Sometimes men behave like this when they discover their wives have been one time or the other unfaithful in the past and this part you have not told us...... I don't expect you to tell us this part anyway. reading your various post here I am inclined to believe that deep down you know what the issues are but you have refused to face them squarely. ..... or could this be an issue of an ex lover ? you are the wife madam give your problems the exact attention they need and stop seeking unwarranted emotional justification to sweep the issues under the carpet cos they will never go away.

nautybride:
Dear OP; What i m about to write might not be liked and could be strange, please do not ignore.
Wake up in the middle of the night and start praying for your family. it works wonders.
Please, wake up before him to say morning prayers and make sure the instant he wakes up, Go on your knees and greet him, then say some words of prayer about his day.
If you have been sad, change your attitude, your happiness can change the atmosphere of the home.
Be kinder and sweet the more without pissing him.
When he gets home after work, give him a hug and peck his cheek ( surprise him)
Dont relax or be discouraged if it doesnt yield results fast, he ll come around.
Sit with him while eating, you dont have to chat him up.
If he is reading; pick up yours around him and read.
If its looking like you are disturbing his space- you can let him be.
If you can try these; if there are secrets you will discover them sooner than you think.
If there are none, you will discover more ways to make your home stand. A WOMAN IS THE KEEPER OF HER HOME.

The death of relationships begins with the dearth of communications.
Problem most times is, the breakdown creeps in ever so slowly, and by the time ppl starts seeing the symptoms, it's already a raging problem, both parties have taken their moral high grounds and efforts to reach out to the other from that position, usually is to justify their position...and the cycle continues.

One tin peeps need to realize, Every Action in a Relationship IS a Communication of some sort... yes, the communication is not bin done d right way, but there's a communication, a reaching out.

Like the poster above has suggested, there are lil tins that may not look to matter but are VERY important, and one is not allowing that chasm btwn u 2 be created.There's a saying'the family that prays together, stays together' and this is so true. Nautybrides suggestions are so true
Volvo6 also made some good points also.


Finally, I've a feeling one of the main issues here is the childlessness. Whatever it is tho, u need to face it honestly, prayerfully and in the right way. Children or not, if you aren't happy, you still won't be happy.





P.s; dissing your husband's sexual inadequacies on a forum, whether anonymous or not isn't wise and is quite disturbing thinking about it. Resentment manifests subtly but can't be hid.
All the best@fablady

dBard:

P.s; dissing your husband's sexual inadequacies on a forum, whether anonymous or not isn't wise and is quite disturbing thinking about it. Resentment manifests subtly but can't be hid.
All the best@fablady

She has a lot bottled up in her mind, she can't but free herself. You can keep your home fablady, you can feel loved again, you can have the children you want, dont lose hope. Do not let Marylong's experience discourage you. There is the right road when you at a crossroad depending on where you want it to lead you ( the destination you want). Work on your marriage dearie, a great you ll build.

@ Marylong; I m not here to condemn you but taking the responsibility of your husband in his own home can cause lots of issues. Men love it when you allow them be THE MAN - THE HEAD OF HIS HOME.
You were trying to help but ...........
You have just exhibited our character as women. The first things you wrote about as you started the post were things you did to help. Left your job, paid for food......
When you left your job and stopped businesses: was it on his command? If it was; Did you persuade him to let you keep one or two?
Did he tell you he cant feed his wife?
Was he jobless when you married him? Were you too desperate to please him? They want us to be stubborn few times; the house wont be boring ............

At times, we just pray and pray and pray. Do you know we are to WATCH and pray. If you pray for money, dont you have to work?

Please, i m not saying he is right in treating you badly but i wish to make you see some negligible points.

nautybride:



She has a lot bottled up in her mind, she can't but free herself. You can keep your home fablady, you can feel loved again, you can have the children you want, dont lose hope. Do not let Marylong's experience discourage you. There is the right road when you at a crossroad depending on where you want it to lead you ( the destination you want). Work on your marriage dearie, a great you ll build.

Please, I did not post my experiences to discourage anyone about marriage. I posted to inform Fablady that she is not the only one in such situation. I think most men behave this way in marriage because they do not really want to marry. Our society and parents forced them to marry. Courtship and dating suits them well but not marriage

@ fablady,
1. My advise to you is to hold unto God, ask him to rekindle the love in your marriage and to direct you.
2. Keep performing your duties as a wife.
3. You can get some infor. about his behave from his friend or mother.
4. Try to have a hobby and good friends you can easily hang out with if you feel like it.
5. Have some savings for yourself, it is necessary.

Lastly, God can change him be hopeful and patient

nautybride:
@ Marylong; I m not here to condemn you but taking the responsibility of your husband in his own home can cause lots of issues. Men love it when you allow them be THE MAN - THE HEAD OF HIS HOME.
You were trying to help but ...........
You have just exhibited our character as women. The first things you wrote about as you started the post were things you did to help. Left your job, paid for food......
When you left your job and stopped businesses: was it on his command? If it was; Did you persuade him to let you keep one or two?
Did he tell you he cant feed his wife?
Was he jobless when you married him? Were you too desperate to please him? They want us to be stubborn few times; the house wont be boring ............

At times, we just pray and pray and pray. Do you know we are to WATCH and pray. If you pray for money, dont you have to work?

Please, i m not saying he is right in treating you badly but i wish to make you see some negligible points.

Thanks for pointing out those issues. I am aware that men are head of the family. I also knew my responsibility as a wife but I think my own man is different from others. He shy's away from his responsibilities and I have never complained about it. As a helper, I try to cover his mistakes and assist him.

Yes dear, he asked me to leave everything and resign from my work. I can't keep the business going because I relocated to where he was. I sold off everything and saved part of the money in my account. He knew he wanted to breakup but wanted to use my saving to complete his last house. You may ask how do I know this? He came requesting me to bring my savings and even tried to withdraw the money from my online account

Prior to the wedding, he has a job and no investments. Our houses were built because I supported him but his family did not know about it. I was optimistic that we can make it together as a family. When I moved into his house, I got a very small job and took up other responsibilities while he pay the house rent. He was happy about the idea but gradually he started complaining about the house rent too. When we have no money to pay house rent he travels out of town and I have to borrow to pay it. He still does not pay me back even when I request.

@ nautybride, please, forget about my issue. I thinks its my destiny. Thanks for your concern

[quote author=Marylong post=33598433][/quote] You mean he was the one that divorced you, like you could have continued wasting your life...hmmm God really love you so much to rescue you. Never mind any negative reception of your story, those that want to learn will learn. It was not your destiny, just that bad things happen to good people sometimes. You are wiser, better and stronger because it couldnt break you and the God that delivered you still has goodies for you.

I think marylong's experience is different from the op's. In her case I see it more as a woman who met and fell desperately in love with a man who didn't love her but wanted her wealth and resourcefulness. Like she said, it was her first love@30! I might be wrong but I think marylong might have gotten married to this man out of duress /societal pressure etc. and was willing to do anything and everything to make this marriage work.

Marylong, people may think am crazy for saying this but I think u still love this guy. I also think though you are now separated he still finds ways of communicating with u probably for financial reasons(I could be wrong on this second part). I think u should cut off ALL communication with him. Make it abrupt and instantaneous. Refuse to pick his calls or text messages. Use this time to build up your life, if possible restart your old businesses. I assure you he will seek you out.

If you still want to reconcile after all he put you through then when he comes calling you must lay down all your ground rules. Make sure you don't hand your finances over to him ever again except in life and death situations. Make him work at being the head of the house. He will appreciate you more and you in turn will be fulfilled.

Is still difficult to know that marylong's Ex-Mil had a hand in frustrating her son's marriage that's if the son is not also a spiritual partner with the mum or its civilization to pretend it didnt happen.

@ Marylong,

Run away from that family they are evil. God saved you and he will continue saving you. Don't worry karma awaits them. Try to start your business again and God will bless you more. Evil family!

So there are still male gold diggers out there? @ Mary: i v sent u a pm

Thanks all, I appreciate your advise. I will stick to them and God willing I will recover fast again.

@ nautybride
Please, did I reply your pm well? I be JJC oh!

FinNews:
@ op

It seems your husbands family like you, have you tried to discuss this issue with his mummy or your hubby's close friend?

He has no friend, talk less of close friend oh. Only family and colleagues at work. I do not want to involve family just yet.

olumidazz:
Sometimes men behave like this when they discover their wives have been one time or the other unfaithful in the past and this part you have not told us...... I don't expect to tell us this part anyway

Sorry to disappoint you. Never been unfaithful to him.

olumidazz:
Sometimes men behave like this when they discover their wives have been one time or the other unfaithful in the past and this part you have not told us...... I don't expect you to tell us this part anyway. reading your various post here I am inclined to believe that deep down you know what the issues are but you have refused to face them squarely. ..... or could this be an issue of an ex lover ? you are the wife madam give your problems the exact attention they need and stop seeking unwarranted emotional justification to sweep the issues under the carpet cos they will never go away.

And please mind your words, ok? You do not have to say anything if you don't have anything meaningful to say. Don't be rude... You do not understand my situation, so be quiet!

Marylong:


Please, I did not post my experiences to discourage anyone about marriage. I posted to inform Fablady that she is not the only one in such situation. I think most men behave this way in marriage because they do not really want to marry. Our society and parents forced them to marry. Courtship and dating suits them well but not marriage

@ fablady,
1. My advise to you is to hold unto God, ask him to rekindle the love in your marriage and to direct you.
2. Keep performing your duties as a wife.
3. You can get some infor. about his behave from his friend or mother.
4. Try to have a hobby and good friends you can easily hang out with if you feel like it.
5. Have some savings for yourself, it is necessary.


Lastly, God can change him be hopeful and patient

Thanks Marylong! I wish you all the best.

Marylong:
Thanks all, I appreciate your advise. I will stick to them and God willing I will recover fast again.

@ nautybride
Please, did I reply your pm well? I be JJC oh!

Yes you did. Check your mail.

Marylong:


@ Op

I understood you story very well because I had the same challenge with husband. Our marriage lasted for almost 5 years and we divorced few months back. Even though, I married in my 30s, I was a virgin and had no experience on how to handle men. I think we started quarreling 7 months after our marriage but I did not notice it much because I loved him so much.

Prior, to our marriage, I was a civil servant had 2 businesses and a mortgaged house yet to pay which I got from my office. I contributed a lot to our wedding even took up the responsibility of buying our food when I moved into his house.

After our wedding, he asked me to relocate to where he was, I resigned from my job, stopped my business and followed him. When I moved in, I united him and his brothers, supported him to help them solve their problems. I also contributed when we built our 2 houses in the village. Being a hardworking lady, I never requested money from him and even use my money to buy things for his mother. I did all these because I wanted to build my marriage.

My dear, my husband changed 7 months after our marriage. We started quarreling over any little thing. I noticed if I am happy he is sad but if I am sad he is happy. Every single thing has to be my fault and I kept apologizing all the time. I was equally emotionally and psychologically abused. I tried to discuss with him on many occasions but he will never listen to me. It got to a time we got use to being sad My sister, I kept fasting and praying for peace in my home. The worst part of the whole story is that he stopped praying and when I pray alone, he walks to me to tell me to stop disturbing God. Since, I moved into his house I had constant nightmares and my period does not not stop. Yet, I kept praying and visiting hospital for 5 years. But, when ever he travels my period will be regular and normal

I never complained to any one but God. He even tries to discourage me from calling his mother and brothers wife. During our IVF he does everything not to go to the hospital with me and says I should not depend on it. He kept saying everyone must not have a child so I should worry less. When I had stomach pains he was watching football and refused to take to me to the hospital. I had to crawl to the hospital all alone. When I got to the hospital I was admitted and he called me because he needed food.

When he pays our house rent he complains he had no money. When we won lottery of about 1millon Naira, he listed the things he will do with the money and bought secondhand clothing for me from it. I was happy and thanked him. Yet, I bought and cooked our food throughout our stay together. My dear, I wash his cloths, clean the house and stock the house with the money I made from my former business. The money he gave me after our marriage I gave back to assist him. In fact, I was ready to give my life for this guy because he was my first love. I also paid our house rent on may occasions. I tried my best to make him happy but he is never happy expect I carry all the house burden.

On his birthday, I buy things for him and prepares his favourite meal. On my birthday, he forgets it and when I remind him, he says everyday is birthday. He always try to annoy me but he is so nice to people outside. Friends envy me because they do not know what I was passing through. Yet my sister, I kept praying to God till....

sorry for having you quoted..but you aren't human nor are you a woman..

Marylong:


My dear, I do not know whether to call this summary because I can't complete 5 year story here oh

By the way, someone suggested that the poster should write down her thoughts on paper and give to her husband. I did the same thing then but my own backfired. In fact, he sent a text message to inform his brother He refused to eat, did not talk to me and slept in another room. I ended up apologizing for doing that oh!

I saw myself pampering a grown man just to have peace in my home. I was always crying on the street like a mad woman and sad when I want to go home. It was so bad that he will never discuss anything with me. I kept asking him why he came to marry me and what went wrong after the marriage. He said nothing went wrong. Another problem is that no one can advise him not even his mother.

He was always comparing our families and every good news from mine family made him sad. While his family are fine but he does not see it.

However, I decided one day to ignore him. I stopped asking him about his work, his health and what he wants to eat. That worked He suddenly changed his behaviour and apologized to me. He promised to take good care of me when he has money, that he loved me and is only worried he cannot take care of me I told him to relax that I only needed peace and nothing else (But, for where ) The show began again after few days.

One day, my sister in- law decided to bring her pastor to the village for family prayers. I traveled to village without my husband and my mother in-law was happy about the whole idea. During the prayers the pastor said that my womb was tied by someone in the family. I was kind of expecting such prophesy from him But, when the man started praying oh! My mother in-law became very angry and asked the pastor to stop. The pastor refused and suddenly wanted to go outside for more prayers. My dear, my mother in-law rushed and locked her door. She warned that no one should pray in her house again. Imagine, 3 wives yet to give birth and our mother in-law suddenly became excited about the whole thing. she was shouting old cargoes throughout that night. We were dumbfounded. The pastor stayed in doors and prayed before leaving the next day, he prophesied breakthrough for us and death for the suspect. My mother in-law swept the pastors footprints from the living room to the gate.

I then decided to stay away for sometime from my husband, I applied for further studies in another state and left. He called to tell me he has divorced me

This is not Nollywood story oh!

even if this is Hollywood..felt so emotional bout the whole thing..

Marylong:


Thanks for pointing out those issues. I am aware that men are head of the family. I also knew my responsibility as a wife but I think my own man is different from others. He shy's away from his responsibilities and I have never complained about it. As a helper, I try to cover his mistakes and assist him.

Yes dear, he asked me to leave everything and resign from my work. I can't keep the business going because I relocated to where he was. I sold off everything and saved part of the money in my account. He knew he wanted to breakup but wanted to use my saving to complete his last house. You may ask how do I know this? He came requesting me to bring my savings and even tried to withdraw the money from my online account

Prior to the wedding, he has a job and no investments. Our houses were built because I supported him but his family did not know about it. I was optimistic that we can make it together as a family. When I moved into his house, I got a very small job and took up other responsibilities while he pay the house rent. He was happy about the idea but gradually he started complaining about the house rent too. When we have no money to pay house rent he travels out of town and I have to borrow to pay it. He still does not pay me back even when I request.

@ nautybride, please, forget about my issue. I thinks its my destiny. Thanks for your concern

that's not your destiny please..that husband of yours is not whom you courted with..thanks for sharing your story ..that dude just lost an angel..and his momma too?..don't wanna talk about it..stay happy lady.

REMMEI:



that's not your destiny please..that husband of yours is not whom you courted with..thanks for sharing your story ..that dude just lost an angel..and his momma too?..don't wanna talk about it..stay happy lady.

I am flattered. Thanks so much @ nautybride, you made my day Thanks too

Fablady:


He has no friend, talk less of close friend oh. Only family and colleagues at work. I do not want to involve family just yet.

Okay, I hope everything works out soon. If not, you may reconsider having a heart to heart chat with your MIL. In my opinion, 4 years is too long for this sort of joke.

Take care of yourself and all the best!

i really feel for u Fablady,bt who am i to gv advice m nt married yet,had a relationship like dat wif ma ex,d funny tyn is dis type of men usually meet ladies dat falls deeply in luv wif dem.dey keep treating us bad,for those dat said d op might af cheated on her hubby,i want u to know dat u r totally wrong.and fr doz dat were asking if they courted,i bet they did like d op said.men tend to bring up a diff habit once dey get wat they want frm a woman e.g sex,marriage etc,
i jez want Op to be prayerful bcoz derz notin prayer can not do,knw dat every marriagr has challenges,accept dis as ur challenge,bt pray to God n charge him to touch ur husband.even our mothers faced worst problems yet they endured.d only time u r free to walk away is if hr becomes abusive eg beats u.i pray God ansas u speedy.

teasel:
Those married to Nigerian men are in the best position to answer this.

i

i

My sister, marriage is not easyoooooo. Na only God dey comfort woman when marriage wahala raised him head. My advice to you at this point in your marriage is to embrace God, read your bible, attend fellowships and most importantly don't forget to pray. I tell you most sincerely that all I have told you is what I practice when marriage challenges like yours tries to raise it ugly head in my home. Don't keep malice with your hubby and always try to tell him you are sorry if you have offended him in anyway. Play your parts my sister and leave the rest to God. Remember what shall be shall be. It is well with your home in Jesus name amen. And don't succumb to divorce because it is never a good experience, ask those in it except one is married to a beast and I know yours is not. Once again, remember, nothing is too difficult for our God to handle. May the Peace of the Lord rest upon your home once again, amen.

teasel:
Those married to Nigerian men are in the best position to answer this.

Where is your husband from?

@fablady. Ok, so there's 2 things I'd like to think.

First is, well you need to not lose yourself in this hopelessness. Honestly, it's probably consuming you, and all you can think of and it's stressing you out. I suggest you, refocus yourself. Think of your long-term happiness. He's supposed to be interested and invested in it too, and I'm afraid he isn't. Start by being more passionate about yourself, your looks, your career and so on. Get hobbies, be happy. Because, if he sees you happy regardless of the state he's trying to put you in, massive he'll try to investigate it. Or, maybe he really is looking for a way out and you won't be completely devastated because you'll have so much going for you in the meantime.

Second, are you sure he's straight? It sounds like he's made you his beard. As in the woman who is the front for the world that he's a bonified straight man. He's not interested in anything, but wants to around his family so as not to arouse their suspicions. He lured you into his life, and you have served your purpose. You probably aren't the type to divorce etc, so he knows you'll stick around. I've got a sneaky feeling this is the case...

lastnogood:
@fablady. Ok, so there's 2 things I'd like to think.

First is, well you need to not lose yourself in this hopelessness. Honestly, it's probably consuming you, and all you can think of and it's stressing you out. I suggest you, refocus yourself. Think of your long-term happiness. He's supposed to be interested and invested in it too, and I'm afraid he isn't. Start by being more passionate about yourself, your looks, your career and so on. Get hobbies, be happy. Because, if he sees you happy regardless of the state he's trying to put you in, massive he'll try to investigate it. Or, maybe he really is looking for a way out and you won't be completely devastated because you'll have so much going for you in the meantime.

Second, are you sure he's straight? It sounds like he's made you his beard. As in the woman who is the front for the world that he's a bonified straight man. He's not interested in anything, but wants to around his family so as not to arouse their suspicions. He lured you into his life, and you have served your purpose. You probably aren't the type to divorce etc, so he knows you'll stick around. I've got a sneaky feeling this is the case...

Thanks. I have been managing and trying to distract myself with work and chores. On your second paragraph, I never thought in that direction. I don't think so. I would rather think he might be cheating.

Marylong:


Thanks for pointing out those issues. I am aware that men are head of the family. I also knew my responsibility as a wife but I think my own man is different from others. He shy's away from his responsibilities and I have never complained about it. As a helper, I try to cover his mistakes and assist him.

Yes dear, he asked me to leave everything and resign from my work. I can't keep the business going because I relocated to where he was. I sold off everything and saved part of the money in my account. He knew he wanted to breakup but wanted to use my saving to complete his last house. You may ask how do I know this? He came requesting me to bring my savings and even tried to withdraw the money from my online account

Prior to the wedding, he has a job and no investments. Our houses were built because I supported him but his family did not know about it. I was optimistic that we can make it together as a family. When I moved into his house, I got a very small job and took up other responsibilities while he pay the house rent. He was happy about the idea but gradually he started complaining about the house rent too. When we have no money to pay house rent he travels out of town and I have to borrow to pay it. He still does not pay me back even when I request.

@ nautybride, please, forget about my issue. I thinks its my destiny. Thanks for your concern

It is well with you dear... Trust me! Women are going thru a whole lot in this thing called marriage. Sometimes I just wonder if it's worth the stress! #sigh