thewife306:
Before anyone would ask if he wasn't like this before marriage. No he wasn't. He never cautioned me harshly in private not to talk of in public.
When we were newly married he shouts at me in his younger brother's presence. (Why will they give me respect)
He did it in the presence of our plumber cos I told him the prices of the items were expensive.
Then our househelp. He does it so often that I begin to wonder what point he was trying to prove. To the extent that the lady started losing respect for me and giving me attitude anytime I caution her. That he even told her not to do what I asked her to do.
Then the most recent was in church. He was struggling wit our toddler that he fell and I asked him to leave him. He just started shouting and everyone was looking.
I really am not happy. And unknown to him, this is reducing my love for him. Cos i cant love someone dat disrespects me. I use to love telling people how wonderful he is but these days I cant. It's affecting my relationship with him.
I'm considering embarrassing him back the next time he does it so he knows how it hurts cos he doesn't see anything wrong with it and never apologize. He says he doesn't like hiding his feelings. I ask "even when your words hurt your spouse".
I'm worried cos we might be travelling soon and if he embarrases me in front of family members i might lose my temper.
I need mature advises here pls. As i do not want to involve 3rd party.

The first time I went to my husband's village for introduction to his family, my husband's step mother refused to give him food meanwhile there was food in the house. My husband just came in with anger and started shouting that I don't have the qualities of a good housewife, when I asked what was the problem he said he was hungry and I as his so called wife was suppose to prepare him food. I was surprise cos its a polygamous family house and that's my 1st day of stepping in there, how do I know when to reach boundary and stop or if they've accepted me. I just kept quiet..

Fast forward to 3 months later, in the public with so many people around if you see the way my husband shouted at me like thunder just because he was angry (which was no fault of mine) , hmmmm I returned the shouting/disgrace back with the same speed it came. Hussy was so surpised cos I had always played the good woman. Till date he hasn't tried the shiiit again.

Katyusha:
Is he mad? Other women would treat his fuckup. You dropped your fathers name,took his, and placed your future in his hands. Draw the fucking line now. As for your housemaid, a few slaps will do the magic.

Bless you! That maid would have begun packing her bags that very day she tries that shít.

POOR YOU, HE IS NO LONGER PROUD OF YOU, love-vendor UP YA DRESSING, IF IT DON'T WORK HAVE A SIT DOWN TALK, GOOD LUCK

Tell yourself the truth. What tone do u use to talk to him or rather how do u speak to him. Descently like a woman or how? When you talk to him, do u talk like u mrs know it all or do u speak to him like u think he doesnt have sense.

My dear he shouts at u, then keep quiet. U can settle that on the bed.
If u were in school and he shouts at u, will u shout back?
Marriage is a classroom. Respect ur senior. Even when u think he doesnt get it right, just be patient with him and speak intelligently in low tune.
A woman is not heard but seen.

Most atimes the women find out they are wrong at the end.

My dear, though am already a third party but, SILENCE IS GOLDEN. Heard about a virteous woman? Other women cant take that shit but she happily packs it. Maybe difficult but try and always put up a smiling face when he rages, find time to pray for him. It is at challenge but God can handle it. Remember, SILENCE IS GOLDEN.

RadicallyBlunt:
Op be cautious of the way you follow the advises above me o. You just said ur hubby wasn't like this before but now he's showing his color at d slightest provocation. Who knows...you may think taking the above steps will calm him down but turn out to make things worse and these so called advicers would not be there to help your marriage. A man with a child can still remarry o but an after-one woman may find it difficult.

Even if you're young blooded with radicality i still advice you to use a better approach not because ur husband is d head blabla but because you dont want to go thru a long marriage palava so early in life. Because if he takes d matter to his family he will not say he started it first. And your own family have received your total bride price...eaten it sef. So

Calm your anger, talk to him heart-to-heart first, if that doesnt work, you can talk to your pastor or snr in-laws that have good sense of reasoning too...this is essential. Let them know you told them first so that when you take action, it will have deep effect and impression. Don't be deceived with the "no 3rd party" advice for new couples. There are some things you may actually need some one for. what matters is the kinda 3rd person you involve and of course not always.

Besides what you're going thru is normal in the first 1-2yrs of marriage. Both of you will stabilize soon

good advice...she should just tell him to stop shouting at him in public, thats all.

JeffreyJamez:
This is simple... I'm sure you have your own "craze"..since you have talked to him about it and he has refused to listen, show him that small "craze" ..if he shouts at you, shout at him back... He go calm down!

Lol,and when he beat hell out of her in public,you most not run o.

Are u working or u jess a full house wife aka (alabodo), he can act out if he is carrying all the expenses. advise is make urself respectable by contributing to the needs at home if it isn't ur act b4 now.

thewife306:


If you say he isnt doing it intentionally, how about saying "i dont like hiding my feelings" and refusing to apologize.

this is your cue not to hide your own feelings also.

Serve his dish back to him and let's see if he likes it.

Does he think you also don't feel like talking back at him? But you choose to exercise self control which he obviously doesn't have.

Everyone can lose control if they choose to so he should better watch himself, or you will also lose you cool one of these days.

Go take a good hard look at yourself, do a self assessment and you might just find that you changed first or have refused to change! In any case, this rampaging feminist ideology of the 21st century is breaking too many homes. In which holy book of marriage was it written that your husband should not react spontaneously to events as they play out. Often times too, women expect to be treated like Queens but they are acting like gipsies!

RadicallyBlunt:
Op be cautious of the way you follow the advises above me o. You just said ur hubby wasn't like this before but now he's showing his color at d slightest provocation. Who knows...you may think taking the above steps will calm him down but turn out to make things worse and these so called advicers would not be there to help your marriage. A man with a child can still remarry o but an after-one woman may find it difficult.

Even if you're young blooded with radicality i still advice you to use a better approach not because ur husband is d head blabla but because you dont want to go thru a long marriage palava so early in life. Because if he takes d matter to his family he will not say he started it first. And your own family have received your total bride price...eaten it sef. So

Calm your anger, talk to him heart-to-heart first, if that doesnt work, you can talk to your pastor or snr in-laws that have good sense of reasoning too...this is essential. Let them know you told them first so that when you take action, it will have deep effect and impression. Don't be deceived with the "no 3rd party" advice for new couples. There are some things you may actually need some one for. what matters is the kinda 3rd person you involve and of course not always.

Besides what you're going thru is normal in the first 1-2yrs of marriage. Both of you will stabilize soon

nice advice and single but I learnt slot from your advice

I have read your statement as I can put it. The truth is I hate saying this but I have to say it.

How long did you and this guy courted I mean how long was your relationship before you marry him I'm talking from experience this was how one of my younger sister friend went to a marriage with a guy she only knew for 6weeks and I warned and warned she kept defending the guy oh he is quiet, oh he is intelligent, oh the father is affluent, oh he is calm in fact no words in life she did not used to qualify him but so sadly after the marriage the gentle, soft, cool guy became tiger beating upon beating before we finally forcefully separated them after she was so battered and was left in hospital bed for 2 months, hope you are not in this gategory if you are go and change your prayer point you have missed it but if not check my next question.

Please did you pray and do character check on him before marrying him

Please be honest to yourself before your case become the banker case hope you remember that saga. If none of the above is applicable to you then stop correcting him, show him a bit mad side of yours, be smart to check if he is not in outside affairs, check what is going on at work with him, check if your house help is not up to something never say never it could be physical or spiritual be smart and watchful. Good night.

JeffreyJamez:
This is simple... I'm sure you have your own "craze"..since you have talked to him about it and he has refused to listen, show him that small "craze" ..if he shouts at you, shout at him back... He go calm down!

See advice na. She should shout back at her husband.

Don't heed to this advice.

WinkWrld:
Tell yourself the truth. What tone do u use to talk to him or rather how do u speak to him. Descently like a woman or how? When you talk to him, do u talk like u mrs know it all or do u speak to him like u think he doesnt have sense.

My dear he shouts at u, then keep quiet. U can settle that on the bed.
If u were in school and he shouts at u, will u shout back?
Marriage is a classroom. Respect ur senior. Even when u think he doesnt get it right, just be patient with him and speak intelligently in low tune.
A woman is not heard but seen.

Most atimes the women find out they are wrong at the end.

why did God give women mouth if they are not to be heard? Then the mouths on women are useless nah.

Guy abeg pack well with you advice abeg. Are you a 15th century man? Women are not objects without feelings abeg. She deserves better from her husband, she deserves his respect. Why did he marry her only to be disrespecting her.... or is she now a slave because she agreed to marry him?

This woman is hurting from the man's attitude and your advice doesn't cut it. Settle what on the bed? Does sex settle anything? Mtcheww!

She has been patient enough with him, now it's time to take the bull by its horns and get to the root of the problem.

thewife306:
Before anyone would ask if he wasn't like this before marriage. No he wasn't. He never cautioned me harshly in private not to talk of in public.
When we were newly married he shouts at me in his younger brother's presence. (Why will they give me respect)
He did it in the presence of our plumber cos I told him the prices of the items were expensive.
Then our househelp. He does it so often that I begin to wonder what point he was trying to prove. To the extent that the lady started losing respect for me and giving me attitude anytime I caution her. That he even told her not to do what I asked her to do.
Then the most recent was in church. He was struggling wit our toddler that he fell and I asked him to leave him. He just started shouting and everyone was looking.
I really am not happy. And unknown to him, this is reducing my love for him. Cos i cant love someone dat disrespects me. I use to love telling people how wonderful he is but these days I cant. It's affecting my relationship with him.
I'm considering embarrassing him back the next time he does it so he knows how it hurts cos he doesn't see anything wrong with it and never apologize. He says he doesn't like hiding his feelings. I ask "even when your words hurt your spouse".
I'm worried cos we might be travelling soon and if he embarrases me in front of family members i might lose my temper.
I need mature advises here pls. As i do not want to involve 3rd party.

Hate to break it to you girl, but your husband neither loves nor respects you. Plus he's uncouth. It sucks for you being an African woman. Like all African women, they have two choices; Either you sit quietly and take it or leave him. I can't imagine disrespecting my wife in public or private for that matter. God forbid.

mysticgal:
I know we are not supposed to wash dirty linens outside. But this happened with my mum and she shouted back. Like I remember her saying "orrrr, are you OK? Don't ever shout at me again" and even if my dad is mad, he would never do such.
I don't know if it's the right to do but I'd do the same thing my mum did. Besides you should know your husband and how he takes correction, and It's not right to scold you in public.
All the best....

These are the non wife materials and jet age ladies. Shout back at him. My mum did this and that. Highly indesciple and desrespectul lady be your name. Just read the few piece of advise below yours. The difference is clear. First class agboro house wife.

mysticgal:
I know we are not supposed to wash dirty linens outside. But this happened with my mum and she shouted back. Like I remember her saying "orrrr, are you OK? Don't ever shout at me again" and even if my dad is mad, he would never do such.
I don't know if it's the right to do but I'd do the same thing my mum did. Besides you should know your husband and how he takes correction, and It's not right to scold you in public.
All the best....

My boo e yaf talk. Two wrongs don't make it right. Your calm and good conduct will surely touch him one day. Don't be provoked into retaliating. Shebi na shout e still dey shout, maybe na hot slap e go be the day you attempt retaliating his public scolding.

Study him and avoid anything or situations that prompts him to shout at you. True love doesn't fail, doesn't get provoked, jealous, puffed up etc

Mysticgal.... I didn't hear from you. Talk to me.

missjo:
@ thewife306
I also read where you said he tells your house help not to do things you tell her to do. Wow this is just crazy.
It seems your husband is someone who likes to remind you who is boss,and I can't begin to assume to know why that is.

People who do that are either having personal psychological issues, or doing it because the person (you in this case) is full of herself and as such needs to be cut to size.
Whichever the case may be, someone who genuinely loves another person WILL NOT as a matter of respect resort to belittling them whether they deserve it or not.

This is serious.

Often times its because she needs to be cut to size! Most young ladies, immediately they marry a guy begin to think and erroneously too, that they suddenly have become equal in all respect with the man and this leads to act in ways that hurt the ego of the man. Especially if the man is far older. Ladies think also that once you marry a guy, you have suddenly become one with him through a certain abracadabra-like transformation and this is also not true. You will become one with your husband but not in one second or two years of marriage. The most frequent cause of this kind of outburst is a woman who is trying to overly control her husband because she feel they have equal rights to the headship of the home, it happens a lot to women who disrepute their husband views a lot!

Op you are a regular Nairalander and you created this moniker to post this personal stuff. Is alright.

Your hubby is getting irritated by other things you do or refuse to do. Check if there are things he has complained about that you have kept doing. Or things he thinks you should know he hates but you keep doing still.

If he's a perfectionist, it might just be things you consider minor or irrelevant but very important to him. If he was not so before marriage, maybe he thought you would change once married.

NOT saying his behaviour is acceptable or that it is only your fault. Just talking from my previous observations.

If your love for him is already reducing, I can imagine that his shouting you down even in public cannot possibly indicate his increasing love for you. You both might be on a slippery slope if you both do not sit down and address this matter or other hidden matters fast.

That husband of yours needs to learn.
How can a man be embarrassing his wife in front of strangers and then the public.I think that's terrible.The man no get shame at all. He has no maturity or respect for you.

Doesnt he know that when he disrespects his wife in public no one would want to respect her.

Do consistently bring it up to him and let him know he is affecting your disposition.
Does he have junior siblings. Does he shout on them openly the way he does to you, his wife.
if No, then I think there is something wrong with the Love in your marital union.
Because no reasonable husband talks down on his wife that he loves, talkless of in public.

thewife306:


Thank you. i really do not want to retaliate as 2 wrongs dont make a right but my kind of person. wen someone intentionally hurts me i try to avoid the person and grow cold. but in this case its my husband. and i know its affecting my feelings towards him

if you stoop you conquer. Stooping is not stupidity, it's a form of weapon that is strengthened with each persevering days. By the time it's forged, you'll have a surrender before its even used. No matter how he shouts at you, look at him with love in your eyes and tell him sorry , even though he's the aggressor,and see him reduced to a conscience ridden bloke. Approach him in his peace time and tell him as subtly as possible how he's hurting you with his public embarrassment, and how you steel your nerves not to go that path with him because 2 wrongs don't make a right.
Tell him you strongly want him to remember that you're his wife, not his slave every time he goes into a fit of rage. Remind him it was not like this in the beginning. But above all, table his matter before the Almighty, the knower of everything for spiritual resolution.
Most of the peeps here telling you to shout back or be rude to your husband won't be there when everything goes south. They're probably not married. Every marriage has it's trials. My dear, this is yours. Handle it to the best of your ability .save your marriage. Don't listen to spinsters here on this forum giving you rebellious advice. Best of luck. May your union be blissful and graced. Amen

Op here is what you ll do.
Gather your mind and decide that he ll either stop this or the marriage will end. For him to tell the househelp to disobey u openly is a signal of his growing lack of respect for you which you caused by letting him demean you in public with no consequences.

Now get ready to make him feel you hate him. When he shouts at you in public again for like maybe a minute or 2, ensure that you use the next 28 mins to tell him his life history and his grandfather's own. You can actually time yourself. ..remove your mouth from brake and let it run as if he stole your money. Even after the shout, keep throwing dirty and hateful looks at him such that he ll wonder If it's safe to sleep in d house.

Now after all these, the following might happen:

He ll ask for a divorce or drive you out of his house.. whereby u can get a good lawyer and get some financial benefits.

He ll be so shocked at your actions, he ll remember how he married you and try to make peace and win your love back.

Police will arrest you both and someone will snap d pic and post it on nairaland with the title.. ' Wife goes kolomental on mentally deranged husband (Photos) '.

Don't bother thanking me..

All the best..

All these ones saying is because ur hubby is occupied this and that, if i may ask does life revolve round the men alone? Is the wife not a human being too with emotions. That she chose to calm doesn't make her a weak woman. Husband and wife should have equal respect and be sensitive to each others feelings. Sadly, in cases where a woman is just full time housewife who depends on her hubby to buy even chinchin for her kid, the idea of equality might be too costly to obtain in d home.

That said, i believe you should still engage ur hubby in a serious dialogue, serve him well in the evening after work, cuddle him wella, then bring up the issue in a very matured manner. Outline your concern and ask him if there is anyway u v done wrong u not aware of which caused his new behaviour. Tell him how much it hurts you. Look him in d eyes when saying it. Back ur emotional speech up with a subtle threat by saying that u have tried to be respectful by not replying his being loud at u in public. That if he loves u as u do to him he should stop this. That is not the right channel to pass information to a matured person like u in the presense of everyone. that if u join him in such act, it would be shameful in public..Bla bla bla. If ur hubby is literate he will listen to reasonable logic. And if u have be acting like a kid to him, let him also see ur matured side of u, how u talk, carry urself is also very important in relationships. Thanks

coolviv:
Op here is what you ll do.
Gather your mind and decide that he ll either stop this or the marriage will end. For him to tell the househelp to disobey u openly is a signal of his growing lack of respect for you which you caused by letting him demean you in public with no consequences.

Now get ready to make him feel you hate him. When he shouts at you in public again for like maybe a minute or 2, ensure that you use the next 28 mins to tell him his life history and his grandfather's own. You can actually time yourself. ..remove your mouth from brake and let it run as if he stole your money. Even after the shout, keep throwing dirty and hateful looks at him such that he ll wonder If it's safe to sleep in d house.

Now after all these, the following might happen:

He ll ask for a divorce or drive you out of his house.. whereby u can get a good lawyer and get some financial benefits.

He ll be so shocked at your actions, he ll remember how he married you and try to make peace and win your love back.

Police will arrest you both and someone will snap d pic and post it on nairaland with the title.. ' Wife goes kolomental on mentally deranged husband (Photos) '.

Don't bother thanking me..

All the best..

Pllllls, see as I wan give advice and you turn serious issue into laffing matta. .
@ the the bolded ROTFL.

@OP, realise this, as u lay your bed, be prepared to lie on it. What you tolerate today, be prepared to tolerate same in 20 years time.

Boundaries are set early in marriage, if you wait till later, it will be termed as sudden change that will do you no good.

Get on your knees, tell God your intention is to correct your husband, that you need His support. Then be prepared when next he attacks to give your husband a dose of his medicine. Make it lightening fast. Before he can recover, walk away. If he accosts you, tell him exactly what he always tells you.

With spiritual backing, there's a high chance of change. A wise woman uses a combination of spiritual, psychological and physical to win her battles.

thewife306:
Before anyone would ask if he wasn't like this before marriage. No he wasn't. He never cautioned me harshly in private not to talk of in public.
When we were newly married he shouts at me in his younger brother's presence. (Why will they give me respect)
He did it in the presence of our plumber cos I told him the prices of the items were expensive.
Then our househelp. He does it so often that I begin to wonder what point he was trying to prove. To the extent that the lady started losing respect for me and giving me attitude anytime I caution her. That he even told her not to do what I asked her to do.
Then the most recent was in church. He was struggling wit our toddler that he fell and I asked him to leave him. He just started shouting and everyone was looking.
I really am not happy. And unknown to him, this is reducing my love for him. Cos i cant love someone dat disrespects me. I use to love telling people how wonderful he is but these days I cant. It's affecting my relationship with him.
I'm considering embarrassing him back the next time he does it so he knows how it hurts cos he doesn't see anything wrong with it and never apologize. He says he doesn't like hiding his feelings. I ask "even when your words hurt your spouse".
I'm worried cos we might be travelling soon and if he embarrases me in front of family members i might lose my temper.
I need mature advises here pls. As i do not want to involve 3rd party.

You are a FoOl telling us this abi we they there when you they marry am waiting dey do woman of now are days waiting can't u solve ur problem must u say it online for people to see u want advice u go to ur mother abi ur mama don die must u say it online God I tire for u oh when he dey sweet u nor tell us na wen he dey bad na now u dey tell us the advice I have for u if go and sit down and face ur problem stop posting it online go and face ur problem

thewife306:
Before anyone would ask if he wasn't like this before marriage. No he wasn't. He never cautioned me harshly in private not to talk of in public.
When we were newly married he shouts at me in his younger brother's presence. (Why will they give me respect)
He did it in the presence of our plumber cos I told him the prices of the items were expensive.
Then our househelp. He does it so often that I begin to wonder what point he was trying to prove. To the extent that the lady started losing respect for me and giving me attitude anytime I caution her. That he even told her not to do what I asked her to do.
Then the most recent was in church. He was struggling wit our toddler that he fell and I asked him to leave him. He just started shouting and everyone was looking.
I really am not happy. And unknown to him, this is reducing my love for him. Cos i cant love someone dat disrespects me. I use to love telling people how wonderful he is but these days I cant. It's affecting my relationship with him.
I'm considering embarrassing him back the next time he does it so he knows how it hurts cos he doesn't see anything wrong with it and never apologize. He says he doesn't like hiding his feelings. I ask "even when your words hurt your spouse".
I'm worried cos we might be travelling soon and if he embarrases me in front of family members i might lose my temper.
I need mature advises here pls. As i do not want to involve 3rd party.

Give as good as you receive. He shouts and you shout back. Simples.............

windeal:
Please op don't shout at him back when he do in public.. It might end up beating you to pulp ...this is my advice to you op.. Whenever your husband shout at you in public ... In reactions just say "habbaa baby" it's OK then when you guys get home on happy mood just remind him his Bleep up in the public if he does it the house in front of your maid remind him when he takes you to the other room before bed things.. I bet you when you correct him two to three times in that manner he will change.. Thank me later

Omo, beat her to pulp? see logic. Man , Naija women dey try. Talk about living in bondage.

This story should be a lesson to people who are trying to get married. Look for the signs. They say if you want to know a person's character watch how they treat other people.
This guy had been showing this woman who he really was before they got married and she probably thought he would change or that he won't get worse. Well see how that is turning out.

centboy123456:







You are a FoOl telling us this abi we they there when you they marry am waiting dey do woman of now are days waiting can't u solve ur problem must u say it online for people to see u want advice u go to ur mother abi ur mama don die must u say it online God I tire for u oh when he dey sweet u nor tell us na wen he dey bad na now u dey tell us the advice I have for u if go and sit down and face ur problem stop posting it online go and face ur problem

Bro, i believe it's called free speech and she is exercising it.

story,from what you have said,you love to embarrass him in public,where you should keep shut you want to show yourself,but you think emotions are felt by only you,i done hear this matter before,.i know somebody who his wife those same thing,every-time in public she would find a subtle way to run her husband down,she would give counter orders to that of her husband,interrupt her husband when he is speaking,in fact in some cases when he is asked question she would jump in and answer,after a while the guy vex and it is same way he use to shout for his wife now in public,and guess what when she want to complain she says exactly what you have said,if you didn't know them before you would call her husband names,we that know them use to tell her ,your idea of complaining is all still designed to ridicule your husband.so go and check yourself,as for that my friend he doesn't go anywhere with his wife,to keep the peace and guess what she still finds that as an issue.women there problem can never finish

thewife306:
Before anyone would ask if he wasn't like this before marriage. No he wasn't. He never cautioned me harshly in private not to talk of in public.
When we were newly married he shouts at me in his younger brother's presence. (Why will they give me respect)
He did it in the presence of our plumber cos I told him the prices of the items were expensive.
Then our househelp. He does it so often that I begin to wonder what point he was trying to prove. To the extent that the lady started losing respect for me and giving me attitude anytime I caution her. That he even told her not to do what I asked her to do.
Then the most recent was in church. He was struggling wit our toddler that he fell and I asked him to leave him. He just started shouting and everyone was looking.
I really am not happy. And unknown to him, this is reducing my love for him. Cos i cant love someone dat disrespects me. I use to love telling people how wonderful he is but these days I cant. It's affecting my relationship with him.
I'm considering embarrassing him back the next time he does it so he knows how it hurts cos he doesn't see anything wrong with it and never apologize. He says he doesn't like hiding his feelings. I ask "even when your words hurt your spouse".
I'm worried cos we might be travelling soon and if he embarrases me in front of family members i might lose my temper.
I need mature advises here pls. As i do not want to involve 3rd party.