Chrisbenogor:
Sagamite come when you go marry self? We need all this ya theory for practical o.

This cheating matter is a very complex one, there's emotions , reality, and then the reality that most people get ruled by emotions anyways.

chaircover:


I just wish that people knew how damaging and hurtful it is to cheat on someone and then weigh it out first. They will see that the 3 minutes excitment [b]in a dirty hotel room [/b]is just not worth it at all.

chaircover:


Hmmmmmm rightly said
The truth is that no one really knows how one will react when one is faced with these things.
All these my advise gan, if I was faced with the reality, I will probably behave different and it will be like ha sisi siacofa how come naw?

The reality is that every situation is different and even such things as timing, other issues, finances, existing health of the relationship, children and a heap of other things will determine what happens next.

I just wish that people knew how damaging and hurtful it is to cheat on someone and then weigh it out first. They will see that the 3 minutes excitment in a dirty hotel room is just not worth it at all.

Meddler:

But that's the thing. If he wants more then he should speak out. I'm not psychic. It's just like women who go around thinking they have a bad husband because he doesn't show some romantic gesture. How is the man supposed to know what you like romantically if you don't say so. No one can read minds that's where communicating comes in.

Communication!!! You can't be in a relationship and not be able to express urself freely and openly. What the heck are you doing in that relationship then?

Meddler:

Then there was no reason to continue the relationship and let it progress to man and wife. Breaking up is painful but I'll eventually get over it. Everybody does. I didn't put a gun to his head and insist he should wife me. No sir! I'll rather die as a single woman with peace of mind.

Meddler:

And I get that. People say things that they might think you want to hear- I hate that. I'll rather you be bluntly honest with me so I know where I stand. Its not like I can read his mind and know if he's been genuine about his feelings. His actions make me think so but after time I've had to rethink that and I've told him.

Meddler:

I caved into family pressure and his, forgetting the most important person in the equation- Me. I regret that and not just because of his infidelity. But I've found myself questioning my decision.

chaircover:


Hmmmmmm rightly said
The truth is that no one really knows how one will react when one is faced with these things.
All these my advise gan, if I was faced with the reality, I will probably behave different and it will be like ha sisi siacofa how come naw?

The reality is that every situation is different and even such things as timing, other issues, finances, existing health of the relationship, children and a heap of other things will determine what happens next.

I just wish that people knew how damaging and hurtful it is to cheat on someone and then weigh it out first. They will see that the 3 minutes excitment in a dirty hotel room is just not worth it at all.

Chrisbenogor:

Again, this is true. The evidence however that abounds in the world (wars, conflicts, etc) does not show that "many" people are adept at managing these emotions. For me after being on the receiving end more than once in past relationships, I learned to take life a lot less seriously, in fact I think the priming that it is the worst thing that could happen in a relationship/marriage tends to increase the blow.

Personally I advocate that each case be judged on its own merit, factors such as the personality of the individuals involved....are they both ruled by their heads alone or by their hearts. Then comes the root cause analysis.....if it can be handled by both parties. Was it a moment of pure physical pleasure ( men tend to be the culprits here - 3 minutes excitment in a dirty clean ( the guy has to have class na ) hotel room, was it emotional ( women and men are culprits here o - bbm chats, whatsapp chats, sms) this one can pain sha. Then there is the omega of them all - physical and emotional cheating! Phew! This one requires professional remedy and all the help that is needed should be given to those involved.


Here is the catch though, regardless of what we choose.......we have to deal with reality. That is where our emotions manifest or would I say take form. That is where the children cry and wonder why daddy and mummy dont see eye to eye, where families swear at each other and collect bride price back. So whatever decision is taken, one has to be ready to live with the reality of that decision.

Ehn Marriage CV big pass Ugo C. Ugo textbook ..

Madampinkolo:
@bukatyne & bellong,
had to deactivate ooo..I'm back though.
trying to now catch me hopefully will be harder

MadCow1:



[b]Madam..

Leave all these small girls wey full here wey dey form Online James Bond..

CHEATING IN MARRIAGE is way way different from CHEATING IN BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND relationships..

I have seen enough to start tp pity women. I have witnessed a Man whose wife tracked him to a (Corner side) hotel in Port Harcourt and confronted him live in the reception.. As the Woman was losing her mind and acting a fool there, the Man looks to the Hotel Manager like to say; What type of embarassment is this.. Nna men, Na so Security come evict the woman from the Hotel o!! The Man collect Key, carry ehn Babe enter room.. LIVE!! As in!!! I was in shock.. A few hours later, the Man comes out and drives away.. The WOman was still outside inside her car crying..

I have seen Women whose husbands even impregnated a girl outside stay in the marriage.. Even made moves to adopt the child from the side boo.

Marriage I tell the young ones is a big game changer.. Everything you thought you knew about marriage flies out the window most especially when you are in an unfaithful and abusive relationship.. [/b]

Chrisbenogor:

Again, this is true. The evidence however that abounds in the world (wars, conflicts, etc) does not show that "many" people are adept at managing these emotions. For me after being on the receiving end more than once in past relationships, I learned to take life a lot less seriously, in fact I think the priming that it is the worst thing that could happen in a relationship/marriage tends to increase the blow.

Personally I advocate that each case be judged on its own merit, factors such as the personality of the individuals involved....are they both ruled by their heads alone or by their hearts. Then comes the root cause analysis.....if it can be handled by both parties. Was it a moment of pure physical pleasure ( men tend to be the culprits here - 3 minutes excitment in a dirty clean ( the guy has to have class na ) hotel room, was it emotional ( women and men are culprits here o - bbm chats, whatsapp chats, sms) this one can pain sha. Then there is the omega of them all - physical and emotional cheating! Phew! This one requires professional remedy and all the help that is needed should be given to those involved.


Here is the catch though, regardless of what we choose.......we have to deal with reality. That is where our emotions manifest or would I say take form. That is where the children cry and wonder why daddy and mummy dont see eye to eye, where families swear at each other and collect bride price back. So whatever decision is taken, one has to be ready to live with the reality of that decision.

bukatyne:


Truth is some people know themselves and what they can take or not take

I had a facilitator who said he will never cheat on his wife because he knows that is the end. The wife has shown him that cheating is the end of the game. He said his wife can do practically anything to make the home happy but once he cheats, the game is over.

Some people have a stand and stick 100% by it

MadCow1:



Buka!!

You don marry?!

bukatyne:


You wan use me do second wife

Yes daddy, I don marwi

Daddy huh?!


SWEEET!!! I liked that Until I saw you were married.

MadCow1:


Daddy huh?!


SWEEET!!! I liked that Until I saw you were married.




Back to the Matter..

I am not saying people dont bail out of marriages o!! But my dear, if you are honest with yourself and well aware of some of the shiit that goes on in many peoples homes, you would realise that many women reduce their tolerance treshold from the 'If he cheats i'm out' level to as low as 'Its just one baby na, I can still manage' level before they leave..


I have seen very strong women broken down beyond their wildest imaginations because of marriage. The external pressure and the shame alot are enough shackles to keep a woman bound in a bad relationship against her will.

I once wrote about a woman who was about 8 Months pregnant with their first baby and the Husband beat her so bad, she to her brothers house. The Man went to the Borthers house and beat her there, dragged her by the hair into his car, took off at break neck speed and ended up in an accident with his pregnant wife inside the car.. You would think that this was the end.. MBA!! Guess what the woman said about the matter:: She said her husband beats her because its a weakness that he has.

O!! And she is a Graduate working woman.


Instead of many of these young girls to be forming NIKITA online, they should rather pray that their eyes should never see what their legs cant run away from.

MadCow1:

Apostle Chris.. I see you!!

Nairaland girls, Verily Verily I say unto you..
Chris is my Guyses in whom I am well pleased... MAKE UNA HOLD UNA EAR HAND TAKE HEAR WETIN E DEY TALK O!!
Ehn Marriage CV big pass Ugo C. Ugo textbook ..

bukatyne:


LOL @ sweet

True @ bolded. I think a lot did not really mean all the gra gra they said. Some say it because that is what is in vogue . How do you explain a lady who cannot 'stand' cheating or abuse marry a cheat/flirt or a guy who has given her one or two slaps? If her guy has not, what was her reaction to those it happened to around her?

I am also happy you see that there are a lot of shitty marriages around here. Women really really see in marriages.

I know myself wella and I cannot stand cheating and abuse. During our counseling classes, my pastor asked what will make me leave (we were treating for better for worse topic) and I told him C & A. He was surprised because others would have said 'nothing' (although he knows me to be very honest & blunt ).

Any other thing (apart from rituals), I am ready to work it out

@final bolded: True that. Marrying the right person eliminates most of these things and not tall/handsome/rich smooth operator they are seeking about

MadCow1:


When the Pastor asked me what would make me leave my Marriage; I simply said the day she stops loving me.

#Period..

bukatyne:


LOL!

God help us

While a good choice is to walk out when he is cheats/abuses, a perfect choice is for either of us not to mess up majorly (there will always be minor mess ups as we weren't perfect) and live happily together till all our teeth are out

bukatyne:


What is worse in a marriage than cheating and abuse?

bukatyne:


Welcome back

carefreewannabe:


We are talking about relationships and marriages here, aren't we?
The example you gave involves two strangers and not two people who know each other, share their lives, become intimate and build up trust.
We are talking about married people who promised each other something. And if you cannot trust your husband / partner to keep his / her promises, who in this world can you trust? Are promises not based on the premise that they will be kept, especially by those who we love and trust?

Therefore, I don't agree that "Nothing gives anyone the right to expect anything from another adult." because all our close relationships are built on expectations without which they could not function.

You have the right to expect from your best friend not to sleep with your girlfriend.
And you have the right to expect from your girlfriend not to throw herself at your friends.
It is your right to expect minimum respect from people close to you.


The fact that they can choose not to meet these expectations is a different thing.
They can do it even though it would be considered wrong for different (moral) reasons. However, it is not your fault to have trusted those close to you. And this trust is based on the expectation that those closest to you will avoid to hurt you in one way or another.

Without these expectations, there can be no trust and we will have dysfunctional relationships full of mistrust. These unwritten expectations make our close relationships (with family members, friends, boy- and girlfriends) special and set a framework for us that we need.

You can question these norms but you cannot deny that these norms are generally accepted and that we actually profit from them.
It is human to have such expectations as it is human to want to have relationships built on trust. To trust, we need to be free to have expectations in our relationships.

The fact that some people will not meet them will sometimes lead to disappointments but that does not deny people the right to have expectations.

And of course we cannot complain to the UN when someone disappoints us and there is no moral police we can call to arrest someone who disappoints our expectations but that does not make moral standards and values which lead to expectations invalid.

I could go on giving examples of how necessary and vital it is to have expectations in other spheres of life but I will leave it at that for now.

Chrisbenogor:
Sagamite come when you go marry self? We need all this ya theory for practical o.

This cheating matter is a very complex one, there's emotions , reality, and then the reality that most people get ruled by emotions anyways.

MadCow1:





Instead of many of these young girls to be forming NIKITA online, they should rather pray that their eyes should never see what their legs cant run away from.

Madampinkolo:

I'm naturally a bit pessimistic to be honest and he has semi tampered with my trust in him and that was while dating.No,he didn't cheat but he was planning to meet up with someone and lied about it.The person in question and the way he went about it caused me to break up with him.It was a huge deal.We eventually made up but I carried it into our marriage.I've let go but you know my spirit
Plus i know who i'm married to and his weakness.I know how easily carried away he gets.How easy it is to topple any misgivings he has.You've read up what i've written before and you see he's not able to take a firm stance most times.I know the kind of friends he had,and how he just followed every wind that blew.He's just like that.He can say No in theory but when it comes to action .There have been times that i've expected him to say a firm NO to something that's wrong instead of dillydallying or dodging.He let me down on these occasions.No matter how lovely he is,or how much in love we are,I have to be realistic and see his failings for exactly what they are and the consequences that could occur.If you look back at my former post,you'd see there was a girl who wanted him to be a gym instructor..Now,a firm no nonsense guy would shut her down but my DH was playing nice.People like him get themselves into difficult situations and then start calling Holy Spirit when it's too late.I worry about what will happen if i'm not there to be a voice of reason?How will you then know when to draw the line and quit being nice?We are working on restoring my confidence in him,but you know these things take a while.


I have seen the effect of cheating,how much unhappiness it can cause and then having nowhere to run to again??!!My mother,ontop of her game careerwise,excellent wife in my books but turning a blind eye thinking she was doing us a favour?Though i was the one catching my dad,he was very brazen at some point.My mom chose to stay there and i HATED it.I swore to be opposite of her.

People say that thinking divorce is an option actually means you will give up on the marriage,but for me it's the the opposite.It's some sort of security for me that i'm not trapped.I don't have to do anything i don't want to.I don't have to bear anything i don't want to.I don't have to wallow in unhappiness.I have a CHOICE.

Now,because of my views and expectations,he sat up and knew that the normal bullshait wouldn't work with me.We have a team here and he has a wife is obsessively loyal.I have put my whole soul,body,mind into us.I've sacrificed everything.I went against my family and friends to be with him.

If anyone has a reason to cheat,it should be me.I'm the one who has only chopped one ogbono all my life.So,it's clear to us that once he starts thinking of eating egusi,the floor will open for me to eat okro.We have had this discussion,hypothetically especially when we were newlyweds,,i like things being out in the open..And judging by my character well...exploring other options will likely happen once that door is opened(or at least an attempt).Forgiveness will happen after that.I know the sitting down,talking won't work for me until i do something.(I'd like to add that he expects me to be a saint
Cheating to me is worse than no money or no providing.I'd rather have a poor faithful man than a cheating billionnaire

Bellong,
He doesn't believe in divorce,he said we must die married.No walking away.
Why won't i be able to live freely with myself?
I'll confess naww...we both will forgive eachother and go for counselling.

Sagamite:


Extremely good points all the way through.

I have highlighted the part relevant to my point though which you have stated yourself:

Of course everyone have a right to have personal expectations but it is not their right for someone to have to give it to them.

No one can deny anyone their rights on what to feel, but it is not their right for another person to deliver that feeling.

Madampinkolo:




To add to the discussion,I completely understand that people cannot believe a married woman would share her body with someonelse.It is completely distasteful to the ear and the first rash reaction is 'impossible','online warrior' 'jackie chan' etc.BUT married women are cheating as well.Who are these married women?Some must be on nairaland?
They find it hard to believe cheating can destroy a marriage,that the woman will walk out.I understand that as well because they feel after taking stock of everything,they must find reason to stay back and continue.It may be hard for them to realise that it's BECAUSE after taking stock,it will be torture to stay back.
They do not understand the torture of being haunted by the image of Dh and another woman/women writhing around bed,car,floor is unbearable.The blow to self esteem,the questions,loss of trust,paranoia,emotional withdrawal,the betrayal.
Emotions run very very deep,the more you love someone,the deeper the betrayal..you lose everything you believe in in just one instant.Everytime he talks,you become bitter and call him a liar.When he steps out of the house,you wonder where hes going.If he comes home late,you rant and rail.The love will be irretrievably broken and the marriage will NEVER EVER be the same.Some part of you will be jaded forever.
I watched my mother lose the light in her eyes.My mum is the most cynical human being on this planet.Sweet woman,accomplished but deeply unhappy marriage wise.A different child may see this and move on,but for me a very emotionally sensitive and temperamental child,I was scarred.I took it personal and knew early that I wouldn't be able to live side by side with a cheater
I find it disgraceful that the emotional well being of the woman/man cheated on is rarely explored.We mostly have the attitude of bear it and get over it.Very terrible.

If i choose not to leave,my emotional make up insists that the books be balanced.I won't be able to continue if i don't get some form of justice.Whatever that justice is,I have to be satisfied that i am desirable,someonelse wants me.How far i choose to carry that out,I don't know.No one knows my se x -o - meter or my views and attitude towards s ex.So don't automatically assume that I may have to fall inlove inorder to have an or gasm.Now the response may not be today or tomorrow but the fact remains I may now be more receptive to flattery and flirting in a bid to validate myself.

Now,if i don't do anything I will be bitter,I will be screaming daily,i will nag,i will be an angry person and i will make life hell.I will remind him of it everyday.I may mock him whenever he talks. I won't be able to have s ex with him without the mental picture of them moaning and screeching.Who would want to live like this forever?Sorry won't work.
The Jesus/prayer brigade shouldn't bother,it won't work.I feel like it's only when i feel some kind of balance that I will be able to move forward.
Imagine having children in this sort of environment..It's a horrible thought.Now,is it better for a temperamental person to raise kids in such an atmosphere?You must take into consideration the emotional stability of the person cheated on.I have lived this nightmare with my folks abeg,can't repeat it.

People should not underestimate the next person or believe their expected response should be this or that just because they've seen it as the norm.Mrs Bobbit hacked out her DH pe nis,who would have thought that possible?

Now,if DH caught me cheating i wonder if he'd be viewed as jackie chan if he decides to leave me,if he'd be insulted for going out and sleeping with other women inorder to make himself feel better.Very very funny...
100 years an excellent mother,excellent wife and mistakenly shagged a man at a WHO conference..would that change the outcome for me?Male/female for me it's no different.

The more deeply you love someone,the more likely you are to respond crazily to betrayal.

20-30 years down the line when im much older,my feelings may be less volatile but I know the rebel inside me would still find a way to respond.

andromida:

I pray your confidence in him is restored.

It seems to me you are afraid of your husband hurting you like your father hurt your mom so you want to be her opposite but in trying so hard to not be like your mother your fears may drive you to create the same thing you don't want you may think you are doing things differently but as long as you don't think much of a person......it shows without you even knowing, this may make the person pull away and look for where they are well thought of in spite of their best intentions and then your fears would've manifested i am not saying disregard the reality of his flaws but perhaps you can think more of his commitment to you and the marriage.

Cheating, lack, not providing all feel like terrible situations to me none is better than the other and i hope you don't experience any.

Thank you for sharing and i wish you speedy healing in your marriage.