.

cococandy:
ebe ka I gara? M Na acho gi since.

Nne I forgot my password and no be me open the verification mail box, so to change password nah real wah. The thing make logging in tire me.

byvan:



Nne I forgot my password and no be me open the verification mail box, so to change password nah real wah. The thing make logging in tire me.

ok.
I'm sure you're doing good .
How's my son in law?

@DIDIVA

I just had to
E be like say my own na learner compared to yours oo,chaiiiii!!!
My SIL are the ones that would like to control everything,you need to see how my broke BIL suffers.He always has to agree to everything they say so that he can keep getting the favours. I don't blame him jooo,man must survive..
MIL just loves money and feeling funky..
Thank God I can vent here when i cant take the badgering anymore...Most times,i tell myself it's just a genetic flaw..It's a fault they have just like i have my faults.E hard shaa but that's the only way to reign in any anger or repulsion i feel when they begin to display.

Fortunately for me,it hasn't reached control of my personal domain.That one ehhh .It's only when there's an occasion or family gathering that they want us all to look like local puppets..My attitude to that one is O yes member as advised by my parents..

I'm glad I don't have to deal with them very often so I easily can just be silent while i do a spiritual countdown and daydream about leaving their presence.

Honestly,i'm glad this all happened to me..I am now very very conscious of how i treat people,my behavior and reaction to situations.
I now listen to DH more sef,he claims i've improved drastically in that regard cos i was a very stubborn grasshopper before

I like your style,do what you can and switch off

Good luck dear!!!

.

at this juction pls i need advice.i met ma huby lst two yrs frm a family of 11 having 8 gals and 3 boys n d gals re eldest and ma hubby is d second son.to cut d story one of d sister xtrmly dominating.their dad is late.wen ma husy said he wanted to get married in my presence she said so soon.how long ve u known her dat you want to jump.so many tins.before my wedding i bought deir mom a fone n dis woman never used it to call me one day to till eve to ma wedding she called just to tell me the neck n leg of d cow wos hers.on d wedding day ma pple said is not done see quarre.dat ma sil insulted ma mom andwent to d canopy n wos telling pple dey shuld watch dat my enemies marriage will not last all cos of meat.all dis while d mom pretended not to b aware of what my sil wos doing.we did wedding finally aftr ma pple cut d neck and leg and divided into half and dey shared it!we did wedding and ma hubby gave his people long rope cos he pays deir bills even d sil dat is married he assits wen he has.9months after in dis nine months i hardly see my inlaws because i was serving in another state.though we are in benin togda i gave birth.dat my sil is the eldest eldest in benin.she did not come.the mom came to visit after a month and two weeks saying she was sick.

to be frank that word my SIL made on ma wedding day made me fear all of them and even d way my mil behaved.i saw ma sil in a famil gathering in december.she did not even tell me congrats.i wos gretting and trying to embrace her and she gave me a cold shoulder.i told ma hubby.jan she sent her kids four of them to come and spend hols.they came for a month but after 3 days i told my hubby to send them home cos finance wos not easy then but i was nice to them.we had another family gathering feburary and she wos so nice.tryin to carry my baby.as we were about leaving she said she is angry with me cos i rarely come and see her and even rarely see ma MIL which is true and ma hubby challenged her bitterly.she mellowed and we went home.to be frank am scared of them cos one tin i learnt about my MIL she is d type dat only rembers when u do her give her money.the type that pretends.pushed her daughter to the fight and lays back for you to think she is innocent.my SILis very doninating and i dnt want a relationship because the words she uttered on my wedding day.i do the calling even before we got married.my MIL has only called me once this year.i got tired and limited the calls cos to b frank with what happed

on my wedding day.i am afraid of them.i do not want any intimate relationship.my SIL called me last nite and wos shouting that ma MIL wos crying that i and my hubby has abandoned her bla bla and ma fone went off.pls do u advice i create and intimate relationship with them.cos d reason amscared is deir xter and attidtude cos is obvious dey nva wanted deir brother to get married cos he wos footing their bills.they nva even their mom never asked me how i was plannin for my wedding.the only day she called wos to tell me dat neck n leg wos hers.i blive she has a wicked and pretenious mind.am scared of their kind of mind.do u advice i forget d past and try to create a realtionship.the last time i went to c ma mother in law wos june.it wos something ma hubby asked ,e to go and drop.i did not spend upto 30mins and ma baby wos crying seriously.refusing any of them to carry her

cococandy:
ok.
I'm sure you're doing good .
How's my son in law?

Am fine dear, your in law is powering up by the day . How are you preparing for the season?

Rosarie:
on my wedding day.i am afraid of them.i do not want any intimate relationship.my SIL called me last nite and wos shouting that ma MIL wos crying that i and my hubby has abandoned her bla bla and ma fone went off.pls do u advice i create and intimate relationship with them.cos d reason amscared is deir xter and attidtude cos is obvious dey nva wanted deir brother to get married cos he wos footing their bills.they nva even their mom never asked me how i was plannin for my wedding.the only day she called wos to tell me dat neck n leg wos hers.i blive she has a wicked and pretenious mind.am scared of their kind of mind.do u advice i forget d past and try to create a realtionship.the last time i went to c ma mother in law wos june.it wos something ma hubby asked ,e to go and drop.i did not spend upto 30mins and ma baby wos crying seriously.refusing any of them to carry her

I can only advice you what has worked for me.
DONT START WHAT YOU CAN'T FINISH. Be friendly respectful and polite but no eye service. Dont pretend and start something then be bitter later

aisha2:


I can only advice you what has worked for me.
DONT START WHAT YOU CAN'T FINISH. Be friendly respectful and polite but no eye service. Dont pretend and start something then be bitter later

pls i dnt understand by nt starting wot i cnt finish.i and polite n respectful and friendly wen we c but i rarely visit.

Hello Ladies,
What is all these MIL says, and SIL did stories. Common. This is actually the area your hubbys are supposed to handle. It is his family.
If you are married to a "man" and not some boy in the body of a man, he should be able to handle his own side of the family and make sure that they do not interfere in his marriage.
I was taught that, you make a family budget every month or quarterly. This percentage of our income goes to so and so. And when that budget exceeds, then you only have to be firm and tell whoever it is that you can't do it at this time or they should have patient. Though there are some exceptions like emergencies or when a member of your family is sick.
I really don't understand why a man will allow any member of his family to insult his wife (neither will I allow my wife to insult a member of my family).
I simply wonder when I read these stories.

^^
Errrrrrr
These stories are reality..
That's your definition of a "man"?Good.So in a situation where he's not living up to your 'man' image,what's a person to do? Call the him a boy??Fall and die??Or wait for eternity for the cloak of manhood to fall upon him?? OR the most rampant prayyy??
NO.You handle bizniz like a boss while petitioning the Almighty and move on.
I'm glad you were taught how to save and will refuse when you don't have but when the man CANNOT say no just in a bid to avoid confrontation nko??
It is left for us the women to put our feet down and lay down the law simple!!
I'm a bit curt cos it's extremely irritating to see when people type 'it's his family,he's supposed to handle them'
Did anyone ask for INLAW wahala?I'd like to wake up and feel like the world is fine and dandy but i sometimes have to see faces that cause me diarrhoea. That's life.Profer solutions abeg.
A proportion of MIL and SIL and even some FIL are very funky characters.That's the world we exist in.
That's why this thread is here.

Rosarie,
No epistle for you..FACE YOUR FRONT and mind ya bizniz.Do not start playing nice and lovely if that's not your cup of tea.
Courteous,pitch in when you can is key.
Ajayi work no dey pay.

DIDIVA,

MOre grease to your elbows!!
Keep up the good work o jare..

Forward ever

byvan:



Am fine dear, your in law is powering up by the day . How are you preparing for the season?

oh that's lovely.

I'm prepping just fine. Wetin person go do na?

Rosarie:
pls i dnt understand by nt starting wot i cnt finish.i and polite n respectful and friendly wen we c but i rarely visit.

I mean don't try to gain favor or their friendship by doing eye service let it be a mutually respectful relationship not one that would be tasking and painful to you.

cococandy:
oh that's lovely.

I'm prepping just fine. Wetin person go do na?

Madampinkolo:

^^
Errrrrrr
These stories are reality..
That's your definition of a "man"?Good.So in a situation where he's not living up to your 'man' image,what's a person to do? Call the him a boy??Fall and die??Or wait for eternity for the cloak of manhood to fall upon him?? OR the most rampant prayyy??
NO.You handle bizniz like a boss while petitioning the Almighty and move on.
I'm glad you were taught how to save and will refuse when you don't have but when the man CANNOT say no just in a bid to avoid confrontation nko??
It is left for us the women to put our feet down and lay down the law simple!!
I'm a bit curt cos it's extremely irritating to see when people type 'it's his family,he's supposed to handle them'
Did anyone ask for INLAW wahala?I'd like to wake up and feel like the world is fine and dandy but i sometimes have to see faces that cause me diarrhoea. That's life.Profer solutions abeg.
A proportion of MIL and SIL and even some FIL are very funky characters.That's the world we exist in.
That's why this thread is here.

Rosarie,
No epistle for you..FACE YOUR FRONT and mind ya bizniz.Do not start playing nice and lovely if that's not your cup of tea.
Courteous,pitch in when you can is key.
Ajayi work no dey pay.

DIDIVA,

MOre grease to your elbows!!
Keep up the good work o jare..

Forward ever

thx dear

aisha2:


I mean don't try to gain favor or their friendship by doing eye service let it be a mutually respectful relationship not one that would be tasking and painful to you.

abi oo ma sister.thank u.i should nt rily start what i can not finish and am not used to eye service o.thx so much sis

eagleeye2:
Hello Ladies,
What is all these MIL says, and SIL did stories. Common. This is actually the area your hubbys are supposed to handle. It is his family.
If you are married to a "man" and not some boy in the body of a man, he should be able to handle his own side of the family and make sure that they do not interfere in his marriage.
I was taught that, you make a family budget every month or quarterly. This percentage of our income goes to so and so. And when that budget exceeds, then you only have to be firm and tell whoever it is that you can't do it at this time or they should have patient. Though there are some exceptions like emergencies or when a member of your family is sick.
I really don't understand why a man will allow any member of his family to insult his wife (neither will I allow my wife to insult a member of my family).
I simply wonder when I read these stories.

my dear we all pray for good mil n sils.for dat aspect ma hsu dose not gve dem a single chance if not dey re d type dat would ve come to ma house to start telling me hw to live.no man bargains for troublesome sister esp wen dey re elder to him.dre is no duty d only tin d mna defends his wife n nva eva speaks of his family issue to his people.if ma mil is sick i beg ma huby to go visit.if ma mom is sick he will leave me and rundown.not cos she is ma mom .but cos of d relatnshp ma mom has built with him.ma mom calls him more dan she calls me.ma mom will wake him at nite to pray.dre is nothin lik i persuaded him to b closer but cos d way ma mom welcomed him.ma mom has never eva demanded a pin frm him.am sayin all dis cos nobody bargains to have a blood dat gives dem headache

Madampinkolo:


I'm glad you were taught how to save and will refuse when you don't have but when the man CANNOT say no just in a bid to avoid confrontation nko??
It is left for us the women to put our feet down and lay down the law simple!!

Madam,
Am not trying to belittle anyone's hubby. No. Infact, my wife may have been facing this type of thing if I hadn't fought the good fight for her even before I met her.
It may even have been worse, cos am the only son and the last. Everybody from mum, to sisters, to aunties to uncles, cousins and distant relations wanted to "help me get a wife". Thus, they are the only ones that have a working "definition of what a good woman is" and why I have to marry a particular girl, from a particular village (most of the time my village). It got to a stage that they were actually becoming a clog in the wheels of my relationships.
I woke up one day and decided to advise myself the way my dad (his late) would have adviced me. He would have told me to make my choice when am ready and by ready I mean being "Ready to face any consequences my choice brings me". He would have told me to first Please Myself, before I please any other person.
After that day, I read a riot act to every family member to let me be. That I was going to marry when it is time. And by that I mean no more match making. But some still tried, unfortunately I ended up breaking their choices heart. Mine was also broken a few times. But, the good thing was, I have control of my life.
When I eventually made my choice and got married, not everyone was pleased with the choice (initially) but they know better than to voice it out. Cos if you don't like her, well it simply means you don't like me and I don't see myself keeping a cordial relationship with you.
I for one know that any member of my family who disrespects my wife, disrespect me.
.
.
And when it comes to finances, why won't I be able to say NO. How can I please the whole world and displease myself. How? why will it be my wife that will be putting her foot down, when I equally know that we don't have enough? Whether it's my wife's side of the family or my side, I and my wife are one and we make decisions Jointly.
As young as my marriage is, we have started cultivating the habit of saying "let me discuss it with my wife/or husband" if it's her.

^^^
Daddy eagleeye2,(E be like say I go change name ooo,which one is Madam?I sound like an old hag with thick glasses )
That's why i said profer solutions if you can..
Many are writing here because the man has not said NO,the man has not read the riot act as you did or he is unlikely to.
What do you suggest they do?? That's the issue.
If my DH and I are drowning and he doesn't know how to swim,I'm going to save him.Or will I wait for him to drown?

Some are married to people who avoid confrontation at ALL cost because they have been programmed to believe that saying No to mom negates all she's done for him.If he then says no,there will be emotional blackmail and crocodile tears and reminders of how my children are my life,i don't have mother or father or siblings,you are my all'.The pressure may become so much that the man just bends to have peace believing that he will be able to sort things out with wifey at home and not knowing that anger and resentment are brewing.

Fortunately for me,the financial part was settled in the first year of marriage BUT there are real people out there who are dealing with insatiable MIL,insatiable siblings.
Remember that some of these men are fantastic in every other way and this is their major failing.They would like to know what to do especially since their spouses cannot step up!

Also,by the time people post their issues on here they must have tried the talking therapy and it didn't work?

Rosarie:
my dear we all pray for good mil n sils.for dat aspect ma hsu dose not gve dem a single chance if not dey re d type dat would ve come to ma house to start telling me hw to live.no man bargains for troublesome sister esp wen dey re elder to him.dre is no duty d only tin d mna defends his wife n nva eva speaks of his family issue to his people.if ma mil is sick i beg ma huby to go visit.if ma mom is sick he will leave me and rundown.not cos she is ma mom .but cos of d relatnshp ma mom has built with him.ma mom calls him more dan she calls me.ma mom will wake him at nite to pray.dre is nothin lik i persuaded him to b closer but cos d way ma mom welcomed him.ma mom has never eva demanded a pin frm him.am sayin all dis cos nobody bargains to have a blood dat gives dem headache

This part touched my medulla oblangata!! You are soooo on point.
My DH loves my parents,they have been fantastic to him..My father calls and advises on finances and investment.My mother,aunties,grandparents,siblings speak with him always to wish him well and encourage him.Pray for him 24 hours,treat him like a king. If I was treated like this would i have ever come on here to sing like parrot?

Madampinkolo:

^^^
Daddy eagleeye2,(E be like say I go change name ooo,which one is Madam?I sound like an old hag with thick glasses )
That's why i said profer solutions if you can..
.
What do you suggest they do?? That's the issue.
If my DH and I are drowning and he doesn't know how to swim,I'm going to save him.Or will I wait for him to drown?

Sister,
we learn more by experience. Either our own or others experiences.
my suggestion is my story, that is the solution I can proffer. As the only son, I love my mum dearly and I am still very close to her. I stay in the same city with her and visit her like 2/3 times in a week.
One thing I have learned and which you will agree with me is that mothers wield a lot of influence over their sons. In short, women can manipulate men easily and when that man is their son it becomes very had to make him see what his mum is doing. If you try to point it out to him, you risk being the very "devil" whom he should fear.
I once had a girl whom I very much like. The day she said something against my mum, actually she was trying to point out a flaw in me. I flared up. But after we broke up, and after series wandering in search of "perfect" woman for my mum. I realized that I will keep going in circles. It took just one day to hear my late fathers voice, asking me to make a choice and stand by it for me to finally figure out everything.
At that time I was living with mum, but I decided to get my own apartment and that choice was the beginning of regaining control over my choices and my life. It wasn't easy, I must tell you. There was blackmail about me being "her husband" and about me not abandoning her. But today, am able to manage everyone to my satisfaction.
Imagine I was still living with mum, and got married under her roof, which was the initial plan. It would have been coming back some days to meet a sulking woman (wifey) and instead of resting, I will be trying to find out what the problem is and pampering her so that the issue doesn't escalate. Cos I can't imagine living under mums roof and confronting her cos of wifey.
The point I am trying to make is that it is better for the men to tactically handle mumsie and other siblings, instead of allowing their wife to lead the confrontation. Cos family will always be family. I can shout for anyone in my family and apologize later, and they will forget because it has always been like that. But if wifey try am....... sorry go be her name.

^^^
I understand you perfectly my Bros,I agree that it is better for the man to handle..
BUT issues here when the man has refused to handle nko?
Confrontation sounds like fight..what I mean is like clearly stating i don't want this or I won't do this.Some spouses have issues with these.
Point is some men cannot say not to mommy and would rather their wives are displeased.
All the woman can do is FACE FRONT and switch off.Or subtly send your message across.
That's what has been advised severally on this page.

Truth is that family is family..I thought that with marriage,i'd still be allowed to be myself,even when i'm angry cos i'm one of them naa.I was disabused of that notion this year.And you have clearly stated that your wifey cannot even display as well cos she'll be on her own.Yet you go wan be my mama& sister when u wan collect things from me .Since I cannot be myself,why would I be expected to be all loving and kind? Best to set everyone at arms length,and to start it early to keep a respectful distance except they've shown to truly love and accept you the way you are.

So in pecking order
1. Hubby and Child
2. My family
3. People i love
4.His family

I cannot give love to people who don't show love to me abeggg.No time.

I dee nor want to Shoook mouth inside this MIL talk. The women who complain turn out to be mothers, they give birth to children and then also pass through the struggle of letting their children be, its a very funny cycle.

Me thinks this is what one should look out for before plunging into a marriage, if relationships were engineering it would be one of those safety critical things that should be near the very top of your list. People grow under different circumstances, to expect something else of them after they are married to you is a big ask. I believe that along your journey with your man before tying the knot you would have had a chance or two to experience how he interacts with the family. If he was the type that steered clear of wahala and let things be - then you have to brace yourself for the ride. If he is like me that barks the marching orders to everyone including the parents then you know that push comes to shove he will be able to take a stand.

We did not choose our parents & siblings, we however chose our partners and with that comes their families.

^^
@Chrisbenogor,
,

My parents that are treating my hubby like a king nko?Are they ghosts?Are they not humans? Did they not pass through the struggle of letting me go?Are they in anyway remotely interested in creating fracas in my home?NO.I am definitely going to follow their example when it's my turn.I'm a mother,I have a role to bring up my children to the best of my ability but in a healthy way so that i don't form unhealthy attachments and sentiments.I intend to have a full life independent of my kids,but always be there for them whenever they need me..In the background,willing to help,not hovering around like a witch.My children must be free to be able to tell me when i'm wrong,I may be 100 years old but I cannot know it all or be right at all times.If people see DIL or SIL as one of them,full of faults as well(not just paying lip service),things will be better in life.Unfortunately,the world on it's own is not that straight forward.

Why is it that in many situations,the family of the lady are more relaxed and welcoming and will always help to push the marriage forward while grooms family always brimming like pot of soup?Who is competing?My brother,my son etc

If you look verry closely,MIL that give trouble have unhappy marriages.A woman who enjoys her husband won't have time to harass her DIL or SIL.A happily married woman will always want her children to experience same joy..There are plenty examples where DIL goes to report her Dh to MIL and d woman will call son to order immediately,even side the DIL..How won't you love such a person?

I strongly believe now that a person should look well well and deep at the family of the man or woman they want to marry.
During the dating years you may feel you can handle a liitle bit of hostility or a greedy MIL,hmmmmm.The greed/whatever is unpalatable is there to stay,it will not go away.If you choose to go forward,you have to have heart like olumo rock but it's best to be informed so you don't go in and get shocked

Would i marry hubby again even with all these,Yes. He's my kinda man.BUT what i'd do different is Face front from day one and keep my distance.

Madampinkolo,

Your parents did an amazing job, however there are many other parents that either by nature or lack of exposure or even being willing to accept to do things differently end up leaving their kids with these "deficiencies". I stress this point because a Marriage is usually between two people from different backgrounds, while one of them might have found it easier to let go the other might not and as long as that person is a partner in the marriage then it would not all be smooth sailing.

Your first paragraph is spot on, it is a discussion that should be held between two serious individuals that are about to get hitched. What I need to add to is, does the other partner agree to these values? I would even go a step further to say it is a conversation that should be held with parents and their maturing teenage kids. To make them realize the importance family values in choosing who their partners would be. Some women just have a domineering personality, has nothing to do with being in an unhappy marriage. The world revolves around them. My own is the onus is on you to know before you enter, once you are inside seat up and deal with it.

You know, I still worry about the challenges we would be forced to accept from our kids as the world around us changes so fast. I think also that we are lucky to understand that we might have to let go at some point. For instance how would I handle it if my daughter comes home with someone who I feel is a bad match for her? Would it be as easy as I would let go and let her be? ......Question for the Gods.

Chrisbenogor:
Madampinkolo,

Your parents did an amazing job, however there are many other parents that either by nature or lack of exposure or even being willing to accept to do things differently end up leaving their kids with these "deficiencies". I stress this point because a Marriage is usually between two people from different backgrounds, while one of them might have found it easier to let go the other might not and as long as that person is a partner in the marriage then it would not all be smooth sailing.

Your first paragraph is spot on, it is a discussion that should be held between two serious individuals that are about to get hitched. What I need to add to is, does the other partner agree to these values? I would even go a step further to say it is a conversation that should be held with parents and their maturing teenage kids. To make them realize the importance family values in choosing who their partners would be. Some women just have a domineering personality, has nothing to do with being in an unhappy marriage. The world revolves around them. My own is the onus is on you to know before you enter, once you are inside seat up and deal with it.

You know, I still worry about the challenges we would be forced to accept from our kids as the world around us changes so fast. I think also that we are lucky to understand that we might have to let go at some point. For instance how would I handle it if my daughter comes home with someone who I feel is a bad match for her? Would be as easy as I would let go and let her be? ......Question for the Gods.

NOw,the bolded is a real question for the gods...I don't know what i'd do in such a situation..
Wickedness,greed,meanness cuts across all classes..Rich,middle class ,poor.
I agree with everything you wrote..start early to instill the values and somehow encourage them to interact with those with the same values who agree!!
In the ideal world,this would happen.However,emotions and false butterflies will keep leading people into traps.I can't say it enough,look carefully before committing.
I guess there's no true solution in the end cos not everyone will be brought up well,not everyone is in a happy marriage so the cycle must continue

Madampinkolo:



NOw,the bolded is a real question for the gods...I don't know what i'd do in such a situation..
Wickedness,greed,meanness cuts across all classes..Rich,middle class ,poor.
I agree with everything you wrote..start early to instill the values and somehow encourage them to interact with those with the same values who agree!!
In the ideal world,this would happen.However,emotions and false butterflies will keep leading people into traps.I can't say it enough,look carefully before committing.
I guess there's no true solution in the end cos not everyone will be brought up well,not everyone is in a happy marriage so the cycle must continue

"Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference."

@madampinkolo aswear, I dey gbadun your face front thingy. Lolll. Laf wan keel me here.
The only thing I keep thanking GOD for is the wisdom he gave me to make DH leave his papa house. Most times if I think about how I wld have been cooking for d whole house, sweeping and satisfy all of them before going to work in d morning, goose pimples go comot from my body Azzin the picture scares me!! I only gave him ultimatum to move out before we cld even fix a date,I bought castle read from page to page for a good place n affordable one..now when his sister comes n try to take over my house, I be like humm, thank God say no be yur papa house oh.

As for me, I don't even allow ple, in-laws inclusive to change who I am. If I'm quiet, I m cos I just wanna be quiet. I no get time.
my family is very close to DH. There isn't anything we don't discuss when he is there, he even talks about my sisters, we make jokes if need be and infact, his closeness to my sisters is grade A.

And I keep telling God...I want to be an extraordinary mil to my dil. Some in-laws are angry with you for just one reason..yu r married to their son or brother!

.

.