₦airaland Forum

The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The wife says: I'n not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you slowpoke

The wife says: Sure, go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to

The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain


The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.

The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.

The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.

The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.

The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.

@ micklplus

atleast you havent seen this before.

;d ;d ;d

@ micklplus

yo, y dont you back up or post something instead of talking trash. laugh or cry when you read a joke and stop trying to spoil the fun.

Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
_________________

Teacher: Kola, spell plantain
Kola: whish one? the lipe one or the unlipe one?

He asks "Which one? The ripe one or the unripe one?", some people have trouble with the 'r', and with some people, it sounds like an 'l'

Teacher: what difference does it make? Just spell plantain!
Kola: Teasha, If you fly the lipe one na 'DODO',
if you fly the unlipe one na 'SHIPS'
if you loast am, na 'BORLI'
All of them na plantain,
so whish one you wan make I spell?

He is describing the different ways that plantains can be cooked, frying ripe ones makes 'dodo', frying unripe ones make 'chips', roasting plantains makes 'boli'.

HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.

HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

y'all suppose know by now that God is always patient. if you are impatient and press 0 for short cut, you will be reconnected to hell. devil likes his own fast fast.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:

Thank you for calling heaven. For English press 1 For French press 2 For all other languages, press 3

Please select one of the following options: Press 1 for request Press 2 for thanksgiving Press 3 for complaints Press 4 for all others

I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received, God be with you as you repent.

thats what am toking about. we the men.

nice one

why didnt girl want to drink his own but now she is drinking another man's own hahaha.

thanks seun. please can you tell me the sites.

hi rhodalyn, view it as if its in french language were everything has a gender. try it that way you might get the joke.

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.

He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked - "What gender is a computer"?

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St.Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sits for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?"

St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground!

"What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Come on!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here!

Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer!?"

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out in the audience a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"

"Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You goddamned tightwad!" blurted the spectator.

"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You cheap son of a, " the man starts to shout.

The Judge thunders back "If you don''t tell me the reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!"

"I''ve lived next to that lying bastard for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a f*****g tool when I needed to borrow one!"

yo, i totally feel the forth guy, he gains everything.

i got it, its either he goes to work with a bicycle or with a skateboard. on his way he holds a car to help him move fast. since ferrari is fast, he got to work on time.

whats up y'all? I'm daniel but my friends call me diddy. am new to this site and i have enjoyed it so far. I'm from Anambra in nigeria but am currently in USA. i was searching for jokes when this site came up and i joined because i want to be able to post jokes. can any of you help me with where i can get nija songs since i came here i never here current nija songs and i miss them. thanks. NAIJA 4 LIFE.

make dem try ask gateman e fit be the guy wey whole the pant.

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work unknown to her that her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet her husband came home unexpectedly so she told her lover to hide in the closet with the little boy.

the little boy says'' dark in here ''

the man says '' yes it is''

boy says I have a baseball the man says that’s nice

the boy says want to buy it

the man says no thanks

boy says my dad is outside

the man says ok how much

the boy says $250

In the next few weeks it happens again the boy and the mom’s lover in the closet again.

boy says dark in here

the man says yes it is

the boy says I have a baseball glove the lover remembering the last time and said ok how much

the boy says $750

the man says fine few days later the father says to the boy grab your glove lets go outside toss the ball back and forth the boy says I can't I sold them the father asks how much and the boy says1, 000 the father says that is terrible to overcharge your friends like that that is more than those 2 things cost I am going to take you to church and make you pray.

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in confession booth he closes the door The boy says dark in here and the priest says don’t start that bullshit again.

that really funny. when there is money there aint nothing like use of vulgar language.

nice one