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Na Man You Be - Literature (5) - Nairaland

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Re: Na Man You Be by prisiliveth: 10:44pm On Jul 17, 2017
Na man u be,baba flow!!!
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 10:50pm On Jul 17, 2017
prisiliveth:
Na man u be,baba flow!!!

Na man we all be!
Re: Na Man You Be by cyber5(m): 11:01pm On Jul 17, 2017
Flow
Flow
Flow



Tupaliko C.E.O





I dey flow with you jare

You remember when you dey help that girl shey na linda for man wey dey reason repair socket, you come see G-string dey compare am with catapult.


Lol


She ask you wetin u dey call catapult, you reply say na the name of the socket wey u wan buy.



Thanks to you i never forget the name ' Wetsoul ' i still do am this afternoon


lol

1 Like

Re: Na Man You Be by kelvinhilton(m): 11:06pm On Jul 17, 2017
This update gat me cracking my balls... grin
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 11:42pm On Jul 17, 2017
cyber5:
Flow
Flow
Flow



Tupaliko C.E.O





I dey flow with you jare

You remember when you dey help that girl shey na linda for man wey dey reason repair socket, you come see G-string dey compare am with catapult.


Lol


She ask you wetin u dey call catapult, you reply say na the name of the socket wey u wan buy.



Thanks to you i never forget the name ' Wetsoul ' i still do am this afternoon


lol


grin cool winkOften times when i am less busy, i go back to read my stories, even me that wrote them, they crack me up.

1 Like

Re: Na Man You Be by cyber5(m): 12:06am On Jul 18, 2017
flow1759:



grin cool winkOften times when i am less busy, i go back to read my stories, even me that wrote them, they crack me up.



lol




you're the best jare for these kinda stories
Re: Na Man You Be by kayspark27(m): 5:27am On Jul 18, 2017
queenitee:

Hihihi, menstrual flow no be the whole month o, na just 3-5 days

Naso Flow deh FLOW so na,Oga Flow abeg flow like river for US
Re: Na Man You Be by queenitee(f): 8:45am On Jul 18, 2017
Half baked policeman, lol.
Re: Na Man You Be by DrClemzzY(m): 9:52am On Jul 18, 2017
queenitee:
Half baked policeman, lol.
queen, i think say na only Evajael story wey u b shareholder o
Re: Na Man You Be by queenitee(f): 10:34am On Jul 18, 2017
DrClemzzY:

queen, i think say na only Evajael story wey u b shareholder o
No o, na every tori o
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 5:59pm On Jul 18, 2017
"Ola you dey smell s'hit s'hit oooh!" The police pick up moved with all kidnappers handcuffed behind manned by two armed policemen.





"So where do you want to stay now that your business is packed up?" Now Flo was at his Uncles place at Bori cantonment Port Harcourt.

"Uncle Dave i was thinking if i can stay with you!" Flo made known his intentions after narrating his ordeals - he skillfully lied.

His Uncle Dave was silent for seconds eyeballing his wife who eyeballed him back signifying a go.

"Well Uche you and your friend can stay for today until me and my wife give you feedback after our discussions tomorrow!" That sounded like a political promise to Flo.

"Okay sir! Thank you sir! We will maintain good behaviour throughout our stay here!" Flo was sure it meant a Yes.

"Come lemme take you and your friend to your room!" Damiana Uncle Daves wife offered.


"Nas this room fine oooh!" Flo commended.

"Oga Flo this your uncle wife fine ooh!" Nas commended too.

"Eeeehn! Nas! Nas!! Nas!! How many times i call you?"

"Oga Flo! Oga Flo! Oga Flo! How many times i call you?"

"Nas i dey wan you ooh! That my uncle na RSM of this barracks! You see eeehn if you no wan sleep for guardroom comot your eyes for that him wife and for those him children! I dey wan you ooh!" Flo warned.

A warning Nas did not heed.


"Oga Flo this your uncle get plenty girls ooh, six girls!"

"Naso na! This my uncle na Tu baba na!" #No pun intended, respect to Tuface Idibia#

"Eheen! You mean am?"

"Yes na! Him born all this pikin from different women! Three different women!" Flo said.

"Mehn! And them him daughters na fine babes ooh!" Nas confessed.



"But Oga Flo..............."

"Heeeeeeeh! Nas i don tell you no dey call me Flo for this house wey we come so, my name is Uchenna! Uche for short!" Flo informed.

"Okay Uche! Oga Uche!" Nas corrected.

"No Oga! Just Uche!"

"Okay Uche you been tell me say e get wetin you go tell me about why we close shop run leave Rumuigbo"

"Eheeen! Cooohooo!" Flo coughed, "the thing wey i wan tell you be say police don arrest them Ogbo baba!

"Eheeen! How na?" Nas mouth was ajar.

"That police siren wey dey blow that time wey motor carry us dey comot from Rumuigbo na for our house e dey go!" Flo said, "e dey go arrest all of them"

"But how na? Who tell them the police say Dornu wey them napkin dey there?" Nas asked.

"Napkin?" Flo wasn't surprised.

"Sorry, Kidnap!" Nas corrected himself.

Flo took a deep breath and said; "Na me!"

"You! Why?" Nas was shocked, "why will you dideth such a thing?"

"Why won't i dideth such a thing? You no know say dem wan cheat me?"

"How? How cheateth thou?" Nas was grammatical.

"See, the chicken lap wey i help them hire, them no give me complete money"

"Even at that?"

"Them think say i cheat them for the price to hire the chicken lap"

"Oga Flo! Sorry, Uche thats not enough reason to cheat on them and betrayeth them na!" Nas spoke King James version of English language.

"Guy why you dey talk like this? You no wan rich? See that girl Dornu promise me 500k if i go tell him papa where dem keep him daughter"

"But oga thats not a goodeth reason to betrayeth you bestest friends" Maybe Okro soup and Hollandia yoghurt - what Nas had for breakfast that morning changes one's tongue to King James, our maybe not.

"Apart from the 500k she give me fresh Kpomoh chop join sef" Flo informed Nas.

"Oga!" Nas tapped his boss on his shoulder, "so na ordinary Kpomoh 50 Naira make you deny your friend? You bad pass Judas and Carrot for bible ooh!"

"Hahaha! Nas! Which one be Judas and Carrot again na?" Flo laughed out loud.

"You no know say Judas for Bible get one company wey dey sell carrot before him com become disciple of Jesus?" Shocking revelation.

"Hahahaha!" Flo continued laughing.

"Oooooh God! Stop to dey laugh and tell me which Kpomo Dornu give you, na Cow skin abi na Goat skin?"

"Hahahahahahaha!"







"Who is Adewale Ayuba?" #Respect to Mr. Johnson#

"a.k.a the King maker, thats me!" Ade answered.

"Okay constable you will take him to cell 3" One police officer professed.

"Who is Ogbonta Chinwo?"

"It is me!" Ogbonta answered with a frown.

"You will be in cell 2"

"Who is Nnamdi Kalu?" #Respect# #One Nigeria# #Nigeria must better# #Splitting won't solve the problem#

"O wu mua!" Nnamdi answered.

"You will be in cell 3" The police officer said.

The police officer smiled for some seconds before announcing Ola's hotel room number.

"Why this wan dey laugh?" Ola wondered.

"Who is Olaniyi Olanipekun?"

"Emi ni!"

"You will be in cell 2!"

1 Like 1 Share

Re: Na Man You Be by Emzyme(m): 6:26pm On Jul 18, 2017
NYC update
Re: Na Man You Be by Streetmade(m): 9:23pm On Jul 18, 2017
Chai ola go chop cain 4 cell 2 oh
Re: Na Man You Be by jerrythafinisher(m): 9:57pm On Jul 18, 2017
flow baba.. I dey feel this tory o
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 1:06pm On Jul 19, 2017
"My friend continue your frog jump!" The 2IC yelled at Ola.

"I go do am ooh! I go do am!" Ola was sweating profusely.

"2IC no be frog jump him dey do here ooh, na mess jump!" One cell mate by the name Dipo said.

"Eeheen! So you get mind dey mess abi?" 2IC questioned.

"2IC him don mess sotey him trouser don tear!" Another cell mate Kelly informed.

"As you no gree pay for your entrance money, naso you go dey do frog jump every day until you pay"

"But i no be frog na!" Ola mumured.

"See you! You no be frog? Your eye be like frog eye sef" Ola's eye was growing bigger all thanks to spoilt rice the eye fertilizer.

All the food brought by Ogbonta's coke studio sales person Timo to serve Ogbonta and Ola was always spoilt and the other day the cell commander peed on their rice. Jollof rice and urine was tasty to hungry Ola; maybe that was the fertilizer that grew his eyes bigger. Or so i thought.



"Ogbonta you go help me pay my entrance money ooh, as my people don abandon me here" Ola for the first time called Ogbonta by his first name - Ogbonta had warned Ola to desist from calling him Ogbo baba save the commander and his 2IC asked him to do frog jump for bearing "baba".

Flashback...

"Baba of where sef?" The commander had on Ogbonta's first day in cell gave him a resounding dirty slap; an echoey dirty slap rather for the suffix "Baba".

"I........ I......... I........ Say........ Say.......... Say........ Baba of where?" The echoe was morbid; like Ogbonta was diabetic at that moment; his tongue tasted sugar.

"Him be baba for the boys! Baba for the boys!" Ola almost sang out Umoh's favourite song.

"I be baba..........." Ogbonta lost his voice.

"Baba for where?" 2IC yelled.

"Baba for............ Babalawo..... Baba for lawo"






"I go help you pay the entrance money! I don already tell Timo say make him bring 1k if him dey bring food come tomorrow!"

"You be correct! That is why you be my guy!"






"King maker! King maker!" Ade's cell mate hailed

"Thats my name! I am Ade the king maker!"

"See eehn! I go do ehhen, this my cousin Nnamdi go s'hit 50 naira note" He promise.

"Eheerrn! Do it and i will give you one thousand naira" The cell commander promised.

"Okay! Nnamdi comot your boxers and s'hit the money" Ade said after incanting in Yoruba.

"See this one n'yash! E be like lizard skin!" Niyi one funny character in cell 3 laughed.

"You dey mad, na your n'yash be like lizard skin!" Nnamdi cursed.

Out of the lizard skin came a clean 50 Naira note.

"Come and see America wonder!" The 2IC's mouth was ajar.

Ade's cell was indeed an atmosphere of not just signs and wonders but of miracles.The other day everyone in the cell touched Nnamdi b'alls to confirm it was two, but on Ade's incantation Nnamdi lost one ball.

"How e take happen?" The 2IC was surprised.

The more they looked the less they saw. Ade's Abrakadabra was really working on his cell mates and it earned he and Nnamdi not just respect but money and food - more nutricious food.





"Uncle Uche i have finished eating come and pack the plates" Deborah said to Flo.

"Falling hand! Oga Flo so you wan pack this small girl plate wey she take chop?" Nas was disgusted.

Flo knew what he was after.

1 Like

Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 1:06pm On Jul 19, 2017
jerrythafinisher:
flow baba.. I dey feel this tory o

Thank you
Re: Na Man You Be by Kimkardashain(f): 1:50pm On Jul 19, 2017
hahahaha make una release ola oh.
Re: Na Man You Be by queenitee(f): 4:35pm On Jul 19, 2017
Kimkardashain:
hahahaha make una release ola oh.
Let him stay there small jhor
Re: Na Man You Be by kelvinhilton(m): 8:08pm On Jul 19, 2017
Ola will come out from that prison to become the new Evans.. grin
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 9:50pm On Jul 20, 2017
"Uncle Uche help me get my u'ndies in my room!" Chika spoke from the bathroom.

"Okay! I will get it right away!" Flo responded from the living room where and Nas was watching TV.

"Uche abeg wetin be underest wey this girl dey always tell you make you bring for her room, and when you enter the room you no dey come out again"

"Un'dies na................. Na................na ........ Na
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 9:52pm On Jul 20, 2017
Now that short update was intentional not a mistake
Re: Na Man You Be by Ericjohnsonjnr(m): 10:13pm On Jul 20, 2017
Oga flow leave ola oooo
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 11:03pm On Jul 20, 2017
"I go tell them say i go chop this razor blade and if i slap your head plenty razor blade go dey comot for your mouth"

"See as we go do am, ....................." Ade whispered gibberish to his friend's ear as they peed in the toilet alone. Or so i thought.


Meanwhile.......

"So naso you dey roll your own dice? You no even sabi play game, i go just win you rasa rasa" Ola tossed his first dice.

"Ola play game! You too dey talk! Wetin be rasa rasa? Focus and win dis game" Ogbonta said to Ola.

"Wait make i stand up so i go play well win dis Dipo wey think say him sabi play" Dipo vs Ola could be likened to Brazil vs Argentina in football.

"I notice say anytime wey Ola stand up com dey shake him n'yash him go win the game!" Kelly noticed Ola was Ukwulicious.

"Wetin carry your eyes go my n'yash? Abi you be gay? I dey warn you Kelly ooh! Every time you go dey look my n'yash, if extra hole enter my n'yash ehhhn, i go know say na you put am.

"Eeeeeheeen! Lost son no talk that thing here! Nobody for this cell be gay, we no dey put hole for n'yash you hear?" True to the commander's word, there was no gay present in cell 2. Just one lost son and no gay.

But in cell 3 there was James. Mavin "gay" James.

"Ade you be fine boy! You shouldn't be doing all this magic you are doing" James kissed the back of Ade's neck.

"How e go be na! If you wan make me and you do this thing you need to show working oooh" Ade turned to see the one that was wooing him while he peed in the toilet.

James really showed not just working but he derived equations.

"Okay i go dey give you 5k per sugar baby" James returned.

"Sugar cane? Wetin be sugar cane?"
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 11:23pm On Jul 20, 2017
"U'ndies na type of exercise, anytime wey this Chika baf finish she dey like to do exercise, so na me be her exercise master" Flo said, "na why i no dey come out early, you no see say i dey always sweat come out of her room?"

"You know why i like you Uche?" Nas said.

"Why?"

"Na becuase you like to dey lie!" Nas continued.

"Uncle Uche!" Doris called from her room, "come and help me with my TV remote!"

"Hahaha! This girl funny ooh! She no even get Television for her room she dey talk of remote" Nas laghed.

"You don't even know modern technology! You dont know that without TV you can watch TV!" What kind of TV is the question.

Flo had TV and Underest to attend to at the same time.
Re: Na Man You Be by EmpresFIDEL(f): 6:46am On Jul 21, 2017
OMG Nas is a crazy dude.... he cannot even understand anything . flow tanks for d update oh
Re: Na Man You Be by Kingstone32(m): 12:52pm On Jul 21, 2017
Nas funny o
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 3:22pm On Jul 21, 2017
July 1st 2015 saw Flo washing Deborah's, Chika's and Chinonye's clothes and un'dies.

"Uche wetin you dey do so?" Nas was astonished on seeing un'dies lying amongst the clothes he washed

"Wetin e look like say i dey do?" Flo responded, "i dey watch ball, champions league!! You wan know the scores"

"Flo so e don reach you like this?" Nas cried out, "to dey wash p'ant for this small girls"

"Guy wetin i dey do no cencern you!" He hide the un'dies, "ehen you say e get wetin you wan tell me, wetin be that?

"Guy wetin i wan tell you be say this your uncle wife dey temptation me ooh" He sat at the pavement beside Flo.

"Temptation you how?" Flo stopped washing abruptly.

"She want make i lick her Mango or else i go leave this house"

"Lick her mango? So she buy mango give you, you no gree lick? Why? Shey na ripe mango?" Flo was surprised.

"Make i lick her mango, shey i be licky-licky?" Nas returned, "i no mean that kin mango ooh, i mean the other mango"

"Eeeeeehe! Nas!" Flo yelled out.

"No dey shout!" Nas responded, "i never lick the mango na"

Just then Ten years old Nicole the last child of the house walked in with her notebook and pen.

"And who is licking who's mango?" She said.

"Lick? Me? I no lick ooh! She just told me to lick and i no lick ooh!" Nas confessed unknowingly..

"Who?" Nicole asked.

"Your Mother na, she....................." Flo covered Nas's mouth.

"So you guys just go about licking mummy's mango abi, i will tell her!"

"No ooh! Us did not lick oh!"

"If you like let Horse lick or let Cow lick, thats not why i am here, i am here because of my assignment!"

Mare hearing the word assignment, Flo's mind skipped. He recalled Nicole telling him one afternoon to spell hypothesis, and he spelt Hypotessy. He recalled multiplying 47 by 12 and deriving 14. He recalled the past tense of feed as fish.

"Nas help her do her assignment!" Flo cried with a loud voice.

"Uche! Na you brilliant pass me ooh, help her do the assignment" Nas also cried.

"Nas i did not finish secondary school, i stopped at primary 4" Flo the graduate of Industrial Chemistry said.

"I want brother Nas to help me with this assignment because i don't want the past tense of feed to be fish" Nicole made her choice. A perfect choice to her.

"Okay go ahead read the assignment!" Nas was crying deep down.

"Big is to small as Elephant is to what?"

"Elephant is to.........." Nas was thinking.

"Elephant is to Ele" He answered, "the small children of Elephant is Ele"

"Okay" Nicole had written the answer down, "i have written that one down, this is another question, it is maths; if Ade is 14 years old and his father is 45 years old, how old was Ade when his father was 35 years?"

"Ade!...............father?.................. Ade.......... Father!......." Like the answer to the question was in the nomenclature.

After solving gibberish on the sheet of paper Nicole handed to him he said, "That means Ade is older than his father, Ade senior him papa with 14 years"

"Yes that is the correct answer" Beans and vegetable had turned Flo into a piece of vegetable education-wise.

Educated by the streets.

"Ola you dey lose this game ooh!" Ogbonta said the obvious

"I know! But na man i be!"

"Na man you be abi?" Dipo responded, "me na woman i be? I go win you scara!"

"Who is Olaniyi Olanipekun!" One of the jailers announced.

"Na man you be! Na man you be! Na man you be!!" Ola's prison mates hailed him like he was headed to be crowned Mr. Nigeria.

"Na me sir!" Ola responded, "na man i be!"

"Your sister wants to see you in the waiting room!"

"Me? Sister? I get sister?"

1 Like

Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 3:27pm On Jul 21, 2017
EmpresFIDEL:
OMG Nas is a crazy dude.... he cannot even understand anything . flow tanks for d update oh

Thank you for reading
Re: Na Man You Be by dhesire(m): 6:00pm On Jul 21, 2017
You are Flo-wing.
Good work!
Re: Na Man You Be by jerrythafinisher(m): 8:44pm On Jul 21, 2017
Nice update.. pls give us some more
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 10:41pm On Jul 21, 2017
"Boda Ola mami is very sick, they say she have council!"

"Council? Wetin be council?" Ola was shocked; he thought his mum now owns a council.

"Council na! The doctor say she get council na!" Funke repeated.

"Okay! Cancer! Mama get cancer?" Ola's jaw dropped, "How? When? Who give am?"

"Boda i no know who give her oh!" Funke answered.




"Ola na me and you go chop that Amala wey your sister bring come ooh" Ogbonta booked.

After munching the plate of Amala with Ogbonta, Ola said, "my mama go soon die! She get b'reast cancer"

"What! How na?"

"She go soon die, my sister say na only 5 weeks she get to survive" Ola's eyes was clouded; it was about to rain.

"Ahaan! You wan cry? Ola! Na man be ooh!"

"Na man i be! Na man i be!" Ola tried holding back the tears.

"Ola no cry, Iya Funke no go die!" Ogbonta tapped Ola at the back.

"I don give Fu-fu all the money wey i don win for chakachaka since wey we come this prison" Ola murmured.

Fu-fu is no one else but Funke. Truth is she looks like Fufu the swallow when she makes up, she smells like it when she puts on her Ologbo perfume made in Mokola Ibadan.

Chakachaka is the prison pet-name for gambling. Soon Ola was the king of chakachaka in his cell.

"How much you give Fu-fu?" Ogbonta asked.

"I give her 15k! The 15k wey i give them this warders make them keep for me!"

"Nonesense! Na 15k go cure cancer?"

"But na wetin i get na!"




"Nnamdi help me ooh! Them go kill me oooh! The other cell mates was beating the living day light of Ade.
Re: Na Man You Be by babasolo(m): 11:09pm On Jul 21, 2017
flow1759:



grin cool winkOften times when i am less busy, i go back to read my stories, even me that wrote them, they crack me up.


you too much ma oga....i still remember Psquare... Pawpaw...

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