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Na Man You Be - Literature (2) - Nairaland

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Ufodu Ihe Ndi Igbo Ji Esi Nri Na Ulo Ha (traditional Cooking Utensils) / Lagos Na Wa! / "Nwa Aba Na City" (a Pidgin Story) (1) (2) (3) (4)

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Re: Na Man You Be by Arondizuogu: 5:53am On Jul 13, 2017
flow1759:
Ola was now "in" not "on" a cab, a more jalopy cab than the one that almost ran over him.

"Where this motor dey go?" Ola asked a rather stupi'd question.

"Waterline! Garison! Park!!" the driver sang a song that sounded like "mammy w'ater! Garri! Spare part" to Ola.

"Mammy w'ater!" Ola whispered. He turned to see a m'ammy w'ater seated at his right. Turning to the left he saw the opposite of m'ammy w'ater, the reverse of mam'my water rather - water in the m'ammy.

*As a barrack boy i remember what it was when water flooded the mammy market of Ojo military cantonment- ugly. So i thought! Well thats just me thinking, not Ola.*

Ola admires ugly ladies than fine ones for no just cause, maybe it was becuase Funke his younger sister was ugly personified - or maybe not.

Ola admired the lady's nose! Her nostrils was like cutting two Geepee tanks into two equal halves and socketing both halves on a face.

Ola admired her eyeballs! Wait for it! Her eyesballs were not of the same size; the left one was bigger.

What about her ears? All Ola saw was his grandma's plastic hand fan.



The cab swayed from hitting an old woman walking by the road.

"You want to killing that woman" one of the ladies said.

"I know say e no go pass this ugly girl nahim speak this rubbish English" Ola thought. But to his gratest amazement the "beautiful ones were not yet born".

"Driver it is not gooding the way you are driving, u for almost killing that woman" Ola was highly dissapointed at the beautiful lady.

His love for her immidiately melted! Ooh my God!

The cab was close to GRA when a fart came.

"Who mess?" A guy seated in front asked.

"Na your papa mess?" Ola replied with the mouth of his mind.

"Driver give me winaa make i wind down" another guy said.

"But the glass dey down na" the driver replied. The fart was blinding i think.

"E no go better for the person wey messed" Ola blundered. Past tense of mess is messed Ade, Ola's friend had tutored him sometime ago.

It was the same Ade that told him "anytime wey you dey for where people dey and you mess just begin to dey curse the person wey mess, them no go know say na you mess".

The last time Ola farted in the presence of his siblings and cursed the "farter" the "fartee" responded "Amen!" when they were sure it was he who farted becuase they knew the fragnance of each other's fart in that family. Family bonding you would call that right?

They were so bonded in the family that they could tell the difference between Ola's and Yemi's fart - Ola's fart smells of Rotten egg mixed with palm wine while Yemi's smells of Kiwi Polish and Gutter every other days except on Sundays when the family ate Rice and stew; on that day it smells of Agbo Jedi the farmented one.


Agbo jedi was what Ola drank that morning before heading to Nnamdi's save his intestine is ripped as a result of the Beans and bread he ate the previous night. Spoilt beans and expired bread i think.

"My belle oooh!" he cried as the cab passed GRA traffic light.

"It is insolent that an adult mammal reduce his prestige and self reputation as to fart in transit, it is rather morbid!" Water in mammy surprised Ola.

You are seriously back. This update na bomb.
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 10:53pm On Jul 13, 2017
Ogbonta's kisses were memorable, highly romantic, out of the blues, mouth watering to talk less.

Those kisses were memorable and Dornu would never forget the cuddles too.

Handsome Ogbo baba nose-dived the relationship that would have lasted like diamond. Something caused it - Ali ndam.

In Ikwerre dialet Ali ndam means "My land"; and yes Ogbonta's land cost him his relationship with Dornubari his girlfriend.

Ogbonta owned 2 plots of land in Rumuekini, his land he so much cherished and adored. He had once promised to behead whoever tresspassed talk more of venturing to sell it.




"Oga make we call Ogbo baba tell am say dem don sell him land" Nas told his boss one Sunday morning as they walked pass Ogbonta's piece of land while returning from church.

"Yes we go call am! You no see wetin them write for the fence? dem write -This land is owen by Chief Emeka Eze, pleased keep ofor"

"Oga shey na Michael Owen get this
land?" Nas asked his boss while taking another look at the inscription on the fence.

"Them dey sell Ofor for here wey dem write - pleased to keep Ofor" Nas the illitrate.

"M'umu! No be wetin dem mean, dem no spell am well" Flo cursed.

"Oga i dey tell you wetin dem write here, na either Micheal Owen or Owen Gee nahim sell this land for Chief Emeka Eze Ofor" Nas professed.

"But who com be Owen Gee, Michael Owen and Emeka Eze Ofor?" Flo a graduate was instantly painted the emulsion of illiteracy Nas carried.

"Michael Owen dey play ball for Eyimba, Owen Gee na American Musician, Emeka Eze Ofor dey sell beans for Kano State" Nas brilliantly answered.

"Okay, i gree for all this people wey you talk so, but wetin i know be say make i call Ogbo baba tell am say dem don sell him land"


Meanwhile Ogbo baba was in church praying. His phone rang.

"Who be this mu'mu wey dey call me" Ogbonta put off his phone, "why is Flo disturbing me when i am discussing with my father"

"Hold your neighbour's hands, say neighbour! E no go better for the devil wey wan try me this year" The man of God announced..

"E no go better for..........................." Ola held Ogbonta's hand firmly.

"E no go better for.........................." Ola's phone rang.

"Ogbo! Ogbo! Flo dey call me!" He tapped Ogbonta mid-way the prayers.

"Ooh! Devil get behind me!" Ogbonta motioned.

"Na me be devil abi? I dey tell you say Flo dey call me you say devil get behind me!" He sneaked out.

"Hello! Flo wetin dey happen? We dey church call us back............ Ehnn? You say wetin? Dem don sell Ogbo baba land?................ Choi!"

"Say to your neighbour! You will dominate your land!" The man of God announced.

Just then Ola sneaked back in from outside saying, "Ogbo baba dem dom sell your land ooh!

"Ali ndam eeeeh!"
Re: Na Man You Be by boffinjay(m): 11:17pm On Jul 13, 2017
lolz,funny update.pls bring maw 2nite.please
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 11:50pm On Jul 13, 2017
boffinjay:
lolz,funny update.pls bring maw 2nite.please

I wish! I am tired.
Re: Na Man You Be by gunners160(m): 7:07am On Jul 14, 2017
Nice one flow just that I am finding it a bit difficult to understand the story .Most of the update no dey in line with the previous once but I laugh die
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 7:12am On Jul 14, 2017
gunners160:
Nice one flow just that I am finding it a bit difficult to understand the story .Most of the update no dey in line with the previous once but I laugh die

I suppose you are a new fan of mine.

If you have been reading my stories you should know that it my writing style; i am still in the introduction of characters and their abilities using flash backs.

Each update is always linked to the previous read well. If you are confused read previous udate again before reading the next.
Re: Na Man You Be by EmpresFIDEL(f): 7:20am On Jul 14, 2017
wow Flowey is back. I miss ya
Re: Na Man You Be by tobidipity(m): 7:46am On Jul 14, 2017
Flow flow flow flowwwww. Oboy I don dey wait make u write make read tay tay. Thank God holy spirit don minister give u. My brother u are mouthedly mouthed.
Re: Na Man You Be by menwongo(m): 8:21am On Jul 14, 2017
Another sleepless nights loading courtesy flow
Re: Na Man You Be by boffinjay(m): 8:30am On Jul 14, 2017
flow1759:

I wish! I am tired.
ok bro.we understand.
Re: Na Man You Be by jeff1993: 9:06am On Jul 14, 2017
FloBaba ..... I don miss u like mast!!!!!

Na ur name make me change my brand to 1759!!!!!
Re: Na Man You Be by Therock5555(m): 9:29am On Jul 14, 2017
boffinjay:
mehn!foxyflow is back,flow1759 is back,it remains therock555.xpetin.dis people made me join NL.thumbs up
*coughs trice and sniffs the air then slowlyreturn back to coma* grin
Re: Na Man You Be by Therock5555(m): 9:44am On Jul 14, 2017
Mr flow weldone sah
Re: Na Man You Be by swiz123(m): 9:53am On Jul 14, 2017
Therock5555:
Mr flow weldone sah
the rock wey no get muscle grin...where u con go since na...just like d poster above me, I joined nairaland because of you and flow1759,when your stories was perhaps plagiarized by a facebook page 'amebo gist'. Both of of have almost the same style of writing,like describing a fight scene,pesin must crack his rib
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 10:01am On Jul 14, 2017
Therock5555:
Mr flow weldone sah

Welldone to another great writer
Re: Na Man You Be by Jonah507(m): 10:10am On Jul 14, 2017
flow1759:
"Push the guy comot, him no get plenty money for him wallet!" Ola recalled those words.

His wallet was gone, but his phone wasn't.

"Take ur phone!" a voice.

A voice from heaven.

Immediately Ola's phone was taken from him by that guy and as he was about crossing over, he was ran over by a car and as eye witnesses heard Ola shouted "thief! Catch am!" they figured he was robbed by the guy.

Ola's phone was returned to him and he was helped out of the gutter. He was offered a ride and treatment on seeing he was bleeding yet he refused and acted like "actor no dey die for film"

Thank God he didn't die, becuase if he had died he wouldn't had lived up to celebrate his 30th birthday.

If he had died, we wouldn't have lived up to August that year when he won his first bet in Bet9ja.

Most impotantly if he had died Iya Funke his mother would have followed him to the grave so he would
provide the money she gave him to buy her herbal "Agbo" materials.
waiting for the next episode.... Still You flow indeed.
Re: Na Man You Be by CharlieMaria(m): 10:55am On Jul 14, 2017
Flowing with you....
Re: Na Man You Be by queenitee(f): 11:27am On Jul 14, 2017
Deji124:
Wow so flow is back i can read this alone oh Ayamboye Hadampson Wizsolzy Ikombe evajael Stephengee heblessedman Q ueenite Toyin223 Samesquare oya cum and enjoy this rib cracking story with me,
I just saw this, thanks
Re: Na Man You Be by queenitee(f): 11:30am On Jul 14, 2017
I'm hooked on this one
Re: Na Man You Be by eROCK247(m): 11:53am On Jul 14, 2017
Flow baba, welcome back. BTW u need to find a way to interpret the Igbo dialogues o! Glad to have u back boss!!
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 12:27pm On Jul 14, 2017
August 20th 2014 is a day Ogbonta and his crew will never forget, especially Ola.

"Papa, i must kill person! Somebody go die" Ogbonta dashed out of his room heading towards his Mazda Kpof Kpof car.Car? Did i just say car? Sorry, motor car.

If you were Ogbonta's friend and you don't face his tough times with him, then you ain't fit to be called his friend.

"Una carry una cutlass abi?" Ogbonta asked his friends Nnamdi and Ola that were already seated in his Mazda Kpof Kpof waiting for him.

"Yes we carry!" Nnamdi responded.

"I no carry ooh!" Ola cried out.

"Okay take this my own! I hold daga here!" Ogbonta offered.

What of Ade? Why him no dey here?" Ogbonta asked.

"I tell am make him com follow us go oh, but him say him wan go school of disciple" Ola informed.

School of disciple is located east of Timaya street; just directly opposite the compound singer Timaya stayed in his porverty days.

Guess what? School of discipleship grooms great minds that towed the Bet9ja path; a subtle path.

"This motor no gree start ooh, una go come down com push am"

"Push........ Push!" sounded like "Mess............. Mess!" to our Ola from Messopomia.


"But guy how your sweet babe Dornu go go sell your land na?" Nnamdi said while they moved.

"And i trusted that girl! I trusted Dornu! Why will she do such a thing to me?" Ogbonta cried.

"Hmmn! Odeh! Okponu! You dey trust woman!" Ola dared not spoke out.

Ola had learnt from experience never to trust even a Hen. His heart had been cut into tiny particles by women, and he was carrying Amoeba in his chest not heart.

Ola had sold his fathers plasma TV to save the life of Yemisi's mother ill of cancer, months later Yemisi dumped him for Nnamdi - the cheerful give and cheerful collector too - Tax collector!

Ola had stolen his father's 200,000 Naira to give to Nkem Nnamdi's younger sister.

Ola had used Funke his sister's school fees to settle Chioma Nnamdi's ex house rent. He later found out that the two Anambrarians played a fast one on him; they were still dating.

Somehow Nmamdi always showed up in Ola's peril to cause him havoc, he was always related to Ola's tears.




"Guy! Wetin i dey see so? Soja!" They had reached.

"Where you see soja?" Ola replied.

"You no see them there?"

"Guy you be m'umu ooh, who tell you say those people wey sidon there na sojas?" Ola informed, "i know them na, dem be red cross members, dem dey com my mama place com drink Agbo well well"

"Guy you sure? Dem wear Army cap oh" Ogbonta said.

"Guy i dey tell you say i dey sure, even sef one of dem name na Ola, my name sake"

"Okay wetin we go do now? I need to reclaim my land!" Ogbonta said.

"See i go come down for this motor go hail dem, them be my guys!" Ola assured, "them dey red cross, dem no be sojas i dey tell you"

"But Ola see wetin them write for that sign post! Military zion, keep offor!"

The name of the writer of that bill must be Jideofor Ofor related to Sir Emeka Ofor the richest Igbo man in Nigeria. #Respect#

"Military zion?" Ola read, "Na Red cross zion dem suppose write there"

"Abeg make i go hail my guys jor!" Ola had stepped out of Mazda Kpof Kpof forgeting he was holding his cutlass.


"Guys how far!" He stretched out his hand for a handshake, "No mind this cutlass wey i hold so, i wan go clear my farm"

One of the soldiers stood up for a handshake; a cheekshake rather.

"Agboooiwoooaaar!" Earthquake happened on Ola's cheek and "rain drops" instantly descended from his eyes as he descended.

He could feel he had caught pile the female version.

"My son, the sun is gonna shine on everything you do!" A loud voice from above said while Ola was epileptic on the floor.

"But father all i see is cross, Red cross!"

"Then carry your cross my son, carry your crossssss!"

1 Like

Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 12:33pm On Jul 14, 2017
eROCK247:
Flow baba, welcome back. BTW u need to find a way to interpret the Igbo dialogues o! Glad to have u back boss!!

Okay Noted
Re: Na Man You Be by emmabest2000(m): 12:47pm On Jul 14, 2017
flow1759:
Its flow again. You remember me? The one that cracked so many ribs, right from Barrack boy to Ibo boy wey like Yoruba to Man wey dey reason to Flow and Snow to Brother Wale and so many co-labos with other Nairaland writers.

Here i am with this rib cracker tithed "Na Man you be"

PS: Due to my busy schedule i might not post as regular as you want me to, but i will do my best.

Still d same Flow

Still i Flow

Please if your name is Olaniyi Olanipekun i am not referring to you in this story.


Keep flowing dude
Re: Na Man You Be by yellow237(m): 12:50pm On Jul 14, 2017
flow! flow!! flowee!!! I hail my man..
if to say u be woman na me for marry u, but since say u be man i will give u my ex make u marry i sure say u go like am
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 12:52pm On Jul 14, 2017
And so i made front page.

Thank you to all my fans; standing fans, ceiling fans, wall fans, and even Air conditioners.

Una be correct!

PS: something tells me Ishilove is somehow responsible for my hitting front page.
Re: Na Man You Be by Rapoo(m): 12:57pm On Jul 14, 2017
it's indeed rip cracking, keep it coming bro, thumbs up
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 1:02pm On Jul 14, 2017
yellow237:
flow! flow!! flowee!!! I hail my man..
if to say u be woman na me for marry u, but since say u be man i will give u my ex make u marry i sure say u go like am

Hahaha! If she fine, she no get K-leg, her mouth no dey smell, she no be messy-messy, she no get big eye, she no be albino, then give her my number.

My number dey for this story. Decipher it.
Re: Na Man You Be by boffinjay(m): 1:05pm On Jul 14, 2017
Therock5555:
*coughs trice and sniffs the air then slowlyreturn back to coma* grin
lolz;Dabeg cum shack us wit funny story jare.
Re: Na Man You Be by boffinjay(m): 1:10pm On Jul 14, 2017
lolz.funny update
Re: Na Man You Be by BentSpoon(m): 1:41pm On Jul 14, 2017
shocked





[font=Lucida Sans Unicode][/font] parked safely
Re: Na Man You Be by Countrygirl(f): 1:46pm On Jul 14, 2017
flow1759:


Hahaha! If she fine, she no get K-leg, her mouth no dey smell, she no be messy-messy, she no get big eye, she no be albino, then give her my number.

My number dey for this story. Decipher it.
so zero hate zero .....is actually your number.

I've never read any of your stories, will definitely follow this

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