₦airaland Forum

Harddiskng:
There is no assumption, have you never cooked or cleaned or washed - if you have you know what each task entails. simple question: what does she do everyday from 8am - 8pm as a housewife for a nuclear family, Is it possible that she would cook clean wash every single day monday to Sunday, from 8am - 8pm? Assumption is the lowest form of knowledge, sometimes try common sense in your arguments.

Someone is saying for last 5 years …. You are still telling him to swear about what exactly. If it didn’t get to him enough, would he consider divorcing her or be here complaining about it.

You have stopped making sense long ago, you don’t listen to reason and you make very lowbrow arguments.

Lol coming from someone that has since lost touch with reality.

On one hand, you want me to believe that OP's wife lied about her complaints. On the other hand, you also want me to believe that a married man that lives with his wife can be denied intimacy for 5 years.

Make it make sense. Next time you want to sell assumptions, try balance it. You cannot activate common sense and reasoning on matters that only appeal to your sentiments.

If you have never been denied sex for 5 years (or even one year) by a woman you share a bed with, you cannot force me to believe OP's complaints while also forcing me to dismiss his wife's concerns. The two lies or truths can coexist. If you believe one lie, you SHOULD believe the other. That's how to make "highbrow arguments."

Harddiskng:
Thank God the last paragraph of my post was there for you to read, you even quoted it. What men and women need to do things to make their marriage work.

Plus OP’s post didn’t say she was exhausted. It seem you are not reading or you are not understanding. It has to be one or the other or both, cuz how would OP’s wife be exhausted for the last 5 years. She just blatant refused to provide him with sex in recent years.

Again we have touched this issue of her being a house wife. It is not possible or logical to work 8am - 8pm every single day doing house chores for a nuclear family. What exactly is she doing as we speak the same woman could have her legs up a table watching TV. Only to still refuse her husband sex when he gets back from work.

Oga you have made no valid point, if there was no reason, she would have stated it herself in the last 5 years and the husband would have taken action to get a solution “All men are rational“. If she doesn’t want to do the duties of a wife, I support the OP in divorcing her.

Even the good book states it clearly - 1 Corinthians 7:5
Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again….

Oga Sometimes you just have to stop supporting or making excuse for nonsense.

Now that you are assuming that it is impossible for a woman to work herself to exhaustion for 5 years, then I can also assume that it is impossible for a married woman to deny her husband sex and intimacy consistently for five years. The two exaggerations and lies can go hand in hand, don't you think?


Let the OP come here and swear with his 700k job that he has never moved close to his wife in the last 5 years.

Jman06:
I even prefer that both of us work and contribute equally to the family's finances and also share domestic chores. The problem is that most ladies would want to eat their cakes and still have it. They'll want the man to be the one shouldering the family's financial needs and at the same time help in domestic chores while they lazy about and gossip. They don't want marital responsibilities whilst they're the ones that enjoy the family most on the long run.

I don't think the idea of contributing equally will ever work. That already defiles the purpose of marriage.

Rather than contribute equally, then everyone should just fend for themselves na abi? When you return from your 700k job, you will make your food and change diapers for one child. Allow your woman manage herself and one kid. Trust me, a lot of women will wholeheartedly agree.

pocohantas:
Lol. Well said!
Some women would be slugging it out on jobs that cannot even pay their transportation, just so they are not seen as liabilities. I wouls rather these women get a handwork and do it from home. Many jobs out there are not worth the stress only to return home and pound akpu again.

You understand the situation so well... Many women do those odd jobs to fight back and prove a point.

Harddiskng:
With your write-up, you had the missing ingredient at the tip of your finger but you still couldn’t point at it.

Can two walk together except they agree?. OP’s wife refuses him sex, what is he supposed to do? Force her? Threaten her? Beg her?

It is obvious she is not willing to do what is necessary to “keep her marriage”.

All these things are so little, I don’t know why you are viewing it as a great inconvenience.

I worked in multi-national then CEO (man), doesn’t like live-in house-help. He doesn’t like seeing anybody who is not his family living in his house. Chef, cleaner, driver, all come and go.

Imagine he wants a hot meal at night, according to your thinking it is too much for him to ask his wife to spend 10 mins cooking spag for him . Mind you his wife is also a top executive in another multinational.

Like i stated before the woman doesn’t just care or she is not smart, I won’t advise him to divorce but we all know what ought to be done. May we never end up with such a woman.

Men and women have to do things and sometimes make compromises for their marriage to work. In a case like this when one makes a decision the other can’t balance. The marriage is heading for a crash.

Ask the OP to state the efforts he has put in towards addressing his wife's exhaustion.

Bold of you to think that only the woman needs to keep her marriage.

No responsible man would demand hot spaghetti from a tired and exhausted wife in the middle of the night when there are readily available alternatives in the house.

Well, I have never mandated live-in aides. Money isn't even required to assist one's partner. All it takes is some time and efforts. So even the poorest of the poorest men do not have any excuse..

Jman06:
I would not disrespect nor think lowly of my partner if she carries out her domestic roles without complaining since that is her own contribution to the family. If she feels the domestic duties are too much for her, then she should enter the street with me and hustle for the family's finances, that way we can have enough funds to hire a maid.

Don't compare commercial services to domestic chores because commercial laundry and catering services target large number of people while domestic ones are meant for just the man, his wife and a few kids (4 maximum in most modern homes).

Trust me, only a few women would be willing to sit down in the house for domestic duties. The reason is not farfetched seeing how you guys denigrate women and chores. The reality now is that many women would rather go out 7am everyday like you do to battle it out with 35k job than sit in the house cooking for you only to return in the evening and spread your legs like a newly coronated chief. They will rather contribute from the little or plenty they earn to run the home. You will have to create time and help out in the house or pay to get the job done.

Maybe when men begin to appreciate chores and "housewives" again, the reality will change. You may need to clearly avoid educated women to achieve this imagination of yours.

Harddiskng:
Logically speaking there are thousands of women better than my mom, they own corporations (so what is working a top mgt position) and still have their marriage. Anyways I am also responsible enough not to mention your mother.

Back to the point at hand, every smart woman knows what it takes to “keep her marriage”.

For some men, it’s their wife cooking (even if he is a billionaire and can afford 10 house maids), for some its sex. There is always a requirement because men would be men irrespective of if the woman is a billionaire.

You saying it like its one thing or the other, like she can’t work in a multi-national and give her husband amazing sex or keep her marriage. Which is a lie cuz their are millions of amazing women doing that and more.

What makes many women outstanding is their ability to balance many priorities. If she chooses to ignore it, in most cases the truth would be that she doesn’t care about you.

I like the fact that you understand and acknowledge what every smart woman would do "to keep their marriage," but somehow, you are yet to bring yourself to the reality of a woman who is faced with the harsh realities in her household that take her to the point of exhaustion. A top CEO with staff at her beck and call is a lifestyle everyone would choose. It only makes the marriage easier.

You have also found a way of citing examples of very hard-working women, but somehow you haven't been able to paint the exact picture, as I am 100% sure that the majority of these examples you cite 100% get assistance from spouses, live-in relatives, or paid services. When you are ready to face the realities of the typical Nigerian home, I believe we will come to a better understanding. I have a 70-year-old man in my neighbourhood who does his own laundry both for keeping fit and as a way of relieving the stress in his family.

Anyway, when the OP is ready to make his marriage work, I am sure he will do the right thing. Right now, it appears the woman is also not ready to kill herself in the name of "keeping her marriage."

Jman06:
What I am sensing is that op's wife is a naturally lazy bum who is too bone lazy to do the simple work of taking care of the home front while her husband works to take care of the finances of the family. Forget the fatigue complaint! That's what all lazy wives do to cover up their laziness and make it look like the task of taking care of the house is killing them.

I hope you're aware that in this same country, there are women who work and bring money to the family's table and still do their wifely duties at home? Yet despite not working and contributing to the family's finances, op's wife is too bone lazy to do her wifely duties at home? And you still blame the op?

I have sisters who are married, working and carrying their families and still still do their wifely duties at home without complaining. In fact, one recently financed relocation of her family abroad (something the husband could only dream of). If my sisters and some other women out there are doing the above, no woman has any excuses for being a lazy bum and depending solely on their husbands!

The above is the reason why I'll rather not marry than marry a lady I'll be the one carrying like some handicapped person, when my own sisters are the ones carrying their men.

How is she lazy when the husband already mentioned her qualities (one being that she is a hardworking woman)?

I think it is disrespectful to relegate domestic duties because someone employed you to work for them. A very big disrespect to your partner or whoever you choose to pay to do these tasks. I imagine that you also think very low of your dry cleaners, cleaning companies, and caterers. May be I should send you a proposal to clean your apartment for a year (used to own a cleaning business btw). Then I would also send you my IG plug for food delivery. By the time you pay all year round, nobody will teach you how to appreciate your woman or those rendering the services to you FOC.

Harddiskng:
You mean I should marry an intelligent woman that knows how to cook, keep her marriage all while working a top management position in a big firm. I pray I do.

Besides is she the only one that does that, is there any sensible woman with a functioning brain that wants to spend all her free time cooking as against relaxing.

Oga you don’t have any reasonable point. Sit down.

You mean your mother works in a top management position in a big firm and she had all the time to clean, cook, do market runs, babysit two kids all by her sex without spending a kobo on house assistants, etc?

Well, I like to believe you; that's why I am wishing you luck in finding a woman like your mother in a digital age.

Working in a top management position isn't even the issue. My grandmother no go school but she had assistant at different phases in her life. By all means reduce your workload. Stress is not a flex.

Lets not make your mom a centre of this discussion tho. Op's issue is mainly about sex. I believe you would be responsible enough to not involve your mom in such discussions.

hammerFC:
HOW ABOUT CALLING A REFERENDUM TO SEE WHO REALLY WANT ONE NIGERIA.

DO U THINK THAT IS ALSO A GREAT IDEA?

Yes. It is also a great idea. I think you should be more worried that English speakers may overrun and bury your language.

I think it's a great idea. Some Nigerians are just too f00lish to understand our common enemy. We will continue to blame one another (Igbos versus Yoruba) until globalisation (English) wipes out our indigenous languages.

The idea is more of a resistant to the disadvantages of globalisation than anything else. Some Igbos in Lagos already learnt the language in order to do business. So this certainly would not be a threat to some. It's more of a threat to the exclusive English speakers, including Yoruba people who do not understand their indigenous language.

A good development all-round.

Jman06:
You're posting things that appeal to their selfish nature while ignoring the well-being of the man. Why do some of you have the mindset that the needs of women matter more than those of men? Yet, you're still the type that clamor for gender equality!

Now FYI, even if op hands over his paycheck to that wife of his, it won't stop her from being lazy and denying him sex! So, don't make it seem like her attitude has anything to do with the level of help or amount of money she's getting from op.

I am not speaking for women/men; rather I am addressing op's matter based on the extent of evidence given.

Check my post on another thread here (https://www.nairaland.com/7837010/woman-husband-left-me-pregnant/7#125738852), where I faulted a woman's decision for denying her husband sex.

You see, unlike you, I address matters as they are presented. I don't go looking for threads to blame women (or men). I addressed contexts, not gender.

It's not hard to see the underlying issues especially one that the op already indicated in his post. He started by listing the amount of work his wife does and ended by mentioning her constant complaints of fatigue.

"First to report no mean say you be victim."

Rest in Peace, MohBad.


It is well.

cococandy:
No he just poured the drinks lol.

Ohhh I see

cococandy:
Spicy Stewed lentils and Thai yellow curry for dinner 🥘

Made by His Excellency??

Jman06:
Stop typing rubbish just to be seen as woke and have your post liked by the female gender.
A wife who contributes nothing to the finances of her supposed home should at least compensate by cleaning up the house and cooking for her family. 100k is some people's two months salary! There are women who contribute equal amount of money to their families' finances, yet still cook, clean and fvck their husbands without complaints, so stop making senseless excuses for op's wife!

If the female gender likes and appreciates my posts, then that means I am posting things that matter to them. Why are you resisting happiness? You don't want to keep your wife happy and sane?

I am not making excuses for his wife. I have only given him tips for his own sanity. In life, you have to always make choices. Some will help you, others *may* destroy you.

zedegit:
What are you even saying? What of people that earn #50 000 monthly and still enjoy their marriage?

I don't think upkeep money is the problem since the wife don't contribute financially.

Is it because he stated his earning?

A man who earns 50k will have to ease the burden and work in his home by getting his hands busy. The emphasis is not solely about the money but the need to ease the burden in your [own] house. For a man that earns 700k in a country like Nigeria, I assumed he probably doesn't have the time to clean/wash, reason I expect him to spend more in running a home with 2 kids.

I will NEVER mention my earning online but 700k isn't really much of a big deal. I clean (an addiction), wash, and do basic stuff in my home. To add to that, we have someone who comes in for deep cleaning every month and I don't have two kids. I hope this picture will shape your understanding.

Kobojunkie:
If that is what you mean then there doesn't seem to be much wrong with the same population that was used in collation of this data then. So where you simply trying to nitpick?

Over 75% can be 90%. I don't have the data.

What population was used in collation of this data? I think this thing is pretty clear enough. It is okay to say that over 25% of men who turn themselves in for testing aren't biological fathers. That is the right thing to do. Every data analyst/statistician knows this.

KingLennon:
Domestic work is now work load? I wonder what our mothers will have said back then in the 80's. Work loadings

If domestic work is not work load, then what is workload? Signing papers in an air-conditioned room? or trading bitcoin online?

If our mothers had a choice, they wouldn't have done what they did. The challenge they had was access (limited innovation) and financial limitation. There is no basis for comparison with a man that lives in the 21st century and earns a decent pay.

The essence of that post is that your money is meant to make life easier for you and ease the burden and amount of work in your home. You certainly cannot complicate your wife's life because our mothers pounded yam mechanically. For a family with 2 children and a spouse that is left alone to do everything, sex is definitely a chore!

Kobojunkie:
Let me get this straight. So, if Mr. X does not harbor any doubts regarding the paternity of "his kids" and hence does not get them tested, you are suggesting then that there is a 100% chance that the kids are definitely his? Or what are you trying to suggest here?

Change that 100% to over 75% and you may be correct.

Mombebe:
It took me time to reply to your comment because I know all you're commenting was coming from a place of alcohol intoxication.
You have never been married, that's why you can comment rubbish,has your father ever given your mother up to 5k for monthly upkeep before in his lifetime??
Answer..so that I will know the kind of individual I'm dealing with here Nkita.

Well, your father may be stup< !d. Mine's not. In my family, we don't use women the way your father sold your mother into slavery.

...because I advised a man to spend more than 20% of his income in running his home is why you want to kill your father?? Says a lot about your generation's financial status. You will ONLY cry online and hope that you earn enough to take care of your family some day. 30% for a family of 4 no suppose turn to mourning and hot tears.

Apart from generational poverty, there is absolutely no reason why a sane human will wail the way you have done in the last 12 hours.

That is a great figure for a non-representative sample. People who go for DNA tests already have some level of doubts about the paternity of their children. So, this finding cannot apply to "Nigerian men."

If only 25% of men who harbour doubts and trust issues regarding their children's paternity receive negative results, then it mean that 75% of men return home with a sense of relief and joy. To achieve a more representative data, the paternity clinic needs to select and test men at random from all geopolitical zones.

Do NOT try it. Whatever you want to do together can wait till marriage. Moreover, there are better things you can do together at the right time.

Dead? How? Tragic!

Harddiskng:
What are writing, is it everyday you clean your house vigorously?

Oga when i was younger, my mum would cook for a whole month on one Saturday and put all in the freezer.
You don’t any reasonable point. Someone earning 700k in Nigeria, do you think he goes to work to play?? Do you know the emotional trauma some people endure to keep their jobs? Is wanting sex from his wife out of place? From the look of things she refuses him sex for an extended period of time.

Well I can’t advise OP

I would maintain my stance, marry someone that matches your sexual energy. You see early he/she doesn’t like sex and you like sex. Madam/Oga don’t marry him/her, leave him/her! Or it would end in tears

No wahala. Marry someone like your mother. All the best.

Mombebe:
Get out, how much do you make in a month?
Did the wife complain about the upkeep money oga?
Na the op brought this up on himself to sort for advice from NL that's full of so many knuckle heads that can not even manage a home like this moniker, instead of giving advice (if you have any) you're complaining of the upkeep money on the wife's behalf.
The born of contention is lack of intimacy which the man has tried so much to endure for a long while now,which I feel it isn't enough to just let go off the marriage, but an unemployed and ogogoro person like you is busy calculating how much he should have been giving the wife,I don't think you should put mouth in this Matter, go to politics forum and comment, that's where we find something that looks like a human being venting out there frustration on each other.

Are you male or female? Please answer, so I'll know how to respond to your tears.

Many here do not understand your point of view.

He is right. God has no hand in your choice to appoint or select a decent man/criminal.

Men of God should stop quoting Romans 13:1 to manipulate their members into praying for a so called leader. I will NOT.

Kingosytex:
Your mama don love up be dat
I laugh each time I hear people say that women are tight fisted, the truth here is that a woman in love can do anything for her man, it's a fact.
My cousin once paused her own studies and used my uncles wealth and every every to push her man up the ladders. Women are radical lovers.

That era is almost over. Nowadays everyone is using common sense, looking for intentional men that will foot the bills/intentional women that will put something on the table. Then when they find the man/woman, they activate love. So love will not be activated until the man/woman ticks the boxes from top to bottom 😂😭😭

Many young people today will grow up not experiencing true love, unfortunately.

Kobojunkie:
She is a narcissist for wanting her marriage to last even through the hardship of depression. Na wa oo!

2. Hope those kids are yours by the way.

Yeah, she wants her marriage to last by not wanting surrogacy, adoption, and sex three months after a doctor advised her.

Hambivert:
"What Do Women Really Want?"

A responsible, honest, caring, and faithful man that tolerates bad behaviour.

It sent me into a pretty deep depression. My husband was wonderful throughout the entire thing, he gave me the space I needed to grieve and be sad.

A great husband.

After about 3 months he brought up getting a surrogate or adoption.

Great recommendation from a great husband. It is either surrogacy or nothing else. What do you want him to do?

I lost it, and during the argument I accused him of blaming me.

A woman who lacks understanding and wisdom.

A couple of days later he suggested I go to therapy. Which I did.

An enduring husband trying to manage the anger of a self-centered narcissist.

I was diagnosed with depression and put in medication. This severally impacted my libido. It's basically non existent.

Not your fault but you're a self-centred human. Your husband probably had it worse but managed to suppress his pains.

Sex between couples is not a "mood" or "libido" thing. It is a responsibility. If lack of appetite will not stop you from eating, then no excuse is permissible for denying one's partner. Denying your partner of his or her conjugal right is equal to cheating. The one who made the rule said so.

He eventually sat me down and explained his needs, I told him I understood but I can't give him sex or intimacy right now.

No, you don't understand. You were cheating on him.

It blew up into a huge fight, I accused him of caring more about sex, he said he cares about me but I cannot expect him to go without either. In anger he said "I might as well just find it somewhere else" and in anger I told him to go ahead.

Well, you never stated any timeline. How long did it take him to get sex elsewhere? 2 months? 4 months? 2 years? In 2 months, I'll probably curse him. But to have him wait till forever for ordinary sex because of depression is total m.a.dness.

That's where the distance between us got bad. He basically stopped trying and we pretty much stopped talking.

Oh yeah, he basically stopped trying and as a self-centered woman that you are, you never even tried in the first place. You made no attempt to initiate sex with him as per you are the prize that needs to be won all the time.

I eventually found out that he was having an affair. When I confronted him he didn't deny it but didn't seem remorseful about it either. I told him I wanted him out and he left. A couple of days later I was served with divorce papers.

Oh, well. You got what you wanted. He wasn't remorseful. Sad. You weren't even close to being remorseful or even ready to do one thing he asked for. Sad.