OP, pls DO NOT trt to embarass him back in public. U may feel it will solve d probs.......but believe me, it will cause more harm than good. Talk to him calmly about it in d other room. Each time he embarasses you, allow him to calm down, then u remind him later that u dislike d way he behaves towards you atimes. U will most likely see an improvement. He might also have some temporary challenges or pressure acting on him.

On the contrary, we have not heard from the husband. I 've this issue with my wife for umpteenth times. These women are stubborn. They always play to the gallery. She will do something you detest first at home, you will calmly tell her that you don't like it. You will even give her the reasons why you don't like it. You might have given her the warning several times at home but she will like to do it in the public to attract public sympathy.
When the man reacts, people will start looking at him as if he is irresponsible man. But they are giving instant judgement to a case that has been in adjournment for long. If you tell her to call for friends or family members to deliberate on some issues, they will say know ( third party). Me I want third party to resolve some issues before it gets to court or divorce.

Someone once told me that our reaction to events(in this case anger) is not as a result of what the other says/does; but more because of our own internal baggage and interpretation of the event based on our past.

I always used to think as well that when there was an issue and someone was ridiculing me/shouting; that I had to respond back in order not to look stupid. After viewing from afar some outbursts from people on arguments I was not involved in, I have found out that the person shouting is the one that looks like a fool. The person keeping quite wins the onlookers heart most often.

In this case, maybe your husband felt that by rushing to help him with your child when he fell, that you were suggesting to people around that he was incapable of taking care of his own son/daughter. Pls, do not own his anger. It is his own baggage. Do not shout back, just let him know what impact this is having on you emotionally. If he is a wise man, he should listen. Tell him the say way he feels you're making a statement to the world on his in capability to care for his child for example, is the same way you feel.

thewife306:
Before anyone would ask if he wasn't like this before marriage. No he wasn't. He never cautioned me harshly in private not to talk of in public.
When we were newly married he shouts at me in his younger brother's presence. (Why will they give me respect)
He did it in the presence of our plumber cos I told him the prices of the items were expensive.
Then our househelp. He does it so often that I begin to wonder what point he was trying to prove. To the extent that the lady started losing respect for me and giving me attitude anytime I caution her. That he even told her not to do what I asked her to do.
Then the most recent was in church. He was struggling wit our toddler that he fell and I asked him to leave him. He just started shouting and everyone was looking.
I really am not happy. And unknown to him, this is reducing my love for him. Cos i cant love someone dat disrespects me. I use to love telling people how wonderful he is but these days I cant. It's affecting my relationship with him.
I'm considering embarrassing him back the next time he does it so he knows how it hurts cos he doesn't see anything wrong with it and never apologize. He says he doesn't like hiding his feelings. I ask "even when your words hurt your spouse".
I'm worried cos we might be travelling soon and if he embarrases me in front of family members i might lose my temper.
I need mature advises here pls. As i do not want to involve 3rd party.

Op... I am not married and I don't know what page this my advice will fall into but I suggest you read it carefully. Don't make the mistake to shout back at him. The Bible already cursed the woman saying the man shall rule over her... All this you are suffering is the extension of the punishment for eating the forbidden fruit in the garden of Eden. And there is a way around it.

Look for an occasion or event that both of you are supposed to attend together... I mean an outing that is so important that both of you are supposed to even wear the same clothing material. Ehen then change your mind at the last minute and tell him that you are afraid you won't be going to the event for fear that he will shout at you in public AGAIN. And the embarrassment is usually too much for you to bear and you can't imagine yourself shouting back at him in public. Then add... "If someone else were to embarrass him in your presence you would devour such a person with your bare hands so why should you now shout back at him.

My sister continue to love and respect your man but no follow am go any where again... Not even church. When time reach just dress junior and put him in the front sit of the car and tell both of them bye bye. That's the person he should be shouting at whenever he wants to practice. It will even be good for the boys future (I'm assuming y'all have a son).

By doing this you would have curtailed his shouting to the house only... And madam you will agree with me that is no longer public but private shouting... Just like the shout you self dey shout when he gives it to you right in the other room...

Going by that.. If him shout for you for parlour... You self too shout for him at night in the other room No Love Lost...

Peace!

I think it's a phase, cos it happened to me, the dude would be all irritable for nothing, the 1st and 2nd time I didn't say anything, the 3rd time I warned d guy in front of everyone , note I didn't shout or anything o, I just calmly told him, look oga don't embarrass me in front of people, if you have had a rough day at work, don't take it out on me, abi I resemble your subordinates for office,and I bounced, ignored the niggy for a while, he didn't apologize o, but he cautioned himself after that episode. I think you have to draw the line, I think men are wired to see how far they can push and what they can get away with(kinda like children) so if you continue to allow him, I doubt if he will have any self respect for you, the things you can't take, nip in the bud now, don't be playing good wife on the outside while you resent him on the inside, at d end of the day, you loose big time

You came to nairaland to seek advice and then came little children to offer you advice,telling you to go show your husband some crase,you better respect yourself and think deeply,try talk to your husband and let him know you don't like the way he reacts,most times the problem is not even what you think it is,he might be under pressure or stressed out,you said it yourself that he wasn't like that before,you also need to be sure that he is not reacting to something you did or you are doing,some of us are very good in blaming others and never ourselves.

You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Unless your physical health is in danger, you married him for better or for worse.
You know your hubby best. In relationships, most Men are actually moved by submissiveness. Very few men respond kindly to confrontation.
Be the voice of reason in your marriage and he will melt for you.

EfemenaXY:
This story is very one sided.

@op you say he shouts at you in public and it's becoming a frequent occurrence. What triggers this?

You need to get to the root of the problem and sort it out from there, rather than trying to treat the symptoms.

Unpleasant as this may sound, you might need to do a self assessment of yourself.

And this is why I say your write up is one sided. I'm quite certain your husband would have a very different version of events to what you're telling us.

100,000 likes

dangotesmummy:
ok good but have you realised the negative consequences of emotional abuse? It's a scar that doesn't heal IN 2 days or a week I hope you realise that

Consequences include depression
insomnia
Paranoia
Psychotic disorder
loss of sex drive
feelings of worthlessness
suicidal tendencies
Loss of apetite and enthusiasm
She begins to depreciate e.g loss of physical beauty

Unfortunately your kids are at the receiving end of her tantrums. I'm now seeing why Nigerian women look like their husband's elder sister after marriage

Who will marry a narcissist and not age before her time. By the way what is the difference between her and a slave

Please let the 'tipa-tipa-marriage' people know. Maybe, just, maybe, they'll get a bit wiser. They won't give these advices if reverse were the case. Lord of the house
No one's dragging the title with you, just wear the damn crown. I go with avoiding him even in the house.
But take it from me, he's bringing yet another attitude worse than shouting. We all know what it is. Op, are you ready?

JeffreyJamez:
This is simple... I'm sure you have your own "craze"..since you have talked to him about it and he has refused to listen, show him that small "craze" ..if he shouts at you, shout at him back... He go calm down!

So true. For real, it work like magic o

thewife306:
Before anyone would ask if he wasn't like this before marriage. No he wasn't. He never cautioned me harshly in private not to talk of in public.
When we were newly married he shouts at me in his younger brother's presence. (Why will they give me respect)
He did it in the presence of our plumber cos I told him the prices of the items were expensive.
Then our househelp. He does it so often that I begin to wonder what point he was trying to prove. To the extent that the lady started losing respect for me and giving me attitude anytime I caution her. That he even told her not to do what I asked her to do.
Then the most recent was in church. He was struggling wit our toddler that he fell and I asked him to leave him. He just started shouting and everyone was looking.
I really am not happy. And unknown to him, this is reducing my love for him. Cos i cant love someone dat disrespects me. I use to love telling people how wonderful he is but these days I cant. It's affecting my relationship with him.
I'm considering embarrassing him back the next time he does it so he knows how it hurts cos he doesn't see anything wrong with it and never apologize. He says he doesn't like hiding his feelings. I ask "even when your words hurt your spouse".
I'm worried cos we might be travelling soon and if he embarrases me in front of family members i might lose my temper.
I need mature advises here pls. As i do not want to involve 3rd party.

U just need to pray for ur husband since you said he wasn't like that before. There is nothing prayer can not do. Beside don't try to shout at him pls it may lead to beating I bet with you. Just keep calm he will change. God will touch his heart. That is Marriage for you. By keeping quiet he will rethink one day and u should at least be telling him how you feel while doing that to you. God bless your home

oatzeal:
If you check well, the level of assignment or job he s doing has increased. He has many more thing bothering him now.

Don't shout at him back, don't try to comment or correct him every time anymore.

Do it wen he s much relaxed. He is not doing all those things intentionally. He still loves you.

Manage him. Women are meant to be manager of their homes.
MANAGE HIM. Its your role.

You are 100 right , this happens to me to I still love my wife very well but when she misbehaves I shout on her anywhere not intentionally but am a very straight forwarded person.please I will advice you to check his grieviences towards you. You might be getting on his nerves and saying some negative words to him a times or not the type that takes correction always looking for away to defend yourself whenever he tries to correct you or tell you something .Take it from me this is the genesis of the whole thing. It happens to me and my wife he might not tell you because you always feel you are right in whatever you do and when he talks you defend yourself and he feels insulted and you MUST have aroused his anger and it makes him does this always.Try and be civil to him to argue unnecessarily with him. Then see how things will come back. Never you say anything bad against his family all the time because he will hate your speach and will be angry with u.

DarkRebel101:
I witnessed something similar about two weeks ago in a BRT bus. A man, his wife, and their two children boarded the same bus as did I; and it so happened that while the man found a place to sit, the wife and the children did not and so had to stand.

Fifteen minutes later, someone alighted from the bus thus creating a vacant seat which the woman immediately sat on; and just as she was beckoning her two kids to come sit on her laps, her husband exploded in a fusillade of rage and commanded his wife to stand so that his children could sit.

That instant, my face creased into a deep flesh canyon of disbelief, and even more so when the woman sheepishly cowered in humility characteristic of a Catholic nun.

Who knows how long the woman has been subjected to such harassment? I pitied her greatly because she seemed completely resigned to her fate.

[...]

OP, your husband is just like the man in that story, and that is immature, insensate and proud.

Lao Tzu once said that, “All streams flow to the sea because it is lower than they are. Humility gives it its power.”

One of the things your husband needs to learn is how to be humble.

...

Now to the main issue: my advise is that you investigate the activities your husband has been involved in as of recent.

I also need you to answer these questions:

On a scale of 1-10, how physically attractive is your husband? Could it be that his physical ‘uninterestingness’ is the cause of his frustration? Perhaps he hasn't been receiving sufficient attention from the opposite sex?

Is he ankle-deep in a financial pinch? Is he in debt? Such can make a man-woman frustrated and, consequentially, depressed.

Do his family members constantly put the squeeze on him so that he might cater for their needs? He might just be overwhelmed and feel boxed in by the pressures put on him.

Has any of his family members, colleagues, or close friends died as of late? Death tends to inflict a heavy toll on a person's mood and so that might be the cause.

Has he any history of violence? And please do away with those ingenuous sentiments about how he was a saint during courtship.
Courtships are hardly where the true character of a man-woman is revealed.

...

As they say, ‘‘frustration begets anger; anger begets aggression”.

I think your husband is frustrated, and might just be suffering from a phenomenon which psychologists call displaced aggression’, or as those in the military would put it: ‘stress-rolling’.

Displaced aggression is when someone for lack of being capable of challenging the source of his frustration due to the fact that he-she feels that he-she cannot conquer it, directs his-her anger instead to someone perceived to be weaker and less capable of reprisal.

For example: my boss may have hauled me over the coals for a task poorly executed, and knowing fully well that I can't yell back at my boss or impugn him, I would rather suppress my anger and take it out on my wife or child. That's what displaced aggression means and I think your husband is going through just that.

...

And OP, have you tried talking to him?

Have you expressed to him, the discomfiture that his actions are causing you?

If not then that should be your first line of action. If that doesn't work then you should ask his family members or trusted friends to have a tête-a-tête with him; and if that still proves abortive, then you should perhaps consider a belt-and-braces approach — though I wouldn't advise such as fire can never be quenched with fire.

Temporal separation until he turns over a new leaf could also be a last resort.

Everything is wrong with that man on the bus.


What sort of man gets on a crowded bus with his family?


What sort of monster will sit his scaly hide down while his wife and children are left standing?


What sort of stupid creature doesn't let the wife carry the children but screams at her to let them sit and that she should stand, when she had the aim of getting them all to sit since he didn't in the first place?


Is that really a man? Oh, wait, I almost forgot. African men and Asian men must be the most horrid creatures ever born of woman to roam the planet. I guess culture has reduced their reasoning to the lowest levels. Figures.

Conclusion: Many lowlifes are to be found on crowded buses. The ones who drive are a menace to only themselves, thankfully.

mysticgal:
I know we are not supposed to wash dirty linens outside. But this happened with my mum and she shouted back. Like I remember her saying "orrrr, are you OK? Don't ever shout at me again" and even if my dad is mad, he would never do such.
I don't know if it's the right to do but I'd do the same thing my mum did. Besides you should know your husband and how he takes correction, and It's not right to scold you in public.
All the best....

So ur mum shouted at ur dad and you wanna do same with ur husband? isokay..

My dad use to be like that,althrough our growing up to d extent my mum stoped following him to public places n occasions ,it took a very long time for my dad to stop cause my mum wasn't not ready to involve third parties n bring about about a life time saga between her n my dad ,but just recently my mum decided yo take the bull by d horn,on an outing he shouted at her ooooooo my God my mum losed it, and Also started shouting back at him,my dear,as am talking to u right now,DAT was the last time my dad shouted at my mum...

thewife306:


thanks

You are thanking her for this kinda advice? nawa o. The man saw something in you that no other woman has, thats why he married you. Talk to him about what he does. Tell him how it hurts and he will change. I'm damn sure he wouldn't wanna loose you

mira24:
My dad use to be like that,althrough our growing up to d extent my mum stoped following him to public places n occasions ,it took a very long time for my dad to stop cause my mum wasn't not ready to involve third parties n bring about about a life time saga between her n my dad ,but just recently my mum decided yo take the bull by d horn,on an outing he shouted at her ooooooo my God my mum losed it, and Also started shouting back at him,my dear,as am talking to u right now,DAT was the last time my dad shouted at my mum...

Mira Mira. it might have worked with ur mum but it may not work with the op. Men are wired differently, some don't talk, some shout at the slightest provocation, while some get violent when shouted back at. So op should know the kinda man he is before taking actions

You want to hear the truth? Possibly you are a type that talks too much in public & he does not like it..but that notwistanding,let him know how you feel in the closet & the need for him to change his habit in this regards. I had similar experience with my spouse but we resolved it amicably. It is not every matter that you respond to in the public. A times you allow your husband to do the response while you keep your cool ..Backgrounds play a lot of roles in matters like this..It takes understanding to work things out. For example,my own parents communicate in the public without anybody knowing ..I have same trait because my parents don't need to open mouth before they talk to me..but here was I married to a talking type of woman..yet man must cope. After she protested about my attitude in the closeth I felt personally guilty doing such but had to let her know what she does that provoke my intuitive outburst. Now such a thing never occur again. Never take vengeance against the man. Resolve the matter amicably .

JeffreyJamez:
This is simple... I'm sure you have your own "craze"..since you have talked to him about it and he has refused to listen, show him that small "craze" ..if he shouts at you, shout at him back... He go calm down!

SIMPLE

Be careful of d advice u heed to and don't let people push u out of yr ouse

TheWIFE...lol....nice ID. #1, was he like this during courtship.....if you guys courted?
#2, What is a lady doing in your house in the name of housemaid....are you a learner?
#3, Do you think turning the situation into a shouting match will make Chelsea win the EPL?
#4, Have you told him how you feel....or as TheWife, will it be seen as a sacrilegious act?

Which husband shouts at her wife in public? I am not understanding.

Whiteguru1179:
Go take a good hard look at yourself, do a self assessment and you might just find that you changed first or have refused to change! In any case, this rampaging feminist ideology of the 21st century is breaking too many homes. In which holy book of marriage was it written that your husband should not react spontaneously to events as they play out. Often times too, women expect to be treated like Queens but they are acting like gipsies!

and in which holy book does it say wives should not react spontaneously too.
The bible says love your wife, love begets respect and her husband is disrespecting her, he has no right to shout at her in public, they have a home, if she does something he doesn't like he should caution her at home that shows he respects her. Stop justifying emotional abuse.

Hi. I don't have time to advice u but after I read everyone advice I think the best is for u to
just follow the advice of Radically blunt

Whiteguru1179:


Often times its because she needs to be cut to size! Most young ladies, immediately they marry a guy begin to think and erroneously too, that they suddenly have become equal in all respect with the man and this leads to act in ways that hurt the ego of the man. Especially if the man is far older. Ladies think also that once you marry a guy, you have suddenly become one with him through a certain abracadabra-like transformation and this is also not true. You will become one with your husband but not in one second or two years of marriage. The most frequent cause of this kind of outburst is a woman who is trying to overly control her husband because she feel they have equal rights to the headship of the home, it happens a lot to women who disrepute their husband views a lot!

so many misogynist on NL I tell you. She needs to be cut to size and he has to do that in public. To NL guys, once you become a wife you loose all your rights to become a human being, you don't feel, you don't act, you just become docile and every thing you do is only to please your husband who does not owe you the same obligation. wife=slave to husband.

I guess u know ur husband more than anybody on this forum. If you think you have exhausted all options pray about it for directions on the next step to take. Not everybody is the same so some advises her may not work for him.
I pray for wisdom to handle more issues that would com up in this journey.
Remember to always love n respect him even when he doesn't seem to deserve it.

thewife306:
Before anyone would ask if he wasn't like this before marriage. No he wasn't. He never cautioned me harshly in private not to talk of in public.
When we were newly married he shouts at me in his younger brother's presence. (Why will they give me respect)
He did it in the presence of our plumber cos I told him the prices of the items were expensive.
Then our househelp. He does it so often that I begin to wonder what point he was trying to prove. To the extent that the lady started losing respect for me and giving me attitude anytime I caution her. That he even told her not to do what I asked her to do.
Then the most recent was in church. He was struggling wit our toddler that he fell and I asked him to leave him. He just started shouting and everyone was looking.
I really am not happy. And unknown to him, this is reducing my love for him. Cos i cant love someone dat disrespects me. I use to love telling people how wonderful he is but these days I cant. It's affecting my relationship with him.
I'm considering embarrassing him back the next time he does it so he knows how it hurts cos he doesn't see anything wrong with it and never apologize. He says he doesn't like hiding his feelings. I ask "even when your words hurt your spouse".
I'm worried cos we might be travelling soon and if he embarrases me in front of family members i might lose my temper.
I need mature advises here pls. As i do not want to involve 3rd party.

Your husband is not happy with you, but his attitude is not the best way to resolve anything.

If you do to him exactly what he does to you then you're no different from him.

So the best thing to do is to starve him of sex until he opens up about what makes him unhappy with you or until he changes his behavior.

While you're on sex strike, make sure you wear sexy stuff at home, especially, tight mini skirts and see-through night gowns. Nothing hits a husband to the core than being sex starved while you rub it on his face everyday by wearing those sexy stuff.

When you're wearing a tight mini skirt and you know he's staring you, let something slip from your hand and slowly bend down to pick it up while backing him. He'll enjoy the sight while salivating.

If you adhere to my advice, the problem will be resolved in a very short time.

Well, I might be havin a different opinion and view. Now could it also be possible that OP is also so fund of makin some funny or disgustin behaviors in the public and unfortunately for her, her husband is not the kind of man that can hold his breath until he gets home. My point is, OP plse check itself real good and make sure u re not always the cause of his reactions.

@ op the thing is we men sometimes behave silly,I can never shout at my wife in public or even raise my voice at her,she serf will behave with one or two body language if she mess up,u took it the first time,u accepted it second time,3rd time might even be a slap,all u need to do is when he shout at u in public next time,don't shout back,wait till u get home and raise the roof,make sure its shakes to its foundations nd let him understand that your not shouting back in public is because of your love for him and if he continues he will loose the love,he will be set to deafult mood

Sister if u hv any hint he is about to shout @ u in public, forge a fone call and leave that place he would end up looking like he is mad cos people would keep wondering y he is shouting...kuma dat ur house help beat am small na or check if hubby don dey press bobbi...nothing is impossible

dangotesmummy:

I'm now seeing why Nigerian women look like their husband's elder sister after marriage

This is the reality on ground.

I've formed the habit of observing couples, and I've noticed that the wives look way older than the man.

The stress an average Nigerian woman goes through in her marriage is mind-boggling.

DedeNkem:


Your husband is not happy with you, but his attitude is not the best way to resolve anything.

If you do to him exactly what he does to you then you're no different from him.

So the best thing to do is to starve him of sex until he opens up about what makes him unhappy with you or until he changes his behavior.

While you're on sex strike, make sure you wear sexy stuff at home, especially, tight mini skirts and see-through night gowns. Nothing hits a husband to the core than being sex starved while you rub it on his face everyday by wearing those sexy stuff.

When you're wearing a tight mini skirt and you know he's staring you, let something slip from your hand and slowly bend down to pick it up while backing him. He'll enjoy the sight while salivating.

If you adhere to my advice, the problem will be resolved in a very short time.

of cus this advice is all u need @ op to loose ur husband to dat silly house help of urs