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Na Man You Be - Literature (3) - Nairaland

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A Tribute To Buchi Emecheta; N'odu Na Ndokwa. / Ufodu Ihe Ndi Igbo Ji Esi Nri Na Ulo Ha (traditional Cooking Utensils) / No Be Me, Na Baba God (1) (2) (3) (4)

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Re: Na Man You Be by JMK9600(f): 2:26pm On Jul 14, 2017
I have not read this but I know it's going to be bhhaaaaaddddddd. Mr Flow aka udeme aka 1759. Welcome after the long break. Flowing you bumper to bumper.
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 2:57pm On Jul 14, 2017
JMK9600:
I have not read this but I know it's going to be bhhaaaaaddddddd. Mr Flow aka udeme aka 1759. Welcome after the long break. Flowing you bumper to bumper.

Make we follow ourselves bumper to bumper
Re: Na Man You Be by Therock5555(m): 2:57pm On Jul 14, 2017
swiz123:
the rock wey no get muscle grin...where u con go since na...just like d poster above me, I joined nairaland because of you and flow1759,when your stories was perhaps plagiarized by a facebook page 'amebo gist'. Both of of have almost the same style of writing,like describing a fight scene,pesin must crack his rib
omor i dey lowkey ooo, i just dey observe
Re: Na Man You Be by Therock5555(m): 2:59pm On Jul 14, 2017
boffinjay:
lolz;Dabeg cum shack us wit funny story jare.
no phone now biko, u gats bear with me
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 3:15pm On Jul 14, 2017
Countrygirl:
so zero hate zero .....is actually your number.

I've never read any of your stories, will definitely follow this

You want it? You can have it!
Re: Na Man You Be by boffinjay(m): 3:27pm On Jul 14, 2017
Therock5555:
no phone now biko, u gats bear with me
ok.we don hear.till then
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 5:01pm On Jul 14, 2017
"Guy Ola na our man ooh, make we no just leave am like that, him fit die there ooh" Like he was not already dead.

"Guy na one slap dem slap Ola nahim him die ooh" Nnamdi had always wanted Ola dead.

"Him never die, him go come back house" Ogbonta assured, "but my land! My land no go come back, Ali ndam!"

"Guy but you sure say na Dornu do you this thing?" Nnamdi said as they drove pass the Obiri Ikwerre bridge heading to Rumuigbo.

"Yes na! I dey sure! My guy wey dey stay close to that my land tell me say him see her when she dey sell the land to one big man"

"Women are wicked ooh! That girl? But her papa rich na, wetin she wan do with the money wey she get as she sell your land, wetin?"

"Mehn i no know oh, abi she wan just wicked me"

Silent for a while Nnamdi said, "But guy ooh i get one plan ooh, i no know whether you go like am ooh"

"Wetin be the plan..............?"




Meanwhile, purewater was poured on Ola to regain consciousness and stop his Epilepsis.

"Who you be?" One of the soldiers asked recovering Ola.

"Me? I be, i beeee........ I beeeeeee..."

"You be who?" Another of the soldiers yelled.

"I be Daughter of Zion" Ola murmured.

"You be wetin??" Another soldier yelled.

"I be Daughter of God" One slap and Ola was instantly transgendered.

"Daughter of God! Na your name be that?"

"Yes! Na my name" Ola had left planet earth.

"Okay, Daughter of God wetin bring you here?"

"God! Na God bring me here"

"God? Who be God?" A nonesense question.

"God na! God of Rumuigbo na, you no know am?" Ola was "jelly-fishing"

After about 30 minutes of asking stupid questions and getting f'oolish answers. "Abeg leave this m'umu make him dey go, spit don dey comot for him mouth, na die him dey so oooh!" One of the soldier suggested.

One of the soldiers - the slapping minister dragged Ola up yelling, "My friend if i see you near this place again i go change your name from Daughter of God to Woman of God"

"Yes ma! Yes ma! Yes ma!" Ola repeated.

Our Ola had turned genderology (if there is a word like that) converting everything male to female.

"Oya dey go!" Slapping minister pushed Ola.

"God! I no dey see well again, i don blind, my n'yash dey hot, catar dey catch me, i won piss, s'hit dey catch me, my body dey hot, my belle dey turn, my body dey shake, e be like say i get high blood pressure, yeeeh! Where road?" Ola creep-walked to the bus-stop.

"Olaniyi na man you be! Be strong!" He encouraged himself

Standing at the bus stop Ola was floating and bubbling, his phone rang.

"What is calling me?" Ola now a Living-to-nonliving-thing-ology.

"Whatin be this?" He asked his phone.

He managed to pick the call, "Hello! What am i talking to?............................. Ade na you?" Ade's voice on phone strengthened Ola.

".......................... You say wetin? The game wey i play enter..........Ehhn, You sure?.............. So i don chop 50k!" Ola's eyes cleared instantly, he was healed, the good news healed him.

"I don chop 50k ooooh!" He shouted.

2 Likes

Re: Na Man You Be by tojahh(m): 5:48pm On Jul 14, 2017
G
Re: Na Man You Be by EmpresFIDEL(f): 5:56pm On Jul 14, 2017
lolzz
Re: Na Man You Be by boffinjay(m): 6:58pm On Jul 14, 2017
lolz.always funny.tnx 4 d update
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 8:33pm On Jul 14, 2017
boffinjay:
lolz.always funny.tnx 4 d update

Thanks for reading
Re: Na Man You Be by boffinjay(m): 9:46pm On Jul 14, 2017
flow1759:

Thanks for reading
tz a pleasuqe bro.
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 9:51pm On Jul 14, 2017
"The plan be say make we kidnap Dornu" The boys sat at Umoh's drinking.

Silence for a while.

"But Nnamdi how we go do am na" Ade was present.

Nnamdi took a gulp of the bottle of palm wine in front of him before narrating how the plan was to unfold; his plan.

"Ade you know say you and Effiong that dem Dornu gateman na friend!"

"Ehen! Effiong na my guy for school of disciple na, two of us na disciples na"

"Okay, if you go school of disciple on Saturday morning, you go give am that your laptop make him charge am for you for their house, you know say them dey get light steady" Nnamdi continued, "so when you wan go collect your laptop back in the afternoon na only Dornu and Effiong go dey house you know say her parents na sabath them be, dem go don go church and she no dey follow them go their church, she go dey house, so you go use daga threaten Effiong make him go show you where Dornu room dey"

"So na only me go kidnap her?" Ade the king maker.

"Ade wait na! Wait make him explain finish" Ogbonta cautioned.

"How e go be only you? We go park Ogbo baba Kpof Kpof near bush and all of us go enter 3 minutes after you enter" Nnamdi said, "so we go carry the girl enter Ogbo baba Kpof Kpof drive her go Flo house, you know say him house dey for bush, nobody go know say na there we carry her go.

"E make sense! But you know say we need to cover our face so the girl no go know say na us!" Ogbonta suggested.

"Forget that thing jor, we no need to cover our face, when she dey sell your land shey she cover her face?" Nnamdi reminded.

"But we need tasty fried chicken for this mission ooh!" Ade suggested.

"Ade oju kokoro ni e! You too like food! Wetin concern chicken and this mission wey una wan go so!" Ola spoke for the first time.

"You be jonzing boy oooh! You no know say chicken na gun, and tasty fried chicken na stainless gun?" Ade educated Ola his Yoruba brother.

"So where una go get tasty fried chicken na?" Ola was exempted himself from the mission.

"You dey mad ooh! Instead of you to say where we go see tasty chicken lap, you dey say where una go get tasty fried chicken, who be una? Abi you no wan follow us go?" Ogbonta attacked.

"Okay where we go see chicken buy?" Ola wished he could excuse himself from the mission.

"We no go buy, we go hire"

"Flo! Flo go fit help us hire chicken, better one!" Nnamdi said.

"I go reason am the thing this evening!" Ogbonta could see Flo in his shop attending to customers from where he sat at Umoh's

"But how much we go ask Dornu papa to pay us before we go release him daughter?" Igbo man Nnamdi asked.

"Hmmmm, make we ask for 500k!" Ogbonta suggested.

"500k too small ooh! Make we ask for 1.5 million Naira you know say him papa na former house of rep member, him go fit afford 1.5 million" Nnamdi countered.

"Na true ooh, and we go fit share the money, e go reach all of us wella!" Ola spoke out.

"So how we go take share the money when e come?" A typical igbo man would always ask such question.

"Enadi!! We never see money you don dey ask how we go take share am! Omo ibo buru! Omo ibo ya were!" Ola cursed.

"Same to you, i wish you the same!" Nnamdi returned, "abeg tell them make them give me another plate of 404 and one bottle of pammy"

"Ola abeg make the 404 and pammy go round jor! Today na your bieday and you win 50k for school of disciple yesterday"

"Na true ooh today na him bieday ooh! Make we sing am bieday song na"

"Happy bieday to you...............Happy bieday to you................. Happy bieday to..................."

Palm wine rained on Ola who turned 30.

1 Like

Re: Na Man You Be by EmpresFIDEL(f): 10:26pm On Jul 14, 2017
hahaha I pity their kidnapping mission
Re: Na Man You Be by Streetmade(m): 10:40pm On Jul 14, 2017
Lwkm,flow na man u be jare
Re: Na Man You Be by kayspark27(m): 11:31pm On Jul 14, 2017
oga flow welcum back buh u failed to mention me o. tank God I saw it on fp.
Re: Na Man You Be by boffinjay(m): 12:13am On Jul 15, 2017
wow!!!great.
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 6:40am On Jul 15, 2017
kayspark27:
oga flow welcum back
buh u failed to mention me o.
tank God I saw it on fp.

Na man you be

1 Like

Re: Na Man You Be by yellow237(m): 9:50am On Jul 15, 2017
chaaaaiiii!!! flow abeg gimme ur address u deserve two medals one for this ur story the second one is incase u lost the first one
Re: Na Man You Be by ChuksManny: 10:33am On Jul 15, 2017
Nice one��
Re: Na Man You Be by Ericjohnsonjnr(m): 10:56am On Jul 15, 2017
School of discipline ...I could remember my own....na die I dey
Re: Na Man You Be by Firstgentleman1(m): 11:48am On Jul 15, 2017
And the legend is back. We missed you sir. Let's crack some ribs
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 12:46pm On Jul 15, 2017
The day came for the plan to be executed.

"Guy help me charge this my phone abeg!" Ade handed over his Kpalasa to Effiong.

"But we no On Gen ooh" Effiong returned, "Our Gen don spoil"

"But just still help me charge am if una repair the Gen" Ade said.

"We no go repair the Gen today, dem my people no dey house, them travel!" Effiong informed Ade.

Heart attack!

"You say wetin?" Ade inquired, "Them tra..... Wetin?"

"Them travel na, them travel since last week na, them travel go South Afica, them dey come back next tomorrow"

"Yawa!"

"Dornu follow them travel?" Ade's heart skipped.

"No ooh! She no follow them go, she dey house" Ade's breath returned.


"Just help me charge am for una place, incase light come" Ade stammerred.

"But na the same light wey we dey use una dey use na" Effiong reminded Ade.

"No na them useless NEPA people don cut our light"


17:59 was the time to strike holding that Dornu's parent were out of town.

"Knock! Knock! Knock!!" Ade knocked at the gate.

"Who be that wey no sabi knock!" Effiong jumped up from where he was lying down.

"Na me! Na your man SOD Ade the king maker!"
Re: Na Man You Be by Galacious1: 12:47pm On Jul 15, 2017
Big ups Flow1759
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 2:31pm On Jul 15, 2017
Galacious1:
Big ups Flow1759

Big ups to you too.
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 3:55pm On Jul 15, 2017
"Who be rat? Who be rat!" Effiong unbolted the gate.

"Na your papa be rat!" Ade needed to frown and not joke. He needed to be James Adewale Bond even though he was fidgety and had developed cold sweat.

"Eeeeh! SOD Ade my man!" Effiong extended his hand for a handshake.

"Who you dey hail? My friend will you lie down" Ade's gun was pointing directly at Effiong's trailer-pack Nose as he entered.

"Yeeh! Sorry! King maker na me ooh! Na your man Effiong ooh" Effiong reminded Ade.

Rule number one in SOD says: Never you trust your fellow disciple with your betslip, never!

"Trust me na, i dey carry you go her room, i no dey carry you go the wrong room" Effiong was sweating profusely.

"Me? trust you! You wey i give my scholarship paper make you hold for me, and when the game enter you com dey tell me say you no know where the scholarship paper dey" Ade reminded Effiong, "And that day i win 15k ooh! Guy you wicked! You think say Ola no tell me say you tell am say you win 15k for SOD?"

"No vex! No be my faulty, na hungry cause am"

"My friend shut your crap and move!" The Chicken lap did more of the talking for Ade as Effiong was moving the direction of the gun.

"I go move ooh! I go move!"

"Taeawai!" Ade slapped Effiong hard on his head, "you get mind ooh! I dey here you dey mess abi?"

"Sorry sa! I no go messing again!"



Meanwhile, "lets move in, its time!" Ogbonta signaled.

"This thing wey we wan do so, e no good ooh! I no wan follow una! I no well ooh!" Ola lagged beyind.

Funke Ola's sister had narrated her bad dream to Ola the previous morning; telling him she saw he and his friends crying in the bush and that Ola cried most. That Ola's tears caused flood in the bush chasing all the animals from their homes.

"Ode! That tears wey you see na tears of joy, me wey go soon hammer" Ola assured her.


"Move in! Move in!" Ogbonta beaconed.

"Ola move fast na" Nnamdi stepped on Ola.

"I no well! I don tell una say i no well!"


To Ade.

"na her room be this!" Ade yelled loudly, "oya knocked!"

"Pooookpo!" Effiong knocked.

"Who is there?" Ade heard the shower stopped running.

"Na me Effiong ooh!" Effiong replied.

"Effiong my love! Come in and lets have sweet s'ex!!'

"Effiong! Sweet s'ex?" Ade was shocked, "so you dey waya your madam?"

Effiong nodded slightly and Ade was painting pictures of Dornu' curve already.He saw her n'.aked portrait hung on the door frame in his mind's eyes. His volcano had no choice but to erupt.

"Ade your p'rick don stand ooh!" Effiong noticed.

"My p'rick? Stand? Who tell you that one? Naso e dey jor?" Ade said, "My friend open this door?"

The door was opened within split seconds and within split seconds also Ade noticed Dornu stood n'aked from head to toe standing opposite the door.

The curves, the two water melons, the Coca cola sharp shape and the Bamuda triangle.

"King maker? What are you doing with a gun?" Dornu forgot she was n'aked

"I........... I.......... I......... I am with a gun?" Ade was lost, he had longed for the day he could see Dornu his crush n'akedness.

Just then the rest guys stormed in in this order; Ola, Nnamdi then Ogbonta.

"Ogbo baba you sure say we go continue with this kidnapping" Ola was drowning in the Bamuda triangle he was seeing.

1 Like

Re: Na Man You Be by yellow237(m): 4:09pm On Jul 15, 2017
cheiiiiiii ololololooooo I don laugh throw my money for food, flow u no go kill person,I still dey laugh for Chinese language xchichonnyooxvi only Chinese go understand that one
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 4:18pm On Jul 15, 2017
yellow237:
cheiiiiiii ololololooooo I don laugh throw my money for food, flow u no go kill person,I still dey laugh for Chinese language xchichonnyooxvi only Chinese go understand that one

I understand Chinese you know!

1 Like

Re: Na Man You Be by Streetmade(m): 5:42pm On Jul 15, 2017
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha flow u don kill person wit laughter oh ;DHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha flow u don kill person wit laughter oh
Re: Na Man You Be by Countrygirl(f): 5:44pm On Jul 15, 2017
chai, see drama boys
ride on boss
Re: Na Man You Be by flow1759: 11:27pm On Jul 15, 2017
"My friend! Will you shut up! When you dey sell person land you no know?" Flo fired.

"I am sorry! I am very sorry!" Dornu cried.

"You are sorry abi! Wait make Ogbo baba go buy card put for him phone call your paps nahim you go know say you are sorry" Nas said, "Your paps must pay us our money"

"Nas!" Flo yelled, "which one be paps?"

"Okay! Oga Flo you no know whats up ooh! So you no know say paps naso Jamaican people dey call papa" Nas returned.

"You are a mad man! Will you go and prepare make we dey go work?" Flo cursed, "see your bush farm shoe!"

"Oga this my shoe na Ferragamo ooh"




"Hello! Is this Honorable Bele Burabari!" Ogbo baba was on call, "..............My name is Ogbo baba, i am a kidnappper! I have your daugther!.................. All i need is 2 million Naira and your loving daughter will be back in your loving arms..................... Speak with her"

"Dad! I am dying here! Give them the money plsss!" tears ran down her face.

"................. And honorable if you dear try to play a fast one on me.............. Your daughter will be roasted.................... Before i forgot sir, the longer your daughter stays here, the more number of times she will be raped.................And sir before i forgot also i think you G-wagon is nice" Ogbonta hung up.

"Sweatheart! What did you do with my land?" Ogbonta caressed his ex-girlfriend.

"Don't! Don't! Don't touch me!" Dornu pushed him.

"But Dornu why! Why will you sell my land! Ali ndam!" Ogbonta still came closer for a kiss.

He did kiss her albeit forcefully and said, "you still remain as sweet as ever!"

Dornu slapped him a jaw cracking one. "You bastard! Bloody cheat!"

Ogbonta had been cheating on Dornu with one Akwa Ibomites Ididiong.

Ididiong went extra length to charm Ogbonta from Dornu; preparing Akpankukwo and Edika ikong that could spine head and water mouths.

Ogbonta always dreamt of the Akpankukwo and palm wine Ididiong Umoh's younger sister always bring home for him as a boaster to performing better in bed. Yet he was weak. As weak as mushroom.

"You no fit efen pervom well for bet, you can't fit fiuck oh!" She giggled after sex with Ogbonta on his birthday.

"So all this sweat wey i sweat on top you you no dey feel am abi?"

"I no dey feel am efen half!" Idi said.

"No worry next time i go try perform well!" Ogbonta assured her.

Ogbonta was a complete failure when having sex with Idi; watermelon like she had christened him, but when having sex with Dornu he was King kong; my hero like she always called him. What was the difference? Desire.



"You! You......... You know i love you! I will always love you" Ogbonta had reached o'rgas'm sexing Dornu on the floor in Flo's room.

"Yeeeeh! Oooooh! Shhhh!" It was that time to reach climatic climax.

"Pon! Pon! Kpoon" Someone was at the door.

"Who be that!" Ogbonta waited for a while before he responded to the knock.

"Na me! Na Ade!" He jumped up leaving Dornu na'ked.

"Ade, i dey come make i come open the door"

"Whats up Ade? What of Nnamdi? How una take waka na?" Ogbonta asked.

"Nnamdi dey for Ogbunabali" Ade informed.

"How far una sell the motor?" Ogbonta asked.

"We first go Ogbunabali go meet the man wey Nnamdi call for phone, but the man dey price rubbish price, him dey price the motor 1 million, so i com call one of my church member wey be car dealer" Ade narrated.

"I leta flush the G wagon to the man for 5 milliion Naira" Ade said, "Me and him go bank go see the bank manager, bank manager com transfer all the 5 million Naira from him account enter my current account! I try to call you your number dey switch off na!"

"No mind me jor, as i dey comot for house say make i come here before them Flo go comot for house go their shop, my phone com fall for ground, e no gree on again, see na Flo phone i put my SIM card, even sef this him phone battery no good sef, e dey off-off" Ogbonta narrated

"Okay money don dey now na! You go buy iphone if you like"


"So the 5 million dey your account so?" Ogbonta asked.

"Yes na! E dey my current account!" Ade nodded.

"King maker baba!" Ogbonta hailed.

"Thats me!!"

"What of Ola wey go sell them the Gold necklace?" Only if Ogbonta had known what Ola was facing as he spoke.

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