₦airaland Forum

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This is the concluding part of the article "Emotional Infidelity: A Threat to Marriages" (see link to the previous article-https://www.nairaland.com/2101843/emotional-infidelity-threat-marriages ). I shall be discussing the steps to overcoming pain and distrust arising from an emotional affair.


STEPS TO HEALING

While it is true that problematic marriages are vulnerable to affairs whether sexual or emotional, it is important to stress that affairs can happen even in marriages without problems. Thus, a hurting spouse may begin to wonder why her partner has feelings for or puts another person ahead of her especially when she thinks they are having a great marriage. (Permit me to use feminine pronouns in this article for the hurting spouse just for ease of reference. It is not my intention to pin the subject down to a particular gender. Anyone can stray).

Don't start to blame yourself. That's not the first step in the healing process. You may not have done anything wrong.

1. [b]Get into some long serious talk (For the Hurting Spouse)

When you discover your spouse is emotionally entangled with someone else, don't rail or shout. Be calm. Seek a convenient time (e.g when the kids are in bed )for some serious talk. That's the first step. Tell him what you have observed with details like name of the 3rd party, the flirty conversations, and the excessive calling or chatting. The straying spouse may want to trivialise the issue with phrases like "we're just friends", "I was only trying to help her", "it's nothing serious". Simply turn the tables around and ask if he would be pleased if you do the same. If he apologises, you may ask why he did it but I can assure you he may not be able to give any convincing answer. It could just be that the 3rd party is giving him more attention and stroking his ego.

2. Stop Contact with the 3rd party (For the Straying Spouse)

This would involve blocking the 3rd party from your social networking platforms. If the 3rd party is a work friend simply begin to limit your discussions to work matters. Place small photographs of your spouse and kids on your desk. Put on your wedding band. Stop the lunch time walk and talk. Put a call through to your spouse while the 3rd party is within earshot. He or she will get your message.

3. Take Responsibility (Both Partners)

Both partners must take responsibility. Consider those things you two should have done better e.g appreciating each other, giving each other more attention, spicing up your sex lives, surprise gifts etc.

Conclusion

If your spouse has had an emotional affair you need time to get past the pain and mistrust even after he must have apologised and promised never to do it again. You must come to the understanding that though he genuinely loves you, he is not immune from having an affair. This understanding is very important. It is this understanding that will help you treasure and greatly value each other. With time, you will begin to trust him again.

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Have you picked up your permanent voter cards (PVCs)?

The happenings on the political scene in the wake of the February elections bring to mind a tale that has been constantly re-told over the years.

There was once a powerful seer in a certain village. He had so much wisdom and powers that he could see into the past and even the future. News of his exploits soon spread to neighbouring villages and people came to him from far and near for solutions to their problems.

His exploits soon became a source of worry to other seers who had been in the trade long before him. They conspired to put him to test using the nza (a very tiny bird). The plan was to march to his house the following morning with the nza enclosed in someone’s palm. They would then ask him to tell them if the nza was dead or alive. If he said it was alive, the one holding the nza would simply squeeze life out of the bird; if he said it was dead, the seer holding the nza would let the bird fly to disprove him and show that he was not as powerful as claimed.

When the test was put to the powerful seer, he paused for a while, cast a slow glance at the group and said, “the life and death of the nza is in your hands, not mine”.

On radio, television, online social media, at roadside newspaper stands, in offices, homes, and public buses, I hear and read the endless rants and banters over the coming elections. Underlying these are deep-seated frustrations, pains, and yearnings of the people for a better Nigeria. Unfortunately, these emotionally charged conversations remain what they are- mere talk.

Until we become politically conscious enough to be bothered about those representing our wards, councils, constituencies, senatorial districts at the Federal, State and Local levels, we will continue to have the kind of Nigeria we are presently in. On a visit to my local government secretariat recently, I was alarmed at the many permanent voter cards (PVCs) lying at the INEC office in the local government secretariat. They are yet to be collected. These uncollected cards belong to the same people ranting day in day out. You will be amazed at the plethora of excuses they put up for not having picked up their cards. Is it not time we shunned political aparthy?

The quality of leaders we have will inform the quality of life we enjoy. Be wary of political jobbers who come with the same well-rehearsed phrases “good roads, good healthcare, economic development, security of lives and property, free education at all levels...” without clear roadmaps for achieving them. Chief Obafemi Awolowo wrote the book “Path to Nigerian Freedom” in 1947 even before he held any political office.

Check the profile of those seeking your votes. What are their ideologies? What developmental roles have they played in their respective communities before their political ambition? Beware of “cosmetic politicians”. Those who have lived all their lives abroad and in major Nigerian cities and are completely disconnected from the realities in the hinterlands. They spend the best part of their tenure figuring out what the needs of the people are while enriching themselves. They grope in the dark embarking on white elephant projects and awarding contracts that have no bearing on the people's lives. Before we know it another election year has come and the cycle continues.

Ask questions. Purge yourself of ethnic, religious and other primordial sentiments. Elect your leaders but while at it do not elect yourself into helplessness.

5minsmadness:
..

So, like, can I discuss my marital problems with an unattractive work friend?

see question . From experience, it is best to keep your marital problems out of the work place. There are other avenues you can explore if you want a solution to your problems. You can start by talking with your spouse. Most problems are better solved between you.

MarvellousGod:
Wonderful article. .. learnt something

I'm glad you learnt something.

There is a dangerous virus quietly eating up marriages today. It is called emotional infidelity. It is worse than sexual infidelity because a straying spouse may be having an affair without even knowing it. The ubiquitous nature of online social networking via bbm, watsapp, instagram, facebook, provides a safe meeting point and helps nurture such affairs.

A woman narrated her experience sometime ago. Her husband of seven years had become so aloof that he was no longer interested in sex. At first, she thought it was the pressure of work but later discovered that he had been involved in excessive chatting and texting with a particular female colleague. She was heartbroken even though there was nothing to show that they had been sexually involved.

The straying spouse lives in denial and under the misconception that infidelity only occurs where there is a sexual relationship. Most emotional affairs occur at work places especially where the work environment is less than perfect. It is soothing to have a work friend with whom one discusses the day to day frustrations. However, it is potentially dangerous if you find yourself discussing your marital problems with an attractive work friend of the opposite sex.

If you find yourself spending more time texting and chatting with this work friend even after office hours or you find yourself dressing up for him or her, looking forward to seeing him each day, you may be having an emotional affair.

Emotional infidelity drains you of the energy, time and resources that you should have channelled into your marriage to make it great.

Here are a few tips for preventing an emotional affair. It is best to nip it in the bud before it rears its head.

1.Be open about your marital status. Don't hesitate to drop hints whenever necessary in conversations simply to pass the message that you are "unavailable". You could have a small photograph of your spouse or kids on your desk if your office policy permits. You may also display family pictures on your social media pages.

2.Avoid discussing your marital problems with an attractive work friend of the opposite sex.

3.Shun all online social media activities once you are home. Spend quality time with your spouse. Be home both physically and emotionally.

For more interesting articles, stories and reviews visit www.bookconvo.com

Elections are coming now. It's all strategy

The Minister of Petroleum has just announced reduction in price of PMS from 97 naira per litre to 87 naira per litre. Source NTA News

As I was preparing for work one morning, I suddenly realised I had run out of sugar for the morning tea. I quickly dashed out to Mama Iyabo's shop, a small provision store down the street. The shop is a sort of succour in emergency situations such as this, not only to me but to other residents of the street. As dingy as it is, that shop has basic daily needs and is the home of Mama Iyabo, her husband and children. It opens as early as 5.00 am and closes as late as 12.00 midnight.

So on this fateful morning, I met the family outside the shop. After the usual "E karo" greetings, I requested for sugar. While waiting I suddenly overheard Baba Iyabo saying to himself, "I wish I had the sum of10 Million Naira now". That statement caught me off-guard. Then I probed, "Baba, what would you do with the money?". He replied "I will simply pack my things and head back to the village. I'm tired". I felt for him and wished I could tell him that money does not fall from the skies. I wish I could remind him of the popular saying that "He who counts money in his sleep should wake up and work harder to avert imminent hunger".

Story had it that he once worked in one of those defunct old generation banks in the '80s and commanded a lot of respect as he was financially buoyant at the time. He lived extravagantly lavishing money on women, throwing needless parties and lending money to people indiscriminately. Now he is in mid-fifties totally broke and living on his wife's meagre earnings.

That incident drew me into a realm of sober reflection and I believe it should also strike a chord in anyone who is serious about the future. In about 20 years I would be as old as Baba Iyabo. I don't want to end up like him. Though I do not throw needless parties or dress extravagantly, I believe there are aspects of spending I need to control.

Here's how you can maximise your resources this year for a secured future.

1. SAVE AS MUCH AS YOU CAN

The importance of saving can not be overemphasised. No matter how meagre your earnings or salary, you must create a savings window. The best way to save is to deduct your savings at source just as your employer deducts your taxes and cooperative dues even before you receive an alert. Your employer is oblivious of the fact that you have pressing needs and would make necessary deductions even without recourse to you. If you do not trust your ability to save as soon as you earn, talk to your bank. You can give your bank a mandate to deduct a certain sum of money each month to be credited into an another account with no withdrawal accessories like the ATM card.

2. CREATE ANOTHER STREAM OF INCOME

Just as it is important to save, it is equally important to create another stream of income. If your regular job is not so time consuming, you can think of other kinds of business you can engage in. However, I must sound a note of warning: NEVER ENGAGE IN ANY BUSINESS YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT, NO MATTER THE PROMISE OF RETURN. If it would involve another person managing the business for you and you'll only be a financier, do not venture. I'm talking from experience. In the alternative, you can consider investing in treasury bills, stocks, and real estate. The returns may not be huge but your saving is considerably safe. Consult professionals in this field for advice.

3. CUT BACK ON SPENDING

Someone once said "if you buy what you do not need today, you will borrow to buy what you need tomorrow". We are in an age where money is easily spent. On your computer screen, there are numerous ads from different online stores urging you to buy items you already own. They've made it so easy that payment can be made at the click of your mouse. Don't be carried away by an item's appeal. The message is this: IF YOU DO NOT NEED IT, DO NOT BUY IT. Also don't be shy to say no to friends and relations who come for financial aid especially when you strongly believe that the demand is frivolous. Show genuine concern by helping them explore alternative ways of solving their financial problems. Money is not the answer to all man's problems.

2015 is just beginning. You can make the necessary adjustments for a successful financial year. I strongly recommend the book "Richest Man in Babylon" by George Clason. For more interesting articles, visit www.bookstomydoor.com

As I was preparing for work one morning, I suddenly realised I had run out of sugar for the morning tea. I quickly dashed out to Mama Iyabo's shop, a small provision store down the street. The shop is a sort of succour in emergency situations such as this, not only to me but to other residents of the street. As dingy as it is, that shop has basic daily needs and is the home of Mama Iyabo, her husband and children. It opens as early as 5.00 am and closes as late as 12.00 midnight.

So on this fateful morning, I met the family outside the shop. After the usual "E karo" greetings, I requested for sugar. While waiting I suddenly overheard Baba Iyabo saying to himself, "I wish I had the sum of10 Million Naira now". That statement caught me off-guard. Then I probed, "Baba, what would you do with the money?". He replied "I will simply pack my things and head back to the village. I'm tired". I felt for him and wished I could tell him that money does not fall from the skies. I wish I could remind him of the popular saying that "He who counts money in his sleep should wake up and work harder to avert imminent hunger".

Story had it that he once worked in one of those defunct old generation banks in the '80s and commanded a lot of respect as he was financially buoyant at the time. He lived extravagantly lavishing money on women, throwing needless parties and lending money to people indiscriminately. Now he is in mid-fifties totally broke and living on his wife's meagre earnings.

That incident drew me into a realm of sober reflection and I believe it should also strike a chord in anyone who is serious about the future. In about 20 years I would be as old as Baba Iyabo. I don't want to end up like him. Though I do not throw needless parties or dress extravagantly, I believe there are aspects of spending I need to control.

Here's how you can maximise your resources this year for a secured future.

1. SAVE AS MUCH AS YOU CAN

The importance of saving can not be overemphasised. No matter how meagre your earnings or salary, you must create a savings window. The best way to save is to deduct your savings at source just as your employer deducts your taxes and cooperative dues even before you receive an alert. Your employer is oblivious of the fact that you have pressing needs and would make necessary deductions even without recourse to you. If you do not trust your ability to save as soon as you earn, talk to your bank. You can give your bank a mandate to deduct a certain sum of money each month to be credited into an another account with no withdrawal accessories like the ATM card.

2. CREATE ANOTHER STREAM OF INCOME

Just as it is important to save, it is equally important to create another stream of income. If your regular job is not so time consuming, you can think of other kinds of business you can engage in. However, I must sound a note of warning: NEVER ENGAGE IN ANY BUSINESS YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT, NO MATTER THE PROMISE OF RETURN. If it would involve another person managing the business for you and you'll only be a financier, do not venture. I'm talking from experience. In the alternative, you can consider investing in treasury bills, stocks, and real estate. The returns may not be huge but your saving is considerably safe. Consult professionals in this field for advice.

3. CUT BACK ON SPENDING

Someone once said "if you buy what you do not need today, you will borrow to buy what you need tomorrow". We are in an age where money is easily spent. On your computer screen, there are numerous ads from different online stores urging you to buy items you already own. They've made it so easy that payment can be made at the click of your mouse. Don't be carried away by an item's appeal. The message is this: IF YOU DO NOT NEED IT, DO NOT BUY IT. Also don't be shy to say no to friends and relations who come for financial aid especially when you strongly believe that the demand is frivolous. Show genuine concern by helping them explore alternative ways of solving their financial problems. Money is not the answer to all man's problems.

2015 is just beginning. You can make the necessary adjustments for a successful financial year. I strongly recommend the book "Richest Man in Babylon" by George Clason. Visit www.bookconvo.com

Funjosh:
Different communities with different culture. But this one look strange

Very strange I must confess. Fear gripped me when I heard it.

Oautce:
What a weird tradition....though interesting. Leaves the thought; what if the baby wasn't "theirs" ? Venom pumps into the innocent child ?

I seriously do not know what would have happened. I was too scared to even ask.

A woman gave a terrifying account of what she witnessed some years back and that story held me spellbound. I thought I should share.

It was one of those days during my maternity leave. My baby was sleeping after the usual morning bath so I quickly stepped out to see my next door neighbour (a hairdresser) to book an appointment, leaving the baby in the care of my mum who had come for the omugwo (post pregnancy care for a new mother and her baby). My neighbour’s salon was always very busy and I hated waiting in line to have my hair done.

I was surprised she was not in a hurry to leave for the salon. She explained it was a Thursday, a sanitation day for shop owners in Lagos, hence she would not be leaving until 10a.m. In her living room was a middle-aged woman who lived down the street and whom I believed had come for the same purpose. We weren’t close but we exchanged pleasantries all the same. “Eku ewu omo”, she said congratulating me on the birth of my baby. Then as it is the practice among women, she opened her arsenal of post-natal advice stressing the importance of hot water bath for a new mother. “I know of women who have the cold water bath each morning in line with age-long family tradition”, my neighbour interrupted. So they started discussing some weird after-birth traditions like eating bland meals (meals without oil, salt or pepper), giving the new mother well-prepared lizard meat with or without out her knowledge. Some of these I had heard before and thought had been overtaken by civilisation.

Just when I thought I had heard enough, my neighbour’s guest shared an experience which she said left her in shock for months. She witnessed the incident in one of those ancient ancestral homes on Lagos Island. She recalled she was in her late teens at the time and worked as a tailor apprentice on the Island. News came that Aduke, a co-apprentice who got pregnant out of wedlock had put to bed. She and another apprentice planned to pay her a congratulatory visit.

When they got to Aduke’s house, they were told she had moved to the baby daddy’s family house in preparation for the naming ceremony. They got the new address and went in search of the family house. On getting there, they were excited to see their friend and the new baby. They greeted an elderly woman (the baby daddy’s mom) who was sitting on a chair directly opposite the bed on which the baby was laid. There were some other women in the room, all relations of the baby daddy. After some minutes, the elderly woman told them that the family was expecting a very important guest and they could leave if they wanted to. They did not see the need to leave. They had just arrived and the room was big enough to seat more guests.

Shortly after, the elderly woman broke out in a loud voice chanting what seemed like an oriki (praise chant). In a twinkle of an eye they saw a huge snake coming in through the door which had been opened since their arrival. Both apprentices screamed in shock gripping each other and raising their feet from the floor. I also screamed when she got to this point in her narrative.

The elderly woman continued her chant referring to the snake as their ancestral father who had the ability to unravel all mysteries. In a swift move, the snake climbed the bed, moving its tongue all over the baby’s body. It wagged its tail at intervals in response to the chant and then curled beside the newborn. The poor baby was screaming. All the while, Aduke clasped her face with both hands. She could not bear to look at the scene.

Having finished its mission, the snake descended and went through the door in the same manner it had come. The elderly woman then lifted the baby chanting his oriki. His paternity had been proved. He was their child. Both apprentices scurried out of the house leaving their slippers (which they had kept at the door on entry) behind.

For a long time, she avoided visiting friends who had just put to bed. It was in the course of narrating the story to her mates at the tailor shop that she was told there had been dispute over the paternity of the baby. The baby daddy and his family had insisted on the snake rite to prove paternity. Aduke had obliged to avoid being mocked for having a bastard.

The story leaves me wondering why any woman in her right senses would go that far to prove a point. What happened to DNA testing? Are there similar post-natal or other weird practices in your culture? Let’s hear your views.

This is a true life story. The name Aduke is however fictitious.

For more stories and book reviews visit www.bookconvo.com

A woman gave a terrifying account of what she witnessed some years back and that story held me spellbound. I thought I should share.

It was one of those days during my maternity leave. My baby was sleeping after the usual morning bath so I quickly stepped out to see my next door neighbour (a hairdresser) to book an appointment, leaving the baby in the care of my mum who had come for the omugwo (post pregnancy care for a new mother and her baby). My neighbour’s salon was always very busy and I hated waiting in line to have my hair done.

I was surprised she was not in a hurry to leave for the salon. She explained it was a Thursday, a sanitation day for shop owners in Lagos, hence she would not be leaving until 10a.m. In her living room was a middle-aged woman who lived down the street and whom I believed had come for the same purpose. We weren’t close but we exchanged pleasantries all the same. “Eku ewu omo”, she said congratulating me on the birth of my baby. Then as it is the practice among women, she opened her arsenal of post-natal advice stressing the importance of hot water bath for a new mother. “I know of women who have the cold water bath each morning in line with age-long family tradition”, my neighbour interrupted. So they started discussing some weird after-birth traditions like eating bland meals (meals without oil, salt or pepper), giving the new mother well-prepared lizard meat with or without out her knowledge. Some of these I had heard before and thought had been overtaken by civilisation.

Just when I thought I had heard enough, my neighbour’s guest shared an experience which she said left her in shock for months. She witnessed the incident in one of those ancient ancestral homes on Lagos Island. She recalled she was in her late teens at the time and worked as a tailor apprentice on the Island. News came that Aduke, a co-apprentice who got pregnant out of wedlock had put to bed. She and another apprentice planned to pay her a congratulatory visit.

When they got to Aduke’s house, they were told she had moved to the baby daddy’s family house in preparation for the naming ceremony. They got the new address and went in search of the family house. On getting there, they were excited to see their friend and the new baby. They greeted an elderly woman (the baby daddy’s mom) who was sitting on a chair directly opposite the bed on which the baby was laid. There were some other women in the room, all relations of the baby daddy. After some minutes, the elderly woman told them that the family was expecting a very important guest and they could leave if they wanted to. They did not see the need to leave. They had just arrived and the room was big enough to seat more guests.

Shortly after, the elderly woman broke out in a loud voice chanting what seemed like an oriki (praise chant). In a twinkle of an eye they saw a huge snake coming in through the door which had been opened since their arrival. Both apprentices screamed in shock gripping each other and raising their feet from the floor. I also screamed when she got to this point in her narrative.

The elderly woman continued her chant referring to the snake as their ancestral father who had the ability to unravel all mysteries. In a swift move, the snake climbed the bed, moving its tongue all over the baby’s body. It wagged its tail at intervals in response to the chant and then curled beside the newborn. The poor baby was screaming. All the while, Aduke clasped her face with both hands. She could not bear to look at the scene.

Having finished its mission, the snake descended and went through the door in the same manner it had come. The elderly woman then lifted the baby chanting his oriki. His paternity had been proved. He was their child. Both apprentices scurried out of the house leaving their slippers (which they had kept at the door on entry) behind.

For a long time, she avoided visiting friends who had just put to bed. It was in the course of narrating the story to her mates at the tailor shop that she was told there had been dispute over the paternity of the baby. The baby daddy and his family had insisted on the snake rite to prove paternity. Aduke had obliged to avoid being mocked for having a bastard.

The story leaves me wondering why any woman in her right senses would go that far to prove a point. What happened to DNA testing? Are there similar post-natal or other weird practices in your culture? Let’s hear your views.

This is a true life story. The name Aduke is however fictitious.

For more stories and reviews, please visit www.bookconvo.com

so sad. My hubby once served in this town and made quite a number of friends among the indigenes. They were so hospitable that he didn't bother to come home throughout his service year. They are mostly beans farmers. No wonder the price of beans has gone up in the market.

Participate in the bookconvo January book quiz and stand a chance to win a book prize.

Question:
This book is an autobiography written in the form of a letter. It is set in one of the West African countries. It was first written in French and tells the story of two friends and their husbands. Name the book and its author.

To answer visit www.bookconvo.com