MetaBroadband:
Thank you all for your excellent contributions. Please note the following:

1. They said the man abandoned them, but what if it's not actually what happened, so let's not be emotional.

2. I'm not paying the bride price to the biological father, but there should be an understanding between both fathers at this point. because if the child was taken away from the man or if he had acted as a child then, both parents can come to an understanding so that my wife won't hurt any part of the tradition in the course of our marriage.

3. I know that my mother inlaw would be angry, but I still feel it's my right to know. What if something bad happens to my wife because she married in a way that violates her tradition (give Caeser things to Caesar)

4. I'm doing this for my fiancee not me, because as far as I've paid my bride price nothing can come to me, but if anything comes to my wife, it automatically affects me. So it's not just her and her mum's business.

Thank you as you put this thoughts into consideration as well.

Please excuse typos

MetaBroadband:
Thank you all for your excellent contributions. Please note the following:

1. They said the man abandoned them, but what if it's not actually what happened, so let's not be emotional.

2. I'm not paying the bride price to the biological father, but there should be an understanding between both fathers at this point. because if the child was taken away from the man or if he had acted as a child then, both parents can come to an understanding so that my wife won't hurt any part of the tradition in the course of our marriage.

3. I know that my mother inlaw would be angry, but I still feel it's my right to know. What if something bad happens to my wife because she married in a way that violates her tradition (give Caeser things to Caesar)

4. I'm doing this for my fiancee not me, because as far as I've paid my bride price nothing can come to me, but if anything comes to my wife, it automatically affects me. So it's not just her and her mum's business.

Thank you as you put this thoughts into consideration as well.

Please excuse typos

MetaBroadband:
Good morning mature men and women in the house. Please I need your help on this topic.

My Fiancee told me about how her biological dad abandoned her and her mum after getting her mum pregnant.

Her mum later married another man who adopted her as his child.

Now she's grown and I've proposed to her, I wanted to go for her official introduction and list collection.

Would it not be nice to hear the biological father's opinion? Should I just ignore the fact that the man is still alive and proceed with the marriage arrangement?

Although she said I should not bother about that, but this is Nigeria and as an Akwa Ibomite I don't think it's proper. Although she's against me trying to find out about the man's opinion. Should I care?

What can you say about this?

Note: she only told me that the man abandoned them, but what if it was her mum that actually took her away?

Teleprompter:
I wish this post would reach front page. It’s a good question and a sincere dilemma.
I’ve experienced dead beat fathers who genuinely didn’t raise their kids and didn’t want to despite having the means. Some to spite the mother and some just because they had no conscience.
It is our culture that accords biological fathers much regard over the ones who raised them morally and financially.
The family of my close friend’s fiancé insisted that they had to meet the biological father since he was alive and it happened that the man disrespected them and showed that he had no love or care for his daughter. He didn’t even attend the wedding. They had fulfilled all righteousness on their part non the less.But in other cases, the dead beat would be glad to be honored and treat the in laws well even though he is just pretending. He would bask in the recognition and later collect the bride price of a daughter that he didn’t invest in. Subsequently, would want to interfere in the marriage and continue to guilt trip the couple to keep the recognition going, knowing fully well that the daughter is grown and gainfully employed and needn’t make any financial commitments to such a daughter henceforth. Probably even receive gifts of sorts from the husband who prefers to be peaceful.
In all this, I still believe a man should meet the biological father to make proper judgement of the whole scenario and events that might have taken place in the life of his wife before meeting her.
How about a case where the mother did not remarry? Who would collect the bride price ?
Tricky indeed.

Jovialjune1:
All of you will rest las las, keep typing from your imagination just to castigate women, even if we choose to believe your fiction, who do you think you are to want to meddle into what is not your concern?

Do you think the lady and her mother haven't thought of the traditional effect before deciding to go ahead with the wedding? The step dad that took care of her since childhood, is he a dunce to not know her dad abandoned them thereby marrying and taking care of them? The dead beat that remained a deadbeat all these years, why didn't he look for his daughter if he really wanted to be a part of her life? Did her mother's marriage to another man stop him from looking for her? The lady abi na fiancee that told you he abandoned them, do you think she wouldn't have made an effort to hear from him as a grown adult and still see that he's still the same?

It's not by force to marry her, she sees her step dad as her father, being a sperm donor doesn't automatically make one a father, if the step dad is not enough for you, move on to other ladies.

MetaBroadband:


I'm so sorry Ma, this is not the reason for this post. Yesterday we spoke she said the man is aware, that he does not have issues with it.

So why can't I meet this man as well if truly the man is aware that she's getting married?

Secondly, if they are in good terms then it should have been proper for me to meet him too.

I've seen and heard marriages like this that later required some attention in the future because of a step that was skipped in the past. So get this clear, this is not a fiction to castigate women.

IamAsiri:


And what happens to the man who decided to take care of another man's daughter regardless? Can you take that? Can you even take care of another man's abandoned child? Let's all judge with fairness.

Dafresh:
■This is the reason my friend refused to marry outside Igbo tribe, he believes other tribe don't have good traditional marriage custom in my Igbo clan they might end up not having child or their children might die when they grow maybe after university graduation

ZIMDRILL:


this is complex but it differs tradition of every tribe etc

where i came from son in law can ONLY pay bride price to the biological father in law or the women's family. if the child was raised by the mother alone, the biological father will
be present at the bride price day to witness and given a little token, but the large sum is given to the mum and her brothers



In my culture a step father can not represent a living biological father not matter the reason
they separated from the mother and whether deadbeat.

In my culture, if the father was absent when the girl was growing up and when she is getting married the biological father is invited to charge bride and the same time they will
charge him for being an absent father. if he had not paid bride price, they will charge him pride price, meaning instead of getting pride price from him daughter it will go pay the bride price of the girl's mother

For spiritual reason you pay bride price
to the biological father


In such situations your own family (son in laws) must guide you in finding the biological father or or his relatives, otherwise you pay pride price twice

Back to the story, lets say he pays bride price to the step father and in the long run the couple fights or have problems in house, which family will intervene to help ? the step father's family ? but if pride price is paid to the biological father its easy to seek help from relevent people from the biological father's family there are related by blood.

mrmislim:
Lmao, my dad left us when we were young and now I am married.

I just cannot imagine my husband telling me then that he wanted to go look for my dad, bro , you will go to my state and look for my dad to ask of his side of story as to why he abandoned 3 children below 5 years old?

I will leave you in that relationship with my dad as such a person can never be trusted, as that is a red flag and you’re an aspiring deadbeat husband and dad. God forbid bad thing.

I wish I can see your fiancée and tell her to run as far as her legs can take her away from you.
What nonsense.

Kobojunkie:
So, in 2023, your clan are full of ignorant people who still believe children might die of unknown causes and you came here to beat your chest about this? Rather than dig to figure out exactly what illness keeps taking children in your community, you can here to beat your superstitions-riddled chest about how it is all the fault of evil spirits?

Dafresh:
■ Sir my tribe have custom and tradition
You can't take bride price of whom you didn't give birth to when the original father is a life in my tradition it always back fire seriously

MetaBroadband:
I appreciate all you comments so far, but I see many of you ignoring traditions and the points I raised because of emotions.

Have you not seen where person was mandated to pay bride price twice either because of one or two mistakes?

That's the girl's story, what if they all lied to her and she grew up with it? What happens if the tradition doesn't permit another man to collect bride price of a girl whose father is still alive?

Please drop emotions and be more critical in this matter I beg you guys. I've heard of a scenerio where they have to change the venue of a traditional marriage simple because it wasn't supposed to be held at the place it was holding then.

Are we simply trashing the traditions when indeed the bride price follows the tradition?

Abeg make we think or ask person wey dey advance for his own opinion before we comment.

What if tomorrow now, they said because of A wasn't supposed to be A, I have to come and pay goat and Elon musk before this and that?

MetaBroadband:
I appreciate all you comments so far, but I see many of you ignoring traditions and the points I raised because of emotions.

Have you not seen where person was mandated to pay bride price twice either because of one or two mistakes?

That's the girl's story, what if they all lied to her and she grew up with it? What happens if the tradition doesn't permit another man to collect bride price of a girl whose father is still alive?

Please drop emotions and be more critical in this matter I beg you guys. I've heard of a scenerio where they have to change the venue of a traditional marriage simple because it wasn't supposed to be held at the place it was holding then.

Are we simply trashing the traditions when indeed the bride price follows the tradition?

Abeg make we think or ask person wey dey advance for his own opinion before we comment.

What if tomorrow now, they said because of A wasn't supposed to be A, I have to come and pay goat and Elon musk before this and that?

armyofone:
Meet the person whom she has been growing up with all those years - you guys too like drama. Must you announce to her biological father that you are marrying her ? Can't you both and some friends, mother and her husband just go to city hall, sign papers and go live your lives ?

UjuJoan2:


May God not let my daughter come across men like this.

Kobojunkie:
But your traditions and beliefs clearly fly in the face of commonsense/wisdom as it exists in the year 2023. Are we to flout wisdom in the name of customs and traditions?

IamMobisola:


This does not make sense. What about daughters that were actually abandoned by their biological fathers? What about daughters that were sexually assaulted by their biological fathers? What about cases of domestic violence on both mother and child? You think any reasonable daughter would still want to be involved with such father?

ZIMDRILL:


where i came from, if the man didnt pay the bride price for the child mother, when the child get married the father is invited to witness the ceremony, but he wont get the bride price of his daughter, when the son in law pay the bride price to the father, the parents of the mother now collect their bride price from hims (aka the father

Therefore in simple terms, "you didnt pay for the child's mother bride price, now you wont get the bride price of your daughter, its goes to pay for the child's mother bride price

So idea works in two ways one, whether you were raised by a step father from day you were born, bride price should be received by your bloodline, your father but if your father is owing the bride price, his own in laws will demand it therefor the father will walk with just a token but the rest has been grabbed by the in laws, ad for the step father she shouldnt recieve bride price for bloodline which is not his, no matter how much he contributed to the child

Then the reason they want the father to be there on the bride price day its to do
with spirituality, whereby through either traditional worship or christaing, its about the unification of those two biological parents of the child, eg in african spirituality your ancestors/forefathers are told that out child is married etc, a step father can not do that becoz there have no blood or spiritual/forefathers link

Remember in african spirituality there are problems were one is asked to bring biological parents, it can mom or daddy's size, with a step father how is going to do that ?

Step father is usually appriciated by the person he raised

casualobserver:


Avoid women from complicated families…especially those who do not have a relationship with or know their biological fathers. What the mother did to the father, the daughter will do to you. The mother has set a precedent that it is ok to take the children and alienate them from the father and allow another man to raise them. Don’t say you were not warned.

You think it won’t happen to you? Who is going to stop or talk sense into her when she decides to do same with you, is it her mother who took the children and alienated them from their father or the father who is absent from her life? Don’t forget every divorce started with “I love you”

If you want an idea of how your marriage will be look at the marriage of your parents and that of your potential spouse…history always repeats itself. It’s called learned behavior, but Nigerians call it generational curses.

If you want to marry a woman and the father is alive, that is the person that will rightfully grant you blessing to marry his daughter. If you go to another man for blessing, another man will give blessing for your own daughter. If there is a reason why you cannot go to the father for blessing or the father cannot walk her down the aisle then that is a red flag and a warning to run for your life and find another woman to marry.

The only reason why anyone other than the father should give blessing or give a woman out in marriage is that the father is dead. If you want peace and a fruitful marriage, listen to me. If a woman’s father is alive and she cannot bring her father to give you out in marriage, or says he doesn’t matter, she is not from a good home because it shows she has no respect for her father and will not respect you once she is married to you.

As far as the adopted father, only a stupid man will give his step daughter out in marriage when the father is alive. It is not his daughter to give out no matter if he has raised her. All this shows to me the step father, the mother and the daughter are not well brought up.

43Ronin:


you see, South easterners and South southerners are not like yoruba people. marriage is a big deal to those people and hence they can't just mind their biz when it comes to things like marriage and burial. There are customs and traditions that must be followed, and one of them is getting information or asking questions. I even heard that for akwa ibom there's a lot of spiritual stuffs involved in their marriage that could be detrimental to either couple. So stop littering the tread with baseless advice abi you also got daddy issues

MetaBroadband:
Good morning mature men and women in the house. Please I need your help on this topic.

My Fiancee told me about how her biological dad abandoned her and her mum after getting her mum pregnant.

Her mum later married another man who adopted her as his child.

Now she's grown and I've proposed to her, I wanted to go for her official introduction and list collection.

Would it not be nice to hear the biological father's opinion? Should I just ignore the fact that the man is still alive and proceed with the marriage arrangement?

Although she said I should not bother about that, but this is Nigeria and as an Akwa Ibomite I don't think it's proper. Although she's against me trying to find out about the man's opinion. Should I care?

What can you say about this?

Note: she only told me that the man abandoned them, but what if it was her mum that actually took her away?

Dafresh:
▢ Oga tradition is very important in marriage even the bride price is tradition. Maybe your tribe don't have tradition and custom

davidadenrele:

It's either you can't read well or do not understand a simple grammar "

IamMobisola:
▢ If you don’t understand my comment together with the OPs, then sit this one out. If he goes ahead with the wedding he will definitely have issues with the wife and mother-in-law and won’t have peace of mind. Which is why I said he should call the wedding off since he doesn’t want to respect their decisions.

MetaBroadband:
Thank you all for your excellent contributions. Please note the following:

1. They said the man abandoned them, but what if it's not actually what happened, so let's not be emotional.

2. I'm not paying the bride price to the biological father, but there should be an understanding between both fathers at this point. because if the child was taken away from the man or if he had acted as a child then, both parents can come to an understanding so that my wife won't hurt any part of the tradition in the course of our marriage.

3. I know that my mother inlaw would be angry, but I still feel it's my right to know. What if something bad happens to my wife because she married in a way that violates her tradition (give Caeser things to Caesar)

4. I'm doing this for my fiancee not me, because as far as I've paid my bride price nothing can come to me, but if anything comes to my wife, it automatically affects me. So it's not just her and her mum's business.

Thank you as you put this thoughts into consideration as well.

Please excuse typos

Creamypie:
paranoid? How can a man tell his family its only his mum in law they will meet, not her dad and his people. At least, make it official to them too. When something comes up tomorrow, na she go still meet them for one info. Don't carry too much hurt in your heart. It unconsciously affects what we say, and how we behave

Kobojunkie:
So, no place for wisdom at all in your traditions?

satelliteDISH:


This is a very tough one.
The girls mother is very bitter. She has been nursing that bitterness all her life since she got pregnant. She doesn't want the man that got her pregnant and abandoned her to reap from the gains that come through the girl.
That is her revenge. To her, that is justice served.

To go see the biological father might not go down well with your mother in law and she will hate you for this.
Since your fiancee and her mother have disowned the man. They have acknowledged the step father as their father and husband, go and honour the step father with the necessary traditional items.

The biological father cannot come out of the blues and reap from where he didn't invest for over 20+ years of the girls life. It is an unfair trade.