₦airaland Forum

d truth be say nothing gud dey come for free, but honestly i still dey wonder, who torture pass for chinese, russian and arabian

blacksta:
which one be eggroll sounds like sandwiches

abeg i no fit pack shit ooo

cynthoney:
madness no need rehearsal

wen u begin talk like Element G

just kw say e no get cure again

cynthoney, e be like say u wan suck mad woman bobbi

so lets see urs, dis is mine oooo

two heads are gooder than one

remove the nepa poll in your eye before u remove d toothpick in your brothers eye

buy your petrol now when scarcity in not yet occured (lollzzzzzzz)

it is in d time of your perdition (that suffer too much ooo) dat u will know you true friend (d one wey follow u die, who fit do am)

oh boy dis one na confirm kasala wey wan blow

A man was coming from work one day, and he saw that he was running late on getting home and d weather wasnt helping out. He decided to stop somewhere to spend the night. He saw a house so he went there, on getting there, he discovered dat the people living there were chinese. Well he decided to just sleep there since there wasnt any other place around and dat chinese could not possibly hurt him

He got to d house and knocked, the man opened, rushed him in and treated him nicely, removed the man's clothes, dried it and gave him new ones to wear. This man was surprised because d chinese man didnt even know him and was all the same nice to him. When it was time for them to sleep, the chinese man told d man dat he can go to sleep upstairs but his beautiful daughter too is sleeping upstairs and that he shouldnt touch her because the girl can be very attractive.

The man assured d chinese man dat he wont touch her so he went to sleep. In the middle of the night, he went to d girls room and slept with her thinking dat the chinese man wont know. In the morning, he woke up and found a big rock on his chest with a note saying "this is the punishment for touching my daugther" he laughed and said that is dis wat the chinese man can give as his best for a punishment so he took d big rock and threw it out of d window.

As the rock was falling he discovered that a rope was following d rock so he traced the rope and discovered it was tied to his left eggrole, he screamed and was like he cant let d rock rip off his eggrole so he jumped after it and felt dat he might just break a few bones but at least his eggrole would be safe. When he jumped, he discovered that another rope was following him and when he checked, the rope was tied to his right eggrole and was also tied to the bedpost at the other end. Just imagine (if u are a guy, man d pain, d agony, chai i no fit take am oooo)

yo momma so fat, she took her clothes to d drycleaners and they said no parachutes allowed

yo momma so shapeless, she went to a strip club and they paid her money to keep her clothes on

yo momma so skinny, she can actually use her ribs to grate carrots

yo momma so dumb, i pressed d doorbell of her house and she went to answer her microwave

yo momma so poor, her tv has two stations, on and off

yo momma so black, when d police shot bullets at her, the bullets came back to ask for torch light

yo momma so black , when she drinks water, she urinates coffee

So let me see wat u too got ok?

Joke 1:- a young boy goes to his father to ask his father d meaning of politics and his dad says : well son, since am d breadwinner of d family, lets call me d CAPITAL, and your mother, since she cooks and cares for u in d house, lets call her d GOVERNMENT, and your nanny, since she is d one helping out in d house, lets call her d WORKING CLASS, and lets call u d PEOPLE since your d one being cared for and lets call your little brother d FUTURE. Now d father told him to go to sleep and think about dis if it makes sense.
The boy wakes up in d midnight hearing his little bro crying, he goes there to find dat his bro has soiled his diapers, he goes his parents room to call his mom but when he gets there, his mum is fast asleep she cant hear his calls so not to disturb her, he goes to d nanny's room and when he got there, he saw his father in bed with d nanny, he kept on calling on them but they were too busy to hear so he just went to bed realising he knew d meaning of politics.
The next day he goes to his dad and tells him, dad i know the meaning of politics, its:- While the CAPITAL is screwing the WORKING CLASS, the GOVERNMENT is sound asleep, the PEOPLE are being ignored and the FUTURE is in deep shiitt!!!!

Joke 2:- Imagine if dis happened to u:- a man woke up on his birthday, his wife didnt wake him or even kiss him happy birthday so he thought dat it was normal for women since they were naggers, so he went downstairs but surprisingly his children came downstairs without and didnt tell him happy birthday till they left for school, he was sad so he went to work with a bad mood but immediately he entered his office, his female secretary (sexy and beautiful) jumped up and greeted him happy birthday, he was shocked cos dat was d first person to tell him dat so he was at least relieved, he went into his office and sat down, minutes later d secretary came in, and told him dat she wanted to take him out for lunch since it was his birthday, the man felt the girl was treating him too kind so he refused but after much persuation from d chick, he accepted and went out for lunch with her. As they were coming back for lunch, the girl said:- sir, since its ur birthday, i want to really treat u like a special person so instead of going back to work, lets just go to my place since ur wife didnt make u feel good. The man felt it wasnt too bad of an idea so he agreed, when they got there, the girl told him to sit that she was going to the room to freshen up and change her clothes dat she would be back. The man was getting tensed up ( u shuld know now, im prick go don dey dial 911).
shockingly, d secretary appeared later with his wife, children, family members (mother, father, brothers, sisters) and everybody with a cake singing happy birthday and d man just sat there on d chair naked looking like u know wat nooww,

nice one bro nice one loooooolllllllllllllllllzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

oh boy dis is just wicked haba

man dis joke is too stale, too boring

wetin u expect, na our naija boys life be dat u dey see ooooooo

Ya momma is so fat I tried to swirve around her and I ran out of gas.

I'm not saying she's ugly, But she turned 3 cannibals into vegetarians.

Your mama is so fat and her jeans are so tight. when she farts, it looks like a mouse ran down her leg.

Your mama is so fat Her clothes come in three sizes. Extra Large, Jumbo, and OH MY GOD, IT'S COMING TOWARDS US!!!

my guy romande i know say u get stupid mouth, but na ur mama i dey follow talk oooo

this joke is soo dry i can clean a rag in it

Make we just sit down assume this synerio. Assuming say our login time reach 9999, wetin go come happen to us for nairaland, wetin oga seun go do for us ooooo. I just dey o think am, abi he go close NL [color=#006600][/color]

its called DODO IKIRE VERY DELI SWEEET

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.

'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed!'

Can u believe what people do in the church these days?

I was in the church listening tothe priest's sermon when i saw a guy smoking cigarettes inside the church.

I was so amazed that i didn't know when the bottle of beer i was holding fell on the floor.

abi oooo

ABC's of ex girlfriends
A
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.

B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!

C
is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.

D
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?

E
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

F
is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.

G
is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.

H
is for Hot. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.

I
stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.

J
stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

K
stands for Kill.

L
is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.

L
is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.

M
stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.

N
stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?

O
is for On top. When on top she has another O word.

P
is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.

Q
is for Quitter. She couldn't last.

R
is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.

S
stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.

T
is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.

U
is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.

V
is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.

W
stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.

X
is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.

Y
stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.

Z
stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"

.
stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week

yeee paaahhhh

of course say ur mind

Why it's better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies , (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions

The bride tells her husband
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!" 

[color=#990000][/color]one boy was going to the hospital when he saw one boy crying. the conversation issued between them

first boy: Why are u crying

second boy: i came for blood test and for the blood test, they cut my finger

Hearing this the first boy started crying.

second boy: shey you are the one begging me now why are u crying now

first boy: i came for urine test and am just wondering,


Wetin u feel go happen to dis bobo of a boy

on a sunday morning, in a church, about over 500 members came to the church for service, suddenly some people dressed all over in black and carrying submachine guns came in and shouted that if u love Jesus stand and take one bullet for him, the choirs stood and ran away, the elders ran away, the ushers ran away, 480 of the members ran away remaining 20 of them. Then when they all ran away the guys put down their guns and joined the service. The pastor asked of the meaning of wat they just did and they said they just finished getting rid of the hipocrites in the whole church!!!!