₦airaland Forum

Dear Obinnua, ishilove and HumbledbYGrace,
This is literature and writers can write expressing sound, smell, and feelings by exclamation. Therefore i see no reason why the anti-spam should ban me for trying to express sound in exclamation.
Inasmuch as i respect you guys, i was really sad, and i know my fans thought i refused to update intentionally. I pledge to still write expressing exclamation of sound, so do something about it.
Yours Sincerly,
Flow.

princesssusan:
Chai! Oga flow no kill me o

I no go kill you.

stuff46:
ahahaha, the last update was just too hilarious.

Baba keep flowing

Then you should read the next update up there.

haryomikun:
Hahahahahaha! Nice one jare Flow1759. U b confam

Thank you. Much love

Water was a big problem in the compound, and even beyond.


“oboy make we go fetch water na!” I told Junior in the morning of October the 6th.

“shey them Otukpa get water?” He asked.

“when we reach there we go know”




“where Snow go na?” He asked as we fetched.

“mehn!! Him go Silverbird TV oh!”

“go do wetin?” He asked.

“him go so that them go talk to Silverbird people about how them go show their movie for their station”


**None of you even asked me what Snow did for a living. Well for the records, Snow was an Actor, and he still is. But his volcano had not yet erupted, and it hasn’t at present**




“what of that him sugar mummy wey dey follow am act film na?"

“who? IJ?”

“yes na!!”

“guy that girl no be him sugar mummy!”

Inasmuch as IJ was Snow’s colleague, they had nothing intimate in common, and I promised if they had, I would skin Snow alive.



Why would I?


I would skin him alive just because IJ was the fattest person I had seen since Yokosuna. A step of IJ took about 2 minutes; that meant taking forty steps was rather impossible.




I will never forget me greeting her “good afternoon ma!” when I and Snow went to her place of work on a visit.

“good afternoon my boy” was her response.


It was later that Snow told me she was just two years older than me.


He also told me of how her ex fled because of how heavy and c'lumsy she was in bed. He said the lanky guy couldn’t take it any longer after breaking his leg three times while they had sex.



“the fatter the body, the more thundering the fart” I quoted that after I, Snow and IJ boarded a Taxi and she farted.

Even though the Taxi driver was her Church member, he still couldn't hold it.

“Aunty!! Take am easy oh!” He hailed.

Taking it easy wasn’t in her mind at all; she rather added one more for the road.

That made the Taxi driver searched for the road.

“comot for road!” He yelled at a road user.

“no be road be this?” The driver of the other vehicle replied.

“where the road?” I thought the fart had made him blind.

“follow here na!” IJ brought back his sight.



“guy why you squeeze your face like this?” Snow asked me as we alighted the Taxi.

“nothing oh!!”

“na lie, something nahim dey make you squeeze your face” IJ added.

“na your mess na, your mess don spoil me belle” I almost said.








“Junior you no dey hungry?” We both lied facing the roof; a characteristics of hungry men.

“I dey hungry na”

“wetin we go chop na?”

“guy anything oh, organize food na, when I go work by next week nahim I go get money”

“as for now? I no hold she-she”




Junior’s work was to couple and fix POP; and he was very good at it, I must say. A job that made him traveled far and wide Nigeria, and sometimes Togo.

He had fixed POP in one mostly acclaimed “most beautiful house in Nigeria” in Delta state.

He had fixed POP in the house of a present governorship aspirant in River State.


Yet Junior’s problem was that he was his uncle’s puppet.

He did whatever he uncle wished, even packing his wife poo with his bare hands.

Yet his uncle cared not how he fared.




Him knowing Snow was a miracle he would never forget for the rest of his life. His uncle’s wish was for Junior and other of his workers to sleep in his Pop shop. In fact for them to see the shop as a castle or penthouse.




Snow said when he met Junior, Mosquitoes had drew map of Nigeria on him due to where he slept every night, not only that, his eyes were burgundy red as a result of malnutrition.








“guy I no hold any money oh, and I dey owe Angela 350 sef”

“make I go see weda she go gree give me for credit na”







“Angela, how much I dey owe you?” I asked for the records.

“I dey come make I check?” She brought out her credit book.

“ok, your money na 3,500 naira”

“you say wetin?” I thought my ears distorted sound.

“I say your money na 3,500 naira”


“Angela, how? Which time?” I asked so many questions.

“see am here na” She opened the exercise book for me to see.




Head ache and Epilepsy caught me instantly on seeing 3,500 naira against my name.

“wetin I do na?” I asked a s’tupid question.

“wetin you do be say you dey owe me 3,500 naira, and you need to pay me before next Saturday wey I go go market”

“see Angela, I know all the things wey I buy” I confessed.

“I buy two tin tomatoes, I buy groundnut oil 50 naira, I buy crayfish 50 naira, I buy two egg, I buy pepper 20 naira, I buy maggi 10 naira” **abeg make una help me check how much be everything na**







“ok, who sell am for you?” She finally asked.

“na Joy!” I had forgotten the manner of person Joy was.



I will never forget her selling “Achi” to me as pepper.



I had bought 30 naira pepper because I overheard in the radio that adding much pepper to food was good for the health.


Since it was a bit dark while I cooked that night, I just poured the achi into the rice and beans I was cooking without looking.


Eating about 30% of food I cooked while it was still on fire was my habit.

A habit Snow and Junior later adopted and we called it “the three spoons principle”.


As I obeyed the three spoons principle, I noticed the rice and beans was slippery in my tongue; like I was munching Okro soup.

“why this rice and beans dey draw na?” I asked myself.

“e no dey draw jor!” I assured myself.



But as I managed to finish munching the half plate I took and was about to take another half, I saw that the rice and beans was unsteady in the spoon.

“wetin dey happen na?” I asked.

I was very scared.

“Snow! You put Okro soup for this rice and beans?” I almost asked.






Next, I sneezed.

“hope say no be inside that food you sneeze put” Snow yelled from inside.

“guy I no sneeze!” I answered.

“so, that thing wey I hear now no be sneeze?”

“guy that thing wey you hear now, no be sneeze, na mess”

“so you mess inside the food abi?”



I will never forget Junior farting in his Akara and Bread just because he wanted us not to beg him.

I begged him anyway, and it tasted more nutritious than it should.


I thought of throwing away the rice and beans and cook another, but thought otherwise because Kerosene was not left in the stove.


I and Snow grew pot belly after eating little of my culinary mistake.

It was the next morning that Joy came to apologize for her mistake.

Since that day, whenever Joy sold Pepper to me, I always looked at it carefully to see if it wasn’t Achi or Maggi. Or both.










“Joy!!” Angela called out.

“ehnnnnn!!”

"come here!!”

“Aunty see me here!”

“how much things Flow buy for your hand?” She asked her.

“ehnnnnnn! I don forget, I write am there na!!” She pointed at the exercise book I held.

I handed the exercise book to her, she checked and said; “three thousand, five hundred naira”

I reminded her of what and what I bought, and I also reminded her of the fact that whenever I wanted to prepare egg sauce, it was standard that I spent 350 naira excluding Kerosene an Rice.


After much said, we discovered that she had mistakenly added one more Zero to what I owed.

Angela apologized for her sister’s costly mistake and I capitalized on that to buy on credit and pay later; whenever.



Is like Togolese people cooks in reverse. Junior poured salt in boiling oil before anything else. At least even if I learned nothing from my mother’s kitchen, I learned that salt came last in every meal.





“Junior which kin cooking be this na?”

“no worry, na Togo rice I wan cook?” He replied.

“guy I no want Togo rice, I want Nigeria own” I affirmed.

Junior had never failed to argue with us that Togo his country was better in everything when compared to Nigeria.

In Economy, in Electricity, in Football, in Music, even in cooking delicacies.

He contradicted himself one day when he said Emmanuel Adebayor the Togolese football was one of the richest men in Togo; and we told him same cannot be said of Okocha or Kanu.


I never ever agreed that Nigeria with so many ethnic groups was poor when compared to Togo in delicacies, even though Snow agreed just because he had dated a Togolese lady before.






“if to say cat meat dey, we for use am chop this rice, e dey make sense well well” That was Junior’s prayer before meal.

“cat wetin?” I thought I heard catfish.

“cat meat na”

“Cat meat abi? You dey find cat meat abi?”

“yes na, you know where them dey sell am?” He asked.

“waited till night, you go kill Landlord chop”





“na my papa una dey talk of like that?” Thankgod the landlord’s son said as he knocked on the door.

There was a guy called Otukpa.

Otukpa hails from Otukpo local government area of Benue state. Emmanuel was his real name, but I and Snow preferred calling him Otukpa, reason being that he always bragged about his place Otukpo being richly endowed.

At 35, Otukpa was a gate man; a dexterous gate man with so many laurels in his kitty.






“make we go gym for Otukpa place na” I told Snow in the early hours of October 5th.

“go, I go come meet you there” He answered.

“Junior make we go na!”




As I junior headed to Otukpa’s compound, what was on my mind was that my brother Snow shouldn’t drown in Sandra’s Bamuda triangle. In fact he had created a cubicle that accommodated him alone in her Bamuda triangle.




“junior what of that your babe Beauty na?” I asked.

“she dey na! na her place I sleep last night sef”

“ehen!! That girl like you oh”

Like indeed!! She liked him for nothing else but s’ex.



I will never forget him narrating to us how he almost died on top of her.


“oboy!! This one wey your face dey like this, you chop s’hit?” I asked as he entered the house.

I chop wetin pass s’hit oh.

“ehen!”


“una know say I tell una yesterday say I go sleep for Beauty place?”

“yes na! you tell us! Wetin com happen?”

“mehn!! The girl wan kill me oh!”

“how na?”

“I tell her say I never chop, but she still say make I knack her”

“make you knack her wetin?” She might as well say he should "knack" plywood on her head.

“make I knack her na!”

“She say make I first knack her before she go give me food”

“hahahahahahahah!!! She wan kill you?”

“I wonder oh!”

“and you knack her?” I asked.

I imagined as skinny as Junior was having sex hungry. That meant, his slightly hunched back would increase, I was sure.








Junior had been working out since time immemorial yet his biceps never increased an inch.


“oboy e get one exercise wey I want make we do oh” Junior said.

“ehen!! How e dey?” Otukpa asked.

“we go draw two circle for ground, for one we go put hundred small-small stone, for the other one, no stone go dey” He narrated.

“so, you go pick the stone from one put for the other one”

“and you go bend down well well when you dey pick am oh!” He warned.

“na like this you go pick am” He demonstrated.





“I fit do am!” Otukpa declared.

“na lie, you no fit do am!!” Junior doubted.

“ok, if I do am, how much you go give me?” asked Otukpa.

“ok, make we set five-five hundred naira”

“na Flow go hold the money” They both handed over 500 naira each to me.






Otukpa started with a fart, then two, then I lost count.

“so na until you mess nahim you go know say you dey do the exercise well?”

His fart smelled more like what the Northerners call “Dawa Dawa”.

“hmmmmnnnnn!! Guy you go kill us with mess oh” I searched for fresh air.

“mumu!! That thing wey dey smell no be my mess, na my soak-away wey burst nahim dey smell” He said.

“guy na lie abeg, na your mess” I swallowed some. I mean I swallowed some bad gas.




The had picked Forty six stones, and farted fourteen times.

“how you no go dey mess, when you sabi chop nonsense!”






Otukpa could combine any food with just any food.

Bread and Suya, Mango and Groundnut, Fish and Tomato, Kuli Kuli and Beans.

I will never forget him asking me to come join him eat Kuli Kuli and Meat pie. Even though I was very very hungry, I refused.


“wetin dey happen here?” Snow came.

“them set money, if him pick all the stone from this circle com put am for this other circle, him don chop Junior 500 naira” I informed him.

“ahan!! Na small thing na, I go fit do am!!” Snow boasted.

“Guy you no go fit do am?” Junior argued.



Seventy, and Otukpa’s pace had reduced drastically.

“you can do it!” I cheered him.

“do wetin? I dey die here, you dey talk say - You can do it” I saw that the wetness in his boxers had increased.



As Otukpa fell to the ground and gave up, I rushed to Junior to hug him.

“aaaaah!! You don chop him money!!” I cheered.

“guy your mouth dey smell” I wondered why he just noticed my mouth that had been smelling like poo since the previous night.

“so na now you notice am? Mouth wey don dey smell like that since yesterday night!”


The previous night, I had eaten the spoiled beans everybody rejected. And to make matters worse, I sent it home with Kunu that seemed over fermented.







“ok, make we bet say I go pick all the hundred stone!” Snow said.

“guy you no fit! I bet all this 1k wey I just chop now!” Junior said.

“boardman go get 300 naira for the money oh!” I appealed.






Like Otukpa, Snow also started with a fart; a thundering fart.

But I noticed his fart was slightly different from that of Otukpa’s. His fart stained the white short he wore.






In no time, he was in his seventy fifth squats, that was when I realized he could finish.

“you no dey do am well oh!” Junior complained.

“I dey do am well jor!” I discovered Snow had lost his voice.


I turned to see if Otukpa who sat on a chair nearby was still alive; “Otu baba!!!” I hailed.

“mehn Flow, I no fit stand up again oh” He cried.

“how you no go fit stand up again?” I doubted.




“Emma!!” That was his real name.

“Emma!!” His boss called again.

“come and open the gate for me! I am going out!”

Emma, sorry Otukpa stood up successfully.

“yeah!! Flow, come help me move my leg oh!” He cried.

He raised one leg up, but to drop it forward took him seven years. it reminded me of Eedris Abdulkareem's "one leg up" song.


“Emma!!” His Boss called.


“I no dey sir!!! I comot!!” he answered.




Otukpa’s case was nothing when compared to that of Snow when he finished the exercise,; he hopped like a Frog and some people that saw him thought he had smoked weed.




I will never forget Eddy.

When I was still a smoker, while we smoked in our hide-out, Cosmos brought his friend Eddy to smoke, and Eddy was novelty in it.

“see as them dey wrap am” He showed Eddy the wrapping process.

“after you don wrap am finish, you go hold am like this” he showed him the holding process.

Next was the kissing process.

And like the Nursery school teacher would ask after teaching; “Do you understand?”, he asked.

“yes boss!” Eddy answered.




For a first timer to smoke two jumbo wraps meant just one thing; Mad!!

Madness was far from Eddy, and I wondered why.



We were done and it was time to go home.

“Eddy make we dey go na!”


As we walked home, Eddy walked normally, and again, I wondered why.




The next thing I saw was Eddy hopping like a Frog.

“Eddy wetin happen?” Cosmos asked.

“I just dey jump this water wey dey ground na!” he replied.

“which water?” I searched for water on the ground, but saw none.

We pleaded with Eddy to stop hopping but he refused, telling us we were F’ools who were blind and couldn't see waters that were almost forming a river.


I grabbed Eddy and took him to seat under a Mango tree.

“Ugo, hold am, I dey come make I go bring Garri wey we go give am make him chop” Cosmos left me alone with the “water maker”.


Water was indeed made, but by the skies.



“oooooh God!! Cosmos where you na? rain don dey fall” I cried.

“rain wey I go dodge!!” Eddy scared me.

“dodge as how?” I asked him.

“you no know say I sabi dodge rain?” He freed himself from my grab.




He all of a sudden started meandering so fast towards different directions like a Snake would.

Not just that, he took of his clothe and was n'aked.

Not just that, he bent down and brought his mouth close to his “Serake Dickson”.




He suddenly started sucking his own d’ick, and I ran.




No, I ranned, according to Man wey dey reason

“Ugo!! Where you dey run go?” I collided with Cosmos.

“Guy bush Dog dey come!! Run!!”



It was in the era when some strange Foxes invaded people’s farmland, and the fear of such foxes was the beginning of not being eaten like Martins who the Foxes ate for lunch a fortnight.




“bush Dog!!” I saw Cosmos ran faster than me with the bowl of Garri on his head like he Hawked Garri.

Mehn!!!

sai Baba!!!


https://www.nairaland.com/1804027/free-n5000-writer-here-every/61


Vote!!

marioking:
In the Guinness book of record, Jesus said Flow1759 will soon be a Legend, we all need to give him 33 claps now because he is making us Harp in fact he is a Star



I have been following your stories right from igbo boi wey like yoruba, believe me you are da real bomb in d comic section!

Ihate9ja1 how far naw?




Still you Flow

Do you have PVC?


Have you voted?




https://www.nairaland.com/1804027/free-n5000-writer-here-every/61

marioking:
MAXIMUM REGARDS TO YOU


Update biko

I have don that, have you voted?


https://www.nairaland.com/1804027/free-n5000-writer-here-every/61

Emperortj93:
Oga flow, the way ur head they hot this days, I sure say if I put yam he go don am
till we all flow
we feeling u here in Somalia

Soma what?

Ehnnn! make una vote for me for the best writer of the month, i just saw i was nominated.

Sai flow1759!!!!!!




https://www.nairaland.com/1804027/free-n5000-writer-here-every/61

Her name?............... Gift.

Gift was a characteristics of "Igbo by nature". She walked like Igbo, spoke like Igbo, and even dressed like Igbo.

I asked her out that night, and she agreed to date me that same night, Maybe because I was on my best look, all thanks to dusting powder. I look more handsome when on dusting powder, take note.

I saw her as cheap as Tomatoes.

And indeed her language intonation was like that of a typical Lagos Tomato seller.





“who dey house?” Someone knocked at the door one hot afternoon while I had seista.

“who be that? Who be that person wey com wake me from this sweet dream wey I dey now?”


I was in a sweet dream indeed. In the dream, i was chilling out with Obama, Charles Tailor, Angelina Jolie, and president Goodluck Jonathan.

And guess what? They all took orders from me on how to run their lives.




“na me!! na landlord!!”

“which kin bad belle this landlord be sef?” I murmured.

“you say wetin?”

“I say I dey come”

“your brother dey house?” He asked as I opened the door to see his wrinkled infested face.

“him no dey, him comot!” I answered.

“where him go?” I wonder why landlords in Nigeria always cared about the whereabouts of their tenants.





I will never forget the last landlord that cared about my whereabouts; it cost me almost passing a night in the cold street of Owerri.






We had not completed the payment of our house rent when we were in final year, and students in same shoes as us had all fled to their various homes; leaving just me and my roommate in the hostel.


Such a big Hostel, and it housed just the two of us, and of course the gateman.




The Landlord had warned severally that those that owed him should pay or face the police fair and square.

Square!! It was like putting a square peg in a round hole to plead for such wicked a landlord to give you more time.

More time!! more time was what we need. More time to flee to Lagos without paying.


So we deviced a means; we deviced a means to flee home after our last paper without paying the 6 months house rent we already owed.



So one afternoon…………………………..

“Papilo, Good afternoon oh!” I greeted the gateman.

The Gateman was fondly called Papilo, even though he was far when compared to Kanu Nwankwo’s looks. In fact he was the direct opposite of Kanu Nwankwo.



Kanu is tall, while Papilo was as short as Maltina Bottle, Kanu is Handsome, while Papilo’s face was as rough as the stone Mama Alhaja my landlady during service year used in grinding pepper. I will never forget mistakenly seating on it and it injured my butt. Kanu speaks well, while Papilo spoke words like: “Weather or weathern’t”. Kanu's head looks like bicycle seat, while that of Papilo looked like Mango. Kanu’s wife is as sparking as spring water, while Papilo’s wife was a bad sight to behold, except on Good Fridays.


I never forget Cletus a co-tenant calling her the most beautiful woman in the world just because she prepared us fried rice on Good Friday.



One fried rice too many.

I ate the fried rice both in reality and in dreamland.

And guess who prepared me the fried rice in dreamland?

Stephanie Okereke!!



Stephanie’s rice tasted different; it was very very peppery.

I coughed my way to reality when I took the first spoon.

I caught a seemingly incurable cough that lasted for two weeks, and i will never forgive Stephanie Okereke for that.


Since then, I promised never to eat in the dream again, so I drank water.

I always saw myself drinking just water whenever my spirit wives cooked.





“Good afternoon my boy!! Landlord ask of you oh!!” Was a shocker.

In as much as i was a very popular guy in the hostel, the landlord knew me not, because my roommate was the one that always went to his office to pay our rents.

“you say?”

“I say Landlord ask of you” he repeated.

“Wetin him ask of me for?” I needed to know.

“nothing oh!! Him just ask of you” He replied.

“so? As him ask of me, wetin make I do?”

“nothing oh!! Him just ask of that guy wey dey stay for room 25 wey get big chest, and e no get anybody wey get big chest for this hostel except you?”


I can’t remember me and the landlord’s part crossing except of course Papilo told him more about me.

Since the day I refused lending Papilo the 4000 naira he asked of, he hated me like a plague.





That night as I slept in the room waiting for my roommate to come back so we would eat the little Beans left in the pot together, I heard a car drove into the compound.

Since it was just I, Papilo and My roommate that was left in the compound, I was trying to figure out who drove in.


My roommate had no car, unless of course he stole one, Papilo never owned a car, and will never own one, although he told us he drove armored tanks during the civil war; which I doubted. And me? I owed more cars in dreamland than in reality.

I will never forget owning Escalade EST in my dream, and driving Tonto Dike to Miami beach on it.



As I heard Papilo opened the gate and the car drove in, I rushed to the window to see who it was.

Lo and behold it was the landlord.

And two Policemen were standing by his side as he came out.



I had seen Jackie Chan jumped down from three storey building in a movie and I saw it as film trick, not knowing I could do it too.


As I jumped down the two storey building, my ankle dislocated but I cared not.

If Jumping down a two storey building was that easy, then jumping over a fence about my height was chicken feed.



Soon I was in the next compound, with dogs chasing me around.

That was when i realized i had the potentials of representing Nigeria in Marathon in the Olympics.

As I ran, I pleaded with the beasts to forgive me.

The owner of the dogs laughed and laughed instead of him to do the needful.

He did the needful, but almost too late, then he asked me why i jumped over the fence. After i explained in Swahili because his two dogs stood by my side, he freed me.







My phone wasn’t with me, I would had called one or two friends that would had allowed me passed a night in their house.


Some of my friends that were not writing carryover of any year 3 course like I and my roommate were all gone. The few that were left were staying very far, and sad enough I wasn’t with money save 10 naira.

80% of students had gone home and the street was cold, and I wore just singlet and boxers.






After doing about 55 frog jumps, the villante guys offered me a place to lay my head. The same head they had threatened to cut of.








“him go church!!” I answered.

“ok, when him come, tell am make him come see me”

“ok, oga landlord, I go tell am” He took two steps.

And two steps backwards.


“ehen!!! Una polish still remain?” He asked.



That was another thing I disliked our landlord for.

marioking:
In the Guinness book of record, Jesus said Flow1759 will soon be a Legend, we all need to give him 33 claps now because he is making us Harp in fact he is a Star



I have been following your stories right from igbo boi wey like yoruba, believe me you are da real bomb in d comic section!

Ihate9ja1 how far naw?




Still you Flow

You be correct!!!






Still you Flow too

The morning of October 3rd.

“Snow!! Buy me Suya!! I want Suya!!” Sandra’s love for Suya had increased by the day; from 200 naira suya per day to 300 niara, and soon to increase to maybe 500 naira per day, she was really rendering my brother Snow broke.

“ok! Lemme go and buy you the suya na!”

“both of you want to go, and leave me here alone?”

“u dey fear? You dey fear cockroach?” Snow teased.



Cockroach had entered her “kini” area and cause havoc the previous night.


Sorry to disappoint you, when I say “kini”, I don’t mean “kini big deal………… kini big deal…………… shebi!! Shebi!! You all gonna like it……….. shebi!! Shebi” like Naeto C sang. I mean the main kini in between a woman’s leg.




The wrapper she tied to sleep that night was the same wrapper I hurriedly wiped out the wetness in my hand when I finished washing smoked fish.

I did that because I needed to go see a crush of mine as she passed with the hope of talking to her. A lost hope.







At night as we slept, what woke me up was: “remove your hand from there?” She tapped Snow.

“from where?” Snow asked.

“m’umu boy!! You no go remove your hand from there? Abi na that place go cure the wound wey dey your hand?” Snow got injured in his finger by a nail while he tried to squeeze himself into his very tiny kitchen.



His kitchen was so tiny that I sometimes seized my breath whenever I meandered in, not only my breath, my fart too.

I will never forget farting and a plate broke.



The plate was so so close to my butt, so I tried my best possible not to make it fall to the ground.

It did fall to the ground, but not as a result of my butt tilting it, it fell as a result of my “thunder Balogun fart”.



Since I came to Snow’s house, I had broken four plates in total; Two by fart, and two by not obeying the simply rule of stiffing one’s body while in the kitchen.


I had told Snow severally that we should change the position we kept dirty plates; it was too close to one’s butt as one entered.











“I say remove your hand from there!! It’s tickling me”

“my hand is not any where na!!” Snow answered raising his both hands up for Sandra to see.

They thought i was fast asleep.




“yeeeeaaaaaah!! Cockroach!!!” Sandra rolled out of bed and landed on me as I lied on the floor.

“Cockroach eeeeeeeeeeh!!” I held her firmly, and bounced up and down like we were having s’ex.

I bounced up and down while she unwrapped her wrapper to reveal her n’aked body.

“where the cockroach na?” My hand was heading to “destination unknown”.

“Flow!! Where are you putting your hand?” She covered her body and stood up.

“I dey help you find the cockroach na!!”








That cockroach must have swum in River Niger, I must say.

I say so because whenever Sandra wore leggings I always saw the tributaries.

But what was I to do? Snow really loved his girlfriend, and woe betide me that I should snatch her from him.








“A’boki give us 300 naira suya!!” Snow ordered.

At that moment, what I longed for was for the A’boki to offer us “testing”.

“see testing oh!!” He offered us two pieces of meat.

I hurriedly threw the pieces of meat into my mouth.

“where my own na?” Snow asked.

“walahi! Na two suya I put, your friend I don chof am” Said the A’boki.

“Flow naso abi? I go do you back”

I smiled and chewed.

But as I continued chewing, I noticed something.

“A’boki, why the suya strong like this na?” I asked.

“e strong?”

“yes na!!”







Talking of strong suya, I will never forget Junior being a PHD holder in strong suyas.



As we sat in car wash drinking one evening, Junior joined us with a wrap of suya in his hand.

“oboy make una see suya oh” he offered.

A glimpse at the suya on the table got me salivating, so I hurriedly sent two pieces for munching.


The two pieces I sent into my mouth turned stone and I almost lost a tooth.

“wetin be this na?” I yelled.

“wetin?”

“this!!”

“ok, you like the suya? Na correct suya oh”

“you dey crase!! Your mate dey buy suya wey good, you dey buy suya wey strong” Snow caused.




Junior was not only good at buying strong suya, he was also very very good at buying spoilt suya.

I never forget him putting spoilt suya in our Egusi soup.


If my intestine refused coming out through my a’nus that day, it will never come out even if I eat two weeks old Beans. Or so I thought.




“who dey toilet!!!” I cried.

“na me oh!!” It was Junior.

“cabarabbarabhatealaha!!” I spoke in tongues.

“abeg do quick oh!!”

“do quick make I no s’hit for body oh”

“gbuuuuuur!!”The choir in my stomach sang praise.


I swatted, and it was like the poo would drop, I stood, the same thing, I sat, the same thing, so I jumped.


I was still jumped when Snow came.

“Flow!! Wetin you dey here dey do?” He asked.

“why you dey jump?”

“abeg comot for road make I enter toilet go s’hit”

“per……………………. Person d……. de…… dey there” I couldn’t speak pidgin anymore, so I spoke English; “I sait there are someone in the toilets” funny English.

“and I am the nexted persons to entered” Next, I spoke latin.


“Junior abeg do quick oh!! Do quick make I no s’hit for body!!” I cried.

“s’hit for body? Me I don already s’hit for body sef” Snow said.

“since you don already s’hit for body, kukuma s’hit am finish for your body na” I negotiated.

“you are mad!! Why you no s’hit for your own body?” He joined me jumping.


I saw jumping was of no use anymore, so I started dancing.


“guy I go s’hit for ground oh!” I said.

“guy no try that thing!!” Snow said.

But as I turned to see if the noise I heard was from the toilet door, Snow had done what he advised me not to do.

He was pooing on the floor.

“guy you no go join me?” He offered.

“thank you, I no want!”






10 minutes and Junior was still in the toilet.

“Junior abeg na!!” I cried.

“I never s’hit finish na!!” He responded.

“ok, make I enter, make me and you s’hit together” I negotiated.



Truth be told, the toilet was so wide a pit that the whole tenants could all poo on it at the same time.



I remember Junior’s Nokia phone falling inside it.

That was when I knew Nokia default ringtone could ring Fuji.

As Snow called the phone, I couldn't tell if the ringing was Rap by Tupac or Fuji by KWAM 1. Or a combination of both.





“Junior abeg na!!!” I cried louder.

“Shhhhhhhhh! Lower your voice, people dey sleep!” Snow cautioned.

“you dey talk because you don see where to s’hit abi?”

“shebi I don tell you say make you join me?”





“gruuuuuugbuuuuu!!” My stomach sang discordant Bass.

Nobody told me to join Snow pooing on the floor.



Packing the poo was so big a problem as the poo was as liquid as water.

“Water no get enemy” as Fela sang, therefore, we poured water on the “water” and swept thoroughly.



At the right wing of the backyard, Snow’s poo changed the colour of the floor red, while at the left wing Flow’s poo changed the colour of the floor green, with both meeting at the gangway to form colour Violet.


If the political party APC had used the broom we used to sweep the floor that night as their party symbol, they would had lost the election woefully. The colour of the broom was inbetween pink and red.












After buying the suya from another A’boki, we headed home.

“excuse me lemme pass!!” I heard someone said from behind.

I gave way and the person passed.

It was a lady. Not too ugly though.




If “K” be an alphabet, then the lady had K-leg.

“Flow!! You no see that fine girl? Follow her na!” Snow tapped me.

“you say wetin?”

“I say make you follow that fine girl”

“but she no fine like that na?”

“ehn!! Just follow her, she go gree for you”




Bearing in mind that Snow and his rather talkative girlfriend Sandra had made a jest of me that I was Ladies shy because they barely saw me talking to ladies, I had to make that move.






A move I regretted, and I am still regretting.

SexySapphire:
flow1759, Buhari has won o, so come and update. Moreover, today is my birthday and I will love to laugh as hard as I do whenever I read your story.

There you go birthday girl.


happy birthday!~!

The night of September 30…………………………………………

“whheeeeeeeeeee!!!!” I heard.

“meww!! Meww!! Meww!!”

“wheeeeeeee!!!” It was deafening.

“Snow!! Snow!!” I tapped Snow.

“ehnnnnnn!!” He turned and I saw that his Chairman was up, just because Sandra’s a’ss faced it.

“guy you dey hear that noise?”

“p’ussy dey for ceiling!! Them dey fight” I informed him.

“ehen!! Leave them make them fight na” He replied.

“why I go leave them?”

“oboy leave them oh!! Na wetin we dey see here sometimes oh!”

“wetin you mean, una no fit kill them?”

“kill wetin? You wan kill landlord?” I heard Sandra giggled.

“you say wetin?”

“you no know say one of the cat na our landlord?” I was shocked and goose pimples grew.










I tried to find my lost sleep that the cats murdered, to no avail.

“wetin I go do this cat them na?”

“abi make I dey stone stone this ceiling weda them go run?”

“but I go fit kill them na?” I was sure.




But again I thought otherwise, because like they say; “a cat has nine lives”.

I will never forget when last I tried to kill one. Not I alone, but we.








I was Five, I think, and as we played in the field, there came this big cat to the refuse dump situated close to the field.

“see p’ussy!! See p'ussy!!” Cosmos saw it.

“make we go kill am!!” Timothy fondly called Timo said.

“I no go follow una oh!!” I dared not said, or I would be called “oleh”


I was so so scared, yet I followed them.

“pursue am!!! Catch am!!!” Demola yelled.



I pursued along, but from the rear.




We chased after it until it was just Cosmos and I chasing; the rest fell by the way side tired.

“make una catch am!! kill am!!” Papa Wale yelled. Reason being that cat was a delicacy where he came from.

“Ugo run come, e don hid for inside that grass!!” Cosmos beckoned.

It was like the poor animal was tired, and we were near catching it.









Before I could say “sai Buhari!!”, Cosmos dived on the grass like Iker Casillas would on a ball in his hay days.

“mweeeeeeeew!!!” The cat on his hand cried.

“Ugo bring stick come wipe am!! Bring stick……….” He yelled.


I looked round, and the only stick I could find was a fallen tree branch.

I picked it up and stroked.

Then stroked again, this time harder, little did I know what I stroked was my friends head.


“yeaaaaaaaah!!! my head!!!!!!!!” He fell to the ground.

I saw two cats mewing on the floor; Cosmos and the actual cat.

My friend cried, yet he still held the cat firmly with both hands.

For my image to be redeemed, I stroked so very hard on the cat on his hand, and it mewed.

Thank God it didn't spit on me. If it had spat, maybe i would had been blind, because i opened my eyes so wide.

“mweeeeeeew!!!!” He still held it like it was glued to his hands.

I stroked four times; three times on the cat, and once on my friend’s head.









And he died.




He and the cat died.


I was shocked to the bone.




They lazy and lilly livered duo that fell by the way ran to met the ugly sight.


“Ugo!! Wetin happen here?” Timo asked.

“him never die, him just dey sleep!!” Demola was good at saying gibberish he thought was funny.


Well, I agreed with Demola, he had better be sleeping.

Timo managed to drag Cosmos's body far from the cat while Demola went to fetch water.

How we concluded water could do the magic, I just can’t tell.




While events unfolded, nobody aside four of us knew what had happen because the bush was deserted.

“No be me wipe am oh” i said, when the stick was still in my hand. The most s’tupid statement I had made since “nothing break oh”.




A year earlier, while I washed plates one early morning, I dozed of and the plate i held slipped of my hand and landed on concrete.

And guess what? the plate was breakable. So, it broke.


My mum had the deafening sound and rushed out.

The next thing I said was; “nothing break oh”







“no be you wipe am, and you hold stick for hand, shey na the p’ussy wipe am?” Timo said.

“yes na!!” I was saying the “bestest” of r’ubbish.






“Demola ,where you dey carry bucket of water go?” I heard Mama Wale asked as I saw Demola coming afar.

“I wan go wet our farm” He responded.

“which farm?” She asked. When it was clear Demola’s mother had no farm.

“na one farm wey my mama just buy!!” He lied.

“your mama don get farm?” The “amebo” asked.

“yes na”

“you go carry me go see am?” Meanwhile, I and Timo had hid so she wouldn’t see us.

“the place far well well, I no go fit carry you go today, unless tomorrow” Demola promised.

“ok oh!!” She walked the other way.

“so teacher – teacher sef don get farm?”

“farmer - teacher, hahahahahahahahah!!!” She laughed.

Demola's Mum was a full time Teacher that vowed never to involve in farming like other Barrack women, onlike my mum who combined farming and teaching.


Immediately Demola landed with the water, he poured it dexterously on Cosmos's head, and we waited for a miracle to bring him back to life.









He coughed back to life, and I was so so so glad.


With so much fury, I ran to where the cat lied, to strike it more for causing me so much trouble.


As I stroked for the second time, something happened.










The cat rose and chased us all.











I was taking the lead, with Timo right behind me followed by Demola who will alway boast he always came first in their school’s inter house sports competition, at the rear was the just resurrected Cosmos.


Just one cat chasing Four big boys.



When we dressed on our Sunday’s best, we always walked together and asked others to call us “Four big boys”

So, many boys our age wished they had the good clothes we had so they would join our league.






The cat mewed while it chased us, and I saw that Timo almost overtook me.

I refused him overtaking me by increasing my speed even though my legs were failing me.

I was so conscious of the fact that I wanted to remain in front till the race ended that I looked back from time to time to see how close Timo was.


I was still looking back to see how close the cat was to Cosmos when………………………………









“gboodom!!” My leg landed on Mama Akara’s big pot of boiling oil.

I was able to realize what happened in time to jump over the pot on one leg with the other leg not touching the floor, little did I know my rather s’tupid friends ran on the same straight line I ran.







I watched Jackie Chan, Jet lee and Bruce lee fell into boiling oil one after the other.









Crying was heard in our various houses that night due to the injury sustained.

The most cry was heard in the house of Mr. & Mrs. Adeoye, as Demola their son sustained the most injury because he landed flat on the pot of oil with his belly.

The next house so much crying was heard that night was the house of the Yehudes. Cosmos landed on Demola’s back and his head rolled and landed on the fire that burnt his hair Papa Ajasco style.


A tattoo was created on Demola’s belly; a tattoo he later appreciated because it looked fine.

While the burning added extra “ogo” to Cosmos’s already long ogo.






It was like the number of cats in the roof had increased to say 22 and they were playing a football match up there.

“abi them this cat represent everybody for this compound?”

“even Snow sef!!”

“him fit be winch oh, you no see as him say make I leave them the cat?”

“you no see as him put him mouth dey sleep?” His mouth looked like that of Titus fish.


“but wait oh! That groundnut wey landlord give me in the afternoon, shey I chop am?” I asked myself.

“eeeeeehhnnnnn!!!”

“Chai!!! I chop am oh!!”

“nahim I use drink garri oh!!!!”

IHate9ja1:
abeg dey post 2 episode per day naw
Welldone bozz

I will do that if Buhari wins

Mayorblaze:
....

Flow i doff my hat for you...

Frontpage page please

If l.a.r.r.y.s.u.n, s.t.a.n.d.d, r.o.y.v.e.r.s drops just a page story, it will be on frontpage...

Yet here we have a story that strongly deserves frontpage and yet we are been ignored... Humm, thinking after this story am leaving nairaland unless something is done about this inhumane treatment we are receiving

That is why S'hit can never be Roses

princesssusan:
Wow! I finally made it
Guys hope i‘m welkum in ur midst
Flowey u doing great pls keep it up, one love

You are highly welcome on board.

Alexgeneration:
FLow this update sweet die.Abeg more mb to ur phone. Keep up the good work. Pls the mods should move this piece to the front page where it belongs.

Thanks alot.

In the morning of September 14………………………………….


“My name is Flow!! Or just call me Mr Flow” I shook her hands.

“I am Sandra!!” I refused letting go of her soft hand.

“Flow!! Leave her hand na!!” Snow yelled.

“Snow nwanne!! I say make I feel her hand na, na bad thing?”

“no be bad thing, only be say your hand fit snatch person babe from the person”

“hahahahahaha!!! how you take know?”




Of a truth, what my mind told me at that juncture was how I could snatch “that girl” from Snow.


“That girl” she was, in fact, “that that that that that that girl”, her a’ss length and width represented the thats.


“Flow!! Where your eye dey so?” Snow caught me staring at her a’ss.

“nothing oh!!” I replied.

“Flow!! Flow!!! Flow!!! Flow!!! How many times did I call you?” He asked.

“Forty!!” Four turned Forty.

Size Forty was the size of the a’ss. Or it could be more, I was sure.


“Forty times abi?”

“No……………. Forty one times!!” My brain turned upside down as Sandra sat close to where I sat on the bed.


“you sure say this bed no go tear?” I asked myself as I saw that her weight sank me.



Not that her entire body had much weight, but just her lower region.


Thirty minutes of me thinking; “How Snow dey take handle this thing for bed!!”

“if this one mess, how e dey be?”

“you sure say na real n’yash be this?” Because I was told Port Harcourt girls are good at fixing fake everything; Fake a’ss, fake height, fake skin colour, fake fingers, and even fake b’reast and the milk it contains.

“the girl no too fine like that sha, but her nyash fine!!”

“I just pray say Snow wan just chop this one clean mouth, make him just chop remain for me!!”

I was lost in my thought, then sleep came.



In my dream, I saw her caressing my d’ick in the present of Snow.

“Snow!! You see wetin this your babe dey do me so?”

“hahahahaha!! I see am” He answered.

She took of my trouser and continued caressing, but this time skin to skin; her hand caressed my bush, eggs and pipe.


The sensation was so sweet that I forgot my name. “baby!! Ehnn!! Remind me of that your name” She said.

“my name?”

“yeah baby!!”

“my name ehn, my name ehn, my name ehn!! My name………………” I woke up.

“my name……………………………” Sandra stared at me like “what is he saying?”.

So I turned it to a song by a popular Nigerian musician : “My name is Ikechukwu…………….. I am Ikeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Chukwu……………………… every where I go they call me Ikeeeeeee Chukwu…………………”

“Flow!! Hope say every thing is ok?” Snow asked.

“everything dey ok, I just dey sing na!!”

“you just dey sing?!”

“yes na!!”

“ok, make e just be like that oh!!” Snow left the room.



I returned to sleep, yet my eyes couldn’t wink back sleep.




The next thing I saw, Sandra started taking of her dress.

“wetin you dey do so?”

“una wan plan me abi?!” I almost said.

Yet I tried best to fake sleep.

“abi she think say I don sleep nahim make she dey remove her clothe?”

It was like I was still in dreamland where she was caressing my d’ick.

“oboy eeeeeh!! See nyash!!” Pap gushed out of by pipe suddenly without me asking it to.


Soon she was n’aked from head to toe as she searched for her towel.

My boxers was soaked 40% as more Pap gushed out.



I will never forget my not boxers but trouser soaking about 45% due to the fact that it had been long I had s’ex.



There was this heavy traffic from Mile 2 to Orile, and since there was no bike running in the expressway, I walked into a street around Orile and stood waiting for a bike that would take “short cut” to my office albeit for a cut throat fare.


“oga you dey go?” A bike man cleared in front of me.

“I dey go Iganmu, how much?” I asked.

“only you!!” He asked.

“Yes na!! shey na two people you see here?”

“ok, your money na 700 naira” He sang.

“seven hundred wetin?” I chorused.

“seven hundred naira, you no know say fuel no dey?”

“na lie you dey lie, fuel dey” I attacked.

“ok, pay 600 naira” He said.

“guy, make I pay 500 naira”

He thought of it from Sokoto to Bauchi and said; “enter, you get change?”

“yes, I get change” I entered.






The ride was as fast as I wanted it, not until someone flagged it.

“wetin be that?” I asked.

“madam where you dey go?” The fart smelling bike man stopped.

“I day go Iganmu!”

“how much you go pay?” He asked.

“make I give you 300 naira!!” She offered.

“madam pay 400 naira, make you enter make we dey go”

“enter where!!” I yelled as she turned and I saw what she carried behind.

“oga! Wait make she enter jor!!” The bike man frowned.

“am I not paying you? you can not inconvenient me because you want to get extra money!!” Grammar.

“oga this one wey you dey speak na oyibo rekpete!!, abeg shift make she enter”

“abi you go pay me 900 naira, make I carry only you go?” How did he know that was the exact amount in my wallet?

At that moment, the sky grumbled, and I took a glance at my wrist watch, it was 10 minutes to 8am.


Bearing in mind that Mr. Akeju had earlier said he was coming to Maestro by sharp 8, I had no choice but……………………………….. “oya make she enter, I go dey her back” I came down for her to board.



We were half way when I had my trouser tore.

It tore because my legs were over stretched to accommodate her wide a’ss, and the trouser was slim fitted.

“mumu!! Shebi you don see wetin your big nyash don cause for my trouser?”






I tried my best to take my mind far from e’rotica, yet it came back home.

All of a sudden, it started raining. It started raining in between my legs.


She felt uncomfortable, turned, and I looked away.

What I was thinking of was for her not to know my Pap had gushed out, and also how I would alight without her seeing the wetness.

My d’ick, clad on my boxers came out of the big hole and was heading to her a’ss.



I controlled my ill mannered d’ick by bending to the right like I had stroke, and my prayer was for me not to pour out Pap for the third time; this time directly on her.





Thank my stars it rained.


It rained and washed away my sins.








Soon she stood very close to where I lied, and bent down exposing her fleshy “honey well” from behind.

That was when Pap soaked my boxers 50%.

“if I put my p’rick from back, wetin Snow go talk, Shebi him go say I don rape him babe?”

“….and me and him go fight, shebi una dey see the kin wahala wey women dey cause for this world?”






“Snowwww!!” She called Snow like it was a Chinese name.

“I want to take my bath, where is the towel?”

September 12 2014.

“Angela, na my brother be this, him name na Flow!!” Snow introduced me to a woman that sold provision in the street.

“ehen! Na fine boy oh!!"

"Wetin you say be him name again?” She asked.

“him name na Flow! Mr Flow!!”

“which kin name be that?”

“na Spainish name!!” I answered.

“which one be spanish again? You dey work for mechanic place wey them dey use spanner?”

“spanner!! Angela him no talk spanner, him say Spanish!”



Just then, a man walked pass where we stood.

“good afternoon oga landlord!!” Snow greeted.

“oga landlord na my brother be this oh!!” said Snow.

“eheeeeen!!”

“good afternoon sir!!” I greeted.

“good afternoon!! What is your name?” he asked.

“ehn!! My name is Flow”

“Flow!! and your brother name na Snow, where una dey Flow and Snow go?” He teased.

“naso God want am oh!!” Snow said. Like God gave us such nicknames.





“but Snow oh!! This your brother head big oh!” the landlord said.

“naso oh, when we small, na Head master them dey call am” Snow proclaimed.

“You nkor!! No be Ceiling fan Head them dey call you that time?” I attacked.




I agree, I was the master of heads, Snow was called a name worse than mine; Ceiling fan head. The name was as a result of the shape of his head.

It was shaped like a ceiling fan, but with four blades.


At the right, it had a blade pointing West, at the left, it had a blade pointing East, at the front, it had a very sharp blade pointing North, while at the Back, it had two blades; one pointing to the South east from the top, while the other pointing to the South central from bellow also known as “Ogo”.





I remember Ogochukwu the “Ogo” Lord.

His Ogo was so Long, that I at time saw it as a Wind vane.



Ogochukwu almost killed Seun when he attacked him with a weapon known as “Ogo”.

Sharper than a sword, Ogochukwu stabbed Seun with his Ogo and I saw Seun’s heartbeat seized.

“you no go fit do me anything!!” Seun had boasted.

“if you try me ehn?” Ogochukwu Threatened.

“I say you no get power, you no go fit do me anything!”




JSS3 boys were known for fighting under one particular Mango tree after school. Notable amongst them were High tension(Me), Emeka, Taju and Femi.



I will never forget the legendary fight between Emaka on Red short, and Taju and Femi on blue short. The unbiased referee for the day was High tension.

Unbiased in the sense that Emeka had giving me a beating of my life in the past, likewise the duo of Taju and Femi.


If Peter and Paul Okoye were P-square and they can never break up, so will Taju and Femi never break up.




The greatest rule of JSS3 wrestling federation(JSS3WF) was that the loser is determined by who ate sand.







The day Emaka and I fought, I ate enough sand that I was almost admitted for Kwashiorkor, while the day I fought Taju and Femi, I ate enough sand that changed the colour of my eyes green.

Green!! My light green school uniform changed brownish black because I was so much in a haste to beat the hell out of Emaka that I forgot to take it of.






Emeka smiled, and i could read that in his mind he was like: "this boys no go fit beat me".

And of a truth, he was so strong a wrestler that he could beat three boys his age at the same time.



“anybody wey give up, make him raise up him hand!!”

“no blow for eye!!”

“no holding of p’rick!!!” I reminded them of the rules.



“no holding of p’rick” that rule Taju and Femi failed to obey the day they beat me blue black.


If my p’enis never tore to pieces that day, nothing can tear it to pieces again, even a Bulldozer.


My hands were up in surrender, yet Kalu the referee refused the battle to end.

When I knew I had more enemies than friends was when the fight finally ended; I mean when they were tired of pounding me.

I looked for my school uniform but couldn’t find it.

“una help me see my uniform?” I asked my opponents who were the only ones present after the fight; the spectators all ran thinking I was dead when Taju and Femi sat on my head at the same time.

Well, I died, and came back to life. And of course, I appreciated life the more even though my mum always gave me 20 naira as lunch money.



The first day that lunch money was stolen was the day, I almost died of hunger.

20 naira could do a lot of difference in the life of a JSS3 student; atleast it could buy ice cream and biscuit.






Yet Emaka stole Taju’s 20 naira.

“you get mind thief my money abi?” Taju lamented.

“ehen!! Who you be!!”






Emaka was the one that stole everything that missed in class, even a pen. Notable amongst what he had stolen include: pencil, notebook, socks, sandal, school uniform, school bag, 20 naira, 20 naira, 20 naira, 20 naira,…………………………………………. and the 20 nairas were endless.









I was told he stole someone’s poo way back in JSS1.



As part of the criteria to be cleared in JSS1, one needed to undergo medical screening, and stool screening was part of it.

So, JSS1 students were given a tiny container to put their poo in and bring to school.




I was told Emaka forgot his stool sample at home and stole Seyi’s.

“where my s’hit?” Seyi cried out after searching painstakingly.


Since that day, Sheyi was nicknamed “where my s’hit!!”.







Ogochukwu and Seun’s fight ended us all fighting under the Mango tree after school hours.



The commandant ordered the Mango tree be cut down after flogging us 12 strokes each, and expelling Ogochukwu.

Seun slept in the school’s sick bay for three days, and came out with hunched back. Not too hunched, slightly hunched.


I thought he would come back to us on either clutches or Wheel chair, or both, because the head booting on his back bone sent him dancing snake dance lying on the floor. At some point, I thought he was possessed.










“na my landlord be that, the man na correct man!!” Snow told me as his landlord walked afar.

“but only be say, the man dey fly for night!!” He added.

“fly as how?” I asked.

“fly for night na! the man na winch!!”













“you say wetin?”

Thank you all. I have always said Nairaland is full of cliques, which I can never be part of.



BTW sai Buhari!!!

“Snow nwanne!! Wetin dey?”

“mehn! welcome to petakwa!! Mr Flow!!” He loved calling me Mr. Flow even though I was not married yet.

“how them your babes na?” I needed to ask.

“I no get babes oh!! You wan dash me one?”

“me? Dash you one? Me wey I don turn to pastor, I no wan to dey talk to any girl again”

He laughed hard and said: “what of if women follow you talk! Wetin you go do?”

“I go bone”

“how them your people for Lagos na?” he asked.

“them dey oh!!”



“Make we go drink na” He suggested.

“ehn? Drink wetin?”

“drink beer na!”

“me wey no wan to dey drink beer again?”

“ahaaaaaaan!! Why na? you get heart problem?” That was how funny Snow could be; intentionally asking funny questions.

“so na person wey get heart problem nahim no dey drink beer?”

“you no know? You no know say na beer make Abacha die of heart attack?”

“hahahahahahah!! Snow you don come oh!! Who tell you that one na?”







“una no get light?”

“mehn our transformer blow, e kill five people sef!!”

“ehen! You mean am?”



We were soon out of the hot room and headed to chill out somewhere.



“so where you dey carry me go na? where we go chill out na?”

“we no dey go far, na for one place wey them dey call car wash!”

“car wetin?”

“car wash!!”

“you get car?” I needed to ask.

In Lagos, rumor had it that he was on bucks. I was told his elder sister married an NNPC worker, and since their Dad passed on, Snow was handed the bride price of close to half a million; but that was like a year earlier.


Rumor also had it that Snow was married.


“guy!! I been hear say you don marry, where the wife na?”

“which wife?”

“you dey ask me?”

“them tell me say e get one girl wey you carry come village one time”

“hahahahahahaha! Ahaaaaaaan!! So na because them see girl come village with me nahim make them think say I don marry her?”

“naso na!!”

“and you sef believe them?” He asked.

“why I no go believe them! Your mate never marry?”

“my mate don marry, but I no fit marry when my senior brother never marry”

“who be your senior brother?” I needed to know, because the last time I checked, he had no elder brother.

“you na!!” He replied.

“me?”

“oboy if you dey wait for me, you go old!”

“you go old get white bia-bia because I never flex all the flexing wey dey this world finish, I go com go marry”

“you no know say marriage na prison?”

“guy, marriage is a good thing!!”

“Snow!! Which day you com become marriage councellor?”

“I no be marriage councellor, I just want you to get married, you are not growing younger you know!!”

“abeg!!! Forget that thing!!”

“so when do you plan getting married?” He asked abruptly.

“mehn!! No be now oh!! ehn!............................ make I see oooooooooh!!”

“34……………….. when I will be 34!!!” I announced.









“guy wetin you go drink na?” Snow asked as we settled.

“wetin make them give you?”

“water!!” I answered.

“just water!!”

“just water?” He was shocked.

“yes oh!! I am on beer holiday” I said.

“which one be beer holiday again na? you dey do holiday lesson?”

As he metioned “holiday lesson”, I quickly remembered when we were kids.



Every Holiday, it was either I and my younger brother went to Ajegunle where Snow and Family stayed, or he and his younger brother Ben came.



I, Snow and my younger brother were attending this Holiday coaching in the barracks.




One thing that made me sometimes wished to miss some classes especially Mathematics classes was because the teacher that taught Mathematics was of the habit of reading to the class what those that failed wrote. And one girl Belinda was always of the habit of laughing at the little I always failed.



“why are you laughing?” I always cautioned her.

“you are Olodo!!” Was her regular response.



Before I broke the barrier of “Olodoism”, I studied very hard.


If failing two out of ten class works meant one was an Olodo, then my friend Cosmos was Legendary in Olodoology.



He was the happiest boy on earth when he scored two out of ten.

“guy I pass oh!!” He told me.

“ehnnnnnnnn!!” I was shocked because failure was his trademark.

“na lie!!” I doubted.

He showed me his work and I saw that he scored two out of ten.

“who you copy from?” I asked.

He was so dull that even if the answers were shown to him, he would still bag failure. Thank God he wasn’t a pupil of my school, if he was a pupil, Dora the I’nbecile would have scored better than him, I was sure of that.

“you get two over ten, you com dey happy pass person wey get ten over ten”

“who get ten over ten?” He cared to know.

“na Belinda na”


Belinda called me “Olodo” simply because she always scored ten over ten while I scored within the range of 7-9. Her prayer for me was that I should score bellow average, while my prayer for her was for her to score nine over ten just once.



Marking was done this way: We submit our exercise books, and the teacher distributed exercise books at random to anybody he so wished; making sure nobody marked his/her own exercise book.

I always prayed to mark Belinda's work so i will manipulate it and fail her in just one question. The opportunity never came. Maybe it was because her desk was close to mine, and the teacher never wanted anyone marking the work of someone close. Or maybe not.


Most times, I always marked the work of a dullard by the name Bisi.






If Bisi was to marry Cosmos, they would produce kids like Isaac Newton, Herbert Einstein and of course Olusegun Obasanjo. Cosmos was short while Bisi was shorter, Cosmos was dark in complexion while Bisi was darker, Cosmos had big Nose, while Bisi’s was “Noser”. Maybe because her friend’s name was Nosa the “messer”.






Nosa could mess down both Aso rock and White house altogether, she had farting default that she farted without knowing she did.

I will never forget her fart bringing out tears from the eyes of many, including me.



She farted one very hot afternoon, and before I could say “Buhari” I received a knock on my head.




It was after crying a river that I was told by Cosmos that Nosa farted and pointed at my, and that was what resulted the knock on my head.


Since that day, I took my seat out of any region near Nosa not to talk of in front of her.






And last but not the least in the comparison, Cosmos was “intelligent”, while Bisi was “intelligenter”.


I most times marked her work closing my eyes because I knew her fate.





The same Mathematics teacher that taught our class also taught in the class of my younger brother and Snow.

Some other teachers like the English teacher adopted the style of the Mathematics teacher.




Our class closed earlier than theirs one afternoon, so I stood by the window waiting for them.




The next thing I heard was: “now can Alexander Eke tell us why he spelt bread as 10011?”


Snow stood up and said; “ehn!!!! ehn!!”

How possible was it for someone to spell words with numbers. How possible?

Maybe he converted “bread” to binary. Or maybe not.




“common speak!!” the teacher yelled at him.

“I…………………. I………………………. I………………………I ………………”

“I…………………………….. what?” The teacher yelled.



“I................. I thinking say we dey doing Mathematics”



That was how bad he was in English language.



Yet he had changed since leaving Ajegunle, Lagos, Nigeria.









“young lady!! He said you should offer him bottle water!!” Snow repeated.

“who said so?” I queried.

“you na!! no be wetin you talk?”

“oboy make him give me Stout make I use wash belle jor!!”


“Mr. Flow!! You no dey change!!”

Melancholy:
This is the kind of script those fake comedians in nollywood need to buy to resuscitate their already dead careers. Flow, ur write-up is therapeautic and its about time i recommend u to NAFDAC for early evaluation for the usage&benefit of larger consumer. Laughter is good to ur system. Lol

Abi oh Melancholy?

“I hear say na Amos give them information wey them take arrest James”

“ehen!! You mean am?”

“yes na? The b’astard go betray us!!”

“but why Amos go do that kin thing na?”


Amos had always been a betrayer. If he were to be alive during the time of Julius Caeser, he would had taken the place of Brutus the back stabber.

I will never forget the day he betrayed Segun, and Segun almost lost his job. I almost lost mine too.

“where is Segun? For two days, I have not seen him, he has not reported here for two days, and his number is not going through” Mr. Akeju asked with so much fury.

“where is he?”

“Sir, me too, I have not seen him!” I lied.

“you lie!! Bloody lier!!”


Just then, Amos walked in.

“ehen!! Amos have you seen Segun? Where did he go to?” Mr. Akeju asked him.

“ehn! ehn! ehn!”

I eyed Amos not to speak the truth, but the Boss caught the sign.

“why are you eyeing him?”

“no sir, I am not eyeing him oh!!”

“then what is wrong with your eye?”

“I have eye problem!”

“oloshi!!”




I will never forget that curse. That curse almost ruined my “chyking” career. And almost took my life too.


I went to visit my cousin at Oshodi, and as I walked pass one street that led to a football viewing centre, I saw one beautiful girl; the kind of Ebony beauty I always love.


“hello!! Young Lady!! Hello!!” She stopped.

“may I have a word with you?”

“yes, speak, I am listening..”


“My name is Flow, I flow like a butterfly, and I rarely sting like a bee!!” I recited my favorite line.

“what is your name?” I asked.

I expected to hear a response telling me her name, but what I heard sounded Scottish.

“I like you…………………. I like you………………………. I like you…………………. I like you!!!” Was what I interpreted as what she spoke.

Her tongue made what she spoke sounded like either Igala or Idoma.

“I like you!!! ………………………………”kept ringing in my head.

“what is you pretty name?”


“oloshi!!” She answered.

“oloshi!! Or oluchi?” I thought i had found Love in an Igbo girl.

“oloshi!!”

“your name is Oloshi? What a lovely name?!”

I first thought she said "Oloshi!!" which is a curse in Yoruba language, but I thought otherwise because of the intonation she used in pronouncing. In some languages, some words may mean something else in other languages; like "Ejo" in Yoruba means Snake, while it means Snail in Igbo.

“so tell me? Where do you stay?” I asked.

She was kind enough to point at a building opposite where we stood.

“can I pay you a visit this evening?” I asked.

She nodded and left.

How s'tupid of me not to ask her for her number. But i had made up my mind to pay her a visit anyways.








Later that evening, I put on my Sunday best and headed for her house without letting my cousin know what transpired earlier. If i had told him, he would advise me not to enbark in such mission; or better still, he would had told me that "oloshi" was Yoruba and not Idoma.


“good evening sir, I am looking for Oloshi, she stays here!!” I greeted an elderly man I saw in the compound.

“you say what!!”

“I am looking for Oloshi, she is my course mate in school!”

“Oloshi abi? Wait I am coming!”






What happened next Flow? I hear you ask.



I dey come, when we reach there we go know.










“Amos!!” Oga yelled.

“sir!!”

“when last did you see Segun?” Mr. Akeju asked Amos.

“I saw him yesterday when I went to the barracks to see someone”




Before I could put back my winking eyes in place…………………..









“gboooooooooooo!!!” a heavy punch landed on my chest.





And my breathing stopped.




“you bloody lier!!!”




Then landed another heavier punch on my chest.



At quick succession, I sent two punches with so great a speed to my Boss’s chest and right eye. I saw his body parts as the punching bag we had in our Dojan.

And he fell to the floor.






“You have killed him oh!!!” Kel held my trouser by the belt.

No, not by the belt, by the p’enis.

“no be my belt you dey hold oh, na my p’rick!!” I almost cried.

“you have killed Oga oh!!” She drew it to it’s elastic limit.

“he is not dead!!” I saw that my boss on the floor looked more like a Rabbit.






Thank God for Funmi who poured water on her Dad and he came back to life.

If she had not, I would had been typing this from Kirikiri Maximum prison because Mr. Akeju had Police commissioners as friends.

If she had not, I wouldn’t have live till 2015; I would have been sentenced dead by hanging because Mr. Akeju’s elder brother was one of the best lawyers in Lagos.

If she had not, there wouldn’t have been space to bury my body because Lagos was short of cemetery. And my village is a No-No.





If she had not……………………




If not for Mrs Akeju that pleaded with her husband, I and Segun would had been arrested; I, for giving my Boss two heavy punches that sent him on a short Holiday vacation to the land of the dead, and Segun for not delivering parcels that were handed to him for more than two days.







Soon, we were in Delta state, I turned and saw that the baby by my side was beckoning for me to carry him.

I did carry him, and regretted later.

“baby!! Baby!! Baby!!” I played with him, as I turned and saw that Segun was fast asleep with saliva streaming out of his wide mouth.


I was soon feeling sleepy, and it was high time I returned the baby to his mum and sleep, but as I turned and saw that his mum was also fast asleep, I knew I was in for it.

The baby was on my laps for about an hour before sleep came.







In my dream, I was about having sex with my spirit wife Serena Williams.

“come and put it in na! don’t keep me waiting!” She needed it badly.

“I am coming! Let it erect well!!” My bros was half way erect.

“is it erect yet!!” She needed it "do or die".

“almost!”


After two minutes of waiting.

“ok it is erect now!!”



As I ran to insert it into her honey well, I suddenly released on the way.

Released what? you would ask.

Release Ice Cream. Thick one!!.

Ice cream changed to Pap on the floor as i stared at it.



I had messed up, yet the feeling as the ice cream gushed out was so sweet.

Little did I know something else was the sweetener.






“Kai!! This pekin don piss for my trouser!!”

I dedicate this last update to Glowrie my love.

kandrus:
flow always flowing...am no more a ghost reader.i duff my hat for you

Thank you

Emmeritus:
GOD BLESS U

And you too

Dear friends, i made few mistakes in some words spellings because of some constriants.

I have corrected them now, pls read again.