Tonnyray:
Very deep but this is what I'll say in a nutshell: To prevent you being the side-lined father-in-law in another 25-30 years' time, (cos trust me these things come in cycles) tell your fiancee your parents insist on having a brief meeting with her biological father as your family tradition entails but assure her that all marriage rites and obligations will be to her step father.

You have a nice point Bro, but I'm not really comfortable with your last paragraph, I "think" pride price should belong to the biological father unless he reject it for any reason best known to him. In some culture, if you did not pay the pride price of the mother, you have no right to eat anything from your son in-law, if you do, it will result in a very big issue. You fit die sef or untreated sickness.

Ufuka:
Iam so shocked by many people's comment here, I hardly comment but I have to do so cos this's a matter between life and death. In Akwa Ibom State, there's no amendment to custom and tradition, don't allow your fiancee or your future mother inlaw to lead you astray, for the sake of your fiancee's life. Listen very well, go and get the marriage list from your fiancee's biological father, the bride price and every other thing should be paid to him,
his kinsmen & your fiancee's mum alone. The marriage should be done in his hometown and he's the one to sit as a father that very day. Any amount of money you can afford, give it to the man that took care of your fiancee. If your fiancee and the mother refuse to accept it, please and please cancel the marriage. A WORD IS ENOUGH FOR THE WISE.

God bless you. Most of the people commenting here are children and ignorant.
Op should go to his elders and talk with them

MetaBroadband:
Good morning mature men and women in the house. Please I need your help on this topic.

My Fiancee told me about how her biological dad abandoned her and her mum after getting her mum pregnant.

Her mum later married another man who adopted her as his child.

Now she's grown and I've proposed to her, I wanted to go for her official introduction and list collection.

Would it not be nice to hear the biological father's opinion? Should I just ignore the fact that the man is still alive and proceed with the marriage arrangement?

Although she said I should not bother about that, but this is Nigeria and as an Akwa Ibomite I don't think it's proper. Although she's against me trying to find out about the man's opinion. Should I care?

What can you say about this?

Note: she only told me that the man abandoned them, but what if it was her mum that actually took her away?

Good luck on your marriage, you’ll need it. Especially this one that your wife is already dictating to you.

MetaBroadband:
Good morning mature men and women in the house. Please I need your help on this topic.

My Fiancee told me about how her biological dad abandoned her and her mum after getting her mum pregnant.

Her mum later married another man who adopted her as his child.

Now she's grown and I've proposed to her, I wanted to go for her official introduction and list collection.

Would it not be nice to hear the biological father's opinion? Should I just ignore the fact that the man is still alive and proceed with the marriage arrangement?

Although she said I should not bother about that, but this is Nigeria and as an Akwa Ibomite I don't think it's proper. Although she's against me trying to find out about the man's opinion. Should I care?

What can you say about this?

Note: she only told me that the man abandoned them, but what if it was her mum that actually took her away?

You need to really bother if you;over her and your future please don't go and destroy your own destiny in the name of I want to marry
The biological father will never forgive you till enternity put yourself in the man shoe, if there's misunderstanding within the parents don't go and involved yourself

Don't marry that girl without seeing the biological father. You will REGRET IT if you do. Mark this comment.

Biglittlelois:



So evil like a hater, why will you be expecting someone else's breakfast? A married man for that matterCheck yourself, negativity and bitterness is already eating your soul slowly,

C'mon!!! I don't hate, but I speak truth!!! Simps are the bane of existence!!!

Justkatty:
But what concerns you with her biological father? Being a father is not just you impregnating a woman but being responsible makes you a father.

Is he coming to reap where he didn't sow?

Abeg op proceed with whoever stood as a father for her.

Women and their shallow takes. There's more to it than what you can imagine. The guy MUST seek the blessing of the biological father.

So if she was to be a surrogate child, you will go and look for the biological mother ni..

Kobojunkie:
Interesting claim! So in the case the mother got the girl from a sperm-bank donor, your tradition demands you locate the donor — who was probably paid for his sperm at the time — to hand over her bride price to him? Africans— you all need to heal yourselves of what is obvious cultural foolishness!

You are allowing your imagination to run wild by bringing in the sperm bank into this matter.

It has already been established that the girl has a living biological father. So sperm donation does not apply here.

Surely you must be one of those born and bred in the city, who are not in tune with the formal ways their people go about the business of marriage.

If you don't know, ask questions and you shall receive wise counsel.

Honestly OP let's believe your story is truth, But don't you have parents or elders to guide you in the situation like this? You wan dey listen to Nairaland girls shallow minded advice? Bro seek elderly advice and do the right thing. If you do otherwise another man will receive your daughter's brideprice while you're still alive.

virginprincess:
It is your financee who decides the people you should and shouldn't meet in her family,since she said meeting her biological father isn't necessary i think you should let it be,she must have a reason for saying that,afterall the father didn't play a significant role in her in life so i don't see a reason why you should be concerned for a man who didn't care about his family,i think you should go ahead with the father figure in her life,afterall it was a man like him that took them in when he abadon them so her step father has every right over her and he should be appreciated for all his effort,it is not easy to take care of another man's child especially when the useless father is alive.

Useless father! When you are even yet to hear the side of the mans side

MetaBroadband:
Good morning mature men and women in the house. Please I need your help on this topic.

My Fiancee told me about how her biological dad abandoned her and her mum after getting her mum pregnant.

Her mum later married another man who adopted her as his child.

Now she's grown and I've proposed to her, I wanted to go for her official introduction and list collection.


Would it not be nice to hear the biological father's opinion? Should I just ignore the fact that the man is still alive and proceed with the marriage arrangement?

Although she said I should not bother about that, but this is Nigeria and as an Akwa Ibomite I don't think it's proper. Although she's against me trying to find out about the man's opinion. Should I care?

What can you say about this?

Note: she only told me that the man abandoned them, but what if it was her mum that actually took her away?

You said you are from Aks. You of all people should know that tradition is no respecter of persons. The woman's biological father is the one to give out his daughter in marriage. He and his kinsmen are the ones to give you the marriage list. It may be painful for the step dad but if he really loves his wife and your fiancee, he will give to caeser what belongs to caeser. The girl is not his. He will always reap rewards from her but this is a very delicate situation and you cannot afford to be careless. Wokeness and English cannot cancel traditions.....your fiancee does not understand the repercussions of what she is telling you to do.

Nyceguy92:
■ You are allowing your imagination to run wild by bringing in the sperm bank into this matter. It has already been established that the girl has a living biological father. So sperm donation does not apply here. Surely you must be one of those born and bred in the city, who are not in tune with the formal ways their people go about the business of marriage. If you don't know, ask questions and you shall receive wise counsel.

But sperm-bank donors are also living fathers. Or are you the one whose mind is not able to stretch to include that given what you made clear? According to you and a lot here, the woman's biological father — which includes sperm-bank donor fathers — is to be honored in this. So why are you hesitating to allow that?

kingreign:


Mbok ka ke se ete awan mfo.
MMeh tang ake mi.

real akwa ibom Man.
Once they tell you . "Mmeh tang ake mi" just know say na wise word.

You must quickly meet the biological father,he is the real father of the child and whom the bible said you must pay dowry to. Failure to do so, what you will encouter in that marriage will be unbearable. Never listen to the words of man,you must do that which the Almighty God has instructed us to do to avoid future sorrows and regrets.

I have known Nairaland since 2012 and I access nairaland almost every day by only reading comments but today Is my first time of registering and commenting since you are from Akwa Ibom and you seek Advice. I am from Akwa Ibom myself, don’t put yourself in danger by not giving traditional rites to the real father, his father and finally his village no matter what might have happened between your fiancé’s parent. It doesn’t end well in the near future or in the future. Your wife to be is from his real dad’ family/ village, give her real family/ village their traditional rites so you won’t endanger yourself/family in the future if eventually you have a daughter after your marriage and you give her up for marriage. In some families in Akwa Ibom state, even doing traditional marriage outside of the bride’s village is another problem talk less of buy cutting her father, family and village.

Edipet:
You have a nice point Bro, but I'm not really comfortable with your last paragraph, I "think" pride price should belong to the biological father unless he reject it for any reason best known to him. In some culture, if you did not pay the pride price of the mother, you have no right to eat anything from your son in-law, if you do, it will result in a very big issue. You fit die sef or untreated sickness.

Thanks. I only spoke based on my convictions. There is no way I am going to marry a babe without getting to meet or at least discover the biological father. You do not take a woman's word for it in matters as deep as marriage in the African context. If I now discover it to be true that the man was totally irresponsible and deliberately absconded from fatherly duties to my fiancee, I will focus on the man who raised her to be what I find admirable enough to wife up.
I have a personal experience along these lines bro. I broke up with a babe with similar daddy issues I was engaged to when it dawned on me what I was getting into after I'd obtained irrefutable details of her mom's whorish and treacherous dalliances in her younger days. Her biological dad had just been one of her victims.
A woman and her mother with bile for her father is a massive red flag.
Tread carefully. Chances you'll also be stung real bad in future is well over 90%

43Ronin:


you see, South easterners and South southerners are not like yoruba people. marriage is a big deal to those people and hence they can't just mind their biz when it comes to things like marriage and burial. There are customs and traditions that must be followed, and one of them is getting information or asking questions. I even heard that for akwa ibom there's a lot of spiritual stuffs involved in their marriage that] could be detrimental to either couple. So stop littering the tread with baseless advice abi you also got daddy issues

A lot of them do not understand. People lose their lives or are even scarred for life because of negligence during marital and burial rites. And someone is here telling the guy to go on without the biological father. The fiancee's mum does not even know that she can lose her life for wanting the step dad to take the place of the biological father during marital rites. Tradition is tradition o. It hurts most times but it is what it is.

MetaBroadband:


And what if your biological father was deprived of that privilege and responsibility either voluntarily or involuntarily?

Do you think it would be just to keep on denying a man of his own blood?

Don't you think that when she's up against the tradition that it would now become my business?

How sure are you that he wanted her? Even if he didn't want her mother, he could have made provisions which would be visible to all to take care of his daughter. Unfortunately, things like this are quite common and the man will definitely now be looking for ways to reap where he did not sow.

emmeyen:




You said you are from Aks. You of all people should know that tradition is no respecter of persons. The woman's biological father is the one to give out his daughter in marriage. He and his kinsmen are the ones to give you the marriage list. It may be painful for the step dad but if he really loves his wife and your fiancee, he will give to caeser what belongs to caeser. The girl is not his. He will always reap rewards from her but this is a very delicate situation and you cannot afford to be careless. Wokeness and English cannot cancel traditions.....your fiancee does not understand the repercussions of what she is telling you to do.

You have said it all, don’t know how it is done in another state but in Akwa Ibom State I am from, you dare not try this suicide mission. I only register for nairaland after many years of only reading comments to advise him

My Dear Brother go with the flow of meeting her parents don't get involved with family Wahala

E no go make sense

@MetaBroadband,
Congratulations on taking the step. I advise you approach the matter as below:

1) Ensure you visit her stepfather first. I assume you have. Make sure you do not visit her biological father first. After you have been accepted by her stepfather, remain in contact by taking his phone number

2) Seek audience with her stepfather alone. You do not have to meet. You only need to agree on a convenient time to discuss over the phone.

3) Mention that you have come to know that there is a biological father alive. Tell him that you do not know what role, if any, would be played by her biological father. Listen carefully to him. Do whatever he says. If he says he is in complete charge, abort any visit or investigation into the whereabouts of her biological father until after the marriage.

4) Immediately after the marriage, you must now convince your wife of the need for her biological father's blessings. You will be the head positionally now and would no longer require the consent of her stepfather. Visit him with gifts and make apology for the delay.

Above all, God.

MetaBroadband:


I'm so sorry Ma, this is not the reason for this post. Yesterday we spoke she said the man is aware, that he does not have issues with it.

So why can't I meet this man as well if truly the man is aware that she's getting married?

Secondly, if they are in good terms then it should have been proper for me to meet him too.

I've seen and heard marriages like this that later required some attention in the future because of a step that was skipped in the past. So get this clear, this is not a fiction to castigate women.

Why is it a must for them to be on good terms? Especially if the man actually abandoned mother and child and absconded?

emmeyen:



A lot of them do not understand. People lose their lives or are even scarred for life because of negligence during marital and burial rites. And someone is here telling the guy to go on without the biological father. The fiancee's mum does not even know that she can lose her life for wanting the step dad to take the place of the biological father during marital rites. Tradition is tradition o. It hurts most times but it is what it is.

. He better listen to you, else he will regret it. Just pouring Kia Kia on the ground together with few words, he will know tradition exist.

sisisioge:


What is your concern with the sperm donor that contributed to her biology when she has presented you with her dad who raised her? Orisirisi! Are you sure you're soundly ready for marriage? It is for people who are really grown up o

You should have asked for all her mom's ex boyfriends too fa

Trashiest of all trashes. You don't disappoint.

Osombo:
OP I know of a situation like urs, lady wasn't picking her Dad's calls even when the man was reaching out each time. I will advise U to see the biological father, meet him and if possible if U can bring him to the mother of ur fiancee and her family to make peace and if possible let them fine him and he pays, then let him be rightful person to collect bride price and he can as well handle same to his inlaws since he wasn't there for the daughter, that's respect and he can bless ur marriage, we men hardly talk, we overlook so many things. Let me ask U, U want to built ur foundation of beef? Don't U think death can be inevitable if U go ahead without his consent, even if he is dead, he has family What if ur children ask after their grandpa, will d stepfather ne their real grandpa when their real grandpa is alive? The fiancee sef no try, don't she know U avn mock her one day, ur blood is ur blood ooo Who knows maybe it was cos infidelity he left the Mom

And what happens to the man who decided to take care of another man's daughter regardless? Can you take that? Can you even take care of another man's abandoned child? Let's all judge with fairness.

virginprincess:
It is your financee who decides the people you should and shouldn't meet in her family,since she said meeting her biological father isn't necessary i think you should let it be,she must have a reason for saying that,afterall the father didn't play a significant role in her in life so i don't see a reason why you should be concerned for a man who didn't care about his family,i think you should go ahead with the father figure in her life,afterall it was a man like him that took them in when he abadon them so her step father has every right over her and he should be appreciated for all his effort,it is not easy to take care of another man's child especially when the useless father is alive.

A virgin princess have spoken. Case closed!

If you want your marriage to be successful and fruitful go and see the biological father

MetaBroadband:
Good morning mature men and women in the house. Please I need your help on this topic.

My Fiancee told me about how her biological dad abandoned her and her mum after getting her mum pregnant.

Her mum later married another man who adopted her as his child.

Now she's grown and I've proposed to her, I wanted to go for her official introduction and list collection.

Would it not be nice to hear the biological father's opinion? Should I just ignore the fact that the man is still alive and proceed with the marriage arrangement?

Although she said I should not bother about that, but this is Nigeria and as an Akwa Ibomite I don't think it's proper. Although she's against me trying to find out about the man's opinion. Should I care?

What can you say about this?

Note: she only told me that the man abandoned them, but what if it was her mum that actually took her away?

My brother you see some ladies here playing the fermernist thing are always doing that in the name of education and the so called civilization..The point is, most people fail to separate civilization from your core values that make you who you are and has a very strong impact on your person...For God sake this is Africa, any one who is not satisfied the way we run things here can as we take a flight go Europe and marry a white man.

To the topic, see, there is this thing they call the parental bond I don't know how to explain it, it's spiritual as far as a man or woman has conceived and brought you to this world, you are linked with such persons physically and spiritually...so whether the man abandoned you or not it doesn't erase that spiritual bond existing between both of you.
It will interest you to know that the step Fathers pronuicement on that lady via blessing will not stand like that of the biological dad, you can take this to the bank, it can only when the biological dad is dead.
So, the worst the lady can do is to furnish the Father by not taking care of him like the way a child is supposed to do attest the ancestors will bear witness to that based on the fathers short comings, but not to deny him knowledge of his child being giving away..hmm, there are consequences!.
So, the best thing to do, is to tell the mother of the lady that in your custirm demands they must acknowledge the man, even of she doesn't go with you no issues, a bottle of schinapp with some change and kolanut to say sir, please this is our mission and as Africans this why we are honouring you irrespective of anything...The man, must bless you, and give out his heart fillet blessings to you for doing that, then you have cleared every spiritual hold up via that level...Also, it will afford you to know the truth about all tha transoured that might even help you in your own marrudge decision weather to go further or not cos most ladies from broken homes dey get k leg oo.
Atter, that, you can decide to do whatever you want to do.

But I will advice you to first if all, find out where the mans village is from and how you can locate him without your ladies consent just an investigation, before being her your mission cos she might decide to keep you in the dark..Agan, it is important to know cos as Africans, there are distance lands where ones village dont marry from as a result of maybe manyour distance relation so many things are involved.

Kobojunkie:
It seems you don't respect your fiance at all, and that there is a major issue as far as your relationship. Are you certain you are ready for marriage at all?

She said you shouldn't do it, so why do you think it your place to carry wetin no be your business for head? What gives you the right to disturb those waters? Because you want to marry her?

This is even trashier than the trashiest. Sisoge's body double. Women and whack reasoning.

Amumaigwe:


Trashiest of all trashes. You don't disappoint.

Deadbeat

ZIMDRILL:


this is complex but it differs tradition of every tribe etc

where i came from son in law can ONLY pay bride price to the biological father in law or the women's family. if the child was raised by the mother alone, the biological father will
be present at the bride price day to witness and given a little token, but the large sum is given to the mum and her brothers



In my culture a step father can not represent a living biological father not matter the reason
they separated from the mother and whether deadbeat.

In my culture, if the father was absent when the girl was growing up and when she is getting married the biological father is invited to charge bride and the same time they will
charge him for being an absent father. if he had not paid bride price, they will charge him pride price, meaning instead of getting pride price from him daughter it will go pay the bride price of the girl's mother

For spiritual reason you pay bride price
to the biological father


In such situations your own family (son in laws) must guide you in finding the biological father or or his relatives, otherwise you pay pride price twice

Back to the story, lets say he pays bride price to the step father and in the long run the couple fights or have problems in house, which family will intervene to help ? the step father's family ? but if pride price is paid to the biological father its easy to seek help from relevent people from the biological father's family there are related by blood.

What's your cultural extraction?