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Na Man You Be - Literature (1) - Nairaland

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A Tribute To Buchi Emecheta; N'odu Na Ndokwa. / Ufodu Ihe Ndi Igbo Ji Esi Nri Na Ulo Ha (traditional Cooking Utensils) / No Be Me, Na Baba God (1) (2) (3) (4)

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Re: Na Man You Be by Toyin223(f): 10:38am On Jul 10, 2017
Deji124:
Wow so flow is back i can read this alone oh Ayamboye Hadampson Wizsolzy Ikombe evajael Stephengee heblessedman Q ueenite Toyin223 Samesquare oya cum and enjoy this rib cracking story with me,
Am At Ur Back Sir
Re: Na Man You Be by Hadampson(m): 11:11am On Jul 10, 2017
Deji124:
Wow so flow is back i can read this alone oh Ayamboye Hadampson Wizsolzy Ikombe evajael Stephengee heblessedman Q ueenite Toyin223 Samesquare oya cum and enjoy this rib cracking story with me,
I don land gidigba, nothing do me... Captain stepheegee12, permission to carry on sir #salute
Re: Na Man You Be by AyarmBoye(m): 2:26pm On Jul 10, 2017
Deji124:
Wow so flow is back i can read this alone oh Ayamboye Hadampson Wizsolzy Ikombe evajael Stephengee heblessedman Q ueenite Toyin223 Samesquare oya cum and enjoy this rib cracking story with me,
Oya shift leme siddon..... Hope there's much rain of ALOMO bitters......
Re: Na Man You Be by ritababe(f): 4:57pm On Jul 10, 2017
#following
Re: Na Man You Be by UnlimitedIfex(m): 5:06pm On Jul 10, 2017
Flow baba welcum back, i dey follow u step_by_step
Re: Na Man You Be by Kirgyakos(m): 5:35pm On Jul 10, 2017
Senior man make 'God' bless u abeg..kai adon die........bro flow! Flow!! Flow!!!
Re: Na Man You Be by FoxyFlow(m): 7:12pm On Jul 10, 2017
I dey here too.....
Re: Na Man You Be by Samsimple(m): 7:18pm On Jul 10, 2017
boffinjay:
mehn!foxyflow is back,flow1759 is back,it remains therock555.xpetin.dis people made me join NL.thumbs up
na legendary writers u mention so ooohh
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 10:18pm On Jul 10, 2017
"Flo you no get sense ooh! Dem no beat me, i fall inside gutter as i wan pursue the guy wey wan carry my phone run"

"I don see you na! Super man!" Flo hailed.

"You no go believe me na!"

"I believe you i swear! Hahaha! I believe you die!" Flo said, "where the phone sef?"

"Why you dey ask me where the phone dey? See am here!" Ola brought out his Chiby phone, "abeg give me beans and bread make i chop"

"How much beans?"

"100 naira own na! Put am vegetable ooh"

Dried vegetable was what Ola meant. The type that made Flo left his fast food joint and was dancing in the rain. Dancing n'aked. Dancing shoki in the era of the dance step.

Flo had on October 1st assured Nnamdi and the rest that he would eat four plates of beans mixed with 10 wraps of vegetable; the type he christened Vitamin C as a result of the clear fact that it makes one see clearer.

Victamin C could be traced to Ohaji Egbema where Flo hails from.

"Buy enough Vitamin C if you dey come back from Omoku ooh!" Flo was speaking to Nas his sales man on phone on the night of 30th of September.

Omoku was another place where half sack of Vitamins and minerals could be bought for just 1000 naira.

At about 12:46 pm on the 1st October, it was on a Sunday, Flo had cooked two pots of beans - one for his customers, one for himself and Nas.

"Shey today na your birthday!" Flo had dished out a mountain top of beans for himself without waiting for his friends to see him munch the plates of beans and "vegies" he promised.

"Why you dey ask me that question? You better go wash those dirty plate!" He commanded

Nas broke a plate when he had a shout "Noooo way! No way! No way!"

"No way wetin" Nas was shocked.

As Nas dashed in from the backyard to see who shouted, he saw eye-full.

"No way!" Flo took of his shirt and was unlocking his belt.

"No way to where oga Flo?" Nas saw his boss's formerly white boxers.

"No way! Nigerian soldiers cannot beat Biafran soldiers in this war when i am here!" Flo was shouting, "a whole me commander Flo!"

"Oga this your boxers too dirty oh!" Nas almost said, but to his greatest amazement his boss was n'aked soon.

"Oga you n'aked ooh" Nas said, "see your thing!"

"Your thing be like compass" He almost said.

"Who n'aked? You see me on my military regalia you say i n'aked" Flo admired his n'akedness for a while, "abi you no dey see well?"

"I dey see well ooh! Oga you n'aked!" Nas warned.

"M'umu boy! Help me find my Biafran Army beret make i wear for my head jor!" Flo replied, "okay see am here! I don see am!"

Flo was holding the third plate of beans he had just dished for himself and confidently stamped it on his head.

"Beans!" Nas yelled.

Our Flo was battle ready with his "beans plated beret" and Camouflage regalia.

Biafra must win this war!


He killed about two battalions of Nigerian soldiers with his AK 47 rifle in between his legs.

Wait for it! His gun was his "thing" and i guess his bullets were just two in number - his b'alls. Or so i thought.

His friends Ade, Ola, Nnamdi and Ogbonta were on their way to FLO INTERCONTINENTAL RETAURANT when they from a distance saw their friend Flo dancing shoki in the rain.

Even the heavens had blessed the victory of Biafra over Nigeria with a conventional rain.

Friends indeed! All Flo's friends ran for their dear lives save the Police shows up except Ola.

Ola stood for a while pondering.

"Hope say Nas no put pepper for this vegetable and beans wey Flo take wey make am dey mad so?" He recalled Nas combinning dried pepper with the vegetable and beans he served him on his birthday. That was the worst birthday that almost turned death day.






"You mix this beans and vegetable with pepper?" Ola asked Flo who was exploring his Chiby phone.

3 Likes 1 Share

Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 10:21pm On Jul 10, 2017
FoxyFlow:
I dey here too.....

FoxyFlow keekwanu
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 10:29pm On Jul 10, 2017
Samsimple:

na legendary writers u mention so ooohh

God be praised i am now legendary

1 Like

Re: Na Man You Be by Nobody: 10:45pm On Jul 10, 2017
He who reads flow1759 story without laughing his lungs, heart, and kidney out has either lost his laughing faculty in Bet9ja, or still thinking of MMM.
Oga Flow, Whenever I enta nairaland, and story no dey, I dey always reread ur tori, from Igbo boy wey like yoruba, to Man wey dey reason, to flow and snow... on and on.
keep it up bro!

3 Likes

Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 10:49pm On Jul 10, 2017
Mrlemuel:
He who reads flow1759 story without laughing his lungs, heart, and kidney out has either lost his laughing faculty in Bet9ja, or still thinking of MMM.
Oga Flow, Whenever I enta nairaland, and story no dey, I dey always reread ur tori, from Igbo boy wey like yoruba, to Man wey dey reason, to flow and snow... on and on.
keep it up bro!

Thanks Bro. I promise you more laughter.
Re: Na Man You Be by prisiliveth: 11:09pm On Jul 10, 2017
Am so Happy ure back flow.keep flowing.....or so I thought...
Re: Na Man You Be by Samsimple(m): 6:44am On Jul 11, 2017
More more we want more oya oga flow come and kwontinue b4 i change am 4 u...or so i thought..
Re: Na Man You Be by Nobody: 8:08am On Jul 11, 2017
Oga Flow Nwa, write the story from your point of view, it's easier to undastand
Re: Na Man You Be by boffinjay(m): 10:14am On Jul 11, 2017
Samsimple:
na legendary writers u mention so ooohh
abi na.they're truly legend
Re: Na Man You Be by boffinjay(m): 10:24am On Jul 11, 2017
9ce update oga flow
Re: Na Man You Be by Streetmade(m): 10:52am On Jul 11, 2017
Flowey,ride on i dey ur back
Re: Na Man You Be by viktohmarkz(m): 12:23pm On Jul 11, 2017
Flow welcome oh....maka sit well
Re: Na Man You Be by FoxyFlow(m): 3:03pm On Jul 11, 2017
flow1759:


FoxyFlow keekwanu

Baba odimma. I see you still have this crush on Ishilove. Choi! Man wey dey Reason, Ishilove Don marry o!

No be my mouth you first hear am sha...
Re: Na Man You Be by PBeni(m): 3:04pm On Jul 11, 2017
Flow is back! It's been a while. Nice story here, give us some more...
Re: Na Man You Be by Ishilove: 3:26pm On Jul 11, 2017
FoxyFlow:


Baba odimma. I see you still have this crush on Ishilove. Choi! Man wey dey Reason, Ishilove Don marry o!

No be my mouth you first hear am sha...
Lol. Yeye cheesy
Re: Na Man You Be by FoxyFlow(m): 3:40pm On Jul 11, 2017
Ishilove:

Lol. Yeye cheesy

How far, ping me na. For whatsApp oh. I get one small problem like that. You fit help me.

Ishibabe.... wink wink wink
Re: Na Man You Be by Samsimple(m): 4:49pm On Jul 11, 2017
Oga flow well done oohh so u dey view dis thread now(4:45pm 11th july).. Bt u no won update...oga flow no vex me oohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 12:21am On Jul 12, 2017
Baba street Rumuigbo is like every other Batcha settlement; the street rough and rugged, the buildings scattered. You could hardly find dogs roaming about the street because of the large settlement of Akwa Ibomites. Umoh's 404 joint was out of this world- every bone of it!.

Just opposite Umoh's 404 joint is Flo's intercontinental restaurant - a perfect blend of hospitality. Right beyind Umoh's 404 joint lies a palace of Coke. Not Coca Cola now; Coke, just Coke.

Coke studio owned by Ogbonta.

Several conglomerates of businesses had sprout out of Baba street but Coke studio stands out amongst all.

Ogbonta owned and managed his Coke studio deligently little wonder he is affiliated with the high and mighty who prefers his "granulated" Coke.



"Guy if you see this car wey one of my customer drive come buy Coke yesterday eehnnnn!" Ogbonta's love for cars.

"Which customer?" Ola asked.

"Barrister Sambo na! You no know am na!" Ogbonta replied.

"How i go know am, i dey take Coke?" Ola reminded

"Who want you to take coke? You no fit take coke sef" Ade said, "abeg Ogbo Baba tell us how the motor be jor"

"Na latest Range rover sport, if you see the wheel ehhn!" just then Nnamdi walked in.

"Na that type of motor i go buy next month" Ola said.

"You dey mad there! You wan buy motor! You wey be f'u'ck up guy! Na you make us miss that Toyota spider wey we for thief that day" Nnamdi reminded Ola.

Ola Lilly and Rose livered.



The story goes thus:

A chubby pot bellied man came out of his car one hot afternoon asking Ola and Nnamdi seated outside after Ogbonta.

"Pls i am looking for one Ogbo Baba, someone directed me to him and gave me his number, i called him telling him i was coming to see him, he told me to come after describing this place, but on getting here, his number isn't going again" The man narrated.

"Oga we know where Ogbo Baba dey stay, but before we go carry you go, you go show us love" Nnamdi the cheat.

The chubby man did showed Ola and Nnamdi love, but his keys dropped.

His car keys dropped as he dipped his hand into his pocket without his noticing.

"See your car key don fall" Ola almost said but Nnamdi tapped him to silence.

"Ola carry am go show am where Coke studio dey!" Nnamdi said.

"Coke studio! I am looking for Ogbo Baba not Coke studio" the man was lost.

"Ehehim.Na for Coke studio nahim you go see Ogbo baba na!" Ola assured him.


On returning from Coke studio Ola saw Nnamdi close to the chubby pot bellied man's car comfirming it was not alarmed.

"Guy i hope say no be wetin i dey think so you wan do?"

"Na wetin i wan do ooh!" Nnamdi replied, "abeg come drive this car make we comot here"

"I no dey drive anything, drive am by yourself" Ola replied.

"But you know say i no sabi drive na!"

"That one concern you ooh! I cant steal somebody's car ooh!"

While they argued how they were to steal the car, Funke walked pass smiling, little did they know she overhead them and she was on a mission.

Her mission was to go tell the chubby pot bellied man the plans of her brother and Nnamdi.

"Mami dey look for me?" Ola asked his sister.

"No, Mami no dey look for you, continue!"

Nnamdi immediately sensed something cray fishy about the look on Funke's face.

Before Nnamdi could say Jack Thompson and think of his next move, the chubby pot bellied man came out shouting "thief! theif!"

Ola and gutters are best of friends no gainsaying that.

Ola slipped and stamped his whole body in the full to the brim June Gutter. The same gutter Flo p'oos on late at night after the close of work.

Rising to see if the chubby man was after him he at that point noticed his face was all mascaraed with "portor-portor" and fufu-like p'oo.

The chubby man chased after Nnamdi while Nnamdi chased after Funke the whistle blower.

Soon the chubby man tired stopped on seeing his car keys had been dropped by Nnamdi, yet Nnamdi kept chasing Funke.

Ola with the mascara on his face stopped abruptly when he discovered his phone was not with him.

He had kept his Chiby phone on top of the man's car while he was undecided whether to drive the car or not.

"My Chiby!" He turned.

The man drove pass but Ola from his hide out noticed the phone wasn't on top of the car.

"My Chiby!"

My sweet heart! i don't want to catch you, Wait for me!" Nnamdi shouted still chasing Funke.

His mission was to rape Funke in the mortuary - an opportunity for him.

#Say no to rape#
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 7:11am On Jul 12, 2017
Samsimple:
Oga flow well done oohh so u dey view dis thread now(4:45pm 11th july).. Bt u no won update...oga flow no vex me oohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

No vex that time i dey office, i just say make i read my own story while sipping Zobo.
Re: Na Man You Be by Streetmade(m): 7:37am On Jul 12, 2017
Baba flow no kill person oh
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 11:10am On Jul 12, 2017
"You dey talk say i be f''uc'k up guy, what of my phone nkor?" Ola attacked, "abi you no know say that man carry my phone for on top him motor go that day"

"Your phone! That your rubbish phone wey don spoil abi?" Ade said.

"You dey mad there! No be you spoil the phone?" Ola reminded.

Ade the King maker was the anopheles responsible for the malaria Ola's phone caught.

He had borrowed Ola's phone to entice Bisi the girl he wooed one night.


"My name is Ade the king maker!" Ade sugar coated, "I am from New York city, i schooled in California, i worked as a Bank manager in Florida, i just came to Nigeria to see my parents, its like you are new here? Whats your name?"

"Me?"

"No us!" Ade whispered.

"You said?" Bisi asked.

"I said you are drop dead delectable and gorgeous, and that you are driving me crazy" Ade continued.

"Thank you!" She smiled, "my name is Bisi".

"Okay! Bisi, thats a nice name, you have a phone? Can i have your number?"

"My number! My number is shero hate shero teri two six shero shefun six won won"

"You say what?? I beg your pardon? I didn't get that"

"I say shero hate shero..............."

"Dont bother, just dail it on this my Chiby phone" Ade handed over the phone to Bisi.

"The phone is hot oh, did you cook it?"

"That is how it is manufactured, it is always hot in cold weather and cold in hot weather; it is called weather for two, weather for two of us! You know!" He winked.

"Eheen! It is too hot ooh"

"Yes that whats up, hold it well oh" Ade cautioned.

"This is my number! Flash me"

Ade collected the pipping hot phone and on dailing her number, the phone went blank.

"Have you flash me?" Bisi asked.

"No i haven't flashed you, this phone dont flash, it calls, i will call you later" Ade slipped the phone into his pocket bearing the hotness.


Next day...............

"Ola how i go take see that girl, i no save her number before the phone spoil" Ade said to Ola as they walked passed the road he and Bisi walked searching for missing Bisi.

"You dey mad there! You don spoil my phone you dey tell me about woman"

"Sorry na! I don tell you say i go repair am for you na" Ade pet his friend Ola.

"Wait ooh! na here the girl tell me say she dey stay" Ade pointed at a handsomely ugly house opposite where they stood, just then an equally handsomely ugly girl walked out of the house to pour dirty water into the gutter.

"Shey na she be that?" Ola asked Ade.

"No be she ooh, how that babe go get this kin mark for face?" The face looked like bull dog with tribal marks but the body looked like that of pop star Beyonce.

Ade was sure the body was that of Bisi's but he couldn't just place the face. He remembered he was drunk last night.

"Bisi! Is that you?" Ade called out.

"Thats my name, i am Bisi" Ade's mouth was ajar.

"Ade the king maker! Is that you! Come na!" Bisi called out.

Ade crossed over and reaching Bisi he discovered Beyonce was far from it, it was Nicki Minaj.

"See n'yash oooh" Ola's mouth was ajar.

Not just his mouth, his right hand that held Chiby.

"Yeeerrrh! My phone don crack ooooh!"
Re: Na Man You Be by swiz123(m): 11:16am On Jul 12, 2017
Wow!expecting more updates
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 11:24am On Jul 12, 2017
swiz123:
Wow!expecting more updates

Coming soon! My ba3 is down
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 12:14am On Jul 13, 2017
"Ola make we go smoke egboh!" Ade and Ola sat under the mango tree where Ola's mum sold Agbo the jedi version and so many other versions.

Just then Iya Funke Ola's mum entered.

"Kileso? Smoke kini?" she said.

"Mami kosi kan kan!"

"Mami na Agbo i wan drink, i no wan smoke anything" Ola said.

"You want Agbo, eheen i go mix am for you na" Like Agbo was food.

Taking Iya Funke's Agbo twice a week was indeed an elixir. People from far and wide trooped in to have a taste of her Soldier root, Monkey tail, Igbohgana, Okpeyin in the era where all these could be mixed with Alcohol and make one high. But as a result of the death of some "nonsense" Ogogoro drinkers in Rivers State, the government banned mixing herbal drugs with alcohol.

Talking of death caused by Agbo, Nnamdi was almost a victim sometime ago.

"Iya Funke abeg nak me Soja root make i drink, i dey get waist pain" Nnamdi and Ogbonta hung out at Iya Funke's.

"How many shot i go give you?" Iya Funke asked.

"Just give me two shot first, make i start with that one for now" Nnamdi said, "and give my man Ogbo baba two shot make him use step down"

"Thank you jor, but i want mix my own with Coke ooh!"

"Coke wetin? You wan die abi" Nnamdi returned.

"Who tell you say you go die? Nahim go make am work pass na"

Soldier root and Coke was the perfect blend that made Nnamdi ran about 3,000 metres marathon to and fro Ogologo street and Timaya street landing himself in police station; making him control traffic as a voluteer for Ogologo street.

Ogologo street is adjacent Timaya street isn't it why Timaya's song was titled "Ogolologo". Legend has it that singer Timaya stayed in present day Timaya street and when startdom beckoned the street was named after him and he left the street.

On your mark...... Set.......... Go

Our Nnamdi was racing.

From police station to psychiatric home was Nnamdi's fate. All these was all thanks to Ogbo Baba.

Legend has it that a typical Ikwerre boy is either wayward or a vagabon or both. Smoking, womanizing, and wait for it, kissing.

Ogbonta can kiss for Africa........

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