Welcome, Guest: Register On Nairaland / LOGIN! / Trending / Recent / New
Stats: 3,153,766 members, 7,820,680 topics. Date: Tuesday, 07 May 2024 at 07:25 PM

Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? - Family (2) - Nairaland

Nairaland Forum / Nairaland / General / Family / Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? (30605 Views)

I Just Started A Family! My Wedding Pics / Some Sweet USUALS Every Wife Is Supposed To Be Giving To Her Husband! / Some Sweet USUALS Every Husband Is Supposed To Be Giving To His Wife (2) (3) (4)

(1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) (7) (8) (9) (10) ... (18) (Reply) (Go Down)

Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by debosky(m): 1:48pm On May 03, 2012
@ chaircover

What you are saying in essence is that as long as men pay up, they can abuse women, chase them out on a whim and perpetuate the above culture and do as they please right?

Then why waste your breath condemning those acts since you so tacitly support the thinking that brought them about and help in perpetuating them?


The man proposed to the woman and said please will you marry me; so how exactly did he intend to marry the woman in the first instance?

Clearly the man had the money before circumstances changed. I guess it is now a crime to ask your own spouse to contribute to her own wedding due to unforeseen circumstances.


By the way, my borrowing you the money rather than just giving it to you, is actually doing you a favour. Why? Because I am saving you from your own ego. The ego that will go loopy and go into overdrive the day I decided to cook eba instead of amala and you will turn round and say “ Chinwe its not your fault o! Because you paid for the wedding abi? Any little thing will be “chinwe you are disrespecting me because you bought the suit I wore on my wedding”

Oh I see! And I guess that by paying you back, the man will never find any excuse to find fault with the woman? The magic solution is to simply let him pay for everything, act like you're a piece of property that he's paid for FULLY. As we’ve seen how that has solved all marital disputes in the past.


You guys need to make up your minds . . . seriously. . . . . Like I said, you cant have your cake and eat it.

Again, your solution is to perpetuate the same behaviour that has led to women being treated as chattel. How enlightening!

1 Like

Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by debosky(m): 1:50pm On May 03, 2012
Double post.
Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by TV01(m): 1:50pm On May 03, 2012
Every marriage is unique. In cultural context, maturity, financial capability, expectations and aspirations. So even the notion of a “good marriage” is in a sense relative. Having said that, there are absolutes and principles that can underpin and guide. Especially if based on a well-defined worldview. In as much as we reference our own experience – within marriage – about life in general, we should do so with some points in mind;

1. The individual uniqueness mentioned,
2. That our own marriages/situations – however good - are not the benchmarks, and;
3. (IMHO) we should counsel aspirationally, i.e. with regard to “the ideal” (whatever “worldview”) informs that ideal.


My Worldview;
Marriage is meant to be mutually satisfying, sacrificial union. There is a ”wholesome unclothedness”, which one can read as trust and transparency. And a union where everything is pooled and no debilitating notion of “his or hers”. A shared, freely agreed and jointly pursued vision. And yes, there are roles and responsibilities and feel free to see the man as the “main provider” and Head.

My Experience;
When I decided I wanted to wife this woman, I opened up. I shared my hopes for the future and in particular, how I thought we should utilise the little funds I had. Wifey was wary at first, but soon got it and then got on board. Today nothing’s changed a lá banking arrangements, but we both know exactly what we have and where it is. How much comes in and how we are going to utilise it. And regularly review and discuss our financial affairs. Yes it’s probably easier in this regard – especially for the woman to get on board - if the man has and earns more, but situations change. Don’t lose sight of the absolutes and the aspiration.

My View on this case;
I can’t help but wonder, if there was a test prior to marriage, how would you fare?
You willingly cede the financial burden onto your HTB, regardless of his or your means?
You actually have money and you did not offer to pool, make a contribution or even ask that HTB lets you know if you can contribute in any way?
You both consider it your money? But HTB is blind to how much you have or how you utilise it? And you believe you have the right to do that unilaterally?
You have no qualms about your HTB taking out a loan to fund “your wedding”, as opposed to paying for one he can afford, no matter the scale?
With a lifetime together in view, you cannot see beyond the wedding cost?
You had not discussed, given thought or personally made any provision towards your accommodation after the wedding?

Please note, my questions are merely rhetorical, no replies necessary.

Even if I take the point about the tone and approach of your HTB, it in no way ameliorates your ill-advised approach, poor attitude, colossal sense of entitlement and altogether warped thinking.

My Verdict;
Two people who both cannot recognise the other is neither ready, nor right.
Don’t marry – unless you aspire to a facsimile union of deceit, scheming and gamesmanship, with all the potential consequences of that.

Thank you for raising this before you tied the knot, because I am not God and my worldview rarely prescribes divorce.


WannaWeds, please pay heed.

Best
TV

3 Likes

Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by Nobody: 2:04pm On May 03, 2012
jennykadry: I did not contribute a dime. Some of you's need to understand that tribes play a vital role in issues like this. I am a solid Igbo girl and I guess the OP is, judging from her username. Where I come from the groom pays for everything, no shaking, if you can't afford it then you are not ready for marriage.

Lol.
Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by Outstrip(f): 2:15pm On May 03, 2012
Okay I am still trying to understand why you rent a home and spend that kind of money to renovate it. What were the renovations he had to put into another persons property that had to compromise the funds they had set aside for the wedding
Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by kay9(m): 2:27pm On May 03, 2012
@OP,
Your stupidity is simply astounding! U want your hubby to borrow so u cn have the classic wedding?? What are you, naija's version of the dumb blonde?? Ewu gambia. angry angry
--
Mmmmm, yelling and cussing at people can have a rly nice therapeutic effect... tongue
Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by Nobody: 2:28pm On May 03, 2012

1 Like

Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by Nobody: 2:43pm On May 03, 2012
Outstrip: Okay I am still trying to understand why you rent a home and spend that kind of money to renovate it. What were the renovations he had to put into another persons property that had to compromise the funds they had set aside for the wedding
Didn't he also know that his rent will expire september, abi he was planning on selling the gifts and the money people spray them on the wedding day as rent.personally I don't  anything wrong in contributing, but definitely the man has to bring in more. OP shine your eyes well o!n be sure that man really loves you.
Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by kay9(m): 2:46pm On May 03, 2012
jennykadry: I did not contribute a dime. Some of you's need to understand that tribes play a vital role in issues like this. I am a solid Igbo girl and I guess the OP is, judging from her username. Where I come from the groom pays for everything, no shaking, if you can't afford it then you are not ready for marriage.
-
Girls like you are the reason other igbo girls are looked upon as gold-diggers. See her mouth, ''no shaking''. Obviously u've never earned a single naira note in your miserable life. At such a time when other women are breaking off such backward practices and asserting their places by being partners instead of slaves/dependants in marriage, you are here happily annoucing that you had absolutely NOTHING to support your hubby with, and chorusing ''no shaking!'' to it! Mgbeke 7-up, oya clap 4 yourself. M.U.squared.
I'm actually happy u started with ''where i come from...''; obviously that ''no shaking'' bull is exclusive to that dirt-ridden, provincial, backwater village of yours. Shame on you. tongue

4 Likes

Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by Nobody: 2:49pm On May 03, 2012
undecided
chaircover:
Jenny's husband paid for all the wedding but I doubt that all these years down the line she will refuse to put in her last dime to assist her husband if he needed financial help today. You cant compare the understanding that a newly married couple have with one that has been married for a decade. We all know that the first year or marriage is almost always the toughest. Why? because both are still getting used to each other and their roles.

Ofcourse I will help him out are you kidding me, the father of my kids knows he has a right to my account (ehn, not more than 100dollars abeg)? Even my mother I am sure has helped my dad out a million times if not she won't be asking him to pay for the newspaper she bought for him over a decade ago.

As a soon to be married couple, the man needs to step up his game, I am not telling her not to contribute but 80%? undecided
Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by Nobody: 2:52pm On May 03, 2012
steph7:
Didn't he also know that his rent will expire september, abi he was planning on selling the gifts and the money people spray them on the wedding day as rent.personally I don't  anything wrong in contributing, but definitely the man has to bring in more. OP shine your eyes well o!n be sure that man really loves you.

Don't mind him. He wants a woman to pay for his tie. Me? The dude paid for all the cartons of gulder, small stout, malta guiness(no shakinggrin)he used to appease those village people first that do not use their ears to hear "obodo oyibo". A single dime from my closed pocket did not enter inside.
Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by Nobody: 2:55pm On May 03, 2012
Mrs CC
ego and insecurities should have NO PLACE in any union...... and anyone who has the audacity to question a man on such occasion, should be handed the bill for the home renovation and rent.

we cant put up with "roles" in marriage any longer because these are long gone. if i cant pay FULLY for the wedding, it doesnt make me less of a man, thats low self esteem talk (same if i cant pay the rent). if my " wife" cant take care of the kids then i will, if she cant cook then i will, if she cant clean the house then i will...........saying that a man shouldnt simply because it is not his given "role" is wrong, imho.
Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by kay9(m): 2:58pm On May 03, 2012
steph7:
Didn't he also know that his rent will expire september, abi he was planning on selling the gifts and the money people spray them on the wedding day as rent.personally I don't  anything wrong in contributing, but definitely the man has to bring in more. OP shine your eyes well o!n be sure that man really loves you.
And now because the dude has effed up his finances, his love is suddenly being questioned... Says a lot about how the average woman thinks. I mean, why even bother marrying, when the first sign of financial difficulty makes u wonder if he loves u?? Oh wait, i see it now, ''if he loves u, then he should have money to marry and keep u''; that's right, shey?? angry angry
And tommorrow, another 35-yr-old spinster will come here and start wondering why she's still single...

2 Likes

Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by Nobody: 2:58pm On May 03, 2012
Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by Fhemmmy: 2:59pm On May 03, 2012
I see no big deal in the woman putting money into the wedding arrangements as well.

1 Like

Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by Nobody: 3:00pm On May 03, 2012
Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by stanbiggi(m): 3:01pm On May 03, 2012
what is your problem? U are suppose to fast fast support him to make ur marriage come to fruition....Be wise
Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by london2lasgidi(m): 3:02pm On May 03, 2012
The OP is obviously not Yoruba.... In Yoruba culture, the woman pays for the wedding; and the husband buys the necessary gifts... We as Nigerians have bastardized our own culture smh.. Oi, I'm definitely gonna get married to a Yoruba woman, who understands the Yoruba culture, and knows what her role is when it comes to the wedding ceremony..

F western culture, I'm a proud Yoruba son. grin

1 Like

Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by anonimi: 3:03pm On May 03, 2012
@OP,

Do you want to do a WEDDING and then be married

Is marriage only about the man or a union of both man and woman

Did the religious folks not say the woman is a helper to her husband!!!

You should really not be asking whether you should CONTRIBUTE to your own wedding and marriage.
Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by Outstrip(f): 3:03pm On May 03, 2012
Honestly I can almost understand if it were an american coming with this train of thought but the average Nigerian man? Please get the heck out of here. In fact tomorrow it will be the mans sister that will insult her and say you paid for my brother to marry you. I don't understand how one day we are full on Nigerians and the other we are full on something else. You cannot have it both ways. I contributed to my wedding and have no problems with it but also the man I married knows that the day he walks into the house and says "pack ya load" he will likely be theone packed in a box LOL.
Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by Analytical(m): 3:04pm On May 03, 2012
I still don't understand whoever gave them (or rather him) the August deadline that cannot be shifted till he has enough to reasonably foot the bill! I think every man should be proud of being able to provide and meet his obligations. Yes, the unforseen has happened, then the plans should be flexible enough to be adjusted.

Borrowing is a no-no. So I am on the side of the man on that. On the other hand, the attitude of the OP is off-key. Couples should derive joy in being there for each other. Howver, if it means the bride has to carry major part of the bill, then wisdom calls for a shift in the wedding date. I definitely won't be a happy husband, knowing that I couldn't meet my obligations during my wedding. Ego won't allow me.


Outstrip: Okay I am still trying to understand why you rent a home and spend that kind of money to renovate it. What were the renovations he had to put into another persons property that had to compromise the funds they had set aside for the wedding

It actually does happen! Some shylocks of landords will collect 2 years' rent upfront for a yet-to-be-completed building with a promise to complete it before the tenant moves in. But once money has exchanged hands, you may have no other option than to renovate/complete by yourself due to delays etc. It happens a lot in this country.

1 Like

Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by boy1(m): 3:04pm On May 03, 2012
African women mentality!Bleep!
Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by anonimi: 3:05pm On May 03, 2012
chaircover: @Femi 80%?

There is nothing wrong in cutting the wedding plans to fit the 20% of the original cost that the groom still has.

Problem solved

1 Like

Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by debosky(m): 3:05pm On May 03, 2012
chaircover: A lot of you are not being realistic and people are talking a lot of theory rather than practice.

How many of you guys will seriously be comfortable with your bride paying for your suit and all the food that your side of the family ate at the wedding. She paid for the photographer, video man and even your own side of the gifts that your family should have bought as gifts to her side such as Yams, drinks etc Even her bride price she has to pay abi? is that not what her 80% is doing?

Why not? When I know that the reason I cannot pay is due to sacrificing for our marriage not out of laziness or irresponsibility? When I know I will pay for far more over the life of the marriage? Only short-sighted people think this way - we are not talking Boyfriend girlfriend here, this is MARRIAGE - two becoming one in everything.

Besides, you have asked the WRONG question - the real issue here is that, if your groom suddenly can't afford the lavish wedding previously planned, would you rather he go and borrow or cut down on things and make a contribution where you can?


I want a happily married man/woman to come out and be truthful and say that they trusted and felt more comfortable & secure with their partner more than what they do years later. What am I saying?; trust, feeling secured, understanding and even maturity etc comes with time.

This type of thinking is the cause of divorces on the rise. If people don't trust each other on a basic level before getting married, they have no business even contemplating marriage. That others start their marriages distrusting themselves


Jenny's husband paid for all the wedding but I doubt that all these years down the line she will refuse to put in her last dime to assist her husband if he needed financial help today. You cant compare the understanding that a newly married couple have with one that has been married for a decade. We all know that the first year or marriage is almost always the toughest. Why? because both are still getting used to each other and their roles.

This is warped thinking - the FUNDAMENTAL before marriage should be trust, not something you hope to have in future. Yes there are challenges, but none more than if you start off distrusting each other in the first place.


All this has nothing to do with being a kept woman/housewife/doormat. Whether we like to accept it or not there are some predefined roles in a relationship and when you start crossing things up, thats when you start getting strange results.

Oh yes it does - if you give cultural history that entrenches mistreatment of women as justification for your pre-defined roles, don't be surprised when you get mistreated as the culture demands.
Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by Fhemmmy: 3:07pm On May 03, 2012
chaircover: @Femi 80%?

Not for the woman to pay 80% , , , Haba, that is not what i am saying.
Also, the house that the man has used the money on, they will both live inside the house.
So i will suggest that the man just wait then, till he is able to save more money to be able to afford the wedding . .
Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by Nobody: 3:07pm On May 03, 2012
Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by Fhemmmy: 3:08pm On May 03, 2012
stanbiggi: what is your problem? U are suppose to fast fast support him to make ur marriage come to fruition....Be wise

Point
Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by Fhemmmy: 3:09pm On May 03, 2012
anonimi:

There is nothing wrong in cutting the wedding plans to fit the 20% of the original cost that the groom still has.

Problem solved

True That too

1 Like

Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by Skii(m): 3:10pm On May 03, 2012
Una nefa marry, una don dey start
Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by Nobody: 3:10pm On May 03, 2012
Two become one in marriage? well it's a good thing you said marriage, right now they are not married until then two becoming one does not apply. cool

1 Like

Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by NOIBMUUL(m): 3:10pm On May 03, 2012
So na man come world come die abi?

1 Like

Re: Am I Supposed To Pay For My Wedding? by Nobody: 3:11pm On May 03, 2012
You should not go for something big and expensive if you can not afford it. No need for all the extravagance.

But still if you have the money, then help your husband. I don't see anything wrong in helping him. After all, the support, and team work start now.

2 Likes

(1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) (7) (8) (9) (10) ... (18) (Reply)

My Mother Is At War With Me Help!! / Lawyer Oladapo Ogundipe With Seven Children As Lawyers (Law Family) / Recently Married Woman Missing In Ogun

(Go Up)

Sections: politics (1) business autos (1) jobs (1) career education (1) romance computers phones travel sports fashion health
religion celebs tv-movies music-radio literature webmasters programming techmarket

Links: (1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) (7) (8) (9) (10)

Nairaland - Copyright © 2005 - 2024 Oluwaseun Osewa. All rights reserved. See How To Advertise. 68
Disclaimer: Every Nairaland member is solely responsible for anything that he/she posts or uploads on Nairaland.