₦airaland Forum

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Smile4mee01:
I am 35 yr old banker. Living in my own house, travelled abroad a few times.,drives my own car relatively comfortable.

The pressure to marry is so huge on me that within every 24 hrs a colleague or customer throws it in my face the need to marry.

I desire to get married but I am also an extreme introvert. I enjoy time alone and the peace of mind it brings. Will this addiction hinder me from experiencing some life happenings. Like being a dad and husband.

Kindly advice.

Smile4mee01, you don't need to worry too much about being a good dad or husband due to your introversion.

First things first, introversion is not an addiction. NEVER think of it as a sickness in any way - mental or emotional. Introversion is no more than a disposition - a kind of preference if you'll agree. It is the result of your state of mind and how nature chose for you the way to interract with yourself and your environment.

Having said that, let's look at your concerns. There are a lot of great introverted dads and husbands. In fact, they make one of the best husbands because they are often inclined to stay more indoors which many a woman love in their men. I must say though, two things matter most:

1) The kind of woman you marry has a long way to determine how good a husband you end up being. Ensure you marry a woman who loves and understands you and supports you to be better without putting pressure on you, comparing you to others, persecuting you or abandoning you. If you do find that woman, marry her. This woman can be introverted, extroverted or right inbetween - doesn't matter. If she is very extroverted or very introverted, study her well and take caution (story for another day).

2) How much improvement you are willing to make. Introversion is not a social death sentence. You'll be shocked there are introverted actors, politicians and comedians (I didn't make that up. Steve Martin and Woody Allen are introverts and so are most creative comedians). In fact, introversion helps us observe more and makes us creative. And a creative person can create himself to become who he needs to be at any time. So, the power of introversion can save you and make you a better person who can fit into any situation.

Understand yourself and your temperament and then work on yourself to better yourself then you can find that perfect blend of yourself who can be a good father and a good husband. You can and will enjoy every life happenings once you choose to make the most of it. The ball is in your court.

tech18:
I wasn't diagnosed ...based on my situation/condition and the symptoms of S.A.D I read online

I went to a Hospital (a Federal Medical Center) at the GOpd they directed me to another dept (Psychiatrist)

After a very long interaction with the Psychiatrist, he later prescribed one drug for me....which never worked


PLEASE Where can I be diagnosed ?

Where can I get a therapist?

Thanks

A psychiatrist or reqistered therapist can diagnose it. If it's Nigeria, it is usually cheaper and better to consult a psychiatrist at a Federal Medical Centre. However, they sometimes take things a little unseriously. If you have a good private hospital around you that offers psychiatry services, that should do.

I guess you were given some sort of antidepressant when you saw that psychiatrist. The things is those drugs are different and they work differently in different humans... so it sometimes require some kind of try and error to know what works well for you without having funny side effects. You know how Naija is... It is well.

tech18:
My own case I dont know where to even start...


PLease what are the best remedies to SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER?

Were you actually diagnosed to have S.A.D? If yes, how severe is it?
The severity will determine what will work and what may not easily work. Generally speaking however, two things that will sure help are 1) Therapy and 2) Self-hypnosis or Autosuggestion.

With the second option, it's just about what @scave explained to you. You have to literally "talk yourself out of it" and do what your head tells you not to do. In the end, what's the worst that can happen? It will have to be gradual and don't push yourself, but take one step at a time. In mo time, you'll find the anxiety and fear reducing.

We all make mistakes and we all fall short at one time or another. So begin by accepting that things go wrong. Then just try to be yourself around strange people and don't overdo anything. You will surely get better.

For the first option, you will need to see a therapist.

chii8:
Thank you so much,I have been into this for 10years with just my husband alone. I came to understand that people keep friend or friends aside their spouse. Only one fits into the friendship circle but she has a lot people around her,so may not even notice me or have my time.And don't like rubbing myself all over people, I'm afraid also of the friend hurting me.

I completely understand your fears and they are real concerns. Just take your time and observe, I'm sure true friend(s) will come around. Humans are actually not designed to be without confidants who we want to trust and tell things to, celebrate with and share with.

If we don't quote you, how are we to directly answer you?

Making trusted friends should firstly not be sought desperately else you might be making a mistake because you're not being careful (you can never be too careful). So calm down and don't let it drive you crazy.

A trusted friend can be found in anyone. So you simply need to observe those that come into your life and assess whether they're worth it or not. This can be a colleague at work, an acquaintance on your street or that friendly person in church or mosque. Ensure you look out for qualities like trustworthiness, discreetness, maturity; someone not envious or mischievous, highly moral and so on....whether it's a man or woman.

There are already people in your life so you can even pick one. Think thoroughly about the potential people and measure their capability to be trusted. You can even 'test' them to see if they can be confided in and measure up to what you want. You'll often discover that what you can get in far-away Sokoto might just be in your pocket.

I should add this: as a married woman, your husband should be your most trusted friend. But it's also understandable that sometimes it doesn't happen so.

All the best!

ehix89:


If only you don't mind

I'm sorry I'm just relying you. You can send me a PM please.

superboiz:
Here I am always confused being an introvert or shy person.
I can't hold unto a topic of discuss and get tired easily.
Sleeps constantly even when with my friends and in classroom.
I get fatigued and my head aches me when lecture is on and then I sleep while the lecture goes on.
I feel sleepy the moment I open a book to read.

Hi. All these have nothing to do with introversion or shyness.
As for sleeping during lectures, while it is biological to feel fatigue when learning something new, I think you may need to check your lifestyle and health as it is not so normal in your case.

If you have the habit of sleeping late, check it! Sleep early and try to wake up early. Exercise regularly too to keep fit. Eat healthy foods. If there are health concerns, see a doctor.

Damzy007:
How does an introvert thread looks like hope its not gonna be dull lol. An introvert here my name is Dammy. I found out at this point in my life i need to stop being an introvert due to some reason that I need to be more successful in my career. Any advice in quitting this lifestyle will be appreciated from those with past experience.

Firstly, if you're an introvert, there can not be a "stop being introvert" phase. What may happen - and it does happen as you grow - is that you get to be more sociable and manage being in crowded places better. But you will always get drained when being overstimulated such as being in loud places or having to be around plenty people in a social gathering.

I'm an introvert. I'm not shy. And I am not doing bad career-wise. Does my introversion affect my career? NO. There is a high chance you are a shy person and you mistake characteristics of shyness for introversion. I think you first need to assess yourself and discover who you are. Then you will need to know where you thrive, what your interests are and what kind of skills drive you. When you know all these, you will understand yourself better and you can then choose your career wisely.

Happy World Introvert Day!

https://introvertology.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/world-introvert-day-2016-768x768.jpg

Rukkydelta:
It's been a long time.
Good evening fam

As an introvert I have discovered that there are some people I just relate with well even though I don't know them that much. I'm just kind of free and comfortable around them.
Have any one of you discovered/experience this?

Yes, of course. I'm not sure however if it's an introvert thing. As secretive as I can be - not opening up as most people do, there are still some people I find myself telling things to.

I have also learned that openness is reciprocal. If someone talks freely with you, you'll be inclined to do the same sometimes. Of course, there are a few exceptions where you just still find yourself not sharing info or feeling all comfortable with some people.

boluwafunmike:
today is my birthday.
thank you all for downloading my book and most importantly for reading it.
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thank you for being part of my success story.
God bless you.
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drop feedback please.
thank you.
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Happy new month and Easter.

Though belated, here's wishing you a happy birthday.

boluwafunmike:
Thank you so much .
I am so grateful.
Thank you, i will definitely work on all your suggestions.

You're welcome ma'am.

boluwafunmike:
Feedback are awesome,they create room for improvement and are source of encouragement.
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Have you read the book? Do drop your feedback.
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If not,scroll up to download it.

'Parents Listen Up!' was quite an interesting read as it set out to achieve what it promises - a wake-up call for the 21st-century parent to listen to the voice, feelings and reactions of their children as well as communicate in a more effective, modern way different from the approach of parents of the 20th-century which has become obsolete and ineffective.

I'd say kudos to you. It's your first book and you did a good job. Well done! It can always be better. For future works, do engage an editor and also, do more on content. I hope to read something from you again soon enough. It's a good work you're doing. Keep it up and remain blessed!

boluwafunmike:
Feedback are awesome,they create room for improvement and are source of encouragement.
.
Have you read the book? Do drop your feedback.
.
If not,scroll up to download it.

"Parents Listen Up!' was quite an interesting read as it set out to achieve what it promises - a wake-up call for the 21st-century parent to listen to the voice, feelings and reactions of their children as well as communicate in a more effective, modern way different from the approach of parents of the 20th-century which has become obsolete and ineffective.

I'd say kudos to you. It's your first book and you did a good job. Well done! It can always be better. For future works, do engage an editor and also, do more on content. I hope to read something from you again soon enough.

GloryIsaac:
Never expected it to be this long .

Interesting read actually. And I like that you're largely self aware. Coincidentally, I exhibit almost all the things you described of yourself in the 'positives and negatives' post.
It's really still intriguing reading all these about someone else even though it largely applies to me too. I wouldn't change myself for anything, it's a world I have come to know, love and gladly accept; wouldn't you agree?

GloryIsaac:
....When I took my first personality test, the results came out as ISTJ. Of course, making a further research into this personality type, I discovered that I fitted into a lot of descriptions given. It was worth it because it helped me understand myself the more and actually see beyond the things society terms as awkward.
I've been very passionate about why people behave the way they do, some things that require a little logic are overruled with sentiments, some just love manipulation, some want to be feared etc. And the problem with all these is that it makes me seem like I'm not supposed to be here, like there's so much difference between us. Yes, I have my limitations, really stubborn and definitely not the guy with the highest IQ. There are times I speak and it's like no one actually understands the point I'm trying to make, it has to be broken down to smaller pieces and also diluted with sentiments in order to put my point my across. All these made me look to self-development books and it has been an awesome journey so far.
Some months back, I decided to take a personality test again and I got an INTJ. I marveled, why did it change?, I expected the ISTJ result again but it was different this time. I had to take up to three more tests in order to really confirm what was going on and I got an INTJ and ISTJ in two out of the three tests with the percentage being 48% and 52% while the other was 51% and 49%. Finally, the third test revealed that I actually stood in the middle of the iNtuitive and the Sensor, giving birth to the personality type called IXTJ.

Welcome to my World.

[img]https://media1./images/d20834bbeb2d9aa5443c720a2d9bac64/tenor.gif?itemid=8911354[/img]

.....typing....

[img]https://media1./images/8f5c5ce859c1c0fb02ede6a4e9d75b84/tenor.gif?itemid=5621353[/img]

Kognisjon:
The major issues I have as an introvert is I find it difficult start a conversation and maintaining it,except it is a very interesting topic. I tend to get tongue tied especially when talking to a group of people(over-coming this little by little) and am especially quite when am in the mist of new faces,that they sometimes think am a very quite girl... lol....I am extremely shy but better than I was before

It's good you're overcoming shyness little by little. Truth is, that's the most effective way to overcome shyness - one simply confronts it and do the things one shies away from.

jamilkb:
Amazing thread, reading through this thread makes me feel that i am not alone, being introvert is good and at the same time bad, people tend to isolate you when it matters the most, and that makes me feel pathetic.

You should not feel pathetic because of isolation. I personally like that I can be alone most times and I crave enjoying the company of myself. So if people were to run from you as an introvert, I don't think that should make you feel pathetic. Everyone, introvert or extrovert, should enjoy their own company for it is then we can truly enjoy the company of others.

bukiii:
Does being an introvert affect your ability to speak in public ( as in front of crowd) ? I have been facing this problem now ,no matter how hard I try to push hard my voice end up shaking and I will just crash.
I started with class( 156 student), I can talk in front of my class but not in front of the whole faculty or larger crowd.

Not exactly! The characteristics of Introversion doesn't include stage fright. Although, because introverts are reclusive, it's burdensome to deal with a crowd and they may actually develop stage fright (or some of its symptoms). It's only psychological.

You can talk in your class because you're more comfortable with the people in it. That didn't happen overnight, you grew into it. So, you can do the same for larger crowds. Firstly, assume the larger crowd is no more than the 156 people in your class and believe it so much that you begin to see them that way. Secondly, practice! The more times you address the larger crowd the more comfortable you get and the easier it gets to communicate. Also, learn to speak with a tone of voice that commands control. You'll do great.

UjuJoan2:
They know how they are so they are getting all defensive.

Biko, I'm not saying they are bad ooh, I'm just saying to tell your cousin to be very careful!

Me sha, would never consider going there, except the man in question is extraordinarily nice.

Your statement in bold is exactly the point! How will you know if someone is extraordinarily nice? You simply get close to them and see for yourself.... NOT ask if people from his city are extraordinarily nice.

It's a simple, logical common sense and I have no idea why the OP and you are not getting it.

aflyingbird:
I'm guessing u must be an Ibadan man, that explains your anger. Why're u so frustrated on a thread which has done u no wrong?

I haven't said anything about Ibadan men at all. How can there be generalization when nothing has been said? All I've done was ask about them because I don't know much about them.

My husband is Ibo. He's an amazing man and very happy, thank u very much.



Now can someone who knows about Ibadan men come in here to give me a sensible reply?

I'm not sure you get what we all are trying to tell you in different "languages." I'll explain better. Consider the part of your message I put in bold. Your husband is Ibo and he is an amazing man. Are all Ibo men amazing? No. But yours is. Some people say all sorts of negative things to Yoruba women about marrying Ibo men (I won't mention any though). Does this stereotype nonsense apply to your husband? No.

Tribal stereotypes have been attached to all parts of Nigeria since God-knows-when.If some are not stingy, some are dirty. If some are not fetish, some are serial cheats. If some are not serial divorcees, some are too proud. The list goes on and on. The factual truth remains that not all of the people from a tribe/place will truly exhibit the ridiculous labels others have tagged them.

Summary? Whatever you wish to hear here will not be true and will not be good judgement. I'm suspecting your relative may be in a long-distance relationship and under some kind of pressure to settle down, hence the need to ask this question online. Please tell your relative to get close to this man and know him for who he truly is, and not what others have labelled his tribespeople to be.

PS: I'm not from Ibadan although I lived there for over a decade.

Every man is designed differently and is therefore different from the other fellow. While certain factors such as tradition, environment and the society can be great influences in what a man becomes, it still remains true that we are all different.

Your relative should study this man personally and if possible ask people who know him to tell about his character. That way, she will be better informed than the stereotyped and prejudiced comments you will get here about a group of people who will definitely be different from each other with regard to how much of a good husband they can be.

0luwatope:
Ever since I found out I'm an INFJ, the rarest personality type, also an introvert... Somehow it has boosted my confidence.

I now talk to girls like I'm a prize to fight for, no worries anymore.

Plus, I no longer masturbate, It feels like it affects the heart and someone's confidence somehow. I can now flirt with girls easily, engage in cool convos and hang out with the opposite sex

What else.... a lady is currently falling for me, let me keep shut about that for now, she might be a future wifey cuz our hearts are somehow connected.

People say I'm boring, but they don't know me... I don't even want them to know me, lol.
I'm actually very playful around those who I'm convenient staying with.

Introvert rocks for those who didn't let the society push them around

You couldn't have said the bolded part better!

Darkseid:
I totally agree with you, both introverts and extroverts can be shy but that of the introverts is usually worse.

Yes. It's usually worse because Introverts find it tasking to gather all the social skills needed to be learned to overcome shyness. Extroverts don't have a hard time because they thrive on social gatherings and exposures naturally.

EsotericMonk:
I agree with you brov, but guys need to realise that when he appears hesitant and shy to the lady, he emboldens her and gives her unnecessary liver.
Guys need to understand that girls don't bite, however our ladies too aren't helping matters. They are soo frigid and boring.
Well my advice to shy guys, if you want a lady, find a conversation starter and go with it. If you can't do it physically, find a way to get her contact and take it from there.
E just dey pain me as babes who aren't worth it dey claim star ontop guys head.

Well, everyone is a star in their own right. I do get your point though. And as you said, both parties (guys and ladies) have their input in this boy-meets-girl squabble that has been in existence since time itself.

Darkseid:
It seems a lot of people in this thread don't know the difference between introversion and shyness. Most guys commenting on this thread are shy with very low self-esteem.
I'm a very introverted person but talking to anybody ain't nothing to me. Most of the so-called extroverts around me always wait for me to act first before they follow. Introversion doesn't make you to be scared of ladies; shyness and low self-esteem does.

I agree with you that many people don't know the difference between introversion and shyness. Some, in fact, see the two terms as synonyms.

You should agree with me, if you have been following the thread for a while, that the misconception is continuously dealt with here. Most of the people you refer to are actually introverts who are also shy. And you should agree with me that unlike shy extroverts, it takes shy introverts longer time to break off their shyness. And where else should they seek help if not from other introverts who may be dealing with similar issues or have dealt with such issues in the past?

Many a great relationship has crashed due to issues around tribe, cultural beliefs, family traditions and the 'almighty' religion. Although your guy is not very attached to his church, he is very attached to his mother who is attached to the church. By implication, as long as his mother is alive, he is attached to his church. he therefore sold you a lie when he told you he wasn't attached to his church. His saving grace is that you have barely known him for three months before this revelation - so I wouldn't say he was being deceptive.

He claims to love you but he loves his mother more. And he hasn't even known you for very long compared to his mother whom you say has sacrificed a lot for him. I would think he should have mentioned you to the mother first and get to know her thoughts towards your relationship. Who knows, maybe - just maybe she would approve of you. For him not to do this, it either means he doesn't know what he wants, or he fears his mother or he is hiding something.

A mom should ordinarily not dictate who a child should marry, she should only guide that child to do what is best for the child. But around here, that's a rarity. Parents sometimes blackmail their children into making certain marital choices and the end of these marriages often lead to regret anyway. But do we learn?

Like someone rightly said, "be happy that you found this [out] on time" because even though you have deep feelings and affection for him, it's only been three months and you haven't gone too far. It's better you let go. It takes two to tango and if he won't take any bold steps for the two of you to be together, let things be. Get yourself busy and engaged enough to not think about the situation too much. Limit your communication with him as well so you can rebound. It may be slow and tough but in the end, you'll not be filled with regrets.

All the best.

0luwatope:
Someone got me angry today, a guy I barely know in my street called me a proud boy, he is definitely older than me, he said it to my face I'm too proud....

Since 8pm, I've been angry, I get angry for hours, whenever I'm angry, all I would do is listen to music, press phone, meditate, stay alone, and all these would last for hours

As I am typing this, its 11:40pm already and I still feel angry and sad

Why did he called me a proud boy?? Simple, my mum always wants me to drive her everytime or send me errands where I would have to use her car so whenever I drive by their shop, lots of guys always hail me, shouting for no reason so I decided not to look at them again whenever I'm driving, I only greet them whenever I'm walking, this is what made him call me a proud boy today, chai, this street don tire me. That's the more reason why I prefer estates, everybody minding his own business, just like me

You really shouldn't be angry at all. 'Why? 'You may ask. Since you know the exact reason the fellow called you a proud guy and you also know his claim isn't true.
You see, rationality rarely precede emotions and that's the reason many of us waste emotions on unnecessary things. Always take a minute to think about why you're expressing every single emotion and you'd often see there is absolutely no need for some emotions especially negative ones like anger.

emperordachris:
tanks bro...there was this one dat snubbed me. But anyway...it doesnt really matter

Yeah... It doesn't matter. Ladies do that for many reasons and it sometimes doesn't even have anything to do with the guy. She may be in a hurry, she may have loads on her mind or she may just not be in a good mood for small talk generally. Also, because of how much guys have abused the idea of walking up to a lady and saying all sorts like, "I saw you from afar and I just like what I see," - when she isn't some shirt on window display - some ladies tend to ignore random guys who just walk up to them.

The whole idea is, be careful how you walk up to a stranger and start talking randomly. If you do the approach bit right, those you meet won't ignore you. Your goal is to make friends and increase your confidence, not appear like a nuisance.

GloryIsaac:
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Lol. This picture got me laughing. Don't tell me it means what I think it means.

emperordachris:
hey guys got to meet two gals yesterday
couldn't believe I could do it... my friend pushed me to it...

Well, like I said, "if you can overcome that little inertia barrier, you'll sail smoothly."

Just remember to treat everyone you meet with respect and be yourself.

emperordachris:
The heartbeat race nd the panic attack na die...makes me shake at times.
Creating an opportunity is sometin i ve been thinking of how to do. For example there is this gal i wanted to talk to today, but she was with her friends all along. This got me discouraged cos im finding it difficult to handle one person talkmore of with her friends.
I will read up the previous 10 chats

Yeah, I get the shaking. Trust me, if you can overcome that little inertia barrier, you'll sail smoothly. About the lady you wanted to talk to, I'm sure another opportunity will show up and she'll probably be alone or with only one friend. Just be spontaneous and calm when you do get to have the encounter. But just remember to not appear forward or presumptuous.