₦airaland Forum

Ishilove:
I hear ya

Thank you.


BTW I thought by now you should be winning and dinning with the likes of Chinamada Adichie and Wole Shoyinka.

How market?

Ishilove:
Flow1759, please go through this thread: www.nairaland.com/2120260/dealing-plagiarism-nairaland-stories-rogue

Next time if you want to mouth off, please ensure you know what the Bleep you're talking about.

A moderator typing the "F" word. You can imagine.

waistaa:
. Ishilove,d matter no concern me o,but dnt u think u sounded harsh knowing the fact that u were once a floor member n a great friend to our brother.biko jiriya nwaayo

Her problem has always been that. She is too proud and spiced with being harsh.

how far for una vote?

una no dey vote again?

“junior, how we go do na? I dey hungry”

“na me hungry pass you sef?”

“you dey owe Angela any money?” I asked.

“I no dey owe her oh”

“that one mean say na your turn to go collect something for credit”

Owing Angela was done based on the how free of dept any of us was. That made me remembered Nkechi from back then, L101 etcetera.

I wished we could practice L101 on Angela, I just wished.


“Flow, you no go go watch match” Someone said.

“oooh, na true oh, Man U and Liverpool get match abi? E don start?”

“yes na, make we go watch na” Nnenna said.

Nnenna was the first female I had seen with so much interest in football, and she was indeed a very excellent pundit i must say.

“Omoh!! I want make Liverpool win this match oh” Nnenna said.

“win wetin?”

“wait oh, Nnenna, I no get money to pay to watch he ball oh!” I informed.

“no sorry I go pay for you”, She replied, “shebi you know say them no dey collect money for woman hand to watch ball for Goldberg, so I hold hundred naira here, I go use am pay for you”, That was kind of her, because as a die hard Manchester United fan, I needed not to miss that match.


“but nawa oh! Nnenna, which kin bomb shot you wear like this, you want make people leave match wey them dey watch dey begin watch your n'yash?” And to make matters worse, she carried the kind of a’ss I would rather call “Olu gbajie boys”


To none Igbos, “Olu Gbajie boys” literally means let the neck of lookers break.

Her a’ss really ached my neck as I stared. “how Nnenna take dey carry this thing sef? E no dey heavy her?”

Even though it was heavy for her to carry, she still carried it, and she had been carry such bondage for close to 25 years or so, cos i was sure she came out of her mother's womb that way. Her "heavy duty" was her greatest asset, owing to the fact that every other part of her body was ugly; especially the oranges; i mean the b'reast.





“Flow!! Why you dey waka for my back na?” Nnenna asked as we moved on.

“nothing oh”

“you are lying, you are looking at my n’yash abi?”

“I am looking at it? I am not looking at it oh”

“you are lying” She hissed, “I have given it to you severally in a platter of Gold, but you rejected”

That was true, she had s'educed me severally, but I refused falling, not because I was scared, but because something in me kept telling me not to "do".






As we passed a corner, I saw a church member of mine walking towards us.

Then; “Flow stop looking at my b’om-bom oh!!” Nnenna yelled.

“ok, I have heard you” I looked down but still I was taking few glimpse.


I looked up and saw that my church member was close, so I whistled innocently.


“Flow!! Stop looking at my……………” Nnenna yelled.

“shhhh! Stop shouting that person that is coming is my church member”

“ehen! So because your church member is coming, you want to pretend abi?”

“me pretend?”

I looked again and saw the pastor’s son ran towards the other guy and they hastened their steps.



Nnenna was all of a sudden mute and I thought that was all from her end.


“brother Peter, how are you today?” The pastor’s son asked.

“why didn’t we see you in church today” the other guy asked.

“I am very sorry,I traveled, I returned from Owerri this afternoon” I lied.

“ok, so will you be coming to house fellowship this evening?” Emmanuel the Pastor’s son asked.

“yeah!! Why not”


Nnenna standing by my left side giggled suddenly, and i tapped her to behave herself. It was a mistake that where i tapped was her precious asset; her a'ss.


“ehnnn!! Sorry! My bad! Meet my younger sister, her name is Lynda” I lied.


To take a wink took too long a time before Nnenna “lose guarded”






“make una no mind am oh, I no be him sister oh!”

“and he did not travel to anywhere, he was at home drinking beer with his brother”

“is he your church member?" She waited for response from my brethren, "And he was busy staring at my a’ss as I walked in front of him”








Oh gracious!!!!







My eyes spun.

My lips dried.

My voice seized.

My heartbeat pursed.









As my church members giggled and left, My ears were the only organ functioning in my body, so I was able to hear Emmanuel said; “brother Peter we hope to see you in house fellowship this evening”




Nnenna walked to the front laughing while I stood still like a statue.


“you i'diot!!” I chased after her.

She ran for her dear life into a compound and I ran after her.



But as I dashed in, two dogs chased after me, so I dashed back out.











The dogs were really closing in on me and I wasn’t finding it funny at all.




Some on-lookers laughed so hard like I was Charlie Chaplin.


Charlie Chaplin could run faster because at that moment my pace was diminishing because my legs were failing me.






But as I crossed the road, tragedy saved me from a bite. And i thanked my lucky star for that.



As the First dog tried crossing after me, a car screeched and crushed it dead.



The other dog stopped abruptly because it was thinking straight unlike it's dead colleague . Or so I thought.







Few minutes later

I saw some Akwa ibomites hovered around the dead dog.






I pursed and it occurred to me that I like the Akwa Ibomites had meat to devour.

IHate9ja1:
“Women of nowadays!!” like my Dad
will always say, “they don’t keep their
sacred hole sacred”

That's wats up

vickkyruby:
I ate well, waiting for dinner.

There you go

Hot Beans and Agege bread.

“Snow make we go fetch water for Goldberg?” Since the Otukpa break out, we had changed where we fetched water to distant Goldberg hotel.


Like the name, Goldberg hotel was indeed where Gold could be mined. The hotel management was so philanthropically that those that electricity forgot like us could fetch water from their tap. And at that time, Water was indeed gold.



What marveled me most was that the hotel painting colour always changed by default from Pink to Green during raining season and from green back to pink during dry season.

Goldberg Hotel was indeed a beehive of activities. Guys watching football match at the bar/viewing centre, DJ s’laming deafening sounds, and of course P’rostitutes going about their night duty.




I will never ever forget.


I will never ever ever forget the night I and Snow went just to drink beer at the bar, little did we know that that night was their dance night.

When I say dance night, I know some of you will think I mean just dance, “no be ordinary dance?”.

“no be ordinary dance oh!! No be ordinary dance”


They dance n’aked there,I mean totally n’aked from head to toe.

“make we enter dance hall go see wetin dey happen there na?” Snow suggested, “since wey I dey hear say girls dey dance n’aked here once in a while, I never ever see am with my own eye”

“ehen!! You sure say you want make we enter?” we had to decide.

“make we go see wetin dey happen there with our own korokoo eye na”

“abi you dey fear?"

“why I go fear, still I Flow na”

“ehen na, make we go see with our korokoro eye na”


And our "Korokoro" eyes saw it all.


We were right in time to meet the s’trippers c’atwalked in one after the other.

One of them wore just p’ant and was b’ralesss.

“Mr Snow!! You dey see wetin I dey see so?”

“I dey see oooooh”





We sat and ordered for a bottle each.

Soon, three ladies were in the podium dancing; next, it seemed the “Dorobucci” song made these ladies go g’aga and they danced so excellently.



Suddenly,the fair one started it all.


She resumed taking off her b’ra and moved to her p'ant like she was hot.

The hall wasn’t hot i could feel cos the A/C that blew close to my head told me to cool down that my eyes are yet to see the best part.


Best part came when the three ladies took off their “ups” and started unplugging their “downs”.


At first, I thought either they were mad or I was mad. But as I spelled my name in my mind perfectly, I confirmed I wasn’t mad.

At least I could affirm they weren’t mad too from the mare judgment that I wasn’t.






Since I was born, and now I am growing old, I have never been to an a’shawo house save that night. Inasmuch as beautiful women freaked me, p’rostitutes turns me off.


I know you guys will say, “all women are directly or indirectly p’rostitutes”, oh dear sorry to break your heart, my mum isn’t one, and she was never, but I am sure I will someday walk a very experienced p’rostitute down the aisle.


“Women of nowadays!!” like my Dad will always say, “they don’t keep their sacred hole sacred”



Before I winked, I saw three sacred holes staring at me.

“Flow!!” Snow tapped me, “you still dey alive?”

My mouth was ajar and my eyes were wide open.

That was when it dawned on me where I was; a s’trip club.


Before I winked again, the s’trippers left the podium and one of them danced towards me.



“wetin I do na?” I asked the air.

“Flow show workings na” Snow cheered.

“which workings I wan show na, Snow?”



As she danced in front of me, I tried to catch a glimpse of her face albeit the room was dark, she was really beautiful, mehn! she was really beautiful.

And I guessed she should be a graduate, she looked like one.


The Government of Nigeria dey f’uck up well well, If they couldn’t create more jobs for the teaming youths, they should at least legalize some that are already in existence, e.g P’rostitution and lying.



“I don’t have money!” I lied to the p’rostitute, when i had 10k in my wallet.


Like she saw the money in my wallet, she still insisted I took her to the room, before I know wetin dey happen,she begin shake her n’yash for on top my iroko.




Next, she brought her n’yash close to my mouth.

“nyama!! Smelling n'yash!!” Did I hear you say that?


It was my mouth that smelled badly rather; it smelled of booze.


She soon caught the message that I wasn’t a customer that could pay; that my pocket was dry, so she danced out shaking her parting frame to the up and down cardinal points.





“But Mr. Snow why dem the a’shawo no dance come meet you, why na me that one come meet?” We were on our way home to go warm and eat our beans. We had that afternoon cooked a pot of beans that looked fine when cold but ugly when hot, but the reverse was the case when tasted.



My Iroko was still standing attention when we meet Gift on the way.

“where are you people coming from?” She asked.

“we…… we….. we…..” I stammered.

“we… we went to drink beer at Goldberg”




“and why is your thing standing?”

We will be having Beans and Bread for Dinner.

kristen12:
Cook A̶̲̥̅♏ sharp sharp O°˚˚˚

There you go.

Lunch by 12:10pm.

Wasn't that really on time?

“no be say shoot bird mama fly, I wan kill that girl for night”

“but why una come dey fight wrestling for on top bird na”

Gift wasn’t only as cheap as kpomoh, to get in between her legs was cheaper.

Little wonder before I “went in there” I wished doubling the c’ondom.

But to clear my fears, I had investigated and discovered, she slept with no other than me, and of course the guy she acclaimed was engaged to her.



ADVICE TO GUYS: If you are engaged to a girl and the girl is far from you, try monitoring her, or else if she be Gift-like that believed in having a substitute in case it rains, then your guess is as good as mine.






Gift was the kind of lady that said what she wanted and went for it, and that was exactly what she did; she wanted me to oil her engine since she was far from Tochukwu. And that I did perfectly.


But again, she became a pain in my a’ss when she started falling in love even after I warned her not to bearing in mind that she was engaged to someone else.


How funny it was when she told me she can never love any other except Tochukwu and I.

Then I asked her which of us she loved more than the other, she said none. That it was 50-50.






Slapping men that asked her out was in her gene, she always slapped One or two, and sometime three men every night.



I will never forget her slapping a fat man that came out of his car just to ask her out right in my presence. Even though she told him I was her cousin, she still slapped him thundering.


How I wished I came into her life before Tochukwu, I would have been glad to marry her. But on a second thought, I wouldn’t have been glad to because Gift was so so raw.

Nigga Raw the musician will surely seize to bear that stage name if he meets Gift.


She could talk as raw as raw Egg. She talked amongst others about how I position whenever I had s’ex with her comparing it with that of Tochukwu, about how longer my Stick was when compared to that of Tochukwu, about how Tochukwu was more romantic than I, about my c'limax moan noisier than that of Tochukwu, about how I r'ammed harder than Tochukwu but he lasted longer than me, and such and such.






Another thing I don’t like about Gift was the fact that she saw herself as a member of the World Wrestling Federation (WWE).

She could beat the hell off any guy, including yours truly Flow.





I hold a first Dan degree in Taekwondo, is true. But with Gift, I was nothing but a member of Boys scout trying to fight a Sergeant in the Army; where will he start from.


I knew I could as well beat her hell, but I dreaded trying for my p’.enis sake.

Severally had she kicked my p’.enis in a technical knockout bid.

And she always won every fight not by hook or by crook, but by kick or by drag.

My p’.enis in her hand was like rubber band or chewed bubble gum.









Food!!

Forget that one!!!

She could eat the earth for breakfast, Saturn for lunch and Jupiter for dinner.

Little wonder whenever she knocked on our door, all our pots went on strike.









Stingy!!

And the winner of the most stingy girl in Nigeria is…………………………… Gift.



Gift was gifted in being stingy.


She was the kind of girl that could give you one naira and ask you to borrow her two naira. She when asking would never use the word “give”, she preferred using “borrow” instead. And most times I did borrow her, while she paid back in bed.


In bed!!





In bed, she reminded me of Mike Tyson.

She always swayed from left to right while I was still “in”her hurting my “senior man” so much.


She always gave it to me in different style, including m'onkey style. With Gift, s’ex was indeed a Royal rumble.





And wait……………………….

Kissing!!



Did I hear you say kissing?


Kissing Gift always caused me soar throat, and sometime ulcer of the mouth. And my prayer then was that she wouldn’t someday render me dumb by biting off my tongue.


Biting!!


When fighting, she most times bit her opponent especially if her opponent was female that had b’reast.

Biting b’reast was a habit that came into existence when she bit the left b’reast of Miracle the Landlord’s daughter.

That was why, even though b’low j’obing was trendy then, I never allowed her to try giving me one. Although I disgusted the act ab intio.

She so much longed for the day I would lick her l’abia. Woe betide me to do that to a lady I wasn’t married to.




Marriage!!

Gift’s prayer was that either Tochukwu or I will get married to her in no distant time little wonder she cared about my financial improvement like she was a task force officer.

That was exactly what she was; a task force officer that I remitted half of my pay daily to.

Half was all she wanted, and nothing more.

My half plus Tochukwu’s half was what she used to fulfill all her needs while the money she made co-owning a hair dressing saloon with her friend remained in her bank account smiling.




But like they say in pidgin language; “cunny man die, cunny man bury am”, I most time stole back about half any money I gave to her.

So it was a “one for the master, one for the boy” thing.


I say boy because Gift so much loved the company of boys even though she wasn’t a tomboy.



Far from being tomboy, she was beautiful.


Beautiful but her K-leg spoiled it all.

That's breakfast.

Lunch and dinner is still cooking.

“what did he drink?” Mr. Great asked.

“I don’t know oh, I saw Queen collect a glass of Vodka from him, as she drank from the same glass, she started behaving strange” One random guy said.

“what is the make of the Vodka drink?” Mr. Great asked.

“Code 1!!” Someone said.

“are you sure the drink is not expired?”

“yes, it is, it is even running my stomach!!” I said.

“will you shut up and fetch me water!!”

“leave me na, you no hear were Doc say make I go bring water?” I struggled to free myself from the fat one.






In our street, Doc was what Otukpa’s boss was called because of his medical pedigree, a bad pedigree I must say. Every woman that delivers in his hospital takes in again in not too long a time. He fathered about Eleven children from different women. Every female ailment was somehow caused by some abnormalities in the v’irgina; abnormalities he often cured with his p’enis.


“leave me make I go bring water jor!!” I freed myself.






I found water outside the compound and in my room too.




“Na now I know say una hate me” I frowned, “so naso una run leave me make them kill me abi?”

“hahahahahaha!!”

“you dey laugh abi?”

“in fact, I know say na you advise Junior make una run leave me” I was sure such mischief could be perpetrated by no other.

“hahahahaha! Abi na Junior advise me sef”


Whoever advised the other was not my concern; my concern was why they fled.

“but why una run sef?”

“you no know say Padiman see us as we dey pour the thing inside the drink, and we no want make him talk say na we put something for Otukpa drink” Snow the chief mischief maker said.



And I stumbled on the same Padiman when I stepped out of Otukpa’s compound. The same padiman asked me; “where you dey go, party don finish?”

“I dey go piss” I answered.

Little did he know that there was serious trouble inside.




"i pray make Padiman no talk oh!!"

“na our man na, him no go talk!”

Padiman was indeed our paddy, but whenever he was drunk, he could be as talkative as a parrot.




I will never forget him drinking three small bottles of Alomo bitters and arguing with I and Snow that Sokoto was the capital Of Brazil; that in fact the Christ the Redeemer statue was in Sokoto.


Yet Alomo bitters was his favorite drink, sometimes he diluted it with Coca cola, other times with Palm wine.




“guy I dey pray make Otukpa no die oh!”

“him no go die!!” Snow assured.

“you dey talk him no go die, if him die, and Padiman tell them say na we cause am, we don land for prison be that oh”

“but shebi I warn una say make we no do am?” I wished i could cry.

“guy you too dey fear fear” Junior said.

Kettle calling Lantern black, the same Junior that was always scared of little things, even a cockroach. And rat too.

Rat!!

I will never forget the night rats ate the better half of the hair in his head.




We ate Akara and bread that night, and after eating, my dear Junior rubbed off his oily hands on his hair telling us it was the best hair cream since civil war.

It was also the best barbeque since civil war to the rats that night.


“Flow!! You barb my head for night?” Junior asked the hungry Flow that sat outside thinking of why life treated him unfairly.

“barb as how?” I turned facing him, “shey I be barber?”

“see my head na!!” he showed me what looked like Banky W with a Papa Ajasco hair style.


“hahahahahahahaha!!!”

“you dey laugh abi?”

“hahahahaha!” I laughed some more.

“but how rat go chop person head like this, the rat wicked oh!!”

“hahahahahaha!!”

“you dey laugh abi? Your turn go reach no worry”

“God forbid bad thing, my turn no go reach, wetin you mean? Make rat chop my hair too?”

An unending laughter and that was it, after which he went to the barber’s shop to have a hair cut, another hair cut i mean to say.






“Paddy man!!” We saw him staggered into the compound.

“wetin dey happen?”

"you talk?" I asked.


"talk wetin?"


“mehn! Otukpa don die oh” He headlined.

“ehnnnn!!”

“you say wetin?”

“you say!!”

“what!!!” We chorused one after the other.

“him don almost die”

“you dey craze oh, which one be him don die and him don almost die again?”

“na you dey craze, why you dey curse me na, abi you think say I smoke igboh before I dey tell una this thing?”

“you no only smoke Igboh, you smoke shisha join” I almost said. Padiman could tutor Man wey dey reason in igbo smoking and in being fetish too.


**Man wey dey reason I know you are reading this, I respect your babalawo tendencies, but Padiman na first class graduate for the school of Igboh smoking and babalawology***

I know not what chronic igboh smokers have in common with being babalawo. I thank God my smoking never went chronic, maybe I would be typing this from Okija shrine by now. Or maybe not.

Padiman albeit a young man of 28 battled over fetish supremacy with oga landlord.


I will never forget him pouring the liquid from his wife's m’enstrual “kini” on landlord’s shrine, and that made landlord almost kicked the bucket.

Thank God he kicked no bucket, if he had kicked, who would had paid the 200 naira he owed me.




“I mean say, him resurrect from the dead!” Padiman said.

“so that one mean say him dey alive?” Junior was so illiterate a boy that he thought to resurrect meant to maybe sleep, or sleep walk. Or so I thought.

“so where him dey now?” I asked.

"him dey him house dey sleep"


“but after him come back to life, the first thing wey him talk na – Where Flow?”

“you say?” I was shocked.

“I say as him come back to life, him com dey ask of you”

“why na?” I asked Padiman.

“I no know oh!!”

“him oga come ask - who is Flow?”

“I com tell am say I know who be Flow, say I dey stay for the same compound with Flow”





“why you go tell am like that na?” The three of us chorused at the same time.

Schedule so tight


No delivery today


Promise to deliver tomorrow



STILL I FLOW

iyke1998 why na?

which kin quote be that.

BTW i saw your PM

November 1st 2014, 17:59pm.

“Flow Nwanne!!”

“I don high!!” Otukpa danced Red Indian dance towards me.

“Flow!! You no dey drink again?”

“why? I don drink enough na! I don taya for drink” I replied.

“abeg take!! Drink more!!” He offered me his glass of Vodka; the same glass that Snow poured the “elixir” into.


“I say I don drink!!” I turned right as he forced the drink on me.


“Flow if you drink this drink, you don die be that!” I told myself.



“drink na!” Queen danced to where I stood, collected the glass from Otukpa and tried forcing it on me.

What saved me by the bell was when my phone rang, it was Segun; the Mathematical.



“hello!! Sege Sege! How far, u don forget me abi?”

“how i go forget you!” He spoke from the other end.

“wetin dey happen na? How Onitsha?”

“mehn nothing much oh, Onitsha don taya me oh”

“why you talk like that?”

“i no dey carry woman, all the girls here no fine, If police see igboh with person, them don sanko you be that”

“I trust you na, your life na Igboh-Shayoh-a’shawo!!” What a life.

Igboh-Shayoh-A’shawo was the lyrics of a song of the late musician Dagrin, and that was the kind of life style Segun lived; The smoked weed a lot, drank like his stomach was brewery, and last but not the least he had slept with so many p’rostitutes.


“mehn, I don change that kin life style oh” He announced, and that alone called for a testimony of Sunday.

“you mean am?” I was shocked.

“yes oh, my brother don go pay for me make I start to learn mechanic”

“ehen! That one good oh”

“but guy when you go come know my place for Port Harcourt na?”

“ahan!! You suppose know say I go like come know your place na”

“so when you go come?”

“ehnnnn! Make we see as next weekend go be, I go call you sha”

“Mathematical Sege!!” I hailed, “You dey hear from James so?”

“dem never release am oh, oga lie many things put for him head, say him come thief for him house for night, when I call my brother, him tell me say Police later arrest Amos talk say him follow us chop the money”

“him tell me say Kel don get Belle for Oga, and Oga don pursue him wife comot for him house”

“him even say Sola don give Funmi Belle, so Oga say make him marry her by force”

“ehen!!”

“what of Ife?” I was curious about the one I once loved.

“Him tell me say Ife wan travel abroad go do her masters my next month”

“ehen!!”

“but how your brother take know all this things na?” I needed to know.

“him friend Sumbo don dey work for Wilo na!”

“so na that him friend nahim dey give am information about everything wey dey happen there”

“guy nawa oh!! So Oga later give that girl Belle?”

“naso na, na nonsense man na”

“anyhow sha, when I wan come Port Harcourt, I go call you”

“my credit don dey finish, we go talk leter na” he hung up.



“mehn! Thank God say no be me give Funmi belle oh! But Shola na very bad sharp guy oh!!” I returned to the party.

But I halted when I saw something that shocked me.

Queen was gulping from the glass of Vodka Snow poured the elixir into; the one she collected from Otukpa.

“don’t!!!!” A voice inside of me yelled.


I turned and saw that Otukpa had sat solemnly and was talking to himself, that was when it dawned on me that it was time to go home.


Soon, Otukpa coughed loud.

“why we do this thing to this guy, but e no good oh” I pitied him.



He coughed again, this time placing his hand on his nose.





Suddenly., he fell to the ground and wobbled left and right.


I turned left and saw the “Queen of my heart” dancing albeit off tune.

“abi the thing no dey work for women?” I asked myself.


I looked left and right and to see if my partners in crime were still very much around. They weren’t.


“where Junior and Snow na?” I asked my shadow.

“which time them comot na?”

“where them follow comot na?” I asked myself a million questions.


I turned left and saw that Queen was n’aked and her friends were struggling to cover her with a wrapper.

Albeit I took a glimpse at her n’aked body, my ”senior man” was still sleeping slumber, maybe it was as a result of the atmosphere of mayhem. Or so I thought.


As I turned to pinyaw, I collided with Mr Great Otukpa’s boss.

In pidgin, “pinyaw” is a slang that describes what Usain Bolt does in the track.



“who are you?” he queried.

“me!”

“who are you and what are you doing in my compound with bare chest?” That was when I realized I had actually took off my top.

“I………. I…………. I..” Like the Nigerian House of Assembly would say; “the I’s have it”.

“I justed came to wished Otukpa ,sorry, emm I mean Emma happy birthday and a prosperous new year in ad.......” Grammatical earthquake.

“ehnn!! And you have succeded in killing him!” He cut.

“me! Killing?”

“it is not me that killing oh?” I was fidgety.

“hold that boy, he is a suspect!”

One fat guy quickly grabbed me wholly saying “you can not run!”



How I wished I ran.




How I wished.

IHate9ja1:
Awon eleyi bad gan
Flow leeee
Oya ride on,i gbadun u
Muaah

Thank you

Ndukings92:
Snow nwannem inwere swagg.bring it on bro.

I love all my readers. All of you!!

JigsawKillah:
Oga Flow
Ride on Sir
Update got me cracking tho

That's my aim

“Flow Nwanne!!”

“Snow nwanne!!” With time, "Nwanne" became our surnames.

“Otu baba!!” I hailed back.

“wetin dey happen na?”

“mehn, make una enter house, drink plenty!”




“ooooh!! This zinc don tear me again!” I yelled.

Otukpa was living in an old, rusted zinced, Bacha.


A Bacha is not the resting place of Late General Sani Abacha, It is simply a shanty settlement located in ghettos.

"There is always a Bacha in every settlement, even where the rich lives" Is a known fact. Permit me to say the Banana Islands of this world has Bachas, depending on your definition of such Bacha. Snow's friend Innocent lived in a Bacha yet he had in it Split unit Air conditioner, Plasma TV, Home theater sound system, and leather cushion.

Only in Port Harcourt will you see such bachelors.



Right opposite our compound stood a very gigantic Bacha estate that was called Nigerian Bacha.


In Nigerian Bacha, rats, cockroaches, cats and even rabbits lived in the same house with humans.




I will never forget Sandra sleeping with Mama Nse in her Bacha hut the night Snow angrily chased her out of his house for cheating on him.



“As I sleep for bed, I no know say na for on top plenty cockroach I sleep”

“when I shout, as Mama Nse see the Cockroach, she tell me make I sleep jor, say naso cockroach dey follow them live, say in fact cockroach dey follow them pay house rent”

“I kukuma sleep like that, but as I don sleep go far, naso I begin feel say something dey totori my republic”

“I been think say I dey sleep for Snow house and him hand nahim dey totori my republic oh”

“naso I come say – Snow darling!! Take it easy it is hurting me”

“the thing don dey waka wan enter inside my republic before I come jump up”


“hahahahahaha!! So you been no wear p’ant that night be that?” I asked.

“I no wear na, no, I wear, I don pull am keep for house before me and Snow com quarrel, and him com pursue me comot for him house” She narrated.

“but why you no go another person house? Na Mama Nse dirty house you go”

“Mama Nse nahim be my only friend for the whole of this street na, and na only she come carry me the time wey Snow slap me I com fall for ground” The ever English Speaking Sandra had all of a sudden changed to speaking pidgin.


Legend has it that people from Akwa Ibom State of Nigeria are the most settlers in Bacha. Legend also had it that Bacha settlement is conducive for matting, little wonder Mama Nse already had Fourteen children before her husband passed on.

Rumor had it that her husband died of extreme s'ex.

Like they say; "like mother, like daughter", Nse could be described beauty in thorns. So many thorns.








Nse!! Oh Nse!!

The only girl that made me walked on water and sank like Peter my name sake in Bible.



One morning, I went to Angela’s to buy toothbrush, and since it rained at night, I had to watch before I leaped as i walked.



“Angela I wan buy close up!!”

And coincidentally; “Angela, I want to buy toothpaste” Angel 1 said.


The inscription “Angel 1” written on her top wasn’t a mistake, it was rather an understatement. It would had been best “goddess 1” was inscribed.

“hello angel!! You want to buy toothpaste?” I asked.

“yes”

“wow! What a coincident, I too want to buy toothpaste” I brought my face close to hers, like she asked me for a kiss.

“hmmmmnnn!! Your mouth is smelling” She said.

In addition to the fact that I had not washed my mouth that morning, I had stolen fish from the pot of soup Sandra cooked the previous night.

“I know it is smelling!! Don’t you like smelling mouth?” I thought it wasn’t me that said that.

“I don’t!!” She eyed me and Angela laughed out loud.

“Stop laughing and give this Beautiful Angel Pisto” Toothpaste got another pronunciation in my mouth.

“Give her one Pisto, and give me too one Pisto” Pistol indeed. On staring at her fresh hot legs, my “pistol” was triggered.


“Mr Pisto, thank You for the toothpaste oh!!” All the while I thought what I was saying was “toothpaste”, that moment it dawned on me i had been saying gibberish.

Yet I answered, saying: “you are welcome pretty!!”

“look money wey you dey give me na?” I was giving Angela 50 naira note for 400 naira spent.

“sorry!! It is a mistake” I took my eyes of Nse. But not for too long.



The toothpaste she held dropped suddenly, and as she bent down to pick it, I too bent down in anticipation to see what was under the skirt she wore.

“oga Flow!! So you spoil like this!!” Angela tapped me, “you spoil pass your brother Snow sef”.


I collected my change, and as I took two steps out of Angela shop still staring at Nse even though she had gone far, I sank.



I sank into a gutter that swallowed from my waist below.


“Shame on you!!” Angela cursed.

“see your life, so na because of woman you fall for gutter” She helped me out.

“no na, no be because of woman, I no know say gutter dey there” But I saw that there was a gutter there while coming; a gutter full to the brim. Maybe I thought I could walk on water. Just Maybe!!










“why be say this zinc wey dey your door dey always tear me for hand anytime wey I dey enter your room?”

“na because the door no like you na?” Otukpa teased.



Inside Otukpa’s extra large Bacha room sat four beautiful ladies including Nnenna and Queen the house help of Mr Great Otukpa’s boss.

I crushed so much on Queen that I sat so far from her so she wouldn’t hear me fart.

Lately, a bottle of 1759 is equivalent to 2 earth quaking farts, I just couldn’t tell why. Maybe it was because of the junks I ate. Just maybe.









I had drank four bottles of 1759 when Snow tapped me, “Na you hold the thing?”

“no oh, na Junior!”

“see Junior there!” I pointed.

“Junior!!”

“junior!!” Snow called.

“where that thing?” He asked.



The “thing” Snow asked of was dried pepper, Cabin Biscuit, and Igboh ground together to powder.



Legend has it that this powder poured into any alcoholic drink, and a sip of it could make someone go mad instantly.







That was what we wished our dear friend Otukpa on his birthday.

Thank God i wasn't banned for this update.


I sometimes wonder why i am banned. Why?

“guy how much you dey owe Angela?”

“mehn my own don reach 700 naira oh”

“my own na 750 naira”

I and Snow were unrepentant debtors and almost ran down her provision shop.


“Guy naso yesterday, as Angela smell beer for my mouth, naso she com talk say I never pay her her money wey I dey owe her but I dey get money to buy beeer drink” I narrated.

“But if na Otukpa, she go allow am make him owe her for six month” Snow said, “you sure say him no dey waya her?”

I doubted, owing to the fact Otukpa could not even satisfy a female monkey in bed, no to talk of a human being.

I will never forget Nnenna Chika’s elder sister telling us her ordeal in Otukpa’s room on night.


She said and I Quote: “when I enter him room, naso I lie down for bed dey wait for am make him com show me that him thing wey him dey make mouth say e big” Of a truth, otukpa had never failed to sing songs to our ears that every person from Benue state must carry a very big “stick”; thumbs up to Tuface Idibia.


“naso my guy go bath room go baf, com enter room tie only towel”

“and me, I dey hungry for the thing make i no lie”

“we know you na!” I commended her.

“and I don high well well that night” She continued.


“which kin drink una drink na?” Snow asked.

“na Red label” She answered almost immediately.

“as him remove the towel, wetin I see ehnnn!”

“wetin you see?” I asked awaiting to hear her say his “LongJohn” wasn’t as long as he bragged.

“the thing long ehnnn!”

“e long from here reach Sokoto”

“you mean am? I never see am before! I go like see this Otukpa thing wey him dey say big oh” Snow said, “how I go take see am na” How Snow asked some really funny questions.

“if you wan see am, anytime wey him wan go baf, follow am enter him bathroom you go see am!” I advised.



“naso as we wan start work, the thing wey long like iroko tree com reduce oh”

“ahan! Why na?” Snow was shocked.

“me I no know oh!” She replied.

“the thing com small like pencil”

“we begin hold fasting and prayer make the thing rise back oh” She said, “but for where!! The thing no rise back”

“naso I laugh am com comot for him room”

“so him no come do anything at last?” I asked.

“for where! Something wey small like wetin I never see before nahim him wan use put for this my big ocean” Nnenna was too raw for my liking.

“even fowl thing sef go big pass him own!” She added.

After the orchestra of laughter ended, I said something that made Snow alone continued laughing.

“Okuko!!” Was what I said.




I will never forget Sandra calling Snow an Okuko.

It was raining one night, and as the cool of the weather had it, Sex was crucial.

I was sleeping on the floor as usual, minding my business, trying to catch some sleep, and wishing the ever hungry sex goddess Gift was there with me if not for anything, just to drive away the cold.


Little did I know that Snow had started work; Night duty.

On the bed, I heard wrestle mania, and Snow’s leg mistakenly kicked me.

“Snow no be by force to do na, if she no wan do, you no go force her na!” I almost yelled.

“ok, I agree to do, take off your clothes” Sandra said, “take it all of!”


Snow stood up, fumbled as he took of his clothe.


Just then, some cool breeze blew in from outside, and I suspected the breeze was responsible for Snow predicament that night.

“ooooh baby!!” He whispered, “I am c,,uming!”.

“coming to where!!”

“I am c,,uming ooooh!!” He repeated.

“coming from where?” I almost asked him.

“I am c’’uming….”

“I am coming out straight this time, I’m coming out with the little of my own kind of piece of mind, am doing it my way this time……………”

He wanted to do it his way just like Tuface.




The next thing I heard was droplets of what I thought was water sprinkled on my leg.

“I know say our roof dey lick if rain dey fall, but no be for this side wey I dey sleep na!” I told myself.


The cats that ran on our roof every night made our ceiling licked at about four spots, one of which gushed as fast as water from a tap. We had complained and complained to the landlord who had promised and failed severally to fix it. So we did the needful whenever it rained; put bowls to collect the water.

I stretched my hand to where the droplets sprinkled to feel it.

Lo and behold, it was “Akamu”.

Snow had poured Akamu on me instead of on his girlfriend.

Immediately I confirmed it actually was Akamu he poured on me, laughter came and i tried my best possible not to laugh out loud.

I pretended I was fast asleep, closing my eyes and formed snoring.




Soon Sandra stood up to see the mess her boyfriend had made, and what came out of her mouth was; “see you, see your life!! Okuko”.


I held my mouth with my both hands trying to murder laughter.

“your mate dey enter before them release, you dey release before you enter” She fired, “na for road you dey release you own”

Laughter succeeded in murdering me that moment.

“why you dey laugh?”







“baby you and I know it’s because I have been drinking Vodka and Red label that is what caused me this!!” Snow made me laughed harder.

“na Vodka and Red label nahim make you pour Akamu for my body?” I interrupted, “ehnnn!! Rain maker!!”



He really made a lot of rain that some part of our rug was starched. Highly starched.

High starched because Snow had been starved of sex since Sandra traveled in October.












Since that day, whenever “Okuko” or “rain maker” was mentioned, Snow laughed no matter the condition he was in.






Next day, and It was Otukpa’s birthday.





We had planned how we would pay him with the coin he had been paying us with of lately when he chased me with Dogs out of their compound, when he slept with Junior’s girlfriend and not the least but the last when he destroyed Mr. Snow’s traveling bag and told him “go and die!” Like Adams Oshiomole said.







He thought we had forgiven him for all his wickedness to us.

Well, we had forgiven him, but like Tupac said: “Forgive but don’t forget” we had not forgotten. If we had, we wouldn’t be attending his birthday bash.

And I promised this story will be the best this year.

And promised to make this story the best amongst all my stories.

And i promised to put smile on faces, and laughter to the heart of so many.


I promise........

princesssusan:
Pple lyk will never be ban, bt if dey ban you nah then u go knw d difference

If i am banned for my next update, i am sorry to say, i might go mad. Really mad!


Because i know how many hours of my time it takes to cook up an update, and maybe just because of one word, i will be banned.


Those that matter in this Literature should say or do something about it.


I cant take it any longer.


I am really angry.


"e get some people wey dey type wetin bad pass my own, them no dey ban them"


That is why i often say Nairaland is full of cliques, of which i promise never to be a pert of.


Still i Flow.......... But.......................


There is a "but"

Mayorblaze:
Flow where are u? Abi the spambot has banned you again?

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Free Flow and ban me abeg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

e ban me oh. I think this is the 11th time this year

Chimaritoponcho:
woe betide me if i no commend your writing skills mr. flow u too gbaski but the numerous twists contained in each update is way too misleading n confusing. i hope you do something about it boss
very hilarious it is

obinnau, seun, mynd, ishilove this should be in the frontpage pls. its long overdue.
udo'o!

Nice observation, I will do something about that. That is if antispambot will let me be

Mayorblaze:
I disagree with the theory of anti spam bot...

I smell hatred against flow from some mods...

Anyway free our flow or else

I am free.

But i know "anti spam bot" will ban me for the next update because it will be exclamation filled................... and Funny too.

Otukpa why?




Fourteen days after October 4th was the end of a beginning, and the beginning of an end.


“Where are you going to?” I nearly collided with Otukpa’s boss.

“me?” I asked.

“no, not you, me!”

“I said where are you going to?”

“nowhere oh”

“nowhere and you carried bucket into my compound?”

“no sir, I wan go piss” I answered.

“piss in my compound?”

“no sir, piss in the bucket” I replied.



“Emma!!” He called.

“Emma!!”

“Yes sir!!” Emma appeared.

“do you know this guy?” He asked.

“this guy! I don’t know him oh” Otukpa my friend denied me.





“get the dogs!!” He ordered.


As I heard "get the dogs", I searched for gear and speed up to the gate. But when I got the gate, I found no exist way.


I all of a sudden started pleading with the gate to open on it’s own. It did open, but that was after one of the Dogs came so close to biting my leg.





I will never forget drowning in a pool of poo in 1999 when i was the goal keeper of the White sand junior boys football club.


I was in junior Secondary school by then and there was this football competition in the cantonment for young boys my age. I permit myself to call it traditional football not only because we played it on bare foot, but because the laurels were funny.


The cup for the winning team was a condemned electric bulb wrapped with gold leaf from Cigarette pack. Not as funny as the medals that were crown c’ocks tied with stove wig and wrapped with gold leaf.


But what I liked about the competition was the price money for the winning team; a whooping 400 naira for the team and 20 naira for each player on submission of the medal the following day.












I will never forget losing my medal to fire just because of Akara.


“Mama Akara, make I help you blow fire make you give Akara”

“ok, blow am for me” She agreed.

The medal I was given was so long that it reached my navel.

It was a trend in the cantonment that winners of any football competition wore their medals always until it is submitted back to the organizers just because of the girls.

As I bent down to blow air into the fire, my medal was on fire.


The gold leaf burnt so fast with the aid of the stove wig giving me tribal marks on my stomach.


I lost the 20 naira that was given to my team mates the following evening at our home stadium - the White sand Stadium because I couldn’t explain what happened to my medal.











We were the defending champion of the competition, so as part of measures to make sure we retained the trophy, Deblani our coach asked me to be at the goal post.

I refused initially, but on seeing that our main keeper was absent, and the match was crucial, I agreed forfeiting my left mid-field position for Tobi Eto, even though I looked like an Ant in the goal post.

Jeoseme the captain of the other team was a good dribbler, and a good scorer too.

“Abu you no go tack Joeseme?!” I was fidgety.

Abu was a real "minus one" in the match, because his defending skills were far from him in that match, i know not why.

The hot shot Joeseme fired landed on the bar, and I thanked my lucky stars it didn’t land of my face; I would had gone blind; and deaf too.

In such football competitions, some spectators were utilized as the ball boys.


“Kayode, go bring the ball na” He was the only one that stood behind the bar jogging because the coach had promised he would be coming in next.


“I no dey bring any ball!!” He said.

“abeg na!” I pleaded.

I pleaded not because I couldn’t go fetch it myself, or because the ball was too far beyond my reach, I pleaded because of where the ball was.


Mama Kehinde’s shop was where the ball was, and to make matters worse, there was no one at the shop save Mama Kehinde the fat pig to kick the ball towards my direction.


If you bought a good round leather at that time, you will surely understand why the organizers of the competition had just one ball; and a good and strong ball it was, I must say.

Really strong!!

I will never forget the same ball almost rendering me “ball-less”.

“pass ball here!!” I said to Timo my team mate one Saturday afternoon while we practiced before our next match.

He, instead of passing the ball softly, passed it like thunder.

And the round leather landed on my b’alls.

“yeee! I don die oh, my b’lockus!!”

I fell to the ground in slow motion, and cried a river.

Every part of the body is somehow connected to the brain, that was the day I understood the fact in that statement.

My medulla oblongata spun like a big wheel, and I saw fishes swam round my head.

To make matters worse, that night, my mum massaged my b’alls with one strange ointment that rendered me bow legged.











“mama Kehinde help me kick the ball” I almost said.


In Mama Kehinde’s compound “lived” two Lions; no, a Lion and a Hyena.

If wises were roses, I would had wished the ball came to me and not me going to it.

“Kayus!! Keyus!! No vex na, coach go put you for match, just help me go bring the ball” Something told me that he too was scared of going to fetch the ball because of the dogs.

The referee whistled signifying that I fetched the ball fast, yet I walked majestically to fetch it.

I succeeded in picking up the ball even though it took ages, but as I turned to return, Skido chased me.




The faster I ran , the closer, Skido was to me.

If I never met Waterloo that day, then the devil had failed in my case.

I had succeeded in running round the field , so I resumed another lap to the backyard.


The sewage system of the cantonment at that time was what I would rather call “a Pool of poo”.

The biggest Pool of poo was that of The Anyakoyas; reason being that pooing was their hobbies; especially their first son Dasiya.


Like an Olympic swimmer, I dived into the Anyakoya's pool of poo and sank wishing Skido wouldn't do the same.

Soon I was drowning.

And I also swallowed some of the “custard”.

The same Dasiya that was the highest contributor of the “custard” in the pool came to rescue me with a lather.









“so Otukpa use Dog pursue you for them compound?” I had told Snow and Junior what transpired.

“yes na!! If you see as the boy deny say him no know me ehn?” I was bitter.

“their gate tear me as I try to escape sef” I showed them were I injured.

“no worry, we go treat that guy f’uck up!” Snow assured.

Anti spam bot thank you for banning me. Good bless you.