₦airaland Forum

Welcome, Guest: Join Nairaland / LOGIN! / Trending / Recent / New
Stats: 1,992,311 members, 4,202,649 topics. Date: Monday, 23 April 2018 at 02:46 AM

Na Man You Be - Literature - Nairaland

Nairaland Forum / Entertainment / Literature / Na Man You Be (19520 Views)

Ufodu Ihe Ndi Igbo Ji Esi Nri Na Ulo Ha (traditional Cooking Utensils) / Lagos Na Wa! / "Nwa Aba Na City" (a Pidgin Story) (1) (2) (3) (4)

(0) (1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) (7) (Reply) (Go Down)

Na Man You Be by flow1759: 1:17pm On Jul 09, 2017
Its flow again. You remember me? The one that cracked so many ribs, right from Barrack boy to Ibo boy wey like Yoruba to Man wey dey reason to Flow and Snow to Brother Wale and so many co-labos with other Nairaland writers.

Here i am with this rib cracker tithed "Na Man you be"

PS: Due to my busy schedule i might not post as regular as you want me to, but i will do my best.

Still d same Flow

Still i Flow

Please if your name is Olaniyi Olanipekun i am not referring to you in this story.

14 Likes 3 Shares

Re: Na Man You Be by kelvinhilton(m): 1:19pm On Jul 09, 2017
FTC.. MAKE I PACK WELL.
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 2:01pm On Jul 09, 2017
As the sun set in the city of Port Harcourt, so does Ola set out to meet with his friend Nnamdi in his business place in Garison.

"So me sef go dey use Andiirod phone" he said to himself.

Nnamdi had two days earlier promised Ola he would with 9000 naira help him get a good Andriod phone in Ogbunabali phone village. What Ola forgot to ask Nnamdi was if the phone was to have a life span of two weeks. Yes! The phone did pass two weeks life span - it lasted two weeks three days before it caught malaria - and high blood pressure too.

"So Enadi go buy me Andiirod phone wey make sense, and i go com dey do facing book" Ola's command of English was war - Baifran war!

Soon Ola was "on" a cab. He was seated comfortably on the fender of a cab that almost ran over him at Rumuola.

"You wan kill me!" He cried, "abi u no dey see road"

"You dey m'ad there! Na your papa no dey see road" The cab driver cursed, "if u wan die you better go mortuary go die"

Ola first thought he wasn't prepared to die before he thought of the mortuary as not a place to die.

"Goat! Dem dey die for mortuary?" He responded, "abi na there your papa die?"

Ola immidiately flashed back to He, Nnamdi and Ogbonta going to pluck mangoes in a mango tree near Fadam mortuary.


That was the day Ola saw death. He kissed death rather.

Ogbonta and Nnamdi had warned Ola not to climb above the fourth branch of the tree as that was "Anthill of the Savanna".

"Rugged" Ola climbed even up to the sixth branch not only becuase he saw ripe mangoes there but becuase he needed to show "the world"; i mean his friends he was skillful climbing.

"Ola ant dey there ooh!" Nnamdi warned.

"If ant dey nkor?" Ola said "make i no plog dem this ripe mongo"

From nowhere Ants rained on Ola that he thought they were actually bees and he yelled "yeeeeeh! Oooh! Beee ooh! I don die ooh!" as the struck each branch decending.

He landed with six farts represented each of the branches his head, waist, legs and mindle leg struck.

Nnamdi and Ogbonta ran leaving Ola who on venturing to rise saw his late grandpa with some stars round his head like he was angel Gabriel.

" Baba mi" he called out, but when he saw the ghost smiled angelic, "Angel Gabriel!" he cried loudly, "help me!"

6 Likes

Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 2:13pm On Jul 09, 2017
kelvinhilton:
FTC.. MAKE I PACK WELL.

Pack well brother. And don't forget to buy extra rib, and extra teeth too. grin
Re: Na Man You Be by swiz123(m): 2:38pm On Jul 09, 2017
Flow flowey!!!!!!!! CEO tukpalico!!!!!my man... Like this eh e don tey o!
Re: Na Man You Be by mizzytan(m): 2:51pm On Jul 09, 2017
Long time flow. Welcome back from sabbatical. Anticipating for the next episode.
Re: Na Man You Be by diaryOfpersius(m): 2:54pm On Jul 09, 2017
Wlc back flow......... Following all the way.
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 3:20pm On Jul 09, 2017
Ola was now "in" not "on" a cab, a more jalopy cab than the one that almost ran over him.

"Where this motor dey go?" Ola asked a rather stupi'd question.

"Waterline! Garison! Park!!" the driver sang a song that sounded like "mammy w'ater! Garri! Spare part" to Ola.

"Mammy w'ater!" Ola whispered. He turned to see a m'ammy w'ater seated at his right. Turning to the left he saw the opposite of m'ammy w'ater, the reverse of mam'my water rather - water in the m'ammy.

*As a barrack boy i remember what it was when water flooded the mammy market of Ojo military cantonment- ugly. So i thought! Well thats just me thinking, not Ola.*

Ola admires ugly ladies than fine ones for no just cause, maybe it was becuase Funke his younger sister was ugly personified - or maybe not.

Ola admired the lady's nose! Her nostrils was like cutting two Geepee tanks into two equal halves and socketing both halves on a face.

Ola admired her eyeballs! Wait for it! Her eyesballs were not of the same size; the left one was bigger.

What about her ears? All Ola saw was his grandma's plastic hand fan.



The cab swayed from hitting an old woman walking by the road.

"You want to killing that woman" one of the ladies said.

"I know say e no go pass this ugly girl nahim speak this rubbish English" Ola thought. But to his gratest amazement the "beautiful ones were not yet born".

"Driver it is not gooding the way you are driving, u for almost killing that woman" Ola was highly dissapointed at the beautiful lady.

His love for her immidiately melted! Ooh my God!

The cab was close to GRA when a fart came.

"Who mess?" A guy seated in front asked.

"Na your papa mess?" Ola replied with the mouth of his mind.

"Driver give me winaa make i wind down" another guy said.

"But the glass dey down na" the driver replied. The fart was blinding i think.

"E no go better for the person wey messed" Ola blundered. Past tense of mess is messed Ade, Ola's friend had tutored him sometime ago.

It was the same Ade that told him "anytime wey you dey for where people dey and you mess just begin to dey curse the person wey mess, them no go know say na you mess".

The last time Ola farted in the presence of his siblings and cursed the "farter" the "fartee" responded "Amen!" when they were sure it was he who farted becuase they knew the fragnance of each other's fart in that family. Family bonding you would call that right?

They were so bonded in the family that they could tell the difference between Ola's and Yemi's fart - Ola's fart smells of Rotten egg mixed with palm wine while Yemi's smells of Kiwi Polish and Gutter every other days except on Sundays when the family ate Rice and stew; on that day it smells of Agbo Jedi the farmented one.


Agbo jedi was what Ola drank that morning before heading to Nnamdi's save his intestine is ripped as a result of the Beans and bread he ate the previous night. Spoilt beans and expired bread i think.

"My belle oooh!" he cried as the cab passed GRA traffic light.

"It is insolent that an adult mammal reduce his prestige and self reputation as to fart in transit, it is rather morbid!" Water in mammy surprised Ola.

5 Likes

Re: Na Man You Be by Deji124(m): 3:38pm On Jul 09, 2017
Wow so flow is back i can read this alone oh Ayamboye Hadampson Wizsolzy Ikombe evajael Stephengee heblessedman Q ueenite Toyin223 Samesquare oya cum and enjoy this rib cracking story with me,
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 3:41pm On Jul 09, 2017
mizzytan:
Long time flow. Welcome back from sabbatical. Anticipating for the next episode.

Thank you! I miss Ishilove. Is she still alive? kiss
Re: Na Man You Be by Uthman51(m): 3:58pm On Jul 09, 2017
thank God I no late...
Re: Na Man You Be by Rahbiew: 4:10pm On Jul 09, 2017
bros where u go hide na?
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 4:14pm On Jul 09, 2017
Rahbiew:
bros where u go hide na?

I no hide ooh. I dey
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 4:19pm On Jul 09, 2017
Uthman51:
thank God I no late...

Thank God for you
Re: Na Man You Be by Nkysuccess(f): 4:25pm On Jul 09, 2017
Ride on Flow, am with you. Thank God am witnessing this one live
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 4:37pm On Jul 09, 2017
Nkysuccess:
Ride on Flow, am with you. Thank God am witnessing this one live


Ur amongst the lucky few
Re: Na Man You Be by Sleekfloyd: 4:40pm On Jul 09, 2017
Flow baba i see you viewing any update for us?
Re: Na Man You Be by Tgold1(m): 4:59pm On Jul 09, 2017
Flow baba.... You dey burst my kidney based on logistics.

Hyper wogged dey worry you

1 Like

Re: Na Man You Be by Tgold1(m): 5:31pm On Jul 09, 2017
Royh SmartestPopQueen Pamelb Mrlemuel princeofpeace temigurl food don land o
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 5:34pm On Jul 09, 2017
In the beginning was Nnamdi, and Nnamdi was in Ogbunali doing business; so says the book of ND chapter one.

"Ecuse bros! I dey look for my friend toilet" Ola asked a fair guy.

"You are vely sturpid ooh! You are looking for your friend toilet o kwa ya?"

"Oooh sorry, i dey look for my friend Enadi, but i wan go toilet" He corrected.

"See toilet there, but your friend Eeenadi? I no know who be Eeenadi for this Ogbunabali" The guy pointed.

Ola dashed to where the toilet was situated but was shoved by one hefty man who asked "where your money??"

"My money? Dem dey pay for sh'iit again? S'hit is free na" Ola commented.

"S'hit is free for your papa house abi? You no know say s'Hit business is serious business?"

#Rest in peace Otunba Gadafi.#

"Okay how much to s'hit?" asked Ola.

"Fifty naira per s'hit" The man said, "but if you go stay reach 1 hour for the toilet you go pay 100 naira"

Ola thought of what subcription to go for for a while then he handed over 250 naira to the man and said, "i go s'hit for 1 hour 30 minutes, the remaining change na incase i stay for extra time, but if after 2 hours i no come out make you know say i don die inside"

Ola was shocked at how clean the toilet was, wishing their toilet at Baba street Rumuigbo was as clean as that. He could eat rice and chicken in the toilet but his tiolet in Baba street was a skate field with one's feet represented the skateboard.

Ola remembered slipping off and headbutting the toilet seat of his toilet, that was in the era of mark of the beast - he was tribal marked althrough, and he developed sore throat too.


Ola spent about 1 hour 30 minutes in the toilet with most of the time spent admiring the toilet wall.

Soon our Ola was at Nnamdi's shop - rather, where Enadi does Baranda. Baranda translated to Igbo means "Oso ahia". I think Baranda is somewhat related to Banana Island.

"Emeka onye a wu my guy, ocho k'anyi nye ya ofu umu phone chichi a" Nnamdi spoke.

"Nke ego ole? Ego ole ka o ji?" Emaka asked.

"Nye anyi nke ego ise, mana e ge dee 8000 naira na receipt, e nuna?" Ola was sold.


Emeka brought the phone and our dearest Ola so loved it.

"Wetin be the name of the phone?" Ola innocently asked.

"The name na Chiby" Emeka replied.

"Which one be Chiby"

"Chiby na the recent type of phone wey dey in vogue now" Emeka answered, "which name i go put for the reciept?"

"Put my name na? Put Olaniyi Olanipekun"

"Your name na Olaniyi?" Emeka asked.

Every person present at the shop burst into laughter on hearing the name "OLANIYI"

A lost child in Igbo. Ola was indeed a lost child becuase no thoroughbred will lose his left leg for a phone.
Re: Na Man You Be by Tgold1(m): 5:36pm On Jul 09, 2017
swiz123:
Flow flowey!!!!!!!! CEO tukpalico!!!!!my man... Like this eh e don tey o!

You dey d film my broda, oil dey your 6
Re: Na Man You Be by Ishilove: 5:43pm On Jul 09, 2017
flow1759:


Thank you! I miss Ishilove. Is she still alive? kiss
Na you go kill me? cheesy
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 5:58pm On Jul 09, 2017
Ishilove:

Na you go kill me? cheesy

Why i go kill you! You be my love na. Straight up now! I must commend your writing skill. You are good. I wish to meet you someday. kiss
Re: Na Man You Be by Observer3(m): 6:33pm On Jul 09, 2017
Oga flowey welcome ooo � cheesy
Re: Na Man You Be by ROYH(m): 6:47pm On Jul 09, 2017
I see, na flow they para abi
Tgold1:
Royh
SmartestPopQueen Pamelb Mrlemuel princeofpeace temigurl food don land o
thanks mr V , its worth reading, ti0dey greet d mama oo aka Smartestpopqueen , i c u guys via my signature

1 Like

Re: Na Man You Be by Samsimple(m): 7:54pm On Jul 09, 2017
Oga flow...grabs one bottle of udeme mixed wit 1759.., continue dey flow oohhh...i don miss u well well, those days of man wey dey reason and ishilove saga ...

Still i follow
Re: Na Man You Be by Tgold1(m): 8:01pm On Jul 09, 2017
ROYH:
I see, na flow they para abithanks mr V , its worth reading, ti0dey greet d mama oo aka Smartestpopqueen , i c u guys via my signature
na flow1759 oooo.


I see you
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 9:53pm On Jul 09, 2017
"Rumuola! Waterlines! Airforce!" A bus stop tout yelled.

Ola boarded this blue cab with so much joy in him that he too was now a "phone owner", Andriod phone owner!

Little did he know that............

"Waterlines dropping dey oh!" the passenger by Ola's right said.

As he alighted, he grabbed Ola's hand like it was his bag.

"Na my hand be that oohh" Ola giggled.

"Eheeen! If na your hand nkor!" he still grabbed Ola's hand.

"Leave my hand oh!" Ola cried.

"Common leave that phone!"

"My phone? Make i leave am?" Ola asked too many questions, "na your phone?" another question.

Ola instantly recieved a slap of his life and he went blank. Demons were flying all round his head.

"Give am him phone na!" the driver spoke.

"No be him phone! Na my phone!" His lacrimal gland was flooded.

Ola refused letting go of his phone and one of the passengers opened the door and was about pushing him out of the moving car.

"Push the guy comot, him no even get plenty money for him wallet"

Calisthenics moves was done by Ola as he was pushed out of the moving car yet he held his phone like he held his life.

"Give me that phone!" Ola could barely recognize where he was lying. He still saw demons, but mixed with some angels this time.

Yet our Ola held his phone losely this time.

Our man outside grabbed the phone and and ran. Something awakened Ola and he chased after him, little did he know there was a open gutter by the side.

His left leg first stampeded, then the right. His whole body was inside the gutter.

Save his mouth, he was dead.

He shouted with a loud voice "catch am! Catch am! Thief oh! My phone ooh!"

1 Like

Re: Na Man You Be by Nkysuccess(f): 10:08pm On Jul 09, 2017
Ride on
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 10:21pm On Jul 09, 2017
"Push the guy comot, him no get plenty money for him wallet!" Ola recalled those words.

His wallet was gone, but his phone wasn't.

"Take ur phone!" a voice.

A voice from heaven.

Immediately Ola's phone was taken from him by that guy and as he was about crossing over, he was ran over by a car and as eye witnesses heard Ola shouted "thief! Catch am!" they figured he was robbed by the guy.

Ola's phone was returned to him and he was helped out of the gutter. He was offered a ride and treatment on seeing he was bleeding yet he refused and acted like "actor no dey die for film"

Thank God he didn't die, becuase if he had died he wouldn't had lived up to celebrate his 30th birthday.

If he had died, we wouldn't have lived up to August that year when he won his first bet in Bet9ja.

Most impotantly if he had died Iya Funke his mother would have followed him to the grave so he would
provide the money she gave him to buy her herbal "Agbo" materials.
Re: Na Man You Be by samesquare(m): 7:55am On Jul 10, 2017
Deji124:
Wow so flow is back i can read this alone oh Ayamboye Hadampson Wizsolzy Ikombe evajael Stephengee heblessedman Q ueenite Toyin223 Samesquare oya cum and enjoy this rib cracking story with me,

Thanks baba for the invitation.
Mr flow good job, let it kiepon caming, ayaf a tez-ti-monie. Good morning
Re: Na Man You Be by boffinjay(m): 10:15am On Jul 10, 2017
mehn!foxyflow is back,flow1759 is back,it remains therock555.xpetin.dis people made me join NL.thumbs up

(0) (1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) (7) (Reply)

Red Night (true Life Story) / 10 Genuine Websites You Can Write For And Get Paid Instantly / The New Story Of Harry Potter And The Cursed Child

(Go Up)

Sections: politics (1) business autos (1) jobs (1) career education (1) romance computers phones travel sports fashion health
religion celebs tv-movies music-radio literature webmasters programming techmarket

Links: (0) (1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) (7) (8) (9)

Nairaland - Copyright © 2005 - 2018 Oluwaseun Osewa. All rights reserved. See How To Advertise. 169
Disclaimer: Every Nairaland member is solely responsible for anything that he/she posts or uploads on Nairaland.