₦airaland Forum

Winnergirl is back

sweetlove:
how can we encorage parenst to let you stay with your boyfriend over night?

No good parent wud allow that so kill the thoughts.

Tobe was smart,he could have used his brain to do something legal and still live well.
why are we drawn to crime

I can't help but laugh oooo
Minister for Diasporas lolzzzz

Congratulations     

Welcome to the prestigious inner circle of nollywood.All that is left to do is to shoot the TV advert for your epic production.This is the easiest part of your work and the most enjoyable.Simply splice shots of the most action-ridden scenes in the movie eg the slaps,slumpings.You may even include scenes from hollywood blockbusters like Terminator 3.Don't forget to include breathless voice-over reeling out all the following words:explosive,scintillating,tragic,comic,action-packed,life-changing,grab your copy now now now!.You are allowed only [b]one [/b]sentence for all these adjectives.

Last but not the least,you must give God the glory.You fail to do this at your own peril.Nollywood audiences despise ungrateful movie-makers and never watch movies produced by atheists.As a filmmaker,you must acknowledge that you are nothing but " abic biro in the hands of the Almighty creator"

Piece written by Tolu Ogunlesi.

8[b] Add Filler scenes[/b]

Simply shoot scene-upon-scene of people chatting and laughing freestyle,driving around town in search of God-knows-what,fiddling with files in tastefully furnished offices and talking "billions" on phone,dining at a fast food joint,shopping at upscale boutiques,getting jobs in restaurants,stealing from a briefcase containing wads of naira notes or simply traveling to America.
Emphasize the passage of time eg 6 months later,6 years later and so on.

9 Check the length of the film

It should be atleast four hours.If not,shoot more and longer scenes involving the actions mentioned in step 8.Once this is accomplished,chop up the video into 2 hour portions.Name them part 1,2 and 3.

10 Schedule Assesment

If you have spent more than 1 week shooting this movie then you are a failure and not cut for Nollywood.You must be able to finish a movie in one week so as to be able to roll out atleast 3 movies in a month.If you cant meet up to this,discard the movie and go find work carrying cement on a construction site,you are not destined for nollywood.

4 Drag your actors on to location

Acting must start immediately.They will usually require no scripts or directing.Everyone will gravitate towards their instinctive roles and before long,your movie will plan out itself beautifully.Confused?,let me explain . .Someone like Jim Iyke will always be a fine boy,bad boy,Pete Edochie a billionaire red-capped chief,aki and pawpaw street urchins living from prank to prank while Patience Uzokwo is the wicked evil mother-in-law.

5 Add extra drama

Once acting has started,it is crucial to determine how many "slaps and slumpings" will feature in the movie.The more the slaps,faintings and slumpings,the merrier.Nollywood without slaps is like bollywood without dance moves.Jealous and angry lovers must always slap their rivals or partners.Someone must always clutch his or her heart and slump in slow motion.

6 Introduce a stethescope

Your set is incomplete without a stethescope !.Ask one of your lesser-know actors to play the role of a doctor.No movie can be qualified to bear the nollywood tag if there is nobody holding a stethescope,shaking his head and saying "Im sorry,we lost him/her . . ." and don't forget the nurse whose only role and line is "doctor,doctor,please come!doctor,doctor . . . ."

7 Stage a Death

A major decision involves deciding which of your heroes or heroines will have to die-usually an unjust death.You will have to choose a means of death,one or a combination of the following:
Gun-totting
Assassins
Food poisoning
Heart attack
Voodoo
At this stage,you have almost succeeded in achieving the Nollywood hall of fame.Relax,don't start rejoicing yet.There is still a little to be done before you can sit back and start counting your millions.What you have now is the skeleton of the movie,the backbone,which you will need to flesh out.This is very easy.

1 Select your actors.

Do this even before writing the script or determining the plot.The golden rule of nollywood is :the more popular actors you can include,the higher your sales wud be.Your beevy of famous actors don't all need to be cast in major roles.Most of them only need to show their faces for five seconds throughout the whole movie.You could have them walk past the supermarket or act as newspaper vendor from who the films hero can buy a paper.


2 Choose a title

Your debut film should leave no doubts about the film content.Nollywood audience don't like titles that have nothing to do with the plot.Examples of great titles include:
Mad Man
Stupid Husband
The love of Money
Broken Pot.

3[b] Design your movie Poster[/b]

You must cram in to the poster,the faces of all fifteen popular actors whom you succeeded in convincing to make appearances in the movie.The pictures on the poster can show faces of actors doing things they didn't do in the movie eg Desmond Elliot holding a machine gun and sweating despite the fact that he played a three minute role as a medical doctor.You are also allowed to include one or two actors who actually did not appear in the movie.No one wud know until after they have seen the movie and by then it will be too late.

Nollywood is a multi-million dollar industry.Whatever reservations one may have about its inputs,Quality it seems is in the eyes of the behlder.It is the third largest film industry in the world after hollywood and bollywood.which for its age,is no mean achievement.This unstoppable growth means steep competition for those who desperately want to be part of nollywood success story.Budding producers,directors,actors,actresses and fans,roll up your sleeves and lets make our own movie . . . . .

ogugua88:
If I use the kain word wey I want use,  I don't see any mention or implication of shame in my post. So many NLers are so combative. Una dey add words to everything I post, so eager to argue.

Una as in who and who?
I only asked u to shed more light on ur post,my reply to you was a question not a statement . . .You could also have chosen not to respond rather than flater urself.Good day.

Chei,so he in essence killed him cos of 100N?

[quote author=xoxo, link=topic=359506.msg7606065#msg7606065 date=1296039247]True we cannot fully judge someone else's iman bt we can always make an inference from their various actions. The yan dabbas(Area boys) who drink, smoke do all sorts of non-Islamic things. These people are not truly mindful of what their lord has ordained, they  would even eliminate non-hausa Muslims during the crisis.  The leaders they listen to are their mallams and traditional rulers. These people unfortunately condemn the attacks, yes, but you don't see them actively campaigning and sensitizing theses area boys.

You would not find the people from ansaruddeen or any other such organised islamic groups taking part in this.[/quote]Obviously,there are still sane and pure muslims who live by the "book" up there in the north,i guess what we have to do is pray,that they wud have the courage to speak out when need be.May Allah(swt) help us all,purify our deen and make the world embrace peace.amin

Ori eja,im crushing badly,happy now?lolz Dayo dayo,carry urself dey go abeg,any better for ur wallet?

amosexy:
Ify,

I didnt say i was igbo, i said if the traditional lists are like this be it yoruba or igbo or Hausa, i might not be getting married in another 20 years. I said Igbo becos i cant differenciate Igbo from from the Calabars, I've alwayz belivd they all are the same. i was just searching for a traditional wedding list on google, then i came aross that . God help us.

You are not Igbo,u saw this online and concluded its an Igbo list?u cant differentiate Igbo from Calabar oh well @Dayo,go siddon for shyte!

^Ori eja and his using question to answer questions tactis.@Topic its wrong.Assuming asking nicely wont work,when u take be kind enough to inform him before he steps out of the house.I prefer asking nicely or taking it from him using feminine powers.Besides if u keep taking without asking,one day he might be forced to start hiding his wallet. . .that wont be nice at all

Jenny,ofcourse its possible to fall in love along the line.when there is respect,co_operation and understanding why wont love come in?btwn,who says love is all it takes to keep a happy home?Im mobile now so i cant dig out a certain thread where a man was asking if "love is all the ish in marriage"The op needs to take sometime out alone and think.she shld weigh her options very well,shes the one wearing the shoe.

lol Jenny.keep ur girl children for my boys and start now to compile ur list.OP claimed she is igbo and yet words like "nto_ete,edem eka,nka ekong" did not sound strange to her ears,oh chim.

Million dollar question is this:how are we sure that the ex wud marry her if she dumps the husband?If the ex loves her as he claimed,why did he resurface now?which kind of man abandons a babe he loves in the face of difficulties?Assuming your ex did not come back now,wud u have gone ahead to marry this man and wud u have been faithful?OP,u are letting your ex use your head to play 'ten_ten',walahi!have u stopped to think abt your husband?does he deserve all this?in as much as i wont prescribe u marry him out of pity but it wud be really callous if u leave him for the ex.many marriages have survived  without the "romeo and juilet" love likewise lots of "high sch. sweetheart" marriages have crumbled.your ex threw away what he had and now trying to get it back,wud u want to do same?my heart is going for the victim here ie your hubby.he surely deserves someone better,u are still interested in hide_and_seek;goodluck with it

^Mba nwanne m ,ilu gi di more than correct.it could be wolf or fox,mine is merely another version of the same ilu.jide ka i ji.

@Ezeagu ur last post is priceless!who could have thought of that "di obia" thanks a million.@Don,o nweghi onye macha ihe nile,a na amu,a na amuta.

@Azharuddin,you made great points.However,im looking at Nigeria now. . .im mobile now,i wud look more into the points and questions u raised when im home.salam

@LB,as per that thread,i understand why u chose to avoid it but for how do we have to ignore and look the other way?i also know such threads ends in arguments and insults but pls let it NOT stop us from speaking out.You can still poP_in ,say ur piece and refuse to be drawn into mindless arguments.It wont be easy though,may Allah help us.

LB,I chose to use Jos crisis cos its closer home.since this crisis started,people not animals are being slaughtered daily,now we have been having our prayers(likewise christians)have we or is there any effort/strucrure put in place to say,after salat,the iman wud have a brief talk with the youths?we have socities asar udeen etc,have they been educating people and discouraging violence or they prefer to keep quiet?In as much as this measures might not stop the madness going on in the north but it can touch/save a soul.when there is sharia to be implented,it starts from the mosque,we suddenly have leaders but when issues like violence erupts,it seems we do nothing.im assuming alot here,perharps there are structures up there but we all need to put in more effort and may Allah(swt) purify our Islam,guide us together with those he have guidedstrenghten us and put us into his care.Amin

First,this list is from either akwa ibom or cross rivers state.Again,i see no wow factor with this list aside the monies supposedly meant for the brides parents.How come u all dont yap abt white weddings abi is that one free?

Lagosboy:
Radicalism IMO is a relative term and depends on the context of discussion. Extremism is of various types and kind and i will appreciate if you define the kind of extremism you mean. Rejection of hadith in its entirety IMO is one form of extremism, castigating all non muslims and caalling for their head is another form of extremism.

Some muslims that stand for the Palestinian cause by going on the Turkish Flotila were tagged as radicals by non muslims and people who blow themselves up are also termed as radicals. These two groups are different but termed as radicals.

Ify , your query is very general and wide perhaps if you redefine it it would help me insha Allah to know where to start from.

And God knows best

LB,Salams,hope u gud?.
Let me give examples that are not far -fetched :
The killings and riots in Jos,in as much as it has political undertones but it has been generally linked to Islam,what have our leaders(Imans) done and are doing?Have they ever bothered to come out and speak boldly to the youth in the area?Most of the Youth are illiterates and hungry but Yet they, it seems,listen and obey not just the man with money but also the religious leaders,what are our Imans up there doing?Keeping mute or looking the other way rather than caution and let them know that Islam does not encourage slaughtering women and kids.
We get to hear abt this religious leaders when say a woman is caught for adultery and sentenced to death,etc ,their decisions are order,obeyed without questions even when its against the Prophets(Pbuh) teaching but when its issues of violence,we don't hear nada from them.  

https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-373844.32.html
Some of the replies at the above thread made me cringe.

We need a change,a revolution within the deen.IMO

Lets leave out the castigating of Muslims by non-muslims for now . . .

mukina2:
this is the big problem my sis.
If there is no knowledgeable  person directing/goading them, then you have muslims who will know whats right and will deliberately stand  by the person instead of correcting them, for fear of losing face .
that is why we have lots of religious fights in some African countries like northern Nigeria, i live in a predominately muslim country but we have had none of this type because people tell you when you are wrong, they do not act like hypocrites so as not to lose face.

Even online here, instead of addressing the issues and set things right, some will deliberately avoid the issue and talk of something else. we have seen it lots of times.
its is very very sad.

Gbam

namfav:
i know where the indian cop are coming from, whats worse than a drug dealing stinking igbo women stripping infront of you

Hahaha,lekwa aturu Fulani.

youngies:
Your appetitie for men is scary, how many 'husbands' will be enough for you?

You have married Agaba, Ikomi, Becommrich and Toshmann

lol
Youngies commot for road,na jealousy dey worry u,besides that list needs updating.
otondo

fstranger1:
She is a N Y M P H O

Rofl
Im dialing Blazay

azharuddin:
Only rely on very reliable sources. We should Avoid being obsessed with controversial matters especially historical details. Ask your local Imam if you have doubts. I m lucky to have a good local Imam. Also i was taught basic Islamic studies when i was younger. We have a syllabus for it which is approved by a board of scholars. That really helps me to discard misconceptions.
  More importantly Concentrate on basics more, like Salat, Zakat and good manners.  There is enough and more to learn about Salat, Dikr and duas to make us busy for the rest of our lives.

If a friend goes extreme or radical, ask them if they are following the 5 pillars of Islam first. Do they read the Quran frequently? Do they perform Salath 5 times daily? Ask them to get the basics perfected first.
Ameen.
And our Islam too.
Ameen.

Do you think that avoiding matters works?Anyway,it works sometimes for online forums eg Nld but im more concerned abt the real life,how do you call to order a sis/bro that is gradually going radical especially when it seems that they have a supposed knowledgeable person encouraging/guiding/directing them
@Bolded,Yes i guess that should work.
Im looking forward to a situation whereby we wud have a lone strong voice that wud be able to unequivocally at all times distance Islam from the various vices that have creeped into the deen.Such bodies might be existing already,but i think we need to put in more effort . . . . Case study is Northern Nigeria.

Udara/agbalumo,i gave an arm to get it.

@All,what are u doing to correct the misconceptions within the deen?
What can be done cos we wud be lying If we claim that there are none.In our circle of believing friends how do we help each other esp. those that are going radical and extreme.
Are there structures put in place to handle such issues within the deen?
May God purify my Islam.Amin

azharuddin:
‎It is reported that,The Messenger of Allah (Saw) said:
“A believer never gets satisfied doing good until he reaches Jannah.”

[Tirmidhi]

Let it be my portion,Insha Allah.Amin

Jakumo is my sweetheart,U wanna get him,buzz moi.

ziddy:
^^
The one thing I'm sure of is that he's not a Nigerian

Wrong.He sure is a Nigerian.