₦airaland Forum

Lol

carefreewannabe: Cocobaby, let's call our lawyers and go through the prenups again. Discussions won't suffice.

You're assuming every man agrees with his wife's opinion because she stated them respectfully?
You haven't seen men who don't agree with their wives even if the wives beg?

Agreed that no one in the union should talk about property and estate as if they are being selfish.
But it is an act of selfishness for the man to wait first to be told that the family props belong to both of them.
He has to be talked to and cajoled and begged to do the right thing?
And the wife has to tread carefully in asking for what's hers because she doesn't want to come off as selfish.
How about he sets the example by being selfless to start with?


And what does being all over the place mean?
I'm only adressing you based on what you typed. How's that being all over the place?

Well we weren't there. Were we?


As for fears she may be having,have you considered that folks trust their partners so much they don't bother about those aspects of names and wills and estates. Only something like this wakes them up to reality.

Now if you know someone whose wife is pressuring him to include her name in the family acquisitions,what would you tell him?
To do or not to do?


Considering that most of our dear naija brothers consider everything that doesn't agree with their POV as insurbodination or not being SUBMISSIVE.how far can a wife go to make her own decisions applicable in the home too?

I mean the mantra around here is that the man's word is law in his home.
So if a submissive wife decides to go along with whatever her husband decides and later it comes around to haunt her.she's responsible for not securing her future because she didn't defend her stand and insist on her right when the man was making the family decisions.??

You guys need to be clear with us.
Total submission or not?

Does the man decide for the family or does the wife have a say too and both of them can reach an agreement based on what's best for the family and not what serves the man's ego.


The OP case is not peculiar.
Some guys get to decide how props are owned in the family no matter who brings the money.
That's called calling the shots AKA being the head of the family. And a submissive wife has to suck it up

crackhaus: For someone who contributed substantially in the procurement of houses and cars to be left out of the documents stating so is unbelievable.

All things considered, she's responsible for whatever fears she might be having now.

cococandy

I haven't addressed the OP's case.
I only commented based on your earlier statement.

But now that you mention it.
She's been relaxed because she felt they were always on the same page.
But things changed all of a sudden.
How is it surprising her survival instincts sprang up now. Who wouldn't? You get a kid sprung on you the 8th year into marriage. A kid he conveniently forgot to mention all their courtship years.

But as a male child isn't forth coming,he feels the need to bring this one home thereby tipping the balance in their peaceful home.

Did I even read you say it's too soon for her to be worried about inheritance? No it's not.
The man is already worried about inheritance. As the typical African male,his daughters inheriting isn't the ideal situation for him. So he's already thinking of an heir. His wife is only following in his footstep.

You honestly believe it was remorse that made him decide to take back the child he denied years ago?
No. It's because he's looking for a son now.
And you know what sons are for. Inheritance.



That said,I've no advice for the OP.folks have already done that.

crackhaus: When you put it like this @emboldened, it now sounds like you're trying to pit wife against husband...this not a competitive thing.

Like I said before, if the woman and her husband have come to an agreement regarding whose earning is used for what purpose, then every other derivative such as how names should appear on property documents should also be discussed and agreed upon.

Take a look at the story in the OP again, how is it that a woman who financially assisted in procuring the houses and cars as claimed, suddenly realize after 8years and an out-of-wedlock child that her name is not in any document?
How is it that she never questioned her husband or talked to him about including her name (and this is even the right thing since she claims to have contributed)?

Okay let's assume she didn't contribute financially in the acquisition of these things, isn't she supposed to have discussed it with her man by asking him to always include her name since the man wasn't doing it?
So after first house and first car, she didn't bring up the issue...then second house and second car came, same thing...she still did not talk. Now when the prospect of having a boy from nowhere coming in to get inheritance, her survival instinct now kicks in.

Abeg this story don tire me sef, shior...

Shiis scary

Non conformist too badt.
I HATE to be told what to do. Or expected to tow a line because everyone else is.

He needs to get rid of the scar face so that he can marry a younger wife. No time.

What's hard to understand is if it is assumed that the wife's income which is spent on the family welfare is automatically understood to be for the family in general.
Why should there be a special case for the family property the man buys? Is that not for the family in general?
The woman's income or contribution is not argued or debated. It is clearly known to be for the family.
But if the man's income buys property,there's supposed to be a family meeting held to decide if the woman is to be included in the ownership or not.

Yea. It is hard to understand.

crackhaus: I have gone over this before. It all depends on the dynamics and how the couple decide to run their home.
If the wife agrees to only cater for the children's welfare/education, while the husband is in charge of acquiring property, then that conversation should also involve how the names appear on documents for said acquired property.

The woman automatically assuming that he is supposed to include her name is wrong, they should have had that discussion and both decided how the names should appear.
How this is so hard to understand beats me..

it is automatically assumed that whatever she does for the family is the family's. But she's wrong to assume that whatever the man buys should include her name.



Again this analogy of claiming kids is not accurate and does not relate to this argument.

As for the example, same as above. Wife should discuss it with him and not assume that he's supposed to do it.


I notice you always mention this situation and try to pass it off as common.
Sorry, but as far as Nigeria is concerned and knowing how most Nigerian men are, this is very rare.. you hardly come across an official stay-at-home dad.
You can't even say you know up to five men who are stay-at-home dads by choice if you're being honest with yourself.

neither do I know plenty stay at home moms by choice. I'm not sure I know up to 5 either. Everyone is hustling. So you guys should stop making it seem like the Nigerian ideal is the bread winning fathers. That's far from the truth.

Anyway that was generally speaking. But even then if he's a stay home dad or not as long as the situation is one agreed upon by both parties,the person who works works for the family. And the props should be in the couple's name.


Discuss, Discuss, Discuss!

It is not automatically assumed to have both names in documents procured by one party if it has not being talked about and agreed upon by the couple involved.

That doesn't answer my question.
Better still check the second post and read my questions in full.

crackhaus: This is not even an accurate analogy. Did she impregnate herself?

Op you're not serious

Wit all the bevy of beauties and dashing bobos we have among politicians in Nigeria na this be your list of most attractive politicins in the world?

Idighi serious

This could happen.
Sick sick sick

Make me understand.
Let's say husband and wife both work. It is assumed that both incomes belong to the family. Wife's income is used to cater for children's welfare and education while husband's is used to aquire property for the family.

Is there anywhere he gets off to buying them in is name alone?

Or by agreement,wife is a stay home mom tending to children all round up bringing and home keeping. Her contributions cannot be undermined because they are very important in the genral welfare of the home and even contributes to the man's financial success,can he buy property in his name alone because he's the one who 'works'?
Is his wife's contribution not work?
Can she claim the kids to be hers alone because she's sees to their upbringing?

Or more recently but not so uncommon. If by agreement,the couple decide the man stays home and keeps home while wife earns income.
Can she acquire family property in her name alone and only add him 'if she wishes to?'

Note all these conditions are based on mutual agreement by the couple at the beginning of the marriage.
Can one party decide to buy family prop in his/her name alone neglecting the other person's contribution because it doesn't come with invoice?

crackhaus: Yeah, now this is what you were really trying to say @emboldened bits and my response was fitting.
You almost made me doubt my sense of perception for a second there.

So if the woman financial contribution was towards the kids schooling and welfare,she can claim the kids as hers alone?

crackhaus: Having both husband and wife as legal owners of properties is only logical if both actually contributed financially in the acquisition of said propert(y/ies).

So sad.
Always used to be afraid to go with the small boats.
The safe ways are either big ship or chopper or nothing.
That water no be small thing.

Why didn't they adopt?
These kinds of stories piss me off

zboyd: Agreed.

But what of this?

I know a couple where the man has sickle cell disease and the wife has the trait. After 9 years together they decide to have a baby, in the off-chance that the baby would only be born with just the trait. Now their geneticist had already told them that the baby would most likely be born with sickle cell disease. But they ignored him. They said they were going to put it in God's hands.

Long story short, girl baby was born 2 months premature. At around 2-3 months old, she was found to have sickle cell disease, asthma, acid reflux, and is lactose intolerant.

So now, the wife has to look after two who are in and out of the hospital, due to a crisis.

Both sides of the family love the child but call her and her husband fools, for bringing the baby into the world, because of the disease and her other health problems.

SAMBARRY: I will sleep and wake up like nothing happened. Watch 2 or 3 movies or go for a comedy show to get that stress and tension of fear and anxiety off and boom the thought, the guilt, and fear is gone before I even finished watching the movie and laughing. That's the only way to be strong on the inside and stomach a lot of disasters waiting to explode . silence makes them die a natural death

CityNG: My opinion, he was committing adultery (standard issue for Nigerian Men), Wife was aware (and was always aware but dealt with it by indulging in expensive shopping) then her friends got involved and gave her wrong (in my opinion) counsel.

Not the first nor going to be the last marriage that will be destroyed by jealous friends.

The sad thing for the Wife now though is that those friends will still be in their matrimonial home and suffering (if we can call adultery that) the same fate. While she is now a divorcee with children, albeit a rich one.

And a free woman too
Phew. The relief she must be feeling now.
I'd chose her path anyday than sit swallow pain and shame and suffer in silence.

You mean he can and should look the other way if she cheats because of the oyakhilome name?or better stil sit and wait for HIV in order to preserve the oyakhilome name.
Raise her kids under bad influence because of the same name?

Smh. Selfish doesn't begin to describe your post.

KunAviero: Women can stupid and senseless at times. Even if the man is at fault, could she not have turned a blind eye just for the sake of her children, the name "Oyakhilome", the christ embassy church and what the bible says about divorce? I thought she took a vow in front of the alter of God to love her husband for better and for worst? Even if others divorce easily, I don't expect such from a high profile pastor like Anita. Pastor Indeed.

Why dem no write their family biography and history join.
I was reading and reading with no end in sight.
Mtchew.

Anyway I think this woman is probably killing her sons' desire for sex when they grow up.
My opinion.

Well she's high on guilt.
What can she do?
Not everyone can stomach guilt for long o.
Headaches,loss of appetite,acid reflux,hypersentivity(jumping out of your skin at every sound behind you),sweaty palms,thumping heart(loud heartbeat) gassing etc etc

Boy my conscience always does a number on me anytime I'm hiding something
Especially if it's something big.
But her case she's hiding something HUGE!!!
If she's like me she no get choice o.
She go confess in her sleep one day.

SAMBARRY: Cococandy there are some things better left to die inside the heart than to say out.she will forget it. It's just some people trying to put her on a guilt trip to make her feel bad . The mistake is ireedemable so she should just forget saying anything because if she does she should get ready for the outcome which maybe so destructive that she may not be able to handle it any longer

zboyd: Genetics of Albinism

The genes for OCA are located on “autosomal” chromosomes. Autosomes are the chromosomes that contain genes for our general body characteristics, contrasted to the sex chromosomes. We normally have two copies of these chromosomes and the genes on them – one inherited from our father, the other inherited from our mother. Neither of these gene copies is functional in people with albinism. However, albinism is a “recessive trait”, so even if only one of the two copies of the OCA gene is functional, a person can make pigment, but will carry the albinism trait. Both parents must carry a defective OCA gene to have a child with albinism. When both parents carry the defective gene (and neither parent has albinism) there is a one in four chance at each pregnancy that the baby will be born with albinism. This type of inheritance is called “autosomal recessive” inheritance.

Ocular albinism (OA1) is caused by a genetic defect of the GPR143 gene that plays a signaling role that is especially important to pigmentation in the eye. OA1 follows a simpler pattern of inheritance because the gene for OA1 is on the X chromosome. Females have two copies of the X chromosome while males have only one copy (and a Y chromosome that makes them male). To have ocular albinism, a male only needs to inherit one defective copy of the gene for ocular albinism from his carrier mother. Therefore almost all of the people with OA1 are males. Indeed, parents should be suspicious if a female child is said to have ocular albinism.

For couples who have not had a child with albinism, there is no simple test to determine whether a person carries a defective gene for albinism. Researchers have analyzed the DNA of many people with albinism and found the changes that cause albinism, but these changes are not always in exactly the same place, even for a given type of albinism. Moreover, many of the tests do not find all possible changes.

Therefore, the tests for the defective gene may be inconclusive.

If parents have had a child with albinism previously, and if that affected child has had a confirmed diagnosis by DNA analysis, there is a way to test in subsequent pregnancies to see if the fetus has albinism. The test uses either amniocentesis (placing a needle into the uterus to draw off fluid) or chorionic villous sampling (CVS). Cells in the fluid are examined to see if they have an albinism gene from each parent.

For specific information and genetic testing, seek the advice of a qualified geneticist or genetic counselor.

Read more: http://www.albinism.org/publications/what_is_albinism.html

Oh you beat me to it.
I was trying to give a layman's approach to the explanation.
I studied genetics (elective four semesters). You can imagine my frustration when most people I see all the time prefer to believe in superstition and 'generational curses' for diseases that are purely and plainly hereditary.

The family enemy that doesn't let them live past 50yrs is off somewhere again making more juju to kill the last standing male child of the family after killing off his 3 elder brothers.
And everyone is busy pointing finger at the uncle whose house in across the road.


Meanwhile the whole family is suffering from a hereditary condition that manifests around middle age(like serious hypertension or angina)

It's depressing.

5minsmadness: Op the man must have specifically asked her if she had albinos in her family and she said 'no'.
Only to deliver and he got the shock of his life.

Sending this your long epistle to him am not sure it will help. It sounds more like he is feeling betrayed.

I am ashamed to say I'm not comfortable around albinoes. Lord forgive me but its one of the deal breakers for me in a relationship. I know its not their fault and I'm proud to say I have three of them as my friends, but..hmmn. It ain't easy.

Op put yourself in the man's shoes. Be honest. How would you react?

The gene for albinism is a recessive one so wherever it occurs alongside the normal gene for melanin production,it will always be over shadowed by the gene for color which is the dominant.
It only finds expression where it occurs alone meaning that for that paritcular offspring to show phenotypic expression of albinism,the both gametes that met at the point of fertilization each carried the genes for albinism.

So he should stop asking if she has albinos in her lineage. The answer is that both of them do have the recessive genes for albinism.
He may never have known anyone in his family with the condition probably because non of them ever mated with anyone who had the recessive gene too.
Now he has and here's the result.
His next kids could be normal colored too.

The only other condition which can give rise to this is a mutation(very very rare too)


I feel greatly pained when I see 'educated' people make such discriminatory remarks against others.

Something he heard over the radio.
Unless he means to call in.

Anyway OP she has no choice but to tell her husband the kid ain't his.
He can decide what to do afterwards.
In other words he's the one who needs advice here and not her.
Because he'll be confused and heart broken.
To forgive or not to forgive.
To let go or not to.
Considering he has 3 other kids from this same woman,to break up the marriage or not because of the one kid that isn't his.

It'll be a tough choice for him.
She really isn't the one who has a choice to make.
Except of course she choses not to confess.

Who will relay the advice back to her?

No problem.

chinma414: yes,i am.i hav bin trying to find out if u ar still a nairalander and so used dis thread to draw u out.no offence was intended.

Ok. You're welcome

chinma414: i was ur junior in OGSS.

Hope you're enjoying life

Me sef confuse

crackhaus: What are you guys even arguing here?

What's your definition of non offending?
Such insensitivity in the face of the death of fellow country men whose relatives may well be members of nairaland.

You're so smart.
You're neither here nor there.
Find a spot already

AlfaSeltzer: All the people criticising me here have yet to address my points.

Do we hide non offending posts just because we disagree with it?

AlfaSeltzer: I just took a look at your profile pic and noticed that you have a big forehead which in well formed people denotes higher intelligence. Makes me wonder if your mum ate too much oily soup when your were in her womb.

iconize: I think you're a dunce.

Why do you keep endorsing silly opinions, huh?

It's so hard to be civil with folks like you.
But I'll keep trying.


@topic. (Continuation)
The undeniable truth is that boko haram is a very big stuff going that's using the ethnic and religious divide present in your nation to further it's cause.
It can't be hidden that they have many muslims sympathizers even though muslims say they are not part of them.
At least it's clear from the the records that they many seek out christains with the help of their muslims sympatisers who by the way claim to be against them to carry out their attacks.

Why does that make you guys upset? Abi people can say their observations again?

Try me

DukeNija: You'd be surprised at my answer!

That's not the answer bro.
Let me help repeat her question.

'Would you divorce a wife at 43 if she cheats on you once?

DukeNija: So you'll divorce your husband at 43 if he cheats once? Lol. Very rational

Agreed. But they are using both tools judiciously.
That's why I forgive anyone who sees it that way.

Ishilove: The boko haram issue is far more complex than ethnicity or religion.