₦airaland Forum

Bahamas95:
➜When you plan your life very well no child would forget you in old age. Parenting is not only about providing food and shelter for your children. Build that conscience and connection with them at a young age.

Exactly!

Winterhaven:
These Yahoo pastors will continue to cash out as long as Christians choose to remain gullible

Name just one of your pastors that is not a Yahoo pastor. Just one!

Carndidlaydid:
➜You wanna Learn to stay in an abusive marriage...

Just imagine...

Mineisgrace:
Just pray and fast against it and you will be inspired to live right and associate with confidence

Did you know that the primary reason why your churches and mosques are filled to the brim has to do with mental illness, primarily generalized anxiety and panic disorder? Yes, most of your prayers — fights against the devil, spirits, enemies, etc.— are driven by underlying mental illness.

Mentally sound individuals do not go around believing they are being chased or targetted by invisible enemies, spirits, demons, etc.

lilsmart:
You go pray till kingdom come

You dey mind dem!

omo17:
➜I also but Zoloft sometimes Last yr although not on proscription but by my personal findings but I didn't use it after reading some of its side effects especially erectile dysfunction. I had to discard it

DId you have low libido while on the drug, or was it just the possibility of that side effect that scared you off taking the medication? Did you at least try any of the other options?

TUANKU:
This won't apply to wealthy/rich men. My grand father a man of 90+ is still surrounded by 7 children from his last two wives ... these children whom are my uncles are way younger than me, i mean i have uncles still in primary school.
Presently with 2 wives and 7 children the his house is a circus, Baba is anything but lonely. As a man plan your life well, don't slave all your life for your family members only while ignoring yourself, a little selfishness won't hurt.

So, a man needs to have children well into his late years to have kids around him? This is so sad....

Jagabanfromcali:
Men have and raise kids outside any marriage and u won’t regret it

A child you had out of wedlock and probably never even recognized as your own, and whose mother you probably allowed to live in humiliation is the one who will come in to be the dutiful son or child to you? Una no well at all. 🥱🥱🥱

lailo:
➜Miss koboko Abeg I no get your time. Carry your wahala go

Next time, don't bother dumping your trash reasoning my way then.

descarado:
➜You know, in this my family,I looked at the future and wanted to prevent this lamentation. I do not have girls. And oga was behaving like typical igbo father. I started weekend time with the kids. The kitchen is for you and your kids. The man was very stoic at first. Dishing out orders left and right. Told him better to calm down. The aim is for bonding and not dishing out orders. Bond with your kids and play with them. Noticed they cannot jump on the bed when the dad is there.
Anything school, my hands off. Cleaning the house is between him and them.
Still seeing them as kids when they are already taller than him. Now its time to start discussing man topic, they will ask me instead of him.
If I see any nigerian man that is flexible with his male child, I duff my hat for that man.
All the low self esteem and nonsense we see here is cos of present but absent fathers.
My kids are already clingy around me no matter how independent I want them to be. Was very sick couple of days ago. Nasty flu.
See them so scared and checking on me. I have seen their behaviour when their dad is sick.
Hmm. May heaven help us

. Please suggest that he seek help from a mental health therapist at this point. His own unresolved trauma from his childhood is responsible for keeping him from bonding with his own children. Stoicism is not a personality trait but a behavioral choice, and this was likely made in an attempt to protect oneself from hurt and vulnerability in life— a wall to protect oneself from possible enemies from outside. I know because I used to use some of those as armor against the world.

Anyone can become a better parent and a decent father/mother to their kids. It takes a lot of inner work to accomplish this, but it is not impossible. 🥱🥱

Adekunlegold9ja:
➜Though I initiated the break up because I was pressured by her. But then I realized I made a mistake. Tho I have begged her but the vehemently refused to comeback.Reminding of what I said.
➜ It’s 6months now. My heart is breaking everyday when I realize she is with someone else. And myself I have been single and no one seem forthcoming

1. You did the right thing so stop beating yourself up about it. You already had your plate full so removing the relationship was the best thing at that point, and there is no reason for you to riddle yourself with regret.

2. Heartache mirrors the process of addiction withdrawal. You were infatuated— a type of addiction to hormones that your brain had you on— with this girl for a while, and so the heartache would also mirror the process of addiction withdrawal. It takes time, so don't blame yourself, but accept and go through it.

See below!

Adekunlegold9ja:
➜This 2025 my plan was to set out to achieve some personal stuff academically and develop myself.
Unfortunately early this year I had to make some payments and pay some debt I had borrowed for some mistakes and unfortunate things that happened the tail end of 2024. Even after making this payment. A girl I had once asked out and she refused called me that will I be interested in a relationship.i had told her I am no financially strong for that now. But I changed my mind when I realized I really like the girl Long story short we broke in just 2month.due to financial reasons. Now the girl is with someone else and I rueing my mistakes and my life, Even though I have been able to achieve some personal things. My heart is totally ripped off by that girl. Now there is one I can approach

Here's a life lesson that you should take to heart if you really don't want to hurt yourself like this. When you are going through things like this, avoid starting new relationships. (If you are already in a relationship when the storm hits, let your partner know so he/she can maybe give you a break or cut you some slack.) It will help your mental health and peace in the long run.

2. You are broke, and there are also your academics to deal with. Sure, your heart was broken, but here... you need to channel that energy into more productive avenues where it will better serve you, please. The world is vast, and even though your mind thinks that it has to be that girl or no other, the fact is that you will meet other girls who will likely be better matched with you than that girl was at that point in your life. So, focus your mind on working on the problems that got in the way of your goals this year. After you have resolved them and are certain you have attained the discipline you need in that area, then move on to working on other issues.

Do not be afraid to spend this time also learning to accept yourself(flaws and all) and loving yourself(self-love). No matter what you do in the years to come, self-love, which breeds the best kind of self-confidence(none of the performative or entitled nonsense people are used to displaying), always turns out to be the best gift one can give to oneself. 🥱

Kalulu44:
➜If I am rich as the politicians I will spend more than they do sef. But since I am not like them I will cut my suit to my size

. That is the sensible way to go about dating. Always date within your means. 🥱🥱🥱🥱

Deceiving or scamming a woman into dating you by pretending to be balling will only get you one pain in the end because no sane individual would remain or wish to continue dating a liar and a scammer. The scammer is not a victim in any sense.

Sonyboom765:
➜So what is required to be interested ? Does a date not present the possibility of interest because of it does not why venture on a date at all ?

Argh!

A possibility of interest IS NOT a guarantee of interest. There are different reasons why people date.

Hhh4444:
➜just dey play...A man can still do all you listed and end up lonely. In a world where a man is valued for what he can provide,the day he stops providing,all friendships are gone. The best bet for a man is on himself and his money.

Stop spreading old and now meaningless lies! Human behavior and social connections are no longer puzzles. You can now read books that will help you be a better parent overall. Stop believing the trash stories you were brainwashed with by people who never had your best interest in mind. 🥱🥱🥱

lailo:
➜You guys are getting it wrong. Men nature is different from women nature. No matter what u do as a man, u are still likely to be lonely bcs naturally men dont rely on others but are self reliant. Even when they are suffering, they tend to suck it up and internalize the solution.
Unlike women who naturally will depend on others to solve their problems. That's why they prepare and hope on the children to take off from where their father's efforts to provide for all her needs could not go beyond.
No matter how close emotionally or socially u are to your children as a man, that independent figure will still play out and the children will see u as all sufficient but in the case of women who are natural dependant, they leverage on the emotional ties with the children to explore all opportunities. That's the difference.
Men and Women have different nature and no amount of awareness can change nothing. If u dont want to be lonely at old age as a man,
1. Just have enough money, money will bring people around you including those your children and wife
2. Still stay connected to your peers, former family members and associates. Pls dont cut ties with them for whatever reason
3. Have financial plan for your old age by yourself
God will help men.

This thing you cobbled up here is nonsensical at best. It pretty much tries to paste together all the sordid lies we have been fed over and over by delusional story tellers to deceive and delude men into doing nothing better than that which has been done in the past. IT is all bullsheet! 🥱🥱

Go study human behavior, human connection, and socialization to realize that all of those old, ridiculous ideas are meaningless.

Kalulu44:
➜In as much I agree with all your assertion. But on this one, there's no greener light brighter than the one the girl is giving the Op.
"I once saw a couple kissing at this bus stop" she didn't saw any couple but rather imagining both of them kissing there. What other light do the op needs

In saner climes, many boys have ended up in prison for interpreting mere words like that as light for them to grope or stick their tongue inside of a woman's mouth. Go ask them to explain to you how that act got a sexual assault charge. They will be in a better position to explain to your arse. 🥱🥱

tollyboy5:
Most of us?
You and who? You guys are never beating the allegations.

So, men are not people when a woman uses the term?

And here I thought I was engaging an intelligent being. Oh, well! 😄🥱🥱

tollyboy5:
➜You're absolutely right. Nigeria girls like playing this sort of greenlight game and expect you to makes some moves.
➜That's rubbish! Some might not really like you but just want to play. I'll actually go for the players because I'm a striker and not a lover 😁

It ain't just Nigerian girls who play such games. Young people — both male and female — play those games as they are coming into their own sexuality. Most of us did it too, but that doesn't mean we all wanted to date everyone with whom we played such games. 🥱🥱🥱

2. The game is not rubbish, as it is our individual way of flexing our sexual muscles from time to time. However, for someone else to choose to interpret this flexing of what are human muscles as some sort of green light for them to take advantage of or assault us is something else. Just imagine if a gay friend of yours interpreted the flexing of your sexual muscle as a green light. I am certain many Nigerian men would consider that uncalled for.

greatiyk4u:
➜You no well at allYou mean body and sign languages are not forms of communication again?
You mean a sane adult responding willingly to sign language is now illegal?If you are made a judge, then over 90% of Nigeria men will be in

🥱🥱🥱

greatiyk4u:
➜If the guy is as comfortable as you are trying to paint it here, he won't come to SM of all places to rank about ordinary 61K and relationship refusal

We should be calling out boys who go dating women that are above their means in this. He came on SM to rank but never mentioned that the lady put a gun to his head, either to date her or take her to eat at this expensive restaurant. He did all of that to impress her and came to rant when the lady still turned him down afterwards. That na a him problem, not a her problem.

greatiyk4u:
➜A question for you................
If I have a female friend I suspect is admiring me.......I take her out on a date and after dropping her off, I open my arms for a hug, look direct into her eyes and extend my lips for a kiss without saying a ward and she reciprocates.......is that also a form of sexual abuse?

Yes, it is! The polite thing to do is to ask if it is OK to get a kiss and maybe a hug.

She may have reciprocated because she did not want to embarrass you or because her low sense of self got the better of her. She may not have liked you even after the date, but because you did not really give her a choice in the matter decided to kiss you and hug you in return anyway, maybe right before blocking you completely.

Mcslize:
Don't trust anything a woman tells you seriously. They always speak from both sides of the mouth.

You mean men don't speak from both sides of their mouths as well? If not, why not date a man instead?

kenchop:
➜Yes refund him his money , making the dude spend 61k just to sit out with you. Can you spend 61k on yourself for just an hour? Poor girls everywhere.

The dude chose to date a girl above his means, chose to take her to a restaurant he was not comfortable with paying for, and you think she is the one to blame for his lack of discipline? Poverty men should know to date only women they can afford, not above their means.

chudez0147:
➜Can you help that your poor neighbor with just 20k ?? 61k is way too much for just a night food even to the super rich. Dangote wont advice you otherwise

. Is he responsible for the well-being of the poor neighbor? 61k is not too much for someone who can afford it. It is only too much for those of you who cannot afford it. When you go to date, date only women who you can afford and also take them to places where you can afford, not places you cannot, and spend only what you can afford. Know this and gain wisdom! 🥱🥱

daveP:
➜That's true. It's just not a one size fits all situation. Sometimes, na church dey help reconcile after some long term beef as well. And sometimes, different continents.
➜ I know a family that all are abroad, the kids. They send in $ and £€ Monthly like Salary to their parents. But to show face na wahala. Na when their popc die, they show face. Gave him grand burial. Their mom was the one angry at all of them, narrating how their dad did this and that, etc.
➜ As you said, sociopaths. We need to accept this demograph takes a chunk of the % on this table.
➜ Mothers manipulation and gaslighting dey Kids finding out truths and switching dey(Many mothers don't care about the fact that if kids find out the truth, their abandon them in old age due to resentment for selling them lies for decades of existence with confidence)
➜ Overall, one needs to instill values that will make kids have good judgement and face these issues.
➜ Imagine a lady is single and Prophet told her her mom is behind her predicament. She came back home from Norway and her mum was expecting her without even telling her she was coming. She narrated how she did some spiritual dark stuff over her daughter and that though she has good career and all, until she does some stuff, man no go look her side. Real story. Her uncle was aware. Dad is late. She went thru his diary and saw that her parents fought cos the mom did some decisions solo. That was it. Welll.... This life ehn.

1. Churches are notoriously bad at exactly what you described. Many of the problems that exist between parents and their children are created by your churches, so how can the same sources of the divisive ideologies that many of these absent fathers live by be the solution? Nah!

2. Storyland! The children intentionally stayed away. You think they only heard of their mother's anger and cried only after the man died? Wrong! They probably hated their father, but tolerated him because their mother refused to leave him. There are so many other people in the same shoes. You should go on TikTok and listen to their storytime of people who have chosen to go no contact with their parents or family members to understand the reasons why people may feel it is better to abandon even their father in certain situations.

3. Sociopaths make up only about 1-4% of the population, and no, not all such people cut off communication with parents. I only mentioned them because they are the only ones who have the capacity to do so without reason. However, most people who cut communication or go no contact do so with a very good reason.

4. This is mostly a lie that the society has fed and used to delude Nigerian men into believing the fault isn't theirs when they are abandoned by their children. The fact is, when children become adults, the majority of them go looking for answers for themselves. And what they find contributes to them choosing to stay away from the parent they eventually decide they should either stay away from or continue to have no contact with.

5. You cannot instill values that you yourself do not uphold into your children. They see and learn from your examples. And when a parent is not emotionally, socially, or physically connected to their children, the chances are great that the children will remain distant from that parent even into their adulthood. The only one who can break that cycle is the parent; however, many Nigerian men remain set in their ways even into adulthood, thinking that they can browbeat/bully their children into connecting against their will when they are turned adults. This rarely ever works. 🥱🥱

5. This is a bullsheet story! What stopped the lady from searching for her dad before moving to Norway and in her early adulthood? Blaming her mother for her being single is nonsensical reasoning. 🥱🥱

The story no get heads or tails. Parents fight, and there is nothing wrong with that. If she cared so much about her dad, why didn't she search for or demand that her mother or relatives give her his contact and whatever else she may have needed during her teens and early 20s? Let's please stop spewing these utterly atrocious tales that present people more like imbe_ciles than as intelligent beings. It is 2026 soon, abeg! 🥱🥱

Lalami3232:
➜Non-virgins go continue taking the lead as long as most of una wan impress. I can't give you what I can't afford to part with. She's a non-virgin for goodness sake!!!

So, in your mind, a virgin would require less than this woman got? Basically, you can't afford a non-virgin, but you should deserve a virgin? Poverty don overhaul una core ability to critically reason be the problem. 🥱🥱🥱

brain54:
➜Some women actually enjoy these kind of relationships... Where they are beaten by their partners.
➜ I can't recall what it's called now. They are women that want their men to dominate and beat them. Yep!

Wrong! They do not enjoy it. Rather, these are people with such a low sense of self, and extremely low levels of self-esteem that they feel those sorts of situations are what they deserve in life. The problem is that even such humans have limits. The moment that limit is reached, they are prone to blowing up in ways that way be fatal to those around them.

2. Such relationships are a result of having unhealthy attachment and trauma.

While there isn't one single word, enduring abuse because you feel you deserve it often stems from internalized self-blame, shame, or psychological effects like trauma bonding (similar to Stockholm Syndrome), where victims develop unhealthy attachments to abusers, believing the abuse is justified or a result of their own failings, a core component of complex trauma responses.
Key Concepts:
Internalized Stigma/Self-Blame: Victims may adopt the abuser's negative view of them, believing they are inherently flawed and therefore deserve mistreatment.
Trauma Bonding: A strong emotional attachment forming between an abuser and victim, creating loyalty despite the abuse, often with feelings of deserving it.
Stockholm Syndrome: A specific form where victims develop positive feelings or sympathy for their captors/abusers, sometimes seeing their perspective as valid.
Complex Trauma (C-PTSD): Prolonged abuse can lead to deep-seated survival patterns, including self-denial, a sense of worthlessness, and a belief that harm is normal or deserved.
Why This Happens:
Manipulation: Abusers often use gaslighting, insults, and isolation to erode a victim's self-worth, making them doubt reality and believe they are the problem.
Survival Mechanism: For some, accepting blame becomes a way to cope with unpredictable abuse, creating a warped sense of control or understanding.

In essence, it's a psychological response to abuse, where the victim internalizes the abuse as a reflection of their own inadequacy.

There is nothing enjoyable or healthy about such relationships — they are wrapped in abuse and trauma dumped from one partner onto the other. 🥱🥱🥱

Elock1:
➜1. Side effects 2.money to continue
➜3. And other personal reasons

Have you suggested your doctor place you on a cheaper alternative, for instance? This could also mean fewer adverse side effects. 🥱🥱

2. And what personal reasons would you have to wish that you would wish to discontinue treatment for an illness that you know is detrimental to your quality of life?

Elock1:
1.zoloft
2. Not bad so far, experience some side effects tho
3.still on it (roughly a month)
4.i will likely quit soon

Why will you quit soon? Have you been cleared of the issue that got you on Zoloft before now? 🥱🥱

daveP:
I notice on this subject, they do blame men for being absent or wicked, mean to their kids and then the kids revenge. It is not always so direct like that. FFA said
[url]There are 3 seasons in your life as a parent:
When you direct and raise your kids-You're in charge.
When you aren't there-The kids are in charge of their own lives as school, career takes over
When you are there but-They're now in control of their lives and their parents' lives. Old Age takes over. What the kids say is mostly final if not all [/url]
Many forget this. Many do everything right but still end up unappreciated. Yeah. And some are due to manipulation from mothers, in laws or even religious beliefs. Of course there are truths to these. Just that I've seen many that despite all they did, they still suffer or are punished.
I've also seen mothers in this category. Kids all grown and she's left to suffer in old age due to one or two
Make one sha do well and pray that labor will not be in vain.

Unless the children in question had sociopathic tendencies, they almost always reflect the conditions of their upbringing when they become adults back at those who raised them. Ask the children why they decided to cut contact with their parents, and you will hear the truth of what really happened from the insider's point of view. 🥱🥱🥱

The basic principle is that a parent who is emotionally, socially, and physically connected to the lives of the children, even into adulthood, will rarely ever be abandoned by them. However, parents who ignore every opportunity to bond with their children, even into adulthood, risk having those children go no contact with them even into old age.

Nancyeke:
➜How do i love myself… I ask this question because someone once accused me of been egotistical.
Because I corrected her for being insensitive

Loving yourself has to do with rotating your validation compass so that it points inwards as opposed to pointing outwards for the validation you seek in life. You need to learn to accept and love yourself (flaws included) and train yourself to give yourself the cherishing, love, and admiration you need to have the healthy, productive life you seek. It requires you to engage in serious self-reflection, self-assessment, and self-acceptance— you also need to forgive yourself of all shame, guilt, disappointments, etc.— and from there build the confidence you need to live and thrive from the inside out, rather than continuing to seek it from the outside.

Why do you not want to seek professional mental health help for yourself?