₦airaland Forum

You better make sure that you and the girl are both tested before you start indulging in unprotected sex.

You'll soon catch something, assuming you haven't already.

The most natural way of avoiding pregnancy is avoiding sex...outside of that, nothing will give you a hundred percent certainty...The sperm will evolve and adapt to whatever measures you implement...haha

Happy New Year!

I didn't even have to read the rest of the post. The question was sufficient enough (assuming the right question was asked):

It's quite simple: If the money is "in your possession," then NO!

1. You are in the bank's premises = your possession
2. You are getting ready to hand the money to the teller = your possession
3. You have handed the money to the teller but it is yet to be recorded in the system = your possession

Until the money is recorded in the bank's system, it's still in your possession!

If the money is in the bank's possession, then YES!

Happy New Year!

@churific (Nigerian Nightmare)

https://twitter.com/Churific

I have 15,000+ followers. I follow any Nigerian or African that follows me! I'm passionate about the education and advancement of Africa and Nigeria!

Wonders shall never end!

What a silly thread. "My people perish for the lack of knowledge."

The advancement of male players in Naija? Some people obviously have too much time on their hands.

Lanrefahm: U r always welcome to islam, total piece of mind

Thank you for the invitation but I'll have to pass on that for now.

Today, I went to church extremely healthy and now I'm going home with a semi-concusion!

I'm not a big fan of preachers screaming the house down. If your message is compelling enough, you shouldn't have to scream the house down or repeat the same biblical phrases over and over again to get your points across... especially if you have a point. I went to church to be healed and now I'm leaving with a headache!

I'm surprised they didn't make me buy a ticket to attend the church I went to today. It was like one theatrical church show. The choir leader was more interested in selling her new album than leading the choir. The visiting preacher took her time advertising her twitter and Facebook accounts. And then she went on to trying to sell her books during her sermon... She made it clear that she accepts master cards, visa cards, personal checks, cash, you name it... She even brought her own card swipper for you to swipe her card, receive her overpriced book and the Holy Ghost...Then she screamed the same popular biblical phrases for 2 hours while reading her notes and mixing them with nonsensical references in between. I went to church today extremely healthy and now I'm going home with a semi-concusion!

Checkout more of my true stories on my blog at www.humoredin.com and follow me on Twitter @churific.

Yesterday I had to negotiate with the CEO of one of our big Suppliers.

I thought I was a hot shot but he kicked my ass early. All my preparations went to dust...I was looking at all my beautifully organized data that made so much sense and was going to sell like crazy 20 minutes prior and I couldn't even understand them. My own data and notes were foreign to me...haha...

I froze and even forgot how to speak English for a minute there. I remember him asking me: WHY SHOULD I GIVE YOU ANY MONEY? YOUR MARGIN FOR ME IS LOW and YOU'VE ALREADY PLACED YOUR ORDER FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR...and my response was simply: because I asked.

But then my supervisor walked into the room and I went from Mr. Beans to James Bond. Re-bottle after re-bottle and I scored big! I was like William S. in his prime (from his birth to his death, he was in his prime.) I came back and gave such a fantastic closing that I even surprised myself. We were offered money on the spot but unfortunately, not a dollar of that goes into my pocket!

Great days ahead!

Read more of my true stories on my blog at www.humoredin.com and follow me on twitter @churific

I went out for dinner with my doctor lady friend. Our server was an East African...let's call him Xobile (pronounced "Click"-be-lay)

Xobile brings our drinks and walks away like he was mustering "look at dis bastard" in a deep African accent.

When I go out to eat, I like to tip via a personal tipping scale. I start off at 15%. Then I would add or subtract a dollar for every significant action by the waiter. For example, if my drink is on time, that's an extra dollar; If you look like someone slapped you, that's $1 less.

Anyways, my friend's drink, a glass of sprite, had a black entity in it. She thought it was a bug and refused to continue with our meal. After my investigation, I concluded that it was a piece of dark chocolate. A new drink was needed. This whole time, Xobile was about 100 feet away eyeing us like we were the reason his life is so miserable. We called him over.

When he got to our table and we told him that the drink had a piece of chocolate in it, he replied, "Oh, I know. I saw it." I snapped and said, "WHAT? So at what point did you see it? You knew she would need a new drink and you just waited and watched?" He just said, "My brother, ask an you shall receive."

His tip ended up at -$5. As we left, I left a real tip on the receipt, "Wherever you go, no matter the weather, always bring you own sunshine. You owe me $5 and I'm asking you to receive the two hottest slap you've ever gotten...simultaneously!" (ran out of space.)

Read more of our true stories on my blog at www.humoredin.com and follow us on twitter @churific

If we cannot even resolve the non-suspicious deaths, how can you investigate and successfully close suspicious deaths?

Have you ever been watched so closely by someone that you start to feel very very uncomfortable?

Today, I decided to live out my fantasies and take my clothes-washing talents to a public laundromat...for some reason, the plan was very relaxing, agreeable and fulfilling while I was thinking about it. For $1.25, the washing machines operate for 28 minutes and for $1.00, the dryers, 80 minutes.

19 minutes into washing, in came this guy I will forever refer to as EYEATOLA (pronounced Ayatola.) Not only did EYEATOLA stare at me continuously like he was going to eat me within the next (19+80) minutes, he brought no laundry, and he elected to sit in the most uncomfortable position known to me. Honestly, I can only recall 2 or 3 times other times in my life when I felt this uncomfortable. I was 97% sure EYEATOLA was going to eat me today. This guy stared at me for 9 minutes while my 2 loads washed and another 62 minutes while they dried (Time it took to load the clothes into the drier is negligible.) I was even hesitant about touching my phone...he might think I'm calling for help and decide to hasten his eatery of me.

I don't even remember him blinking once and his line of sight was intense and magnified. I was so uneasy that I didn't even redeem my 80 minutes drying that I paid for...By the sixty second minute, this guy was burning a hole through my forehead and I had to leave with half-dried clothes (more like 61/80 dried clothing assuming that 80 minutes would dry them 100%.) I didn't even think about talking to him because quite frankly, I wasn't sure if I remembered how to speak English at that time. That's how confused I was.

I guess you could ask why I didn't just leave the clothes in the dryer and come back after 80 minutes. I'm not crazy to leave anything around EYEATOLA...This guy would probably steal my basket, my socks and replace my boxers with bras!

Let's just hope EYEATOLA didn't follow me home...I checked thrice already!

Read more of my true stories on my blog: www.humoredin.com and follow me on twitter: @churific

All I see is some guy with a "short man" complex...He just needed an excuse to wear "high heels" and so we get this Micheal Jackson knock-off persona...good for him.

As if you can't quickly Google all of those questions.

I love football
I enjoy football
But I never get too wrapped up into some of the names as do a lot of my friends
And that's okay!

For Nigerian roads, you'll need all resistance, heavy duty metal tires.

"Jealous Girlfriend" and "Guy Cheats" are not quite the same thing.

If someone cheated on you, you would want to do the same to them. I probably wouldn't do that but I'll wish it on them.

"Jealousy" is something else.

More like 'who took a better picture'

You can't compare a professional photographer to a phone snapshot... At least not fairly.

And my dead grandmother is ranked 27th among best players in the world.

God rest her soul.

Nonsense. Maybe 24th best player in Africa.

She was just acting or simply practicing for her new role in the upcoming moving: iSTEAL.

What better way to hone your acting skills and deliver believable performance than actually putting yourself in the line of fire.

Let's applaud her effort!

SARCASM

It doesn't matter what questions you ask, the seller don't have to answer any of them honestly.

It's best to bring a trusted mechanic along or take the car to the mechanic before committing to buy.


@Churific

Mine is 15-51

That's how ambiguous life is becoming!

He was clearly asking for it.

He's lucky he wasn't somewhere more hostile... They would have stripped his life!

It's not a "demand." Regardless of their height, most girls prefer taller men... Especially today when heels are so popular. Only a few women will consider dating or pitying the shorter men.

But if you have money or power, they'll call it personality and you're good to go.

Today, something weird happened in the bathroom!

Background: Usually, when I go to the bathroom to ease myself, I stoop down, not all the way down (knee level), and check the stalls to make sure I'm alone. Why? Because that's when I like to blast my tunes and practice my auditions for American Idol (The bathroom acoustics help!)

Anyways, today, as I walked into the bathroom, a song was bothering me and had to come out on full blast (Beneath Your Beautiful.) As I entered the bathroom, I didn't notice that another gentleman had hurried in behind me just before the door snapped shot.

So as I bent down to check the stall before bellowing my tunes, 2 awkward things happened:

1. I gave him an accidental grind
2. He clearly saw me peering down the stalls while grinding on him.

In an attempt to avoid the awkwardness completely, I quickly grabbed my shoe strings as if they needed tying...and then I looked back at him and said: "I'm really sorry, I didn't see you there. By the way, the devil is a liar."

Read more of my stories on my blog at www.humoredin.com

Yesterday, I got stuck behind an old lady.

Background Story: I had some furniture delivered to my complex’s office since I wasn’t at home and the complex office closes at 5:00pm. I left work early around 4:00pm so that I can stop at Walmart, pick up a few things and then head to the office to retrieve my collectibles.

After enduring some odd traffic behaviors and finally making it to Walmart around 4:15pm, I quickly dashed through the isles like the Nigerian Nightmare that I am, grabbed everything I needed and got stuck behind an OLD lady in the pay isle (that was the only open isle.)

This lady had at least 50 of the smallest items in the whole store and they all needed to be scanned carefully…some, repeatedl. From far, you’d think she only had 10 or less items. It was getting close to 4:45 by the time the cashier was done scanning her items. To make matters worse, she pulled out a check book. I was like: Oh My God! By the time she’s done writing this check, I’ll be as old as she is!

And she kept asking the lady at the counter: What’s the total again? What’s the total my dear? After her third request, I just whispered from behind her, IT IS Ninety-two dollars and twenty three cents…It’s been the same amount for the last 7 minutes and it’s written right THERE! And then she says, Oh no, I’d like to put some of these things back.

I died.

I almost payed for her just so I could rush and get home to collect my shipments but I did some quick currency conversion and was like: HECK NO…$92 is over 10,000 Naira. Not today! By then it was close to 5pm so I just kept my cool and counted my other blessings one by one. And when I got to my place, my furniture was in my back balcony waiting for me!

Checkout more of my stories on my blog: www.humoredin.com

Yes. Your next wife because the current one will become your ex-wife in this age of exes

Saliva.

Natural and unlimited. You'll only have the constant funny smell and reapplication to deal with (2 side effects are not too bad.)