₦airaland Forum

emperordachris:
Im introverted....i find it hard talking with people i dnt know...at times wen i go out with my friend i seem to be invisible.
I ve already spent 2 yrs in the uni.
My relationship with the opposite sex ve suffered..lost people i liked cos of been scared to approach dem.
Im workin on my self dis yr, but i still ve a problem overcoming the nervousness when i approach a gal. All help offered will be highly appreciated.

It will be very helpful to read up a few pages, say the last ten, from this thread. Don't worry about the nervousness you feel when you want to approach the opposite sex. Just feel calm and collected and wait for the right opportunity to talk to them. You can in fact create an opportunity if it's not forthcoming.

If it's a coursemate, chat her up about a difficult course. If it's a student of another faculty and you're meeting at the cafeteria or something, ask about the day or the weather or the food sold at the cafeteria. The idea is, always talk neutral and do not talk to a lady and express interest straight away. Get to know that lady first. If you've had a great conversation with her and you feel you won't see her again easily, ask for her contact and let her know you enjoyed her company and would like to chat with her sometime later. Be polite and don't be scared of rejection. Life goes on if you get rejected.

Note, you'll get panic attacks or have your heartbeat race when you want to try these, but take a couple of deep breath and relax yourself - the nervousness will go away. Just practice and don't try to rush yourself. You'll be fine.

The very concept of choice has been grossly misunderstood by many in today's society, and it is in this light that I applaud the OP's last statement: The first step is the realization of the fact that we always have a CHOICE.

As MissWrite stated, our choices are very much products of nature and nurture.
As for nature, well, only little can be done to change the impact it has on the choices we make, save those who have attained self-realisation and are able to tap into their subconscious. As for nurture, that's where the problem really lies. Our society, environment and traditions have led to the domestication of our people into the erroneous conditioning that our choices are limited - either by our collective past experiences or by the baton-wielding sentimental judge cum executor called society. This, of course is the reason a maltreated junior maltreat another junior when he becomes a senior. Suffice to say, that junior doesn't know any better but is limited to that choice he made because he isn't self-aware.

We do of course always have a choice. So when I hear people say, "I had no choice then to do this or that," all I actually hear them say is "I do not really know myself so I let something else decide for me." It's at this point I'll borrow the words of LordKO - who I have quietly followed on this forum for a while, that in this matter of choices, "The importance of conscientiousness can never be overemphasized." So it goes without saying that Socrates' words resonates still: "Man, know thyself."

While I do not believe the power to choose is one of illusion, unlike with 'free will' where I sit on the fence, I think we must train ourselves and others to be fully conscientious and to be aware of the full consequences of every choice we make while letting oneself and not influences such as society, vengeance, selfishness or greed dictate for us. That way, we will not be full of regrets in the end of our lives even after we may have grown some conscience in some future time.

Geofavor:
I greet the house.

You're greeted.

Donharrie:
It can be tracked. What you don't know is that every mobile SIM card is a tracking device to the GSM company. If needed to know, they know where the SIM card is each and every moment either on or off using laser and cloud satellite technology provided the SIM is not destroyed yet

Oh, okay. That might explain it then. Although I believe the SIM as a chip is only a slave as it depends on phone power to function in any way. Thanks for the info.

Just out of curiosity, is it possible to track a phone that is unavailable such as one with a dead battery? I know you can locate the last cell tower it got services from and therefore have a couple of mile radius the phone will be in.

But if the dead phone is in transit, can you still track it? I'm no tech person but I was surprised you said you could track a phone that is unavailable is all.

Wonders never end!

phemmyfour:
Are you daft? Did I say it won't carry comma or be in all CAPS. I said "it comes first"

No, I'm not daft. And you didn't categorically say it won't carry either comma or be in CAPS.

Here is what you wrote:

phemmyfour:
Its not practice all over the globe. On CV, surname comes before the first name

You introduced your contribution with "It's not practiced all over the globe," then went further to state an apparent contradiction to the OP's correction. By all grammatical rules of semantics, it means you were trying to assert that your last statement holds true in some domain albeit not universally.

So you shouldn't have questioned my sense of judgement at all as it is not questionable. What has become questionable at this point is your understanding of grammar.

I know you may be tempted to question my sense of judgement even further, or resort to outright abuse, but be informed that I owe it to my sense of judgement to refrain from any form of discourse with you henceforth.

phemmyfour:
Its not practice all over the globe. On CV, surname comes before the first name

That's not true. It should carry the comma after it or be in all CAPS. That's the right way as the OP explained.

LadyHeaven:
Processing... Love hard? I don't know about that , stare into his soul all day? I would really love that

Lol.

LadyHeaven:
Mine...I can't seem to look a guy I like in the eye...which kian gbese is d@? Granted I am introvert but abeg

One possible reason you can't look the guy you fancy in the eye is because you haven't come to know him. Although it can be a symptom of shyness too, but Introverts process relationships much slower than extroverts so it's very possible to avoid eye contact because it feels like your personal space is being invaded.
I'm also guessing you love hard once you fall in love so maybe you subconsciously avoid the eye contact to keep yourself in a "safe" zone.

Whichever way, I don't think it's something you should see as gbese though because if you get to know a guy eventually -especially if he checks all your tick boxes, you will feel so relaxed with him that you can stare into his soul all day.

jokepearl:
Who told you honeymooning is not seeking God.

@Op
Deuteronomy 24:5
If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married.

Sure this is self explanatory.

@zakkyoz, this advice by jokepearl is all you need. See, don't be carried away by all these religious activities that God sometimes doesn't even appreciate (Read Isaiah 58).

Pastors make their church members go on 21-days fasting but there aren't 21-days outreach where the poor are fed or the sick are taken care of or the prisoners are visited. Don't get me wrong, fasting is good but is that enough reason to fail in your primary duty as a newly-wed man? Even soldiers that just wed do not go to war so as to enjoy their wife and you're saying you want to skip honeymoon. I'm sure you won't be on the 'moon' for 24hrs in a day, so fast till 12PM and be on the 'moon' for the rest of the day. I'm sure God won't punish you for that so why should you?

abertedze:
Thanks for all the contributions. I personally have prayed and from the revelations/dreams I've had,plus counsel, I see this as God's will for me. Nothing is really guaranteed in this life and truly only God knows tomorrow.
The issue is my mum,she has turned a deaf ear and has said she won't approve until her own pastor gives her his go ahead. My dad is a no go area cos when it comes to spiritual things,he always takes my mums side. Besides,being the only girl in my family,i won't want to build my future home on.this foundation.
I am currently still praying on the issue and trusting God for this issue to be settled latest by the end of this month. But my Bobo has made it clear that we can't go ahead without my parents approval (tho he says it doesn't mean he will end d relationship....
.but how long will I keep him waiting)..
Once again thanks for all d words of advice.

This is a serious fix and I just don't get how we have used religion to create a mess that didn't exist in the first place. Culture, common sense and tradition demand we get Parental consent and blessings so it's not advisable you go ahead with the marriage without their consent.

Since your mom said, "no pastor's go-ahead, no approval," I think you should first go and see your mum's Pastor. Ask him for what God has said about the union - the exact words. Then tell him about your own convictions. Let him understand you're not bent on the marriage but you need to be sure that you're getting God's message live and direct (This doesn't have to be completely true, it's just psychology).

So, you will then ask him politely to help pray to God on your behalf that God should show you personally that you can't marry your man. Use the example of Elisha praying to God to open Gehazi's eyes to see the invisible hosts of heaven.

Truth is some pastors misinterpret God's message. And some just speculate based on feelings and premonitions but not by the Spirit (of course they all call it spirit).

The outcome:
If he is a true man of God and God wants to use him for you, God will surely reveal that "don't marry" message to you as well after the pastor has prayed.
Now, if you don't get any message, go back to pastor and let him know there was no message. Chances are he may doubt himself if he is not full of himself, and he may change his message maybe. Or at least give your mom a go-ahead. At least, you would have made a move.

And whichever way, since you believe in prayers, pray your way out of the situation too. Ask God Himself to convince your mom if truly you're a match for the guy. Personally, I believe personal conviction, true love and inner peace in both the couple are the very foundation of a match.

Shalom!

whillyamz98:
How do i really get to express myself without talking too much?

Sign language and/or microexpressions...?

Just kidding.

I actually don't understand your question. Maybe if others do, they can answer. Or you can try to explain what you actually mean.

whillyamz98:
My only problem with wooing a lady is fear of rejection. And probably my height

My only problem with wooing a lady is fear of rejection. And probably my height

We all get some form of rejection at one point or the other in life. So we must learn to deal with it. As a child, your mom denied you that candy; your friend denied you the chance to play with that toy and life denied you the opportunity to keep your primary school friend when going to secondary school. So.... rejection is normal and we must be able to deal with it and accept it when we must.

In fact, some rejections are blessings, not even in disguise. What if that lady with a pretty face is a devil at heart and she rejects you? Should you not sing a song of Thanksgiving? My point is, do not fear rejection - not only is it part of life, it can be a good thing.

As for your height, my brother, it's the same thing I just told you about rejection. See, you need to begin to understand everyone will not love you. It's impossible. While one lady may reject you because you are short, another may accept you because you are industrious (while overlooking the height because she doesn't care). As a matter of fact, if a lady rejects you because of your height, be happy. She is not your own. Because if you were otherwise and she accepts you, she wouldn't have accepted you for who you truly are but for how high you stand.

My advice is this: Never try to ask out a random lady. Any lady who accepts to date you without knowing you will most likely dump you soon or treat you anyhow.
Meet the lady you fancy on neutral grounds. Then as you're getting to know her and she's knowing you, ask her out (Don't listen to all those nonsense talk that, "If you don't act fast you will be 'friendzoned'" ). She will most likely be more inclined to accept you especially if you have seen some some supporting evidence she likes you in return. Godspeed!

holluikon:
My own problem is that I can't face and talk to crowd or talk to more than five people alone.

Although I'm a shy guy and an introvert too but my shyness is little or nothing to notice, I have overcame it some while ago but I think little of the shyness is still left in me; even though I can walk to a girl and talk to her but I'm not good at keeping conversation flowing and getting her number.

I'm facing a lot of challenges now I don't know how to overcome this problem even to address a crowd and recently I was elected as the president of my faculty although the election was kind of zoned to my department but I emerged the winner without any manifesto but screening was done and I became the president. So the problem now is how I will address the departments under my faculty when we resume because we're presently on holiday.
How embarrassed would it be if a whole faculty president couldn't stand infront of a class to address them
It would be so bad.

Pls I want you guys to assist me because whenever the thought cross my mind, my heart will just vibrate as if it would just bounce out of my chest.

Guys I seriously need a way to overcome this before we fully resume.

See, you already have the solution to your supposed problem. Noticed the parts of your message I put in bold? Your election as the President will make you address the crowd and when you do, words will come out of your mouth. Maybe not perfect the first time but you will definitely do much better in no time, trust me.

Address the crowd as though you are addressing two or three people. Don't look at their faces, just look a little above their heads. And don't speak too fast. You'll be very fine. In fact, you'll post a message here in two months time telling us you didn't know you could do it as you found it easy.

Kunleajaye,

Your marriage hasn't ended yet as your topic says. I however agree it may be one on its potentially last lap. You mentioned you love your wife so much but from your narrative it appears you may not have done enough to support that statement. But this isn't about passing blames, please, just pointing out that I think you should have done more to keep your wife.

You didn't say what you want about your marriage and neither did you ask for advice as you are already coming to terms that the marriage may have ended. But if you love her and want her back in your life, then here's my take:

Like most marriages that fail, the couple first refuse to settle a difference and allow that to grow into bitterness and resentment and then they gradually spiral out of 'love.' You should try to LISTEN more to your wife and encourage her to do the same. There's a way you can deny a woman's request and she won't say, "you're not supportive of her dreams" but agree with your disapproval.

I think you should fight for your wife by going to that Nigeria she has gone to. Have a proper talk with her and listen to everything she has to say. Then you both should come to an agreeable compromise (that's what love demands). Except your wife is being dishonest - i.e. if she has gone to Nigeria for a different reason than what she said, that's perhaps the only reason she won't want to agree to this. Unless of course she has completely fallen out of love with you and wants a divorce.

I sincerely hope and pray things will work out for you and you will make the rightmost decision for yourself and family.

I don't think the problem with wooing a lady is much of an introversion thing. One cause is you're likely overthinking the situation which makes you nervous and hence dumbfounded. Of course, the overthinking can be attributed to Introversion though. Another is shyness. Whichever way, do not overthink the situation and don't try to woo a random lady out of the blues. Get to know them first like you would a guy and let things flow from there.

Happy New Year everyone!

You've just made 'uncommon' sense. The shortcomings of our generation - especially in a developing country like Nigeria include our inability to understand the importance of processes, dearth of true value system where irrelevancies, greed and vanity are prioritized over morality and passion to succeed; and the very fallacious sense of entitlement.

The best form of education any parent can yet give to a child is not just that which the child must learn within the walls of a school, but beyond that, the one which he/she must learn about life, finance, values, morality and fairness - and the child must begin this learning from the home and from a tender age.

The Misplaced Expectations one has of others are perhaps one of the biggest problems in all kinds of relationships. It goes without saying that we must still have certain exectations of our loved ones - like having our backs e.t.c. but I think to be in the safest spot where less or no strife is guaranteed, we must indeed watch our expectations and measure it too little rather than too much.

GloryIsaac:
Merry Christmas everyone!

Merry Christmas!

Emzyme:
Wow tanx

Buh I can't see how I would hate what deh stand for without actually hating them

I actually just took a cursory look at your diary and realised why you may nurse hatred for your parents. I'll admit they have not been good parents and any child facing what you wrote about may actually get to hate the parents and even get a damaged psyche in the process.

Nevertheless, I still stand by my words - don't hate them. I really don't know why they do what they do to you. Although it seems they may resent you for your personality and have the opinion that you're recalcitrant even though it's just simply that they don't understand you. I must confess, no child should ever pass through such experience from his/her parent. But if you muster strength and resist the pain, you'll turn out strong and great.

You see, in the near future, when you're older and more independent, they will respect you more and all these experiences would be a thing of the past. For now, I'd advice you play the dummy. Please them the best way you can. And get the best you can from them - education, really. This will help you fulfil your dreams and get you to that place of authority when they won't have the effect they have on you today.
And lest I forget, don't act out vengeance on them when you have turned out better. Treat them well. They will surely realise their mistakes and regret their actions. Remain blessed.

Emzyme:
Wow tanx

Buh I can't see how I would hate what deh stand for without actually hating them

Now that's what you think but it's actually very possible if you understand why people are the way they are. You see, truth is, many people are ignorant of the real truth due to their domestication. Their own 'truth' is all they know because they didn't question the teachings they were fed by the society and their environment. So it's not about them, but it's about the jargon that has been passed from generation to generation. So it's not so much their fault really, so why hate them for what they're not capable of helping?

You should determine to pass to your offspring the real truth about life and hope to correct the generation that roots from you if you can't others. That's what your energy should focus on, not hate of people who know little to nothing about the real truth.

Emzyme:
Hmm I feel.am.introverted pple say am shy
I feel.nervous walking during d day
I hate sitting at d front row
I hate pple.staring at me , jeez just kill.me
I dnt have friends , I rarely visit pple
I dislike calls , if I dnt call u dnt call.me
I hate crowded places
I can't maintain.eye contact, keep.my eyes to.d ground same as when.I walk
I cannot ans questions in public places even though I knw d answers very well, become nervous my heart beat races

I hate being compared

I rarely start conv, when I do I dnt knw hw to keep it going
Am.always by myself
I rather be alone than.with pple


I can't tell pple.am close to.my feelings , buh if I dnt knw.u ,like on.a faceless forum.I.would tell.u everything dats bothering me

Also I Hate my parents
Mayb if I had grown up.under a diff condition.,I wouldnt have to face all this

Nd deh dnt seem.to notice any of this
Dis morning my dad called me abnormal

Deh keep.comparing me to.others forgetting those pple dnt have d same challenges I have to
Face everyday

Don't hate your parents, do not!
Hate what they believe in.
Hate their domesticated ideologies
And the society that cloaked their vision.
Hate the tradition they have come to accept,
Which they blindly did without questioning.
Hate their judgemental disposition
And their warped myopic vision
Which has made them, as well as others
Compare you with another's
Without thinking how different you're designed.
Without a doubt, let your anger be at what is changeable
Not on the people who are grossly misinformed.

Don't feel bothered people don't understand you
Love yourself as you are and do everything you can
To better yourself and stand tall among the rest.
Take your back seat, no problem
Don't go out to public places, fine
Be alone and don't get a company, alright
But keep your head held high
And look into those faces
That they may see a confident you.
Let everyone know you're not broken
But your being you is default
And it makes you uniquely you.
Now, that's one sure way to make a difference.

I like that you have learned one of the greatest lessons in life: "Hardwork doesn't always guarantee success" as Solomon inferred in the book of Ecclesiastes.

Now, the feeling of emptiness can as well be felt by people in relationships. It goes without saying that the feeling of emptiness has more to do with the self than it has to do with a union or group.

You have done well so far, trust me and you shouldn't have any regrets. What you should however focus on now is to make your hardwork and dedication count. It isn't automatic, but hardwork pays in the long run if you remain steadfast and apply good wisdom.

Think about where you want to be in 5-10 years and begin to do everything legally possible to get there. Plans and reality aren't the same. Expectations get dashed and life throws us curve balls. Do we sit in anguish and give up? Damn No! In the words of Walt Disney, "we don't look backwards for very long, but we keep moving forward." Just keep moving.

Whether you get a girlfriend now or not, it doesn't actually matter. You're neither too old nor too young for it. It's a choice but make sure you're not attempting to build your happiness around a relationship. Be happy and fulfiled by yourself first before uniting with another.

Get good people (male and female) with whom you share similar values and keep them as friends, feel happy no matter the situation since true happiness roots in the heart and not in any material thing or some girlfriend. In the end, if you have done your best and followed the right path, and when God and the entire universe have smiled upon you, you will forget the feelings of emptiness you feel today and remember not the former things.

Don't give up 2 inches away from your goldmine! Dig deeper, press harder.

deleSayo, from your narration, it would seem that you have always been faced with a choice which required picking one and leaving the other. I read your other thread too and it's the same situation - pick one, leave the other.

These two choices would either, and inevitably so, leave you estranged from your family but give you a happy marriage OR make you lose your marriage and keep a conceited and selfish family that care less about you.

Unfortunately, you chose to sit on the fence through your inaction, forgetting that indolence would make you lose both ways. And you sure have - Family doesn't still care about you even though you may have lost the wife they so resent, and you may have actually just lost your marriage. Loss on both fronts. Doing a careful risk analysis early on should have informed you to take action instead of keeping quiet.

See, you will most likely never, I repeat NEVER, win the affection of your family no matter how hard you try, even if you kill yourself for their sake. But for a woman whom you confessed love to and declared here 'is the best thing that ever happened to you,' should you let her go just like that?

"Wisdom is profitable to direct." Enough people have told you the right thing to do on this thread and I needn't echo their voice as you already show reluctance to act. The only thing I'll tell you is, "do what you should have done from the start to make you truly happy - whatever that is. For in the end, that will matter the most and you'll be filled with less regret."

Olarewajub:
udo4 Wrong thread...

DonOms Thanks for the links.
Merry Christmas in advance.

Thanks. Merry Christmas to you too.

World Introvert Day is around the corner...

https://introvertdear.com/news/world-introvert-day-coming/

Thinking of the perfect holiday gift to give the typical introvert, here are 12 to consider:

https://introvertdear.com/news/introverts-gifts-holiday-season/

The Introvert's social struggle is real, and festive seasons are no exceptions. Here are 5 struggles of being the only introvert in an extroverted family gathering:

https://introvertdear.com/news/introvert-big-family-gathering/


Merry Christmas everyone. Do have a wonderful season and a productive new year 2018.

gidjah:
Me still think they know what they were doing.. They might have added some little element of 'mumuism' in to their life style but that's that Sha. The other flat mates were not happy about them at all, had to wade into their matter.

Truth is, whether they knew what they were doing or not, they don't seem to understand the consequences of their actions. You see, some people by virtue of religion, environment, tradition and/or other beliefs have been brainwashed into accepting some erroneous and archaic things that make them do unimaginable things. These are far from personality. It's more about domestication.

gidjah:
hahaha ha mental Kwa? That one na another level of. They are learned people o, the husband is a vice principal in a very reputable school up north. The woman sef na acada. They weren't just it that's the summary of the matter.may be they have issue of low self esteem too abi wetin we go talk?we intros really need to wake up and dig things up the right way. This our 'over shy and crude attitude' won't take lot of us far. I for one has out grown most of this stages..though I still cherish been alone like kilode! I value my. Privacy and perimeter too much. And if I have my way I would like to live alone till christ returns�. Any one in my shoes pls?

Introverts by default are not 'shy and crude.' We all need to understand what it really means to be introverted. Those couple didn't do what they did because they were introverts.

I was a little shy as a child because I didn't understand why I felt the way I did in social settings.
As I grew and began studying human behaviour then knew about introversion, I quickly realised I was an introvert and the shyness i thought I had died a natural death. Even though I am not shy and I can address a crowd effortlessly, I still run away from parties and crowds and don't like entertaining guests.

gidjah:
hmm maybe this is critical of, while I lived far north few years ago, I vacated my flat when I had to honor my transfer to Abuja.. I gave my flat out to this couple, freshly married, both were intros wallahi those two no dey try at all. Mumu follow join for their matter, they were both teachers in my area, by the time I came visiting that meiborhoid years back, na so so stories of hate complains full my eats. The couple weren't relating with the flat mates, the wife was pregnant and ready to deliver you can't imagine the man couldn't talk to the next guy later neibor to come help. The woman put to bed in his room yet he couldn't call the next door flat mate who is a nurse, until the new born baby died in the room yet the couple didn't raise any alarm!!! I was so disappointed at them when I came visiting. Two mature graduate married in a room but live like strangers within the compound with poor relationship. So marrying ones kind of temperament is not a good idea ever

While those couple may actually be introverts, I think their reclusion goes beyond introversion. They're either both socially handicapped or somewhat mentally moronic or suffer from a severe case of shyness. To lose a child, a whole human being, because you couldn't get help? Even if there was no money, wouldn't one rather be in debt than 'kill?' May their souls be blessed!

The union of two 'normal' introverts should definitely not result to a couple as that in your example.

Interesting posts from Introvert Dear today:

https://introvertdear.com/news/introvert-winter-best-time/

https://introvertdear.com/news/silence-hsp/

https://introvertdear.com/news/introvert-what-it-really-means/

Enjoy reading!

plavic:
No problem, we're even. Good afternoon. . .


DonOms

Good evening.