Afam4eva: If you love your husband soo much then you should learn his Esan and speak it to your child.

My brother, learning a language is not easy. How do you propose that she learn the language in a Yoruba setting? As long as they live in Yourbaland, the child will not speak Esan. I and so many others are living examples.

Afam4eva: Any husband that allows you to give your child a name from your language to speak your language to the child is just being nice and nonchalant. These are things people should discuss before getting married.

You do understand that the child belongs to both parents. Since so many children have two names, it makes most sense for both parents to choose exactly one of the names. I have a problem with the word "allow." Why would a woman need permission to choose one of the two names of her child?

Afam4eva: These are things people should discuss before getting married.

I completely agree. We think that love will overcome all and refuse to talk about very important matters such as this.

The father should speak the language to the son then.

Tunmi: The father should speak the language to the son then.

Ah! You sef see am?

PAGAN 9JA:



stop all this dating c.rap.

tell your parents to get a nice Yoruba girl for you and settle down.

all the americans know is divorce.

I am a man. The responsibility of finding a life-long partner fully rests on me, not on my parents.

Joshthefirst: sir.
I believe if you start speaking the language to the child from a tender age, he'll pick it up. He'll also pick up the local language spoken in his environment. This has been proved in families I've seen.

I'll give this a try. Thank you.

I'm not married or close to doing it any time soon but i think i should be able to add a thing or two.

Sometimes its not what people say thats the problem, its how they say it. I'm sure if her husband is being diplomatic about the whole issue, this problem won't arise. If he sat her down and made her understand his reasons for his decision gently, she'll understand and this won't be so much of an issue. She's reacting this way cos she feels her "marriage and human rights" are being trampled upon which in all fairness is true. They gave birth to the kid together and should make joint decisions in the kid's best interest and not their families' or ego's interest.

For those saying this is a minor issue and shouldn't cause so much fuss... please ask people who get divorced how it got to that stage, they won't remember cos its from what people term "silly" like this.

As much as the OP might want to deny it, this little "silly" issue is giving her big concerns and making her view her hubby in a different light. Now she's gradually having some resentments and she's wishing some things were different.

I just wish you guys had hinted at this before marriage but the deed is done. Just try to always be calm and hold nothing in. Discuss whatever makes you uncomfortable with him and you guy should sort it.

God will watch your kid and help him grow to be the best he can be.

kendraloops: I'm so so so very angry this evening. I've been having this issue with hubby for a while now, used to think he was kidding but this evening just confirmed it for me.

I'm Yoruba n he's Esan from Edo state. He speaks yoruba very very fluently even better than me, he teaches me proverbs n all sometimes sef. But anytime I speak yoruba to our baby, he gets irritated kind of n says' my son is an Esan man, stop speaking yoruba to him'.

We had a major row over it this evening again. Don't I count in the boy's life? What's the biggie in him learning how to speak yoruba?

I hope your hubby gets to read this, he has a complex and has to work on himself in dat regards ASAP cos he has unknowingly began to create cracks in his family. He should take it or leave it, as far as the boy remains in d south-west and gets to mix with his peers, he wld speak more dan one lingua. U just chillax.

@op I understand how you feel but personally I don't see this an issue. I will ask you these
1. Do your husband treat you with respect and dignity?
2. Does he "love" you and your kid more than anyone in this world?
3. Is he a good father and husband?
4. Does he love your family and treat them with respect?

Well if your answers to the above questions is yes, then you are overreacting. As for those singing the "insecure" song, it is quite unfortunate that you people do not understand that people are different, raised differently and are inculcated with different ideas as per what rights a man has(Though I must admit that one has to realize that time as changed) .

Please don't let something as trivial as what language your child speaks (my listening to all these insecurity crap ) destroy the peace and "love" that exist in your home, as long as you husband is a good husband and a father and above all a good person. See it as one of those compromises you have to make to ensure that your family is at peace (that is the greatest gift you can ever get).


I wish most people could understand that all the things we make issue out of life is not worth the trouble and its senseless.

This shouldn't be a problem really. Does he speak esan to his kid. If he does then he needs to understand that what is good for the goose is good for the gander. Just try and talk this over as adults.

..whatever happened to the phrase 'mother tongue'??....issues of language yet it's an inter-tribal marrige..na wao!..
..@op maybe you should stick to English since your husband has issues with you speaking your language to your baby..or you want to turn your home into a war zone cos of language wahala??...i dont think so..cheers.

gothrones:
My brother, learning a language is not easy. How do you propose that she learn the language in a Yoruba setting? As long as they live in Yourbaland, the child will not speak Esan. I and so many others are living examples.

Of course i know it;s not easy and i wasn't really advising her to learn it. She should just become fond of it and chip a few to her child. Her child might grow up learning to speak it more than her.

gothrones:
You do understand that the child belongs to both parents. Since so many children have two names, it makes most sense for both parents to choose exactly one of the names. I have a problem with the word "allow." Why would a woman need permission to choose one of the two names of her child?

The child belongs to both of them but one person makes the difference. Marriage is not a place where you go in to represent your village. it's all about sacrifice! sacrifice! sacrifice! It's a place where you give and not expecting anything in return. There's no federal character in marriage.

gothrones:
I completely agree. We think that love will overcome all and refuse to talk about very important matters such as this.

The reason why the OP may not have discussed it with her husband is that she assumed too much. She assumed that since her husband was a fluent Yoruba speaker, he would see nothing wrong in her teaching her child Yoruba. She forgot that he will always remain an Esan no matter how much Yoruba he speaks. Somewhere in her mind, she probably didn't even see the marriage as an inter-tribal marriage and went into it seeing him as just another Yoruba guy and she's shocked about some of his utterance as relates to tribe.

Madam, don't bring this type of issue next time to the public. Some persons here will break your home.now some are already insulting your husband. What do you think will happen if your husband find out about your post? Go and think of this. Meet your husband and talk to him, and keep personal issues to your self, you won't get answers here.

Afam4eva: The child belongs to both of them but one person makes the difference. Marriage is not a place where you go in to represent your village. it's all about sacrifice! sacrifice! sacrifice! It's a place where you give and not expecting anything in return. There's no federal character in marriage.

If it is not a place where you go in to represent your village, then why does the husband insist that the child learn his language? In this context, there is nothing to sacrifice. The wife is speaking Yoruba to her child. Let the husband speak Esan to his child. Why is the husband relying on the wife to teach his child his own language? Isn't that his job? Is the wife demanding that the husband should learn Yoruba?

gothrones:

If it is not a place where you go in to represent your village, then why does the husband insist that the child learn his language? In this context, there is nothing to sacrifice. The wife is speaking Yoruba to her child. Let the husband speak Esan to his child. Why is the husband relying on the wife to teach his child his own language? Isn't that his job? Is the wife demanding that the husband should learn Yoruba?

as much as i find the husband's attitude distasteful, i think he has the final say on the matter. That's why he's the man. The woman should trust his judgement after letting him know what she thinks. Btw, i didn't see inn the post where the husband told her to teach the son Esan.

Do you and your family members speak yoruba with your husband when your family members come visiting?even if you do,always remember your hubby is esan,and make sure he doesn't feel disrespected when you are conversing with your people in yoruba.yorubas have this attribute of when they are 2 or more in number,and start speaking their language,they act like they do not care about the presence of someone in their presence who isn't yoruba or doesn't understand yoruba.I had yoruba friends while serving and I got along well with them,but whenever there are 2 or more,I always find a way to move away from them because its like they forget that you don't understand the language.this attribute can be annoying,I believe your hubby has experienced such before and maybe detest such attitude which is why he has decided to stamp his authority early enough.this is also one reason why some non-yoruba who understand yoruba language sometimes pretend not to understand or speak yoruba.you must minimise the rate at which your family members visit.

Duke_Nija:

Wrong!! My brothers and I, even cousins were born and bred in Lagos, we don't speak Yoruba. Anyway, these are part of the challenges of inter-ethnic marriages. Its just safest to marry from your tribe irrespective of what people think. I won't use my marriage to unite Nigeria abeg. Let Jonah and Co do that!!

Word. last sentence 10/10.

speak english to the child.

Duke_Nija:

Wrong!! My brothers and I, even cousins were born and bred in Lagos, we don't speak Yoruba. Anyway, these are part of the challenges of inter-ethnic marriages. Its just safest to marry from your tribe irrespective of what people think. I won't use my marriage to unite Nigeria abeg. Let Jonah and Co do that!!

Lolzz!...

@Afam4eva

I actually wish that my father had taken this man's stance. My father did not even try to teach us Esan. He only took us to his village twice. I am 28 years old and I have only been to my village twice. I felt more at home when I arrived in the USA than when I arrived in my hometown. And why is that? Language. The conversations with my grandmother and relatives were very awkward.

If I knew the man, I would advise him to let his children spend vacations in his hometown. I have a Nigerian American friend who speaks Igbo almost perfectly, as judged by my Igbo friends. And he said that spending his summers in Owerri, for 16 consecutive years, really helped him.

divine2043: Marrriage is a contract. All parties must agree. Terms can change/be modified to suit both parties.

The default language for the child must be English. That's simple enough.

It is up to both parties to decide what second language the child should speak, first. It sounds as if in addition to speaking Yoruba, the husband speaks his native Esan (fluently, I believe) as well. The child must speak Esan and know about his culture - regular visits to the village (or whereever his people are).

It does not make sense for the child to speak Yoruba/English when he goes to his father's place. This is African culture. Whether you like it or not, that's the fact. 10 years down the line the child should speak English, Esan and Yoruba.

I spoke 3 languages aged 10.

I disagree with you. While i believe it's recommended that all parties agree in marriage but what happens when the husband for example refuses to agree on a particular issue? Does the wife's choice take pre-eminence? Who has the final say on the issue?

Why should the default language be English? This is what couples should discuss before marriage. There's no set rule for marriage and no set language for it either. If the default language should be English according to you then i guess the default mode of dressing should be English or American in other not to offend the other party. Like i said, marriage is about sacrifice and shouldn't be viewed as a place where you go to choke your partner with your desire and opinions.

kendraloops:

My dear, its English oo then he n baby's grandparents speak Esan to him when we go visiting as I don't speak Esan. You just need to see the way he gets when I speak yoruba to baby

learn his language also.

gothrones: @Afam4eva

I actually wish that my father had taken this man's stance. My father did not even try to teach us Esan. He only took us to his village twice. I am 28 years old and I have only been to my village twice. I felt more at home when I arrived in the USA than when I arrived in my hometown. And why is that? Language. The conversations with my grandmother and relatives were very awkward.

If I knew the man, I would advise him to let his children spend vacations in his hometown. I have a Nigerian American friend who speaks Igbo almost perfectly, as judged by my Igbo friends. And he said that spending his summers in Owerri, for 16 consecutive years, really helped him.

Your Father was probably a different man. He probably didn't care about issues such as what language his children speaks and all that. But i think Fathers should care just for the sake of their children as is mandated by African culture. The worse case scenario should be the child learning both languages from both parents. Inter-tribal marriage is a great thing when managed properly.

..i really think folks here should take it easy on the 'insecure and inferiority complex' chant.....
....last time i checked,the man is the owner of the child in our society so i guess he has the right to decide the language his child should speak.....
....make people no go scatter person marriage for here with their advice and insinuations..

chineloSA:

What a waist

what a waist?? iyanya, is that you??

yellowpawpaw: Madam, to stay in marriage and make marriage a success, one has to employ wisdom. At times small small issues like this compounds to bigger problems that lead to abuse or divorce.
Its not everything we ought to complain about.
If ur hubby said he want his baby to speak his language only, by all means accept and teach him that. That way he will c u as a submissive wife and peace will reign.
Meanwhile, u said he speaks ur own language very well. All good!
Converse with him in ur language sometimes. I tell u baby is learning. Sing in ur language, baby is learning.
U go out with baby, u speak ur language to baby. Infact, where is ur number six?
Children r capable iof learning up to 4 diff languages at a time.
Stop raising issues where there is none.
Meanwhile, u r married to him not the other way round.
Ur reaction is unneccessary.

Exactly. Simple! You're blessed! I hope the OP would read it. . .

Ngokafor: ..i really think folks here should take it easy on the 'insecure and inferiority complex' chant.....
....last time i checked,the man is the owner of the child in our society so i guess he has the right to decide the language his child should speak.....
....make people no go scatter person marriage for here with their advice and insinuations..

with their useless advice. I just hope the OP has a strong heart, if not they'll make her turn against her husby. .with their useless advice.



See how some users are insulting the husby, indirectly and directly. Some family issues shouldn't be brought to a public forum such as this.

chineloSA:
Personally, how I would treat this is, my child has to know all his father culture, language etc before mine.

Though I do not think the guy may have meant bad, but he meant it. The son is his son hence he bears his surname.

I think you overreacted, since you said the child can still learn Yoruba either way. Teach your son all his fathers culture before yours. Your son may blame you when he does not fit in, in future. Your son is not Yoruba, he is Esan.
Even with names, he has a right to deny you to give your son a Yoruba name, its his Esan son, not Yoruba son, so you were just pushing your luck.

Are you sure you are not pregnant again

Complete answer. There's a reason he paid your bride price. Since you're in southwest, just focus on teaching him your husband's culture cos he'll mos def learn your tongue growing up. He might just be a tad more traditional than insecure. I myself will want my children to know my culture and tongue first. So don't work yourself up much and enjoy your marriage and your hubby.

Remain blessed.

@ least young ladies wud learn never to marry an 'educated illiterate'. Some men are educated, yet very backward.

High academic attainment is not a guarantee of sound mind.

Paroman:
what a waist?? iyanya, is that you??

No. Do I talk like iyanya

The man has no complex.he is only trying to protect his son.the woman obviously took him for granted cos he speaks yoruba.the man is simply saying I am esan and my son is esan,if he can't speak esan,then he should not speak yoruba.

thorpido: Funny yoruba accent?I'm right for saying your husband's got a complex.He speaks esan and he doesn't think the Esan accent is deep too?I have friends who are Esan and the accent is just as deep as yoruba.

Well ask him if he would prefer you speak your half half Esan to his son and get him confused or would he rather speak the fluent Esan whike you speak yours to balance the equation. The man harsh shaaa o!