₦airaland Forum

lola024:
Read carefully and follow the instruction dearly.... then thank me later.

So, you're in love with one of your friends, but she has a boyfriend and probably wouldn't have sex with you anyway.

What you will need: 1 x knife, 1 x ring, access to a sunbed, the ability to grow a beard.

Step One: Place the ring on your wedding finger and avoid contact with your friend for a month.

Step Two: Stop shaving and use the sunbed to gain a tan.

Step Three: After a month when your beard is full and your tan is noticeable, remove the ring from your finger.

Step Four: Remove all your clothes and break into your friend's house.

Step Five: Use the knife to cut your body in various places. Avoid the face. If possible, focus on your back. The more blood the better.

Step Six: Enter your friend's bedroom and lie face down on the floor. Wait for her return.

Step Seven: When she enters the room pretend to be unconscious. Allow her to turn you over and try to wake you for a few seconds before you open your eyes. The injuries to your body will serve as a distraction to your unclothedness. She will be more concerned about your wellbeing instead of fearing the naked man in her room.

Step Eight: When she asks you what's happened you should ignore her questions. Instead you must act confused and ask the date. If it's September 15th she will say 'September 15th' to which you must reply 'No, what year is it?'

Step Nine: Upon hearing the year say the words 'It worked.' Pretend to lose consciousness again for a few seconds, implying that whatever it is that has worked took a great effort.

Step Ten: If your friend is a curious person she will probably ask 'What worked?', even if she doesn't ask this question it is important that you now say the words '(Insert Friend's Name), I'm from the future' in your most deadpan voice.

Step Eleven: Pause for ten seconds to allow the incrediblness of the situation to sink in. There will be no reason for her to doubt your claim, because your beard will make you appear many years older and your cuts would add weight to the idea that you've come from a post-apocalyptic future where a war is currently taking place.

Step Twelve: Raise your left hand to your face. All women are very observant, so your friend will immediately notice the tanline on your wedding finger. If she is educated to a decent standard she will realise that you are married and your ring has simply disappeared, because clothing and other items cannot travel through time. Your nudity will support this.

Step Thirteen: Now comes the hard part - The monologue. In your own words you must give a speech in which you mention all of these key points:

a) You are married to each other in the future

b) Her current boyfriend is dead

c) The world is coming to an end. It's up to you to pick a reason, but I would recommend a war against machines. This whole situation will be backed up by the Terminator franchise

d) In the future your relationship is not going well

e) You've come back in time because you can't help but feel that she would have been happier with her current boyfriend if he hadn't been killed

f) Her current boyfriend is going to be hit by a bus on a day six months from her present. She should stop him going to work that day

g) If she does exactly what you say this current version of yourself will be erased and you will never get married. If she questions this flaw in your time travel logic, because you cannot change the past, simply reference Back to the Future

Step Fourteen: Unless your friend is made of stone she will now be overcome by emotion, especially at your selflessness. Get to your feet and go to kiss her goodbye. It is important that you do this with the confidence of a man who has done this to her many times.

Step Fifteen: There is now no possible way that you aren't about to have sex with her. You're naked, kissing her, in her bedroom, agreeing to erase a version of yourself from history to make her happy. And as far as she knows you've had sex many times in a future that will no longer happen, so she thinks to herself that maybe she should have one memory of it.

Step Sixteen: After having the sex, ask to borrow some clothes then leave.

Step Seventeen: Shave off your beard and coat your wedding finger in fake tan. Carry on as if nothing has happened. There will be three possible outcomes:

1) During the sex some feelings that she didn't know existed are awakened and she will leave her boyfriend for you.

2) Life will carry on as normal.

3) You will be filled with guilt because of this moral grey area where you aren't entirely sure if what you've done counts as some kind of low level rape. You will take your own life by hanging, overdose or wrist cutting.

All ds acting of American sci-fi just 2 gbensh 1 girl When dem ashys & oloshos neva finish 4 ds world...

kalindaminda:
Anyone with sense is anti-Trump. But I forgot Nigerians love liars

Gbam!!! A crate of gulder 4 u.

NNVanguard:
Trump, we admire your bluntness and firmness.

Dt was wt some pple said abt Hitler when he 1st rose 2 power. Personally I wld love 2 join d IDGAF crew bt dt wld b foolish with wt history has shown, wt happens in d US affects d whole world. D global financial crisis of 2008 in which over 8 trillion naira was lost in d NSE had d USA as ground 0. Do u know hw fragile d relative peace in d world presently is? A nut job lyk Trump can precipitate world war 3 or any oda world crisis wt his unguarded statements. Do u know d fraction of D world population dt died in d last world war? ⅓!!!. 1 in evry 3 persons in d world. Nw note dt d atomic bomb was only dropped twice & dt was long afta Germany had surrendered so majority of d casualties weren't 4rm nuclear warfare. Nw think of all d advances dt hv bn made on warfare technology since then. If world war 3 happens (heavens forbid), do u know hw many pple wld die, hw many coun3s wld bcom nuclear wastelands? Trump is inexperienced, egocentric, petty & has a false notion of hw d world works, which is terrible combo 4 d world @ large. He thinks he can outplay Vladimir putin in d game of wits by pandering 2 him 2 try & lure him 2 a sense of false security. He is wrong. Putin is ex-KGB so he's isn't a fool. Putin is som1 u keep away 4rm arm's length because he can strike wt out warning. When any country has a ruler who thinks he's wiser dan he actually is, impending doom lies in wait 4 dt country.

abham:
dis paves d way for China to be d next wrld power

& u think dey wld b beta dan d US? SMH. Then u dnt know d Chinese well enuf. Dey r a ruthless pple even 2 demselves hw much more 2 odas? U think dt dey r being nice by loaning money & investing heavily in continents lyk Africa? No. Dey r just bidding their tym & trying 2 gain an uncontested, indispensable grip on d world's Commerce, whilst covertly strengthening their military & nuclear capabilities. Dt their smile & generosity is just a mask. When dey reach their desired point in d affairs of ds world & usurp d US, dey wld take it off & show their true, ruthless colour.

lofty900:
Right from the days of the campaign we all know that CNN is anti trump

Dey r anti-stupid & pro-fact. Hw else do u treat som1 so daft dt he thinks global warming is a Chinese hoax & so pathological a liar dt he accused Ted Cruz' s father of killing J. F Kennedy & Barack Obama of nt being born in d US, except wt disdain & animosity? SMH. D USA electoral college (nt d pple) hv chosen a clown as president; let Dem nt lament when their coun3 becomes a cirque de freak.

AntiWailer:
I can recommend a very few people on Nairaland.

YMODULUS is one of them.

That guy is a role model and better than most Christians despite being an Atheist.

I am hoping to convert him back some day sha (he go pain am as the guy don taya for spiritual bobo)

I recall transferring 50k for him to share with the money he gave out back then.

He did and gave account 100%.

He is a man of integrity and very trustworthy.

YModulus let me host u to a lunch or dinner at Oriental when you are in Lagos.

You earned my respect a lot.

Abeg help me recommend dem o. I wnt 2 make money by hard work & legit means.

AntiWailer:
The question should be.

Who will be dumb to pay ?

If you are wise. When my friend YMODULUS described how he made millions last year.

You will not see MMM as one of his investment options.

Use your brains.

Nothing wise about Me paying into somebody's account and hoping another person pays into my account.

I will rather use it to Help people I might never set my eyes on which I gladly did last year.

There is no fund any where .

The earlier they understand the better.

You paid your money for somebody to spend.

Until another people fall MAGA , ur money is gone.

I swear... Dt ymodulus na my role model 4rm nw on. I respect d guy gan. Im Sabi work hard.

Refino:
I can't wait to be blessed this year by God through MMM and take off from this country n never look back to continue my beloved MMM somewhere else. This country is infested with myriads of enemies of progress.

With all the poverty,negligence n gross insecurity around you,see as fellow Nigerians are bastardising a prestigious scheme that operates worldwide.
In short, we need deliverance. I wish those ranting online can show their identities for us to see so we can hiss pass them when we see them around, but I fear for their lives too if they dare cos some MMM participants are not smiling

Why is mmm not allowed in countries like USA and China? Because it is fraudulent. Why does mavrodi not want people in Russia and Uzbekistan to participate in his 'prestigious' scheme? Because he tried that there before and he was imprisoned. It is only in third world countries with a lot of ignorant, gullible people and weak leadership that are susceptible to his wiles. If mmm attempted setting up shop in the US or China, its masterminds would instantly find themselves cooling their heels in an incarceration facility or facing death sentences (in China).

AfonjasMustDie:


Hot FRSC woman ??

Where is the hot woman ??

The only woman i see in that car looks like a rat on mensturation

And the guy who intentionally put the lives of other motorists to meet a hot 70 year old woman looks like a Boko haram victim

(in mortal kombat voice) FATALITY, BRUTALITY, KO, FLAWLESS VICTORY
Dude dt was savage raised 2 power 3.

FreeSpirited:
You write like a kid you are......Stop dumping shits u think up from your mind here. Your reasoning is like a primary school kid

At least I reason, which is not something I can say about you so far.

omohayek:
Yes, the scam itself is a pretty elementary one, so that's not what I'm referring to when I call him a "genius". The "genius" bit comes from the fact that both in Russia and now in Nigeria, he has managed to psychologically manipulate his victims into becoming his biggest defenders!

Just look at how many of the suckers call themselves "Mavrodians", and talk about MMM being a "help platform", as if all it took to turn a criminal enterprise into a charity was to give it a good name; one might as well rename armed robbery and 419 as means of "self help", that's how silly it all is, but the mugus have fallen for it completely. Then there's the attempt to shift blame for the inevitable collapse from the MMM scam operators themselves onto the Nigerian government, as if politicians in Abuja could magically make 1 + 1 = 4 if they really wanted to; again, the MMM dupes have fallen completely for it.

Anyone can set up a pyramid scam, but only a few people are clever enough to get people to keep falling for the same old trick in spite of a public record of failure going back 2 decades!

My brother! I almost feel like worshipping you now. You are blessed wherever you are. Please grant me permission to copy your comment.

FreeSpirited:
Ode, So u think I will read this poo u wrote...well , I stopped at the first sentence....I know you have nothing to contribute to humanity....just get lost with your wailing..ode

I now understand that saying I heard before "if you want to hide anything valuable from a black man, put it in a book". I used to think it was racist and stereotypical but I now see that there was an atom of truth in it.

FreeSpirited:
shut up....your content has no sense. So are you

Hurling insults at my person does not gift you an upper hand in this conversation. Rather, it depicts you as uncouth and severely lacking in civility. As to my initial content you accused as not having sense, kindly provide help (no pun intended) and give it some sense by answering the simple questions I raised before and I shall repeat them to avoid ambiguity "who pays for the 5 billion naira chuddy ugorji (mmm nigeria's number 1 guider) allegedly made from MMM?", "who pays for the 30% interest every participant is promised at the duration of 1 month? "," who pays for the numerous bonuses guiders earn from the scheme (or calling it by its true name, scam)? ". The laws of economics, accounts, arithmetic and commonsense points to that immutable fact. Someone or a group of people must foot the bill. MMM is not telling us who. Is it mavrodi (a convicted serial fraudster by the way)? Is he so benevolent that he is doling out such amounts of money? I think not. I said it before and I would say it again. MMM operates on the principle of robbing Peter to pay Paul by convincing that Peter they would rob another Peter to pay him (with interest) and he would soon become Paul. It operates on the fallacious notion that there would always be Peters to rob and this is not so. At the end of this mmm debacle, average Nigerians like you and me would be stuck with the hefty bill mmm has racked up. The problem with most mmm participants is that they do not see this or even if they do, look away because they feel it does not concern them as long as they get paid. This is what baffles me the most;the cold-blooded greed, insensitivity and avarice it evokes in millions of my countrymen.

JeffreyJamez:
If the MMMites believe so much in this system,let the Guilders gather money and Ph to people na... .. After all they've made millions

Hear hear!!!

Sketch007:
For christ's sake ! Do well to write better..

Obviously, I wrote in a form of shorthand that can be easily understood by the average social media user as this is an informal forum. It is not as if I am applying for a job or writing an article in a national daily so therefore, I believe I am allowed to answer informally. So do not attempt to wriggle away from the topic at hand by attempting to cast aspersions or derision to my conduit of expression.

idris4r83:
People have long forgotten that mmm is not a bank, they don't have a central account. Pls allow them to do their work. Mmm have never lied to us, they said they will resume January and pessimist said mba mmm has finally gone. mmm kept to their promise, they bounced back and now the same bad beles are changing their tactics again. To d bad beles, keep on wailing while mmm members keep smiling to d bank. The inscription is clear on mmm page. PARTICIPATE ONLY WITH SPARE MONEY. all these people saying they have used their life savings and now crying foul to the media are the real mmm enemies. Mmm is still alive and has come to stay.

Dey r enemies of mmm bt their monies weren't enemies ryt? SMH. I used 2 think dere was hope 4 Nigeria, dt all we had was a problem of bad leaders & all we had 2 do was chase those bad leaders away. Alas!!! D scales hv fallen 4rm my eyes & I c dt we d followers r just as evil & myopic as our leaders. Even if we do chase d present crop away, D 1s who wld take their place wld be as bad if nt worse. Pple hv sold their souls, conscience & reasoning 2 mammon. 4 d 1st tym, I dare 2 say "Nigeria is dead".

Brugo:
See Nigerians. They never learn. MMM deep freezer part 2 is loading.

Simple questions:
Did the first people to GH "invest" anything?

If yes, who did they PH to?

Since the matching process is not transparent to participants, what stops the Nigerian admin from matching themselves to GH without providing any help?

Ever wondered how the top guiders became massively rich is so short a time?

Many Nigerians claim to be smart, sharp people. MMM has proved them wrong.

U wld live long my frnd.

priscaoge:





Shout Out to these greedy ones! Standing Ovation for Y'all that used ur life savings because of greed! MMM clearly told u to PH with ur spare money, you were told about d risks so why the rants? Abeg Y'all should have several seats in d gutter. MMM is finally back with conditions, you still have to wait for a while!

And for those that laughed and mocked MMM participants, the joke is on u! I don't see them flooding MMM post with their weak senseless propaganda! No more stories and history of Ponzi! No more prophetic messages about MMM! The Federal Government and their paid online propagandists are mute! The Comedians are hiding! The Faceless Nairalanders that only know how to insult are hiding their faces in shame! All these Ominiknowest has gone into Exile.

B4 u start gyrating 2 self-composed songs of victory over d return of mmm, kindly note dt so far, no 1 had come 2 say dey hv got their money back. MMM has only promised bt r yet 2 fulfill their promise so we who r strongly against d blatant greed fest & fraud dt is mmm hv nt yet bn proven wrong. Who do u tnk wld pay 4 d 5 billion chuddy ugorji allegedly made 4rm d scam? Pple mentioned in d article above. Som1 has 2 bear d brunt of D 30% interest & d numerous bonuses d guiders hv pocketed. Wt dey dnt tell u is dt it cld b u paying dt huge bill. Dey make it sound lyk wt mmm, evry participant walks out smiling 2 D bank. Until evry1 who has has money stranded in mmm gets his/her money back (dey dnt hv 2 add d interest), mmm is a scam.

Adminisher:
My dear friend,
Nigeria does not need the steel industry for aerospace stuff. It is carbon fibre, aluminium, titanium, cobalt.
This company is a small privately owned entity that we can partner with to gain experience in designing fuselage, wings and control surfaces of aircraft.
A lot of it is done by specialty software and mathematical solvers and they would have trained staff on this.
The guy you see in the picture is the part-owner, founder and CEO of the company
In the manufacturing sphere,there is also good opportunity to learn jig design for aircraft manufacturing, tooling and machining.

Why Nigeria is just doing this now is unfortunate but is not too late to start.

Tnx 4 shedding more light on d issue.

Janetessy:
Hmmmm





If you have never entered police NONSENSE before in ur life...,
You will be tempted to believe their STORIES

those people can lie for Africa

I swear... Nigeria police can frame more Dan photo framer. If u refuse 2 settle dem, dey can even call u an armed robber. Isn't nt hw 1 nairalander was almost arrested around Maryland because as he was going jejely & was threatened dt he wld b accused of being a yahoo boy simply because he refused 2 unlock his phone screen? BTW ur profile pic is foiiiine. U resemble omo baba olowo.

grandstar:
Thanks

U r welcome. I've nw remembered its name... Rubis red wine.

Even though ds is a commendable act, dey still hvnt addressed d core problem. We hv a moribund steel producing & processing industry. Until we fix dt, we wld still encounter more problems because dere wld no local sourcing of raw materials so we wld hv 2 import. We therefore need 2 stop putting d cart b4 d horse.

adioolayi:
Borno government should not share from tax collected from Alcohol manufacturers, import duties, VAT or any other proceeds from importantation, distribution and consumption of luxury spirits

In fact let Dem stop collecting federal allocation & refund previous 1s collected since d inception of D disbursement of federal allocations 2 states. Dey shld also nt partake of dt North East intervention funds. Hypocrites!!!

darknetcom:
wow..now that was a slap in the face..
you want the delta to join you and you dare insult the delta like this.. ....

FYI I'm nt biafran (nt dt it's a bad thing) bt dts d blunt truth. 2 pick up arms against a legitimate government (especially as ours is an elected 1) is an act of treason & any1 who chooses 2 do so shld b ready 2 pay d ultimate prize. While I sympathize wt d terrible conditions suffered by d pple in d Niger delta, D brutal truth is dt those militants r nt freedom fighters, dey r mercenaries fighting 4 their pockets using d unfortunate circumstances their pple r in as an excuse. If dey weren't, dey wldnt hv collected money when dey were offered amnesty. Dey wldnt hv demanded 4 juicy pipeline guiding contracts 4rm d govt. Dey wld hv demanded & seen 2 it dt d Niger delta b cleaned up, amenities & infrastructure provided, D average niger deltan empowered, industries built in their lands & oda long term solutions. Dey wld hv demanded 2 know hw d huge amounts of federal allocations & oda funds earmarked 4 d dev of D Niger delta thru agencies lyk NDDC were misappropriated. Dey shld hv held their local leaders 2 account 4 wt dey did wt numerous monies dt were paid 2 dem 4 d welfare of their pple. Instead, dey were busy collecting allowances 4rm d FG, being d big boys around & frolicking wt politicians in Abuja. Men lyk tompolo were busy buying warships & swindling his pple of d money dey were supposed 2 get 4 their land dey gave 4 d establishment of dt maritime University, pocketing billions & leaving dem wt paltry millions. D only reasons d Niger delta avengers started bombing was because
1. Jonathan lost power.
2. D FG were considering stopping payment of militants' allowance due 2 D harsh economic conditions.
3. D EFCC went afta tompolo because of his fraudulent activities.
So d militants r traitors 2 their pple & d entire Nigeria. Hence dey all deserve 2 dance 4rm d noose.

Jesusloveyou:
freedom to sin. and no freedom for righteousness.
Why not also challenge unrighteousness in court.
Or is not a breach of fundamental human right to be unrighteousness?

Dude, rada dan insult u (which wld b counterproductive), i hereby choose 2 educate u. Legality & morality r 2 separate things. Aristotle said "d law is reason free 4rm passion". Dt means dt laws hv 2 b made wt minimal sentiments & take in2 consideration variations of human nature. U can't legislate morality because morality is relative eg a Muslim is nt permitted by his/her 2 consume pork, it's immoral 2 him bt 2 a Christian, eating pork is nt immoral, imagine if a law is made 2 ban d consumption of pork, wldnt dt infringe on d ryt of D Christian? Also, dere is no compulsion in religion. U choose whether 2 obey d dictates of ur faith or not. Judgement is left 4 d person's god & nt 2 any human being. So u r free 2 either live righteously or odawise. It is nt with d jurisdiction of any court 2 challenge any individual on religious disobedience because in a Democracy, deres proper separation btw religion & government apparatuses. Religious bodies & officials hold no legal powers or authority. Finally, it's nt a breach of fundamental human rights 2 b unrighteous. Being unrighteous is btw 1 & 1s god nt btw 1 & d state.

grandstar:
Did Jesus's not turn water into wine? Bible does not condemn drinking (Psalms 104:15).

What the Bible condemns is drunkenness! (1 Corinthians 9-10) Common sense should tell us to drink moderately, drink responsibly (1 Timothy 5:23)

A glass of dt chocolate-infused red wine (I've 4gtn its name) 4 u. Dnt worry, it's on my tab.

ImperialYoruba:
Alcohol consumption is your fundamental human right? Lol....orisirisi

Yes I hv d ryt 2 carry out any activity dt isn't criminal or harmful 2 my neighbours there4 dt includes d intake of alcohol.

koma1:
Is alcohol legal in Christianity?

Yes (contrary 2 wt Pentecostals preach) bt on in moderate quantities. It's drunkenness dts a sin.

Abeg isn't it tym sharia law is outlawed in every state in Nigeria? It goes against d stipulation in d constitution dt dere shall b no state religion in Nigeria. Common law shld b d common legal denominator among all citizens of Nigeria. D use of a parallel legal system portends future dangers 4 ds coun3. D hisbah shld also b disbanded because dey r a future terrorist grp IMO. Religion & governance shld b kept poles apart. Dts wt obtains in any sane society. So because Islam frowns @ d intake of alcohol, non-Muslims in d entire borno state cannot purchase & consume alcohol? SMH.

SmartyPants:
How was their procedure professional if they never even checked with the Nigerian Army in the first place? Then who did they check with?

Nigerian army dt can lie more Dan Lai Mohammed... Hw many tyms dem don tlk say dem don kill shekau? Abi shekau na cat wey get get 9 lives? Lying & brutalizing harmless civilians r d areas of specialization d Nigerian army excel in exceptionally.

Abeg make we 1st concentrate on our 2 world cup qualifying matches against Cameroon 1st. If we fit win 2 of dem, we don qualify 4 world cup. Den we fit start dey strategize hw 2 qualify 4 ds 1.

Mannylex:
This is slowly becoming a rivalry. Some years back South Africa was piece of cake for us, but now they wield fear..... I however believe we would qualify with our present crop of players. It's safe to say we are presently in our "golden generation"

Dnt start celebrating yet. Our team is still very far 4rm being called golden. We hv just won a few matches & our strongest opponents hv bn Algeria. Until we go toe 2 toe wt d best in d world & emerge victorious, we dnt deserve dt title.