₦airaland Forum

Yes you can! I asked a similar question before on Nairaland and got very useful tips. Here's the thing.

1. Businesses are established not only for financial profits (cash) but also for economic profits (non-cash), which may be to provide employment ur sister, or to make name, etc. establish which one is more important to you.
2. If you live outside Nigeria never hire a family member or relative to run your business.
3. Don't hire anyone who come to you advertising him/herself or begging for jobs
4. Hire people through a thorough interview process like a real company does. They'll respect the job more.
5. Do not pay salaries. Share the risks by paying only commissions (usually 10% on sales, or about 40% on profits.
6. Commission on sales is more motivating for hard-working people
7. U can also pay a base + commission. Anyone who cannot live on commission is not business-minded. Afterall the owner lives on profit only
8. Have a Bank account with a Microfinance bank (they help small businesses more) not a commercial bank
9. Every dime made must be paid into the bank (and withdrawn if needed)to build cash-flows in case you need loan some day. they should take picturess of bank slips and receipts of purchases and BBM u immediately the transaction is done.
10. Use BBM to stay connected and on top of business. BBM can transmit instant pictures of events & real-time chats as if you are there.
11. Be ruthless, professional, and out rightly non-sense with Nigerians. A lot of fraudulent crappy people out there.
12. You may take a bank loan to share the risk with a local bank, and let part of the loan be management TA (technical assistance), so the bank can provide their own manager to run the bakery professionally as a partner.
13. Another option is to rent out the bakery to a baker who pays you a flat fee every month, just like you will rent out a house you built to a tenant.
14. Every receipt must have the seller's or buyer's phone number on it (not hand-written). make random calls each month to audit or confirm transactions. If they know you call sellers and buyers, they will shape up.
15. Be patient! A business setup in January is not supposed to be making profit by now o!. It usually takes about a year or more to make profits.
16. On marketing use established re-sellers who buy in bulk and pay cash- Supermarkets, bread sellers, restaurants, shops, etc. Don't sell directly to people yet.
17. Please, please, please, hire a lady as a manager, preferably an educated married lady with kids. That's the only thing that works in Nigeria. They may be slow, but at least they won't loot your funds.

18. Ok having said all this. Please fire your sister now if she's not performing. Give her N350k gift to start her life somewhere

All the luck.

baby_123: Anyone can be whoever they want to be on NL. You are definitely a hater, and someone without much from your write up. You try to point out hypocrisy, I am just pointing out yours? Angry? You seem like the angry one with badluck. Read your post again. When you point one finger, the other four are pointing right back at you. Stop hating, appreciate. Life can only get better.

Mcheeww!!... other contributions please!...so as I was talking......

baby_123: Typical envious and jealousy person rationalizations. Don't face your life and try to make it better. Someone owns a house, can get a loan to buy it, and is far ahead of you in managing their finances. You are at home in your parents house, jobless and yet to start out in life. Can't even get a loan to buy a shoe. Your parents probably have to die before you own a home.To totally own the home, you may have to eliminate some of your siblings sef. And you have mouth to come and write all this story. Mtscheew! Step your game up jare, stop making excuses about your life. You would only settle for average with that mentality.

You are always angry, too reactionary in your posts. Hope it's well? Read my other threads, I pay people salaries both in USA and Nigeria. To God's glory I don't lack in any way, as you insinuate..but let that glory go to God who made it possible. The point of the thread is not about what you have and don't have. But to remind us all that no one is perfect. We all have issues (open or secret). If one of the pints pinched u, Sorry oo! I didn't mean to open your old wounds.

jidegirl12: @OP nice post , #6 cracked me up

Yeah your #3 is kinda flawed , not everybody pay mortgage / car loan like you sir , on a second thought even if you have mortgage and you die with a good life insurance coverage , your family will pay off the mortgage / loans and still have lot left to spend,

But life insurance does not contribute to a living person's wealth or Networth. It's money paid to beneficiaries when the person is already dead. How does he or she benefit from it? The lesson is simple "All Lizards lie prostrate....." (You can finish it up) according to African adage. A big tommy sometimes is only full of smelly sh**t

akintun: Ur third point is a little bit flawed.

But wealth is measured by Nethworth (Assets - Liabilities)..Economics! Do you accept that? So how do you dispute No.3? It's just a sad reality for many people like me who live abroad that our Networth is negative. If some of us die today, we leave debts for relatives. It doesn't matter if we drove a Land-Rover on loan. It's a liability because it doesn't yield returns or dividends.

How can anyone claim he or she is better? 1).A married woman who filed divorce in UK or USA to use her kids to win child support payments is no better than a woman at Edo state who sent her daughter into prositution. Both used their children for 'money rituals' and should be ashamed. 2). A father in UK or USA who fakes business trips only to meet his mistresses every now and then is no better than the man at Lagos who has mistresses everywhere in town. Both are shameless adulterers. 3). If you make $70,000 a year in USA and owe $250,000 in debts (mortgages, loans, etc) your networth is negative $180,000. Please don't laugh at a salesgirl at Lagos who makes only N15,000 a month, has a savings account of N12,000 but owes noone. Her Networth is a positive N12,000. 4). You had 3 secret abortions but lashing out at a poor pregnant teen girl as wayward - huh? She kept hers, you killed yours. Who's a better sinner between two of you? 5). You've been sacked by two companies for fraud and squandered every help given to you to start your life over, now you are unemployed saying Nigeria is a difficult place to live- maybe you are a difficult person to change...nothing do Nigeria, na you jare! 6). Now you're 36yreas, have found Jesus and disturbing everyone with sermons on facebook because you can't find a husband-everything to you is '666', 'Illuminati', 'end-time', etc. But people who knew you in your 20's on campus said you were hot, never went to church and changed sugar daddies like tooth pick. Na God u wan fool now? 7). You are married and your husband dey hammer you with belt everyday, please how are you better than a single woman wey dey sleep sound for her bed every night? . You man nko wey go do ritual get money, now u no fit sleep in the big house you built, you live in a hotel 24/7 with girls because fear no gree you sleep alone, na wetin dey chase u? Go ya house go chop money na!! 9).See pastor who entered USA with visitor's visa, left his wife in naija, did fake marriage, & slept with Akata woman to get greencard is preaching to me o..haa! See me see wahala o! Return your greencard first na, and accept Christ! Yeye man!..LoLoLoL!!

My people, I tire for yeye people ooooo! Nobody better pass nobody for this world. If you dey shine, na because dem never catch you. Make una leave me hand jare. I no bad pass after all....LoLoLoLoL!!

A friend recently relocated to Canada but owned a small shop at Lagos, where he sold family supplies. A family member he left the shop to manage recently told him she wants to look for an office job. He doesn't want to either close down the shop or sell it off becauase he already has established suppliers who ship items to him.

He phoned me for advice and I promised to seek counsel from Nairalanders.

1. How can he keep this shop running while in Canada without being cheated?
2. Any advice on what type of arrangement or agreement he can get into with someone resident at Lagos to keep the shop running in a sustainable manner?

He doesn't want to do business with family members to avoid family feuds.

searchcorp: You see, there are different classes of people in Nigeria, its not my fault if the op is surrounded by people who beg (whichever class they belong to), me and my friends in Nigeria are hardworking set of people, as a matter of fact, i have invited white friends i meet abroad in conferences to come over and have some fun in nigeria, i am an ibo boy and i have relatives who didnt go to school, they all have businesses they do, they dont go around begging people for money.

We are a people of great self worth! i sincerely dont understand what the op is saying.... Plus, if the op is smart enough then she doesnt need nairalanders to teach her how to raise her kids. (well, maybe her kids are already showing beggarly symptoms)

My friend must u boast and brag about who you are to get your point accross on a small issue like this? People who have it like Dangote and Adenuga cannot be on Nairaland by 1:57am posting comments...Kind of very childish! Absolute turnoff!... Mcheeeeww!!!

I am considering going into real-estate development in Nigeria on a small scale(building and selling). But considering the high cost of roofing these days in Nigeria what advice will you give someone about roofing a 3 bedroom bungalow on cutting down the costs and still getting a quality job:

1. What's the advantage of using 'long span' over the so-called Cameroon Zinc?
2. Any idea how much it may cost to roof a 3 bedroom bungalow with a long span (including wood, and labour). Just a recent rough estimate of a similar project.

Thanks for your useful contribution.

dayokanu: Hey Tpia I missed you

How was your long weekend?

Can I spank you?

My friend you just derailed the thread, you and your friends simply turned it into some personal beer-parlor discussions. I thought some kind of personal discussions belong to phone texts, BBMs, and personal messages. Some serious-minded people were following the thread and making useful contributions, but you just turned them off. I don't think that's fair to people who want to use this forum to get useful information. I did'nt want to report the posts, but just wanted to draw ur attention.

dayokanu: You want to help single women to have children and yet you want the men who were just HELPING OUT to pay for it. Men don suffer ooo.

This is an attempt to redirect us back to the questions. the thread is almost being derailed by personal assumptions. In simple terms this were the issues:

1. Should a bigman who give poor teenage girl belle be forced to support the girl to finish her school instead of abandoning her to fate?
2. If that poor girl choose to born the baby than do abortion, should we have a law that make that baby officially the man's baby so the baby go get some share of the bigman money when he die (inheritance for out of wedlock kids)? because me come feel say dat baby na him baby o like any other.
3. As men come bone to marry say dem no get money, and women who want to marry come full everywhere, what advice we go fit give these women wey don dey old small-small but dem no fit find husband? some of them want pikin like die o & dem no wan adopt. They wan born!

Question 3 is not asking for support. but Nigerian society still hasn't accepted single parenthood. Don't forget in USA there are laws to accommodate all this three issues.- they have child support, they recognize single parents (so men don't have to be polygamous), and in USA your child is your child whether out of wedlock or not.

tpia@:
so, you're saying majority of igbo prostitutes, are in the business because they have out of wedlock kids?
ok, i'll take your word for it.
you mean to say very few of the prostitutes are not unmarried mothers. as per polygamy, did you really come on a nigerian site to inform people [nigerians] polygamy is practiced in nigeria? seriously, where do they find you folks.

or is you simply want to inform us you're "dating" a married man. or you're taking on more wives. Na your business nah, are you picking up the wives on nl or you need to open a thread in dating section to solicit.

Ok the thread is gradually being watered down to assumptions in your mind rather than the 3 different questions I asked. I am tired of trying to redirect people over and over to what the questions were. Not sure you read the original posts at all.

1). I am a man, and nowhere in my contributions suggests I am a woman (that's just your assumption. Wrong!!)
2). The topic is not about Igbo prostitutes whether they are married or not (non of my business). So let's not derail the topic to tribal issues. Some Igbo people may feel insulted.
3). I didn't ever say anywhere in the post that Nigerians should be polygamous. You've been trying to veer the thread towards that for some reason (again that's your own suggestions, not mine).

In my next response I will try to redirect us back to the questions again please.

tpia@:
^ are you nigerian?

where in nigeria are you seeing women who couldnt get married because they had kids from a previous relationship?

you seem to be dreaming, seriously, but if you have facts to back up your assertion, post the links here.

maybe in your area, that's how it is? this last post of yours is totally weird.

even weirder than your opening one.

Which part is weired so I can clarify?

1.Definitely Nigeria fought a civil war. That can't be disputed.
2.Yeah in Igbo land it's a taboo for a girl to give birth out of wedlock. They are usually withdrawn from school, sent away from their homes, and abandoned. Most of them migrate to urban cities to work as prostitutes. Only few survive it to become successful later (Ask questions please).
3.Let me rephrase it: Polygamy is not illegal in Nigeria bc Muslim faith allow men to marry upto 3 wives. Nigeria is 50%/50% Christian/muslim. Most practices in Nigeria accommodate both beliefs. Moreover, local traditions and customs allow men to be polygamous though churches condemn this practices. - FACTS!

Trust me, there are many things I hate in this world but what I think and want doesn't matter anyway because I don't own this world..I guess it applies to many people out there

coogar: 1. that was in the dark age.......we are in the 21st century. you cannot force polygamy on the menfolk because women can't find husbands.....

2. ..but there was no civil war that wiped half of the nigerian male population away.

3. i don't buy such excuse that a woman cannot find a husband....

1. I am not advocating for polygamy. I am only advocating for equal rights for kids born out of wedlock ( they are human beings too). Were whites right by discriminating against blacks in those days bc they looked different? I also want to address the dilema of young girls whose progress practically 'end' bc they got pregnant, while the man responsible moves on with his life and eventually marry a fresh girl.

I googled and you may be shocked that polygamy is already legal in Nigeria (i guess because of the Muslim population). Also the official age of consent (when a girl can be married) in Nigeria is 12years .

2. About civil war, yea Nigeria did fight a bloody civil war between 1968 - 1970. The Igbos lost 2mil people in the war mostly young men/children (please don't discuss this here. It's a very touchy and emotional issue to some people. I don't want to scratch healed wounds).

3. Yeah there are women who can't get married in Nigeria not because they are choosy. Ladies who had babies out of wedlock find it difficult (They are treated as wayward). Some churches too don't allow their members to marry outside the church. Generally also there are fewer eligible bachelors due to unemployment/economic hardship. Even bible says "a man who cannot feed his family is worse than an infidel"

coogar: polygamy is the only effective way of helping the leftovers but then it puts the pressure back on the first wives. a once happy home would become broken and this degenerates and the society would have to bear the brunt of the menace from broken homes. it's a lose-lose situation. things should be left the way they are unless the government can provide welfare for all and sundry like most advanced countries!

Hmmm! You can imagine if Martin Luther king (Jr) didn't champion the non-violent fight for civil rights, blacks would not be voting in USA today, Obama would not have been elected President. It took more than 50yrs for some people to realize he was right, and they were wrong.

Sometimes I wonder why we have so many churches, mosques and religious people in Nigeria yet we have set world record on every immoral thing. The reason is bc we try to wish away our problems. After the genocide in Rwanda that nearly wiped their male population away, and left many young women as widows with no means to feed their kids, President Paul Kagame, on national TV begged men who can afford it, to take in the young widows as wives bc the govt couldn't afford to take care of them. Some men heeded that plea. Otherwise all those widows would have turned lovepeddlers and home wreckers. Any surprise that Rwanda is one of the fastest growing African economies (not because of that) but because they proffer feasible and practical solutions to their problems. If you are happily married, you may not appreciate what a 43yrs old women who can't find a husband but wants to be a mother is going through. Let's not pretend that some of them are mistresses to so many married men...that a wife doesn't see it doesn't mean it's not going on.

jidegirl12: Bigheart.... Please clarify ^^^.... Maybe I'm changing the purpose of this Topic like @slimyem said

Here are the questions again:

1.Should Nigerian states have laws to protect single parents, and girls who have babies out of wedluck, such that such kids must have right of inheritance to their ‘father’s wealth/property same as the man’s other kids from a marriage to encourage women who wish and choose to be single parents?

2. Should Nigerian men who get unmarried girls pregnant be forced to provide them support/ maintenance through the pregnancy period, and financial support (including housing) for the baby to discourage the high level or illegal abortions in Nigeria?

3. Where a wife does not violently object (like in most Muslim households, and among traditionalist men, or even Christians who may see nothing wrong with it), should a man marry a second or third wife as long as those wives are legal? This can be achieved by allowing customary courts or traditional rulers issue marriage certificates if a man can present proof of dowry payment and the lady’s parental consent, so that those who can’t wed in churches because of doctrines of monogamy can still legally marry women they love than cheat and keep them as mistresses.

ihedioramma: MY BROTHER DONT MAKE OTHER PEOPLE SIN BECOS OF UR WORLDS. DONT MAKE PEOPLE SIN BECOS OF THERE PROBLEM SO THAT GOD WILL NOT BE ANGRY WITH U .

I applaud your approach and solutions to life problems. Please keep it up! I also want to tell you that if you buy bread from a man and he uses the money u paid him to pay Ashawo (prostitute)..you indirectly paid for the Ashawo and made him to sin. God will be terribly angry with you. So stop buying bread from men. Same thing if you save your money in a bank that gives loans to breweries. You are the one funding the production & distribution of Alcohol in Nigeria. You need to stop saving money in a bank now; put it under your pillow. otherwise God will judge you.

jidegirl12: We know... OP is talking bout support for these women. A kind of law that obligates paternal fathers to care for these children and be involved .

Right Bigheart?

Yes @jidegirl12. you got it right. men who get them pregnant should be made to support them. That way they don't have to risk illegal abortions bc they are worried about their future. We have that system in most civilized societies.

The discussion is a bit too advanced (if not complicated) for some minds if the only bases they have to justify life issues is religion and morals. It's like same-se.x marriage debate in Europe and USA. People who interpret a marriage based on having se,x have problems with it because they have problems with people of same gender having se,x with one another. But those who interpret marriage based on 'love' btw two people don't see anything wrong with a woman falling in love with a fellow woman and choosing to live with her for life ( a bit complicated).

If you attend a church in Nigeria the population of eligible single females to eligible single males is about 3:1. It’s obvious the eligible men won’t go round the eligible females. So what will happen to the aspirations of single ladies who can't get husbands but wish to experience the pain of pregnancy, and the joy or motherhood by having a baby that looks like them someday? They may resort to sharing men with married women as mistresses, or worse still breakup homes hoping men will divorce their wives and marry them. Even ladies who don’t want to marry but need to service their libidos as human beings will resort to promiscuity, lovepeddling, one-night-stands, which we know are unhealthy.

I want to ask the following questions:

1.Should Nigerian states have laws to protect single parents, and girls who have babies out of wedluck, such that such kids must have right of inheritance to their ‘father’s wealth/property same as the man’s other kids from a marriage to encourage women who wish and choose to be single parents?

2. Should Nigerian men who get unmarried girls pregnant be forced to provide them support/ maintenance through the pregnancy period, and financial support (including housing) for the baby to discourage the high level or illegal abortions in Nigeria?

3. Where a wife does not violently object (like in most Muslim households, and among traditionalist men, or even Christians who may see nothing wrong with it), should a man marry a second or third wife as long as those wives are legal? This can be achieved by allowing customary courts or traditional rulers issue marriage certificates if a man can present proof of dowry payment and the lady’s parental consent, so that those who can’t wed in churches because of doctrines of monogamy can still legally marry women they love than cheat and keep them as mistresses.

The alternatives are wrecked homes, divorces, cheating spouses, STDs, heartbreaks, promiscuity (as it’s now in Nigeria), young girls aborting babies so they can impress churches and society, desperation to get married and fit at all cost, etc.

Please don't come up with the usual fable religious rhetoric without feasible practical solutions to life’s problems that has ruined Africa. It's like criticizing science, where it doesn’t favor what you believe in, yet use cell phones, cars, TVs, etc (products of same science research). Same as Boko Haram that doesn’t want western education but use cars, guns, and phones (all products of western education). Absolute prejudice and mediocrity!

If an unmarried lady wants a baby, and can’t find a husband; she’s approaching menopause and desperate, what practical solutions does she have?

Hehehehehe! Someone should calm me down o! I am about to type my own angry email to someone now...hehehehe! See the text I just got from someone in Nigeria today:

"..guess u've bn bizzy. dont understand u diz days. anyway sha my rent will xpire in March, & I fink I'v outgrown dis one rm. need somthing mor spacious. Will appreciate ur help anyhow. lagos is tof now..."

My people Should I send my own angry email? help me word it same thing here too. she is born-again, and refuses to roll over in bed. I probably have sent a shipload of gifts and Indian weave to lagos since we started dating.. LoLoL!!! but I in my case I'll like to marry her. But sometimes i feel like why would a sweet born-again girl like my girlfriend ask for all this expensive, worldly material things? hehehehe! I am typing the email o..LoLolol!

chaircover: You cant have your cake and eat it.

You either take money from a man and be at his mercy and beck and call or you live within your means no matter how little and you raise your head up high.

I dont know where all this a man must buy me weave and phonecard came from. God help me if I came home with something that my parents hadnt bought for me. I was doing biz and making my own money in higher institution. Women should stop selling themselves for bits of horse hair. We are worth a lot more than that.

@chaircover, Gbam!! On point. In fact, 12 gbozaas!! for u in the air (with den gun please), as we say in school in those days. I love women of integrity! Pikins don spoil finish! - they want $350 black berry, they want help with rent, they want Brazil hair ($250), they want to attend J'Lo's concert ($150), yet they claim born-again when the man taps them on the bed to roll over. Born-agains are not supposed to be materialistic! I have one like that in Nigeria now milking me dry yet nothing for me

In fact 3 more gbozaaas for @chaircover (this time with double barrel).

baby_123: OP

You again!? Go back to the wahala thread you opened some questions are waiting for you there. Not even going to get sucked into this one

yes

2ru-talk:
Stop abusing the young man. He is telling you the real fact. Landlords/landladies in Lagos State in connivance with greedy agents are capitalizing on the scarcity/high cost of housing in Lagos State to punish the poor masses. This January alone I have spent close to one million naira on rent renewal because of the same flimsy reason you are giving, later you and your agent will look for a higher bidder to give the same house you claimed you were going to sell or renovate. I will advise you to do what is right. Money is not everything. The man's prayer can put you in a serious trouble if all the excuses you are giving are later found to be false. Have a rethink please.

Sorry to hear your predicament. I went through that too. That's one of the reason's I took loan and built my own house. But a property is an investment by an owner's sweat, and money for his/her personal goals (most times using a bank loan). Any other sentiments you attach to it is on you. It's no different from buying a car and giving it to a friend to use for his wedding and return. He shouldn't fight you when you ask for the car back no matter how he liked the car, neither should you violate his rights because he 'borrowed' your car. Well the house in question is not even in Lagos. I appreciate the problems in Nigeria but we should get away from the mindset that someone is either always out to get us, or someone owes us comfort. People are pursuing their own goals with their money.

nony30: I personally think ‎u are a wicked man and deserve •̸№ mercy.For •̸№ gud reason ‎u want τ̲̅ȍ evict d poor man when he has •̸№t even defaulted payment just becos someone is offering you higher.well sorry τ̲̅ȍ tell ‎u that d least ‎u will give him is 6 months after expiration of his agreement and then he will take ‎u τ̲̅ȍ rent tribunal where Į̸̸̨ƭ will be discovered he hasn't defaulted cos every thing is in his favour and then d court adjournment will give him another one year in court without rent and ‎u will be found wanting,then he will sue ‎u for damages and spend five yrs in d house making Į̸̸̨ƭ six yrs •̸№ rent for ‎u.This is my prayer for ‎u wicked soul!!

Prophet, did you read anywhere on the post that someone is offering me higher? I thought educated people make conclusions based on available facts?

I don't need the advice of Soothsayers and Mind-readers..that's how you guys ruin the economy, businesses, and people's lives in Nigeria, through brainless reactionary assumptions that are not based on facts. I am more afraid of people like you who label gifted kids 'Witches', every wealthy man as 'ritualist', every natural disaster is caused by demons, witches and wizards yet they make decisions for families, businesses, and the country. Please get the facts clear before u rush into street-man's bla bla bla. For your info I stated that I need the house for 'Personal Use'. In English language that means the owner wants to live there. That's why I built it. I just want to be legal and not infringe on the rights of the tenant.

Ezeed: What's the term of the tenancy? Yearly,6months, or monthly? Again, when did the tenancy commence? I mean the exact date.
These will determine the lenght of the notice you'd be giving him, so help with the answers, and I'l get back to you.

They moved in about 6 years ago, they paid the usual 2 years in advance when they moved in, but started paying annually after 2 years. Their 2012 rent will expire next month. Yes they did some repairs, which I gave them credit through rent subtraction.

I want to give an eviction notice to my tenant who is renting a bungalow from me this month. I want to recover the house for personal use in a few months. I envisage he might resist the move. It’s a residential house currently occupied by a family of 6. I did mention it to him verbally last year.

Does anyone know what the Nigerian Tenancy law says about eviction notices –

1. How many months notice am I required to give a tenant?
2. Is he required to pay me rents during the period?
3. Can I simply evict him at the end of this year’s agreement (February)
4. What actions he might take if he feels aggrieved (petition right groups/ govt, court injunctions, etc)?
5. What loopholes do tenants usually explore in the law that I need to watch out for?

I will appreciate we focus on the issues on the thread. I do not want to break the law or get locked in a lengthy court battle especially.

I want to give an eviction notice to my tenant who is renting a bungalow from me this month. I want to recover the house for personal use in a few months. I envisage he might resist the move. It’s a residential house currently occupied by a family of 6. I did mention it to him verbally last year.

Does anyone know what the Nigerian Tenancy law says about eviction notices –

1. How many months notice am I required to give a tenant?
2. Is he required to pay me rents during the period?
3. Can I simply evict him at the end of this year’s agreement (February)
4. What actions he might take if he feels aggrieved (petition right groups/ govt, court injunctions, etc)?
5. What loopholes do tenants usually explore in the law that I need to watch out for?

I will appreciate we focus on the issues on the thread. I do not want to break the law or get locked in a lengthy court battle especially.

Woged2005: Some Nigerian pastors honestly do more harm to marriages (some are be good). A woman is supposed to be loyal to her husband not to a pastor. It's called 'Emotional Infidelity'. Sorry, I wont recommend any spiritual stuff on this.

Supported and right on point. If a husband tells his white wife he'd like her to dress sexier in the house to improve romance, the white lady will happily share with her friends "wow he suddenly started paying attention to me..". She will hit Victoria's Secret and upgrade her wardrobe-problem fixed in 2 days. Romances commences. On the other hand, most Nigerian women will accuse their husbands of infidelity, say he's possessed by a demon, he's having a spiritual wife, etc. They will call their church members, invite a pastor. The pastor will speak in tongues, see visions, prophesy more doom (never a good prophesy), schedule prayer sessions, ask her to sow seed, pay tithes, then scatter. The wife begins to see her husband as demon-possesed. the marriage scatters. They blame the devil and relatives....hahahahahaha! Crazy people!! How come pastors don't see visions of winning lottery numbers for their church members, so that members will hit the Megamillion?

I am a serious mind and don't wish to get into fables with petty people here. Everyone has his/her class (no insults)

@OP, I researched your case, and here's the advice from a very seasoned US-based lawyer on how to settle this problem without hurting the kids

1. Both parties must wait till the restraining order expires or vacated (usually one year). Absolutely no contacts before then.
2. contact a mediator both parties will trust (usually someone independent. A trusted clergy can serve)
3. He should find out from the man what type of visitation he will like with his Kids (No court in USA can deny a man visitation with his kids)
4. Communicate to his wife what visitation he wants (continue this process until both parties agree on something)
5. The lady should ask her lawyer to put the agreement into a 'Consent order'. They should also be firm with the lawyer to do what they (parties) want not what the lawyer wants. Lawyers usually want the case to keep going by fueling it so they get paid.
6. If the lawyer is not cooperating, fire him/her and use a pro-bono or another lawyer
7. both should Sign the consent agreement and file it in court. It becomes legal and official. Visitation/child support is established amicably.

His advise on how an aggrieved woman can separate without hurting her kids:

2. Start a discussion with your husband, get a house and plan to move out and tell him the date. To avoid violence u can temporarily stay at a friend's house, and meet at neutral grounds.
2. Agree on what you will take from the house (car, property, kids' favorite toys, etc)
3. Have a discussion about custody/visitation that's best for your kids interest. Most men will let the woman keep the kids as long as they can visit the kids. 4. Once you have agreement. Have a lawyer to calculate the child support for both of u
5. The lawyer draws a consent agreement, which both of you will sign and file in court.

The separation, custody and child support becomes legal and official.

You don't need court cases that wastes money on legal fees. Smart people don't.

Please Nigeria has very effective divorce settlememt and child support laws. people seldom use it.

Nigerians are smarter when it comes to raising families. We don't see courts as best places to decide the future of our children. A couple usually stay together for the sake of their kids even when the marriage is not working. You may see a milder form of separation where the husband lives and works at Abuja, and his wife and kids reside at say Enugu. The kids can visit their dad during holidays, and the man can visit his family at Enugu, he continues to pay the rents and provide food and clothing until the kids become adults. That's a better way to than involving lawyers. If you don't want to stay married, that's a personal decision. Why destroy lives bc of that as people do in US in the name of Divorce. some Ignorant Africans simply abuse and misuse the divorce process in US thereby hurting their kids.

If you don't wanna stay married

1. Start a discussion with your husband, get a house and plan to move out and tell him the date.
2. Agree on what you will take from the house (car, property, kids' favorite toys, etc)
3. Have a discussion about custody/visitation that's best for your kids interest. most men will let the woman keep the kids as long as they can visit the kids. 4. Once you have agreement have a lawyer draw a consent agreement, which both of you will sign and file in court.
The separation, custody and child support becomes official.

You don't need court cases that wastes money on legal fees. Smart people don't.

Ujujoan: I agree . . . . teach the woman a lesson if you must, not the kids for God's sake!
Who do you think has more to lose here? The woman probably is better off without her husband but are the kids better off without their fathers?
Trying to punish a woman through her kids (who are his too by the way) is just plain irresponsible for a father!

Read the OP's comment well. The lady in question has a restraining order against her husband..ask a US-based lawyer what the implication is. US courts don't act on sentiments or emotions that he's a desperate father trying to show love to his kids..This is not Nigeria. The law works in USA. If he ever makes any attempt to contact his wife even if it's to ask about the kids' through phone he's going to Jail. Period! That's exactly what the man is avoiding. I am sure he's acting on an attorney's advice. I know many good men who are languishing in jail simply because they mistakenly dialed their wife when there's a restraining order in place, and the woman rushes to police showing them the received call number, and claimed she was threatened. A woman like this will do that I bet u.

Sister, don't let lawyers and judges decide the faith of ur children. Btw the 2 whoever filed the case in court has the bigger blame. In Africa we use elders, family meetings, church pastors, etc to settle rifts. In USA u can have a divorce settlement in a lawyer's office, sign the agreement and file it in court. That's what white people do..that's why it's called 'Divorce Settlement'. It's not a war!

Ujujoan: So because his wife lied about him, he decided to abandon his own kids

What kind of a man is he?

Men like him don't deserve to be fathers . . .

If he can walk out of their lives so easily then maybe he shouldn't even be around them in the first place!

So you lot are 'begging' him to take care of his own children What planet does he live in

I don't buy your assertion, though both are not right...but look there has to be serious consequences to what some of these Nigerian nurses (not all please) are doing in USA. They are painting Nigerian women red..very bad ambassadors! You'll bury your head in shame about what non-Nigerians (even their co-workers)say about Nigerian nurses in the USA...sexual promiscuity among the single, adultery among the married, petty-mindedness, excessive materialism, gossiping, high rate of separation/ divorce, murder by their husbands, medical fraud, taking advantage of their patients...of course the story of a Nigerian nurse using sex to blackmail Dr Ikemba Iweala (Ngozi Iweala's husband) made news....Woooooow! Where are these ladies from?

Good Nigerian nurses should post stories of their successful families to cancel out the effects of these bad ones? We should stop condoning them. The message should be "..there will be severe consequences to more nurses attempting these..", and may we all Nigerians make it clear to them. They are not the only Nigerian women who have bills to pay. Shameful!!