₦airaland Forum

mechummy: NO. I can't be a side chic

How about being the other/alternate/co chic? Better description perhaps?

Mathicks: LOL. cuz you'll have two girls?

You my guy is the prized asset so let them compete for the biggest prize about the place kinda thing

On the more serious note though, it's only dating so what's the big deal. Not like ya'll are going out there making commitments at that age anyway.
abeg make una enjoy una self jare. You have a whole life to stay with one person if and when you eventually get married

mathematician: [color=#51fd0d] i cannot decipher your post, what exactly do you mean[/color]

Simply put, your use of color is whack.

There is love in sharing

lemme ask google

Please tell me you are clowning

3 issues here really,
He allegedly wronged you and refusing to apologise,

He doesn’t respect you,

He sees you as soft and weak probably because of the love you have for him or simply because as a married woman and according to the obvious religious teachings, you are supposed to stay married even if the man is allegedly having extra marital affairs.



First question is, have you told him how his actions are making you feel?

If you are the type that aren’t necessarily able to speak your mind due to various reasons, have you then showed him how his actions/inactions are making you feel in the relationship?

Do you know/understand that if the other party in a relationship is perceived as being weak then the relationship is most certainly not going to work in the long run and the person concerned will stay unhappy unfulfilled.

Relationship is meant to be fun. You are not meant to be unhappy so my advice for you is to talk to him. I just cannot stress how important COMMUNICATION is in relationships. No point you trying to find solutions without knowing what exactly the problem is. You are there feeling like a love-peddler but yet the obvious problem still persists.
This man once loved you to the extent of marrying you so making him understand how all these is making you feel should be the way forward.



Here are some of the things you can try/ask him:
Try having the conversation when he is relaxed. Maybe middle of the night after one of your sessions or after cooking him his best meal. Try not to argue but make sure you communicate all your concerns to him. You can write the key questions down before having the conversation with him

Ask him how he would feel if you were the one sending suggestive text message to your male friends

How would he feel if saying sorry and feeling remorseful was also a difficult thing for you to do as well

What would have happened if the girl he sent the text messages to was actually up for it as well

What exactly does he want you to improve on if he isn’t currently satisfied.


If he doesn’t improve after having the conversations with him, the next step is to try mediation. You can involve someone like a pastor or family member that you know he respects and would most certainly listen to.

All the best

No biggie really.. I've wowed people doing that sorta things as well
stereotyping is mother of all efups

I'm waiting for this dude (https://www.nairaland.com/genbuhari) to come debunk this claim again

GenBuhari: Abacha never looted at all.

Thief Obasanjo and Evil looter Babangida are top contenders

https://www.nairaland.com/1447698/nigeria-most-corrupt-ruler#18265542

I trust my third leg to disobey in such circumstance

Impressive and i'm sure it won't attract 'em south london jobless touts

oya link me up sharpish, me sef wan meet celeb

stillwater: So he knew he cannot afford it and he's berating her to come?

smarty pants

before or after they became successful?

eyitayoemmanuel: Opening a secret account is a must for me at this point but sincerely I never planned to be secretive to my husband.

Why can't you just put your foot down instead of doing hide and seek?

For how long do you want to be doing that really?

egbaran: I think islam is against such coz i av seen an example of a footballer dat had isusses wit is club b'coz of d sponsorer were like kind of involve in a business dat involves interest.a newcastle footballer by name papi cisse bt 2 be honest u jst av 2 do d job if u really in need of a job.

Please don't use papis cisse as an example. Dude obviously has double standards. He was photographed gambling in newcastle
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/football/article-2374878/Papiss-Cisse-allegedly-gambles-casino-despite-Newcastle-Wonga-row.html

Freddie kanoute is a much better example IMO

stillwater: Why are you guys trying to be economical with the question 'who is going to pay for the trip?' Lol
I hope they've passed the dating phase and are actually in a serious relationship. If they are in a serious relationship then the girl should ask him point blank who is going to pay for the trip? His response will determine if he is a serious person or not.

What if he can't afford it but she can, would that make him a not so serious person?

Tinkybabe: The guy doesn't even bring anything to the table..The OP is responsible for everything.

That's obvious but you still haven't proffered a solution on how they go about paying their bills in the short term.

The man is only comfortable with the current situation because he has been allowed to get away with him being less of a man time and time again. To change a man like that has to be tactful if leaving him is not an option.

Tinkybabe: The emboldened..Joint account for what?after the access he has to her personal account she should then open a joint account making him a signatory to the account..Mba nu!

How do you propose they pay the bills in the short term?
I mean over here most bills are done via direct debit hence my suggestion that one should be opened for this reason alone

Tinkybabe: You need to apply tough love like someone said,does he even realise he's a family man at all?Living off his wife?
I don't know how you intend going about it but you need to withdraw all the stipends you give him..Stop indulging him if you want the best for him and your family..

[/color]

I agree that the OP needs to apply tough love but IMO, applying tough love without systematically delivering it will only lead to other issues.

I think most of the people here have already adviced you accordingly on the best approach to take concerning the matter at hand.

Here is how I would advice you go about it
Sit him down and make him understand in a firm/concise manner how the current situation has to stop and how he has to accept your non negotiable proposal on immediate/medium term.

Immediate Plan
Retrive your ATM cards from him – You are not his slave but his wife
Open a joint account – This is necessary so you can tightly control your expenses. All bills should be paid from this account
Do up a monthly expense analysis – If he has absolutely no income then be prepared to pay for all the essentials (accommodation, food) for an agreed period. I will suggest 6 months or thereabout.
Agree an interim monthly upkeep – As an example, if you are left with 50K after all expense has been taken care of, give him 10% of that and save the rest.


Medium term
You expect him to have an income within 3-6 months
Withdraw the monetary upkeep support you give him within 3-6 months
Reduce your monetary contribution to the upkeep of the family in stages (You can do a gradual 5-10% incremental withdrawal up until he is able to shoulder the majority )


All the best

D sage: Notting is romantic about the topic. Besides,I don't think someone should tell you before you know.

Thread has romantic undertone and absolutely nothing to do with politics. I honestly don't know what happened to your comprehension skills. If anything, it's best suited for the family because of the obvious commonalities that exist within romance/family

D sage: Moderators, I'd prefer this thread be move to political section.

Your reason?

vislabraye: I broke one of these rules.
I used to work as a teacher years ago for a smaLl school. I taught maths, physics, fmaths and they added computer science. So the proprietor wanted to add Economics to it, then I said " I can't cope". Abi did I say the rite thing ?

You said the wrong thing.

I would have said, adding an extra subject to my already loaded workload will mean i won't be able to perform at my utmost best whilst delivering the other subjects.

The key thing is you shouldn't be in the business of saying no to your boss instead you should make them understand the impact the decision they are about to make will have on deliverables

Amya: 1. I'm not angry. I'm sad, miserable, in the dumps e.t.c

2. Who says he cheated? He may be planning to.

3. I didn't do any of those things for him because I wanted him in my debts forever, no! I did it cos I loved him! Why should he suffer when he has me?

4 it hurts because if he truly loved me, he wouldn't want to get back with his ex. He wouldn't say all he said to her if he truly loved me. He wouldn't deny my existence if he truly loved me.

So let's focus on the fact that this dude (albeit a lazy sod not worthy to be called a man) lied about your existence despite what you guys have and solid you though it was.

The frank thing is, he doesn't deserve you and you are better off without him. I think the quicker you can start looking at the positives out of this whole debacle the easier it will be for you as far as moving on is concerned.

I know it's tough but i pray you will be able to find the much needed inner strength to be able to pull through.

All the best

Can you please answer this question.
Are you angry because he was a cheat and things didn't work or you are distraught because "after all you did for him" he still cheated on you?

chaircover: He is the one doing the inviting and he would have gone to Nigeria himself if not because he cant give up work, in which case he would have paid 100% towards his ticket . . .not so

This is where the differences in roles of the different sexes in relationships comes in.

In the early days, It is not unusual for the guy to do all the chasing and wooing. Many times when a man invites a lady out for lunch, he pays . . . . . . let just see this situation as the guy inviting his babe out

I'm actually not trying to comment based on this circumstance alone hence my issue with the expectation angle.

I've read somewhere on this same NL where some girls expect their respective bf's to pay for transport fee (A-->B B-->A vice versa) all because he asked them to come visit. This shouldn't be the norm and if we are trying to move women away from over relying on their bf's then they better start wearing the independent women tag a bit more.

Tinkybabe: Interviewer: So why do you want to work with us?

Me: In all sincerity,it's because of the money But I understand that nothing good comes easy hence I decided to gain knowledge and skills that would help me achieve this. Your company happens to provide the right platform for me to exhibit these skills and put my knowledge into use thereby make money .

I was only being sincere,would it be fair if I'm turned away?

Here is a much better spin if you are to incorporate money as one of the determinant factor in wanting to work for them.

Start with telling them the usual jargons on how you fit into their strategic goals, how you believe your strength/skills will help deliver these set goals
Then slide in the comment along the line of:

I also would like to work for a company that usually rewards hard work with a well remunerated package which usually comes in the form of;
Competitive salary package,
Word class investment in personnel development