Wendy80:


U are a good woman. I pray God help Ur marriage.

Amen! Thanks so much!

lordkrato:


Rope
Robin blue
Knife
Cliff.

You know what all above have in common..
If you're not ready for option A then take B whereby you either grow a thick skin or apply a deal breaker .


Being a whiny arse is not an option to me...

LMAO! I am not suicidal Biko and I am not whining.

taryour:



on a second thought op, you might have offended me in the past. It could be before you got married or after marriage, it might have really broke his heart. He thinks he has forgiven you but deep down he hasn't or hasn't forgotten which is affecting him now and making him act like this. * I could be wrong though * just my thought.

Possibly but why wouldn't he tell me?

Fablady:


Possibly but why wouldn't he tell me?

Hmmmm my sister that's for you to find out o, you know your hubby best and how to go about things with him. You really need to talk to him about it and also think very very deep about it.

Mayb he found out something about your past which you dint tell him yourself.

I always advice people to go into their relationships with a clean slate. Lay all your secrets open cause you will be spending the rest of your life together, there should be no secret at all. No matter how horrible,if he or she truly loves you and is your rightful partner he or she will stay with you and start a new life together. Its best said from the right person than finding out elsewhere.

* I am not saying you might have a secret oo *

Fablady:


Nope..... Dated him for 2 years. And it was not like this during dating. The bond was stronger and we use to do stuff together. Just not happening anymore. He is only interested in me visiting his family with him so they don't ask him y he is coming alone.

^^^^
OP,

There is a limit to how useful the advice you get from on here will be, no matter how well meaning.

From your posts, it seems you had at least some time to get to know your spouse a bit - you courted and got married over a 2 yr period. From what you say, things were not like this when you began. The biggest problem from what I have read up here is your husband's refusal to communicate honestly with you to resolve the problems in your home.

Until that wall is broken down, all you've got is a lot of trial and error, trying to guess what the problem is. As you can see, some posters have said he's seeing someone else. Some say he's lost interest in the marriage. Some say he may just be introverted. Some say he wants out. And so on.

The problem could be all of these things listed, some of them or none of them at all. All I can say from what I can read here is that your husband has to communicate with you to make your marriage work. You are not a mind reader and trying to guess what the problems are (and how to solve them) is of course, a major frustration. Your husband owes you a duty of communicating with you - you are his wife. Even if he is annoyed with you, tired of you or whatever, he owes you a duty of letting you know what his issues are - if indeed he wants the marriage to work.

There is only so much you can do. I do not want to suggest bringing in third parties to mediate yet - sometimes that causes more harm than good. I would suggest you pour out your thoughts, fears and hopes on paper and give them to your husband to read. Take your time and write him a letter - pour out your heart and let him know that he is driving a wedge between you both. A letter may make him less defensive than he would be in a face to face discussion - he can read it without feeling he's being put on the spot. My wife does that sometimes - she puts pen to paper whenever she is upset about something and she can't get through to me. Take your time to write your letter - only you can determine if you want to make it long or short - but let him know that you are reaching the end of your rope. Four years is a long time for you to struggle like this. Try this and get back to us.

You may want to look carefully at some of the advice you have been given here. You are the one married to your husband - you alone know his personality, quirks and foibles. Weigh the advice you have been given very carefully. For example, those suggesting you bring a vibrator to bed may be suggesting something that could backfire spectacularly. It is entirely possible that there are men in this world who might finally recognize your cry for help (if you brought a vibrator to bed) for what it is. There are also some men who might actually welcome this new 'equipment' as 'useful technology' . And it is also very possible that for some other men, your bringing a vibrator could be the kiss of death for your marriage. You are the only one who can predict how your man is likely to respond to stuff like that. Nobody here knows him like you do.

Write that letter to him letting him know that he is leaving you with very few options for resolving your problems. You will have to decide for yourself how you want the tone of your letter to be. Best wishes.

VolvoS60:


^^^^
OP,

There is a limit to how useful the advice you get from on here will be, no matter how well meaning.

From your posts, it seems you had at least some time to get to know your spouse a bit - you courted and got married over a 2 yr period. From what you say, things were not like this when you began. The biggest problem from what I have read up here is your husband's refusal to communicate honestly with you to resolve the problems in your home.

Until that wall is broken down, all you've got is a lot of trial and error, trying to guess what the problem is. As you can see, some posters have said he's seeing someone else. Some say he's lost interest in the marriage. Some say he may just be introverted. Some say he wants out. And so on.

The problem could be all of these things listed, some of them or none of them at all. All I can say from what I can read here is that your husband has to communicate with you to make your marriage work. You are not a mind reader and trying to guess what the problems are (and how to solve them) is of course, a major frustration. Your husband owes you a duty of communicating with you - you are his wife. Even if he is annoyed with you, tired of you or whatever, he owes you a duty of letting you know what his issues are - if indeed he wants the marriage to work.

There is only so much you can do. I do not want to suggest bringing in third parties to mediate yet - sometimes that causes more harm than good. I would suggest you pour out your thoughts, fears and hopes on paper and give them to your husband to read. Take your time and write him a letter - pour out your heart and let him know that he is driving a wedge between you. A letter may make him less defensive than he would be in a face to face discussion - he can read it without feeling he's being put on the spot. My wife does that sometimes whenever she is upset and she can't get through to me. Take your time to write it - only you can determine if you want to make it long or short - but let him know that you are reaching the end of your rope. Four years is a long time for you to struggle like this. Try this and get back to us.

You may want to look carefully at some of the advice you have been given here. You are the one married to your husband - you alone know his personality, quirks and foibles. Weigh the advice you have been given very carefully. For example, those suggesting you bring a vibrator to bed may be suggesting something that could backfire spectacularly. It is entirely possible that there are men in this world who might finally recognize your cry for help (if you brought a vibrator to bed) for what it is. There are also some men who might actually welcome this new 'equipment' as useful technology . And it is also very possible that for some other men, your bringing a vibrator could be the kiss of death for your marriage. You are the only one who can predict how your man is likely to respond to stuff like that. Nobody here knows him like you do.

Write that letter to him letting him know that he is leaving you with very few options for resolving your problems. You will have to decide for yourself how you want the tone of your letter to be. Best wishes.

Nice input. Words of wisdom.

I think difference in libido might be a root cause of these issues ma'am.

Its most likely your libido is like 1zillion and ur man, 100, hence he's not too keen about sex as much as u want him to.

As in, there's possibility you want it "fire-fire" "hot-hot" as d marriage is still fresh and hot but he aint forth coming.

Fablady:


Yes he works
I don't know if he is depressed. He prefers to be left alone and does not want to talk
He is healthy
He is very happy at work, lol
He does have erectioon/ejaculatioon problems when he does not want to have sex and I want to
No financial problems. We are not rich but we are doing ok
I don't know if there is another woman
Yes we sleep on the same bed every night

You are the "owner" of the man
You should be able to put him in a "state" where he can open up to you and sees you as a frend and not a foe.
When he does open up to you it may not be totally and You may not get the nitty gritty of what exactly is happening, but you will have a fair idea of what the problem is. Opening up doesnt always mean verbally. He may be communicating in different ways but you are not noticing.

Whatever the issue is regardless of whether for example its an offence, an affair, low libido, issues elsewhere, psychological issues, financial, health etc you will get to have an idea what has changed your man from the way he was 2 years ago.

I will be truthful and tell you that it wont be an overnight change and some things you are going to probably have to live with for the rest of the marriage, but you can ease some things.
The change will be gradiual and will take time

Basically what you are both doing now, is not communicating and each person is in his/her own world. You need to gradually get out of that. Dont rush it . .small small day by day. One day sit beside him and have a few minute general diuscussion on a topic that cannot cause any friction and you both agree on. Next day sit with him and watch a tv programme with him. Little by little make your presense radiate around him. You dont have to talk. Your being there is enough.

Forget all the "difficult" discussuons for now. Dont accuse him of anything and dont ask him any difficult questions. Just be there. With time he will feel free with your presense and start to open up more.

Dont get me wrong, there are issues, but it will take time and patience to unravel.

In the meantime, if its something that you will both like to consider, an indepenmdent marriage counselor may be able to help with a few things, but he has to be interested.

U lack manners...

lordkrato:


Hmmm.. Are you a fool for hire?

If not, then I advice you change your career path.

That's how people don't get husbands in the future and wouldn't remember that they complained and formed that they wanted someone who will be their perfect clay , not even man sef

Idiot.

Fablady:


I have no idea. When I try to ask him, it ends up in a quarrel. I have cried and begged. Does not work at all. You will be surprised he mentions divorce in some instances. I never thought of it. He said there is no point me forcing it if it is not working.

Maybe he is cheating, I do not know. But he claims he is not that kind of person and Everytime I bring that topic up, he is always edgy and defensive, and of course makes me feel bad about bring it up.

But really..... How long can a woman cope without good romance in her marriage?

u must not wait for ur hubby to start the move, u can make him feel like a man, romance him to the last then he has no option than to give it to you, with time he will be the one pleading for more. with the power of a woman, u can make it work out for both of u, also pray over it.

Fablady:


Amen! Thanks so much!

@OP:

Look at VolvoS60's post and see how it goes especially with the letter

Be insensitive yourself!
To HIM only!

Divorce is not necessary!
TIT FOR TAT!

Wishing you the best in this journey. I hate insensitive men with passion. Try and make yourself happy.

bigmummy7:
u must not wait for ur hubby to start the move, u can make him feel like a man, romance him to the last then he has no option than to give it to you, with time he will be the one pleading for more. with the power of a woman, u can make it work out for both of u, also pray over it.

Bigmummy has spoken!

5minsmadness:
None of you have asked her what the man means when he says it's her fault

@tearoses
Dontim1
innervoice
Rudebouy
taryour

Why don't you ask her?

innervoice:


Why don't you ask her?

Cos you folks were doing such a great job
And she won't take my moniker serious.

It seems women have this idea that all their problems in life would be solved once they get married?
Dont you think the man too has his own problems he is dealing with
Were you happy as a single? then continue doing the things that made you happy as a single.

Your husband knows what is his problem. How insentitive indeed is he, keeping quiet so that when you are tired you will know what to do and his people whom he married you to please wont blame him. That you courted for 2yrs does not mean you took the right steps to know him and the introverted stuff covered alot. You played together but you never knew him. When you are tired of just lol about this serious matter you will ask yourself if you want to be like this in the next 5yrs. Do a smart, wise, thorough background check on him, his family, growing up, happenings before he married you from a reliable source in his family or someone who knows him well, you might find answers.

Fablady:


Answered all these questions in earlier posts.

Your man is an introverted Loner that sees marriage as societal requirement for a grown man, he bottles up emotions, doesn't wanna be disturbed forgetting he's in a binding contract with you and you on the other hand ignored the signs , now you resent him for this. #sigh#

If the mountain wouldn't come to Mohamed then Mohamed should go to the mountain. Crying and pleading only won't solve your problem, he's like an onion that needs to be peeled in layers. It may take months or even years to achieve this. You need a professional help.

Please go with Tearoses advice, this is a gradual process. Im not gonna lie, it's a daunting task but it's doable.

Mind you counselling is not an automatic remedy, you still have to put effort into your marriage, if you think he's worth the stress.

I honestly wish you good luck. You need it.

Floodgater:
Your husband knows what is his problem. How insentitive indeed is he, keeping quiet so that when you are tired you will know what to do and his people whom he married you to please wont blame him. That you courted for 2yrs does not mean you took the right steps to know him and the introverted stuff covered alot. You played together but you never knew him. When you are tired of just lol about this serious matter you will ask yourself if you want to be like this in the next 5yrs. Do a smart, wise, thorough background check on him, his family, growing up, happenings before he married you from a reliable source in his family or someone who knows him well, you might find answers.

Lol again but thanks! I lol to go through this. If not, I would have gone crazy.

Ewuro4:


Your man is an introverted Loner that sees marriage as societal requirement for a grown man, he bottles up emotions, doesn't wanna be disturbed forgetting he's in a binding contract with you and you on the other hand ignored the signs , now you resent him for this. #sigh#

If the mountain wouldn't come to Mohamed then Mohamed should go to the mountain. Crying and pleading only won't solve your problem, he's like an onion that needs to be peeled in layers. It may take months or even years to achieve this. You need a professional help.

Please go with Tearoses advice, this is a gradual process. Im not gonna lie, it's a daunting task but it's doable.

Mind you counselling is not an automatic remedy, you still have to put effort into your marriage, if you think he's worth the stress.

I honestly wish you good luck. You need it.

Thanks!

Out of interest, were you both virgins upon marriage? My apologies if I missed that info anywhere.

Flytefalls:
Out of interest, were you both virgins upon marriage? My apologies if I missed that info anywhere.

No but quite inexperienced.

Fablady:


Lol again but thanks! I lol to go through this. If not, I would have gone crazy.

You are indeed a fabulous lady, i pray for God's strength and wisdom to help you through this.

@ op

It seems your husbands family like you, have you tried to discuss this issue with his mummy or your hubby's close friend?

Dear OP; What i m about to write might not be liked and could be strange, please do not ignore.
Wake up in the middle of the night and start praying for your family. it works wonders.
Please, wake up before him to say morning prayers and make sure the instant he wakes up, Go on your knees and greet him, then say some words of prayer about his day.
If you have been sad, change your attitude, your happiness can change the atmosphere of the home.
Be kinder and sweet the more without pissing him.
When he gets home after work, give him a hug and peck his cheek ( surprise him)
Dont relax or be discouraged if it doesnt yield results fast, he ll come around.
Sit with him while eating, you dont have to chat him up.
If he is reading; pick up yours around him and read.
If its looking like you are disturbing his space- you can let him be.
If you can try these; if there are secrets you will discover them sooner than you think.
If there are none, you will discover more ways to make your home stand. A WOMAN IS THE KEEPER OF HER HOME.

Fablady:


Lol@ I wan marry I wan marry. My sister, what can we do na? If only society can let us be....

Really? So where is the society now to bear this with you? The day we learn to form strong individual opinions/persona without unnecessary attachments to society/family thinks the day freedom
/happiness/ self fulfilment will germinate in our lives.

fem29:


My dear all I can say is try to make yourself happy. Read motivational books and articles. If you have tried to bring him closer and he does not want then allow him. Think of yourself as single. If you want a child then at least you have sex once every 2 months, try to make it count, maybe take fertility drugs.

I know we all go into marriage hoping that the person we marry will add more joy and love into our lives, once in a while that happens but most of the time it doesn't, I'm being v frank here. If you are seeing he is not interested then you have to take control of your own well being. Meet up with friends, join a gym, go swimming, go to the movies, start a business. Create emotional detachment from him, don't let what he does upset you. If he comes back great, if not then let things come to a natural end.

chop knuckle!

Fablady:
In a nutshell, he does not care about how I feel. He can't be bothered about what is going on with me or in the home. Intimate things that husbands should know about their wives....nada. Sex life.....total disaster. Every time I try to talk to him about working things out, it ends up in a quarrel with him blaming me for everything. Every single thing has to be my fault. I feel emotionally and psychologically abused. Not sure how long I can cope with the abuse. I don't think he loves me, and I mean the type of love a man should have for his wife. If he ever did, I believe it ended the day after marriage.

@ Op

I understood you story very well because I had the same challenge with husband. Our marriage lasted for almost 5 years and we divorced few months back. Even though, I married in my 30s, I was a virgin and had no experience on how to handle men. I think we started quarreling 7 months after our marriage but I did not notice it much because I loved him so much.

Prior, to our marriage, I was a civil servant had 2 businesses and a mortgaged house yet to pay which I got from my office. I contributed a lot to our wedding even took up the responsibility of buying our food when I moved into his house.

After our wedding, he asked me to relocate to where he was, I resigned from my job, stopped my business and followed him. When I moved in, I united him and his brothers, supported him to help them solve their problems. I also contributed when we built our 2 houses in the village. Being a hardworking lady, I never requested money from him and even use my money to buy things for his mother. I did all these because I wanted to build my marriage.

My dear, my husband changed 7 months after our marriage. We started quarreling over any little thing. I noticed if I am happy he is sad but if I am sad he is happy. Every single thing has to be my fault and I kept apologizing all the time. I was equally emotionally and psychologically abused. I tried to discuss with him on many occasions but he will never listen to me. It got to a time we got use to being sad My sister, I kept fasting and praying for peace in my home. The worst part of the whole story is that he stopped praying and when I pray alone, he walks to me to tell me to stop disturbing God. Since, I moved into his house I had constant nightmares and my period does not not stop. Yet, I kept praying and visiting hospital for 5 years. But, when ever he travels my period will be regular and normal

I never complained to any one but God. He even tries to discourage me from calling his mother and brothers wife. During our IVF he does everything not to go to the hospital with me and says I should not depend on it. He kept saying everyone must not have a child so I should worry less. When I had stomach pains he was watching football and refused to take to me to the hospital. I had to crawl to the hospital all alone. When I got to the hospital I was admitted and he called me because he needed food.

When he pays our house rent he complains he had no money. When we won lottery of about 1millon Naira, he listed the things he will do with the money and bought secondhand clothing for me from it. I was happy and thanked him. Yet, I bought and cooked our food throughout our stay together. My dear, I wash his cloths, clean the house and stock the house with the money I made from my former business. The money he gave me after our marriage I gave back to assist him. In fact, I was ready to give my life for this guy because he was my first love. I also paid our house rent on may occasions. I tried my best to make him happy but he is never happy expect I carry all the house burden.

On his birthday, I buy things for him and prepares his favourite meal. On my birthday, he forgets it and when I remind him, he says everyday is birthday. He always try to annoy me but he is so nice to people outside. Friends envy me because they do not know what I was passing through. Yet my sister, I kept praying to God till....

[quote author=Marylong post=33565074][/quote] Please finish it, somebody might learn a thing or two.

Floodgater:
Please finish it, somebody might learn a thing or two.

My dear, I do not know whether to call this summary because I can't complete 5 year story here oh

By the way, someone suggested that the poster should write down her thoughts on paper and give to her husband. I did the same thing then but my own backfired. In fact, he sent a text message to inform his brother He refused to eat, did not talk to me and slept in another room. I ended up apologizing for doing that oh!

I saw myself pampering a grown man just to have peace in my home. I was always crying on the street like a mad woman and sad when I want to go home. It was so bad that he will never discuss anything with me. I kept asking him why he came to marry me and what went wrong after the marriage. He said nothing went wrong. Another problem is that no one can advise him not even his mother.

He was always comparing our families and every good news from mine family made him sad. While his family are fine but he does not see it.

However, I decided one day to ignore him. I stopped asking him about his work, his health and what he wants to eat. That worked He suddenly changed his behaviour and apologized to me. He promised to take good care of me when he has money, that he loved me and is only worried he cannot take care of me I told him to relax that I only needed peace and nothing else (But, for where ) The show began again after few days.

One day, my sister in- law decided to bring her pastor to the village for family prayers. I traveled to village without my husband and my mother in-law was happy about the whole idea. During the prayers the pastor said that my womb was tied by someone in the family. I was kind of expecting such prophesy from him But, when the man started praying oh! My mother in-law became very angry and asked the pastor to stop. The pastor refused and suddenly wanted to go outside for more prayers. My dear, my mother in-law rushed and locked her door. She warned that no one should pray in her house again. Imagine, 3 wives yet to give birth and our mother in-law suddenly became excited about the whole thing. she was shouting old cargoes throughout that night. We were dumbfounded. The pastor stayed in doors and prayed before leaving the next day, he prophesied breakthrough for us and death for the suspect. My mother in-law swept the pastors footprints from the living room to the gate.

I then decided to stay away for sometime from my husband, I applied for further studies in another state and left. He called to tell me he has divorced me

This is not Nollywood story oh!

Sometimes men behave like this when they discover their wives have been one time or the other unfaithful in the past and this part you have not told us...... I don't expect to tell us this part anyway