification wise, i am seriously working on that.

thinking about the BC.

My folks are aware (or how do i explain to them the reason i am always borrowing from them)they just know and encourage me. My mum has called us both at one time to advise us on how to be prudent and plan well. She was even suggesting that instead of paying that much for rent, we should be thinking of starting to plan for building our own house even if it is just a small place. The way he lambasted me thay day when we got back home, i will never forget in my life.

His folks are aware. To them nothing wrong with what is happening. it is a normal thing. As i am encouraging him to get a job doing, they are discouraging him that business is his calling.

I had to pay the rent because the old rent has been long due and rent has been increase by a 100k and we had to move out asap. NEPA bills was already piling up plus the unpaid rent. And we heard from reliable source that building will soon be sold. We weren't the one given the quit notice, it was given to other tenants. If we were evicted, where will i go to with my baby?

. If we were evicted, where will i go to with my baby?[/quote]

To your parents till he rents a house.That would have been a wake up call for him but I guess you aren't prepared to make that sort of ultimatum. I hope things get sorted for you soon...sorryyy

BC may be necessary.

The reason why i ask about parents is because the family burden is being borne dispropotionately by you and as with any material, there is a breaking point

The reality is expenses can only increase like playgroup/creche costs, feeding and transportation which may make paying costs like rent etc become burdensome

Lets hope by the next cycle, everything is sorted or else you may need to siddon look as he may not learn the lesson

People have been known to move back to their parents home until things clear up.

Your child is your no 1 priority

Which certifications are u lookin at

Godmystrength:
certification wise, i am seriously working on that.

thinking about the BC.

My folks are aware (or how do i explain to them the reason i am always borrowing from them)they just know and encourage me. My mum has called us both at one time to advise us on how to be prudent and plan well. She was even suggesting that instead of paying that much for rent, we should be thinking of starting to plan for building our own house even if it is just a small place. The way he lambasted me thay day when we got back home, i will never forget in my life.

His folks are aware. To them nothing wrong with what is happening. it is a normal thing. As i am encouraging him to get a job doing, they are discouraging him that business is his calling.

I had to pay the rent because the old rent has been long due and rent has been increase by a 100k and we had to move out asap. NEPA bills was already piling up plus the unpaid rent. And we heard from reliable source that building will soon be sold. We weren't the one given the quit notice, it was given to other tenants. If we were evicted, where will i go to with my baby?

hispinkolo: . If we were evicted, where will i go to with my baby?[/quote]

[b]To your parents till he rents a house.[/b]That would have been a wake up call for him but I guess you aren't prepared to make that sort of ultimatum. I hope things get sorted for you soon...sorryyy

I can't do that because i have to go to work and won't be able to go from my parents' house to work o. thats quite a distance.

pickabeau1: BC may be necessary.

The reason why i ask about parents is because the family burden is being borne dispropotionately by you and as with any material, there is a breaking point

The reality is expenses can only increase like playgroup/creche costs, feeding and transportation which may make paying costs like rent etc become burdensome

Lets hope by the next cycle, everything is sorted or else you may need to siddon look as he may not learn the lesson

People have been known to move back to their parents home until things clear up.

Your child is your no 1 priority

Which certifications are u lookin at

Godmystrength: I can't do that because i have to go to work and won't be able to go from my parents' house to work o. thats quite a distance.

ACCA.

If all this is true just take care so you don't grow old over night.
Or get hypertensive
Imagine asking u for money u used to treat your child.
Did you ask him for the money u borrowed in paying the rent?

Godmystrength:
certification wise, i am seriously working on that.

thinking about the BC.

My folks are aware (or how do i explain to them the reason i am always borrowing from them)they just know and encourage me. My mum has called us both at one time to advise us on how to be prudent and plan well. She was even suggesting that instead of paying that much for rent, we should be thinking of starting to plan for building our own house even if it is just a small place. The way he lambasted me thay day when we got back home, i will never forget in my life.

His folks are aware. To them nothing wrong with what is happening. it is a normal thing. As i am encouraging him to get a job doing, they are discouraging him that business is his calling.

I had to pay the rent because the old rent has been long due and rent has been increase by a 100k and we had to move out asap. NEPA bills was already piling up plus the unpaid rent. And we heard from reliable source that building will soon be sold. We weren't the one given the quit notice, it was given to other tenants. If we were evicted, where will i go to with my baby?

cococandy: If all this is tru just take care you don't grow old over night.
Imagine asking u for money u used to treat your child.
Did you ask him for the money u borrowed in paying the rent?

i can only smile. He pushed me to the wall o. in fact, he suggested i get the money from my parents and because i was just too ashamed of myself, i could not ask my parents (i have borrowed from them in the past and they didn't collect it back from me plus he is owing my mum some money he hasn't paid back), that was why i had to ask my sisters.

I have once opened a thread on NL concerning my case o but when i saw that some people were already resulting to insults and name calling, i asked for it to be deleted.

@Godismystrength

It must be hard for you..Dunno what to say again except that I hope somehow things turn round for you both.
One fact is that if things keep on being this way,you will get frustrated and start resenting him due to frustration.
The worst part is that his family is supporting him so there's really not much you can do.
You will have to consider not paying the rent again though and wait it out.If you keep coming to the rescue,he won't have any motivation to change the status quo.
Lemme ask you,if moving to your parents and suffering maybe a couple of extra miles to work for a while would reset his brain would you do it?

I really don't want you to get to a point where you will be so frustrated that you start insulting him,you are human and such a scenario could happen when you can't take the burden again.

Does he feel any shame using up all the money you make or does he think it's his right?Is he like a house husband? Is he making efforts to remedy the situation? If he is,then you can go on helping out till he gets a job.
If not,tough love is the answer or you will end up looking like his grandma while he's a fresh young man.
Im sooo sorry my sister ooooo.God is really your strength

Godmystrength:


ACCA.

This is a very intensive one both time wise (about 3t years) and financially

You need to be strong

I wish you all the best

God wiill really be your strength