NEW NAIJA JOB TITLES:

1. House Maid : House Upkeep Manager (HUM)
2. Winch :Blood Carpillary Extractor (BCE)
3. Receptionist : Office Access Control Manager (OACM)
4. Messenger : Business Communications Conveyor Specialist (BCCS)
5. Window Cleaner : Transparent Wall Technician (TWT)
6. Tea Boy : Refreshment Specialist (RS)
7. Watchman : Theft Prevention & Surveillance Officer (TPSO)
8. Driver : Automobile Propulsion Specialist (APS)
9. Barber: Dead Scalp Cells Removal Specialist (DSCRS) Unemployed : Town Surveyor (TS)
10. Bad Belle pple: Research, Analysis & Criticism Specialist (RACS)
11. LovePeddlers: Temporary Spouse Replacement & Care-Giving Executive (TSRCE)
12. Politician: Public Funds Diversion Expert (PFDE)
13. Yahoo boy: International Wealth re-Distribution Consultant (IWDC)
14. Gossip : Research & Communications Manager (RCM)
15. Garri seller: hunger extermination officer
16. Witches & Wizzards : Invisible airforce control management experts

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That Moment When The Door Cracks In The Middle Of An Action.

Only In Nigeria.

A Moment Of Silence For Him Please...........

hmm!

..

sorzy1:
..

preciousuweh:
A Moment Of Silence For Him Please...........

cheiii

preciousuweh:
That Moment When The Door Cracks In The Middle Of An Action.

Just look at you

wizsolzy:

Just look at you

Are You Guilty Of It.

wizsolzy:
Just look at you

Are You Guilty Of This.

wizsolzy:

Just look at you

Are You Guilty Of It

LOVE TURN SOUR


Emekas phone rings…

Nkechi: “Baby do you still luv me like before?”

Emeka: “Ofcourse Yes, my luv for you will never change and is never ending.”

Nkechi: “Dats my babyyyy, I want you to buy me somting.”

Emeka: “Just name it, I am more than capable, you know me now, Nky bebe m”.

Nkechi: “Its just one BB porsche sha…”

Emeka: “No problem. Just find out the price and let me know”

Nkechi: “Its 450 000 naira.”

Emeka: “Is it manual or authomatic? Is it still in a good shape, as in, the engine. Have you checked the fuel consumption too?” How many kilometers has it done?

Nkechi: “Honey, its not a car ooo… its a phone.”

Emeka: “Phone? Oh! does it come with a plasma tv, wardrobe and generator?”

Nkechi: “Please be serious, are you buying it or not? ”

Emeka in a whisper) “Ewo!”

Nkechi: “Helloooooo! are you still there?”

Emeka: “Hiiiiiiiii!”

Nkechi : “What is this, I thought you love me, infact, don’t even bother again. I will call Alhaji to get it for me this evening.”

Emeka: “God purnish ya life , na so your tin sweet reach , not only Allhaji, better still, call Atiku he will be faster”

Nkechi: “Am going to delete you”

Emeka: “Is your fone hanging? Cos I have deleted you since you mentioned porsche. ! Thief, how much is bride price even in ya village sef!

E get dis particular restaurant wey i dey chop for wuse. E get one oyibo wey dey always come chop there too. Any time dis oyibo chop finish, him go shout “heey!”, so i wonder wetin dey make am shout. I decide to chop wetin di oyibo dey always chop so maybe me self go shout too. When i reach d restaurant last week friday, I order wetin di man dey chop, dem tell me say na chicken and red wine, so i chop am. I surprise say i no shout, i even collect xtra plate, but i still no shout. Na then i just vex ask 4 my bill. The waiter tell me say one plate of chicken and red wine na N45,000, then d xtra plate na another 45,000 na then i come shout heyyyyyyyyy! heyyyyyyyyy!! heyyyyyyyy!!! heiiiiiiiiiii!!!!… till i reach house i still dey shout..

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, April, who created the universe?” When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good” and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Saviour,” But, April didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ‘JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, “very good,” and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!” The Teacher fainted!

While walking down the street one day a corrupt Nigerian Senator was tragically hit by a car and died. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. “Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.” “No problem, just let me in,” says the Senator. “Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
“Really?, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the Senator. “I’m sorry, but we have our rules.” And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.* *They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises…The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, “Now it’s time to visit heaven..” So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.” The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.” So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell..
Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders. “I don’t understand,” stammers the Senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”
**The devil smiles at him and says,* * “Yesterday WE were campaigning. Today, YOU voted..”** * *

Akpos no dey carry Last


Akpos :- Papa, See my result, Na me carry 3rd.

Papa Akpos :- Hahahaha,

Akpos Akpos! Na now I know say na me born you.

Akpos :- Shey I tell you na. All those time I dey carry 35th..Na the teachers dey do ojoro, They know say I too brilliant.

Papa Akpos :- I believe you my boy. Na now I fit buy that Bicycle wey you see for Papa Metus shop !

Akpos :- Papa na u biko. You get mouth pass BasketMouth.

Papa Akpos :- but, Who be the two idiots wey pass u sef Akpos?

Akpos :- Na one WIZARD wey be Isaac and one WITCH wey be Patience.

Papa Akpos :- No mind them, You go show them next term. But who you come pass na? I no say dem plenty and you no fit mention all of them, I just wan know how many of una dey class.

Akpos :- Na just the three of us I don mention so na… Isaac, Patience and Me. Na just the three of us PRINCIPAL put for Elementary Class ‘F’ !!!

..........Na im Akpos papa just land for floor, gboossa, faint o!!!

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THE EXAM


During the exam, Akpors kept looking under the table, then he would write on the answer sheet. His teacher saw him doing that & thought he was copying. When collecting the paper after the exam..

Teacher: I’m gonna minus 10 marks.

Akpors: Hiiaaa!! Why sir?

Teacher: For copying.

Akpors: How do you know that I was copying?

Teacher: I saw you looking under the table.

Akpors: *laughing* Question 9 said, “STUDY THE TABLE BELOW “.

Teacher:wot is a baby lizard called?
Akpos: a baby lizard is called lizzybaby.

Two boko Haram boys, Habib & Audu are making letter bombs.

Habib: “I’m not sure whether I put enough explosive in this envelope before I sealed it.”

Audu: “Well, then open it and look.”

Habib: “But if I open it, it will explode!”

Audu: “Don’t be stupid – it’s not addressed to you!

Akpos sat in a bar and was very moody. Soni goes over and asks; ‘Akpos, wetin happen?’.
A very sad looking Akpos replied: ‘I borrow Rukewe
N2million to do facial surgery, and now I no fit recognize am to collect my money back.

A Warri tenant walked in & saw his landlord’s son trying to commit suicide & a brief conversation ensued:

Tenant: Akpos! Wetin you de do so?

Akpos: I dey try commit suicide, as Papa dey always complain say my life dey worthless!

Tenant: That one no good now… but why you come tie de rope for your waist?

Akpos: Bros, no be small thing o! I bin tie de rope for neck, I NEARLY DIE!

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WALK ON WATER

One day two Niger Delta guys decided to take a visiting pastor on a fishing on boat. Once in the Middle of the lake, the first guy said” I have forgotten my fishing pole, I’ll be right back” and to the pastors amazement he stepped out of the boat and walked on top of water towards the shore.
When he had returned, the second guy said “I need to use the restroom, I’ll be right back” Again the pastor watched in amazement as he also walked on water. Once the second guy returned, not wanting to be outdone, the pastor wanted to share in the anointing and prove his faith and said ” I need to use the restroom too”. As soon as he stepped out of the boat, he started drowning; he screamed, struggled and got back into the boat. When he had composed himself he stood up and proclaimed “In Jesus name I take authority over this water” and tried again and started drowning again.
The guys looked at each other and said “Should we pity him and tell him where the rocks are “? wicked guys!!

Johnbull went for an occasion on mothers day and he was enjoying every minute of it, just before the closing prayer the MC said ” the best years of my life were spent in de arms of a woman who wasnt my wife” , there was shock and silence for a while but then he added “she was my mother!!”
The crowd gave him a big round of aplause and cheers…
Tired from the event Johnbull walks back home and met perpetua (his wife) in the kitchen preparing dinner and tries to repeat de quote, he starts; “De best years of my life were spent in de arms of a woman who wasnt my wife…” He stands for a while trying to recall the second line of de quote and by the time he regained his senses he was on a hospital bed recieving treatment for 3rd degree burns form boiling water!

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
I said, “If you think she’s gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?”
I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
Gbosa!!!

Obinna was coming back from school, singing and dancing, the father asked him and said my son this one dat you are happy, singing and dancing, I have not seen you in dis mood for a while now, the boy replied and said papa, u will not be buying new textbooks, notebooks and all the writing materials. The father shouted, that’s my son!!! but wait oo, did you win scholarship or something? The boy said noo, I AM REPEATING THE SAME CLASS AGAIN…….”The father just fainted.

There’s this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said,”If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit!” Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had “fallen.”
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, “You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen.”
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, “I don’t know what you’re laughing about, your wife fell three times this week.” Yepa!